Fate: Unequally Blade Works

by OverMaster

Spinoff of Unequally Rational and Emotional. Ten years ago, the corrupted Holy Grail destroyed Fuyuki City, only to manifest itself at Mahora Academy's campus a decade later. Now, Emiya Shirou, survivor of the Fuyuki fires, is drawn into a battle between the strongest and weirdest warriors of history past, present and future. Can he count with help from boy mage Negi Springfield?

2. Artoria Pendragon

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own Mahou Sensei Negima!

Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon created and own Fate/Stay Night.

We make no money from the creation of this fanfiction piece.

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Fate: Unequally Blade Works.

Chapter Two: Artoria Pendragon.

---

By OverMaster and Shadow Crystal Mage.

---

"I have a question, and that question is very important," Haruna suddenly said, and the air around the table grew chilly with the strange, almost ominous, seriousness of her tone.

"What is it?" Rin asked.

"What would happen if a Master and their Servant were to make a Pactio?" Haruna eagerly asked.

Everyone but Rin, Lala, Saber, Nodoka and Yue facefaulted to the floor. Nodoka and Yue briefly exchanged faint, knowing smiles, the kind two people who are experienced at something give when a noob shows ignorance on how a given subject works.

"Saotome, I mean this in the most insulting possible way," Chisame said as she straightened. "You're acting just like Chamo."

Rin blinked, then asked, "By 'Pactio', you mean one of those contracts mages resort to so they can have sidekicks to protect them, right? That 'make a contract with me and be my fight-slave forever, eternally going into battle without reward thanks to the fact I have a small talking animal with me'?" She ignored the way Makie shook and trembled with every word, clutching a concerned Sailor Mercury tighter and tighter. "Well, I'm no expert at your variety of magecraft, but—"

"Wizardry!" Negi protested, climbing back to his chair.

"Sidekicks?!" an indignant Chisame added, working back to the chair next to Negi's.

"It's been done before, at least once," Rin continued, undeterred and, if anything, even smirking now. "During the Third Grail War, the representatives of the Edelfelt Clan, two conniving, backstabbing, cowardly and ugly inferior magi, resorted to combining strategies of mages and magi in a desperate attempt to overcome their shortcomings. So they made Provisional Alliances with their respective Servants of the Saber class."

"And what happened?" Sora asked.

"Well, they still lost, because the Edelfelts are incompetent at everything they do," Rin easily said.

"Wasn't one of those people one of your relatives? Married into your family because her sister ditched her?" Vigilante said. "I remember your sister telling me about it."

"ANYWAY!" Rin interrupted. "The records show the Sabers didn't gain any Artifacts like yours, if that's what you were wondering. The capacity of a Heroic Spirit is already far above that of most modern magi, so it's not like a Provisional Alliance could give them any power that was better than anything they already had. However, there was an added advantage they gained," Rin admitted. "It seems, through a Pactio, a Servant can gain the ability to summon their Noble Phantasm without actually proclaiming their name, just by shouting the generic 'Adeat!' activation word that is the standard for Ministra Magi."

"Are you serious?" an interested Saber raised an eyebrow. "That seems quite a boon for the battlefield. A Servant who can use their trump card without revealing their weaknesses would be left in quite the advantageous position."

"I said 'summon', Saber," Rin said. "As in, make appear in their hands. The Sabers they summoned where somehow lucky enough to have a Noble Phantasm that was constantly passively active, so they just needed to have it. My ancestor– "

"The one who eventually married one of the Edelfelts?" Vigilante said.

"ANYWAY!" Rin said. "She said that she suspected the bells in the Sabers hair was the real Noble Phantasm, given how they seemed to survive so much damage."

"Wait, she?" Shirou said, shocked.

"What, you have something against gay people, Emiya?" Rin said challengingly. "Surely you've wondered why we don't have the Edelfelt's hereditary attribute that allowed for two carriers of a thaumaturgical crest in each generation?"

"Uh, no, not really," Shirou said.

Rin made a strangled sound. "Magic is wasted on you, Emiya-kun."

"It's still an advantage in the event a Servant is somehow separated from their Noble Phantasm," the impressed Negi nodded. "You'd think Magi would do it more often, then..."

Rin almost grimaced. "W-Well, you know most magi are reluctant to embrace the ways of the mages, and viceversa..."

"So magi would rather risking to lose than taking a page from the mages' rulebook?" Chisame asked.

"The same thing applies to mages in regards to us!" Rin protested. "Look, I don't want to sound prejudiced, because I really am not—!"

"Right," Misa said.

"Right!" Rin growled. "But the point stands, mages are mages and magi are magi, and everyone's better left doing what they do without bothering the other faction! Mixing different types of magecraft like that is dangerous!"

"Wizardry," Negi quietly insisted.

"I still think it's all the same!" Makie whined, tossing her hands up. "You guys sound like you just want to have petty fights with each other because each side wants to label their magic differently despite both being the same!"

Rin and Negi gave her a very jaded look, glanced at each other and rolled their eyes. "Mundanes," they both said in an exasperated voice.

"See, even your reactions are the same!" Makie accused.

"Come on now, Tohsaka, Sensei," Shirou intervened to placate them, "I know magi and mages aren't the same, but anyway, I'm sure common ground can be found between us, right? I know we could learn a lot from each other, that's what Dad used to tell me, and if we only were to listen and pay attention, maybe we could even come together to develop new, better kinds of magic to help others with!" He paused.

Rin huffed, tapping her fingers on the table. "Well, that's what the three families who created the Grail thought, and look where that took us!"

"Just because others have misused the power and strayed away from their good intentions, it doesn't mean everyone will, Tohsaka," Saber calmly replied. "While Shirou's outlook is too optimistic, short-sighted, naïve, pink-haired, childish, silly, youthful, dense, and banna-shaped, yours seems to be too cynical instead. Personally, I think these venues of experimentation are worth exploring as long as it is done carefully."

"Uh, yeah, well, that's what I mean, too!" her Master nodded. "Which is why—"

"Which is why I would be willing to establish one of these 'Pactios' with Shirou in return for that boon in the battlefield," Saber matter-of-factly stated.

"Yeah, that sounds like a good WHAAAAAAAT?!" Shirou leapt off his chair.

"Look at it this way, sempai," Matoi said, patting Shirou reassuringly on the leg. "Today a Pactio, tomorrow fellatio!"

---

"I… I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Saber," Shirou said, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. "From what I've heard, a Pactio is a huge thing, not to be done lightly. It's a link meant to bring Magister and Ministra together forever, like, um, marriage…?"

"Um, well," Negi said, "not so much with Provisional Alliances. That is why they're provisional…"

"So it's like dating," Matoi said. "Which still allows for option of fellatio, so good for you, sempai!"

"Whose side are you on?" Rin said flatly.

"What? Just because Emiya-sempai is my ex is no reason for me to not want him to find the same happiness that I've found," Matoi said beatifically.

"You can go back," Chisame said. "Go ahead, feel free."

"Oh Chisame-sama, you kidder. Is all this talk of fellatio making you uncomfortable? Don't worry, I assure you if you had one, I'd perform fellatio of y– " which was as far as Matoi got before a sighing Hakase slapped a hand over her mouth. The two glared at each other.

"Although," Itoshiki cautioned, "Provisional Alliances are not the actual way Pactios are supposed to be established. If anything they're a corruption for convenience of the actually intended, grave meaning of such a blessed union. I'm in mildly despair, in hindsight. Being reminded of how easily that valuable, life changing tool of wizardly magic has shifted into a lesser bond by those looking to make quick money from more Pactio contracts in a shorter time has left me in mild despair," he casually commented before reaching for a glass of water.

"If you're afraid of tying your fate to mine, Shirou, let your spirit rest at ease," Saber told him. "One way or another, I will be gone by this War's conclusion, to never bother you again. Whether I reach the Grail and get to ask for my wish's completion or whether I destroy it to be left forever unfulfilled, our acquaintance will be a brief one."

Shirou made a face. "Is that supposed to be making me feel any better? Because it doesn't!"

"Gee, I mean, Saber-san," Makie said. "You're even worse at this whole self-putdown thing than Negi-kun is! And he's British! You're beating a Brit at being self-depreciation!"

For some reason, that made Saber let out a small, very strange smile.

"Although not as good as Despair-sense or Kaga-sempai," Yuuna added. "No matter how ancient you were, you still were born 100 years too late for that."

"That is true," Itoshiki nodded sagely.

"Ah, I'm sorry," Ai said. "I'm sorry for surpassing you! I didn't mean to! And I'm sorry for reminding people my unworthy self was here! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Either way, I'm willing to risk myself, both here and in the field of honor, for the sake of victory," Saber said. "What is required to make these 'Alliances' work?"

Merlin had, more than once, pestered her about doing something called a 'Pactio' with Guinevere, but it had sounded like just more of the old man's folly, so Artoria had always excused herself away before he could finish his explanations. In hindsight, perhaps she should have listened to him then, but then again, her whole wish was spurred by all of the regrets from her past, was not it?

"Well," Kerberos reluctantly said, "there are pactios that can be done through an equivalent exchange of vital fluids like blood, but that should be out of the question in this case. There's no way that anything good could happen if your blood was pumped into Emiya-san's body…"

All who had experienced a Pactio before briefly tilted their heads and imagined that outcome.

---

BAD END # 2:

And then Emiya's head exploded like a bursting balloon, showering everyone around him with gore. Ako made the longest scream ever and fainted while convulsing violently.

Saber calmly looked back at Rin. "I'll take your contract, and we're trying the kiss instead."

---

Everyone, especially Ako, shuddered after the shared mental image was over.

"No," Shirou said upon some consideration, blissfully unaware of the group mental image. "No blood. It sounds distressingly vampiric."

"Well, there are other fluids. Uh, semen also–"

With lightning-fast movements, Yue grabbed Kero and stuffed a juice carton in his mouth.

"What was that?" Haruna said, grinning. "I thought I heard something interesting!"

"It was just your imagination," Yue said blandly.

"But– "

Lala, for once sensing the mood, grabbed Haruna and stuffed the end of her tail into the mangaka's mouth, shuddering cutely at the contact. Haruna, after a moment, contented herself with sucking on Lala's tail.

Kero bit down on the carton, sucked up all the juice and spat out the empty cardboard container. "Y-You could also try exchanging valuable relics blessed by holy power, but again, that requires an equivalent trade, and I doubt Emiya-kun has anything as valuable as the relics a Heroic Spirit would own. That only leaves us with the kind of contract Albert Chamomile favors," he said, sharing a sneer with Artemis and Chisame.

"Who is Albert Chamomile?" Saber asked.

"My familiar, currently in CLAMP Gakuen helping Goodman-san and Sakura-san run an errant," Negi informed. "He's arranged for each Provisional Alliance I've ever had."

