Lincoln Loud had never been much interested in things like psychology and the paranormal. He was a normal and based kid who liked anime, reading fanfiction, trolling people on 4chan, and shocking old boomers by randomly saying "nigger" and "faggot" on internet forums. He wasn't a racist - his brother from another mother was black - but racism makes people uncomfortable the way talking about the devil did in the eighties. Punk rock, which his older sister Luna had helpfully introduced him to, was about rebelling against the normies who wanted you to conform and be just like them. In the old days, being a liberal pissed them off. Today, being a swinging dick Nazi online pissed them off, so...FAGGER!
That was a portmanue of "faggot" and "nigger." Most people didn't get it but once he explained it to them, they were doubly offended lol and their reactions. Jeez louise, their reactions alone were worth playing Hitler online.
Anyway, Lincoln was into that kind of stuff and thought horror and the paranormal were the big gay. His sister Lucy loved horror movies but Lincoln looked down on them like Principal Skinner calling a kid pathetic. Horror movies were all the same: Some guy in a mask kills people. That's it. That's the franchise. Vampires made no sense, zombies were lame, and the only thing scary about a ghost was the fact that it could sneak in and watch you fap. Horror fans were all drooling and braindead retards who got off on watching people die. Which, come to think of it, made them sociopaths who needed either therapy or a long stint in prison to protect society from their sick and homicidal urges.
The only possible exception was Lucy, his younger sister. She was a mondo fucking weirdo, to be sure, but she wasn't a maniac or anything. In fact, he thought her love of horror and the paranormal was edgy bullshit just like his Facebook racism. She was too smart to truly like that crap. She just fronted like she did because it was part of her goff gurl act. Hey, everyone wants attention and that's how she went about getting hers, I mean, it's hard to ignore a pale faced girl carrying around skulls and shit. It's hard to ignore a guy who threw out N-words like Tom Brady threw passes, but it was different when he did it, because he was having fun. Do you think Lucy was having fun pretending to like boring black and white horror movies from the forties? He didn't. He thought she was bored to tears and hadn't finished a single one of them. Sure, they were playing when you came in and she seemed like she was having a blast, but he'd bet dollars to doughnuts that as soon as she was alone again, she conked out and stayed sleeping until it was over.
Unlike him, Lucy was kind of fake, but so were a lot of people, especially his sisters. You think they didn't exaggerate for attention? Come on. Did Lola have to wear her sash and tiara everywhere she went? Did Lynn have to always have a football under her arm? Did Luna really have to be a caricature of a rock and roll fan? No, they didn't, they were exaggerating. He couldn't blame them since there were so many of them. Standing out from the crowd was hard and they had to resort to extreme measures to get noticed. Lincoln, luckily, didn't have that problem; as the only boy, he stuck out on his own and didn't need to do any of the dumb crap his sisters did. His online trolling was not a cry for attention, it simply was not. To be real, he could do with a little less attention. As it stood now, his sisters were always up in his grill. Lincoln, play football with me, Lincoln, listen to my new jokes, Lincoln, wanna check out my new song, Lincoln? Oy vey, leave me alone already.
He liked his sisters enough but the only one he really hung out with at any length was Lucy because despite her liking garbage cinema, she was pretty cool. She agreed with most of his views on life and politics and wasn't a loud and annoying spazz like Lynn and Luna, nor was she a bossy bitch like Lori. The thing that really bonded them together was their status as family whipping boys. The others just looooved picking on them and did it all the time. It was good-natured and light-hearted for the most part, but it still got under his skin. He and Lucy would take all their jokes and Luan's pranks in stride, but inside they seethed. They would sit together on his bed and talk about how much they wanted to pay those losers back. "Lynn called me count Suckula because she says I suck," Lucy would say mournfully.
"Lori won't wash my clothes because she's mad I didn't put clean sheets on her bed," Lincoln would reply.
They'd say a lot of other things about their sisters, but none of it was family friendly. They put their heads together and cooked up a thousand different plans for how to take revenge on their sisters, but never managed to work up the courage to actually go through with them. They did a few little things here and there, but nothing major. Lucy contrived to spill a full shaker of salt into Lola's food once, and Lincoln tea-bagged a glass of Coke on Luan's nightstand. He proudly told Lucy and she just stared at him. What good is owning someone if they don't know they've been owned?
Lincoln sputtered for a reply because she was right. There really was no point in doing something to someone, only to have them be happily unaware, except, maybe, to derive personal satisfaction from it, but that was passive aggressive. He wanted his sisters to know his displeasure. He wanted them to know that he was tired of their little jokes and of being their slave boi. Still, the secret knowledge that Luan drank a tall, frothy glass of his ball juice was downright delicious.
