Today, in Sakura: Episode 258.

After balancing her intense, conflicting, probably Happiness Worm-induced desires for her sister Rin, long-admired Sempai Emiya Shirou, and newly arrived, all-too-cute-for-words foreign teacher Negi Springfield, with help and counseling from her Alter Egos, our heroine Sakura has reached inner peace by pursuing a dream of eventually having Rin, Shirou and Negi as her personal harem. However! A mysterious blonde with a dark past has just arrived from the West, joining Shirou's side!

Will this person be friend or foe? Fight on, Sakura! For the sake of your dreams and happiness!

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own Mahou Sensei Negima!

Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon created and own Fate/Stay Night.

We make no money from the creation of this fanfiction piece.

Fate: Unequally Blade Works.

Chapter Three: Tohsaka Sakura.

By OverMaster and Shadow Crystal Mage.

"What I've never understood about the British is your brand of humor," Fujimura Taiga confessed over Shirou's breakfast table. "For instance, Monty Python. I get it's supposed to be bizarre, but what's so funny about having an ugly, hairy guy dressed like a woman, to name an example? That's not comedy, that's just plain old theater, and it can be as dramatic as anything else."

"It's a play on people's expectations," Saber calmly explained while reaching for her third bowl of the meal. She was just getting started. "The humor comes from the blow to our preconceived ideas of how someone in a certain role should look like. We tend to think of men as authority figures imbued with gravitas and high responsibility, while women we tend to associate with levity and grace. By reversing those roles and showing us that, indeed, a woman can take on traits most would consider 'manly' and men may act in ways we perceive as 'feminine', we are forced to accept that and laugh at how absurd our rigidly set ways of thinking were."

"Right, that makes sense," Taiga nodded while Shirou just tried to process what he'd just heard. "But, won't it lose all punch when it's done so often? It's like those games where they try and reimagine famous figures like cute girls. At first it's cute, but eventually you get to Bishoujo Magical Girl Hitler-chan and by then it's all creepy and pathetic instead…"

Taiga paused. "Not that I've ever played those games myself, but I have to confiscate them from Katsuragi Keima all the freaking time."

"Right…" Shirou slowly said.

Saber put her fourth bowl away and prepared for the next round of her surprisingly deep and analytical conversation on transcultural conventions with Fujimura-sensei. "Every instrument of storytelling eventually reaches a point where it's abused and fetishized, yes. Once, a member of the cast having an identical twin was a shocking twist. Nowadays, it's regarded as hackneyed and unoriginal. When it was first made, the discovery that the antagonist was secretly the heroes father was a genuine shock, but today it is more often than not a parodied punchline. However, the beauty of Python is they knew when to stop before becoming caricatures of themselves, and that's what has kept their body of work timeless. That, and you can tell they didn't half-ass their routines, they actually put real effort and dedication in the planning behind the jokes. The humor may come off as childish and juvenile, but is actually rather deep and telling of the absurdist nature of many of our everyday struggles, as—"

"Good morning," Tohsaka Sakura said as she appeared on the doorstep, taking her shoes off.

"Ah, Sakura-chan!" Shirou smiled, glad to have a respite from a conversation he obviously was having problems even understanding, much less following at all. "Good morning!"

"Oh, Tohsaka's sister," Saber nodded at her while chomping her way through the sixth bowl. "Good morning."

"Oh, you knew each other!" Taiga said, quickly looking back and forth between the impassive Servant and the clearly none-too-happy new arrival. "I didn't know that!"

"Well, yes," Sakura admitted as she sat down at her usual spot, right across from Shirou's, subtly glaring at the obliviously devouring blonde sitting by his side. "We met just once, and briefly, but I know all there is to know about Saber-san, that she is a relative of Kiritsugu-san's late wife, from her family in Europe…" she mechanically, stiffly went over the bullshit cover story Rin had told her to recite to every mundane who asked about Saber.

The short haired woman, of course, missed on the complete bullshitiness of said story (she was a Mahora teacher after all, they chose the mundane teachers for susceptibility to bullshit cover stories), but quickly caught on to Sakura's subtle resentment over the attractive young woman who had moved in with Shirou. She made a very kittenish smile and said, "We were talking about British humor, you know. Their culture is hard to get used to, but interesting all the same. I wonder why Kiritsugu doesn't talk more about his in-laws…"

"There was some friction between my house and him," Saber admitted, in a way that managed to be completely honest and yet not indicative at all of what Taiga had just actually asked about.

"D-Dad didn't like being reminded of the pain over losing his wife, that's all," Shirou said while serving Sakura her breakfast, then pulling Saber's empty seventh bowl away. "Sorry about this, Sakura-chan, I forgot it was your turn to cook today, and, um… Saber-san, are you up for another—"

Saber held a hand up magnanimously. "I will have a light breakfast today, Shirou. Only two desserts, please."

"Right. Coming up," Shirou said before darting for the kitchen.

"I know what you're asking yourself right now, Sakura-chan," the teacher teased Sakura then. "You're wondering why I'm allowing for this, for Shirou, my protégé and ward, to live under the same roof as this appealing young woman with no chaperone. Well, apart from the fact I know Shirou would be way too spineless…"

"I heard that!" Shirou angrily protested from the kitchen.

"I know Saber here is more than capable of protecting herself against anything!" Taiga laughed, reaching over to vigorously pat the Servant's back.

"She was protesting and threatening to have me kicked out until I defeated her in a duel of honor in Shirou's dojo," Saber quietly informed Sakura.

Taiga made a sour face. "You're reasonably skilled for your age. No wonder your parents named you after a sword, they must have been real fighting maniacs…"

"My father was one of the greatest swordsmen of his time," Saber confirmed, again completely honest.

As Shirou returned with dessert for everyone, double rations in his Ministra and Servant's case, Taiga said, "Anyway, while I don't think Saber's paperwork is done yet, Shirou assures me she's going to be studying under Negi-kun starting today. That's neat, huh? They've must been missing to have some company from the Isles, so it works fine for both…"

"Wh-What?!" Sakura blinked, the chopsticks in her hand almost dropping from her fingers. She stared widely at the indifferent looking woman who had just moved in with her admired and desired sempai, had shown an expressed interest to strike a Master-Servant relationship with her incestous sister-lover, and was now going to spend most of the daytime with her shota crush, and just only sit there helplessly, wondering what would come next.

Then she saw the upper tip of the colorful card sticking out the breast pocket of Saber's school uniform blouse. And Sakura screamed.

"Ah! Are you okay Sakura?" Shirou asked, while Saber looked on in polite concern. Taiga's smile just grew more catty.

"N-nothing, sempai…" Sakura said. "I, uh, just remembered I left my bedside lamp on before I left the house…"

On general principle, whether from virtue or arrogance, most Servants disliked lying. An unkind person would say this is because most of them are idiot heroes and thus too stupid to keep lies straight, but we are very kind people here, and so will not do so. And Artoria Pendragon was the most shining example of said behavior.

Misdirection, double meanings, and outright refusal to speak weren't out of the question within reasonable limits, but direct lies were something she despised, and she had resolved they never would touch her mouth. That being said, simply writing a given name on a chalkboard, then turning around and bowing for an audience was not something that counted as 'lying' in her mind.

She'd once been a politician, after all. She was good at the not-lies kind of bullshit.

It wasn't like she was saying her name was 'Saber von Einzbern', that was just something she had written in front of everybody, acting on an idea their very teacher had, and if they chose to interpret it as Saber herself saying that was her actual name, in Saber's opinion, that was their own fault. And naturally, if they and the rest of the school started addressing her by that name later on, far be it for her to be rude enough to correct their innocent mistake in a way that could pull them into something really dangerous.

Saber was the very woman who had once bluntly told her eager, loving son 'You aren't fit to rule' without deigning to explain why. It is worth remembering that at this point in our narrative. Explanations, even helpful ones, weren't her forte, that's what we're saying. An unkind person would say she also had a touch of idiot hero in her, but we're very kind people, and so will not do so.

She was, after all, a woman of few words unless otherwise needed, so anyone would excuse her for not elaborating on what she'd just written. And, to further justify herself within her own mind, she had loved Irisviel, and Irisviel had told her she thought of her as family, so…

Negi smiled weakly as he clapped, saying a more-or-less spirited "Ah, ha, ha, well, yes, let's give Einzbern-san a hearty welcome, everyone…" He was sure he was bound to get Illya even madder after this, but they had to keep the excuse they had given Fujimura-sensei and through her most of the staff, and giving Saber another, made up family name would have just raised far too many unwanted questions. "Um, you may take the empty seat next to Evangeline's in the back row, Saber-san…"

Evangeline groaned while Saber politely nodded at Negi and headed for her desk, drawing… actually, far less looks than she would have at the term's start. Negi fully realized then exactly how much of his class he'd pulled into his personal affairs, and that chilled him. He had to actually fight of the overwhelming urge to declare, "I'm in despair! My failing to keep my secret activities secret from my innocent students has left me in despair!"

Out of everybody in the classroom, only Natsumi and the Narutaki twins were reacting with outright awe and wonder at the new foreign student. Most of the others simply shared looks of quiet resignation and jaded blandness.

Chizuru, Zazie and Satsuki weren't reacting with any more surprise than they'd ever show at any other given event, but then again, that made sense considering their personalities. Asakura's eyes were glinting in anticipation and curiosity, obviously also remembering the little expository dinner in Kyoto, and he knew he'd have to deal with a lot of questions from her after classes, but again, that was completely to be expected and thus almost boring by now.

If anything, the reaction that surprised Negi the most was Chao's. It wasn't that she was freaking out or panicking, but he could swear her face was slightly paler, her posture somewhat more rigid, and her eyes kind of wider as Saber passed by her side.

It was kind of sad, he decided while looking at Saber taking her seat in silence, Evangeline knocking her own face on her desk in slow-mo. This time, nobody was swarming the newcomer from the Isles with all sorts of enthusiastic questions. Natsumi and the twins seemed aware of this as well, from the looks of the bewildered, perplexed stares they were giving to the rest of the class, as if not understanding at all why they weren't mobbing the new girl yet.

Negi sighed while opening his copy of the Neo Horizon. It was ironically strange how, now that magic was so widespread among them... the magic was gone, in a way.

"Very well," he said, "I'm glad you all have reacted to the news in such a mature, responsible way. Are you sure you don't want to start a fight, Iinchou, Asuna-san?"

"Why should I bother?" Asuna grumbled, her chin resting on a fist.

"I won't start any fights with endangered species unless absolutely necessary, Sensei," Ayaka primly said.

Negi waited for the other shoe to drop on Asuna, but she apparently had no idea how truly endangered all species of apes were. Oh well. "Right. I'm so proud of you two, then." As Ayaka swooned at the praise and Asuna simply sneered, he pleasantly said, "Now please open your books on page seventy five, and don't worry about Saber-san being unable to follow, English is her first language..."

Saber tensed in alarm. She hadn't told him that! How much had he figured out, already?

Once again, she found herself wishing she could have gone with Shirou as she had insisted at first on doing. She knew from past experiences she could crossdress in a remarkably convincing way, and she was sure she could fool the boys and teachers at the masculine side of the academy easily.

Shirou had almost been convinced of her arguments on the subject too, until Evangeline had pointed out that if the need for Asuna's magic cancel rose again Saber would be better off staying near her at all times. If Shirou was ever endangered, he could summon Saber to his side with their Pactio, and Saber could take Asuna along by simply clutching her while teleporting. She still wasn't sure about risking Asuna's life like that, and Shirou and Negi had been even less keen on it, but Evangeline and Asuna herself had imposed themselves on the subject quickly enough.

Remarkably and decisively imperative, those two. Even Asuna had, when she wanted to, an almost regal pose and attitude.

Out of everyone in the classroom, only Zazie noticed the small blue bird perched on a window's frame, often tilting its head aside stiffly, blinking several times in a quick succession before tilting its head the other side and then doing it all over again. Subtly, she gestured at this bird with a wagging pointer finger, and then the winged creature quickly flew away, disappearing in the sky.

It quickly turned back, gave a turn around the building, and landed on the frame of another window. In that classroom, Tohsaka Sakura, whose seat was by said window, blinked at the arrival of the familiar and, while Nitta-sensei ranted with his back on the students, writing quickly on the chalkboard, she reached over to lightly touch the unmoving bird's forehead with the tip of a finger.

It didn't take her any long to read the simple, little mind of her spy. And then she pouted.

Yuuki Rito wasn't sure what to think about this whole new Servant craze. Between the quest for Negi's father, Lala's insistence on him becoming the next King of Deviluke, and Skuld's vague allusions to Ala Alba eventually having to save the world through saving her sister, the last thing he wanted to do now was adding worries about wannabe world-destroying cursed cups and ancient warriors on top of all of that. He was the useless son of a workaholic mangaka, for crying out loud, not some kind of overpowered idiot shounen hero protagonist! This was way above his paygrade!

It was just too much all of a sudden for a simple normal guy like him to handle, right? What next, he'd be given a giant goofy weapon and told to go save cartoon worlds from Yaoi fanfiction villains? He'd rather just stick to strictly helping Haruna help her teacher, just so she could get that out of her system already, while finding a way out of ruling over alien planets and leave the world saving nonsense to others.

He was entitled to that much, damn it! He hadn't asked for all of this when he'd asked Haruna out (he thought, conveniently forgetting that technically Haruna had asked him out instead), he'd only wanted a cute girlfriend like any other boy his age! Well, any other boy but Sagara Sousuke and Katsuragi Keima, but those two were weirdoes.

He mulled over that while sitting amongst so many other boys his age in his old comfy normal classroom, where everybody else but that Katsuragi Keima freak were normal (Sagara, thank goodness, was in another classroom), yeah, and at least Katsuragi wouldn't drag you along on weird quests to deal with demons and insane women. There, at the very least, Rito could know some temporary peace. That, and—

He was thinking about that when he grimly realized how, by just thinking about it, he'd jinxed it already. Oh no.

And then good old, frail and small, reliable Honekawa-sensei, with that creaking, faltering and slow voice of his, announced to his students, "Class, I know this is sudden, but we have a new student with us starting today. Please make him feel at home. And, um, well, please introduce yourself, Matou-kun."

Rito frowned, as did most of the boys, except Katsuragi, who was playing in class as usual, when they saw him march to the head of the class, flashing a wide, mint-white grin, the kind that made women swoon and fellow men to wish to reach for baseball bats and brass knuckles. That kind of confident, Casanova, rich kid grin, the kind that thought they had the charisma of, to grab a random and depressing example, Negi-sensei, but didn't. He wasn't bad looking, Rito supposed, but if anything that only made him more punchable on a first impression. He was too manly to look like a non-threatening girly boy, but not masculine enough to make him feel like a bro, unlike Morisato-sempai, for instance.

