"You're so skinny..." Shirou said, looking up and down at the younger Master. "What does your mother feed you with?"

"Um, actually, my parents are always overseas working. I have a special license to live alone," Ikari-kun said.

"I see..." a troubled Shirou said. He looked at Rider. "What do YOU feed him with, then?"

"No, Master is the one who cooks at home," Medusa answered.

Shirou grew rigid like a plank.

"You have done WHAT?!" Saber demanded, as Shinji and Rider sat at their table and Shirou served an extra large helping on Shirou's plate.

"This is part of helping those in need as a hero of justice!" Emiya said.

"But what will the Headmaster say?!" Saber protested.

"It'll be fine! He won't mind! It's a favor to my father!"

"I'm sure he doesn't owe Kiritsugu THAT many favors, at least not by now!" the blonde said.

"I like your room better than mine, let's trade," Rider calmly told her, taking her acceptance as a given.

Fate and all related elements and characters are the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.

All other characters and franchises mentioned within this story are the intellectual property of their respective trademark and copyright holders.

Fate: Unequally Blade Works.

Chapter Six: Medusa.

"Father!" Mordred slammed the door of Artoria's new bedroom open just as the latter was finishing moving her boxes in. "I just heard it from Rider! You have given the best room in the house to HER and not ME, your legit heir?!"

"... I was unaware that you would be staying as well," the older Saber said icily.

"Well, Master hasn't finished his research yet and he's an old colleague of this Kiritsugu guy, so your Master told him that he'd be welcome... but you are changing the issue! It is me who should have received that room!"

"You never asked for it."

"The King I knew could see his subjects' needs from a single glance!"

"Obviously I couldn't, or else they wouldn't have turned against me!" Artoria said, irritated.

And Mordred blinked, confused. "Is that character development?"

"Forget about that! The best room in the house is Shirou's anyway!"

Mordred paused. "... oh. That would make sense, wouldn't it? Well, I wouldn't kick a house owner out of his own room, but I suppose that I could sleep with him..."

"Absolutely not!"

"We're both men, it doesn't matter!"

Artoria sighed. "Fine. If I give you this, the third best room in the house, will you stop complaining?"

Mordred nodded. "I'm a reasonable man after all."

"Fine. Take me to your former room then, and I'll move in there..."

Artoria squirmed to fit better into the broom closet she'd been given to set her futon in. "I'm sure we had better rooms than this!" she murmured to herself.

What am I Good For?

"Vigilante, we're going to have dinner with Emiya-kun!" Rin called out while pulling a jacket on. "Look after the house for us, okay?"

The duck Servant materialized, blinked. "Eh? Am I not coming along? That's my duty!"

"No, Monster is coming with us," Rin said while Fran materialized next to Sakura. "We're only going to discuss strategies with him and Saber, it's not like we're going to have a H-scene! But the house can't be left alone, any enemy Servants might sneak in and wreck everything!"

And so, the three women in the house were gone.

Vigilante blinked as he just stood there.

Then he ran a hand down his face. "I can tell I'm not wanted in this story... It's not my fault I was written in! That wasn't my call, you know!"

Rin peeked back in. "By the way, be helpful and leave the breakfast ready for tomorrow, all right? We might have to sleep late after all that negotiating! Bye!"

She closed after herself, and then she was actually gone.

Vigilante blinked again. "..."

Finally, he headed for the phone. "Hello? I want to order two large pizzas with everything, a super size Cola, and a chocolate cake. You'll leave them on the doorstep of this address I'll be giving you, and you can charge it to this account... Let's see..." he hummed, reaching over for the sisters' phone agenda.

"So, where's the breakfast?" Rin asked, looking quizzically at her Servant as he rested on the couch binging Netflix and munching on some chocolate cake.

"I think there's some leftover pizza in the fridge, you can reheat it before going to school..." he said indifferently.

We Could be Changing the World.

Saber, Saber, Rider, Monster and Vigilante sat around the lunch table, bored out of their minds.

"There must be something we all can enjoy doing together, other than killing each other," Artoria said after a while. "This is no way to waste a second chance at life."

"You know, it occurs to me that even without wishing on the Grail, we could be changing the world," Vigilante mused. "We are blessed with abilities and power far beyond those of humans-"

"You are a duck," Mordred reminded him.

Vigilante clenched his beak and ignored her stoically. "- so we should be using those gifts to go out there and make a difference! This world needs guiding lights in these troubled times!"

"I thought you were a creature of darkness," Medusa said apathetically.

"You understand the principle!"

"Uuuu?" Fran said, which translates as 'I am the Monster of Frankenstein and I cannot show my face in public without being hounded by mobs welding torches, so why should I bother?'

"What she said, basically," Medusa nodded.

"Ah, yeah, all of that," Mordred said. "I'll do it as soon as I'm King."

"You are a very young Heroic Spirit, aren't you?" Artoria told Vigilante. "I admire your reserves of hope, but believe me, for some of us, the best we can do is fade away like the mistakes of history we are..."

"Seriously, what the hell happened to you?" her son asked. "You used to be cool, Father!"

"YOU happened!"

Rider and Monster, each sitting at a side of her, slapped her across the back of her head.