On a Friday morning in mid-September, a few weeks after school had started in Royal County, Lincoln sat on one of the swings on the playground with his hands curled around the chains and the tips of his shoes scuffing dark patches in the mulch beneath him. Clyde sat on the next swing over and looked out over the playground like a warden, the sunshine reflecting on his glasses like quicksilver. "Can you believe Jordan's dating Poppa Wheelie?" he asked.
Lincoln found Jordan and Poppa Wheelie standing together by the monkey bars. A boy was doing pull ups and Jordan was nodding to him while talking to Poppa. They're pull ups, fatass, they're not that hard to do. Was that what she said? Lincoln didn't know but it really wouldn't surprise him. Jordan was a health and fitness Nazi and was probably only dating him so that she could get him to lose weight, then claim credit for a job well done. Once she was done, she'd move onto the next fat boy, or maybe this time she'd go for a skinny stick-figure who desperately needed to add muscle mass.
To answer Clyde's question, though, yeah, he could believe it. Jordan gave off personal trainer vibes and was always trying to get everyone around her to be fit and active. It kind of made sense that she'd wind up with someone like Poppa Wheelie. You know girls, they just love changing things. If she was a fashionista, she'd set her sights on Clyde and give him a makeover; if she was a liberal, she'd go for Lincoln and try to get him to be less "problematic" or something.
He said as much, and Clyde slowly nodded. "I guess. Still, it's so weird seeing them together." He pulled back and launched forward, legs pumping. "It's weirder seeing Bobby with Lori, but I think I'll leave that right there...for now."
Lincoln rolled his eyes. "She doesn't want you, Clyde. We've established that."
"Tastes change, Linc, tastes change."
"That's what you always say," Lincoln said and began to swing as well. As everyone already knows, Clyde had a creepy crush on Lori that went past sweet long ago and now bordered on serial killer level stalking. Lincoln had taken to calling him Sammy after the black serial killer Samiel Little, who bodied 93 people between 1970 and 2005; he only knew who that was because Lucy had his mugshot on her wall. It pissed Clyde off and got Lincoln in trouble one time because a teacher heard him say it and thought he was being racist. Apparently there's a black dude named Sambo? Lincoln didn't know. He did know Kimbo, as in Kimbo Slice. He was a UFC fighter or something. That guy was massive. He looked like a mountain came to life, became black, and started walking around.
Back on topic, Clyde liked Lori and it pissed him off that she was with Bobby instead of him. He actually thought, in that warped little brain of his, that he had a chance with Lori. Lori was basically a grown woman, what would she want with a little boy who still slept in jammies and cuddled a teddy bear because he was afraid of the dark? Bro, she doesn't want you. She barely likes you. She calls you "That little weirdo" and "Clyde the Case," as in basket case. Lincoln didn't like her talking shit about his best friend, and she did it alot, which was another point of contention between them.
"One day, she's going to see what a great guy I am," Clyde said dreamily. A faraway look crept into his eyes and he took a deep breath.
"I'm telling, she won't, but okay." Lincoln said.
They swung back and forth in silence for a while. Lincoln scanned the playground, looking for nothing in particular, and spied Lucy walking toward them. She was bent slightly forward at the waist and her shoulders were squared; her stride was determined, purposeful.
She was on a mission.
Lincoln dug his heels into the mulch and came to a stop just as Lucy walked up. A gust of wind blew her hair around her pale, stony face, and Lincoln was reminded of that bitch from mythology who had snakes in her head and turned people to rock. "I need to talk to you," she said point blank. Her tone was as excited as it ever got, so whatever she had, it was big.
Jumping off the swing, Lincoln nodded goodbye to Clyde, and Clyde nodded back. Lincoln grabbed Lucy's arm and led her away. "What's up?"
She pulled out of his grasp and looked around to make sure no one was close enough to hear what she was about to say. "I found a book on hypnosis," she whispered, "and it gave me an idea."
Lincoln raised his brow. "Hypnosis?" he asked.
"Hypnosis," Lucy confirmed.
Oh brother. Lincoln turned to walk away but she snatched his arm in a white knuckled death grip. She wasn't very strong but her fingers were bony and felt like knives. He turned back around and Lucy fixed him with an intense stare. He could not see her eyes behind her bangs but he could feel their penetrating gaze. He narrowed his eyes and gazed right back. "Hypnosis is real, Lincoln," she said. "You might not believe it, but it is. I've watched tons of YouTube videos."
Yeah? Pop-Pop watched tons of videos on how COVID-19 was fake, that didn't stop him from taking a major L by dying from it. "YouTube videos don't mean anything."