"And… how many are those, anyway?" Shirou asked.

Without a word, Chisame, Sora, Misa, Sakurako, Madoka, Misora, Cocone, Satomi, Ayaka, Haruna and Yuuna all held their Pactio cards up, Ayaka and Paru proudly smiling from ear to ear as they did so. "Plus four more girls who are out of campus for the weekend, including the Headmaster's grandaughter, "Rito supplied.

Saber merely raised an eyebrow as Vigilante choked loudly in his own tongue, taking both hands to his throat. Shirou paled and boggled, while Rin gasped, "What the hell, Sensei, that many?! And how old are you, nine?! The rumors were wrong then, Yuuki-san isn't the Perverted Beast, YOU are!"

"Finally, someone gets it!" Rito sobbed with an angelical smile. "Thank you, Tohsaka-san!"

"Get away from me you pervert," Rin said, leaning back. Rito sighed, but was still happy at losing the position of 'Perverted Beast', so he didn't mind.

"… I'm so sorry…" Negi lowered his head, shrinking in his chair, and looking extremely adorable and vulnerable.

"That's him going into his 'I didn't mean to, feel sorry for me, be my next Ministra' mode," Rito informed Saber and Rin.

"Rito-chan!" Haruna scolded him.

"I see," Saber said. "Well, I suppose any magic user who aspires to great renown would desire to follow the path of Solomon, King of Magic, he who held one thousand wives, so while I cannot praise the Professor's behavior, I will not punish it either. So, from the context of Tohsaka's scandalized reaction, I assume these 'Pactios' involved sexual contact of some kind…?"

"S-S-Sexual?!" Negi screamed. "No, no, you got it all wrong! It's only a kiss, just that, a kiss!"

And interesting look came over Chisame's face. It had parts of dawning horror, parts of utter terror, parts of oncoming hysteria and parts of curious arousal, among others. "How the hell do you know what that word means?!" she choked.

"Sex is for the Permanent stage of the Pactio," Kero elaborated.

"Is that all?" Saber asked. "Well, since I won't be spending long around Shirou, a Permanent Alliance is meaningless. I fail to see what the dramatic relevance of kissing a weapon is. We would often do it before heading into the field of battle, to invoke Lady Luck upon them…"

"Kissing a weapon?" Madoka doubted. "Is that what you called fellatio back then?"

"Would you all please get over that?!" Chisame cried.

Saber nodded. "I am not a human being, I am neither woman nor man. Think of me as nothing but a tool, an instrument for warfare. That is the nature of a Servant. It is foolish to think of us as equals, even if we deserve the same respect you should give the weaponry that keeps your life safe. It is even greater folly to fall in love with a Servant, a passing shadow that will be gone by the morning, and likewise for a Servant to love the Master beyond the bond between two soldiers in the middle of the carnage. Shirou understands that, which is why he won't object to something as trivial as a kiss made in the mere interests of gaining the edge Tohsaka helpfully described to us."

"Uh, duh, well, ah, you'll see, I, am, ummm, hmmm," Shirou said.

"I'm not helping you, you're still my enemies, I'm just saying this for the benefit of the civilians who got themselves involved in something that threatens their lives!" Rin denied.

Lala blinked. "And how does any of that 'how to raise your Servant' information help us at all…?"

Chisame merely nodded in approval at Rin's dedication to the Way of the Tsundere.

Sakurako chuckled, looking at Madoka and Misa. "This girl will love Setsuna, I'm so sure…!"

"Oh, for real," Madoka agreed. "That whole 'I'm nothing but a weapon, I could never love my Master' spiel? Wish I could've recorded it to—"

"Way ahead of you like always," Misa grinned, holding up her cellphone. "Just wait 'til Setchan hears it, it's gonna be a blast…!"

---

How to be a Perfect Homemaker.

Tohsaka Sakura put her umbrella aside, took her shoes off, and sighed as she walked into the old house.

"Well," she said to herself as she took her overcoat off, neatly hanging it by the lamp. "Time to get dinner ready for when Neesan and Vigilante-san get back..."

She rolled her sleeves up, drew a deep breath in, marched into the kitchen...

... then opened a kitchen drawer, pulled a set of paper dolls of herself, quickly wrote on them, and clapped for them. "Okay, girls, wake up, time to work! Tonight's menu is grilled catfish with a Ceasar salad, and pudding for the dessert! It'lll be handled by Passionlip and Meltlilith! Violet and Kingprotea will wash the clothes! As for you, Kazuradrop, you're cleaning the floors today! You're all okay with these arrangements, right?!"

The five Chibi Sakuras with cartoonishly huge breasts (except for the one who was flat as a plank) rose from the table, floated before their Master, and saluted her, "Yes, Sakura-sama, yes, Ma'am!" before diligently flying away to fulfill their duties.

Sakuta exhaled pleasantly, nodded to herself in satisfaction at a well done job, walked back into the living room, dropped on the couch, turned the TV on, and began watching the soap opera.

"Today, in 'Sakura, Episode 257'...When we last left our heroine, she had come to terms with having a sexual relationship with her sister. However, a mysterious blonde foreigner with a dark past enters!"

She sighed happily to herself. Good, she had made it back in time! As much as she hated leaving Nee-san and Vigilante-san and Sempai and even Saber-san behind like that, well, there had been no way she would miss it, not even for them!

She was a Tohsaka, after all. She couldn't program the darn Blu-ray recorder any better than Rin could.

---

The next day, this happened:

Emiya Shirou didn't like to think of himself as a lucky or unlucky man. He didn't like thinking of luck as an important factor in people's lives, actually. His policy was one of 'If handed lemons, make lemonade', and he tried to live life according to it. Anyone who knew him, even his most acerbic detractors, would admit he was a hard worker and left nothing to chance; while no genius or outstanding academic achiever, he was fairly studious and got slightly above average grades, even if his knowledge before what was strictly asked from it— whether in the fields of mundane or magical education—was still sorely lacking. But that was mostly because he spent too long working hard to indulge any thirst for knowledge he didn't have anyway.

Artoria Pendragon was not a woman—or, for a brief while, bird, squirrel or hermaphrodite, but had been so long ago!—who left things to luck or chance either. Which was probably for the best as her luck tended to be rotten, no matter what her stats sheet might say. She'd work thrice as hard as Shirou, ever since her days as a squire in Sir Ector's castle, and would never complain unless she thought she was being denied the fair results of her hard work. She despised shortcuts and liked doing things the hard, honorable way, the better to taste the fruits of her effort. That had brought her no small amount of friction with her Master in the Fourth Grail War, Emiya Kiritsugu , Shirou's future foster father, a man who had no pride, but had he ever had one, would have prided himself in being pragmatic and always taking the quickest and safest available way.

Not that it mattered that much either at the end of the day, since his luck was even worse than Saber's.
So we have established Shirou and Artoria, better known right now as Servant Saber, were both stubborn hard workers who spared no expense in their drive and will to get things done. And they wouldn't resort to cheap advantages, even to make up for their shortcomings, when they could overwhelm them through their own determination and Hot Bloodedness. And yet, as of now, Saber couldn't help wondering if something had rubbed off from Kiritsugu on both of them through their association with him.

An outsider would have said their brains had finally started working, but whatever.

Saber supposed she shouldn't complain, since after all this had technically been her idea. It had just seemed fair, that since Shirou's bad form as a magus and Master had harmed her skillset, power and performance so much since summoning her, he should repay her in some way (the food he'd cooked didn't count). That had made sense when she first heard of the Pactio System, other than those vague teasing Merlin had babbled about so many centuries ago. Shirou would pull his weight in their relationship as Master and Servant without needing to idiotically put himself into harm's way as he was prone to do, and hopefully this would help his hopeless Martyr Complex enough, by reassuring him he could be of help even if he couldn't fight along Saber herself.

Yeah, well, okay. But Saber had no way of knowing it wouldn't. She hadn't known Shirou for that long yet, after all, and was vastly underestimating him.

They stood on top of a mound of dirt, at an empty lot under a huge, colorful billboard promising the upcoming arrival of a Lex Mall onto such premises; hardly the epic scenery fit for a life changing new bold step in the existence of a Heroic Spirit, but it would have to do. Next to them stood waiting the little boy, the little boy's ermine familiar, the girl with glasses and a ponytail, and the smaller, bespectacled girl who always seemed to wear an open labcoat over her clothes.

Oh, and the girl with short black hair who always hung close behind the girl with the ponytail, of course. Honestly, sometimes it was easy to forget her presence. She'd have made for an excellent Assassin.

Finally, the other three arrived, although they had been waiting for five instead. There was a very short and young looking girl with long golden hair and aloof, cold green eyes who gave Saber pause due to her strange aura of subtle mystery and veiled threat. There also was a much taller girl with long light green hair and strange metallic protuberances coming out of her head. And finally, there was a smiling beautiful young woman with mismatched eyes, long reddish hair in twin tails, and tiny golden bells keeping the tails in place.

"Ah, good afternoon!" Negi-sensei, the small boy in the dark green suit, waved at them before introducing them. "Saber-san, Emiya-san, these are a few clubmates of ours you couldn't meet the other day. Evangeline McDowell-san is teaching me wizardry…"

"Black magic," Evangeline corrected him, giving Saber calculating glare that made the warrior uneasy.
Negi kept on talking, undeterred. "Karakuri Chachamaru-san is Evangeline-san's personal assistant and valet, and Kagurazaka Asuna is one of our strongest fighters and, um, moral lynchpins."

"That means I'm the one who keeps the grabby girls outta Negi's hair when Chisame's not around," Asuna said before reaching out to vigorously shake Artoria's hand. "How do you do, Saber-san, right? Pleased to meetcha! I hope you didn't get a wrong impression of us from Iinchou and the others!"

"Asuna-san, where are Konoka-san and Setsuna-san?" Negi asked. "I thought they'd be coming too…"

Asuna shrugged. "Setsuna-san began saying this was too dangerous and she just wouldn't let it go, so Konoka ended up relenting and letting her have her way this once. You know how Setsuna-san can get."

"An overly protective type, I assume?" Saber calmly inquired.

"A knight in shining armor protecting her Queen," the one named Evangeline chuckled while Chachamaru bowed deeply to Saber, who scowled slightly at the perceived mockery in the blonde's speech. "So, this is a Servant. I was already trapped in Mahora by the time the Fourth War destroyed Fuyuki, but I got to see a bit of the tail end of the Third War."

"What?" Shirou blinked. "From what I understand, the Third Grail War would have been—"

"It took place during the Second World War. Didn't Boya tell you I'm a Shinso, a daywalking vampire?" Evangeline asked him. "I'm more than seven hundred years old, and I got to meet pretty much everyone who was of any importance during those centuries." At that, she gave Saber a half-disdainful, half-respectful look. "I don't recognize you, however, so I reckon your pedigree must be ancient indeed."