"What, what was that for?!" Artoria demanded, rubbing her head.

"See, even they can see you for the neglectful abusive father you are, and they've just met me!" Mordred said, feeling reinvidicated.

"They are my enemies too, I'm sure that colors their judgement!" Artoria argued.

"I am your ally," Vigilante said, "and I also think that's no way to address your child..."

Mordred struggled not to sniffle. "You understand! You are worth your title after all! See, Father, even a duck is smarter than you!"

"On second thought..." Vigilante began.

In the end they settled with playing football to spend their time. Since there were only five of them, Vigilante was made the referee after some discussion on whether to make him the ball or not.

Little Brother Instinct.

"Still looking for a way to save Illya, huh?" Chisame asked sympathetically, setting the bags of groceries by the door and taking her shoes off.

Negi was still sitting where they'd left him, with his sleeves rolled up and a huge stack of books by his side. If anything, the pile seemed to have grown taller in the absence of Chisame and Satomi. "Yes. Master doesn't know how to make homunculi, the principles behind her dolls are vastly different, but she still lent me some books that might shed light on the subject. I took the rest from the hidden sections of Library Island..."

"And Skuld?" Matoi asked, appearing behind Chisame.

"Not her field of expertise, either," Negi sighed. "She says that creating organic life, as opposed to robotic life, would be playing God."

The three girls stared at him. "..."

"That is, God as her father, not 'a god' generally speaking," Negi explained.

"Is that a real issue?" Satomi asked. "As long as her brain doesn't suffer organic degeneration along the rest of her body, all I would need to do is cut it out and put it in a robot body."

Negi, Chisame and Matoi stared at her now.

Satomi smiled smugly. "I'm confident in my capacity to achieve that!"

Negi sighed. "I'm not sure, her brain should suffer the same degree of decay as everything else, but... we'll keep it in mind as an option."

Chisame scowled. "I guess that makes sense as a last resort, but... isn't this the kind of thing that should be approved by her first?"

"Can you put me in an adult body with big breasts?" asked Illya's voice, from where she was in the bedroom, resting on her stomach in Negi's bunk and reading a manga.

"Sure, that wouldn't be a real issue," Hakase said.

"And could I have rocket fists? And repulsor jets in my feet?"

"As long as you supply the funds, sure thing, why not?"

Chisame turned back for the door. "That's it. For my own safety, I'm asking for that transfer to Tomobiki right now..."

My Big Little Sister Can't be this Cute.

"So Illya is staying with you?" Misora asked over lunch.

"Yeah," Chisame said. "Negi is running tests on her and he says she'll be safer in the dormitories than in the old castle away from everyone..."

Gilgamesh walked into the fortress with his hands in his pockets and looked all around. "Hmmm. Kirei has a lot of explaining to do. The King's time is not to be wasted..."

He headed for the kitchens. "I wonder if they have wine stashed somewhere...?"

"And, and you're okay with Berserker just hanging around?!" Misora panicked.

"He spends all the time in his astral form, not like he would fit inside otherwise..."

"Even so!" Misora said. "Who knows if he looks at you while invisible! Even in the shower!"

"I don't think he has enough of a mind to care about that..."

"Chisame, he's a Greek! And the son of Zeus! Even I know what that means!" Misora waved her arms. "What good is there from having them in your apartment?!"

Sayoko walked in. "Chisame-sama, I bought you the pastries you wanted," she said, handing her a small wrapped package. "I also brought some for Tsunetsuki-sama," she added, extending another package towards a nearby tree.

A short haired blur of motion moved to Sayoko, snatched the gift with a grumbling "Thank you" and quickly retreated back behind the tree.

"I also washed, dried and ironed all of your clothes, prepared dinner, and found and threw out all of Chamo's cigarette stashes," the maid informed, bowing at Hasegawa.

Chisame looked at the perplexed Misora. "Actually, there are a few upsides..."

Miss Kobayashi and the Early Bird Cameo.

"Emiya-kun, I don't think she can leave for home in that state..." Otoko-san said as they looked at the pink haired slim woman with glasses, almost comatose and resting on the bar of the Copenhagen, with an empty glass in a hand. "But Father says that he'll kick her out if she won't stand up and leave on her own..."

Shirou sighed. The work of a helpful hero never ended...

Not that he would have it any other way, but the people back at home might think differently about what he was about to do.

"She isn't going to stay here, is she?" Artoria asked while Shirou and Rider carried the hiccuping, fixed-eyed woman towards a futon in a room that was better than the broom closet.

"I told you already, no, she isn't!" her Master said. "She has her own apartment, she'll leave by the morning!"

"Maybe it would help if I just suctioned some of the alcohol out of her system..." Medusa offered.

"You are just looking for any excuse to suck her blood!" the Saber pointed out.

Kobayashi burped while being set down on the futon. "No, this is not needed, I can drive myself home..." she slurred, still not giving any signs of actually recognizing anyone in the room. "Well, I could if I had a car..."

"This wreck actually could pay herself an apartment?" Artoria asked, crouching down and poking her forehead with a finger, only to see if she reacted. She didn't.

"She's apparently well paid enough, if all she spends in the pub every week is any indication," Shirou said.