"This book does," she said. "It's the most comprehensive volume on the subject I've ever seen, and it's right here in our school library."
No matter what he said or how much logic he injected directly into that emo hair wearing idiot she called a brain, she wasn't going to be dissuaded. Alright, fine, she could believe whatever she wanted. He had just one question. "What's your plan?"
A sickly smile spread across Lucy's face. She leaned in and whispered something into his ear. When she was finished, she rocked back on her heels and grinned at him. Lincoln filtered her idea through his brain, then he smiled too. "Okay, that'd be great, but I still think hypnosis is bullshit."
"But what if it isn't?" Lucy asked pointedly. "What if it's real and we can really do that?"
For that, Lincoln didn't have a cut and dried answer. If he were to allow himself to dream and consider the possibility that hypnosis was actually real, he would be totally onboard with Lucy's plan. He didn't think it was real but you know what? He'd give it a shot anyway. What did he have to lose? A little bit of his time? He had butt loads of time anyway. "Okay," he relented, "let's give it a shot."
"Great," Lucy said.
Lincoln crossed his arms. "So...where's this book?"
"That's the problem,' Lucy said, "it's still in the library."
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I have a bunch of books I didn't return so I can't get anything else until I return them and pay a fee."
Oh. He already knew where this was going. "Could you -?"
"Yes," Lincoln said, cutting her off.
Before leaving at the end of the day, Lucy and Lincoln swung by the school library across from the nurse's office. It was a wide space with industrial gray carpeting and ancient bookshelves crammed with children's books of every description, except for Dr. Seuss, because he was a racist. Lincoln wasn't the world's biggest reader so he rarely came in here. The only time he did was during the annual book fair, when everyone was pretty much forced into attending. It was all good, though, since they also sold little trinkets. There was a a U-shaped front desk in the middle of the room and tables here and there where you could sit and read quietly. Stella manned the register and she smiled when they walked up. "Hey, Linc."
"Hey," Lincoln said. When Stella first moved here eight months ago, Lincoln kind of had the hots for her, but he'd long since given up: She was too dorky and immature for a relationship. One time, Clyde mentioned how he wanted to hold hands with Lori, and Stella's face turned bright red like he had just told her he wanted to spread Lori's butt cheeks and lick her ass hole. LOL how sheltered are you? I thought Asians had to deal with communism and starvation, how are you so frail?
"What brings you by?" she asked and leaned against the counter. "I thought you didn't like reading."
Lincoln shrugged. "There's one book I like." He looked at Lucy. "Go grab it for me, will you?"
Nodding, Lucy rushed off and then came back less than twenty seconds later with a thick hardback book. She dropped it onto the counter and a cloud of dust puffed up. Stela coughed, Lincoln waved his hand in front of his face, and Lucy gave a tiny sneeze. Stella grabbed the barcode scanner and looked at the cover.
Her brow furrowed.
"This sounds like something Lucy would like," she said and fixed Lucy as a stern look. Lucy's poker face was total. "But you owe the school 45.50, so this clearly isn't for you. That'd be against the rules and get you expelled." She turned to Lincoln. "You too."
Damn, really? They took it that seriously? Okay then. "No, it's for me. I watched a YouTube video about hypnosis and wanted to learn more about it."
Stella glared into his soul and Lincoln flashed a nervous smile. After an awkward moment, she scanned the book and handed it to him with a warm smile. "Happy reading."
Lincoln said thank you and rolled out with Lucy in tow. She tried to take the book from him but he held tight. "Not until we get out," he said. "If anyone sees you with this book, they'll expel us both."
The goff sighed deeply. An actual sigh, not a "Sigh."
Outside, the day was warm and overcast. The trees flanking the street rustled in the breeze and the whine of a lawn mower in the distance found Lincoln's ears. As soon as they were out of sight of the school, Lucy snatched the book away and opened it. "We'll study when swe get home," she said.
That made Lincoln laugh."We? This is your idea, you study."
She looked at him for a moment, then away, silently accepting the burden of responsibility. Three blocks later, they met up with Lynn and Luan at a four way intersection. They were coming from the middle school, which was a mile and a half west. The high school was across town, so if Lori didn't have the van, she, Leni, and Luna had to take the bus, lol. The bus is gay.
"Heyya, Linc," Lynn said. She leapt into the air and brought her hand down on the top of his head as hard as she could. Luan cracked a vampire joke to Lucy, and then they switched victims: Lynn gave Lucy two for flinching and Luan said Lincoln's hair was so white it needed to go to sensitivity training. Lincoln gave a nasty fake laugh, and Lucy held the book to her chest like a little girl cuddling a teddy bear.