"If you say so," Saber said non-commitally.

Evangeline hummed, looking up and down at her, and ignoring the perplexed way Shirou still was looking at her in turn. "Your face still looks sort of familiar, in any case, but I must be remembering one of your descendants. It doesn't matter. Now that we're here, we can start, despite the absence of our healer. I don't foresee any accidents, and even if they happen, Boya always can summon Konoe to his side. Now let's get this show on the road, I want to see what happens!"

---

Artoria smiled faintly to herself as she saw Negi-sensei's familiar quickly work on drawing the glowing, rune covered circle on the ground with a diligence that didn't seem to fit his small size. For some reason, everybody in the boy's party but Negi-sensei himself seemed to have nothing but hatred or contempt for him, but she couldn't help liking the little creature. She reminded her both of Merlin's animals and of Agravain, the partner nobody but her liked and yet was necessary to hold the team together.

"Well, it's ready," he proudly sat while sitting on the now completed circle. "So step in, Negi-Bro, Saber-neesama!"

"Nice try, Chamo-kun," Negi said with a saintly smile.

The ermine pouted. "Aw, c'mon! You're a much more experienced magic user than this boy is! I'm not even asking for Saber-neesama to be your Servant, but it's obvious you'd be a better Magister!"

"So you're advocating for a woman to cheat on her already established boyfriend?" Evangeline smirked. "Shame on you, vermin!"

"Sh-She isn't my girlfriend!" Shirou gasped. "W-we're just Master and Servant! I-it isn't as if I l-like her or anything!"

Saber nodded in agreement of this perfectly obvious fact. Everyone else, however, just gave him a penetrating look.

"It sounds so weird when a guy says it," Chisame muttered.

"I see," Evangeline idly looked at her fingernails. "So you haven't even kissed, is that right?"

"Right," Shirou revealed.

"And I'll bet this is even your first kiss, as well," the vampire added.

"Yup," Matoi confirmed.

"S-So what if it is?!"

Evangeline guffawed. "Oh, this is rich! Sixteen and never been kissed, in today's world! Hell, even in mine, you'd be married with two children already! Living in your old man's large house, an expert cook from what I've heard... That's it, you're growing up to be an old spinster! You'd better start picking up cats and raising them already!"

"There's nothing wrong with taking care of a lot of kittens..." Chachamaru quietly observed. "That said, there is something embarrassing about being a crazy cat man in your teens."

As Shirou fumed, Saber calmly said, "If Shirou's unwilling because of his moral qualms and the special quality his first kiss should have, then I'd gladly establish this step with Professor Negi instead..."

"What?-!" Chisame yelled.

"What...!" Shirou echoed. "N-No! I'll do it myself!" he decided, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. "This, this is something I must do!"

"Good. So do it, then," Evangeline approved, ignoring Chachamaru's subtle sigh of great relief from right behind her.
"Because I can't allow for a little boy to keep getting further corrupted..."

"Nice, then do it!" Eva urged.

"I didn't feel any worse a person than before kissing Chisame and the others, but..." Negi began, then realized saying that much had probably been a very bad idea.

---

Now Saber and Shirou stood face to face on the still hardly-epic hill of dirt, so close they could feel each other's breath on their features, but they weren't moving past that point yet. In Shirou's case, it mostly was because of a question suddenly gripping him. Were Servants supposed to breathe? They were, after all, basically ghosts who could assume physical forms, and Saber was living proof they could eat, and how, but even so… ghosts. Did they breathe while in their noncorporeal forms? Saber couldn't answer that because apparently she didn't have one for some reason, but maybe Shirou should ask Tohsaka's Servant next time they saw him.

And what about Judge? He sure didn't seem to have any lungs in that bony chest cage of his, so…

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" Evangeline, Matoi and Asuna were chanting together, holding their cellphone cameras next to each other while Chisame and Negi sweatdropped and Chachamaru, Chamo and Hakase looked mostly apathetic about the whole thing. "Kiss! Kiss!"

Saber interrupted Shirou's ruminations by placing a hand on his face and shouting at the three protesters, "P-Please be quiet! It's difficult for me to do this to one as young as Shirou! I feel like I'm taking advantage of his innocence!"

"Oh, but you were going to kiss Negi like five minutes ago," Chisame reminded her.

"The boy who's already kissed fifteen different girls by your own admission!" Saber reminded her in turn.
"Seventeen, actually," Negi reminisced. "Makie-san kissed me once during the trip to Kyoto, even though no Pactio was involved. And, of course, my sister Nekane has kissed me a few times, although—"

"That doesn't matter right now!" Saber argued. "What matters is I have just found I feel uncomfortable doing it to someone as young as him!"

"What age were you when you died anyway?" Satomi asked. "You don't look any older than fifteen… You literally look almost the same age as Emiya-sempai!"

"Mmm mmmphhh mmmnnn mmmphhh," Shirou opined between Saber's iron-like fingers. Despite the fact she wasn't wearing her metal gauntlets at the time.

Negi sighed, pulled a small bottle out of a pocket of his suit's jacket, and threw it at Saber. "Here, Saber-san, just give one of the red ones to Emiya-san. That should help."

Artoria blinked, letting Shirou go so he could breathe again at last, and mostly so she could give the bottle full of small red and blue pills a look. "What is this? Is it what you call Viagra?"

"… what's that?" Negi asked, before quickly deciding it probably wasn't important anyway. "No, no, they're Age Changing Pills, a product of mages of this era. Just have Emiya-san swallow one of them and he shouldn't look that young anymore."

"Ah! You enabler, why are you doing this!" Chamo cried.

"Why were you carrying those things around?!" Chisame asked.

"Because one always must be prepared for everything," Negi explained while Saber looked suspiciously at the pills. She took one out, sniffed carefully at it, then gave it a tentative lick and a couple of nibbles not intended to crack its surface. "We aren't going to poison Emiya-san, Saber-san…"

"One never can be careful enough in a Grail War," Saber seriously said before Shirou just sighed, took the pill from between her fingers, and quickly popped it into his mouth, swallowing it whole. "Ah! Shirou, you dumb Master!"

There was a muted poof of faint smoke briefly surrounding Emiya, and then he was still standing there but with a much more mature appearance. While he barely was any taller now, he looked more filled in without the gangly look of adolescence. His face was sharper and more ruggedly handsome, his face more serious and less punchable. While Satomi only scoffed dismissively at the change, and Chachamaru's expression betrayed no change whatsoever, a dangerous JIIIIIIIIIIII began sounding off in Matoi's head only sputter off and slowly grate to a halt, and Chisame couldn't help blushing slightly. Evangeline raised an eyebrow in interest, and Saber had pulled back with a truly surprised face.

Asuna's cellphone took repeated pictures from every angle her wrist could twist into as she said, "You know what, if Saber-san still doesn't want it, screw that, I'll take her place!"

Saber snapped back, giving Asuna a quick look back. "That is quite unbecoming behavior from a young lady, Kagurazaka-san," she chided, then turned back to the grownup Shirou just as soon. "Besides, I saw him first!"
Shirou was looking fixedly at his hands. "Why are they so long?" he wondered before having his cheeks grabbed by Saber so she could settle his face before hers. He blinked. "Saber?"

Blushing even more, she puckered her lips. "Shirou," she hoarsely, or perhaps huskily said, before leaning closer, closing her eyes, thinking of Guinevere, and giving him a deep, hard kiss on the lips.

"Okay, there was no need for a makeover if you were just going to close your eyes anyway!" Chisame said.

"I hope you're happy now," Chamo bitterly told Negi. "This is against the grand order of the universe!"

"Huh? What did I do?" the teacher protested.

---

"Something's wrong here," Evangeline suddenly observed, and indeed, in the very next moment, Negi tensed up, feeling a magical pulse coming from Saber and Shirou's kiss, one he'd never felt before. It was vaguely reminiscing of what had happened when Ayaka kissed him, but even more powerful and disconcerting.

Asuna activated her paper fan and Chachamaru prepared her weapons while Negi swiftly moved in front of Chisame and Hakase, trying to shield them with his body. "Rastel Ma Scir Magister," he whispered, activating his magic and reaching for his staff...

And then the whole lot was covered by an ethereal mirage of sorts, one showing a wonderful, paradisiacal field of flowers all around them, a perfectly clear blue sky stretching over it. Negi took a deep intake of air, obviously impressed by the prodigy he was seeing, although Evangeline only sneered at it, and Asuna cocked her head aside while frowning, seemingly puzzled over something on a level beyond what one would expect from someone in such a situation.

However, the illusion was over almost as soon as it had started, when Saber pulled back from a weakly wheezing Shirou, her eyes still closed. Without even bothering to look, she lifted an arm, grabbed the card that had just appeared spinning in midair, and silently took it to her face, only then opening her eyes to look closely at it.

"Pactio…" Chamo sighed with a bored gesture, not even managing to give a damn. "Seriously, totally against the order of the universe."

"What was that about, Master?" Negi asked Evangeline.

"You should ask that Tohsaka girl, Servants and their quirks are more of her specialty," Eva grumpily admitted. "I suppose it was some sort of manifestation of a Reality Marble, or—"

"What's a Reality Marble, and why does it have such a silly name?" Asuna asked.

"It was that thing Kuro-san used in Kyoto, remember?" Negi reminded her. "That field of swords thing."

"Oh, right. Wow, it seems so long ago, when it was only just a few day backs…"

"I hate to agree with the ermine, but yes, this was a bad idea," Chisame said.

"Someone who started all this Pactio craze just because of a petty attempt to stop me shouldn't be talking on the subject," Evangeline observed, moving towards Saber. Before Chisame could protest on the seriousness of the original situation and how there had been nothing petty about her survival attempts, the daywalker had moved past the still incoherent and gasping Shirou. "Well, Servant? Let me see your card. That, I can analyze."

Saber smiled, showing her and the curiously approaching Ala Alba members her card, which showed her in her usual blue battle gown, but wielding a large glowing sword rather than the invisible one they had seen her using so far— or not seen her using, actually. Under the image the Spirits had branded the SABER designation in big type, and under that, the Latin title Praeterium et Futurum Rex.

However, all Eva was looking at was the thumb Saber kept firmly pressed on the card's surface, between the Class name and the title. "Let me see what's written there," she asked.

"... no," Saber simply said, refusing to let them see the name Artoria Pendragon.

Eva gave her face a jaded, cold look that lasted several moments before snorting in contempt, tossing her long hair back. "As you wish. I've figured out what I needed to know anyway. That's your Noble Phantasm you're holding there."

"One of them, yes," Saber confirmed.

"Then it's as the ermine expected, odds are this won't grant you a new, specific Artifact, but rather easier access to your already existing trump cards. Regardless, with a Master as pathetic as this, I'd say you should take any sort of advantage that came your way," Evangeline lectured.

