EXT- NEW YORK CITY, CENTRAL PARK- DAY
[We see a red ball being thrown through the air. It's caught by a woman, around 21 years old. This woman has brown hair and brown eyes- and quite strangely, a brown tail, much like a squirrel. This is Doreen Green, also known as Squirrel Girl.]
S.G.: Okay, now I throw the ball to you.
[She throws the ball into the hands of a young girl- Dani Cage, the daughter of Luke Cage and Jessica Jones.]
S.G.: Now you throw it back.
[Dani throws the ball, very weakly. It rolls into a bush.]
S.G.: Okay, that was good. A bit off target but still good.
[Squirrel Girl goes to collect the ball, when she hears Tippy-Toe, a squirrel with a pink bow, squeaking.]
S.G.: (to the squirrel) What? What about Norman Osborn?
[There is suddenly a big burst of smoke around Dani.]
S.G.: Shit! Dani!
[Squirrel Girl runs into the smoke. It quickly dissipates to show The Green Goblin floating in the air on his Goblin-Glider, holding Dani.]
S.G.: Norman! What the fuck are you doing?!
Green Goblin: This is none of your business, Rodent!
S.G.: What do you want with Dani?
Green Goblin: She will be very useful to me.
S.G.: What?
Green Goblin: This child has the potential to be very powerful.
S.G.: She's powerless! If you need a powerful kid there's Franklin Richards.
Green Goblin: No, no! He's too old!
S.G.: Jesus Christ!
Green Goblin: Not like that!
[There is an awkward pause, Squirrel Girl stares at The Green Goblin- a disgusted look on her face.]
Green Goblin: I will harness her potential powers and take over the United States of America!
S.G.: Why just America? Like, why not Canada or Australia?
Green Goblin: Because America is the greatest country!
S.G.: Eh.
[A spider-web attaches itself to The Green Goblin's mask. Spider-Man swings in, kicking The Green Goblin's face. The Goblin drops Dani, who screams as she falls.]
S.G.: Dani!
[S.G. jumps up and grabs Dani. She lands, one knee on the ground, one in the air.]
Spider-Man: Why are you stealing kids, Norman? That's pretty weird.
S.G.: That's what I said!
[Spider-Man punches The Green Goblin, then flips off of him- into the air. He releases two webs, either side of The Goblin on the ground. He pulls himself towards The Goblin, kicking him in the chest. The Goblin falls off his glider and onto the ground, Spidey stands over him. Squirrel Girl walks up to Spider-Man, holding Dani in her arms.]
S.G.: That was cool as (mouths) fuck.
Spider-Man: Thanks.
[We hear a phone ring- It's an 8-bit version of the 60s Spider-Man theme.]
S.G.: Oh, that's my phone.
[Squirrel Girl takes her phone out of her pocket, the screen reads 'JESS'.]
S.G.: Shit.
[She presses on the green button and slides it upwards.]
S.G.: (into the phone) Hey Jess.
Jessica Jones: (on the phone) Is everything okay? We saw the Green Goblin flying over the park.
S.G.: Yeah, we're fine. Me and Spider-Man fought him off.
Jessica Jones: Okay, good.
S.G.: Do you want me to bring Dani back?
Jessica Jones: Yeah, that would be good.
S.G.: Cool. See you soon.
[Squirrel Girl hangs up and puts the phone back in her pocket.]
Spider-Man: You know, I could get her there quicker.
S.G.: You're not the babysitter.
Spider-Man: Yeah, that's fair.
S.G.: See ya round, Spidey.
Spider-Man: Yep.
[Spider-Man jumps into the air, releases a web and swings away. Tippy-Toe climbs onto Squirrel Girl's shoulder.]
S.G.: He has a nice butt.
THE WEST COAST AVENGERS
Written by Juno Taylor
Episode One: Earth's Most Disposable Heroes
INT- DALLAS, TEXAS- DAY
[We see a sprawling metropolitan city- when through the sky, flies a colourfully dressed man. It cuts to a dirty back alley, where a man is mugging a woman, and the man has a knife..]
Man: Alright, you's gonna hand over you's purse.
