After all the loves of my life...

I'll be thinking of you

and wondering

why.

In the end he took her by force.

She drove two hours in the dark autumn rain to see him. It was like a puzzle. He'd drop little hints about this eventual day, but he probably never guessed that she would be the one person left in his life.

The neon reflected off the car's wet windshield. Olivia was driving fast and praying the car wouldn't lose its traction. She was technically on the run now, too. The leather coat she had on barely kept out the chill. Her teeth chattered as the wipers groaned. Finally, a smeary purple blur was directly in front of her: Wildwood Motel.

The old man in the lobby was busy eating Cheetos and wiping his hands on his white t-shirt. He didn't bother to look at her, but knew from her breathless tone she was probably chasing after the agitated ape in room 104. She splashed toward the back of the hotel, the rain beating down in its merciless way. Olivia prayed she wouldn't be too late and said a prayer for herself that she'd stay intact and not fly apart at the sight of him.

She knocked. He opened the door a crack and eyed her soaked body. "Why are you here?" he hissed. Olivia felt her heart jump into her throat.

"El, I was right there when it happened. Cragen had no right to treat you like - ."

The door shut. She stared at the sky, feeling for the first time he might be beyond help. But the chain rattled and the door swung open. The room was dark, and it took a moment for her eyes to adjust.

"You shouldn't be here," Elliot said from somewhere in the gloom. He had to be close, because she could smell him, and feel the heat rolling off his body. Olivia squinted and could barely make out his outline standing by the window. "I quit. We're not partners anymore. You don't have to protect me anymore and I don't have to protect you. Because I can't. I can't change the damned world everyday and I've lost so much in my life."

There was a long pause. Olivia was about to say something, but he moved closer. "So just leave and go on with your life," he said, in a tone she'd never heard before.

"It wasn't...my life was never in danger. And you didn't do anything I wouldn't have done. We've split up on stakeout before and I just was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It wasn't your fault," she said, hoping to calm herself down, but she knew there was stark terror in her voice.

She'd been injured and Cragen placed the blame squarely on Elliot. And then he flipped. Punched out a window. Turned over Cragen's desk. Fin had to drag Elliot out of the office. The last thing Elliot said as he was being escorted out was a loud "I QUIT".

Olivia had been at her desk and ran for him, but Munch held her back.

"Let him go. For God's sake," Munch pleaded, holding her arm. Oh, Munch knew about the two of them alright. He knew about what existed in the silence between their work talk.

Elliot jolted her back to reality. "I said I'm not going back. I mean it. I'll take the kids and move to Florida and I'll work at Target or something."

"Kathy's not going to let you..."

"Fuck Kathy and fuck you! I don't need your pity, Olivia Benson," he shouted, and grabbed her roughly by the arms. The rain reflected from a streetlight to his face in hideous ripples.

"Let go of me," she said.

"Not until you promise to leave."

Olivia gulped. "No. I'm going to stay here with you for a few minutes," she said calmly, and felt his grip tighten. "And if you hurt me Elliot, I'll kick your balls through your brains."

His grip relaxed a bit. She felt his breath on her forehead for a moment, then he grunted and pushed her aside. "I don't need your goodamned pity," he said. Olivia heard the bedsprings creak as he sat down. All she could do was stand there and shiver, waiting for some sort of absolution.

"I'm not asking you to come back. I wanted to make sure you were safe," she said slowly, and winced as he slammed his fist on the bed. "That you didn't hurt yourself."

That's when he charged her. Olivia had very little time to react, but put her police training to good use. His body hit her shoulder, and they both sort of bounced off each other. Elliot landed on the bed and Olivia was thrown against the wall.

"The hell with you," she said. So it was over. The relationship that had outlasted almost all others in her life, over and done with in five minutes in a New Jersey motel room. Olivia had her hand on the doorknob when she felt a hand on her waist.

"Liv," was all he said. She turned around in surprise and his arms wrapped around her. His lips fell on hers in a dizzying crush. He was forceful, pushing her against the door. But she didn't have the energy to fight back. When he turned his attention to her neck, she moaned and dug her fingers into his back, squeezing roughly. He was so warm. He'd always been her bedrock.

"I love you," he said, into the cup of her ear. Elliot's hands kneaded her breasts roughtly.

"I know," she whispered back. They made their way to the bed and made love as the rain beat on the windows and the neon flashed through the curtains.

It would be so easy to hate him. Loving him was a tough decision. But that night, as their sweaty bodies tangled in the sheets, she knew it was love, and it had always been.