"Hey!" Shirou protested, slightly fanning himself around the collar, and still somewhat red-faced.

"Do you want to test your current capabilities now, Servant?" Evangeline asked Saber, displaying the superb skill at ignoring red-haired boys she had developed while tutoring Negi.

Saber frowned, looking in all directions, and specifically at the rather distant windows of the next neighborhood. "Perhaps this should be done in the woods," she reasoned.

"That destructive, huh?" Evangeline smirked, holding a fist to her hip. "I like the sound of that. Let's do just that, then!"

---

"So, um, can I see the card?" Shirou asked as they walked the last few currently empty streets of the campus, heading for the woods.

"I'd rather you didn't," Saber said honestly without looking back.

"Saber-san," Negi patiently explained, "if Emiya-san isn't given a copy of your card, which I can duplicate for you, he can't summon you to his side from a distance, open telepathic links with you, boost you with magic or make use of the many other advantages of the Pactio. You know the reason you made the Pactio in the first place?"

Saber frowned, held the card before her face as she walked, and snapped her fingers for Negi. "Duct tape, please."

Sighing, Negi pulled a roll of duct tape out of his pocket and threw it at Saber. Quickly, she covered only the area giving away her real name, and then spun around to hand the card back to Negi. "Do whatever you have to do," she said.

He sighed. "Honestly, I can understand being cautious, but..." Nonetheless, he relented with a shake of his head, ran his hand over the card, and quickly produced a duplicate. Before he could even get a good look at it, Saber snatched it from his hand, tucked it into the breast pocket of her Mysterious Heroine jacket, and gave the original card to her Master.

"Shirou," she seriously said, "you must promise you'll never pull that tape off. Believe me, I will know if you ever do."

"Uh,huh, sure thing, I swear it," Shirou exhaled, nodding at her. "You have my word, don't fret. But I still think you should trust me with—"

"Look out!" she said, suddenly springing forward, grabbing him, and pulling him aside, out of the way of a small projectile that had just flown towards him. Almost at the same time, Matoi and Satomi's backs were hit by identical miniature projectiles at once, making them fall unconscious on their faces with matching gasps.

"What...?!" Chisame gasped, realizing she'd only escaped being hit herself because Tsunetsuki, in the nick of time, had pushed her out of the way, taking the hit for her. "Negi?!" she added, head whipping aside, only to realize her Magister had reacted fast enough as to block the projectile meant for him with his staff. Likewise, Chachamaru had just intercepted one that had aimed for Evangeline with her right forearm, and the small blonde only hummed softly at the unexpected event. Before she could ask her gynoid, Chachamaru offered a humble answer.

"My apologies, Master. I should have detected the enemy's presence, but they must have used magecraft to shield themselves for this ambush. Should I—?"

"No," Saber tensely answered for Eva, whipping her newly minted Card up. "This is a matter to be settled between Servants and Masters exclusively. Adeat," she said, waving the card and instantly summoning her battle gown on herself, in a way identical to her usual transformation rather than the more elaborate and nudity-heavy sequence the other Ministra were stuck with. Chisame could only groan in pure unadulterated envy at that.

Asuna, in the meantime, just grumbled while rubbing the back of her stinging neck. "What the hell was that? I just felt..." she frowned, looking at the tiny thing she'd just plucked from her skin, in the exact spot where she'd felt being hit moments ago. It resembled a combination of a diminutive dart and a piece of chalk. "Huh? I don't get it..."

"Chisame, Asuna-san, please see Satomi-san and Matoi-san are okay," Negi clenched his teeth as he saw two figures dropping from a tree on the sidewalk, by now mostly wrapped in the shadows of the quickly falling evening. "Saber-san..."

She walked past him faster than he could realize, leveling her invisible sword at the taller of the two figures. "Lancer, am I right? You leave me with a worse first impression than the last Lancer I fought. Show yourself, so we can see how your appearance matches your behavior."

The man hefting the long spear over his broad shoulders chuckled at the woman with him. "It seems your charged darts need to be checked out, Master. Two of them managed to no-sell them."

"Then I'll handle them personally, just like the others," the female who was walking closer said evenly, wearing an elegant, dark two piece suit with matching gloves, tie and shoes. Her hair was short and magenta-reddish, and her face was well rounded and youthful while also giving an unmistakable aura of serious maturity. "You only have to worry about Saber, Lancer."

"Worry?" grinned the lean, yet strong-looking tall man with dark electric-blue hair, wearing a form suiting outfit that clung to each muscle, making Asuna feel oddly fluttery inside for a moment. "Who's worried? Not me," he cockily said, spinning his spear around for better effect as he measured Saber with his gaze. "You?"

"Hardly," Saber simply said, grinding a heel against the pavement for a short moment before propelling herself ahead, swinging the invisible sword, for a first attack.

"That's that Cu Cu-something guy, right? I remember him from Kuro-san's exposition lecture," Chisame said. "The guy who's good at gardening? Maybe we should introduce him to Yuuki-sempai. You know, if we SURVIVE THIS!"

---

As she charged forward to do battle, Saber had to admit the Pactio boost seemed to have worked, to some degree. She felt herself stronger, faster and more vital than she had felt during her encounter with Berserker. The problem was she still felt nowhere near as good as she had felt while fighting under Irisiviel (she still refused to acknowledge that time as her stint fighting under Kiritsugu), much less the way she had felt during her first stay in the world.

And if this Lancer was anything like Diarmuid of the Love Spot (they even looked fairly similar to each other) then she would be in for an uphill fight.

She heard Shirou calling out for her ("Saber!") and she clenched her teeth, choosing to ignore him and focus on the enemy ahead. She'd have to trust the Professor and the others to keep him safe from the rival Master (and himself, that went without saying), but she couldn't allow herself distractions during this battle.

The same cry had allowed the red-haired woman to instantly identify the Saber's Master, both from the urgency on his voice and the subtle expression of "Shut up, I'm in a fight here!" she had made as a result. The finely-suited female thus instantly directed her full attention on him, which made her mostly glad, since she really didn't want to go after the children first. With any luck they'd run away as soon as they saw the Master and Servant go down.

The red-haired woman quickly charged forward and instantly dashed at her target, running for Shirou as she allowed the power to rush through the Magic Circuits within her body. The boy hadn't readied a defense of his own yet; it was obvious he was inexpert, out of his league, unable to fight with real offensive magic. She wouldn't waste magic that would be best used helping Cu Chulainn finish off Saber on him unless he surprised her.

She leapt cleanly over the fallen bodies of Matoi and Satomi and past the gasping ponytailed girl who was reaching for a Pactio card. The red-haired woman was too fast for her to intercept, and either way, with the way her body was now pumping with magical energy, the girl wouldn't have been able to stall her for longer than a second. The boy who was her actual target gasped as he saw her coming, trying to reach for something, anything, to use to defend himself, but he was too slow and in the blink of an eye, the woman had given him a vicious left hook to the stomach, half-stunning him with a single blow.

He gasped for air as his lungs were forcefully emptied and his stomach cried like Chamo complaining of animal abuse, just as she followed through with a brutal punch to his face, sending him backwards and down onto the pavement on his back, unconscious. The unknown Master could hear the blond girl who somehow looked vaguely familiar whispering an urgent command for the green haired girl to stay quiet where she was, despite said girl's subtle, gasping reluctance, but she only took peripheral notice of that. Just another child, nothing to worry about. Thank goodness for the Japanese and their tendancy not to get involved in things happening in front of them. The Master was down now, and she had to decide what to do next. He seemed to be no threat anymore, so now she should...

Then she was caught unaware as a blur materialized by her side, roughly kicking her away from the boy, actually hurting her ribcage and forcing her to grind to a screeching halt before she could drop on the ground. She squinted through the growing darkness of the early evening at the other, shorter boy now facing her, preparing his hands in an practiced kenpo stance, and she hissed in recognition. "Ah. Springfield."

Saber was no idiot, despite what her hair and Master would have one believe, and she had amassed enough battlefield experience to be aware stupidly charging forward was suicide unless you were, well, Heracles. But there are different types of frontal charge, and hers was mostly a feint, a first test to gauge the capacities of the warrior of the spear. Which were, as expected, fairly impressive, as he easily swung and took advantage of his weapon's longer reach to intercept her Invisible Air before it could come too close.

As she had planned beforehand, Saber hopped back from the first clash before he could use it to get closer, using the inertia of her own dash to bounce back from it, landing gracefully on her feet and swinging the blade in a protective circle. The echoes of the loud boom caused by the mutual impact of their weapons faded away slowly as he asked her, rather casually, "Please tell me that's not your best. I'd hate for tonight's entertainment to be over quickly! Make this worth our time, will you?"

"Don't talk of this like a game, Lancer," she told him icily. "That's not the way I approach warfare."

"Well," he smirked, assuming an expert position that was flexible enough to serve as a fitting preparation for both attack and defense, "I haven't found many who ever made it more than a game for me. Want to join those numbers? Then prove you can do more than lecturing me."

"I have better ways to educate people than through my words," she promised, calculating her next attack angle and then jumping for it.

---

Empty air met blood-red spear as Saber and Lancer clashed, ancient marvels and epic skill meeting in battle once more. They moved at speeds few humans could even see and fewer still could match. Lancer swung the butt of his spear at Saber's wrist, Saber guarding with her invisible blade and made as if to lunge at Lancer, invisible swordpoint seemingly aimed at his throat. Lancer called the feint, reversing his spear, stepping back as he repulsed Saber even as he brought his spear point down to come at her face. She recoiled, and Lancer spun and kicked, catching her side and knocking her off balance, spear drawing back for a short, direct jab. She spun as if in midair, catching the glistening point between invisible blade and invisible crossguard, forcing it down even as she flipped over and, in a flutter of skirt, kicked Lancer in the face with a metal boot.

Saber was used to difficult fights. When she'd lived, she'd made a habit of them. When your sword assured you'd be victorious in battle (not counting the casualties), and your sheath meant you could survive any wound, winning was all a matter of going into the battlefield and being the last person standing. It was, in its way, so simple even Shirou could understand it. Life was Victory. Victory… probably meant Life. Maybe. Blood loss could be a bitch like that.

Negi spun his staff, a halberd-like shape forged in lightning wreathing it while arrows of wind shot at the red-haired Master. Some went in the more direct line between the two of them, others spread out to the side in case in case she dodged and charged. Three went up almost at right angles, shooting at the sky. It was these three that Bazett met. One punch and then another destroyed two, and a snapping elbow detonated the third, though it blew the elbow of her suit jacket to shreds, revealing the ragged white shirt beneath. She crossed her arms to block as the butt of Negi's staff stabbed at her face, causing her to flip back in midair. If the magus was surprised by the level of skill the boy wizard displayed, it didn't show on her face as she landed and jerked back to avoid the darting open palm that was aimed at her side.

