Looking Back In Anger

for Mike

Funny how the day had swung in twelve different directions. It was like a weathervane in a storm, twisting around as the wind changed course.

One moment you're alone. The next minute you're in love. The spark had always been there but they'd both been so scared. Olivia knew it would emerge one day. It came so unexpectedly it was like being blindsided. She thought her feelings would never be returned, but as he began talking in that hospital corridor, the realization was like a cold shower.

Elliot had loved her all this time. It rankled her his feelings had to come out this way. A child dead, another hurt, a man without a face lying dead at their feet, the scratchy bandage on her neck. Why wasn't this sentiment muttered in the throes of passion? What about a rooftop, with the moon shining down?

"Everything happens for a reason. Even Elliot and Olivia happened for a reason," Casey said earlier in the day. Olivia had been hopping mad, stomping around the DA's office sloshing her coffee. "I heard he went to talk to Huang about thirty minutes ago."

Things were off in the universe. This admission made things tilt a little more.

His eyes. Olivia's eyes fell on a picture of him perched on her bedside table. They didn't look like a couple in it. Elliot was uncomfortable in his tux and she looked constipated, thanks to a pair of too-tight high heels. For all the world, they could be the world's oldest prom dates. It was the Christmas party two years ago. Elliot was there with Kathy. Olivia came with Munch as a mercy date. She danced with Elliot twice and would swear he held her closer than Kathy. Maybe she should have known then things were going to change.

Olivia stared at her ceiling. The fan whirred away above her. Tears filled her eyes until the numbers on the digital clock melted in a red blur. Damn him. She could have been stabbed lower and had her heart torn out. This couldn't hurt her more than his actions that afternoon. He left her sitting on a bench in that corridor alone with a raw nerve exposed. It took every ounce of strength Olivia had to go home, shower, change and go back to the precinct. Cragen was startled by her request. He gave no lecture, just sighed as she walked out the door.

Casey wasn't answering her cellphone, meaning she was out barhopping with Munch that night. They were a strange twosome. But they got along and neither had to change their personality for the other. Olivia felt like a third wheel when they all went drinking. A few years ago, Elliot would have been there with them. Now he spent many of his nights watching cable and drinking at home.

Things just kept spinning out of Olivia's control. It couldn't get any worse. Her back ached and her head was pounding. Her throat felt like a thousand upended razors.

He showed up at her door that night. Head bowed, colorless. Elliot just walked in and sat silently on the couch as the television flickered away. Olivia watched the tears begin to fall but offered no comfort. He made no effort to wipe them away.

Two hours passed. Her eyelids were growing heavy. Some of the anger was melting away, but not all. She got up to go into the kitchen and didn't hear him follow. Olivia just turned around and there he was.

"I talked to Cragen," he said, his eyes piercing and cutting hers apart.

She just nodded, trying to break eye contact.

"We could work this out," he offered.

"What? And be friends?" she laughed bitterly. "You pulled my heart out and stomped on it back there. I don't know if I need you in my life anymore."

His face fell. OIivia took her glass of orange juice and walked back into the living room to watch the news. The top story was about them. Looking at the video of the crime scene...the father...their haunted faces...

She snapped off the television. Elliot was still in the kitchen. There was an urge to cry. He walked in softly and grabbed his coat.

Remembering the man that ran for her as she lay bleeding on the terminal floor, remembering his comforting touch at her mother's funeral...

All the times they drank out of the same glass...

He opened the door and a crack of light fell through the apartment. Olivia was just going to let the bastard walk away. They weren't partners anymore. The bruised soul they shared would disappear.

"Wait."

That was hours ago. A siren went by, making her head hurt worse. The Advil was in the bathroom near her gun. Both would stop the pain, one faster than the other.

She stumbled in and contemplated the gun for a moment. The pills went down easy but made the water bitter. Olivia put the gun into the holster that was slung over the chair. Her reflection was harsh. Dark circles puffed below her eyes. The folds of the pillowcase left lines on her cheeks and her neck was bandaged and covered with more bruises than she'd gone to bed with. She snapped out the light, sobered by the reality of her appearance.

Sliding into bed by the moonlight, the movement stirred him slightly. "Something wrong?" he asked in a sleepy cadence. Olivia kissed his collarbone as he pulled her back into his arms.

Tomorrow things would be different. They didn't say "I love you" that night but they came pretty damn close. And tomorrow things would change, but Olivia was ready to face them.

She fell asleep.