"What's this book?" Lynn asked. She took it away and studied the cover. "Hype noz is," she said, sounding the word painfully out. She chucked the book over her shoulder and it fell to the ground. Lucy shoved her aside and grabbed it. Lynn and Luan both laughed and walked away.
Lincoln sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and Lucy's face flushed with anger. She knelt on the sidewalk and glowered after their departing sisters. "Come on," Lincoln said and dragged Lucy to her feet.
They arrived home ten minutes later, just as the bus deposited Lori, Leni, and Luna at the bottom of the driveway. Inside, Lincoln went to the kitchen while Lucy went upstairs with the book. He rooted through the pantry for an after school snack. He finally settled on a tiny tin of Pringles with six chips apiece. There were only three left so he took two and left one for the next guy because fuck the next guy. Unless it was Mom, Dad, or Lucy, but even then, you snooze, you lose. He jammed the extra one in his hip pocket, where it made a suspicious bulge, and covered it with his shirt. He opened the one in his hand, took the chips out, and slammed them into his mouth.
Ugh.
Sour cream and onion.
He should really read the label before putting things into his mouth.
Oh well, food is food. His family was bigger than that group of Haitians under that bridge in Del Rio and snacks never lasted very long. You know how you stick your foot into a river full of piranha and then pull it out a second later only to find nothing left but bone? That's what happened to chips, cookies, and cakes in the Loud House. The only time Mom bought any was on the first of the month when Sleepy Joe refilled the food stamp card and they never made it more than a day or two. Lincoln tossed the container over his shoulder, leaving it for someone else to pick up, and went into the living room. Lori was sitting on the couch and texting, her fugly bare feet kicked up on the coffee table. Had Clyde seen Lori without shoes and socks on? Lincoln seemed to think that he had; if so, why was he still attracted to her after seeing her corns, bunyons, and cracked heels? God, she was worse than Aunt Ruth.
Knowing Clyde, he was probably into that kind of thing.
A shiver went down Lincoln's spine and he almost choked on his chips.
Ignoring Lori, Lincoln went upstairs and into his room. He kicked his shoes off, flopped onto the bed, and ate the second container of chips. While he did so, he checked his social media accounts on his phone, starting with Facebook AKA the lamest one of them all. Lincoln wasn't even sure why he had a Facebook account in the first place; it had been there for as far back as he could remember and had probably been made by Lori when he was a baby. The only reason he kept it was because he was in a couple cool groups, but even then, he rarely ever checked them, so why not delete it? He scrolled absently down his newsfeed and was about to give up when he came across a selfie of Ronnie Anne slutting it up from Great Lakes City. She wore purple eyeshadow, bright red lipstick in imitation of her hero AOC, and a tank top that clung to her budding chest.
Ever since she had moved to the city with her family, Ronnie Anne had been a major ho-bag. She was so bad off that she literally posted that Marylin Monroe quote about not being able to handle her at her worst. In one of her selfies, Lincoln spied one of those LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE plaques in the background.
Puke.
He'd rather walk into someone's home and see a giant, flashing neon dick than one of those things.
He considered, not for the first time, sliding into her DMs and seeing if he could get a picture of her boobies, but decided against it.
Ten minutes later, just as he was about to log off Discord, the door opened and Lucy came in carrying the book. Her sudden appearance caught Lincoln off guard, but then he remembered her dastardly plan and relaxed. She sat on the edge of the bed with a little bounce and opened the book in her lap. "I think I know how we're going to do it."
There was that "we" shit again,
Even so, he scooted over and sat next to her so that he could get a better view of the book. "How?" he asked.
"It's simple," she said. She explained it to him, and Lincoln thoughtfully stroked his chin. He examined her gameplan for flaws but didn't see any. Except for one. "If it doesn't work -"
"We'll just say the vibes of the universe weren't strong enough or something," Lucy said.
He patted her shoulder. "I like it. Let's do it."
"I need to study more," Lucy said and got to her feet. "But we should be good to go by next Saturday."
That was a long time off, but if it all played out like Lucy said it would, it would be totally worth it.
When Lucy was gone, Lincoln went back to Discord.
He couldn't wait for this.
Friday evening, after dinner, Lucy and Lincoln called everyone into the living room for a "special performance." Lucy wore a Dracula style opera cloak and a top hat, and Lincoln wore a retarded sequin jumpsuit that glittered in the overhead light like a disco ball. He felt like a retard, but hey, Californians chose not to recall Gavin Nuisance, so he couldn't feel too bad.
Mom, Dad, and the others shoved up on the couch like sardines in a can, and Luan cracked a joke about not social distancing that made everyone groan. There was a phrase that Lincoln had never liked and never wanted to hear again. It was so...what's the word...passive aggressive, maybe? Just say "Stay 6 feet apart." It's four words, only two more than social distancing.