Saber's current battle was complicated by the simple fact she was not fighting alone. Her Master was down, though thankfully the Professor had managed to get his attacker away before any more lasting harm was inflicted, and had positioned himself between the fallen Shirou and the enemy Master. Asuna was laboriously dragging Matoi and Satomi off to the side, proving surprisingly stronger than appearance would imply. Evangeline… was sitting on a picnic blanket Chachamaru had set up, and appeared to be waiting on the latter to serve her tea. She seemed to be completely oblivious to danger in a way beyond even Shirou.

There were too many innocent bystanders for her liking.

Despite facing the more dangerous opponent, Saber was certain Lancer was no danger to those behind her. She recognized the look in his eyes, his utter commitment to their battle, and knew that despite her skill, unless she was able to commit the same way, her divided attention would ultimately spell her defeat.

"Come on, come on," Chisame said, jabbing quickly at her cellphone in a controlled panic. "Ring, damn it, ring! Where's an actually authoritative authority figure when you need one?! Damn it, are you doing this? My phone better still be working, you magical whackadoo!"

"Whackadoo?" Asuna said as she dragged Matoi and Satomi off the path. "Really Chisame? By the way, thanks for the help, really, your harem isn't heavy at all."

"I don't have a harem!" Chisame cried.

Somewhere, many people, but Yue in particular, sneezed.

"Are they serious? That's what they're focusing on?" Lancer said as he tried to impale Saber's foot, only to have his spear parried by Saber's invisible blade and head butted him. "Ow!"

"Yes, they are," Saber said as she tried to press the advantage, trying to thrust her sword into Lancer's side, only for him to twist out of the way, sweeping his upright spear sideways to deflect her strike. There was a confused moment when both tried to hook the other's foot and pull it out from under them. They darted back, spear and sword coming up and charging at each other once more. "They're good children otherwise."

Bazett fought defensively. While killing another Master would, just barely, be squeaked past Mahora's authorities, killing one of Konoemon's underlings would get her hunted down. And she found it personally distasteful to kill a child, her well-honed stifling of her basic human empathy aside. "I have no quarrel with you child. Stand down and take the other children with you. I will allow you to leave," she said a she went for a knockout blow.

"Counter offer," Negi panted, much more winded than her but not slowing down. "Stand down and leave Emiya-san alone tonight, or I destroy your Servant."

Bazett couldn't help it. The laugh escaped from her lips despite herself. "You, destroy my Servant? You overestimate yourself, child. You can barely hold your own—"

Negi darted forward, and Bazett instinctively crossed her arms to block again. The unincanted Sagitta Magica spell slammed into her defense at point blank range, and though her defenses kept her from getting hurt, the kinetic force still sent her flying. Through the ringing in her ears, she tried to take control of her arc, tried to twist out of the way-—

"Rastel Mastel Magiscir!"

His spell casting was fast for his age, a part of Bazett's mind noted. Still,her defenses were adequate for—

"Kenotetos astrapsato de temeto!"

Alarm coursed through her at the short, quick incantation in Ancient Greek. A High Ancient spell? How did he—

"Dios Tukos!"

Bazett's shoes barely touched the ground in time for her to be slammed by lightning worthy of the name. She felt the cutting edge-like wave of electricity tear down the right side of her body like the sword of Damocles or the very axe of Zeus the spell was named for. Runes on her suit and under clothes reacted, going off like reactive armor on a tank, blunting or countering the spell but ultimately being overwhelmed, leaving a charred trail from her shoulder down to one pant leg.

When the spell passed,her left ear was muffled, and a high-pitched phantom sound rang. Her right ear had gone completely deaf. Spots danced in her eyes even though her eyelids had been closed, and her right arm and leg trembled uncontrollably.

"Last chance, magus," the boy said, barely audible through Bazett's left ear. "Call off your Servant. Leave to fight another day."

In response, Bazett focused on him completely as she flooded her body with prana, activating other runes. The trembling stopped. Her eyes cleared and some sound began to trickle back in her right ear as the hearing in her left returned to normal. She raised her fists defensively, not much more wary. "Impressive Springfield, but it will take much more than that for you to defeat me, much less harm my Servant. Still, you impress me. I give you one last chance to leave."

Negi's face went blank. Then he snapped up his staff, pointing it straight at Bazett. Bazett darted back, intending to dodge instead of block now. He was obviously intending to move to higher-grade spells!

"Saber!" Negi yelled instead of incanting. "Lancer is Cu Chulainn of Ireland!"

Bazett nearly stumbled. She stared at Negi in shock and horror.

"Well," Lancer said evenly, looking into Saber's eyes, eyes that held a disturbing new intensity. "Shit."

---

Gilgamesh of Uruk had been the first at many things, good and bad alike. He'd been the first at most things, as a matter of fact. He'd been the First Hero, the First Protagonist, the First Cute Shota, the First King, the First Tyrant, the First Benevolent Ruler, the First Slave Owner, the First Pilot, the First To Crash A Flying Machine, The First To Crash Into A Mountain the First To Walk away From A Crash, the First to Ascend to the Throne of Heroes, the First Bully, the First Chick Magnet, the First Gary Stu, the First Master of Bling, the First Ho Yay Guy, the First Man to Ever Meet a Serpent (Adam didn't count, only Eve had dealt with that one), he had the First Harem, initiated the First Orgy, made the First Hangover Remedy, and was, secretly, the First To Try Out Being A Woman, the First Man To Turn Into A Woman to Have Sex With Another Woman, amongst many other such titles.

A less known fact was the matter he'd also been the First Stalker.

JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.

That was the sound Kirei's Servant, the Judge, heard when he materialized by Gilgamesh's side, the latter proudly standing on top of a rooftop as he was prone to, overlooking the fight scene with folded arms and a shinai by his side (He had also been the First Delinguent!).

"Kirei ssssssssssent me to patrol, and what do I ssssssssssssee?" the Judge ssssssaid, his floating form swirling around Gilgamesh's shoulders and starting down at the combatantssssss. "Fffffffinally, sssssome bloodssssshed might about to occur! Good, good!" he clapped his hands made of bone. "It'ssssss about time too, I wassssss going mad with—"

"Silence, bothersome ghost!" the First Plumber roared at him, casually flicking him in the helmet without bothering to look at his hideous face (he had pioneered the First Off-Hand Backhand!). "Your insane prattle distracts me from the perfect spectacle of Saber's beauty. If you wish to spy for the priest, do so without disturbing me!"

Judge muttered something obscene about another man who had a 'Talk to the fist' policy while adjusting his Mega City One official helmet. "Your low passssionsssss don't ssssssuit a true King, human! A veritable sssssovereign wouldn't obsssesssss over ssssomeone they conssssider hisssss inffffferior! Bessssidesssss, ssssssshe'sssss too manly!"

Gilgamesh sniffed in distaste, produced a small portal, pulled a random object out of it (he is the pioneering First User Of Mundane Utility!), and jammed the extracted orange (which was a divine orange, in GOLD!) between Judge's dead eyes. "You have no right to lecture a King on the nature of kingship, dead mongrel! Know your lowly place! And Saber's not manly at all!" said the First Proponent Of Women's Rights (granted, they were Babylonian women's rights, but still! Milestone!)

"Ssssssshe's flat!"

"She is not! Her graceful figure is perfectly proportioned, without any vulgar excesses!" said the First Supporter Of Positive Self-Image For Women.

"Ssssshe's butch!"

"Shei s not! Even while striking with deadly intent, she's a flawless incarnation of femininity!" said the First Person To Allow Homosexuals To Serve In The Military.

Judge mumbled, shaking his head and looking aside.

Gilgamesh frowned at him. "What did you just say?"

"Nothing."

"No, you definitely said something. What is it?"

"Nothing, go watch your beloved'sssssss pointlesssss battle. Sssssshouldn't that be the mossssst important thing for you?"

"Don't mock me, creature," the First To Beat Up The Undead said, grabbing him by the neck and rattling, sounds of bones snapping against each other vigorously ensuing, "and tell me what you said!"

"Gaaaaaaaayyyy..." Judge dragged the word as he boggled.

"Oh," the First Man To Solve A Locked Room Murder Mystery In The Middle Of His Vacation To An Isolated Resort In Atlantis sneered, tossing him aside. "Think whatever you want. The King of Sexiness is above such trivial and narrow minded prejudice! For my appeal extends to any and all, male and female, as nobody can resist this peerless body's boundless attractiveness! Why, I bet even a genderless specter like you already has a boner from being honored by my touch!" said the First Man To Be Totally Secure In His Sexuality.

"That... That wasssssssn't funny..."

"Oh, wasn't it? I'll have you know I came up with the first joke as well! Tell me, fool, why did the chicken cross the road?"

"To... To get to the other ssssside?"

The First Comedian huffed. "Well, it was hilarious back then! It's not my fault if others later diluted it through abuse and misuse! That's why I hate copies and fakers! And Seinfeld. Oh, how I hate Seinfeld…"

"Hrrrrrrrrrrrr..." Judge groaned, just witnessing the fight below with Gilgamesh. They looked on in analytical silence at Negi fighting Bazett and Saber fighting Lancer for a relatively long while before Judge asked. "Then, issssss it true you ssssssexually harassssssed my Masssssster during the Ffffffourth War?"

Gilgamesh scoffed. "Just because I teased him on his true nature while drinking wine in ways lesser minds might consider flirtatious, and then spent a long, healthy conversation with him while in the nude, that doesn't mean I harassed him! Such things are below a King's honor!"

"What isssss 'Droit du ssssigneur'?" Judge shot back. "Bessssidessss, I happen to thhhhink sssssodomy issssss a crime that musssst be punisssshed withhhh deathhhh!"

"You think EVERYTHING is a crime that must be punished with death!" said The First Man To Order An Execution.

"Don't try to derail the converssssssation!"

Gilgamesh just casually flicked his head again, send his head, and the body it was attached to, slamming into the roof they were standing on. "Be quiet, Saber's being incredibly awesome right now..." said the First Appreciator Of Women's Achievements.

"Sssssshe'ssssss getting her butch asssss kicked...!"

This time, Gilgamesh just flicked him off the roof, from the opposite side to Saber and Negi's.

"You sssssssshouldn't even be able to do thisssss with your current body!" Judge protested on his way down.

---

Class Warfare.

Somewhere else at the same time not too far away, ironically enough. Maybe it was Fate.

Not the Averruncus or Testarossa varieties.

The Card had chosen the tennis court to manifest itself this time. Had Nodoka known anything for sure about the identity of the Hero this Card had been modelled after, she'd have quickly and correctly guessed the Card had chosen this site to appear in sight of the long standing connection between the British and tennis.

