Ferry Scene Take 3089

(Mac comes clean)

"Is that a request?"

His deer in headlights look makes my heart plummet in my chest. I'm going to have to fight for this.

"You know they wrote Eternity on this bridge at New Years."

Oh God. He doesn't even want to talk about it.

"Is that how long we're gonna wait?"

"Mac—"

"Look, Harm, am I crazy or did you or did you not fight Mic Brumby over me?"

His raised eyebrows show me he realizes he's trapped. Good.

"That was...that was because of a lot of things and it was a longtime coming."

Good obfuscation Commander.

"You never liked Mic, why?"

"He's not a good guy."

"How so?"

"He—well he tried to pin you for murder for one."

"Which was his job."

"I would never have taken that job, even if it had been a direct order."

"And why is that Harm?"

"Because—" and then he stops and shakes his finger at me. "I see what you're doing."

"And I don't understand why you can't just talk about the elephant in the room."

I see his chest heave and he sighs heavily.

I realize then that I'm on the verge of tears. It hits me like a punch to the gut that maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he hasn't wanted to bring this up because he doesn't want to hurt me because...he doesn't want what I want.

I can either push it to find out what is going on in his head, good or bad...or I can keep the mystery and the hope. Suddenly I don't even know what I want but I do know I can't keep standing in front of him, waiting for an answer I don't think I'm going to like.

So I move around beside him and lean on the railing of the ferry, looking out over the harbor.

I can feel him looking at me. But I just feel like I'm waiting for the axe to fall and I can't bring myself to say anything.

He doesn't say anything either, but he does clear his throat and turn around to stare out at the harbor with me.

After a few more moments of silence he suddenly groans and grips the railing.

"I'm sorry I can't give you the answer you want right now Mac. I'm just...I'm not ready."

"Yeah. Yeah I got it."

"Do you? Do you really understand?"

"I think so. You value and respect me as a friend and a colleague so you don't want to sleep with me and ruin that," and I hear myself speak before I can stop it coming out, "Because you only want to sleep with me. You don't want a relationship. I'm not your endgame. You don't want commitment or marriage or babies. So you don't want me to think this would go somewhere it wouldn't by making this physical."

And I know I'm 3 seconds away from breaking down completely.

"Can you just...can you just go, Harm? I need...I need to be by myself for a few minutes."

I can't tell how he took what I said. I can't look at him. Everything about him feels like it is opening a giant gaping wound in my heart and I feel like I'm bleeding out.

"Mac, I—"

"Please just go. Please. I've already made enough of a fool of myself, please just let me be."

And with one hesitant release of the railing I feel his arms fall away and he retreats from the walkway where we were.

I watch him go out of the corner of my eye until I can't see him and then I can't hold it in anymore. The tears break out of me as a flood and I barely feel like I can stay upright.

And then in what feels like a dream sequence I feel his arm on mine and feel him pulling me around and crushing me to his chest. I don't protest, I'm too shocked and still overwhelmed.

"You're wrong, Sarah. You're wrong. And I'm sorry for a second that I let you think that." He kisses my forehead. He kisses my cheeks, still wet from tears and then he looks deep into my eyes and he holds my face. Then he leans in and kisses me. Deeply, solidly, with a tenderness I have never felt from any kiss before in my life.

All too soon it's over and I feel him pulling away.

"I don't just want to sleep with you Mac. I do want...marriage and babies...with you. I just...I can't yet."

"Then when Harm? You know I kinda have a deadline on making a family?"

"Yes...yeah, I know."

"So when?"

He sighs and puts his forehead on mine. In the smallest voice I've ever heard Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr use, he says, "I feel like if I start something with you now I will ruin it."

My breathe catches in my chest.

"Everything, everyone I have loved has…ended up hurting for knowing me. I don't want to—I can't hurt you too Mac."

"Oh Harm."

And suddenly I see us. Plainly. Honestly for the first time. When we've finally laid ourselves bare to each other, I can see our souls together. So similar. Two children reliving the worst moments of their childhoods.

I cradle his face in my hands.

"Harm, if you fight just an ounce for me the way you fight for any of your clients. The way you fight for justice. The way you fought for your father….I think we'll be okay. Together."

"Mac, I'm broken…I just don't think…"

"Harm. I'm broken too."

I feel his breath hitch. He wants to fight me on this. Wants me not to think that way about myself. But then he releases his breath and accepts my words. Maybe he sees the truth of us too.

"I want to try I'm just…"

"Scared?"

"Yeah."

"Me too."

He takes my hands and holds them. He rubs his thumbs over my hands and we just stay there like that for what feels like forever.

Then his hands leave mine and he wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my forehead. I hug him back and let out a deep sigh of contentment.

Then I feel the rumble of laughter coming deep from his chest.

I pull back and look at him and he's got his megawatt Flyboy smile on as he looks at me.

"I love you Sarah MacKenzie."

My breath hitches hearing him say those words. But then the joy overtakes the yearning child in me and I smile back at him. "I love you too Harmon Rabb. Think we could figure out our future together?"

"I would love nothing more, Mac."

Epilogue:

The next morning we go to the Admiral. Tell him about our changed relationship status. He rolls his eyes but then he smiles. "Took you both long enough."

I snort and Harm's mouth drops open in surprise.

"Who wants to transfer out of JAG?"

And just as we talked about last night, I tell him I will. I tell him I'm happy to move to the Pentagon or one of the bases in the DC area.

And I am. Because someone has to be home for our future kids. A child with blue eyes and a big smile that will melt my heart, just like his Daddy.