Whatever, the Scamdemic...I mean Plandemic...I mean pandemic...didn't matter right now. What mattered was getting these knuckleheads to settle down and take what they had coming to them. Lucy opened the book, sat it on a TV tray before her, and looked out over their audience. "Welcome to a night of mystery and magic. Right here, you will see wonders that you never thought possible. You will -"
Lynn cupped her hands to her mouth. "Bring on the magic!"
Everyone started talking over each other. Lucy held up one hand and they gradually fell silent. "For my first trick, I will hypnotize all of you."
Lisa rolled her eyes. "Hypnosis is a mere theory and not a relative possibility."
Ignoring her, Lucy took out a pocket watch while Lincoln dimmed the lights. She held the watch up, dangling from the end of a chain, and swung it slowly back and forth. "Focus on the watch. Clear your mind of everything. Think of nothing but the sound of my voice."
At first, everyone was fidgeting, giggling, or grinning, but as they did what Lucy told them, they one by one began to fall into a trace. To a man (or woman, if you wanna be a politcially correct faggot), they sat forward, dropped their jaws, and widened their eyes until they were all gaping stupidly. Lincoln gaped too, because holy shit, it was working, it was actually working. "When I snap my finger," Lucy said, "you will fall deep asleep. And when I snap it again, you will wake up and you will be mine and Lincoln's slaves."
"And Lynn will be incredibly racist," Lincoln said.
"And Lisa will be retarded," Lucy said.
"Oh, and Luan will have a foot fetish."
He and Lucy laughed mean-spiritedly.
"You will all obey our every command and you will not question or doubt us. We will be your ruler, your master, your god."
Lucy snapped her finger, and everyone nodded off. "When they wake up," she said, "they'll do whatever we tell them...no matter how degrading or embarrassing it is."
"What about illegal?" Lincoln asked.
"They'll do that too, but they probably shouldn't go that far. Unless it's really funny."
Lincoln sniggered. "Okay. Snap your finger."
Lucy snapped, and everyone came out of their trance, looking tired and confused. Lisa curled her hand to her chest and started to drool, and Lynn elbowed Lola. "Get offa me, honky," she said.
"Lola," Lucy said, "slap Lana in her face."
Like a robot, Lola jerked around and slapped Lana so hard Lana's head rocked to one side. Even a split second after impact, Lana wore a huge red handprint on her cheek. "Lana," Lucy said, "thank Lola for hitting you."
"Thank you, Lola," Lana said.
Both Lincoln and Lucy giggled like loons. "Leni," Lincoln said, "make Lynn a set of Klan robes."
"On it," Leni said. She jumped to her feet and bounced up the stairs. Lincoln and Lucy looked at each other.
And grinned.
Fifteen minutes later, Lola strutted around clucking like a chicken, Lynn goosestepped and shot up Hitler salutes, Lana stood on her head and called Luan names, Lori lay on the floor sucking her thumb, Mom and Dad were in bed because Lincoln and Lucy didn't feel like messing with them, and Luna methodically disassembled her amp - yay, no more noise. Leni came back downstairs and held up a bulking purple costume. "Here you go," she said proudly.
"What's this?" Lincoln asked.
"It's a clam robe," she said, "just like you wanted."
Lincoln threw his head back and groaned. "No, dumbass, a Klan robe."
Leni tilted her head to one side.
"You know, never mind. Go tie Luan's ponytail in a knot."
She saluited and stuck out her tongue. "Yes, sir."
She went off to do what he said and Lucy filmed Lola and Lana chugging buttermilk. White liquid dribbled down their chins and stained their clothes. Lincoln and Lucy both laughed at them. "This is gonna be a fun weekend, Lucy said.
"Yes it is," Lincoln agreed.
Yes it is.
The next day, the whole family piled into the van. Mom drove and Lincoln sat in the passenger seat. It was his first time, and the world somehow looked different from up here. Lucy sat in the back between Dad and Lori, the book in her lap; she would get to ride shotgun on the way back. "Take us to the mall," Lincoln ordered.
Mom threw the van into reverse and swung left, toward the mall. Luan started to say something, but Lucy shot her a dirty look. "No talking. I don't want to hear your annoying voice."
Hanging her head, Luan closed her mouth. Lucy stared at her for a few moments longer, then turned around and faced forward again. She turned to Lori and held her hand out, palm cupped. "IGive me a piece of gum," she said.
Because she routinely French kissed boys - some of whom weren't Bobby - Lori always carried a pack of gum with her so that her breath didn't stink. She was a stingy asshole with it and never shared, so Lucy of course had been hitting her up for pieces of gum nonstop just because she could.