[A figure lands behind the man, causing the ground to crack beneath them. The man turns around to see Captain Ultra.]
Ultra: I think you should let the woman go, don't you?
Man: Whose are you's to be telling be what to do?
Ultra: Me? I'm Captain Ultra.
[The man goes to stab Captain Ultra- but the knife, instead of penetrating the skin, curves and breaks.]
Man: What the hell?
[Captain Ultra grabs onto the man and flies up into the air. The man screams and struggles, but Captain Ultra doesn't let go. Captain Ultra flies towards Fountain Place and then throws the man into the tower.]
INT- FOUNTAIN PLACE- CONT.
[The man smashes through the window and into an office building, all of the occupants scream. The man coughs up blood. Captain Ultra flies in through the broken window. He flies towards the man.]
Man: Please…. I'll- I'll do anything.
[Captain Ultra stares at the man.]
Ultra: You can die.
[Captain Ultra punches the man, and then does it again and again and again, until the ground collapses below the man and Ultra. Captain Ultra picks up the man once again, spins him around and throws him out another window.
Ultra stares out the new hole and hears the man splat against the ground.
Captain Ultra breaths in and turns around. Three well dressed people stand before him. One of the people steps forward.]
Well Dressed Person: Captain Ultra, we'd like you to come with us.
Ultra: And if I say no?
W.D.P: Are you saying no?
Ultra: Maybe I am.
[The Well Dressed Person reaches behind them and pulls out a pistol, proceeding to shoot Captain Ultra in the head. Ultra drops to the ground.]
EXT- 51ST STREET, NEW YORK CITY- DAY
[Squirrel Girl- with Tippy-Toe on shoulder- is walking down 51st street which, for a street in NYC, is surprisingly empty. A black car pulls up beside her, and then stops. A man, similarly well dressed as those who shot Captain Ultra, gets out of the right side.]
Man 2: Ms. Green, can you please come with me?
[Squirrel Girl turns around.]
S.G.: Go where? And for how long?
Man 2: All will be revealed.
S.G.: Okay, I'll go with you- but I have to be back by Wednesday because I have to babysit.
Man 2: I'm sure everything has been organised.
S.G.: (points to Tippy-Toe) Can I take Tippy-Toe with me?.
Man 2: Yes.
[Squirrel Girl walks up to the left of the car.]
S.G.: Should I get in the front or the back?
[The Man stares at Squirrel Girl.]
S.G.: Okay, back it is.
[S.G. gets in the back of the car. The car drives away as the camera pans up a building to show a silhouetted figure looking down at the car.]
2 DAYS LATER
INT- WEST COAST SHIELD HQ- DAY
(LOBBY)
[Squirrel Girl walks into a large, modern lobby. She looks around, awestruck. The man follows behind her, he quickly walks in front of Squirrel Girl and signals her to go towards the front desk.]
Man 2: She's here for the initiative.
[Another person, who is sitting at the desk, nods and passes the man a lanyard. The man turns around and gives the lanyard to Squirrel Girl.]
Man 2: Go through the silver door.
S.G.: Okay..
[Squirrel Girl walks up to the door, she tries to push on it- the door beeps. S.G. jumps back.]
S.G.: Woah.
AI Voice: Handprint accepted, welcome Doreen.
[The door slides open. Squirrel Girl looks around, a little confused. She walks through the door and into a long hallway. As she walks down the hallway, she looks through several windows- which show an aircraft hanger. As she continues to walk down the hall, she spots a door directly in front of her- a door adorned with the Avengers logo. A smile finds its way onto Squirrel Girl's face, she giggles a little bit. ]
S.G.: Now this is cool…
[She pushes open the door, she walks into a room- a large screen stands on the wall and two people stand in front of the screen, talking to each other and occasionally looking up at the screen.]
S.G.: Hello?
[The two people turn around, we now see who they are- Hawkeye and Captain Marvel. Squirrel Girl smiles.]
S.G.: Oh my god…
[Hawkeye walks closer to Squirrel Girl.]
Hawkeye: Ah, Doreen, you're here.
S.G.: (as she talks she signs in ASL) You know my name?
Hawkeye: Of course I do, you're an avenger.