Rito knew he should be a better man than this and know better than to make judgements based on first impressions, but really, everything about this fellow simply gave him blatant 'bad news' vibes.

He was that conspicuous, for a non-Emiya heterosexual guy at least, and from Rito's perspective, the timing of his arrival only made things worse.

That, and his hair looked like he had dark seaweed on his head. Really, what a stupid hairstyle.

Ren and Rito, who sat desk to desk much to their mutual annoyance, shared a brief glance to silently reassure each other they might have found some common cause at last before going back to look warily at the newcomer.

"I am Matou Shinji," the new student said, swiftly smoothing his seaweeds back with a hand. "And I'm charmed to meet you all. I'm sure we're going to achieve great things together!"

He posed, as if expecting women to swoon or squeal. Unfortunately, this was the still mostly boys-only part of the school, and thus got bupkiss, even from the disturbingly girly-looking kid who'd recently transferred from Ohtori.

"W-well," Honekawa-sensei said as the silence got awkward, "Matou-san, why don't you sit over there, next to Kaiba-san?"

Looking a bit put off and annoyed at the lack of positive reaction, Matou-san moved to do so.

"That one is bad news," Katsuragi Keima said softly, seemingly not looking up from his game. "His type always are… in games. He looks like the kind of character who'd abuse his sister and turn out to be a stupid villain."

For once, Katsuragi's words were met with nods all around.

Bad Company.

"Shirou," Issei said during the lunch break, "is it true you're spending time now with the English Research Society?"

"Oh, you mean Negi-sensei's club? Yeah, well, I'm not a member, but we thought contact with them might help, ah, Dad's niece-in-law grow used to life in Japan, so I thought I'd tag along to help them with it."

"You're aware that club includes a mad scientist, a Yaoi doujinshi author, a man who attempts suicide several times each day, someone who also partakes in the SOS Brigade, the infamous Perverted Beast, and a girl unbalanced enough as to wear a fake devil's tail everywhere, right?"

"That man is a respected teacher, Issei," Shirou reminded him.

"I know he's a teacher, Shirou," Issei inflexibly said, refusing to admit the 'respected' part. "That doesn't change the fact he needs help none of us are qualified to deliver. We're Japanese, after all."

"They're good people, you're worrying too much about it," Shirou shrugged it off. "Besides... Dad's niece insists she'll only be staying for a month or so. Afterwards, I don't think I'll have any reason to stay in everyday contact with them anymore."

"Well, that's probably for the best," his friend opined. "I mean, I know that's no business of mine, but some company are entertaining but dangerous, Shirou. I'm sure Sakura-san feels the same, too."

Shirou blinked. "What does Sakura have to do with any of this?"

"Nothing," Issei flatly said. "I was just casually commenting, that's all."

"Ah," Shirou said, and quietly went back to eating.

Issei inwardly breathed easier. Definitely, last time he agreed to help that vixen's sister with anything. She might have been a far more pleasant person than Tohsaka Rin, but still.

Even so, it felt nice to see Shirou wouldn't spend too long around the Yaoi artist after all. Issei suspected she could get a wrong idea about his relationship with him...

It's important to keep in mind here Ryuudou Issei was no stranger to blissful, unrealized denial.

Taking aim, then shooting. It was easy enough, even when she wasn't feeling at her best. Sakura didn't let her personal feelings disrupt her concentration while shooting at the club's archery range after classes. Instead, as Rin had advised her to so long ago, she used them to gain a better focus, sharpening her resolve and senses.

Right now, for instance, she wasn't letting her mind aimlessly wander to what Saber-san might be doing with Negi-sensei or Sempai at the time, that was pointless and would only stress her further. Instead, she used her current turmoil to her advantage, to shift her mind's eye as to imagine the red target at the other end of the training hall replaced by something more suitable, like, perhaps...

"Bullseye!" Taiga-sensei clapped as Sakura's clubmates cheered, the arrow having found its way directly into the center as soon as it had flown through the air. "Way to go, Sakura-chan! You'll make it to this year's regionals for sure!"

"You're too kind, Sensei," Sakura warmly smiled at her, pushing all thoughts of heads with golden ahoges out of her mind. "I'll keep trying my best, but, um..."

Taiga frowned a little as she saw her descending into a troubled silence. "Something wrong, Sakura-chan?"

She shook her head slowly. "No, nothing, it's just... um, how many days would I have to spend out of the city for... for...?" "Sakura," the short haired, athletic Mitsuzuri Ayako said as she approached her, distracting Sakura from her daydreaming. "There's a boy at the door looking for you. Never seen him before, but he's kinda handsome..."

"A boy?" Sakura blinked out of her dangerous mental images of the Lion playing around while she was away, claiming the dog, the cat and the mouse as its prey. In case you were wondering, the dog was not too smart but endearingly loyal with his cute red fur, the cat was lovably shrewd as cats are prone to be, and the British was the most adorable little thing, always nervous but polite.

The young man waiting for him right outside when Sakura walked out to greet him was indeed very handsome, she supposed, although lacking Emiya-sempai's more traditional 'reliable macho' charm or Negi-sensei's 'vulnerable sensitive guy' appeal. More like the 'worldly, smooth talking variety', even if his hair was sort of funny looking.

The girls seemed to like him a lot, judging from their shared whispers and subdued whistles while Taiga tried to hush them as all of them spied from the inside. Groaning slightly to herself, Sakura tried to block them out as she smiled at the newcomer. "Yes, how may I help you?"

"Tohsaka Sakura, right?" he smiled back, turning on the suaveness with a subtle tug of his mouth. He took her hand and gallantly kissed it with a bow. "You don't know me, but I've heard so much about you. My name's Matou Shinji."

"Matou!" Sakura gasped softly, instantly recognizing the name.

He nodded. "Yes, I'm Matou Kariya's nephew. I understand your reaction, but... please let me reassure you I don't approve of anything he did ten years ago."

He didn't go anywhere far enough, he thought.

"Uncle doesn't spend a single day without regretting what happened to your parents, Sakura-san," he added, actually being far more honest than he thought he was being. "But even if he didn't, I'd wish for nothing but to bury the hatchet between our families."

In your backs, preferably, he thought.

Softly, he told her, "It crushed Uncle, you never write back to him. Every birthday and Christmas, you just send his gifts back, and while I think you have every right—"

"Th-that's my sister's decision, and I have to obey her, as the head of the family," Sakura uneasily said. In truth, had it been up to her, she would have felt inclined to forgive the man over what happened to their mother, having nothing but vague yet fond memories of him, but Rin had been adamant on the subject. "It's not that we hold any real ill will against him, it's just... Rin feels it wouldn't be proper."

"I see," Matou Shinji nodded, and Sakura could hear her clubmates' sighs and sniffles at his heartfelt plea. "I respect that, Tohsaka-san, I really do, but... my Uncle is a sick man, even now, and I fear he could die any day now. I'd be eternally thankful if I could get you to rejoin him, even if only briefly..."

But permanently, that'd be much better! he thought.

"Um," Sakura doubted, beginning to feel something stir within herself at his display of intense emotion and lean figure. A romantic would have called it the start of something beautiful, the birth of a chance for old wounds from past horrors to finally heal, bringing two long opposing lineages together at last.

A cynical would have called it the worms within her reacting, waking up at the discovery of a new target, hungrily beginning to gnaw inside of her, telling her, in their own twisted way, this guy was hot too...

It was most probably nausea though.

"I-I don't think I can take a decision on this so easily, Matou-sempai, I—"

"Then, what if we discuss it over dinner?" he asked with a hopeful smile. "I've been told of a wonderful place you have in this campus, would you mind terribly if I treat you for a nice talk?"

"Uh, well, you see, I have to consult with my sister, and—"

"You're your own woman, Sakura!" one of the girls shouted.

"Don't miss the chance, Sakura!" another one cried. "Or I'll steal him away, I'm warning you!"

"Dammit, Sakura, that guy's rich, I know it from a good source! Are you crazy?!"

"BE QUIET ALL OF YOU, LET SAKURA MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS!" Taiga began roaring at them.

Sakura, with several long hairs randomly sticking out her hair and a slight twitch on her eyebrow, flatly told the good humored-smiling Shinji, "The Chao Bao Zi, right? It's been a while since I last ate there, why not...?"

"Yes?" Tohsaka Rin asked after fumbling a bit with her cellphone. Yes, she was that bad with technology. No, really, she was REALLY bad. Her phone was a Nokia, and it still took her five tries to find the right button to answer a call!

"Nee-san," Sakura's voice answered. "I just called to let you know I'll be a bit late tonight. I'll be having dinner at the Chao Bao Zi with... well, a boy."

"A boy?" Rin repeated, slightly raising her voice just so and frowning as Vigilante suddenly materialized behind her chair. She'd been sitting at the dinner table going over some leftover homework Professor El-Melloi the Second had left her for her stay in Mahora, of which there never seemed to be any shortage of no matter how much of it she completed. She suspected the Second Magic was involved somehow. "Don't tell me you and Emiya..."

"N-No, it's not him," Sakura quickly denied. "Um, well, it's someone I just met today, but..."

"JUST MET TODAY?!" screamed the Master and the duck carefully listening over her shoulder.

They could literally hear Sakura's pout over the phone. "Mou... You don't have to be so testy, I can take care of myself! It's a public place in broad daylight, nothing will happen!"

"Sakura," Rin sternly said. "You know things will be... hectic until this... well, these things end. Who is that boy?"

"Well... Remember Uncle Kariya? It's his nephew..."

"YOU'RE GOING WITH A MATOU?!" Rin screamed at the top of her lungs, panicking. "Sakura, what the hell's going on through your mind! We'd been expecting the Matous to make their move, remember? And we were sure it'd be nothing good!"

From the toilet stall next to Sakura's, an annoyed Jakuzure Nonon, sitting on the porcelain throne, tapped on the thin wall separating them. "Would you keep that conversation down?" the rose-haired petite girl growled, inwardly cursing these Mahora idiots and their unruly noise. It'd take a miracle worth of Satsuki-sama's efforts to whip them into shape. "I'm trying to, um, concentrate here!" she said, holding up the picture of Satsuki and getting back to, ah, business.

"Ah, sorry, sorry!" Sakura gasped, then pulled the cellphone closer to her mouth and whispered urgently, "Neesan, I thought you said the Matous were finished, that they couldn't take part in the War anymore!"

"When did I ever say that?!" Rin protested. "There's no small enemy, that's what I'm always saying! Where are you now? I'll go there immediately!"

Sakura sighed, holding the phone up so Rin could listen to the delegate from Honnouji next door, currently staying over to prepare the accommodations for the visitors from her school, flushing her toilet to cover up the sounds of her, ah, concentration. "I'm at a public restrooms, and Matou-kun's waiting outside," Sakura said then. "I can't abandon him like that right now, or he'll get suspicious, and things will worsen one way or another. He seems sincere when he says he wants to make peace with us, and—"

"Sincere, a Matou?" Rin grumbled. "Nonsense! Sakura, I hate to bring this up, but you of all people should know—"

"Yes," Sakura said then, her voice suddenly chilling and sharp. "Yes, of course I know. But I won't hold that against that boy, who was just as old as you were then, over what that man did."

"I'm not saying you should," Rin argued, "but—!"

"Just like I won't hold it against Father either, since at least he could have prevented it," the still unusually tense and bitter Sakura said. "It's okay, I'll find his intentions out for you, Neesan. I might not be a superpowerful warrior like some other people, but I can prove my worth as a Tohsaka, too."

While Nonon stormed out of the restrooms, mumbling all the way about Mahora and stomping past a silently smirking Shinji who couldn't help quietly agreeing with her, Rin was saying, "Sakura, what's with you today? Listen to me, I want you to stay right where you are, and I'll be on my—"

"Sorry, can't hear you right now, Neesan," Sakura said while flushing her own toilet. "If you want to, you can meet us at the Chao Bao Zi. Sorry, I promise I'll handle dinner all next week to make up for it. On my own, no Alter Egos. See you then..."

"Dammit, Sakura!" Rin said. "Will you just listen to reason? You— No, you won't," she sighed, lowering the cellphone as the call had just been cut short. It took her three tries to make sure the call was over. "Stupid overcomplicated smartphone! She's at that age, you know," she told Vigilante, with an exasperated glance back over her shoulder.

The Servant nodded while adjusting his hat on. "I can sympathize. Well, what are we waiting for, then?"

Rin frowned, took a look at the list of contacts Sakura had prepared for her on the darn phone, and her eyes lingered on Emiya's name for a moment before she shook her head, pocketing the device. She most likely couldn't have made the call anyway. "Nothing. So let's get dangerous."

"..." he said. "Was that supposed to be funny, cute, or what?"

"What? I share your dreams, you know!" she said. "This is your own fault, dreaming so much about dogs made of water and cybernetic mafioso bulls will affect anyone after a while!"

"Yeah, yeah," Vigilante said, making sure his Gas Gun was loaded. "Come on, let's go stop your sister from cheating on you."

"Shut it," Rin growled as she made for the door.

"You know, I'd have thought the two of you would have come to some kind of agreement about this sort of thing before now," Vigilante said as she followed her, switching to astral form. "Instead, you're getting… what do you call it? Netorare'd?"

"Shut it!"

Unfair Trade.

"Welcome, Negi-kun," Headmaster Konoe said after Shizuna closed the office's door from the outside, and Negi quietly entered, sitting before the old man's large desk. The principal looked at him, noticed how he didn't look quite as small compared to his furniture since their first meeting in the flesh, and then told him, "You might be wondering why I called you here so quickly after your classes were over..."

Negi had no choice but to nod, noticing how oddly pale the headmaster looked this afternoon, and growing worried about him.

Konoemon sighed. Then he addressed him and the other teachers who had been standing around the office when Negi had been brought in, apparently saving the chair specifically for him, which only concerned Negi even further. The notables present included Nekomome, Ririko, Mido, Akashi-sensei, Gandolfini, Nijuin, Touko, Takahata, Sister Shakti, Mikado and Nikaido, so the office, wide and spacious as it was, still was pretty much crowded, adding to the mildly suffocating sensation oppressing Negi around the collar.

"As your elders present here already know, Negi-kun," Konoemon said, "the World Tree's reserves of magic, every twenty two years, happen to overflow and flood our campus with a potent pulse around the days of the incoming School Festival."

"What kind of magical pulse, Sir?" Negi asked. "Is it something that could endanger the student body? Does it awaken a terrible, immortal man-eating creature that feeds on human flesh for twenty three days before it goes back into hibernation? "

Konoemon paused and gave him a strange look. "No, of course not. We had Doctor Strange take care of that. Why do you ask?"

"Konoka had us watch Jeepers Creepers last night," Negi said with a shudder.

