Beside the door

She stood whom I had known before.

I saw the work of seven years

In graying hair and worried eyes,

And in a smile:

"Find in me only what appears.

And let me rest a while."

Donald Hall

Back a month.

Time seemed to drag slowly those first few days on the job. Everything seemed routine except it really wasn't. Olivia had never dyed her hair before but now the graying tips stood out against her dark auburn strands.

Things were beating out of time with Elliot for a long while. They were like two drumbeats - one fast, one slow. He'd stare at her in the precinct but his eyes had a different look than she'd ever seen. Raw hunger. At first, it made her uncomfortable. It took Olivia some time to realize it gave her a shaky upper hand in their relationship. He seemed to hover close more often and crack his knuckles or rattle his throat.

"Are you nervous about something?" she asked one day, in the car.

"Nah."

She thought about the lush forests of Oregon. The smell of damp evergreen had been so relaxing, but yet...

At night, staring at the clear sky, Olivia would have traded all that fresh air for a choking whiff of exhaust in a New York minute. In the hospital she dreamed of running in the dark forest, not knowing what was chasing her. Elliot was the only person to call for. The man who brought her coffee in the morning. The man who could treat her like hell and not kill the flame that burned in her heart. She'd never surrendered her body and soul to anyone. He was the only person she could imagine giving herself to wholly.

It turns out, Olivia wasn't as ready to go back to work as she thought. Her brain simply shut down one day on a case, one month after entering that courtroom and catching Casey's smile. For a week she simply sat in her apartment. Huang said it was mild post-traumatic stress disorder.

A week of "MASH" reruns and staring out at the rain didn't help her. Olivia felt isolated in her ivory tower over Beach Street, watching the trees bend in the wind. Sometimes Elliot would stop by and bring dinner but he would do most of the eating and the talking. He'd drink beer and inhale the pizza or Chinese food or the Greek salads he'd try to tempt her with.

One night Elliot dozed off on the couch adrift in a sea of take-out cartons. She draped a blanket over him and studied the features of his face. The lines around his eyes seemed deeper. His hair was graying, too. Funny how he was the older of them both but Olivia felt her years now. She sighed and stepped back, heading up to her own bed. The darkness was soothing. She fell asleep huddled in blankets and pillows.

The church bells across the street chimed four. Olivia always slept through them, finding their tolling a comfort. But the mattress felt strange and for a moment she was scared witless over the dark figure sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Liv, did I wake you up?"

She snapped on the light to find Elliot. "El, it's four in the morning," she yawned. Her hair stood up in cowlicks.

"Sorry. I have insomnia. The five hours I slept on your sofa is some sort of recent record for me," he said, rubbing his eyes.

"Oh."

"I guess I slept knowing that you were here and okay," he said softly. Olivia's heart jumped into her throat. "It's a nervous thing, according to Huang."

He got up. "I'm sorry. I know you're tired. You're not Superwoman like I think you are sometimes."

An awkward wind seemed to blow through the room. Olivia felt a blush creep in and settle on her cheeks. "I'm tired of being Superwoman. I just want to be Olivia Benson. I'm just tired like you are," she frowned.

Elliot sat back down on the bed. Olivia clicked off the light and laid back down.

"I should go," he said, in a voice that was rough and raw-edged. Except Elliot didn't move. She was crying softly, choking back the sobs but not bothering to wipe her tears.

"Don't...," she choked. The bed shifted and soon she felt his warm body pressed to hers. Elliot rested his cheek agains hers and draped an arm around her.

Then he laid a soft kiss on her forehead.

And the church bells rang five, but neither of them counted six.