S.G.: What?
Hawkeye: Welcome to the West Coast Avengers.
[Squirrel Girl looks around.]
Squirrel Girl: (signs) Where's everyone else?
Hawkeye: They're here.
[Hawkeye walks back towards the screen, Squirrel Girl follows behind.]
Hawkeye: Also, you don't need to sign- I can hear you perfectly well.
S.G.: Oh, okay.
[The screen opens up, to reveal a sort of lounging room- many people, dressed in slightly ridiculous costumes, stand around the room. We see: a man in a strangely-detailed frog suit who hops when he walks, a younger blonde man in a blue and orange suit throwing a colourful ball up and down, a man in a rooster costume and an orb that's just floating above the ground.]
S.G.: Is this it?
Hawkeye: No, there are a couple more, they're just out on a mission currently.
S.G.: What kind of mission?
MEANWHILE, 420 MILES AWAY
INT- SAN FRANCISCO WAREHOUSE- SAME
[A mafia goon runs on screen, holding a gun.]
Goon: Attento! Ha uno scudo!
[A black and red shield- with a star in the centre of it- hits the goon right in the head. The camera follows the shield as it bounces off the wall and flies back to its owner- USAgent, a man dressed up a lot like Captain America but with black instead of blue.]
USAgent: I'll take out the people on the left, you take the people on the right.
[The camera pans to the left of USAgent to show a woman in a grey tanktop and blue jeans- this woman is Husk.]
Husk: What about the people in the middle?
USAgent: What people in the middle?
[Husk points. The camera spins around to show what she was pointing at- three armed goons ready to attack.]
Goon 2: Uccidiamo questi stronzi!
[A spear flies into the head of the goon, causing him to fly back and get pinned against the wall. We cut back to USAgent and Husk as they look behind them to see Needle, a masked man dressed in a white costume.]
Husk: He's got it.
[Husk snaps her fingers and her skin changes into metal.]
Husk: Alright, let's get these fuckers.
[The three all run at the mob goons. They fight, evade punches and gunshots and just generally fuck shit up. Blood splatters all over the room and their clothes. Eventually, they finish beating the shit out of italians. Husk's skin turns back into skin.]
USAgent: That was- strangely easy.
Husk: Oh great, now we're jinxed.
USAgent: I'm sorry, we're what?
Husk: You said it was easy, now it's going to get hard.
USAgent: They're all dead, how much harder can it get?
[A man crashes through the roof of the warehouse, landing in the superhero landing pose. The man is quite large and pale, and he looks quite strong.]
USAgent: Shit. Okay, we need to get out of here.
Husk: Why?
USAgent: That's-
[The strong man stands up and turns to USAgent.]
Strong man: Motherfucking Tombstone, bitch.
USAgent: (to Husk) You and the mute stay there. I'll take this guy out.
Husk: Sounds good to me.
[USAgent runs towards Tombstone, leaping at him and bashing the shield into his neck. The shield shatters against Tombstone's neck.]
USAgent: Shit.
[Tombstone punches USAgent in the head, sending him to the ground and sliding across it for a couple of seconds. USAgent sits up, spits up blood and then stands up.]
USAgent: I can do this all day.
Husk: No, no you can't.
[Tombstone grabs USAgent's head and lifts him up.]
Husk: Hey! Are you aware that you're named after a pizza brand?
Tombstone: What?
Husk: Is that why you run a gang filled with italians? Did you make the pizza?
Tombstone: What are you talking about?
Husk: What's your favorite type of pizza? Personally, I like a nice warm pepperoni.
Tombstone: The fuck are you doing?
Husk: It's called a distraction, dumbass.
[Husk points up to the right, Tombstone turns to see Needle flying towards him- Javelin in hand. Needle stabs Tombstone through the eye. Tombstone throws USAgent. Needle lands.]
Tombstone: You piece of shit!
[Husk runs toward Tombstone, her right arm now made of diamond. She punches the javelin further into Tombstone's head- we see it pierce through the back of Tombstone's head. Husk moves towards USAgent.]
Husk: John? Are you okay?
[She checks his pulse.]
Husk: Fuck.