"Yes, well," Konoemon coughed, "it's still a very serious situation. Across that week, the Tree's gathered power will spread, looking to latch onto the desires and longings of our inhabitants. Now, as powerful as it is, the Tree's excess magic can't grant wishes on a global scale, like world subjugation, or anything that breaks too many rules of the natural order, like changing into an omnipotent creature or making vampires sparkle. However, it has occasionally affected our charges before in subtler but also potentially dangerous ways. Are you familiar with the legend of the confessions around the Tree, boy?"

"Not really, sir," he confessed. "Please enlighten me."

Konoemon reached for a glass of water while gesturing at Takahata to continue for him. Takamichi did so without missing a beat. "Negi-kun, one of the urban legends circulating among our students says that if you confess to a loved one directly under or very close to the World Tree, especially during the Festival, that person will then return your love unconditionally."

"Seriously?" Negi blinked.

Takahata smiled. "Well, that's what the rumors say. We have found no conclusive proof that happens at all during normal periods, but during the weeks of magical activation every twenty two years, there is a definite danger of the power looking to grant the wishes of the students involved."

"So," Negi summed up, "there is a good chance, if someone confesses during the Festival, those confessions would indeed result in a requited romance. But I don't see how that—"

"You're still young, Negi-kun, and can't be expected to understand the true risks of this situation," Konoe said. "But please think about it. The elemental magic flowing from the Tree, in itself, has no moral code, no real sense of good or ill. It'll simply attach to the strongest wishing hearts and struggle to affect reality so their desires are fulfilled. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean those wishes and those of the other parties involved, the people listening to the confessions, will match in every case."

Negi nodded slowly. "I see your point. There's a real danger the magic will affect the minds and hearts of some students just so they're more receptive to others, affecting their own free will, right?"

"That's correct," Konoemon said. "Congratulations, you have grasped part of the problem quite quickly. The other part, of course, being realizing the wishes do come true could endanger the secrecy we are sworn to protect."

Briefly, Negi had a pang of Satomi-inspired feelings on the subject, on how the most important part of it all, even over the mental integrity of the students, was the danger of being found out, judging from Konoemon's tone and his colleagues' agreeing nods and expressions. In all honesty, it made Negi feel sort of uncomfortable, more so than when he'd been led to believe he might be scolded or sanctioned over something or another.

He still shook that off his mind as best as he could to deal with the matter before him. "Then, we should take measures to make sure that won't come to pass, shouldn't we, Sir? Of course, I'm sure you already have set them in place and you'll only need for our cooperation. I'll gladly lend my help to the endeavors, and I'm sure I speak for everyone with—"

Konoemon gestured at him with a hand. "Now, now, slow down, young man. I'm very thankful for your enthusiasm, but that won't be a concern right now. The overflow of magic from the World Tree has been halted for this year at least."

"By what?" Negi asked, blinking in curiosity.

Konoemon hummed in a deep, low tone, shaking his head slowly. "Why, by these dark affairs our contacts in the Church keep us well informed about." As Shakti stood her ground with no change on her face, he added, "The good new is, this Festival we won't have to worry about, ahem, blocking our students' expressions of affection for each other. The bad news is in trade for that, we get a foreign source of powerful magic leeching the Tree's excess reserves, and probably, I fear, even more than that."

"Even more, Sir?" a suddenly worried Akashi asked. "You hadn't told us about that!"

Konoemon coughed, standing up and making his way to his window, supported on his cane. While looking out towards the beautiful campus, with his back turned on the teachers, he solemnly explained, "The Grail of Fuyuki chose our lands as a replacement for its own because they could supply it with a constant amount of mana through the World Tree. But the Grail is a hungry little customer, it seems, and to sustain itself and those of the Servants it has brought for, it's siphoning magical power at a remarkable pace of late."

"Oh my God," Akashi had paled, even more than the visibly shaken Touko and Negi. Takahata had just pulled a cigarette out and began puffing on it in a thoughtful silence, while Ririko and Nikaido folded their arms and shared a frown with no small amount of bitterness.

"We aren't close to critical levels just yet," Konoemon informed, "but this means we will have to worry about more than the collateral damage this accursed War might bring forth. So I want all of you to keep a vigilant eye out, more than usual, on any unusual developments in this campus. If your magic starts faltering for no discernible reason, report to me on the double. Any sightings of Servants and their Masters are to be brought to my attention immediately as well. Is that understood?"

"Sir! Yes, Sir!" Mido-sensei saluted. "Er, what counts as more unusual than normal developments, sir?"

"Things that look like they belong in the last 5 episodes of an apocalyptic action story, Mido-kun," Konoemon said.

"What, people coming back from the dead, giant robots, bigger orgies than usual, teachers finally managing to get a date?" Mido said.

"To name a few," Konoemon said, nodding.

Everyone turned to stare at Akashi.

"Oh, ha ha," he said. "Just because none of you ever manage to get a relationship to last more than a bombed date is no reason to think my love life is a sign of the end times!"

"Hey!" Mido said.

"Your relationships don't count Mido, we all pretend they don't happen anyway for the sake of our sanity!"

"I'll bring Takane-kun's team with me on redoubled patrols until you tell us to stop, Sir," Gandolfini lowered his head.

"That'd be nice, indeed," Konoemon nodded. "Takamichi-kun, I want you to establish a search on the rumors of extra Grail-related activity probably glitching into existence from the other three schools." This made Negi gag on his own tongue while Takahata nodded sharply. "Shakti-kun, keep an eye out on Kotomine-kun from now on. Nijuin-kun, Touko-kun, you and Seruhiko-kun, who is on patrol duty now, keep tabs on the visiting students to make sure none of them alter the situation any more than strictly necessary. I trust you to assign the surveillance teams of your choice to carry out these orders."

"What about us, Sir?" Mikado asked, as she gestured for a cigarette and Takahata silently handed it to her, then lit it for her.

"You will be working in tandem with Kitami Reika-kun from Honnouji to maintain a the health of all students, from Mahora or anywhere else, during the Festival," Konoemon answered, walking over to hand her a small piece of folded paper. "Kitami-kun is a former student of Mahora, and... well, everything you need to know about her is written here. Nikaido-kun and our honorable exchange teachers from Yokai Academy will be handling creature control with Tatsumiya-kun and Sakurazaki-kun. Orphans, Hollows, Witches, Magical Girls, masked vigilantes, Twilightards, I want all of them inactive and out of the streets during those three days."

"Sir," Ririko Kagome smirked dangerously, her glasses glinting. "You flatter us with your trust."

"You are authorized to resort to any means you deem necessary, up to and including… asking nicely!"

"Aw!"

The old man exhaled, not really wanting to give any signs he was doing it only because of a lack of better alternatives. "Please see that you don't disappoint me then, Ririko-kun. As for you, Akashi-kun, Negi-kun, I have a special assignment for you. The rest of you are free to go now and resume your duties. For any questions you might have, please feel free to call my personal number after hours."

As the rest of the teachers quickly poured out of the office, Akashi locked the door at a subtle gesture from Konoemon.

"Please come closer, Akashi-kun," the Kanto elder told him, and Akashi could only obey, just as docile as Negi had been. "I want you two to help me find all Servants and Masters. Keep your distance from them, but I want all of them located and identified. Kotomine-kun has invoked the Church's mediator rights to keep them a secret from me, but that doesn't mean I can't find them through men I trust."

Both men of said trust who hadn't quite told him everything they knew on the other Masters gasped. "But, Sir," Negi doubted, "why would he do that...?"

"Oh, I don't fault him for doing so," Konoemon quickly said. "He is supposed to keep it a secret from me, through the prior agreements between his order and the Tohsaka, Matou and Einzbern families. However, we can't allow that to halt our own hands. Already, at least one man has died in an incident related to this War. A magus going by the name Atrum Galliasta, newly arrived from Europe, was recently found killed in an illegal laboratory set within our city. We found proof of illegal experimentation, notes related to prior Wars, fake fangs and body glitter amongst his belongings."

"Oh dear...!" Negi took a lot of air in.

Konoemon nodded. "I have reason to think, from the gathered evidence, he managed a Servant summoning, and probably was murdered by his own Servant for… well, I'd rather not speak of it in front of Negi-sensei. Now, that Servant is probably already dead now as well, from a lack of mana, but if they have managed to stay alive through consuming souls or forming a Contract with another Master, there's no way of telling—" He offered the now very pale Akashi a glass of water, "Thirsty, Wataru-kun? You look like your throat has gone dry all of a sudden."

"Th-Thank you, Sir," Akashi said, accepting the glass with trembling hands.

"Think nothing of it. Regardless of Galliasta's intentions, however, I feel obligated to answer his family's cry for justice. Your first step should be locating that rogue Servant or managing to find sufficient lack of evidence of their continued existence. And, Negi?"

"Y-Yes, Headmaster?"

"Please keep on watching on your newest student while you're at it, will you?" Konoemon said.

Negi gasped. "Sir! Have you found some reason…!?"

"Oh, only instincts gained from being an educator for many years," Konoemon said. "She's a mysterious new transfer student who came in as we are about to have a crisis. I figure there's a very high chance she'll suddenly be dragged into this mess against her will, the poor girl."

Negi just nodded. It seemed safer that way.

Rin stopped a moment after leaving her house, pausing on the sidewalk and looking up at her rooftop with a fierce scowl. Vigilante's spirit form came to a grinding halt by her side.

Rin squinted, shifted her eyes around to check there was nobody else in the street at the time, and whipped out a handful of shiny gems, one between each pair of fingers. "I'm in a hurry, so let's make this short," she growled. "If your teacher wants to watch over me, fine, I get he's worried about you. But don't insult my intelligence pretending I haven't noticed."

There was a tiny blip of electricity on the rooftop, and then a diminutive floating sprite shaped like a too-cute mouse floated down, rubbing the back of its head with a chubby paw in a way that was all too reminiscent of Negi. "Sorry 'bout that," the mouse said in a cutesy, squeaky voice that sounded speeded up, "but both Mother and Father agreed on this. I'm just following orders, Tohsaka-sempai!"

"Mother?" Rin grunted. "Let me guess... the pockmarked NEET, right?"

"Who are you calling a NEET, you relic who can't even use a computer!" a young woman's voice screamed at her, literally coming out the ears of the now cringing sprite mouse. "I have no idea how you'll last past high school in today's world! Hell, I have no idea how you're doing your homework NOW!"

"I have no time for this idiocy," Rin mumbled, turning around and rushing down the street remarkably fast, Magic Circuits powering up to enhance her legs. While she was no Misora, she looked like she was running while only putting half of the physical effort she'd have employed without using magic. She was aiming for a balance between her natural energy and magic, since she was fairly sure she'd end up needing equal parts of both.

Much to her annoyance, the flying mouse seemed to keep up with her and Vigilante all the same. "Okay, what's going on now?" it asked in the voice of Negi-sensei's chief flunky/fangirl. "It's your sister, isn't it? She hasn't returned home yet, despite this being late for her. And then there's the fact—"

"Exactly how closely do you spy on us?" Rin grunted.

"Excuse me," the force controlling the somewhat uncomfortable looking mouse spoke, "but I was under the impression you were perfectly capable of saying when you were being watched or not?"

"Don't get smart with me, NEET," Rin warned her. "Just because you let some weirdo stalk you, that's no reason to believe normal people are like that!"

"You don't even know the first thing about normal people!" Chisame's voice protested. There was a beat. "Do you want us to send someone? Negi's currently busy, but I think I can ring up Kagurazaka or Sakurazaki, or even Nagas—"

"No thanks," Rin said while turning a corner. "We can handle this fine ourselves."

The voice of the entity hijacking her own mouse sighed. "You don't get it, do you? Negi didn't suggest this so he could keep others safe from what you're doing. He wanted it done so we could protect you. Personally, I thought that was skewed priorities and innocent bystanders should be the point, but you weird magic people are messed up in the head."

"Then tell him I don't want or need his protection," Rin brushed it aside.

"That's the way he is, and it's not like he's the only suicidal idiot around with the 'This is something I've gotta do on my own' mentality around here. Not saying any names, of course."

Rin seethed, screeched to a new stop, spun around to snatch the mouse in mid-air, and squeezed it tightly in her fist. "Don't you start lecturing me on my duties as a Master, NEET!"

"I'm just an innocent puppet!" the mice squealed, now with its own voice again. "Mooom!"

Rin yelped as Hasegawa sent a brief electric pulse through the sprite, forcing her to let it go. "Hands off Mugi, okay? Very well, I won't bother you anymore. This is another 'Master and Servant' piece of bull, right? Then let Emiya-sempai handle it with you."

"What— No!" Rin protested. "You leave him out of this!"

"Hello, Emiya-sempai?" she heard Chisame's voice as she accessed another communication link. "It's me. You know. Hasegawa. Yeah, that one. No, I just got your number from the Mahora mainframe. No, don't be stupid, I have access to everyone's number. Listen, can you and Saber-san head over to the Chao Bao Zi?"

"What?!" Rin let out a strangled scream. "How did you know—!?"

"A sec, Sempai," Chisame's voice paused from the call she was giving Shirou before blunting repeating for Rin, "I have access to everyone's number."

"If you had me bugged, then why did you ask me all that to begin with?!" Rin protested.

"I believe in giving everyone a fair chance," Chisame said. "You still there, Sempai? Oh, Saber-san is all ready to go, right? Figures. Yeah, well, good luck, whatever. Not like I care, this is clearly not a problem for Ala Alba. What a waste of my time. Okay, bye."

Rin fumed and hissed at the sprite floating before her. "You're dead, you hear me? Dead!"

"Nice, then maybe I can return as a Heroic Spirit, have someone summon my in this war and kick your ass," Chisame snarked as she made Mugi wave goodbye to Rin. "Good luck with the sister anyway. I can sympathize with being the caretaker, I guess."

"Don't you even—" Rin reached over as if to squeeze again, but then the sprite just blinked away, vanishing from between her fingers. She sneered and shook them off as if to take the touch of technology off her skin.

"So, um," Vigilante's disembodied voice rasped impatiently, "are we going to save Sakura and keep her from cheating on you, or not?"

"Oh, just give me a break already! I'm going!"

Chao was away doing more preparations for the Festival and Ku Fei was out training, so that left Satsuki and Chachamaru taking care of the Chao Bao Zi, not that there were too many customers left to attend to by now. It was already late, nightfall wasn't terribly far away, and most students had already retreated into their homes by this time or, like the Narutaki twins, having sex in the bushes.

However, the blonde at Seat 5-D was more than doing her part to keep Satsuki busy while Chachamaru worked steadily in the kitchen; while normally it'd be the other way around, cooking at the pace this customer demanded required for even more speed than serving her, so they had shifted the arrangements around. The blonde girl ate at truly impressive rate, downing bowl after bowl of Miso soup and plate after plate of still steaming nikuman, all the while the red-haired boy sitting by her side looked miserably into his open wallet.