"You know what, Saber," Rider said, "I think both of us have better chances of surviving past the Grail War than her."

"Sadly, I must concur..."

At the breakfast table, Taiga was frowning at Kairi. "So, how did you get those scars?" she coldly asked this man who claimed to be an old friend of Kiritsugu.

"It was in Gotham," the man began reminiscing, "I was just walking down a street minding my own business when suddenly I heard a laugh and-"

He was interrupted by two loud shrieks of surprise coming from the bathroom. Taiga looked at Shirou now. "Did you bring Kobayashi again?"

Shirou threw his hands up while Rider rushed off to help Shinji. "You know how she can get! Damn, I really should have told Shinji about her, too... My bad."

"Is this a frequent occurrence?" Artoria asked, quite worried.

"Why do you think I didn't give you that room?" her Master asked in turn. "We have to keep it in reserve for emergencies like this..."

Different Strokes.

Lancer walked out the kitchen. "Hey, Master," he said casually, seeing Bazett all but slumped over the phone with a miserable expression. "What happened?"

Without saying a word, the redhead pressed a button on the phone.

"Good morning, Ms. Mc Remitz," Negi's voice said. "Sorry to bother you, but there's been several recent developments that you should know of. We have located Rider and she and her Master are living with Emiya-san. So is another Saber and her Master, from another Grail War currently developing in Europe. And Illya is staying with me since I am going to find a way to prevent her from becoming the Grail's vessel. This is all I can tell you through this line, the rest of it is delicate so we would need talking in private. Please call me back when you can."

Lancer grinned. "And what's wrong with all of that? It sounds awesomely challenging!"

Bazett only groaned.

Weren't we Supposed to be Having a War?

When Artoria peeked out, startled by the abrupt rise of prana in the area, she saw Mordred, in armor, and Lancer battling it out in the backyard.

"Don't worry, they're just sparring," Medusa said, sitting on the back porch with Vigilante and eating Cheesy Poofs. Fran was splayed a few steps apart from them, napping in the warmth like a big lazy guard dog. "The truce is still in effect."

"You aren't bad!" Mordred laughed, as blade and spear collided, sending sparks everywhere. "If you survive this, make sure to stop by Trifas! Whether as an enemy or ally, it would make for an interesting experience!"

Lancer grinned, flash stepping aside and attacking the knight from another angle. "You aren't bad yourself, but that thing makes you slow on your feet! Why don't you try fighting without it?"

"Take it off through force if you can!" Mordred challenged, taking advantage of his proximity to cut him in a flank, a wound that was only surface level as he moved back too fast for her.

"... he could have at least knocked before coming to see what was happening," Artoria said blandly, as she took a handful from Rider's bag without asking for permission.

"Your own fault, you have lowered your guard too much and now anyone can just enter your domain at will and do whatever they want," Rider said just as flatly, pulling the bag from her.

The older Saber frowned and then ducked, as Lancer's latest spear sweep sent Mordred flying over her head and into the house, crashing through a wall.

"GAHHH!" Shirou's voice screamed. "What the-?!"

"Aah ha ha ha ha!" Mordred's voice resounded. "I like you the best out of everyone in this War, Lancer...!"

"Good to see someone is having a good time at the very least," Vigilante observed, quietly scratching Fran's scalp.

The Terrible Mana Transfer.

All of the Servants gathered so far sat around the table while everyone else in the house did their best to stay in another room pretending they weren't home.

"So both of your Masters are completely incompetent as Magi," Lancer told Medusa and Artoria. "How do you recharge mana then?"

Artoria scoffed. "She drains innocents out of their blood, can you imagine that...?"

"Actually, that's only when Master's mana reserves prove insufficient for large scale tasks," Rider said. "Otherwise, he supplies me himself."

Mordred blinked. "Him? But how does he..." Then she winced, visibly disgusted. "EEEEWWWWW!"

"Our bonds are pure and noble and I regret nothing," Rider declared firmly.

"How old is he, thirteen?!" Mordred demanded.

"He'll be fifteen next month. That reminds me, I need to pick a good gift for him soon, in the event I don't survive the War..."

Mordred waved a hand at her. "Away with you! You sicken me, you should have found a better way, just like Father!" Then she paused and asked Artoria, with a markedly chilling tone, "Because you haven't gone that far with a mere commoner, have you? I refuse to believe that from you..."

"Of course I wouldn't take advantage of Shirou," Artoria said, offended. "Semen isn't the only body fluid that can be used for mana transfers."

Lancer raised an eyebrow. "Wait, I've fought you. Are you seriously telling me that you can keep a level like that working only through saliva?"

Artoria sighed, then clapped. "Negi, Chisame!" she called out. "Could you come here for a moment, please?"

Breathing out with resignation, the two young visitors walked in from the next room and stopped before the Saber.

Artoria reached behind Chisame and pulled Matoi out, seemingly from nowhere.

"Ah!" Lancer gasped. "You were there?!"

"Yes, alwHHHHMMMPHHH!" she said as Artoria mashed her lips against hers.

Mordred's eyes bugged out through the helmet.

While Matoi was still dizzy and drained, Artoria grabbed Chisame methodically next and kissed her in the mouth as well.

Mordred began hiccuping desperately, twitching.