The football field would have been the Card's second choice for a haunting place, but the Card instinctively disliked the also long standing connection 'British Football' had with 'hooligans'. It was a Heroic Card, after all.

"Nodoka!" Kero urgently said, flying closer to his master's shoulder. "There's something you must know about that Card!"

"S-Saber-san?!" Nodoka gasped, Clow Staff firmly held before herself, staring through her bangs at the figure clad in solid black standing at the other end of the court. Instead of the invisible air the Servant carried, however, she held a massive black sword in her right gauntlet, and her face was mostly covered by a metallic black mask, only her pale chin exposed. Her expression, as Nodoka and Yue could guess from her lips, was even colder and more stoic than Saber-san's.

"Who?" Kotaro, who stood by Nodoka's right, grunted while sniffing the air.

"A... A new friend of ours," Yue gulped, taking a few steps back. Of all the times for the Sailor Senshi to be tracking the black scythe girl away from them... "I'm not quite sure this is her, however..."

"It couldn't be," Nodoka decided, beginning to pull a Card of her own out. "This just can't be Saber-san! I won't show her any more mercy than I did to the other Cards!"

"That's a very high bar. Shouldn't you lower it just this once?" Yue said.

"But, but this isn't one of the Cards we're supposed to be looking for!" Kero protested. "Listen to me, this has to be a—!"

"Later, sport, later!" Kotaro grinned, bashing his fists together and then dashing forward. "If you're not a real lady, then I don't have to hold back...!"

The Saber-san lookalike swung her sword without saying a single word, and a gigantic blast of wind blew Kotaro back against the seats, sending him crashing head first into them.

"Ko-Kotaro-kun!" Nodoka gasped before bristling with anger at the impassive Saberclone. "WINDY!" she bellowed, summoning a hurricane blast of her own on her...

Only to have it completely blocked, then sent back to her and Yue by the force of the Saberclone's next sword slash. Yue was left stuck between two seats, kicking her legs up and having her skirt drop back on her exposing her skimpy panties, at which point Kotaro had a quick nosebleed. Nodoka, still running on anger fumes, quickly sprang back to her feet and summoned her next card. "CREATE!"

Under the pale moon, she quickly wrote on the magical booklet to summon a gigantic scaly and winged dragon down on the mysterious Card. Said Card only allowed itself a brief, small smile before jumping up on the beast slashing and clawing at her, and with a single, massive swing of her blade, she cleanly spliced the dragon in two halves that neatly disappeared in the breeze.

Nodoka gulped. "F-Fool!" she called out, sending the madly giggling jester girl against the Saberface, flashing razor-sharp playing cards in each hand and aiming for the throat of the Black Knight...

... only for the knight woman to simply smash the sole of a boot on her face, then to grind her down against the ground, not wishing to stain her sword with that.

"..." the Saberface said.

"Nodoka, you've gotta listen to me!" Kero tugged on her blouse. "You'd better run away! You can do nothing against this Card! You shouldn't even be fighting her anyway! You see, it's...!"

"I FIGHT ON!" a raging mad Kotaro said, springing back into the fight in his wolfman form, ripping through his shirt and slashing with his claws towards the Card. She only gave him a cut on a shoulder, and when he kept coming on her, she aimed for his neck next; only a quick tug back of his head saved him from a beheading in the nick of time. He swung a kick to her chest, but her breastplate absorbed most of the impact and she only gave him a cut on a leg, forcing him to recoil back, limping slightly on a foot and hissing in mild pain. "Damn it...! You're good...!"

And yet he still smiled. What kind of idiot was this, Yue wondered. Oh, right, the Ku-like kind of idiot.

Nodoka was beginning to panic, rummaging through the rest of her Cards. Jump would only help her escape, and she could carry Yue and Kero with herself, but she couldn't leave Kotaro-kun on his own. The Card Card was pretty much useless. The Flower could provide a good escape screen, but she doubted Kotaro-kun would let himself be dragged away from a fight, even now. That only left her with...

"T-TENTACLE!" Nodoka shouted, bringing the small tentacled woman back to active life.

And the Saber paused in horror, somehow managing to look at the Tentacle through her mask with no apparent eyeholes.

Traumatic memories of her template's past experiences, carried through the timeless stream of the Throne of Heroes and King Arthur's final resting place alike, flashed into her like only a cosmic horror beyond any human understanding can.

As the Tentacle's appendages squirmed, reaching for her and enveloping, the Saber let out a traumatized high-pitched scream and struggled in vain, her grip on the black sword faltering. Nodoka and Yue gave each other bewildered looks, frankly surprised it had worked at all. Or perhaps not so much. It was an understandable reaction from almost any woman, after all.

Warily, and ignoring Kero's newest fearful warnings, Nodoka approached the trembling, animalistically wailing Saber and slammed the Clow Staff on her forehead. "Return to the humble form you deserve! Clow Card!"

The Saber stiffened, gave a short gruff grunt, refused to glitch back into a card, glitched several times in a row anyway like a computer screen flashing error messages, and finally just popped back into a small card that flew into Nodoka's hand.

She gave it a look. "Huh." It didn't look at all like the Pactio card the actual Saber had just gotten, not that Nodoka could know about that yet. It was far darker in coloring, and showed a generic, fairly ambiguous in gender slender figure in light armor, holding a fencing sword up, standing very straight and formal. It only read Saber. "Strange, it doesn't look like the others. Well, it's captured all the same," she philosophically said, shrugging, writing her name on the back of the card, and stuffing in with the others into the pages of the Clow book.

Kero sighed. "You shouldn't have done that! That's not even a Clow Card, Nodoka!"

"Ah, no? And what is it then?" grunted Kotaro as he limped closer.

"That's a Servant Class Card, part of a set designed by Master Clow's frequent drinking partner, Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg!" Kero explained.

"Can you say that thrice, fast?" the dog boy taunted.

"Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg!" Kero said to spite him, then to pause in fear, look around, and finally breathe easier. "Oh, what a relief, so he doesn't show up like Beetlejuice after all. A-Anyway, he and Master Clow had a friendly rivalry of sorts, and when Master created his Cards, I guess Zelretch-sama felt the need to prove himself his equal on the subject, I don't know. Whatever the case, those Cards have been sealed for decades, but maybe they broke loose because of the Clow Cards release and Heaven's Feel happening at once..."

"Heaven's Feel?" Kotaro asked.

"Oh, right, we haven't told you about that yet, sorry," Nodoka sheepishly told him. "N-Never mind, we'll explain everything while Konoka-san heals you. So, um, Kero-san, does this, does this mean someone else will come after these cards too...?"

---

Lord El-Melloi's eyebrow, two continents and several seas aside, twitched. "And you didn't realize that until now?"

"I've been busy," the old man sitting behind the black desk shrugged casually. "Do you have the time to check on everything you have in your attic so it doesn't escape and bring havoc upon this world?"

"Actually, Sir, I—" Lord El-Melloi began as respectfully as he could.

"Well, never mind that now," the old man quickly waved that particular issue away, placing a large wooden box on the desk's surface. "I'll be even busier from here on, so I can't handle that issue personally, and neither can you, of course. But don't worry, we'll leave it in good hands."

"Whose?" the younger man asked, dreading the answer already. It wasn't like he was in any hurry to ever return to Japan, but...

Confirming his suspicions, Zelretch said, "The recent reappearance of the Clow Cards and the premature Heaven's Feel are no coincidence, they must be part of the divine design, and surely my Cards felt it even before we did. So unless I'm grievously wrong— and let's be honest, what are the chances of that?— the Cards must have migrated to Japan, looking for the two singularities they're linked to."

"Across more than half a world of distance, Sir?"

"I built them to be tenacious and resourceful, why do you think the Ainsworths wanted them so much? They should all do fine there, except for poor Saber, really. She has no chance in the Land of Tentacles..." he almost lamented, shaking his head gravelly.

"And so," El-Melloi said, "you're charging this task to—"

"Oh, let's say Tohsaka-kun and Edelfelt-kun," Zelretch said, opening the box as to show Waver what there was inside. The younger magus paled as one of the colorful sticks held in there waved at him in a very ominous way. "This should be right up their alley, and not like either of them has much of a chance in the War proper, with the Servants they rolled! Poor girls, they deserved better..."

"Sir, with that in mind," Lord El-Melloi begged him, "please have mercy on their souls. Don't force this on them...!"

There was a beat.

"If you so wish, you can take their place and I'll write a leave of absence for you, Velvet," the old magus offered. "I hope you don't mind frilly skirts..."

Waver took the box and lifted it quickly. "The wands will be in their homes by the weekend, I promise, Sir..."

---

Rin and Luvia simultaneously had a horrible, nerve-wrecking shudder shake them to their very cores...

---

Asuna stared at the tense scene, which seemed to have reached a nervewracked standstill, for a moment, her eyes as wide open as everyone else's (well, everyone but Evangeline's, who sat quietly sipping from her tea while holding Chachamaru's sleeve with the hand not daintily lifting her cup to her lips). And then she finally spoke, breaking through the chilling nocturnal silence.

"... who's Cu Chulainn, and how does that help us at all?"

"Not much, I'm afraid," Chulainn clenched a wolfish grin as he pressed his attack on Saber, going for broke now, and accelerating to such a degree Saber was having more problems keeping up with him now. Concentrating and focusing her mind, she returned his attentions in kin, making use of her Pactio boost to add to her own speed and agility, and beginning to push back, even if she still was playing on the defensive. "If you were hoping to exploit my weaknesses, sorry to disappoint you! Hoping to break my geasses? Yeah, good luck with that!"

"Geese? Ew, no, we're not into cruelty to non-ermine animals!" Asuna protested, already changed into her Pactio mode and standing back to back with an indecisive Chisame, both of them studying which fight to join first. Chisame gritted her teeth while holding her scepter, her only useful attack tool; she wanted to help Negi, but he and the woman were moving far too quickly for her to risk making a move on her without probably hitting him with an electricity bolt instead. Asuna was in more of a mind to assist Saber-san instead, but having no idea whatsoever what was so dangerous about that Cu-Whatever Guy, beyond the obvious, held her back for now, fearful she only could prove being an obstacle for the blonde. And speaking of blondes... "Evaaa! Don't just sit there, lend a hand, will you!"

"Who, me, a perfectly harmless and powerless little girl thanks to some stupid mage's curse?" Evangeline said piously, placing a hand on her chest. Since that hand had been the one gripping on her gynoid's sleeve, she quickly had to grab her again. "Don't even think about it, Chachamaru," she warned, pulling her back. "It's about time Boya starts fighting on his own. You must stop coddling him if he's ever to become a man."

"He's still TEN!" Chisame angrily cried over the relentless sounds of battle from both directions.