Satsuki was just taking another emptied plate back to the kitchen when Tohsaka Rin arrived. "Where is she?!" she greeted Shirou, looking in all directions. "Did you send her back? Because I didn't run into her on my way here. You haven't seen her, have you?!"

"Good afternoon to you too, Tohsaka," Shirou nodded, quietly pocketing his wallet back. "No, Sakura's hasn't been here yet. I tried calling her, but she's just not answering. You?"

"She hasn't answered my calls ei— Fine, I can't use this, okay?!" she exasperatedly said, holding her cellphone up. "That's not important right now!"

"You don't know how to use a cellphone, really?" Saber asked as Satsuki came back with another order. "I got it right on my first try..."

Groaning inwardly at being outdone at basic tech by someone from centuries ago, Rin failed to hear Yotsuba's gentle, "Good afternoon, what will you be having?" Shirou answered for her, leaning closer to whisper into Satsuki's ear, and the chef nodded quietly at that before walking back out of sight.

"Come on, let me see it," Emiya patiently gestured at her, and Rin mumbled as she handed him the phone. Shirou stared a moment, taking him a moment to recognize the phone because he hadn't seen the model in ten years, made a basic check, and said, "You've got seven messages already. Don't tell me you didn't hear the ringtone?"

"I thought it only rang when it was malfunctioning?" Rin blinked.

Saber and Shirou gave her a bland look.

"Sakura and I don't need to call each other a lot, and I don't hand my number around lightly, okay?! Besides, I just got it this Christmas!"

"We're almost in June now..." Shirou observed before going through the messages, "Let's see, 'I have your sister', 'I repeat, I have your sister', 'Are you paying attention? I have your sister!', 'Don't ignore me, damn you!', 'Help, I'm a Wakandan noble who needs your help to remove my money from the country', 'Tohsaka, I challenge you to a duel!' and 'You know, you just call me back when you can'. Damn it!" he growled, growing suddenly fierce and frustrated, eyes burning, going into Hot Blooded Shounen Hero Mode after his deadpan recital of the messages. "I can't believe it!"

"Neither can I," Saber quietly said after putting her latest bowl of soup away. "For our enemy to have kidnapped Tohsaka's sister, a magus herself, in the middle of a public institution and in broad daylight... He must be more capable than we had assumed, Shirou." She called out. "We're leaving, please one more order, this one take-away!"

"Okay...!" Satsuki's voice said from behind the car's curtains.

Rin had paled hideously. "Oh my God, Sakura! This is horrible! Okay, no one panic! We just have to find him, then kick his entrails out of his body and save her! Also, we're filming a movie for the school festival!" she hastily added, turning around to face the rest of the few customers left, who were approaching to see what was going on.

With subdued words of understanding, the customers returned to their tables and to caring about their own business.

"... I'm starting to understand how one could get away with a kidnapping at in daylight at this school," Saber commented. "Thank you," she said, grabbing the warm wrapped package Satsuki had just brought for her. "Well, Shirou, pay so we can leave, will you?"

"Okay," Shirou nodded, shifting abruptly from his fuming indignation to perfectly civil acceptance. He handed his credit card to Satsuki. "You accept plastic, right?"

"Of course we do. Um, I couldn't help overhearing. About that kidnapping case you're filming, Chachamaru-chan could go with you to help film, she has a lot of experience helping to solve simulated kidnappings..."

"Oh, thank you, but I don't think we need any more actresses," Shirou said, completely missing the inflections in Satsuki's voice.

"Emiya-kun," Rin told him flatly.

"Well," Shirou said, standing up and cracking his knuckles together. "Let's go find that guy and film his final scene, right?"

"Emiya-kun," Rin repeated herself, while subtly nodding and gesturing at Yotsuba, who nodded back before walking back for the kitchen.

"No time, Tohsaka, your sister's in non-peril, why are you stalling now?!" Shirou said as he gestured for her and the facepalming Saber to follow. "You should be the most worried about Sakura being placed into completely inexistent danger in the filming of this movie!"

"That guy's gotta be the worst actor ever," Momioka Risa whispered to Sawada Mio over their shared pot of Chinese meatballs with noodles.

Mio giggled and nodded back. "He's hot, though...!"

"Oh, I don't denied that," Risa whispered again. "There's something to be said about the hunky, strong, dumb type... They're usually hung like bulls, even if they're just as smart!"

Rin and Saber sweatdropped while overhearing that (not that Risa was bothering to whisper too low) and the ensuing sharing of devilish giggles, although Shirou seemed completely oblivious, lost in his Reality Marble of asskicking plans. "Okay, first thing is you'll call him back and find out where he's filming his movie! Then we'll crash his stage and— Um, well, I think we can figure the script out from there!"

"Wow, he's really drawing out this metaphor," Vigilante said to Rin.

Chachamaru walked to Rin and Saber's side, bowing at them and handing her neatly folded apron to the dutiful Satsuki. "Good afternoon, Sempais, Saber-san. I'll be glad to help in any way I can. Shall we be going, then?"

"Yeah, we shall," Rin said, putting a hand on the blinking Shirou's chest and beginning to push him away before he could ask anything. "Thank you, Yotsuba-san, I promise this won't take long, you'll have her back before..."

"Oh, actually, I was about to close anyway," Satsuki said. "It seems our provisions for the next three days have just been depleted..."

When Sakura woke up, she had a thick rope tied around her waist and she was hanging from a domed ceiling. In addition, her hands were also firmly tied behind her back, and her legs dangled too far above the floor for her to find any footing to try and escape.

"Oh, great," she sighed, briefly closing her eyes. "I'll never hear the end of this from Nee-san."

"You'll be lucky if you ever hear her again, Tohsaka-chan," said Shinji, who stood under her with a smug smirk and folded arms. Sakura scoffed at him, folding her legs together as to minimize the risk of giving him a pantyshot. "Do you like the view from here?"

Sakura looked outside, through the large window of the mostly shadowy room, and saw their surroundings were covered by ruins she recognized. The sisters had made sure of studying and memorizing the whole of the campus over the years, even before learning about the premature Grail War's arrival. Rin had said the knowledge could pay off at any given time, and right now Sakura had to agree with her.

The area was that which was devastated by the tremors during the great cataclysm fifteen years ago; afterwards, the faculty had deemed the sector too costly to repair on the current budget, choosing instead to build more reasonably priced installations elsewhere in the district after barricading the ruins and forbidding access to students and passerbys alike. There'd been an attempt to rebuild seven years ago, but that had ended up destroying the place even worse and had driven someone in the college robotics department to supervillainy, which was why the Wayne Foundation's donations were no longer accepted. She had been brought to the old abandoned observatory, which still looked stable enough as to stand for now, but she doubted it could stand hosting a clash between fully powered Servants.

"What did you do to the perimeter guards?" she asked him. Rin and she had the hardest time getting around them when doing their research on the barred area, and more than once they almost got themselves caught. Perhaps they shouldn't have tried to have sex in that empty classroom…

Shinji chuckled. "I disposed of them with the most powerful force known to man!"

"Ah," Sakura understood. "You bribed them so they'd take the night off?"

"Precisely!" Shinji nodded. "You aren't all that dumb for a Tohsaka, other than the part where you fell for my act. But who can blame you, since I'm such a sublime actor? Maybe they should've made you the Master instead of your sister. Is it true she pleases old men for money?"

"That's just a sick rumor invented by girls envious of her," Sakura said, subtly trying to work her hands free only to freeze at the sight of the figure standing guard close to Shinji, silent and stoic. Sakura immediately stopped struggling; she was fairly sure she could get herself off these binds easily enough thanks to Rin's training, but that'd be for naught with a Servant watching over her. She knew she'd never make it to the door in one piece.

This Servant was female, rather feminine looking, as a matter of fact. She was tall, very tall for Japanese standards, but slim and graceful in appearance, not overly muscular at all. She wore a perfectly white, exquisite bridal dress, complete with a silk veil that covered most of her face but her delicate jawline. For some reason, the tiara she was wearing seemed to have a horn that had been awkwardly cut off by boltcutters. In one hand she held a massive mace that seemed too big and heavy for someone like her, but Sakura knew all too well about the abnormal strength any Servant would possess. Even Vigilante had shown impressive displays while helping around the house, like hefting the whole refrigerator over his head so she could sweep under it.

"Meet Monster, my Servant," Shinji introduced the silent girl, who bowed respectfully to the uneasy Sakura. "She is to kill your sister's Servant if they ever make it here, into the heart of my trap. Of course, that will never happen, which is sort of a shame, but so be it, worthier challenges await her ahead."

Sakura narrowed her eyes at him. "Does your uncle know you're stooping this low, or are you doing this on your own?"

Shinji sneered. "I don't have to answer to any finished old man. He gave his blessing to my participation, yes, but the plan's all mine."

"I see," Sakura said. "And do you think he'll approve once he sees what you've done?"

"He'll have to," Shinji replied. "I'll have succeeded where he and my grandfather failed, and I'll validate the Matou name at last. What would you know about that? Your family never amounted to anything. When we created the mechanisms for the Grail War, all you supplied were the grounds for it, and now you don't even have that to your name."

Sakura fumed at his words. "And yet," she said, "you thought you could only take me on through subterfuge, striking at me from behind. My sister's going to snap you in half. And then she'll stop being nice."

"Don't get cocky girl, you're only the means to an end. Merely bait," Shinji wagged a finger at her. "I didn't have to bother going all out on you, and as for your sister... well, you'll have to see that when the moment comes. In the meantime," he smiled creepily, wriggling his fingers, "why don't we have some fun to pass the time?"

Sakura cringed, trying to pull back and stifling a scream...

... only to yelp a moment later, when Shinji grabbed a long pole and began poking her nose with it. "Tohsakas drool, Matous rule!" he mocked her. "Tohsaka Rin pleases old men for gems! Nya ha ha ha, you married into your worst enemies! You had the best damn Servant in a war and you still lost!"

"What, what, what in the world?!" Sakura protested, trying to headbutt the pole away. "I, I, I thought you were going to, to, to...!"

Shinji paused, blinking. "To do what?"

"Well, you know," Sakura uneasily rasped, shifting around and blushing. "That thing... villains do with the heroines caught in their clutches..."

Shinji blinked again, genuinely puzzled. "I've already locked you up in a tower, haven't I? What, were expecting a gorilla and flaming barrels falling down a construction site?"

"Aren't you going to ravish me?!" Sakura screamed, the worms inside of her collectively facepalming, despite having no hands, at this guy's cluelessness. Really, you'd have thought he was an idiot shounen protagonist instead of an idiot shounen villain.

Shinji and his Servant blushed violently, stepping back. "What?! What a perverted woman!" Shinji gasped. "Do you think I'm some sort of pervert!? Matou Shinji, a vile rapist?! Who'd ever think of such a nasty lie?!"

It was Sakura's turn to blink. "You mean you aren't slimy enough?"

Shinji scoffed, placing a hand on his chest. "Please! Do I look that desperate for a woman? I'm a playboy! I'm rich, powerful, clever and a devastating charmer! Women everywhere fall for my beauty, worthy of Adonis himself! I only have to snap my fingers and ladies everywhere fall at my feet!" he laughed, snapping his fingers.

He waited for a moment, then coughed, "I snap my fingers and ladies everywhere fall at my feet!" he repeated, snapping his fingers once more.

Monster got the clue, moved stiffly before him, slowly dropped at his feet, and monotoned a bland, "Ooohhhhh..." as she did so.

Shinji placed his hands on his hips and laughed hysterically. "That's right! I'm a superior man, and I won't sully myself by touching a Tohsaka! Do you think I haven't read Grandfather's notes? I know you're all full of disgusting, filthy worms inside, woman!"

Sakura bristled in fury and indignation, then spat on his face. "Hey!" he protested, wiping the saliva off with the back of a hand.

Tears flowing off her eyes, Sakura ranted at him. "Do you think that's funny, what your grandfather did to me?! Don't you think I at least deserve some apology for it!? I wasn't holding it against you, but learning you'd use that to mock me, that just tells me you're the worst of the worst! Do you have any idea how horrible that was?! Have you ever stopped to think how'd you feel if you'd been thrown there?! I still have nightmares about that! If not for my sister and my Sempai, it'd have broken me inside, and you treat it as a sick joke! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

As she descended into a fit of sobbing, Shinji cringed, then rasped. "W-Well... if it's any consolation, it's not like I'm going to kill you... look, all I'm going to do is to kill your sister and finish your family's legacy, but after that, I promise I'll let you go..."

"Do you think you make anything better by saying that?!" the Rin-raised-and-fucked Sakura exploded, madly kicking around, trying her best to swing a kick at him but failing each time because of the distance...

That was, until Monster, who had quietly slid behind her during Shinji's questionable reassurance, subtly pushed her forward from behind using her mace, and so Sakura could swing a vicious kick on Shinji's face.

"MONSTER!" he yelled, rubbing his deeply reddened cheek from the floor.

"I. Am. Sorry, Master," the Servant passively said, as if struggling to utter each word. "My. Hand... Slipped."

Shinji grumbled while standing back up, and Sakura gave Monster a curious back glance. "Yeah, right, slipped. You should learn a few things about respect from Rider."

"Rider?!" Sakura gasped, turning her attention back on him.

Shinji chuckled. "I'm full of resources, hadn't you noticed yet? I'm a born leader, and I know whom to gather to my cause. Even before arriving at this two-bit school, I had already met and bested a Master and his Servant. Of course, being as magnanimous as I am, I recognized their potential and agreed to spare them as long as we could enter a mutually beneficial agreement."

Sakura swallowed, following Shinji's gesture towards the shadows of a corner, where now she could realize a miserable looking figure sat on a folding chair, doubled unto itself. She squinted. "Itoshiki-sensei? Is that you?" Who else would look so depressed and pathetic?

Shinji smoothed his hair back. "As we speak, my ally's Servant waits in ambush for your witless sister. In trade for their help, I'll make sure my fellow Master can keep sustaining her existence, since he's no magus himself. What can I say? Without me he'd be lost, my poor kouhai. Come closer, Ikari-kun. Let Tohsaka-chan get a good look at you, don't be shy!"

The figure sitting in darkness sighed heavily, with every sorrow in the world, and stood up, walking out closer to the others. It was a boy, smaller and scrawnier than Shinji, truly downtrodded and pathetic-looking. He had fair skin and short black hair, and wore a simple white shirt with black pants and shoes. On the back of his right hand, she could recognize three Command Seals for the Rider class.

He kept on looking down, as if ashamed of making eye contact with the confused, expectant Sakura.