Finally, Artoria grabbed Negi and Frenched him deeply.

Mordred fell back and convulsed, calling for her mother.

"Thank you, that will be all for now," Artoria said primly, gently setting Negi back and wiping her mouth with a tissue. She smiled softly at Lancer. "Not a single supply of saliva. A general must learn to rely on the whole of their forces, after all."

"Hey, I'm not judging, I was his age when I had my son," Lancer shrugged it off.

Vigilante looked down at Mordred, then grabbed her helmet. "Let me take this thing off," he said sympathetically. "Looks like you're about to suffocate in there."

"NO! I DON'T WISH FOR MY FACE TO BE SEEN EVER AGAIN...!"

Predictably Enough...

Negi approached Lancer. "Cu Chulainn, Sir, might I ask you something, please?"

"Just call me Lancer, lad. It's what I am now, after all."

"Oh," the boy paused. "Thank you for allowing me this familiarity..."

"It's not about familiarity, Rider and Second Saber don't know my true name yet and they could overhear you," the spearman in blue said. "What is it?"

"Um, well. As I understand, part of your legend involves your vast knowledge of ancient runes, which can be used even to predict the future and read events happening far away, so I was wondering if you could... I mean, my father has been lost for years, and..."

"Oh, that. Sorry, but no. Not only did my predictions always come out a bit fuzzy... or else I wouldn't have done many of the things I did in life... but as a Lancer, my knowledge on how to use runes is kind of restricted. If I'd been summoned as a Caster, sure thing."

"I see," he breathed out, sounding as if he'd been expecting that. "Thanks for answering regardless. Ah, you also mentioned having a child when you were my age..."

"Those were different times," the Lancer cautioned. Then he looked up and down at Negi. "But seeing the kind of girls you surround yourself with, I can understand why you'd want my advice on the subject."

Negi blushed. "It's, it's not that...!"

Lancer shrugged. "But I'm afraid I can't help you there, either. I never was the best of fathers, you know? Hell, I ended up killing the poor boy, but I can tell you what NOT to do, and it's what I did. Never get away from your children, no matter what, no matter how logical it can seem, no matter how troublesome the mother can get. Clench your teeth and bear it for the child's sake. Or else you'll end up skewering them someday in a fight since you couldn't recognize them."

"Do you think that's what MY father might end up doing to me someday?" Negi asked, a bit worried now.

"I have no way of knowing, but all the same, wearing protective armor until you find him should not hurt..."

"Okay, that almost makes sense, but even here?" Chisame frowned as they sat at the dinner table, back at the apartment. "Do you really think he'll just walk in through that door and challenge you to a duel?"

"The ways of great powerful men often can seem strange and erratic, but there is always tragic gravity to them," Negi said, wearing his new suit of armor as he buttered his bread. "Better safe than sorry..."

"No brother of mine is going to teach classes dressed like that!" Illya protested. "They'll brand us as a family of lunatics!"

That is How He Thinks.

"Why are you actually doing this?" Illya asked him.

Negi sighed, still comparing the two sheets of research he was currently entangled into. "I've told you already, you're my sister..."

"So you wouldn't be doing this if I were a complete stranger?" she asked, turning around so she wasn't lying on her stomach on his bed, but sitting on it.

"Yes, of course I would, because that's the decent thing to do..." Negi said patiently.

"Then," she said, "you aren't doing it because I'm your sister."

Negi actually took a moment to frown at her.

"And I actually still am a complete stranger to you," Illya said. "One that tried to kill you, even."

"One shouldn't hold grudges against family members," Negi lectured.

"Does that, too, apply to non-relatives?" Illya prodded him. "Because then that's another thing where our bloodties actually don't have anything to do with it."

"Why do you want to stop him from saving you so badly?" Chamo asked from the floor.

"Silence, you," she said. She told Negi, "Your posture is very hypocritical. You aren't actually doing this because you care about our actual ties, which don't exist past a biological connection that you didn't even know existed. You're just doing it because it's the thing that you were taught is right, and because you wouldn't feel good about yourself if you ignored it. In the end, it's only about you."

"That," Chamo observed, "is the real reason why you are here."

She looked down at him. "What?"

The ermine chuckled. "He doesn't need to have you here 24/7 to perform his research, you know? And Berserker can just repel anyone who attacks your castle."

Negi rasped. "We can't be sure of that..."

Chamo continued. "But he wants to know you better, he really wants to. He's the kind who yearns to love, and he wants his every word about your relationship to actually become true. So it's not about his duty, but about actual feelings shared between you. He wants to come to love you as much as he loves Nekane. So yeah, it still is about you, and what the two of you could come to share. Trust me. I know how he thinks, better than anyone!"

Negi said nothing, taking a page from Chisame's book and refusing to make eye contact as he kept on working.

Illya looked at him for a while, and then said, "In that case, I guess I could just leave right now..."

Negi tensed up.

"But I don't want to," Illya decided, flopping back down on the bed. "Maybe you aren't selfish, but I am. And this place may be tiny, but I still kind of like it for some reason. I will stay even if I am a bother!"

Negi smiled. "Welcome home, stranger."

A Nightmare in Mahora Street.

