When I look into your eyes

I can see a love restrained...

The slate gray sky unleashed a freezing drizzle on New York that Sunday afternoon. He begged off the card game with Munch, Fin and Casey and spend the afternoon just pacing around the city. In store windows, people shopped and ate in the warmth and looked out at the rain with uneasy frowns.

New York is a terrible place to feel lonely. It would have been better if he were in Maine or Kentucky where melancholy is brought on by geographical isolation. The hustle and bustle of Manhattan, for so long a comfort to him, faded into a smeared din of colors and disjointed sounds.

The drizzle turned to an insistent sleet. It made a small clatter as it bounced off the sidewalks and taxi cabs. Steam began to rise from the manholes when the warm air met the chilly air on top of the pavement. It collided...

"You shouldn't be alone this weekend," she pleaded. The divorce had been finalized. It was over. All he could hear was his own heart, loud like a hammer-beat.

"I'll be fine. You just do what you do," he said through gritted teeth. There was an urge to push her down or aside.

"You don't ever want to let anyone in. God, no wonder Kathy left you."

And with that, the one woman he really - was it love? or something worse? - slammed the door and disappeared into the night.

...with what was on the outside. The bare tree branches arched overhead and creaked and groaned in the wind. There was a house waiting for him but it was cold and empty. It sighed in the wind, too, and the pops of the structure settling into place kept him awake at night.

The familiar old need soaked into his chilly bones. It was want to possess another living thing. Some undying allegiance that would happen between the two of them. In the long run, it would give him the right to touch her when things would get lonely.

But Olivia Benson wouldn't let him in. She prodded for every detail in his life and offered few from hers. Sometimes in the precinct he'd just stare at her auburn hair and feel a surge of hate for the woman that pulled his heart in so many separate directions at once.

She was the one to blame. Not him.

The sidewalks began to grow slick. Even the traffic seemed to be slowing down. Elliot walked on, never faultering in his step.

Did he love her? Yes and no. In the day to day he didn't. It was too painful to imagine there'd be a chance of losing her. When the knife split her skin in the train station, a long-hidden fear burst through him like a bolt of lighting. There would come a day when Olivia would be gone from his life either by geography, death or love. He'd watched her steady parade of boyfriends throughout the years and sized most of them up as losers. These guys couldn't give her anything Elliot couldn't.

That was where Kathy fell through the cracks. She began to slowly fade away into the blue. The night she told him about the divorce, he smashed everything he could get his hands on. It took a bottle of Munch's whiskey and a full night's sleep to calm him down. Olivia wanted to help. Actually she wanted to barge in and take over in her usual interfering well-meaning way. But this was between Kathy and Elliot. Throwing Olivia into the mix would have made things worse because God knows what Kathy thought they were doing.

The cold pressed in against him and the damp began to surge into his skin. Streetlights popped on in the unnatural darkness, giving the sidewalks an eerie glow. Shoppers rushed home with their parcels.

Yes, he loved her. Just the slightest brush of her skin or a myopic smile in his direction made him weak. She didn't need him to be happy. Olivia was too smart for him and she didn't like his temper. Her mother had outbursts like his. And yes, he'd caused her physical pain during one of these episodes. It was an accident but seeing the hurt and betrayal on her face was enough. Things hadn't been right between them since then. Bruises fade but feelings sometimes don't.

Did it make a difference that he sometimes woke up crying about her? Elliot pulled his collar up and ducked from doorway to doorway as the storm grew worse. He was dangerously close to crying now. They all knew how he felt. Hell, even Cragen probably figured out that his interest in her was a little more than just being a partner. Maybe Olivia even knew, because sometimes when he'd look into her eyes, something flashed out.

Down the street a tree limb cracked, smashing into a powerline. The streetlights went out and all the lit windows dimmed and died. A siren whined in the distance.

This was Schuler Street. Olivia lived two blocks over on Beach.

The hallway outside her apartment was dark and cold. Somewhere someone was listening to a battery powered radio and clinking glasses. There was just silence from the end of the corridor.

He knocked quietly. The wait for the lock to rattle was unending. There were no footfalls. Elliot knocked again, a little louder.

"I don't need you," OIivia said, frowning. All he could do was open his mouth and shut it. "You're just the same as everyone else."

The red and black explosions Elliot was seeing began to fade. The room had filled with crashing bells and sirens. Now it was just the two of them, panting and in pain. His face stung where her hand made impact. Ten finger-marks were raised in red on her arms.

She looked so pale. He watched her walk out, then sunk against the bench and cried like his heart would break.

In the end, he used the key. It was too miserable outside to walk back to his own house.

The apartment was cold. His penlight cast a feeble beam across the dark room. A lump reclined on the sofa with one foot sticking out. Olivia was out like a light.

Elliot snuck around and found his old duffel bag in the closet. Sometimes when they used to work late, he'd change into sweatpants and a t-shirt and the two of them would finish their paperwork over a beer or two. Trying to be quiet as possible, he changed in the bathroom where the sleet made a racket against the window. He managed to upset two pill bottles on the sink...one was aspirin and the other was Xanax. Elliot contemplated the Xanax but decided on the aspirin.

Olivia didn't budge from her place on the couch when he came back in the room. She's still so pale, he thought.

"Liv," he said softly. A sigh fell from her lips.

"Can I spend the night here? My clothes are soaked."

She nodded slightly, which Elliot interpreted as a yes. Olivia shivered a little in the cool air; he could see the goose pimples on her skin.

"I wish we were friends again, like we used to be," he whispered. "I miss you, Olivia."

She didn't move or open her eyes. The room was growing colder by the minute. The thin blanket didn't cover her feet or face.

Elliot picked her up gently, marvelling at her lightness. Some of the muted light made its way in the windows and it fell on Olivia. They'd fought long enough. She never knew it caused him physical pain to think of hurting her. The neck wound had closed. Elliot could see the faint scar in the light. Olivia healed and she wasn't going anywhere at this moment. It was just hard to shake that she was everything right and wrong about his life.

She shivered again and that snapped him back to reality. They moved slowly down the hall and into her cave-like bedroom. On the bedside table was a picture of them smiling at a precinct Christmas party in 2002. The picture had been beside her even in the worst of their relationship. Knowing it was there almost was too much, kind of like a discovered secret.

Elliot gently laid her down and pulled the covers up to her chin. Olivia looked so fragile. Even the sound of sleet clicking on the windows didn't open her tired eyes.

He was in the doorway when her voice rose from the bed, startling him.

"Stay in here with me. It's too cold on the couch," she whispered. Elliot turned and squinted at the bed. It was taking a chance. But he was so tired, too, of pretending that they weren't what they were.

He slid in to the sheets beside her. Olivia didn't resist when he pulled her close.

"I missed you, too," she said in a sleepy voice.

"What are we going to do about each other?" he asked. She drew closer and laid her head on his chest.

"I don't know, El. We just seem to attract trouble these days."

He waited for her breathing to even. And when he was sure Olivia was alseep, Elliot kissed her cheek and fell into a deep, dark slumber as the city froze around them.

And when your fears subside

and shadows still remain...

I know that you can love me

when there's no one left to blame.

So never mind the darkness,

we still can find a way.

Nothing lasts forever,

even cold November rain.

XXXX

Premium cheese! A Guns N' Roses songfic!