"Tohsaka Sakura-chan, this is my honorable namesake, Ikari Shinji-kun, Master or Rider. Yes, he always looks like that even though, as far as I can tell, he and his Servant have been doing nothing but fucking until I kicked their asses. Yes, he's that pathetic. She who will be the executioner of your— ah, finally!" he grinned as he picked up his ringing smartphone. "Yes, Tohsaka? Huh, who are you? You don't sound like an old man, what gives? Emiya... what? Yes, yes, I do have her, but you aren't— What did you just call me, you idiot?!"

And Sakura's heart began beating that much faster. "Sempai!"

Hiding behind some bushes on a small hill mostly made of pebbles, Vigilante, Rin, Shirou, Saber and Chachamaru surveyed the area heavily blocked by barbed wire and a very old poster announcing a new school building provided by the Wayne foundation that still had ninja stars sticking to it in places. Barely visible among the ruins, a few male high school students, still wearing their uniforms and armed with sticks, baseball bats and the occasional large rock, made the rounds in silence.

"That creep," Rin hissed to herself. "Look at that paused, robotic marching, will you? They're hypnotized. He's hypnotized his own classmates to use them as innocent cannon fodder!"

At the Yuuki residence, Mikan looked at the clock on the wall as she pulled the plates off the table. "Nao," she asked her cousin, "haven't you been able to call him yet?"

"Mmmm, nope," Nao absently said, still looking through the list of dates she had in her cellphone for that weekend.

Mikan glared at her.

"Honest, I've just checked," Nao told her. "Why don't you ask Lala? Now she's got that weird alien card she uses all the time to have telepathic conversations with Rito, well..."

Mikan sighed. "Lala-san's been holed up in her lab all afternoon long, and you know I don't like looking in when she's there. The last time I did I came out a boy! But I'll have to do it, Rito's too late now. This isn't like him."

"I'll go with you," Nao offered, pocketing the cellphone. "What about the 3-A slut, though? Does she know anything?"

"Nothing either," Mikan shook her head as the two made their way up the stairs to the attic. "I thought the English Club might be on another meeting, but nothing. She promised to look for him, though..."

"Huh," Nao said, "see, now I'm worried!"

"He can't seriously believe he can stall us for long using those pawns, though," Vigilante estimated. "They're just a lame distraction. Something to keep us from looking at his actual defenses. Gizmogirl?" he asked. "No Servants detected yet?"

Chachamaru shook her head. "Negative. Of course, if the Servant is waiting in ambush while in Spiritual Form, I'm afraid I can't get readings on them. I couldn't detect your presence before you materialized either, Vigilante-san."

"Great," the duck muttered. "Right, this what we'll be do, then. Emiya, you will take care of the boys. Pound them hard with you thick wood"

"All right," Shirou nodded, his fingers flexing around the reinforced wooden sticks he was holding in each hand.

"Saber, you take the lead, Gizmogirl, you cover our flanks," the waterfowl kept on instructing. "Rin's the main target of this idiot, so she'll be in the middle, so I can cover her back along with Emiya. No one's got a problem with that, I assume?"

"Sounds like a sound enough strategy to me," Saber stoically said, having renounced to any desires to rule over men in the battlefield or away from it long ago, "as long as you can reassure me Shirou will be rightfully protected as well."

"I can take care of myself!" Shirou said.

Ignoring him altogether, Vigilante told Saber, "You keep my Master safe, I'll do the same for yours. Right?"

"Correct," Saber humorlessly said. "Before we move in, however, remember the Professor's parting words the other night. In his other self's world, this Matou Shinji person commanded Medusa, the petrifying Gorgon of yore. Keep her legend in mind as we advance."

Vigilante briefly moved his mask around so it blocked his blue eyes. "I'm a master of Quack Fu, trained in the use of all five senses, always able to rely on the others should become one unavailable in combat!" Spreading his arms, he added, "I can navigate through any fight even if blinded! Why, there was this time Megavolt overcharged all the lights in—"

"Your hand's touching my ass," Rin flatly told him.

"... don't think I enjoyed it in the slightest," Vigilante replied, quickly pulling the hand back.

"Right," Rin said, shrugging it off and frowning at the scene below. "Either way, the only reason he could summon Medusa there was because the Matous had Sakura, right? I don't think that could be his Servant in this world, then..."

"Well, he must have some sort of Servant of his as well," Saber said. "Otherwise he wouldn't have challenged you in the first place. Until we learn otherwise, Medusa is the best guess we have, so we should be wary of her regardless."

"Right, she can't be that hard to miss, can she?" Shirou asked. "As soon as we see some horrible figure with snakes for hair in the distance, we avert our gazes and try to find a way around her, that... sounds easy enough... I suppose..."

"Actually," Chachamaru said, her eyes glowing faintly green and then displaying a holographic image before them, "according to the files shared by my counterpart, this is how Medusa actually looks like."

Rin whistled appreciatively at the shapely woman who'd just been shown to them. "Well! Emiya-kun's a goner, then!"

"Hey!" Shirou protested.

"Come on, Emiya-kun," Rin, poking a finger on the chest of the Medusa hologram. "You might not realize it, but I've seen the way you look at Sakura. No way you're looking away from this, well, there's no other term for her, succulent babe."

"I don't look at her like that!" Shirou said.

"That's good, however, isn't it?" Saber asked. "As long as Shirou's eyes are on that bountiful chest, he won't stare into Medusa's face. His survival is thusly guaranteed."

"You too, Saber?!" he said.

"It's okay, Emiya-kun," Rin patted his shoulder magnanimously. "I know you're a healthy young man, and there's no shame in liking breasts as nice as these or Sakura's. That doesn't mean I want to ever see you kissing my sister, but I have no problems with looking-but-not-touching."

"You said that Luviagelita girl in your pictures from the Clock Tower is a cow with disgusting fat udders," Vigilante reminded her, "and yet hers don't look as big as these or Sakura's..."

"They are, far much more so, and she's a damn filthy cow!" Rin said, then pointed down. "Enough chatter, Sakura's going to die of old age at this rate! Saber-san, we're counting on you to lead us to victory!"

"I shall!" Saber said, leaping out the bushes and starting to sprint downhill, swinging Invisible Air out. "RUN AWA— I mean, CHARGE!"

Rin and Vigilante gave Shirou a brief perplexed glare at that, imitated to a more subdued degree by Chachamaru.

"She really likes those Monty Python things, for some reason," Shirou shrugged before rushing after her.

"So, um," Ikari-san said very uneasily as soon as Matou was far enough from them, watching the distance through a pair of binoculars and obsessively muttering to himself, "I'm, I'm very sorry about your sister. And, ah, about your... boyfriend?"

Sakura lifted her nose and chin as much as she could. "You've got nothing to feel sorry about," she said, "since nothing will be happening to them."

"Riiiiight..." the skinny boy said, drawing the word out not because of sarcasm, but because of obvious discomfort as he rubbed the back of his head. "Look, I actually mean it, I wish it didn't need to come to this. But, whether we like it or not, people have to, ah, die in this War. It makes me feel sick, but... as long as it isn't Rider-san who has to die, I..."

Then he stopped himself and simply slumped his shoulders while facing away from her. At first Sakura refused to believe his regret, since the other Shinji had just tricked her with a similar act, but as soon as Ikari-san began sobbing softly and Matou yelled at him to "Oh, just be quiet and man up already!" without deigning to look at him, Sakura couldn't help but feel more open to believing him.

Of course, maybe this was just a double act between both of them, but why bother with pretenses when they had her captive and one of them had just sworn killing Rin? And besides, even if it was, "Bad Master and Wimpy Pussy Master" wasn't exactly working.

"This Servant of yours... is she very important to you?" she asked.

"She's my first... friend I've ever had," Ikari said. "The first person who's ever cared about me, well, other than this childhood friend I once had..."

"Someone of European origins, very Tsundere, red haired, quite loud, occasionally abusive but with a good heart deep inside?" Matou asked, still not looking back.

The other Shinji blinked. "Well... yes, exactly! How did you know that?"

Matou sneered. "That's literally the shitty childhood friend from every stupid romantic comedy in anime, manga and videogames. Seriously, Ikari, you don't just look like a cliche protagonist, but you have their background as well? This impresses me more than your being able to summon a Servant."

Somewhere else in the campus, while logging out of her favorite online scientific board, where she was one of the top and most respected posters, and before logging back in using her alternate troll account, Soryu Asuka Langley shuddered.

"Kimochi warui," she mumbled to herself, rubbing her arms. Then she pounded on the wall. "Mom! Misato! Keep the sex down, I can still hear you!"

"Anyway," Ikari kept on telling Sakura, "Rider-san's arrival into my life was a miracle. I shouldn't have even been able to summon her, and yet I did, so it was meant to happen, wasn't it? She's been so gentle and caring to me, never losing her patience despite of how crappy I am and how I often prematurely ej–, er, that is, how could I fail her and let her disappear because of my incompetence?!"

Sakura nodded patiently, looked into the boy's distraught, exaggeratedly tense expression as he looked up at her, and waited for the unavoidable 'I'M IN DESPAIR!' finisher. Since it didn't come for once, she advised instead, "Well, then why didn't you look for help from anyone else? Because seriously, Ikari-san, I don't think you've chained your wagon to a winning train." She looked at the quiet Servant who stood guard between the Shinjis. "No offence to you, Monster-san."

"I. Am. Nottttt... Offended," Monster stiffly said.

Matou fumed, lowering the binoculars for a moment. "He wasn't a magus, what was he supposed to do? Magically find your doorstep and knock on your door so you would have killed him and stolen his Rider?" She sneered. "And a lot of riding she was doing with him too."

"We wouldn't ever do anything like that!" Sakura protested. "Why, Nee-san is so good hearted, she's the kind of person who would spare an enemy Master and befriend his Servant without expecting her to... okay, she'd spare the enemy Master, at least!"

"Seriously?" Ikari blinked.

Sakura nodded firmly. "Yes! Why don't you join the winning camp, Ikari-san? We've got the prettiest girls, the most handsome boys, the best cooks, and the coolest Servants too! Again, no offense, Monster-san."

"Not. Offended," Monster repeated, although perhaps with less conviction this time.

"Ahhhh! Shut shut, shut up, shut up already, you big mouthed liar!" Matou spun around to frantically point at Sakura, then he wrapped an arm around Ikari's shoulders and pulled him to himself. "Listen, buddy, I know I sometimes lose my patience with you, but that's also part of a true friendship, isn't it? I was under no obligation to spare you when Monster beat Rider fair and square, and yet—"

"As. I. Re. Call. We. Were. In. A. Stand. Still. Rather. Than. A..."

"SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUP!" Matou warned Monster, then nervously chuckled at the blinking Ikari. "Even if you had fluked out a win, what next? You can't trust anybody else in this War, anyone will happily backstab you at a moment's notice, but we, you and I are soul mates, aren't we? We need to prove ourselves to our families, we were always the underdogs, the overlooked, the success stories that come up fighting from below! We're practically brothers! What can a spoiled little girl like this know about the plight of us men? That makes sense, doesn't it, Ikari-kun?"

"Well... I guess it does, but..."

"You're going to regret iiiiiit, Ikari-kuuuuun!" Sakura warned him, singing the words aloud.

Matou hissed venomously at her. "Will you be quiet already, you cow-harpy, or I'll have to—"

"Rider's. On. Move. Now," Monster reported, looking out into the ruins, and both Shinjis eagerly made it back to her side, struggling with each other for the binoculars in what pretty much amounted to an overly excited girlish slap fight in quick motion between them before Matou dominated and took a shit-eating-grinning look outside, all the while Ikari just deflated with a defeated sigh.

Sakura sighed as well. And they wondered why she'd stick to bossy sisters, cute precocious teachers and dumb but manly sempais...

Negi paced back and forth across his bedroom floor, arms folded behind his back.

"If they were in any actual danger, they'd have called already," Chisame reminded him from where she was updating her webpage. The gallery of the week was one of Chiu cosplaying as famous school idol Tohsaka Rin, since Chisame was feeling petty and offended enough over their earlier exchange. Perched on her shoulder, Chamo hissed while chewing on his lower lip, wagging his tail in delighted circles while his glinting eyes remained fixed on the computer screen. "Go do something useful but non-self-destructive like, I don't know, help Sora and Morisato-sempai over at the haunted house."

"Maybe I should call them already," Negi said, pulling his cellphone out and staring at it. "Seriously, Chisame, if you'd just told me from the start…"

"Oh, yeah, call them right now, so while they're sneaking past the enemy lines, the ringtone of your call alerts everyone and they're turned into mincemeat before you get there," Chisame suggested. "Great idea there, boy genius. Also, she didn't want your help, what else did you need? We've seen that, other than Kagurazaka, none of us can do anything against a Servant, so what's the point? Becoming a load?"

Negi sighed, resting his hands on the window's frame. "I know, I know. I just wish there was something else we could do. Maybe you should've patched them up to McRemitz-san too…"

"Right now, that woman's just holding herself short of going for Emiya-sempai's throat, I don't think she'd be jumping at the chance of helping him," Chisame pointed out. "Besides, just think of poor Tohsaka-sempai," she said, perfectly straight faced as she uploaded a whole sub-gallery of Chiu in Rin cosplay, saucily posing in a swimsuit. "How do you think she'd feel if that woman shows up holding the leash of Ireland's greatest hero while she only can show a duck herself?"

Matoi tenderly patted Negi's shoulder from behind. "Chisame-sama's right, Negi-sama. A true man must learn about his limits and place faith in his friends' ability to stand on their own. Besides, I know Shirou-kun. He'll just feel castrated if you swoop in to save him. He's got this complex thing where he's gotta prove himself as a capable hero on his own…"

Negi sighed. "I know. But that's such a stupid, pointlessly self-destructive complex to have!"

Chisame, Matoi and Chamo all paused to stare silently at his hunched back, which he ignored completely.

Then Negi stiffened, putting a hand to his breast pocket and swiftly pulling out a Pactio card, placing it against his forehead. "H-hello? Haruna-san? Yeah, well, Satomi-san's at the lab, but Chisame, Matoi-san and Chamo are all with me here and… what? Yuuki-san? Seriously?!"

Chisame groaned, slumping on the back of her chair. "Oboy, it's the start of another 'Everybody gets kidnapped' week, right? Okay, ermine, what's your bet this time?"

"The Dark Kingdom, definitely," Chamo said. "After what happened to me at CLAMP, I knew it was just a matter of time…"

"Those guys who escaped from Kyoto, with the albino girl in the lead," Matoi said. "They were bound to bounce back sooner or later, she has all the markings of a Final Boss waiting to happen…"

"Too early into the narrative yet, Negi's still pretty much a punching bag," Chisame wagged a finger while Negi cringed, trying to focus on what Haruna was nervously telling him. "It's more Masters and Servants crap, it's just got to be…"

Negi sighed in exasperation, looked back at them, and grunted, "Haruna-san can clearly hear you snarking over her dear boyfriend's disappearance. She'd like to tell you she's genuinely afraid for him… uh, she also adds she'd like to place a bet on evil alien suitors vying for Lala-san's hand in marriage."