"There's something I have to ask you," Negi said hesitantly. He was well aware that that was starting this conversation off in what had to be one of the worst of all possible ways.

"Then ask," replied Nagi, smiling calmly, gently at him.

For a moment, he considered Nagi Springfield, the Thousand Master. His father. A man only slightly taller than Itoshiki-sensei, and-

"Negi-sensei, I heard you just found your father!" Aijo Rentarou said happily, entering the room. "Congratulations on... on... on..."

Negi's eyes widened as he looked at the way Rentarou and Nagi had just locked gazes.

Low, sensuous music began filling the room...

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Negi screamed, bolting up on the bed.

Illya, who had been sleeping in the same bunk in a totally non sexual way, for real people, blinked several times, forcing herself to wake up. "Wha? Wha? What happened!?"

While Negi trembled and hugged his legs, Chisame grumbled from her own bunk. "He must've been having that dream about Aijo-senpai again... Honestly, I miss the days when he only had nightmares about his burning village..."

At This Rate, They'll Grow Guts.

Shirou was practicing Reinforcing in his room like Evangeline had told him to, when he saw Artoria pass by his open door, holding a metal cutting saw in a hand.

His curiosity piqued, he followed her to Kiritsugu's shed, where she grabbed a long discarded steel tube and began sawing it to pieces, all of it. When it was fully reduced to over two dozen metallic rings, she gathered them all and walked away. Shirou, still mute on the subject, followed her again.

Behind the house, Shirou saw her distributing the rings between herself, Mordred, Rider, Vigilante and Lancer. Then they all lined up and began taking turns throwing the rings at the long forehead horn of Monster, who sat stoically on the grass.

Shirou walked back inside, mildly perplexed. He sat down next to Kairi-san, who was doing maintenance on his guns.

"Maybe Tohsaka is right, this inactivity is doing things to them…"

Mana Mia!

Shinji sat at the kotatsu doing nothing at all, with his gaze lost into the distance and an extremely pale face.

Shirou looked at him from a distance and then went to sit down next to Kairi-san, who was studying through a book he'd borrowed from Library Island's classified section.

"I'm worried for Ikari-san," the young man said. "No matter how much I feed him, he keeps getting even paler and skinnier…"

"Your own fault," the bigger man said gruffly.

"Mine? Why?!"

"You told Rider she couldn't go out and drink blood anymore," the mercenary explained. "So where do you think she gets all of her mana now?"

Shirou blinked, and then saw a pleasantly smiling Rider pass by, wearing a light white robe and holding a bath basket in her hands. He thought he could hear her humming sweetly to herself.

Shirou facepalmed.

"You can't save everyone," Kairi said, "it's time you learned that, just like your father did…"

"Please shut up."

Ruler.

Saber, Saber, Rider, Vigilante, Monster and Lancer are sitting alone in Shirou house. They know they are alone in the whole world: every other living thing is dead. The doorbell rings.

Vigilante frowned. "Nobody has died yet..."

"We aren't so lucky," Mordred said, since she was a villain after all.

Artoria sighed and got up. "I can't feel any other Servant, so it should be safe seeing who it is..."

Nobody objected to that, and nobody offered to open the door instead of her, so she walked to the door and did it.

When she did it, for a moment she thought someone was holding a mirror before her. This person's face, at the very least, matched the King's own. It was that of a woman with hair that was golden blonde, yet dark enough as to almost resemble the colour of straw. Her irises were tinted in a pleasant emerald green, and her shapely, athletic body clad in a long sleeved modest white blouse and long black skirt, plus tall black boots, casual enough for the city and yet also more than fitting for hitchhiking. In a hand she held a rolled up map, and from her shoulder hung a large and worn brown travel bag. Her thick and high soles made her look even taller than she was, towering over the Saber.

"Yes?" Artoria asked. "May I help you with something? Are you lost?" Please, say that you are lost, I don't want to cope with any more of this... she thought.

With a gentle shake of her head, the stranger answered. "Thank you very much, but far from it. I'm right where I need to be. I'm really sorry we have to meet under these circumstances. I can tell you are a noble person, and no harm should ever befall you," she said in a regretful tone, while Mordred perked up, her Son Sense tingling.

Lancer sighed and materialized his spear in a hand. "And here we go.. I guess I shouldn't complain, this should be better than the ring throwing game..."

Sighing sadly, the newcomer slammed a boot against the doorstep, and a sudden, sharp flash of white lightning enveloped her from above, making Artoria step back. It was gone in a blink, and then the outsider stood now wearing her long hair combed back into a thick braid falling down to her waist, and wearing form fitting, but still somehow modest and humble, gray from toe to neck. The sort of ensemble that would be functional for battle without being flashy at all, allowing maximum freedom of motion without sacrificing practicality.

In a hand she held a sharp standard with a white flag at its top; and a thin silver sword hung from her waist.

"O Lord... I shall raise my flag once again for the salvation of this nation... Nay, for the salvation of this world!" she shouted. "All things righteous are about to burn away. All that is holy is about to perish. Within a mere second, our future may be taken from us. Hear me! O, Heroic Spirits, mighty warriors who have gathered here. Though we may be rivals, we must stand together now!"

"Uuu," Monster said, making her mace appear in her hands and getting up to her feet.