Said ten-year old had fallen back into a brutal short distance exchange of blows with Bazett, who had to strain herself to keep up with his renewed, fast furious frantic fighting frenzy. He used a curious combination of kenpo moves with something that was literally alien to Bazett, and thus unreadable to her. His time sparring with Lala and learning from her mostly whimsical and self-developed primal fighting style had paid off nearly as much as his lessons from Ku Fei.

While Lala was hardly a trained martial artist, there was still something to learn from anyone with any sort of working fighting style. From her, he had learned to move in a way that disoriented an opponent expecting for some type of traditional fighting style or another. Actually, there was a method in her chaos, and so now in Negi's as well, but it was one his current opponent wouldn't be able to figure out anytime soon with no previous exposure whatsoever to Lala. The fact he had combined that with Ku Fei's kenpo, swiftly alternating between both, back and forth, to further throw Bazett off balance, only made the battle more uphill for her.

She thought of using Fragarach, but she was doubtful of its usefulness as long as Nagi Springfield's son wasn't using his strongest trump card. Which he seemed reluctant to do, whatever it was. His earlier use of magic to try and overpower her had given pass to a much more direct and physical approach; he could see she was still hurting, an arm working nowhere as well as before, and perhaps he really didn't want to hurt her any more than he absolutely had to. Or perhaps he didn't wish to endanger his comrades with any deflected spell going their way. Going with what she had heard about the boy, the most likely answer was a combination of both factors. Soft-hearted wizards. Did they not know that to learn the ways of magic was to walk with death?

"You're brave, and you bring honor to your name. Congratulations," she said, managing to grab his scalp and roughly bash his face down against the pavement, so hard little fragments of shattered cement flew in all directions. She ignored the scream of his name from one of the girls behind her and swiftly ducked under the bolt of electricity flying straight for her head. "However, you're meddling in—"

"Please don't tell me this doesn't concern me," he said again, smiling weakly while rising from the ground, face bleeding but resolve or strength no lesser than before. "And thanks, Chisame," he said, taking advantage of how Bazett's ducking had brought her closer to his current position; close enough to give him a perfect target, and he mashed both fists against her jaw, dropping her on her back. She groaned while trying to sit back up, as fast as she could, next to the slowly recovering but still fully groggy out of his mind Shirou, supported only on his elbows and stomach.

But by now the other boy already was standing on top of her, pointing down at her with his staff, his eyes eerily fixed and intense for one so young. "You're beaten," he inflexibly told her. "Now call off your Servant. Please."

She squinted and said, just as coldly, "Lancer. Finish her!"

"I see," Lancer said grimly, taking a quick step back from Saber, and readying his spear, power from long gone ages flowing into it for the final blow. He had always hated and avoided hurting women in the battlefield, going as far as to spare the woman who had brought nothing but ruin to himself and his country. And now, his actions could probably spell doom for not one but two women at once.

But he still trusted his Master's ability to get out of her side of the bind on her own, and mostly, just like Saber herself, he understood it was folly to think of the blonde before him as anything but another warrior, a living weapon... and then, living only according some definitions of the word by human standards.

Just like himself.

It makes no sense to fear for an identity reveal when your cover's already blown either. Better to go for all already. The next battle awaited as eagerly as he awaited for it.

"Gae..."

Asuna, in the split second after that word was growled, tensed as if feeling something she couldn't quite explain.

Saber frowned and stood still at the middle of the street, looking directly at the Lancer's face. As if daring him in silence.

Asuna ran forward, lifting her massive sword. Feeling not like herself, in a way. Feeling like she was living a vaguely familiar dream, of battlefields and dramatic fantasy warfare, like in an epic movie.

Her sword's edge glinted with the moonlight, a perfect silver sparkle that accompanied Lancer's deep intonation, his voice booming across the whole street...

"BOLG!"

Chisame had the irrational desire to shout, "It's pronounced 'blog', you relic!" as she stared in horror.

And the power was unleashed, and the air seemed to hum to deafening degrees, as the spear darted forward, with unerring accuracy, towards its intended goal.

---

It's always difficult to explain what happens when two impossibilities or absolutes clash, though through the ages learned philosophers, magi, wizards, and drunk guys at the bar have tried.. Since it's something never meant to happen, the means to describe it are usually unavailable to us (unless you happen to be drunk at a bar, in which case it's kept under the table next to the singing frog mushrooms). However, it would be cheating not to give some sort of impression of what happened when Gae Bolg struck, so we will try our best, despite not being so drunk off our asses we're looking into the Dark Dimension.

For Lancer, it felt like a blow that hit through him by through his favored weapon, sending painful ripples that shook him. He was no stranger to pain and it didn't make his resolve and stance falter at all, but he still had to clench his teeth at the unexpected sensation, that of a miracle cancelling his, nullifying it outright. It reminded him of the first time he'd gotten REALLY drunk and woken up to find out he'd one a war that hadn't even started when he'd been drinking.

For Asuna, it was even more painful, as she felt like her arms were catching fire up to her shoulders with her last second block. Tears quickly came to her eyes, even before her swing was complete. Her vision was suddenly assaulted by a brief but disconcerting cacophony of bizarre, striking colors, and for a split second, she almost could swear she heard her own scream distantly coming from somewhere else. She felt Gae Bolg literally pushing against her blade, the spear itself reluctant to believe what was happening, until pure stubborness made the schoolgirl finish batting it aside, and then it was done.

For Saber, literally standing right before the clash, mere millimeters from her chest (which would have made for an interesting case had her Roman counterpart of sorts been present there instead), it was a sensation of intense shockwaves of a kind she'd never felt before rippling through reality without going through the paltry medium of the air, miniature paradoxes born from the encounter of two forces never meant to interact. She stood her ground, and never averted her gaze from what was happening, but even after it was over, she couldn't make full sense of what had just transpired. It reminded her of those times when she'd had to go drinking to forget about something or other Merlin had caused.

For Chachamaru, it was a short, fast series of video errors blipping in her eyes, as her optic sensors failed to process what she was seeing. Momentarily blinded, her instincts made her shield Evangeline with her body, the vampire lifting an eyebrow as she looked, perhaps the only one in the scene with any sober idea of what there was going on.

For Chisame, it was just a sharp flash that hurt her eyes and forced her to block them with a forearm.

For Shirou… well, he still couldn't see clearly at all, and mostly he was now doubled up on himself on wobbly legs, trying his best to keep his dinner in his stomach, but had he been looking straight into the source of the anomaly, his reaction would have been the same as Chisame's.

For Negi and Bazett, it was pure awe mixed with no small amount of uncertainty and disconcertion. And, in Bazett's case, a desire for a strong drink.

When it was over at last, only a fraction of a moment afterwards, Lancer stood back with his spear in hand, giving Asuna puzzled, careful stare full of shock and wonder. "What… what are you?" he demanded of the girl who'd just run into his strike, something that should have been impossible in the first place, to block his Noble Phantasm with her gargantuan sword, something that should have been even more laughably impossible, even for another Servant. Saber slowly blinked and also looked at Asuna, silently sharing Lancer's question.

After a moment when Asuna fleetingly looked mesmerized and then unsure of where she was, she shook herself back to shape. "H-Hey!" she protested, shaking while moving into a better position between Saber and Lancer. "What's with that 'what', mister?! Just because you are good looking, that doesn't give you the right to speak like that to a lady! But then, you just tried to kill us, didn't you?!"

"Asuna-san," Negi tensely asked. "Please stand back."

Asuna grunted out the corner of her mouth. "Yeah, and who's going to stand between these two blockheads before they kill each other then, huh? You? You'd end up shish-kabob before you could blink, Teach."

The red-haired adult pondered her alternatives in silence, face strained in frustration, before sternly commanding, "Lancer, we're retreating."

"What?" her Servant asked. "Just because of this? Come on, I'll have it solved in no time…"

"I must object as well," Saber intervened, gripping her sword even tighter. "A battle between Servants must end only when one is dead. Experience has taught me doing otherwise always turns badly for everyone involved."

"Agreed!" Lancer said. "Come on Master, let us fight to the death here!"

"This has gone past the boundaries of a normal battle between Masters and Servants," the woman in the suit said, looking at the first few windows turning the lights on along the nearby blocks, "and we won't get anything done before we're found out. We'll have to settle this somewhere else later."

Lancer groaned, slowly shifting his neck from one side to the other, spear balanced along his wide shoulders. "What a pain. If there's anything I hate, that's loose ends."

Saber nodded. "They are always something to look out for, indeed." Then she addressed Asuna. "Your assistance was not needed… but I am thankful regardless. Next time, however, don't risk your life for mine, as yours is actually intended to last past this month or so."

"Oh, yeah?" Asuna asked. "What were you going to do, stand there and let that thing pierce you, only to then prove you could tank it, no problems whatsoever?"

Saber made a small smirk at that.

Asuna blinked. "Hngh. You dead people are all weird."

As Lancer quietly moved next to the woman, Negi stepped into her path before she could leave. "Please, before you go, listen to me for a minute. Or, well, two maybe. We must discuss some complicated, life-and-death matters!"

"I have no idea about the whereabouts of the Thousand Master," the woman told him evenly. "You have my word I'd gladly tell you if I did, but—"

"What… No, no, I didn't mean that! You're mistaken!" Negi shook his head.

Evangeline smiled mockingly. "Out of all the things I never expected to hear from Boya…"

"It makes you feel like nothing's guaranteed anymore, huh?" Chisame asked, awkwardly rubbing herself on an arm.

Saber advanced towards the rival Master. "I still say this isn't over yet. Professor, while I understand your reasons, we have no concrete evidence yet as to—!"

"Saber," Shirou coughed as he stood back up, rubbing his mouth with the back of his fist, "listen to him, will you? All these past Wars, they always came to a tragic end because people wouldn't stop fighting. Maybe it's the very concept of the war itself what's wrong. Why don't we try something different just this once?"

"Shirou, you don't even really know the first thing about wars just yet!" an exasperated Saber told him.

Lancer looked at his Master. "How hard did you hit this lad anyway?"

"More than intended, apparently," the woman said, giving Shirou a frowning glance.

"Oh, don't worry, he's always like that," Chisame assured them. "You didn't cause any brain damage."

"Listen," Negi sighed. "We have no reason to fight you. None of us really care about obtaining the Grail." While Saber visibly frowned at that, Negi continued, unaware of her reaction, "Emiya-san only summoned Saber-san by accident, and we're helping him to cope with that."

"Then," the woman reasoned, "perhaps he should just relinquish his role as a Master altogether. I have no personal reason to fight myself, but that doesn't mean I'll abandon the war or fight it half-heartedly, like he seems to."

"Hey!" Shirou protested.

The woman looked accusingly at him. "Basically, you're even allowing a child to be your mouthpiece. How can I respect a Master who acts like that?"