"Well," Chisame said, "that's Saotome's way of showing she cares, I guess."

"Hail Shinji!" Saruyama Kenichi saluted as he passed by the other sentinel making the rounds around his surveillance sector.

The other sentinel only nodded vaguely, his eyes nailed to the portable console firmly held between his thin fingers.

Saruyama mustered as much of a frown as his face could convey under his current hypnotized state. "Katsuragi," he scolded his classmate, "why aren't you putting your all into serving Master Shinji?"

"I only live to serve Master Shinji's will," Katsuragi Keima stiffly, unconvincingly said while still playing on his PFP. "And Master Shinji has decreed I would clear the fifth stage of the Himiko-chan Route for him, so I could later deliver the data to his account. So has been said, so I do. Glory to the alpha male, conqueror of the God of Conquests."

At this point his face twitched several times and violently, as if simply saying that had pained him beyond any logical measure.

"Ah," Saruyama said. "Yes. Master Shinji is a real player even out the borders of the 3-D world. I heard he's the best player in that 'Moon Cell Online: Extella CCC' game from CLAMP, too. Praise the glory of the Red S— What was that?" he droned, as a blue blur zoomed past him.

Katsuragi, still immersed into his galge, completely ignored him as two more blurs, one mostly red and black, the other purple, ran past them as well. Then he was knocked down from behind as someone jumped on them from the shadows, giving the battle cry of someone who has watched too many action hero movies, and bashed him across the head with a stick.

Answering with a simian cry of his own, and swinging his bat and baring his teeth, Saruyama charged the red-haired invader of his Master's perimeter, but the taller boy just swatted his face and sent him down, unconscious.

Tohsaka Rin gave a few steps back to look at the downed boys, mildly concerned. "Emiya-kun, you sure you didn't hit them too hard?"

"My readings indicate their vital signs are steady, even if they have fully lost awareness for the time being," Chachamaru reported while hovering shortly above them, her jet boots flaring quietly in place. "Although I don't understand why Katsuragi-sempai, even unconscious, still moves his fingers as if trying to play his game. And… he seems to be making the right button presses, because victorious music just played."

Shirou sighed and, in a sign of honor towards the fallen, picked the game up from the fingers that wouldn't let it go, saved his advances, put it in sleep mode, and carefully placed it back in Keima's hands. He then looked at the girls and duck, all of whom were staring at him in silence. "What? It's basic decency and humanity in the battlefield, people! His batteries would run out before long!"

As he dusted himself off, Shirou added, "As for your question, Tohsaka, in the quest for my dream, I've practiced a lot. I'm now able to tell the sweet spot difference between hitting hard enough to knock a guy unconscious and hard enough as to shatter his skull open."

"... I'm genuinely afraid to ask," Vigilante and Rin said as one, while Saber nodded in approval of their synchronization. Or maybe she was afraid of asking too.

"Look, Itoshiki-sensei was always willing to help, alright?" Shirou told them. "He's been the best training dummy any man could ask for, and I won't let you mock his contributions in my presence. Let's keep going, already."

As he gestured at them to do so, another high school boy leapt into their way, assuming a martial arts stance. "Ah-hah!" the gray haired bishounen said. "I knew I had heard a commotion! So you've defeated those losers... But not me! For the glory of my beloved Princess Lala and Master Shinji, Ren Elsie Jewelria will stop you cold, losers!"

Team Rin exchanged mostly jaded glares. "Okay, who handles this one?" Rin asked.

Vigilante sighed. "I might as well do it, I guess." He took aim with his gas gun and shot at Ren's face. "Smell sleeping gas, delinquent!"

The gas capsule impacted in Ren's face directly, and while it'd have sent any normal human his age into an immediate state of sleep, his alien physiology reacted differently. He coughed, rasped, choked, tried madly to wave the gas off his face, and then... sneezed.

A moment later, where he'd stood, now a petite, shapely young woman with light aquamarine hair wiggled her hips in circles and vigorously rubbed her eyes with her fists while bawling. "Ahhhh, I'm sorry, so sorry I failed you, Shinji-sama...! It was my stupid brother's fault...!"

Shirou gave Vigilante an aghast stare. "You have a gas that turns men into women?!"

"Please never let Haruna-san find out," Chachamaru said, similarly aghast.

"It, it never did that before!" Vigilante, just as startled as him, claimed while checking his gun's barrel closely, then thinking better of it and pointing it far away from himself. "Um, Saber? Normally, I have a policy against hitting women, and while Servants are an understandable exception, well—"

Saber sighed very deeply, pulled a fist back, then punched Run dead square in the middle of the face and knocked her out. Just like that. Then she asked Vigilante, "Are you sure that pistol of yours isn't a gift from any eccentric old mage with the... occasional perverted streak?"

"Uh... nope, nope, nope. I made it myself!" Vigilante blinked.

"Just making sure. Never mind then," Saber said, throwing her hands up before leading the march deeper into the enemy's territory again.

"Another bothersome person..." Saber droned, coming to a halt before the latest boy to block their way at the turn of a corner.

This boy had short, spikey orange hair, and pirouetted gracefully on a foot as he twirled a watering can around, wearing the clothes of an old styled gardener. "I recognize him," Chachamaru said, stopping her low flight as well. "He's Yuuki Rito-sempai."

"Yeah, the Perverted Beast of Mahora," Rin sneered with disgust. "Still a pushover, though, he shouldn't be any—"

"You're wrong on both accounts, Rin-chan!" Rito sing-sang, clearly out of his mind as his eyes moved from one side to the other and up and down erratically. "I'm not a pervert, I'm just a man blessed by the gods with a gift I've denied myself for too long! And I'm no pushover now that I have my all powerful Artifact from the princess of Devil Planet herself! I'm Devil Rito now!"

"What," Shirou flatly said.

Rito chuckled eerily, although also very lamely. "Devil Emperor Matou has opened my eyes! I've been restraining myself, denying women everywhere the pleasure of my touch! Now my Id is free, and I'll claim all women as mine, mine, mine for my harem...!"

"Um, shouldn't your Master have first dibs on all those women then?" Vigilante asked him. "How is your loyalty supposed to work then?"

Rito, startled at the realization, boggled and gasped, choking on his saliva for a moment before saying, "Th-Th-The universe has enough women for the two of us to share!"

"Oh, so now we're the sharing type," Shirou snarked.

"Yeah, but there won't be any for you!" Rito said. "Master will get Chachamaru-san and the blonde, I'll get Tohsaka-san and Tohsaka-san's sister too! Master doesn't want her anyway!"

Rin sighed, folding her arms. "Well, that's a relief, I guess. I was afraid that sicko would be doing perverted things to Sakura. Wait, why me?!"

"I've always, deep inside, had the long buried dream of being in a threesome with a pair of sisters...!" Devil Rito sighed dreamily, lifting his eyes to the starry sky.

Up, up, up above, Momo Belia Deviluke tensed and wondered aloud, "Why do I have the desire to visit Lala all of a sudden? Nanaaaaa! What are you doing, Nanaaaaa?"

"I'd threaten you to tell your girlfriend, but I'm sure she'd just be delighted to hear that," Rin said, her contempt growing further than she'd though possible.

"Oh, she will," Chachamaru said. "As a matter of fact, I've just recorded it for her benefit. Negi-sensei and Chamo-san will be upset, however..."

"Enough of your deviancies, enemy of all women," Saber said, leveling her Invisible Air at Rito. "Step aside or be slain by my avenging blade!"

Rito laughed like a real dumbass, spraying his watering can on the thick vines growing on the wrecked walls on both sides of the street, moving from one side to the other with deceptive speed. "Heh heh heh, no, I won't, nope nope! Taste the horticultural might of my undefeated Artifact! A staple of Japanese ecchi culture! The dreaded tentacle slaves!"

"Tentacle?!" Saber gasped, her ahoge stiffening as the vines pulsed, twitched and grew thicker and denser, literally growing erect as they rippled from the walls, occasional shuriken popping of the walls as they flexed. They rose like dozens of writhing, veiny tendrils, some kind of fluid beginning to drip from their tips in whiteish, bubbling spurts that then trickled down to the pavement.

"Can, can we even show that in a merely 'M' rated fanfic?!" Rin gasped. "We'll have to move to Archive of Our Own!"

"See, that's why you shouldn't walk around wearing a skirt that short!" her Servant scolded her.

"Look who's talking, you don't even have pants on!" Rin shot back, waving a hand full of gems and shooting a stream of flames at the first incoming barrage of vines. "When there's trouble, I'll solve it by burning it! Spontaneous Combustion!'"

"See, you watch Magical Kyoko as well!" Shirou told her, fiercely whacking at the vines swirling around his legs and trying to reach for his ass. "Gah, that's an exit, not an entrance!"

"SAKURA DOES, NOT ME!" Rin protested, burning more and more vines as Rito kept on laughing and watering everywhere, summoning more demon vegetal tentacles from between the cracked slabs and tiny windows of earth peeking through the old rubble. "VIGILANTE!"

"Working on it! I've got experience fighting mad plants, trust me!" the duck said, shielding himself with his cape while shooting at the vines surrounding him, occasionally cutting them down with the hidden saws in his golden cufflinks. "Although, in fairness' sake, Bushroot at least had some moral standards! Gizmogirl!"

Hovering at a prudent distance from the fray, Chachamaru doubted. "I'm not fond of the concept of damaging natural life like this. Perhaps we should reach some kind of understanding...?"

"Nyeh-nyeh, nyeh, I know your weaknesses, you're just too nice!" Devil Rito taunted her, holding an adorable kitten before her. "You can't hurt me while I have this!"

"... he's correct, I simply cannot!" Chachamaru excused herself.

Saber, who just stood there trembling for a moment, shaken by hideous memories of a major battle by a river, then raged like a mad lion, a massive battle aura flaring and roaring around her, the ground cracking under her feet, and the vines instinctively pulling away from her noble figure. "Even if the gods would forgive you... I WON'T!" she madly howled, then charged ahead, slashing and chopping on every vine blocking her way. "ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK!"

Artoria's Class briefly changed to Berserker.

"Iiiiih?!" Rito yelped, taken aback by the mad ferocity of the Servant's rampage, and he stumbled and fell on his back, dropping the kitten, who then angrily leapt from his belly on his face, gave him a few scratches, and then clumsily scampered aside, nose held high. As Rito rubbed his face, moaning in pain, he looked up to find himself staring between the angry Rin's legs and at her panties. He slobbered, licked his lips all the way around, wriggled his fingers... and then was kicked in the crotch by her, so hard it made him faint. "YEEEEEEEE!"

Shirou and Vigilante, sharing sympathetic cringes and covering their respective crotches instinctively, paused as the vines all suddenly lost their vigor, shriveled and fell limp around them. It was probably coincidental timing.

Saber also paused, still panting in something far too close to Mad Enhancement for anyone's comfort. Her reddened eyes slowly went back to normal and her breathing slowed down as she looked at the downed boy Rin was giving a few final punts in the ribs. "Rin," she finally said. "You should stop it already. You'll hurt him permanently..."

Artoria's Class returned to Saber.

Rin seethed one last time, pulling back and smoothing her skirt down. "Okay. Alright, I'll calm down. But you won't talk me down so easily when we get to Matou!"

"I apologize on Sempai's behalf," Chachamaru said as she picked up the kitten and warmly cradled it in her arms, petting her head. "He's not like this at all normally. That Matou individual must have changed his personality greatly through his hypnosis..."

Silence.

"Okay, sure, why not, let's go with that," Vigilante shrugged, tossing his hands up.

"I guess he can be excused, living with those two teasing turbo-ahems must be taxing for any young man's libido," Rin begrudgingly admitted.

"Maybe he should've masturbated more frequently," Saber said. "That's a big stress relief for men his age, and it helps channeling sexual frustrations instead of bottling them up. Why, if my best friend had done that instead of chasing after my— But let us discuss that at a later time," she waved the issue away. "Sakura waits for us."

Shirou nodded uneasily, awkwardly shifting his legs around. "Yeah, you're right, let's just move on and forget this happened..."

Chachamaru gave Rito's prone form one final concerned look. "I really hope you didn't break him, Tohsaka-sempai. Otherwise Haruna-san will be so disappointed... and Lala-san will probably do horrible things to you."

"It's me! Goutokuji Kaoru, making my triumphant debut...!"

BOOM! And so, the flamboyant, pompadour-topped martial artist standing in Team Rin's way was quickly blasted aside.

"DAMMIT, I'M AN ORIGINAL NEGIMA CHARACTER, I DESERVE MORE RESPECT...!"

"Halt! You've come to the end of the line! In the name of Master Shinji, I, Usui Kagero—!"

"Did you hear something?" Saber asked as they raced past the balding boy with glasses as if he wasn't even there.

Vigilante, Rin, Shirou and Chachamaru all shook their heads.

"Nope, nope, nope."

"Not me."

"Me neither."

"Maybe it was just the wind..."

"Dammit, you could at least have punched me out!" Kagero shouted after them, waving a fist but to no avail.

Next they ran into two tiny pink-haired girls coming out from between some bushes, half-naked but pulling their clothes back on in a hurry.

Team Rin came to a collective sudden halt and gave them a perplexed stare.

The twin with the short pigtails waved awkwardly. "Um, good evening, Chachamaru-chan."

"Hi..." the other twin waved from behind her sister as she tried to pull her panties back on properly.

"Nagase-san will be informed about this, I'm afraid," Chachamaru told them.

"Aw, c'mon..." Fuuka groaned.

"I'm sorry. But there must be a limit to your quest for new, unexplored places. And I'd say you already crossed that line when you came to this forbidden warzone."

Fumika blinked. "This is a warzone now? Wow, that explains all the noise. I-I thought you guys were getting out of hand..."

"You came here too!" Fuuka ignored her while accusing Chachamaru.

"...I'm older," the gynoid said.

"You're two years old, and we're even older than Chizuru!" Fuuka reminded her. "And you, Rin-sempai! Shame on you! We taught you all the nice bushes to do it in and this is how you repay us? Why, I have half a mind to tell Sakura you're bringing Einzbern-san to strange, hidden bushes and–! "

Saber sighed, slapped them both across the head, and knocked them unconscious.

"Was that really necessary?" Chachamaru asked.

"They deserved it," Saber said. "Nothing good ever comes from sex between siblings. Don't ask me how I know, but I know."

"Okaaaaayyyyy..." Vigilante's eyebrow twitched while Rin fumed and hid a mildly guilty wince. The twins really had been helpful to her and Sakura…

Shirou blinked. "I don't get it."

Saber sighed again. "Let's just keep going!"

A couple of minutes later, with the observatory tower already close enough for Saber to reach with a good enough speed boost, Vigilante suddenly tensed and jumped on Rin, tackling her to the ground. "Look out, Rin!"