"My True Name is Jeanne d'Arc. In the name of our Lord, I shall become your shield!" the weirdo said. "This battle will be a long journey that takes us back through human history. However, there is no need for despair. There are thousands of encounters waiting for you!"

"Woman, you can't just announce yourself from the get-go!" Mordred protested, unsheathing her perverse blade. "There are RULES to this kinda thing!"

"Even if this entire planet becomes a battleground for the Holy Grail War. Even if everything on this land turns into eternal ruinous grounds!" the intruder proclaimed grandly, with tears in her eyes from the intensity of her speech. "Even if powerful enemies await us at the end of our journey... Our fate has not yet been decided. So, let the battle begin, comrades!"

"... you are here for me, aren't you?" Mordred guessed, while the other Servants just stared on, perplexed. "Look, I know that I should've been in Trifas several days ago, but... um... no, sorry, I can't come up with any actual good excuse, I suppose we've just slacked the hell here. The food is good."

The woman with the standard sniffled loudly."I'm sorry I got so emotional! It's just that I wrote something so moving, even though I've rehearsed it so many times! My dialogue is so cool, truly I was inspired by God...!"

"Okay, then, that'll be enough of this!" Mordred pushed her father aside and punted the woman in the stomach, sending her flying across the front yard.

It was another average day in the Emiya household.

Monster, of all those present, was the first one to throw herself out, dashing towards the newcomer before she could recover. She moved with the blunt, steamrolling might expected from a Berserker, but with no Mad Enhancement clouding her mind. While she didn't seem particularly bright in strategy or eloquence, she moved in a way that was primarily offensive without leaving any major holes in her defense. Right off the bat, and just as the other woman got back up, she was forcing the blonde to play a more defensive game herself, dashing from one side to another while swinging with her standard at her, but most of those strikes would be deflected by her mace, and even those that hit, she would just charge back from shortly after, apparently none the worse.

Mordred was about to join in when the other Saber stepped into her path, blocking it.

"Why did you just attack her like that?!" her father demanded.

"She'd started talking nonsense about being talked to by God!" her knight said. "That's a sure sign of being insane!"

"God talked to me through a vision and told me to look for the original Holy Grail!" Artoria reminded her.

"That doesn't contradict what I've just said!"

Her being technically not alive on three different fronts (Servant, probably a machine, probably some revived mockery of life even in her previous existence) meant the (assumed) Saint of Orleans wasn't holding back, but even so, Monster had the upper hand so far. Of course, that was partly due to her being half of a combined offense.

Rider also joined the melee, moving fast as ever from one side to another, launching lightning strikes to their foe's sides with her chain hooks; so much that it was really difficult to pinpoint their exact location at any given moment. And while in comparison Jeanne seemed slow and yet more precise, she only looked that sedate for Servant standards, given how her speed seemed like a match for Monster's.

Vigilante sighed, pulling his gas gun out. "Aren't you joining in?" he asked the man standing by his side.

Lancer stood with his arms folded and yet still holding the spear between them. "Monster seems to have it covered. Besides, there's no honor, or anything else really, to be gained from meddling in a fight between ladies…"

D'Arc countered Rider's moves with better thought, more strategic clarity, persevering through the punishing onslaught of the faster and taller Spirit with stoicism. Her standard spun around to deflect most of Rider's attacks successfully, slowly but surely pushing the mana lacking Medusa back, until she was all but on her, swatting Monster aside as best as she could whenever she got too close to help Rider. Soon enough she was overpowering Rider and slamming her against the rocky ground with strong bashes of her pole weapon.

"She is Jeanne d'Arc!" Artoria was arguing, still preventing Mordred from throwing her lot in with them. "Do you even know what her legend says about her?!"

"We're from the Isles, why are we supposed to believe a Frenchwoman of all people?! That's even assuming she's actually d'Arc and not an impostor or a madwoman saying mad things!"

"I have good reasons to think she's the real Jeanne, because her face looks just like mine!"

"What? That doesn't even make any sense!"

"You'd understand if you'd fought in the Fourth War!"

"You fight bravely, Rider," the Saint grimly said, standing over the dazed and groaning buxom Servant splayed across the dirt before her now. "I really wish we could have fought together for the greater good, instead of being cruelly set against each other like this. However-"

And then Monster made something that vaguely approached a small smile and charged her weapon with electricity stored in her body, ramming it on Jeanne, shocking her and forcing her to stagger back and away from the Gorgon, in pain. "Ahhhhh!" the blonde cried, rubbing herself in the hit area and squinting warily at Monster and how she stood her ground stubbornly. "This isn't the way this contest is supposed to be played out! These unholy alliances shall only lead to greater chaos...!"

"ENOUGH!" the Lion of Camelot roared, and so powerful was the force of the voice, that everyone came to an immediate halt, looking at her. "No more of this foolishness! You will ruin Shirou's roses!"

Lancer raised an eyebrow.

The other Saberface (no, not that other one, the other other one. The newer one) breathed heavily and clicked her heels together, saluting martially as Artoria approached her. "My apologies, Your Majesty. I know our countries have long been bitter foes, and that I fought your ranks without any doubt, but today, I wouldn't have raised my hand if I hadn't been attacked first, and after such a moving peace speech, even…"

"I apologize in the name of my rash, treacherous subject," Artoria said while Mordred made faces at her behind her back. "What manner of Servant are you? Why couldn't I feel your presence upon arrival?"

