The Houses Competition (or THC) Round 2

Story Type: Standard

House: Hufflepuff

Class: Muggle Studies

Prompt: [Animal] Cow and [Character] Peeves

Word Count: 2017 words

Beta Love: Thanks to my team for beta-ing

"Come on, come on, come on!' Sirius begged, pulling on the rope connected to the halter of the black spotted cow trailing leisurely behind him. "It's almost time for class change, If you don't move faster, we'll get caught."

"Mooooo," offered the cow in response.

"Oh forget it," Sirius said, looking at his watch, "We'll hide in the secret passage down here. Don't you mind that McGonagall will have me in detention forever because you're going to make me tardy for transfiguration?" Painfully slowly, Sirius got the cow to the corner of the hallway where he whispered the password (Mugwump) to a large painting of a little girl using magic to make a small terrier hover. The girl in the painting obediently lowered the dog to the ground where it seemed to tear at the edge of the painting with its teeth, leaving a large opening for Sirius and the cow to scramble through.

Once the painting was securely closed behind them, Sirius lowered himself against the stone walls of the passageway. If he followed this passage all the way out, it would lead to a small muggle village just outside the grounds, but for now there was no need for such a journey.

"I'm going to murder James," Sirius mused to the cow.

It was James's fault he was in this mess. The two fifth-years had smuggled some fire whisky in from Hogsmeade and over some late-night and very drunken Exploding Snap, had decided it would be an excellent idea to sneak in a cow from the local dairy farm and leave it in the History of Magic classroom to see if Professor Binns noticed. Sirius had lost the game and thereby won the privilege of actually collecting the cow. The cow, as it turned out, was less enamored with the plan than the boys and had been notoriously uncooperative. Sirius groaned; he would have to hide in here until the hallways were cleared for class and then try to move the animal to a supply closet or unused classroom closer to the History of Magic room. Hopefully the cow would at least stay quiet in the meantime.

Peeves floated through the hallway as students finished filtering into classrooms. It had been an excellent passing period. He'd blown 4 raspberries, sent 5 first years skittering off in entirely the wrong direction, and placed gum in the keyholes of two separate classrooms. There was less to do while the students were in class, but maybe he'd float up to the Astronomy Tower and ink the telescopes for a while.

Peeves stopped. He had just heard something. He heard it again.

"Moooooo."

Peeves forgot the Astronomy Tower; whatever this was would certainly be great fun. He floated in the direction of the sound and casually kept going through a piece of wall blocked by a large picture of a girl and her dog. He was mildly surprised to find himself not in the wall or out on the grounds but in a stone passage on the other side. Inside the passage was a large Holstein cow and a rather frantic Sirius Black.

"Please, stop. Somebody will hear us," Black implored the cow, scratching gently behind its ears.

"Mooo," the cow offered.

Peeves decided it was time to make himself known. "Beastly Black isn't in class!" he cackled, and Sirius jumped up, startled. Peeves continued, "Sirius Black isn't supposed to be in this passage and Sirius Black isn't supposed to have a cow. Peeves will have to let Professor McGonagall know."

Sirius all but let out an audible groan, "Peeves! Get out of here and be quiet. This is none of your business."

"There was a wizard who's stolen a cow. I don't know how he's stolen a cow. He's stolen the cow to catch a goat, he's stolen a goat to catch a dog, he's stolen a dog to catch–" Peeves crooned.

"Oh shut up!" Sirius shouted, although his point was rather undermined by the cow letting out another moo in seeming approval of Peeves' singing. "Look, Peeves, what do I have to do to get you to not tell McGonagall about this?"

"Ooooh," Peeves said, "Anything I want?"

Sirius grimaced, "Sure. Fine. What do you want?"

"I want a foot massage," Peeves declared.

Sirius realized he didn't have many options, but that didn't change the fact that this was completely ridiculous.

"You're a poltergeist. I can't even touch you," he argued.

"PROFESSORS, THERE'S A STUDEN—" Peeves started.

"Okay, okay," Sirius interrupted, "come here."

Gingerly, he reached for Peeve's foot. Somehow, despite being entirely immaterial, the poltergeist still managed to have smelly feet. Every time Sirius moved his fingers up and down around the foot he got jolted with an icy cold blast of freezing air. For his part, Peeves kept humming "the Little Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly." Sirius tried to distract himself by imagining the many and varied ways in which he was definitely going to murder his best friend for getting him into this mess.

"Okaaay," Peeves said cloyingly, "that's enough. I want something else now."

"What do you want?" Sirius asked.

"I want some milk."

"You want me to run to the kitchens and get you some milk?" Sirius asked, baffled. "You can't actually drink it."

"Tee hee hee hee," Peeves snickered, "You can't be serious." Sirius scowled at the pun and didn't respond. Peeves took the invitation to continue, "I want her milk." He gestured to the cow.

"I don't know how to milk a cow!" Sirius objected.

"PROFESSORS THERE'S—"

"Fine. Just give me a second to figure it out, ok?" Sirius walked around the cow and bent down near the udder. He poked it gingerly, and the cow turned her head to give him an aggrieved look. No milk that way. He tried squeezing gently and the cow let out a moo of protest, but still no milk.