Lori handed Lucy a piece of gum, then one to Lincoln when he asked. He popped it into his mouth and smacked it between his teeth. "I'm kind of hungry," he said. He twisted around in his seat to look at Lucy. "How 'bout Burpin' Burger?"
"I love their onion rings," Lucy said.
So it was settled. "Take us to Burpin' Burger," he told his mother. "Now."
"Yes, dear."
"And only me and Lucy get food. The rest of you faggots don't deserve to eat."
"Yes, dear," Mom said.
Five minutes later, they pulled into the Burpin' Burger drive-thru. "Give him your wallet," Lucy said to Dad. Dad reached into his back pocket and took out his wallet, handing it to Lincoln. Lincoln opened it and went through it. "Twenty bucks?" he asked. "That's it? God, you're such a broke loser."
"He has a credit card," Lucy said.
Lincoln handed his mother the credit card. She took it and pulled to the speaker. Lincoln ordered three Double Burpin' Juniors, a large fry, a Coke, a Hershey silk pie, and a chocolate milkshake. Lucy got Burpin' Chicken Fingers, fries, a strawberry milkshake, and a toy, ostensibly for Lily, but Lincoln saw her stick it into her own pocket. Mom pulled away from the restaurant and Lincoln and Lucy enjoyed their food. "I bet you want some of this, don't you?" Lucy asked and waved a chicken tender under Lori's nose.
"Yes," Lori said robotically.
"Too bad," Lucy said and crammed it into her own mouth.
Lincoln pointed and laughed. Was it just him, or was there a gleam of intelligence in her eyes?
Nah, probably just him.
Ten minutes later, they reached the mall. Lucy made Mom park as far away as possible, then had Lynn give her a piggyback ride the whole way. Lucy kicked her heels and pointed toward the main entrance. "Faster," she said, "Spenser's awaits."
Inside the stone-floored lobby, Lincoln shooed Mom and Dad away so they didn't cramp their style, then followed Lucy to Spenser's. Lynn and the others trailed behind, and every so often, Lincoln would command them to do something. Lucy disappeared into Spenser's to browse the gothish novelties and Lincoln stayed in the concourse with the others because he wouldn't be caught dead in a Spenser's: It was basically the edgy version of Hot Topic, if you can imagine that. Lincoln essentially got bored and nudged Lynn with his elbow. "Go make a scene," he said. "Being as racist as humanly possible."
Without a word, Lynn went into the middle of the broadway and began to goosestep. "Hitler did nothing wrong! I hate beaners! Whites are wack! Nigger! NIGGER!"
Lincoln laughed so hard that his side split. Lynn wheeled arouind and shot off another Nazi salute. "Every Asian person is responsible for COVID! The Klan is good! I love Louis Farrahkan!" She tucked her arms and flapped her elbows like wings. "I'm fried chicken, breakfast of blackos!"
People passing by stole dirty looks and tried to get as far away from her as they could, which made Lincoln laugh even harder. "Tell a racist joke," he said.
At the top of her lungs, Lynn shouted, "WHAT'S BLACK AND RED? A DEAD NIGROID!"
Lincoln was laughing so hard that tears streamed down his face. He sobered a little when two mall security guards walked up. He turned around and wandered off, pretending not to know Lynn. They grabbed her and started hustling her to the door. "I'M NOT RACIST, MY SLAVES ARE BLACK!" she screamed.
Lucy came out of the store carrying two bags and looked at Lincoln, who was pretending to scan the front window of the shoe store beside Spenser's. "You're going to ruin everything with your retarded sense of humor," she said flatly.
"Buzz off, it's funny," Lincoln said. "You got the credit card?"
She gave it to him.
"Sweet," he said. "Let's go shopping."
They hit up the comic store first. Lincoln bought ten issues of Ace Savvy totalling 105.99. Next, they went to The Vinyl Countdown, which sold records, CDs, DVDs, and other music and movie related merch. Lucy got a box set of films by someone named Dario Argento (99.99) and a copy of Nevermind by Nirvana on vinyl. The cover was of a man with shaggy hair and a beard standing against a backdrop meant to look like the depths of a pool. Lucy told Lincoln that his name was Spenser Elden and that he was on the original cover as a baby; he was naked and swimming through a pool chasing a dollar on some fishing line. He grew up to become a nobody and recreated the cover a dozen times. Finally, sick of living in obscurity, he came out and started a big stink about how Nirvana were pedos or something for having baby balls on the cover of their album. He acted like he was traumatized that everyone had seen his little beanie weenie. It was clearly a deranged flex for attention.
Not that Lincoln really cared. Nirvana was straight up butt rock and Lucy was literally the only person on earth who liked them.