"I am Ruler, the special arbiter of the Holy Grail War," Ruler bowed. "As such, I am actually here to serve you collectively, not to act as your enemy."

"The Church is supposed to handle that," Lancer said from the door, leaning on its frame.

"I am part of the Lord's Church," the Saint argued, with a hand on her chest.

There was a brief silence as Vigilante and Monster helped Rider come back to her feet.

"I need to know something before we discuss anything else," Artoria told Ruler then. "Exactly what was your relationship with a disgusting, vile, bug eyed reprobate who would fancy himself a Caster?"

Ruler's mouth hung cutely open for a moment, and then she smiled brightly. "You have met Gilles…?!"

"On second thought," Artoria told Mordred, "perhaps you actually were right to do that."

Dude, Where is my Body?

"Wait," Vigilante held a hand up, blocking their way into the house. "Before anything else, this must be settled... You don't look like the Jeanne d'Arc recorded by history, she was shorter, far less curvaceous, and had short dark hair."

"Oh, yes, about that," Ruler rasped into her fist. "I can explain! Due to the special circumstances of my summoning, I had to inhabit a human body to roam the Earth. I took the most compatible one, that of a descendant of my family."

"Your descendant just happened to live in Japan?" Lancer asked.

"Goodness, no," Ruler said. "She lived in France, I had to take a flight all the way here."

"Using her money..." Mordred said.

"She actually didn't have that much, so I had to make her quit her job and use the severance package to buy the ticket here," Ruler elaborated.

"So basically, even if you don't get her body killed, you still have left her basically penniless and without a job..." Rider said.

"..." Ruler said. And then, very meekly, "I did what I had to do..."

After a long pause of her own, Artoria spoke very coldly. "You truly are a comrade of Gilles de Rais..."

Ruler drooped her head and sobbed a little. "I'm sorry, I just couldn't inhabit any wealthy person with money to spare...! None of them were compatible, all of them were too vile, except for Bruce Wayne, but he just willpowered me out! I, I thought that was sort of rude of him, I wouldn't even have made him wear female undergarments...!"

The Power of the Press.

"If you want to find the other Servants and Masters so badly, why don't you put a classified add for them in the school newspaper?" Makie asked.

Negi looked at her. "Seriously?"

"Yeah! I mean, you don't have to announce openly that you've got a Servant, but you can always say it through code. 'We have Piece B, looking for Owners of Pieces C, A and A. Please call this number, ask for-'. That kind of thing!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Illya said bluntly.

Makie winced. "You don't have to put it that way! I know it's risky and that you'll be painting a target on yourselves, but since you want to contact them so much...!"

"That's not the thing, Makie-san," Negi said patiently, "the matter is that-"

"The ad needs to be put online, not in a newspaper, duh!" Illya told Makie, interrupting him. "Who reads the printed press these days, after all!"

Negi slammed both hands on his face.

Assassin looked idly at the phone with Internet connection Akashi-dono had been kind enough to give him so he could pass the time.

"Oh? This sounds interesting. A pity that I cannot move from the shade of this tree..."

Whatever Happened to Archer?

I remember enough to know where he lives.

I couldn't ever forget who he is.

Even though I wish I could.

The idiot doesn't even bring Saber along anymore. He's way too trusting that nobody would dare attack him in broad daylight.

I stand on a rooftop, watching him walk back home, with a large bag of groceries in his hands.

It would be so easy.

I only have to snipe him from here. It'd save everyone a lot of pain. Saber could just contract Negi, or even Rin, she should have enough mana left to spare. How much can a simple duck siphon from her?

But no. I can't just yet.

Stick to the plan.

Soon.

Soon.

He notices the signs of combat in the old house as he turns the corner, and he runs there, quickly disappearing past the front gates.

I make a gun sign with my fingers and smile. "Bang," I say, before disappearing to return with my Master.

Okay. Fine, I'll admit it. That was pointless and dumb from my part. I guess that I can be a hopeless dork at times, too. But I have earned it by now, haven't I?

Besides, technically it his fault.

This isn't Capsule Servant!

Shirou, at first, only stood quiet, glaring at the woman he didn't recognize at the middle of the other Servants.

"Okay..." he said after several awkward moments. "And you are...?"

Ruler cleared her throat primly and planted her standard down. "O Lord..." she intoned in a clear, strong voice, "I shall raise my flag once again for the salvation-"

"Not that again!" Mordred slapped her on the back of the head. "Go straight to the point already!"

Ruler winced, rubbing the aching spot, and then addressed Shirou more quietly. "I will ask you. To which of these Servants are you the Master?"

Emiya doubted before pointing at Artoria. "It's her..."

"I thought as much," Ruler nodded soberly. "And surely this is your house."

"I have been having my doubts of late, but yes, I suppose..." Shirou deadpanned. "And you? Who has sent you?"