INT- WEST COAST AVENGERS HQ- SAME
[Captain Marvel paces back and forward. The collection of strange and unusual people look up at her, while Hawkeye and Squirrel Girl stand behind Captain Marvel.]
S.G: (to Hawkeye) Is she about to do a speech?
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Captain Marvel: You're all probably wondering why you're here. You are here because S.H.I.E.L.D. have selected you to be part of a new initiative. Each and everyone of you are Avengers of the West Coast. Believe me, being an Avenger is not easy- you will be challenged, you may want to give up; and S.H.I.E.L.D. have prepared for that situation, if any of you disobey an order, or try to desert this team then S.H.I.E.L.D has full authority to terminate your life.
[Captain Marvel turns around and walks out of the room.]
S.G: Well, that was uplifting.
[We cut to The WCA sitting in a circle, like an AA meeting. (Well, The Orb floats above his chair). Squirrel Girl is sitting there, smiling. Across from her is Captain Ultra, who is scanning the costumed characters sitting around him- he smiles, having made a mental decision that he is stronger than everyone else. Hawkeye claps his hands together.]
Hawkeye: So, I thought we could go around the circle and introduce ourselves.
Ultra: Why?
Hawkeye: Well, these people are the people you will be working, and living, with.
Ultra: And you can just force us to do this?
Hawkeye: Yes, yes I can. So, who wants to start?
[Squirrel Girl stands up.]
S.G: Hey everyone, my name is Doreen- but people know me as Squirrel Girl.
Hawkeye: What's your power?
S.G: Well, I can control and communicate with squirrels. I also have a very strong healing factor.
[Squirrel Girl sits down. There is silence while they wait for the next person to stand up. Leapfrog, the man in the frog costume, stands up.]
Leapfrog: My name is Vincent Patilio, people call me Leapfrog.
S.G: Why the frog costume?
Leapfrog: I tried to steal from a witch and she cursed me to remain in this costume for all eternity.
[Leapfrog sits. The blonde haired guy, Speedball, stands up.]
Speedball: My name is Robert Baldwin and I am the one, the only, Speedball.
Ultra: You said that like we're supposed to know who you are.
Speedball: Well, I've done a few notable things…
Ultra: Wait… Are you the guy that the Avengers sued for using their name in the Great Lakes?
Speedball: ...Yeah…
Ultra: Well, now you're a (sarcastically) Real Avenger.
Hawkeye: (to Captain Ultra) How about you go next?
Ultra: No, I'd like to hear from the man in the chicken costume, or the floating ball.
Orb: I'm not a ball, I'm an Orb. It's a different thing.
Gamecock: You know, for someone who acts as cocky and headstrong as you, you're a real bitch.
Ultra: I could rip your spine out with one finger.
Gamecock: Have you ever beaten any super-powered individuals?
Ultra: I don't see how that's relevant.
Gamecock: (looking around) Have any of you beaten any superhumans?
Speedball: I knocked out Abomination.
Orb: I am respected by Iron Man.
S.G: I once defeated Doctor Doom, by myself.
Ultra: (to Gamecock) What about you?
Gamecock: Captain America, Iron Man, Punisher, Wolverine, The Sinister Six, all of The Thunderbolts at the same time.
Speedball: Holy shit.
Gamecock: So, Mister Rip-my-spine-out-with-one-finger, who have you defeated?
[Captain Ultra stares at the ground, he looks angry and then defeated. He slumps back in his chair. In the distance we hear a door open. Hawkeye stands and turns to see Husk and Needle walking into the room.]
Hawkeye: Where's John Walker?
Husk: He's… USAgent is down.
Hawkeye: Okay, now seems like the best time to tell you all.
S.G: Tell us what?
Hawkeye: This team is not like the main Avengers team, you are here to do the missions they don't want to do- either because they're busy, they just don't want to do it, or because it's a mission guaranteed to get them all killed. In short, you were picked because S.H.I.E.L.D sees you as expendable.
S.G: Are you saying that we're meant to die?
[Hawkeye looks around at his team.]
Hawkeye: Yes.
[Silence fills the room as the truth washes over the group.]