As they made their way through the store, Lincoln whispered something in Luan's ear, and she went up to some fat guy rummaging through a bin of records. She stood before him and clasped her hands behind her back. "Excuse me, mister?"
He looked at her.
"My penis hurts," she said.
"Lane," Lincoln hissed, "stop telling everyone you're trans."
"But my penis hurts, it's too small."
Making a show of being angry, Lincoln stalked over and grabbed her hand. "You'll have to excuse my brother," he told the man, "he's still getting used to being a girl. It wasn't his choice, our mom made him because she's a liberal and hates men."
The man looked around for some means of escape but didn't find any. Lincoln dragged Luan off and met up with Lucy and the others in the lobby. "I want a soft pretzel," Lucy said and nodded down the concourse to the food court. Auntie La'quisha's Pretzel Shack stood next to a Cendy's, and when Lincoln sniffed the air, he caught a big whiff of pretzely goodness. "Hey, Lori," Lincoln said. "Since you like threatening to turn people into human pretzels, this one's on you."
Lincoln and Lucy each ordered a soft pretzel and a lemonade. Lori paid out of her own pocket; she got 53 cents back and Lincoln pocketed it. He and Lucy ate while the others stood by, faces expressionless. For the first time in what felt like hours, Lincoln thought of Lynn and wondered what happened to her. Hopefully she wound up like Adam Walsh.
LOL nah, that was mean. He sent Luna to go find her and report back. "She's sitting on the curb at the gas station across the street," Luna said when she returned.
"She's fine," Lucy said.
Done with their snack, they went back to shopping. By the time they were done, they had added 1,500 dollars of debt to Dad's credit card and made all the others carry their bags. On their way out the door, Lincoln whispered to Luna. Luna went up to the fountain, pulled her panties down, and sling-shotted them at a fat black woman waddling toward the food court. "ROCK AND ROLL!" Luna screamed and threw the devil horns with both hands. She squatted and a yellow stream trickled from beneath her dress, dripping into the fountain. The black woman crinkled her face and waved her hand in front of her nose. "Oh, that's nasty."
As soon as Luna was done, they booked it out of there and went to the van. Lynn came over and they piled in. On the way home, Lucy made Mom stop for ice cream. Lincoln and Lucy ate on the way home, and while they did so, Lincoln ordered Lori to text Bobby. I'm gay so I'm dumping you. They spotted Chaz walking down the street and Lucy had Leni lean out the window. "Hi, fatass!" she said.
Two blocks later, they saw Polly Pain. Lincoln made Mom stop the car and had Lynn get out. Lynn srpinted at her friend, tongue out. "Give me your butthole!" she screamed. Polly looked confused, then afraid as Lynn drew closer. When she was only a few steps away, Polly panicked and hit her with a mean right hook that dropped her cold. "I wanna suck your titties," Lynn moaned through a mouthful of broken teeth. She twitched and bled onto the sidewalk, and Lincoln and Lucy both shrieked with laughter. They made Lori and Lisa go scoop her up and let her bleed all over Lola's dress.
At home, Lincoln ordered Mom to take care of Lynn's mouth while he played one of his brand new video games. He eventually called for Luan, had her get on her hands and knees before him, and kicked his feet up onto her back. "Ah, foot rest," he said. Then: "LOLA! I WANT A COKE!"
Five minutes later, Lola walked through the door with a can of Coke. "It's about time," Lincoln said, then bristled. "And why aren't you in uniform?"
Lola backed out of the room and then came back dressed in a French maid outfit: Black with white ruffles and a little hat. Lincoln snatched the Coke, opened it, and took a drink.
He promptly spat it in her face. "This is warm! How do you expect me to drink a warm soda?" He threw the can against the wall, splattering the contents everywhere. "Now you get to clean it up." He crossed his arms and whipped his head away. Lola went to go get cleaning supplies from the kitchen but he stopped her. "No, with your dress."
Obeying, she got down on her knees and wiped the wall with the hem of her dress. Then she scrubbed the carpet. Meanwhile, Lucy forced Lynn to do all of her laundry and clean the room, then do her chores. When Lynn came back, Lucy forced her to take all of her jersey's in the backyard, yank her shorts down, and squat over them. Lynn clenched and strained until her face turned red, then her bowls released, The contents of her butt spilled onto the pile of clothes and Lucy grinned in the second story window. She felt strong, powerful...like a god.
Mr. Grouse stuck his head over the fence and furrowed his brow at Lynn. "You're sick, Loud."