"Buuuuurned!" Evangeline laughed. Shirou stared daggers at her, then at the enemy Master.

"I fight on because I don't wish for the Grail to fall into the wrong hands!" he told her.

"So do I," the woman confirmed, "but that's probably the best reason to stand strong and without hesitation, forging ahead no matter the price. Why do you seem to fancy yourself a protector when you won't fight to prove your point?"

"Um, because he's a pacifist?" Asuna wondered aloud. "I mean, that's very obvious even to me, and I'm a certified Baka."

"Your grades have improved a 20% over the last two months," Negi reminded her.

"Really?" Asuna said, surprised. "But I barely pass!"

"As opposed to when you never passed at all?" Negi pointed out.

"Still a Baka, though," Chisame added while Evangeline nodded.

"Yeah, what she said!" a completely unoffended Asuna agreed.

Negi inhaled very deep and patiently. "Listen, Miss—"

"Bazett Fraga McRemitz," she told him.

"Pleased to meet you, Miss Mc Remitz," Negi briefly bowed. "What we want to tell you is, this war might be pointless for all those involved, since there's no way it'll end well for anyone, regardless of their intentions. We have reasons to believe the Grail itself is—"

"Wait. Is that a real name, or did her parents just threw random words together when she was born?" Asuna whispered to Eva.

"Asuna-san! Don't be a namist!" Shirou chided, looking scandalized at her impropriety of it.

The Shinso sneered. "What could a commoner like you know about the names of the high and mighty?" said the girl called Kitty.

"—corrupted, in such a way that it will twist and curse every wish made upon it to murder and harm as many innocents as it possibly can," Negi kept on saying stoically. He was used to this sort of thing. "That might be the real reason behind the incident that destroyed Fuyuki City."

Bazett paused. And then she asked him, "And you know this because…?"

"Our alternate counterparts from a parallel universe fell into this world and, being older and wiser, warned us about it," Negi said with a flawlessly straight face. "There were pictures and slides and everything. How do you think we knew about Lancer-san, and that he's good at gardening?"

Lancer recoiled. "H-How do you know about that!"

"…" Bazett said.

"The top-secret incident at Kyoto everyone knows about?" Negi asked. "That's directly related to that, you see."

Bazett sighed and rubbed her temples with her fingers. "This must be why my father warned me to never cross paths with a Springfield."

"It wasn't because he was concerned for your chastity?" Chisame said.

---

"—and that's the basics of it all, really," Yue finished while sitting on the edge of Konoka's bunk, then happily taking another sip from her carton of Fermented Soy Juice. "Is your curiosity satisfied now, Kotaro-kun?"

"I don't believe it," Kotaro said faintly.

"It's all true, Kotaro-kun," Konoka said while kneeling on the carpet behind the shirtless boy, finishing healing his shoulder. "Not only did we heard it all from someone wielding a Reality Marble herself, but that girl we met around Lake Biwa, the really cute chibi magical cosplayer? She was a Servant herself, of the Temptress class…"

"No, I don't mean that, I believe your story, I've seen 'em weirder," Kotaro made clear. "I worked with Deadpool, after all. It's just, dammit, I can't believe you guys would keep this from me! I've been brought to a school where history's greatest warriors are duking it out, and I'm missing out on it? That's so awesome! I want a piece of that, too!"

Konoka and Asuna's bedroom was filled with a pregnant silence that gave birth to a bunch of little silences, each silence more astounded by the expressed suicidal stupidity than the last, while all four girls and living plush toy present grew large sweatdrops. Then Setsuna said, "Inugami-kun, weren't you paying attention? There's nothing 'cool' or 'awesome' about this massacre in the making. One must fight only to protect lives, private property, and Ojou-sama, never for the thrill of it."

"You sure seem very entertained while training Asuna in swordplay, though," Konoka teased her.

"Th-That's different, it's just from my pride on seeing how fast she develops!" Setsuna argued. "Regardless, Inugami-kun, dabbling in forbidden acts like reviving the dead and using them as puppets in a war for a cursed cup is something so idiotically suicidal even Itoshiki-sensei balked at it, and the man actively wants to die most of the time!"

Kotaro, oblivious to her, sat with his head low, rubbing his chin and muttering, "One of Dad's old shirts should work for the catalyst… and even if I can't do the summon, Mom's a miko, I'm sure she'll do it… A Saber, definitely, yeah…"

"Kotaro-kun!" Nodoka protested. "Aren't you listening?"

"What?!" the boy said. "It's easy for you guys to act that way, your parents are all alive!"

"My mother isn't," Setsuna told him. "Neither is Ayase-san's beloved grandfather. And Miyazaki-san might as well wish for her parents to be dead instead."

"I, I, I don't!" Nodoka said.

"Yet you won't see us daring to cross lines that should remain uncrossed," Setsuna kept on telling Kotaro. "If you've suffered a loss, do what we did, and get over it without looking back or putting on a silly costume to wreak vigilante vengeance on the unspecified evils of the world! That is the measure of true strength!"

Kotaro squinted critically at her. "If you were to lose Ojou-neesan here, you'd enter the War for her, wouldn't you?"

"Without any hesitation," Setsuna quickly replied.

"Ah-hah!" a vindicated Kotaro pointed at her.

"But I'd have lost all of my strength without Ojou-sama!" Setsuna added. "While you claim to still be strong, so I'd expect for you to not resort to such desperate measures!"

"Kuro-san said the Grail couldn't revive the dead, at most simply create shallow wraith-like creatures based on them," Yue pointed out while reaching for a fresh carton. "At most, it could give spirit-beings a permanent corporeal form, but that apparently has its own problems."

"Actually, I was thinking of summoning Ojou-sama as a Caster-sama instead," Setsuna said.

"Set-chan!" Konoka chided. "You'll call me Caster-chan instead!"

"She isn't even dead yet, why do you keep exploring that morbid scenario?!" Kero yelled.

"Besides," Konoka said, "I'm not a legend, how could I ever ascend to that Throne of Heroes thing?"

"I'm sure Caster-sama, I mean Ojou-sama, I mean Caster-chan, I mean Kono-chan, will become an unmatched golden legend someday," Setsuna smiled.

"Awwww, Setchan, that's so sweet of you…! Hubby!" Konoka cooed.

Kotaro blinked. "Hubby?"

"They married each other in Ohtori, sort of," Yue explained.

"We, we didn't!" Setsuna cried.

Kotaro grunted. "Ohtori. Figures. I thought you were acting fruitier than usual. Well, at the very least I want to fight a few of those Servants myself." He grinned, crackling his knuckles. "What kind of idiot would miss the chance to fight the Hitokiri Battousai, or Miyamoto Musashi, or Oda Nobunaga the Demon King?"

Yue quietly rolled her eyes. "Please, a copy of a Servant beat you all black and blue, do you really think you'd fare any better against a real Servant? There's a reason why those people became legendary figures in the first place. None of us could compare to them. You'd need to be, I don't know, Superman-sama to stand a chance."

"Yeah, well, about that," Konoka said, "now that Nodoka-chan's got the Saber card, she can use a Saber spirit to fight, like with all the other cards, right? That'd be an incredible boon for her. Capture enough of those and maybe you could even fight a real Servant, Nodoka-chan!"

"Don't say that nonsense, Clow Card Captors aren't intended to catch Class Cards!" Kero panicked. "Those are totally different things!"

"Finders keepers!" Konoka pouted, wagging a finger at him. "If Nodoka-chan found, fought and subdued that card, Clow's or not, she's entitled to keep it! If someone walks into town looking for it, I wouldn't give it up! Where were they while the Card wrecked havoc, hmmmm?"

"Ojou-neesan's right," Kotaro nodded, "I'd say you earned the right to keep that thing, Pink Panties-neechan."

"W-Will you stop calling me that? It's so embarrassing!" Nodoka blushed.

"Why don't you try using it, Nodoka-chan?" Konoka suggested.

"What? No!" Kero cried. "There's no telling what could happen!"

"Well, if the card starts acting up again, Neechan'll just sic her tentacle thing on it and that'll be it, right?" Kotaro scoffed. "Besides, I want a rematch!" He punched his fists together. "I'm ready this time, let's take it outside!"

"I won't be having any of my cards fight anyone for sport, Kotaro-kun," Nodoka scolded him before pulling the Card out of the book. "But, if someone comes looking for it, I guess I should learn first if I'd be a good Master for it or not." With a level of Hot Bloodedness she'd never have displayed before embarking into a typical anime quest and falling for not one but two Shounen heroes with their own different levels of stupidity (even if only emotional in Negi's case), she waved the card and said, while Setsuna eagerly shielded Konoka with her body and Kero shrieked, "SABER!"

The air around her and the card seemed to… blink and glitch, there was no better verb for it, briefly distorting as a type of magic was employed in a way that didn't exactly match with the way it had been intended to follow. After this initial moment of sputter that made Yue seriously worried about Nodoka's safety and Kero to downright faint, however, the system seemed to reach a compromise of sorts and, instead of manifesting the spirit of the Saber card, wrapped Nodoka in a nudity-showing, clothes-ripping-and-replacing transformation sequence that made her yelp in surprise and Setsuna to quickly cover Kotaro's eyes with her hands. It didn't last any longer than the standard actual Pactio transformation for this universe, or those of the Sailor Senshi, and by the next very moment, Nodoka stood there wearing an exact copy of Saber's blue battle gown, boots and gauntlets… except for the fact the sword in her hand was made of wood.

It was no boken or shinai, it was a literal wooden sword of a Western style, like those very small children would use to play pretend.

Where those little children actually bought those things is another matter. Have you ever seen them being sold anywhere? Thought so.

"…" Nodoka said.

Konoka stared in stupefied shock, blinked, and a moment later began laughing hysterically, slapping her knee.

Yue sighed. "Well. I suppose that's what happens when you use magic in a way that wasn't intended to be. Kero-san was right, this wasn't such a good idea. At least nothing actually dangerous happened…"

Nodoka stared at her wooden sword, gave it a stiff, disbelieving small swing in front of her…

… and immediately destroyed the bedroom's TV set with a massive blast coming out of the ridiculous looking toy.

"GAH!" Setsuna gasped, after instinctively tossing Konoka on the carpet and covering her with her body.

It was Yue's turn to utter a mortified "…"

Kero's fallen body just twitched.

Kotaro chewed on his lower lip, clearly thrilled.

"Um… I'm sorry about that!" Nodoka gasped, blushing even more now. "I, I'll pay for the TV, I'm sure my parents will understand, they won't be too mad, and, and, and, and…!"

"Oh, don't worry about that, I'll just ask Grandpa for another, I've been wanting a big flatscreen anyway" Konoka said from where she enjoyed the close contact with Setsuna's body all so very much. "You're still telling Asuna-chan, though."

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Next: Tohsaka Sakura.