Ultra: Fuck it, we're gonna die either way, this team thing could be fun.
Gamecock: Sure, yeah. Let's do this.
S.G: Okay, what's our first mission? The Savage Land? Galactus? Kang?
Hawkeye: You're going to be looking after the elderly.
Ultra: Oh, you've got to be fu-
INT- L.A. COMMUNITY CENTRE- DAY
Ultra: He wasn't kidding.
[Squirrel Girl, Captain Ultra, Gamecock and Speedball stand in casual clothes, while Orb floats there and Leapfrog remains in the frog costume.]
Leapfrog: Well, it could be worse. We could be picking up dog droppings.
[Everyone turns to Leapfrog, looking confused.]
Speedball: "Dog droppings"?
Leapfrog: It's what they are.
Speedball: People just call it shit.
Leapfrog: People are weird.
Speedball: "People are weird." Says the frog furry.
Leapfrog: I'm not a furry.
Speedball: Oh sorry, do you prefer the term 'Slimey'?
S.G: Can we not fight in front of the people we're supposed to be helping?
[A man- who is holding a fishbowl- walks up to the group, smiling, he quickly scans the group- seems a little concerned when he sees Leapfrog and Orb- and locks eyes with Squirrel Girl, who is smiling back at the man.]
Man: You're the West Coast Avengers, right?
S.G: Yeah, yeah, that's us.
Man: Cool, Hawkeye- like the Hawkeye- said you'd be coming. I'm Greg, I plan this little get together for all the old people. So, like, just wait around or talk to them or something.
S.G: (looking around) Y'all got that?
Gamecock: We are literally standing next to you.
Orb: I hear all, every noise, every little breath you take, every heartbeat, every thought.
Ultra: (under his breath) I hate this, so much.
S.G: Okay gang, let's do this.
Speedball: "Gang"?
S.G: I'm sorry, it was the first thing that came to my head. How about 'squad'?
[We hear various words of protest from the WCA]
Gamecock: How about just 'team'?
S.G: Okay, yeah, team's good. Right, le-
Speedball: Let's go, team.
[The group moves into the room, leaving Squirrel Girl alone.]
S.G: I… I was going to say that.
[Squirrel Girl follows the group into the room. In the room, many people from 70 to maybe- like- 99 sit around tables: playing chess, solving crossword- you know, boring old people stuff. First, we see Leapfrog sit down at a table, next to an old woman who is reading a book.]
Leapfrog: What are you reading?
Reading woman: Alice in Wonderland.
[The woman looks up, he sees the frog-suited Leapfrog and jumps back.]
Leapfrog: Don't worry, I'm not a hallucination.
[The woman still looks scared.]
Leapfrog: Oh, so a world where gods are constantly fighting in the streets is okay but one guy gets cursed by a witch!
[We cut to Captain Ultra, who is playing chess with an old man. It's very tense, they move pieces and shit (I've never played chess), the old man, eventually, gets a checkmate against Captain Ultra.]
Chess man: Checkmate.
Ultra: Fucking DAMNIT!
[Captain Ultra grabs the board and throws it, he throws it quite hard because some of the pieces fly up and get stuck in the ceiling. We then cut to another old man staring at Orb, he's almost confused. Orb is staring back, because that's basically all he can do.]
Staring man: What are you looking at?
Orb: I can't hear you…
[The pair are silently staring at each other until Orb floats over to Squirrel Girl.]
Orb: I need our team to get out of this room.
S.G: Why?
Orb: I need to talk to them.
S.G: Team!
[The WCA look over to Squirrel Girl, who uses her head to gesture that they need to leave the room. They all leave the room and stand in a hallway.]
Gamecock: Why are we doing this?
S.G: Orb has to talk to us.
Orb: I can't hear the old people.
Ultra: What?
Orb: They're not breathing, they don't have pulses and they don't think.
Speedball: Of course they don't think, they're probably all republican! Hey-ya!
[Speedball goes to get a high-five from Gamecock, who just stares at him with a disappointed look on his face.]
Gamecock: (to Orb) Are you saying they're robots?
Orb: That's exactly what I'm saying.