Completely oblivious to his presence, Lynn wiped herself with one of the jerseys and yanked her shorts up. She went inside and Lucy turned away from the window. Lori and Leni stood in the doorway, awaiting instruction. "Lori, go to the grocery store and buy chocolate pudding. Leni, stand on your head until I tell you to stop."
Lori went off to carry out her orders and Leni stood on her head, legs straight up in the air and feet pressed tightly together. "Like this?" she asked.
"Yes," Lucy said. She plopped down onto her bed, grabbed a book, and began to read. She lost herself in the story and only came back to reality when a loud crash rang out. Leni lay sprawled on the floor, her eyes closed and her face red. All of her blood rushed to her head, causing her to pass out. Oh, well, Lucy thought, she'd be okay. She flipped the page and continued reading. A little while later, Lori returned with a tub of chocolate pudding. "No spoon?" she asked wryly.
Lori went off to get a spoon and came back. "Lori, I want you, Leni, Luna, and Luan to make twelve cream pies."
While she waited, Lucy ate her pudding. At one point, Lincoln came in with his cell phone in one hand and Dad's credit card in the other. "I'm ordering a pizza, what do you want on it?"
"Pineapple," Lucy said.
Lincoln favored her with a look of shock and disgust. "Ew, no."
"Just put it on half," she said.
"Alright," Lincoln relented. He dialed the number, spoke to someone on the other end, and hung up. A half hour later, the pizza arrived, and Lincoln and Lucy shared it between them as they watched Lynn and Lana wrestle for their amusement. Lynn picked Lana up and body slammed her so hard that the house shook. Lincoln and Lucy both winced. Lincoln turned to Lucy. "You think maybe we've gone a little too far?"
They both looked at Lana, who twitched and slobbered on the floor.
"Nah," they said in unison.
Next up, Lucy made Lynn and Leni run around on all fours like a couple of dogs, and Lincoln forced Lori to rub his sweaty feet. "Be sure to get between the toes," he said and wiggled them for emphasis. When the cream pies Lucy had requested were done, Luan wheeled them in on a metal serving tray, and Lucy had everyone line up against the wall. Lincoln walked over and put his hands on his hips. "What's this all about?" he asked and jerked his chin to the tray.
Lucy picked one of the pies up and said, "This." She hurled it at Luan's face; it hit and dropped to the floor, Luan's face thickly coated in a mixture of cream and jam. "Beep beep, Luan," Lucy said.
Lincoln screamed laughter. He picked one of the pies up, scanned the row, and picked his target. He wound up and let fly at Luna. The pie hit her in the chest and splattered Leni and Lynn, who stood on either side of her. She didn't move or change her expression. Lucy grabbed another pie and threw it at Lana. Lincoln hit Lola. Lucy got a pie in each hand and ran up to Lisa and Lily, slamming them into their faces. Lincoln threw one at Mom and then another at Dad, before throwing another at Lucy. It hit her, and laughing, she grabbed one to return fire. Lincoln ducked behind the couch and nearly caught a pie to the face. He darted out and grabbed another but Lucy was too quick and pegged him. He scraped some of the cream from his face and flung it at her. When it was over, they lay on the floor laughing and panting for air.
"This is awesome," Lincoln said.
"We should keep them like this."
Lincoln made their slaves clean up the living room, then took a shower. He met up with Lucy in the living room, and they bought a bunch of pay-per-view movies with Dad's credit card, They ate snacks and watched movies until 3am, when Lincoln drifted off to sleep.
He couldn't wait for morning.
Lincoln came awake to someone violently shaking him. He sat up with a gasp and looked around the living room, bewildered. What he saw froze his blood. Mom, Dad, and the others loomed over him and Lucy, coated in cream and looking angry.
What were they doing?
"Go away," Lucy said, "we're sleeping."
"You have a lot of explaining to do," Mom said.
That's when it hit Lincoln.
They weren't hypnotized anymore.
What little color was in Lucy's face drained away and she looked terrified. "We are returning all of the things you bought on my credit card," Dad said.
"And you owe me for that pretzel," Lori said.
The hypnosis had worn off, and as it turned out, they were entirely conscious through the whole thing and remembered every pie, every insult, every purchase.
Suddenly, Lori and Dad grabbed him while Mom and Lynn grabbed Lucy. Lincoln's heart slammed and he thought he was a goner. "You two are grounded for the next eight months," Mom said.
"And you'll be doing everyone's chores allowance free to pay back the food you bought," Dad said.
O-Okay. T-That was reasonable.
"Now your father and I are walking away for five minutes," Mom said. "You kids can...work this out...on your own."
Lincoln's stomach dropped.
Mom and Dad left, and Lincoln and Lucy were alone with their sisters.
That five minutes proved to be the longest - and most painful - of Lincoln and Lucy's lives.
THE END