"I've never actually thought about how you milk a cow," he explained to Peeves. "Let me go ask a friend. I promise I'll be back. Just don't go anywhere or say anything to anybody."

"Peeves promises," said the poltergeist, putting his hand over his heart in a gesture so satirical Sirius had no faith in it. He also didn't have any choice, though, so he scrambled out of the portrait in search of a friend.

Sirius did not run, that would get him stopped by a professor. He walked quickly and thought through his options. Most of his friends were from wizarding families. He had no reason to believe any of them knew anything about cows. Were deer anything like cows? Maybe James would know something—

Sirius shook off the thought. James would laugh him out of the room at the thought. Even though this entire situation was his fault. James was totally buying Sirius's butterbeer for the rest of the year.

Sirius was abruptly launched out of his musings as he nearly collided with another student. Startled, he looked up.

"Lily!" he shouted, "I've never been so glad to see somebody. Your parents are muggles right?"

Lily narrowed her eyes, "Not you too. What's wrong with that, Sirius?"

Sirius realized that had sounded potentially insulting, "No, no. There's nothing wrong with that. I just—muggles take their children to—oh, what's it called? Petting zoos! Right? Have you ever been to a petting zoo?"

Lily looked less insulted now, but extremely baffled. "I went to petting zoos when I was little, yes. Why?"

"Do you know anything about how to milk a cow?" he blurted out.

"What?"

"Just – it's a long story. I just really need to know."

"If James put you up to this—"

"He didn't, I promise."

Lily sighed, "I think it was a squeeze and pull motion, and then the milk goes into a pail, but like I said, I was really little."

"Thanks! You're fantastic." With that, Sirius ran back to the hidden corridor. He didn't have a pail, so on the way he pilfered the helmet from an armored statue and tucked it under his arm.

Back in the closet, Peeve's had been entertaining himself by mooing back at the cow.

"Mooo," said the cow

"Mooo," returned the poltergeist.

"Mooo."

"Moooooo."

"Moo." This extremely entertaining game was interrupted by Sirius bursting back into the corridor holding a helmet.

"Oooh, has Black been stealing again?" Peeve's crooned.

"It's for your milk," Sirius said shortly. The teenager moved behind the cow and began milking as Lily had described.

"Ouch, this takes forever and my hands are cramping," he complained. It took him the better part of twenty minutes, but he was able to fill a respectable portion of the helmet with milk. He shoved it at Peeves, "Here, this is for you."

Peeves floated around leisurely, "Black needs to heat the milk. You wouldn't want dear Peevsie to get sick."

The teenager looked like he wanted to throw the helmet, "You can't get sick, you're not alive. Just drink the milk and leave me alone."

"STUDENT IN THE WALL WITH—" Peeves started. He was so enjoying this.

"Fine. Fine, give me a second," Sirius said and ran off.

Sirius tried to walk quickly and steadily so as not to spill the milk in his helmet. The walk to the kitchens felt interminable, but eventually he made it. Peter had recently figured out how to get in and Sirius burst in, ignoring the objections of numerous house-elves. He found a stove top and pointed his wand at it.

"Incendio," he murmured, and a small flame appeared.

The helmet wouldn't balance on its own, so Sirius was forced to hold the rim as the milk heated. Being metal, the helmet heated up quickly. When the temperature of the metal became unbearable, Sirius stuck a finger in. The milk itself was only lukewarm, but not hot. He shrugged, he'd tell Peeves it had cooled on the way up from the kitchen. Peeves was a poltergeist; it wasn't like he could get sick from unpasteurized milk.

Sirius made the journey back up to the secret corridor. It was now lunch time and a small number of students looked quizzically at his milk-filled helmet. Fortunately, they were all younger than him and Sirius settled for giving them glares that communicated, "Say nothing. Ask nothing." Upon finally arriving at the passageway entrance, Sirius let himself in and shoved the helmet at Peeves. "Here, take it."

"This isn't warm enough. Is Black trying to make Peevsie sick?" asked the poltergeist in a sickly sweet voice.

"It cooled down on the way from the kitchens," Sirius lied.

"Sirius will have to go back. Food safety is a serious business," Peeves insisted, clearly delighting in the pun.

Sirius was done. He didn't care if McGonagall put him in detention for the rest of term at this point.

"I'm not going back to the kitchen for you!" He stomped his foot for emphasis. "Do what you want with that milk and then get lost. We're done here."

Sirius walked to the exit, planning to leave dramatically. As he heaved the door open, he noticed a cat lapping up milk in the hallway beyond. He must have spilled some in his rush back up here. It was probably just Miss Norris, he reassured himself. Who cared if she had some milk, it's not like she could talk.

To Sirius's dismay the cat looked up at him and seemed to give a reproachful glare. He realized then it wasn't Miss Norris.

"Oh, come on," he said, as the cat transformed into his Transfiguration professor. Professor McGonagall peered inside the still open entryway. Peeves took the opportunity to drop the helmet full of milk, spilling it everywhere. The cow let out a moo.

"Mr. Black, care to explain?" asked McGonagall.

"It's a Muggle Studies project?" Black tried lamely.

"I see. You'll have to explain it to me in detention for the rest of the week. And see that you return that cow first," McGonagall declared.

Sirius nodded, letting is shoulders slump in defeat. James would be buying him so much butterbeer for this.