"What the—!" Shirou gasped, a moment before he was likewise tackled into the dirt by Saber. Then something flew by, zooming over their heads, and impacted directly through Chachamaru's head, right between her eyes, pushing her roughly several feet back and impaling her into a large tree's trunk. "Karakuri-san!" Emiya cried.

"I'm still fully functional and operative, Sempai," Chachamaru helpfully informed, trying to dislodge the sharp tool imbedded into her face but failing to pull it free, despite her best efforts. "My central nervous system hasn't been compromised, but this weapon just won't come off, it seems. I believe it is charged with wizardry nearly comparable to Master's, I apologize..."

"Magecraft," Rin softly, instinctively corrected while Vigilante shielded her with his cape, a finger on the trigger as he squinted into the shadows.

The weapon, now Shirou got a better look at it, was a long silver nail attached to an even longer chain which dangled past Chachamaru's knees. "Additionally," the robot girl dutifully informed, "I believe the enemy Servant has just shown herself. Kuro-san was once again correct."

"You mean that's M—" Shirou blinked, turning his head around as Rin hissed and blocked his big mouth with a hand. While whispering something to him about the enemy using her Noble Phantasms if her identity was uncovered, Rin saw a tall, fascinating creature walking out of the ruins to greet them, swinging another dagger and chain ensemble in each hand. Long and silky purple hair, tight black minidress, tall boots, a blindfold; in everything, she was a perfect match for Chachamaru's hologram.

"Rider, I assume," Saber clenched her teeth, standing her ground between the newcomer and her Master.

"Saber," Rider said, her voice low and soft, not cold but devoid of warmth, more ethereal and eerily otherwordly than anything else. "And... your class would be... um... are you a familiar?"

"Vigilante!" Vigilante cried, stomping a foot down. "I'm as much of a Servant as you are, lady! A Vigilante-class Servant!"

"My apologies," Rider politely bowed, then added, "I'm here to block your way and slay you, Saber."

"Don't I get a threat of blocking and slaying of my own?!" Vigilante said.

Rider seemed to blink under the blindfold. "I was told to take care of Tohsaka Rin and her Servant..."

"I'm Tohsaka Rin's Servant!"

"..." Rider said. And then, almost sheepish, "I assumed one as prestigious as a Tohsaka would have summoned a Saber..."

"Thank you for the honor implicit in your words," Saber chivalrously said. "But this small duck, no matter his outlandish appearance, is as much of a valid Servant as you or I."

"Thanks for the support, Saber," Vigilante mumbled. "I think."

Rider still doubted, then sniffed the air, and tilted her head towards the person who smelled like the unconscious girl Mr. Matou Seaweed Head Who Looked Like That Perseus Fucker had brought into the tower.

"Yeah, well," Rin admitted. "It's a long story."

"Even so, I am willing to be your opponent," Saber said, focusing herself as her sword channeled and gathered its power. "Tohsaka's place is next to her sister, and Vigilante's place is next to his Master's. Let us fight, then, without interfering in the natural order."

"I was told—"

"Let me make it clear," Saber said, raising her tone. "I just won't let you and Vigilante fight each other unless you defeat me first!"

"I think I can fight my own fights, thank you very..." Vigilante began, not amused at all.

"She is right, though," Rin told him sternly. "Let her handle this. We're needed up there!" she added, pointing at the tower.

"I won't allow —" Rider warned, but then instinctively dodged as a rocket fist flew her way. As she rolled aside, readying her daggers, Chachamaru smiled weakly from where she remained impaled, now missing an arm from the elbow and below. Rider, somehow, managed to notice this, and without looking back, deflected the still flying fist as it turned around to try and hit her head from behind. Bashing it with her right dagger, she sent it to the ground and spun around, trying to find a better angle to defend against Saber, who had spent the last few seconds watching her to get a better reading of her as an adversary. She was faster than expected, as fast as an average Lancer if not more, though she had a tendency to keep her center of gravity as low as possible. It was brobably to keep her unspported boobs, which were swinging very freely, from getting in the way. This would make for another difficult battle.

"You go with them, Shirou," she commanded as Vigilante was all but dragged by Rin up the pathway.

"But, I can't—!" the boy started to protest.

"You know what to do if you need me!" Saber shouted. "Now go! You'll distract me!"

"No, no way, I can't!"

"Emiya-kun, you idiot, Sakura needs you too...!" Rin called out to him.

Hissing in frustration, Shirou slammed a foot down and then raced after the other two, leaving the duelists and the pinned robot behind.

Rider smiled. "You've just gotten me in trouble, Saber."

"I'm sorry your Master has to be that kind of person," Saber coldly told her.

Rider licked her daggers seductively before spinning them around as fast as she could. "My Master is a saint, the best person I have ever known, excellent in bed and a wonderful mount and ride. Mistaking him for that seaweed trash named Matou is an offense punishable with death, Saber."

Saber blinked. "What? Do you mean you're not Matou's—"

"There is another," Rider confirmed, and then gracefully leaped ahead.

"— and so my uncle made me walk in the rain all the way back home from the police station," Ikari kept on narrating in that depressing and haunted tone of his. "He never believed I had just found the bike on the sidewalk, and neither did my parents..."

"Oh, poor, poor Ikari-kun..." the moved Sakura sniffled. "It must have been so hard for you, growing up with parents who were always absent...!"

"My. Father. Divided. My. Body. Innnnn. Pieces. And. Left. Me. Forrrrrr. Dead," Monster said. "I. Had. To. Pull. Myself. Back. To. Gether."

Ikari and Tohsaka looked at her.

"Jusssst. Saying," Monster managed to say.

Matou sighed from his vantage point with the binoculars. "You three are the most fucked up people I've ever met, did you know that? Seriously, if you survive this, please get yourselves professional help! Anyway, Monster, prepare yourself. Rin-chan, her... Servant and some ginger will be dropping by any moment now."

"Sempai!" Sakura sighed. "Onee-chan!"

"So this is that Emiya guy, huh?" Matou wondered, beginning to nibble on his thumb somewhat nervously. "I didn't want to believe someone with those idiot looks could be the Magus Killer's son, but of course he'd want to pretend to be as dumb as possible. And your sister's Servant is a shapeshifter, too..."

Sakura blinked. "Shapeshifter?"

"Well, duh!" Matou tossed his hands up. "Even a washed up second rate magus wouldn't summon a duck of all things for a Servant! So tell me, what's his real identity? What do they hope to—"

"Wait, wait!" Ikari protested. "What about Rider?!"

"Ah, yeah, her," Matou said. "She's fighting another Servant, the ginger's, I imagine. From what I saw, she seems to be a Saber..."

"Saber?! You said Saber was the most dangerous class, didn't you?!"

"Don't panic, Ikari, you knew this moment would come sooner or later!" Matou angrily told him. "Be a man and trust her, will you?! Geez, what part of 'war' didn't you understand when you signed up for this? So tell me, then," he reached up to squeeze Sakura's cheeks in one hand, "your sister's Servant, who is he?"

Ikari frowned. "Matou-san, do you really think she'll tell you if you treat her this way?"

"Oh, yeah? And what do you suggest, treating her your way and hoping she won't answer like a treacherous, slutty Tohsaka would?"

"I. Think. He Means. She Can't. Even. Taaaaaalk. If you. Hold. Her. Mouth. That way, Masterrrrrr," Monster said.

"Oh, the other expert on asking questions has spoken!" Matou said. "It takes you a week to ask for an electrical recharge, what can you know about demanding info from a prisoner of war? Leave this to me and go assume your damn post, Tohsaka must be about to—"

There was a loud boom coming from the first floor of the tower, rattling the whole structure, as Rin blew the front door of the observatory and then shouted, making herself heard all the way to the top, "MAAAAATOOOUUUUU! YOU'D BETTER BE READY FOR THE BEATING OF YOUR LIFE, MATOUUUUUUU! I'M GOING TO POUND YOUR ASS SO HARD SHIT IS GOING TO COME OUT YOUR NOSE!"

"Your ass is toast, Mister," Sakura managed to say through pressed-together lips.

"See, see!" a vindicated Matou said excitedly. "She still can talk just fine, I knew it!"

On one hand, the Pactio had given Saber back some of the speed and raw power she used to have before. That was allowing her to keep up with Rider's dazzling agility better than she had handled herself against Berserker, and now that she had a better handle on how to use the boost, she found she was performing even better than against Lancer, even if part of this was probably due to Medusa being a weaker adversary than Cu Chulainn.

On the other hand, Artoria suspected this particular Rider would have remained faster than herself even if she had been operating at her peak. In that, she was certainly different from the last Rider she'd met before this war. Regardless, her attacks were also considerably weaker than those of Iskander, even though Saber suspected her enemy hadn't really begun to fight in earnest yet.

Darting from one shadow to another, bouncing between trees, rebounding between brick walls, Rider moved with the velocity of a Lancer and the stealth of an Assassin, taking advantage of the darkness and the Saber class' traditional comparative lack of long range potential to lash at Saber with her chains and daggers, missing each time but coming close constantly. Even so Saber, who was relying on a Master low in mana, experience, self-preservation instincts, brains and eloquence, thought she recognized the same signs in her fellow Servant's performance. During her life, she had learned to realize whenever an opponent, even a heavily armored one, fought wounded or otherwise indisposed (except for that Black Knight, who acted the same way no matter how many limbs he lost), and relying on a subpar Master ultimately amounted to pretty much the same thing.

Rider seemed to be using her energy sparingly, just like Artoria herself, making this a war of attrition between two rivals unable to fight at their fullest. It was certainly frustrating, even more than being unable to tag Rider directly.

And apparently Rider felt the same, as she was circling closer now, swinging her chains with more abandon, her dangerously sensual smile growing tenser by the moment. Ah-hah, thought Saber, seeing her chance. She's burning her mana even faster than I am, her Master must be even worse than Shirou, and she doesn't have a Pactio to make up for it...

Briefly, she chastised herself for thinking that way about her Master, who at least bothered to talk to her and be friendly, unlike his father, but she quickly shoved those thoughts aside for later. Waving her sword in a circular fashion over the dirt, she created a booming shock wave that spun like a miniature tornado, flying towards Medusa and hitting her midsection, forcing her back as she groaned in pain. Rider rolled with the impact and then ducked under Saber's invisible blade as the Servant of the sword thrust, aiming for her head.

Saber was reminded of Rider's self-imposed blindness taking away one of the advantages of owning an invisible weapon in the first place. Somehow, she could still feel the direction, and probably even the length, of Excalibur, regardless of Invisible Air. And a split second later, Rider proved how dangerous she could still be as she swung her chains upwards, managing to zero in on Saber's neck, and wrapping the weapons around her throat. Rider smirked evilly and pulled, tightening the deadly grip on Saber's neck.

However, Saber's fingers, almost as steely, gripped on the chains and struggled to, if not loosen them, at least prevent them from choking her further. Rolling around to avoid being strangled, she took advantage of Rider's new closeness to headbutt her, stunning the weaker Servant, and then to grab on more of the chains, pulling back in turn, tugging Medusa towards herself, and then greeting her proximity with a vicious knee to her stomach.

Gasping loudly, Medusa backed away, letting go of Saber's neck. Since now she was used, the King of Knights grabbed her by the scalp, stoically advised, "Hair that long will always be a liability in battle", and spun her around like a living flail, before tossing her away, past the trees and into a wide clearing between the ruins.

Rider landed with a heavy thud, dropping on the dirt facefirst, just before Saber leapt and landed much more gracefully on her feet right before her, leveling the invisible blade at her. The purple haired woman chuckled as she ran the back of a hand over her mouth, wiping off the thin line of red. "I'm impressed, Knight Errant. I thought Sabers relied far more on their swords than their heads, fists and knees."

"I might have grown more of a cheater over time," Saber admitted dryly. "Blame bad companies."

She lifted her sword and just as quickly brought it back down with the full intent to behead the fallen Rider, but Medusa rolled away right in the nick of time. "Rider! You only delay the unavoidable. I've brought you to a site where you can't hide in the shadows to strike at me. And you won't make it back there before I strike you down!"

Rider had to concede the point; Saber had been wise to throw her into a large area where she couldn't move from a tree, wall, or dilapidated building to another, and on plain empty ground, in a face to face confrontation, a Saber would always hold an edge over her.

Well. Time to use one of her trump cards, then.

Rider's smirk alerted Saber, who squinted, ready to close her eyes as soon as the first sign of the blindfold coming off became evident. Rider was not the only one who had trained to fight with no sight if necessary. However, to Saber's surprise, what Rider did was taking one of her daggers to her own throat, whisper a husky, "Pegasus" and slash her neck from one side to the other, in a single elegant motion.

As blood hung in the air and began to twist in a design, it dawned on Saber that, despite being told her opponent's identity, the explanation had been lacking on just what exactly Medusa's Noble Phantasm was. She had foolishly assumed it had been her petrifying stare. But… that didn't qualify you for the Rider class, did it?

And somewhere, in a castle deep in the woods, a giant of a man shook slightly. If he could vocalize a feeling beyond "gragghfewofwwegnwpnwrpibnw!", it would be that somehow, in some strange way, the world seemed a little bit more… complete.

Still pinned on the tree by the spike in her head, Chachamaru used her zoom vision to get a better view of Saber-san and Rider-san's now-distant conflict.

She really hoped they didn't kill each other. She liked Saber-san, and she could tell Rider-san might not be a bad person at all if she weren't trying to kill others in a quest for a cursed cup. Why, she had even just summoned a nice, cute white winged horse, and anyone who liked horses couldn't be that bad. Maybe she and Iinchou-san could become good friends over it.

(It's worth remembering by this point, despite being the daughter of two super geniuses, Chachamaru still remained a mostly mediocre student academically speaking, so she could be excused for not remembering who Pegasus was supposed to be. Blame Evangeline if you want to. Maybe Chachamaru would have more available time to read books and browse the internet building her own private database if she have to babysit a seven centuries old woman constantly).

On the subject of mothers, Chachamaru supposed she should be calling them right now, through the emergency transmitters in her electronic brain, but she didn't want to drag them and Negi-sensei into peril unless absolutely necessary. Ala Alba, especially, had gone through too much lately. They deserved a break, however brief.

Besides, Tohsaka-sempai had been adamant about not involving mages anymore. She needed to work on those prejudices, she really did.

As she kept on watching, a red squirrel came down the tree's branches and sniffed around the gynoid. She reached into a pocket, pulled out a large bag of nut snacks, held it in her mouth since she was missing one hand, calmly ripped its top off, dug her fingers in, and began feeding the small rodent.

Before long, Chachamaru's immobilized body was almost fully covered in feeding, loving squirrels, chipmunks and birds, moving all over her from toes to scalp.