Speedball: Takes a robot to know a robot! Hey-ya!
[Speedball goes to get a high-five from Leapfrog.]
Leapfrog: I don't high-five.
Speedball: Fist bump then?
[Speedball makes a fist. The group walks back into the room- Speedball follows, looks very disappointed. Gamecock grabs the hair of an old lady and then rips her head off- revealing metal and wires and other robot shit.]
Gamecock: The ball was right.
Ultra: Greg, you motherfucker! You have some explaining to do!
[Greg appears in a puff of smoke, still holding the fishbowl.]
Greg: Aw, you figured out that it was a trap! And in record time too! But now, West Coast Avengers… Now you die.
S.G: Who are you? Reveal yourself, villain! I've always wanted to say that.
[Smoke surrounds Greg and once it disappears- Surprise! It's Mysterio!]
Mysterio: Surprise!
Speedball: Holy shit! It's some guy! Who is that? Who are you?
Mysterio: I'm… I'm Mysterio.
Speedball: Oh! Your the… uh… the guy! No, still don't know.
Mysterio: I'm the master of illusion.
Speedball: No, doesn't ring a bell.
Gamecock: Does it matter?
Ultra: Yeah! Let's kick his fucking ass!
Leapfrog: Okay.. On three…
S.G: Okay, we need to make a plan.
Leapfrog: 1…. 2…
Ultra: Get him!
[Captain Ultra picks up Mysterio, and then throws him on the ground. Gamecock pulls an arm off a mechanical elderly person and goes to bash it into Mysterio's dumb dome head. Before arm can meet dome, Mysterio disappears.]
Ultra: Where the fuck did he go?
[Orb swiftly rotates 180° and fires a beam from his pupil. It hits into an invisible object that flops onto the floor. The invisible object changes into Mysterio, who now has a massive hole inside him. Squirrel Girl runs up to Mysterio's newly lifeless body.]
S.G: You killed him!
Orb: Was that not the aim?
S.G: Why would you think it was? We're heroes not murderers!
Speedball: Wait, you mean you haven't killed someone?
S.G: Of course I haven't! That's not a normal thing to do!
[The rest of the WCA look guilty, or ashamed. Squirrel Girl looks around.]
S.G: No… All of you?
[Squirrel Girl stand up.]
Speedball: No one said we couldn't.
S.G: Jesus Christ…
[Squirrel Girl walks out of the room.]
Gamecock: I'll go get her.
EXT- L.A. COMMUNITY CENTRE- CONT.
[Squirrel Girl stands outside, staring out into the street. Gamecock exits out the door and up to Squirrel Girl.]
S.G: What do you want?
Gamecock: Just to talk, that's all.
S.G: Have you killed people?
Gamecock: Yes, yes I have.
S.G: Why?
Gamecock: They were bad people, most of them. It was necessary that they died.
S.G: Death is never necessary, a hero knows that.
Gamecock: A hero knows when they have to make a difficult decision. Believe me, if there was another way- I would have definitely taken it.
S.G: But what about the people left behind? Your victims' families? Do you know what it's like to lose someone? It tears you up inside until you have less than nothing.
Gamecock: I know… But you need to learn to move on. Become more than the grief. Because that's what they'd want you to do, they'd want you to keep living- even when they can't.
[Squirrel Girl starts crying. Gamecock gulps and then hugs Squirrel Girl.
Squirrel Girl hugs Gamecock back.
The screen cuts to black and then fades up on…]
INT- CATHOLIC CHURCH- DAY
[A man, Michael, sits in a confessional.]
Michael: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. And I will sin… It's an ongoing problem. It's been, ooh, quite a while since my last confession, but today… I'd like to talk about my plan. I'm going to kill everyone. Every single homosapien and homosuperior. And, quite frankly, no one can stop me.
[He stares off into the distance for a second.]
Michael: Why am I even here? I'm not catholic.
[Michael stands up and walks out of the confessional. He walks down the aisle, between the pews. We see just an absolute mess of blood and body parts line the pews. Michael stretches his arms and wings spread out from his back.
He then stops, picks up a candle and throws it behind him. The church begins to burn.]
END OF EPISODE ONE.