She sighed in bliss. So nice...

A thick cloud of purple smoke appeared at the middle of the observatory's entrance hall.

"I am the terror that flaps in the night..." coldly declared the voice coming from the smoke. "I am the third entry in the movie trilogy remake of the mindscrew giant robot anime that lets you down... I am...!"

Then the door behind him was blown up from the outside. "MAAAAATOOOUUUUU! YOU'D BETTER BE READY FOR THE BEATING OF YOUR LIFE, MATOUUUUUUU! I'M GOING TO POUND YOUR ASS SO HARD SHIT IS GOING TO COME OUT YOUR NOSE!" Rin screamed furiously while storming in.

Vigilante sighed. "You know, Master, it's unfair of you to do this to me after I took the time to get around the wards like that, so as to guarantee ourselves a safe and, mostly, cool entrance..."

Rin ignored him altogether as she stomped around the wide deserted chamber, each hand full of glinting gems. "Matou, be a gorramn man and come out to face me! And make sure to bring Sakura with you, safe and sound, or else!"

Shirou sighed as he walked in. "Tohsaka, believe me, I'm mad at this guy too, but... are you sure antagonizing him like this is going to help Sakura at all? I don't know, what happened to negotiating?"

"Well," Vigilante frowned, carefully looking in all directions, "I don't think we can expect for any good will or honor from this guy. If we were to negotiate with him, odds are he's just betray us anyway. Still, Master, there's a difference between preparing for the worst and provoking him further, you know! You're better than this! You're acting like a bestselling brainless shounen manga protagonist!"

Rin seethed, trying to calm herself down. "... all right," she said from between clenched teeth. "Matou, I know you can hear us. You know we know you've tricked Sakura, and we aren't going to fall for the same thing. Still, I am better than that, and I swear on my family's honor, if you just release my sister right now, I'll be a good sport and walk away without killing you or your Servant. I don't care about any of the prior bad blood between the Matous and the Tohsakas; what was done was done, and we haven't ever bothered to go after any of you during all these years, despite what happened to Sakura. I'd like to think you can be a smart man and do the same."

An obnoxious loud laugh came to them from upstairs.

"... there was nothing smart at all about that laugh," Rin muttered.

"Do you think you can come into my domain throwing those threats at me when you only brought a duck and a ginger with you, Tohsaka?" Shinji's voice resounded through the observatory. "You're even dumber than I thought! Why should I even think of surrendering my hostage to someone who just walked into my trap?"

"Because it's the humane thing to do?" Shirou asked.

There was a beat.

"Okay, Ginger, that'll be enough," Shinji's voice finally said. "There's no need for you to keep trying to fool me like that, really. I mean, I appreciate the effort, but I know who your father was."

"What was that supposed to mean?" Shirou asked, frowning.

"Well, no way the son of the Magus Killer Kiritsugu, the meanest, dirtiest, most cheating, most morally broken motherfucker in the world of magic, would really be such a naive bleeding heart..."

"MAAAAATOOOUUUUU! YOU'D BETTER BE READY FOR THE BEATING OF YOUR LIFE, MATOUUUUUUU! I'M GOING TO POUND YOUR ASS SO HARD SHIT IS GOING TO COME OUT YOUR NOSE!" Shirou bellowed while foaming from the mouth.

Somewhere, Negi Springfield sneezed. Yes, we're still doing the sneeze gag. It's been years, you'd think you'd be resigned to this by now.

"There we go," Shinji said, sounding self-satisfied.

Vigilante's right eyebrow twitched. "Does this mean Sakura's kidnapping doesn't make you as angry as— Oh, never mind!" He threw up his hands. "Listen, Laughing Boy! First of all, this isn't 'your domain'! You're illegally squating on ground that belong to Mahora Academy! Second, you obviously know nothing about families if you think all children turn out like their parents! It's completely possible for a fearsome and formidable agent of dark justice like Emiya's father to have a dense, barely useful son who is too innocent as to use deceit and trickery!"

"Exactly!" Shirou nodded vigorously, then blinked. "... wait, would you mind saying that again?"

"Third!" Vigilante remarked. "You're breaking one of the greatest rules of Magi! Shame on you! I used to date a witch, and I've fought many technology using evildoers, and I can tell when someone's projecting their voice through magic and when they're doing it through tech! And mister, the slight crackling in your voice is unmistakable! You're speaking through a microphone!"

Rin gasped. "Matou! Just when I thought you couldn't sink any lower!"

"Th-That's wrong, you're lying, I'm so totally using magic!" Shinji protested. "I didn't wire this place! I know nothing about electronics! And I'm not the same Matou Shinji from the Extella CCC gaming community either! I don't know the first thing about videogames or any other electronic things! I get all my porn from skin mags!"

Rin sneered in disgust. "... you're the worst disgrace ever to our community!"

Shirou sweatdropped. "No, seriously, what's so bad about being able to use basic tech like any other normal person?"

"Sh-Sh-Shut up, normie! Don't call me 'normal'!" Shinji panicked audibly. "Monster! Go down there and destroy them already!"

Shirou blinked. "Monster? Is that even a real Class, or—"

Then something dropped through the ceiling— through several upper floors, actually— to violently land on their feet before them, making the floor tremble and crackle. Vigilante sneered, gesturing at the teens to pull back as he aimed his gas gun at the newcomer, an oddly attractive female wearing elaborate bridal attire and holding a gigantic mace sparkling with electricity. For some reason her tiara had a mangled appearance, like someone had used a bolt cutter to cut off something on the front.

"See, see!" Rin said. "Even your Servant is technological in nature, Matou! A robot! You summoned some sort of weird Terminator!"

"Eh?" Shirou blinked. "A robot? Why'd you say that, Tohsaka? What about this girl says 'robot!' to you?"

"Emiya-kun, just look at those metallic things coming out the sides of her head!"

"Maybe they're just some accessories?"

"Oh, next you'll be saying Karakuri-san's robot ears are only 'accessories' too!"

"Wait, what?!" Shirou gasped. "Karakuri-san is a robot, for real?! I thought she was something normal, like an immortal magically empowered by Evangeline-san!"

"... Evangeline?" Shinji's voice asked, suddenly shifting from outrage to a faint hint of incoming horror.

Through her heavy bangs, Monster shared a look of mutual compassion and sympathy with Vigilante. It said a world's worth of commiseration on the subject of having complete and total morons for Masters.

It only lasted a moment, however, and then they attacked each other.

"Master!" Vigilante said, once again ducking, no pun intended, under another swing of Monster's mace, then attempting a leg seep she nimbly leapt over, despite her weight, which was more than conveyed by her appearance. "I'll take care of Matou's Servant! You and Emiya go up there and rescue Sakura, will you?"

"Eh?" Shirou doubted even as Rin bit on her lower lip and nodded. "You sure about that, Vigilante-san? Isn't she too m—"

"There's nothing you can bring to a fight between Servants, go!" the caped Servant growled, shooting another gas pellet that Monster deflected with her mace, sending it flying against a distant wall, where it exploded on impact. "You'll only get in the way here!"

"Let's go, Emiya-kun," Rin urged, grabbing him by a sleeve and all but pulling him with her upstairs. "He's right, we have to leave this to him."

"But—!" Shirou began to protest, distracted by the battle raging below.

"Listen," Rin whispered angrily to him as they ran, "if push comes to shove, now you can summon Saber to your side without wasting a Command Seal, so we have an excellent ace under the sleeve. But first, let's see what Matou has in store for us up there."

"Shouldn't we be more careful about storming up like this?" Shirou argued, taking the lead over her now so he'd be on the receiving end of whatever came their way first.

Rin frowned at that. "I doubt he's made so much effort to bring us to him if he didn't want to deal with us personally. This is a family vendetta. He wants to see my face, and Sakura's, when he enacts his final revenge. Even though he's got nothing to avenge himself about!"

"It's a matter of principle!" Shinji's disembodied voice said.

"You wouldn't recognize a set of principles if it came to bite you in the ass!" Rin barked to him, "You just wait, Sakura! Your Oneechan's on the way! You're almost out of there now!"

All the way up in the telescope chamber, Sakura sighed dreamily. "Nee-san!"

"Um," Ikari doubted. "So what do we do now, Matou-sempai?"

"You don't get to do anything, what could you possibly bring to the table? A giant robot?" Matou sneered, carefully combing his seaweed back with slightly trembling hands. "Just sit back and enjoy the show, Ikari-kun. To deal with mere mortals, Servants aren't needed. The final lackey I've hypnotized will suffice. Sagara!" he called out.

"Sagara?" Sakura blinked. Now that Monster was gone, she had gone back to frantically work on freeing her wrists without their captors noticing, and she almost was done too, but the mention of this name had given her pause.

There was a slight creaking and whirring coming from a corner of the chamber, and Sakura shuddered. One of the old exhibitions, one set under a wide, once colorful banner reading 'Bonta-kun Welcomes You to the World of Stargazing!' had a large licensed mascot character in display, an old fashioned cartoon mouse with tan hide and an oddly testicularly-shaped mouth. Now it was coming to life as some sort of bizarre Frankenstein creature waking up into the world.

Sakura cringed. She remembered that mouse from some American anime from her childhood, and those cartoons had been tacky!

Oh, yes, the fact it apparently was some sort of monstrosity arranged to kill her sister and her second romantic interest unnerved her too.

"... Bonta-kun?" Ikari blinked a few times, clearly perplexed and more than a bit disgusted. "Sempai, I think we might have gone a bit too far by now... corrupting the wholesome familiar image of Bonta-kun is where I draw the line! We have sinned beyond redemption now!"

"That's not the real Bonta-kun, Ikari, that's just Sagara the local gun-nut in a Bonta-kun suit he turned into a mecha..." Matou sighed, waving a hand at him. "I figured he'd come in handy, and what better end for a magus summoning a cartoon duck than being killed off by a cartoon mouse?"

"That's just wrong!" Ikari shouted.

"Well, I'll admit a cartoon rabbit would have made more sense, but I couldn't find a bunny suit in time. Actually, I found several of the Playboy variety, but like, who wants to see Sagara in one of those...?"

"I think I kind of do," Sakura mused, getting the strangely enticing image of the mysterious oddball bad boy in skintight Playboy gear in her mind now.

"You can't turn Bonta-kun, the only friend from my childhood other than the Red-Haired Girl, into a murderer!" Ikari furiously demanded. "He taught me Math! He taught me the alphabet! He spent more time with me than my parents ever did!"

"Ikari, again," Matou retorted, bopping his fist on Bonta-kun's forehead, the suited up figure pulling a revolver in each hand, "this isn't Bonta-kun, it's a deranged dude in an old smelly suit! Bonta-kun doesn't even exist!"

"Shut up shut up shut up!" Ikari wailed, covering his ears with both hands, before rushing ahead to swing a fist at Matou. "I knew I couldn't expect for anything good from a guy named Shinji!"

Sighing, Matou snapped his fingers and, right before Ikari's fist could impact on his face, Bonta-kun headbutted the smaller boy into unconsciousness.

"... oi!" Ikari said before dropping down with blank eyes.

"Thank you, Sagara," Matou smirked, fixing the collar of his jacket. "I guess I should've done this from the start. I'll just have to steal his seals and Rider now, then."

Sakura sneered. "How does a simp like you hope to sustain two Servants at once?"

"They can always consume souls," Matou commented casually, chilling Sakura to her core. He frowned at her. "Oh, don't look at me like that. I'm not that bad. When I become master of all I survey I'll compensate the families or something."

Sakura struggled to swing at him with a kick again, only to keep on failing. As Matou laughed at her, however, Bonta-kun came behind her, gave her a discreet push, and she managed to kick Shinji in the face a second time.

"ET TU, SAGARA?!" Shinji demanded of Bonta-kun from the floor.

"Fumoffu fumoffu fumoffu. Fumoffu!" Bonta-kun explained.

Shinji was about to reply with something fittingly colorful and insulting, but then the chamber's door exploded from the outside.

Next: The Nameless Hero.

TAIGA DOJOOOOOO!

"Hey there!" Taiga-sensei greeted, slamming her shinai on the dojo's floor. "It's time for another lesson from your dear teacher! Today with me, Special Student Number Two, Yuuki Mikan-chan!"

Standing to the side with slumped shoulders, looking absolutely miserable in her tight, black gym bloomers and P.E. blouse, Mikan was muttering, "I'd dodged the bullet so far, not fair... More than forty chapters across several different fanfics set in the same continuity, and not even once I have to do any fanservice..."

"Well, that's the fate of any To Love Ru character," Sensei philosophically said. "You can outrun it for a while, but ultimately you can't escape it, and that's another valuable lesson on its own right."

"That's easy for you to say when you aren't a fanservice character!"

"Are you saying I'm not sexy? Bah, nonsense and slander! You'd better stop complaining and ask the question for tonight's segment!"

"Okay..." Mikan sighed, pulling an unfolded letter out of somewhere. "Taiga-sensei, how come a complete failure of a non-magus unheroic loser weenie like Ikari Shinji could, on his first try, manage to summon a Servant like Rider? Wait, what's any of this supposed to mean? I don't get it."

"That's an excellent question, Mikan-chan!" Taiga nodded, rubbing her own chin grandly. "You see, we could simply say the author was spinning random junk out while first writing the Fate segments of Unequally, just for kicks, and that he's now writing this spinoff as a way to make sense of them. But! It's been established since the very first chapter of Unequally, time has been resetting and looping itself continuously, dragging our souls into a continued cycle of reincarnations!"

Mikan blinked. "Wait a second, what are you saying?!"

"In one of those bizarre iterations of our time/space continuum, Ikari Shinji-kun might have been a pilot for an abnormal gigantic monstrosity made in blasphemous image of God's angels! And he might have gotten himself involved in the end of the world as we knew it, triggering supernatural world ravaging forces beyond our paltry understanding!"

"... you lost me."

Taiga gestured wildly. "Third Impact! Coming face to face with powers that would reshape reality, the boy might have been tainted by their touch, leaving forces lingering in him past the barriers of time! Accessing that on an unconscious level might, and I'm saying just might, have granted him enough mana and enough of a connection to the Root, the Source of all that there is, as to allow him the summoning of a semi-divine spirit like Medusa, the misunderstood Gorgon!"

"... okay?"

Taiga shrugged with a kittenish smirk. "No matter what, however, in no continuity has he ever held the Lance of Longinus himself, and even if he did, there's no way a Lancer like him could ever be a match for Saber, that's just plain silly and makes zero sense! I mean, Saber defeated me in swordplay, what chance could he have?"

Mikan backed away from her slowly. "Can I go now? Please?"

"Next time on Taiga Dojo with my lovely co-hostess Mikan-chan! We will discuss more great mysteries of the Holy Grail War! So don't miss it, and eyes on the Grail! Rowr!"

"You mean I have to do this again?!"