"I'm afraid you are mistaken. I don't intend to claim your life, or the Holy Grail, for myself, if that's what you mean," Jeanne said. "All the same, I cannot stand idly and let these events come to pass without establishing a precedent. I can't stand out if I don't participate! I mean, maybe I worded that the wrong way..."

"You'd like it better if you were just a contestant like any other, wouldn't you?" Lancer said.

"What? No!" Jeanne gasped. "Being Ruler is not a punishment or anything like that! I wouldn't even dream of securing the Grail just for the sake of some selfish personal dream!"

"Besides, this way you get to tell others what to do, don't you?" Mordred guess. "That must be a good job..."

"Wait wait wait," Emiya said. "Nothing of what you've said actually explains anything!"

"She's named Ruler, and she polices the War," Vigilante explained.

"I thought that was the Church's job?" Shirou asked.

"I am with the Church!" Ruler said.

"Oh, so your Master is Father Kotomine?" Shirou said.

"I don't even know who is that, but his name sounds dangerous," Ruler replied.

"From what I gather, she isn't the arbiter in this War, but for that one that is about to develop in Europe," Rider supplied. "Which poises the question of what is she supposed to be doing here in the first place."

"I told you, there is a huge threat coming! The War cannot be dealt with until I have made sure that it will go out without a glitch!" Ruler said. "And that involves making sure that no Servants are out of their place and element, and that no Classes that shouldn't even exist are summoned..."

Vigilante shifted in place uneasily and began whistling.

"Otherwise, who knows what could be coming!" Ruler warned. "For instance, multiple Servants could be summoned everywhere! That would be the Requiem for humanity as we know it! Imagine it, if you will, several of any of us appearing across the world! The Jeaaaaaaaaanne boom! There'd be a Red Ruler and a Sakura Ruler and a Christmas Lily Ruler, gosh, there's something as too much of a good thing after all!"

"That," Rider said soberly, "is a truly terrifying thing to conceive."

"It's so haaard, it's so haaard being popular, I'm afraid of all those Jeanne clones might corrupt me through the sin of pride…" Ruler sniffed delicately, wiping a corner of her eye.

"Okay," Artoria said, "but what is this ominous vague threat to everyone exactly about?"

" …Do you think I might be well on my way to becoming a star cash-cow corrupted like that, Saber?!" Ruler asked her.

"JUST STICK TO ANSWERING WHAT I ASKED YOU!"

"I have no clear idea yet."

"YOU HAVEN'T?!"

"The ways of the Lord are mysterious! He doesn't just reveal everything like that, otherwise what would be the point?" the other blonde argued. "You should know better than anyone, you were a champion of the Faith, Saber!"

Artoria sweatdropped. "There is sense to what you said, and yet... I now realize why Caster would like you so much... you are just as insane..."

"I'm still having difficulties adjusting to cope with this host body and its set of values and knowledge, that is all," Ruler argued. "That's fine, though, I'm also here to learn about the nature of this incoming terrible and possibly global onslaught, and to put you in a peace in mind about this unescapable catastrophe while I adapt to being Laeticia... to Laeticia being me... you understand what I'm trying to say."

Shirou and Lancer really would have liked them to slow down a bit. "Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait," they said at the same time.

"Oh, sure thing," Rider told Ruler, folding her arms. "Blame the poor girl whose body you stole for your own shortcomings."

"I'll make sure of making up for her by the end of the War...!"

"On second thought," Shirou said, "now I'd be more comfortable if you'd just come along to kill me."

We Had to Include this Scene at Some Point.

"Whew, what a day!" a sweaty Emiya Shirou sighed as he walked into his bathroom, with a towel hanging over his shoulder and another wrapped around his waist. "I really thought it never would eeeEEEEEEHHHHH! " he screamed as he saw Saber sitting in his full bathtub, the water up to her collarbone.

His Servant quietly looked up at him, unfazed. "What's wrong, Shirou? What's so shocking about seeing me here? The battle was taxing for me as well..."

The red haired young man turned around abruptly, blushing madly. "G-G-Gosh, Saber! You should've locked the door if you were here! I thought the Grail gave you instructions on that kind of current custom too!"

Saber blinked. "Excuse me?"

"D-Don't play the fool, I know you 're too smart for that!" he sputtered. "And with Ruler-san around now, too! She'll have a heart attack if she learns you're acting like this!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Shirou," the small green eyed blonde said while standing up in the tub, in all her naked majesty. "Ruler surely understands better than anyone that, like any other Servant, I am naught but an instrument of war. I left earthly passions behind long ago, to pursue my fate as a Heroic Spirit. And my Master should think likewise, as to better synchronize with me."

"It, it's still wrong, you're still a girl!" he gasped, closing his eyes tightly.

Saber frowned. "Shirou, please cease with that childish behavior immediately. Have you watched too many television comedies? A Master must have nerves of steel..."

"I, I have a mind, I mean, nerves of steel!" he gasped. "I mean, how many times have I been pierced through in this war without panicking?! Give me some credit, Saber!"

"And yet you are panicking like a child now," Saber chastised him. "What will you do if a female opponent decides to flash herself to you, throwing the fight to her? Shirou, turn around. One must face one's fears if one is to overcome them!"

"I, I'm not afraid, it's just, damn, I wasn't taught to be a damn pervert!" he screamed, then ran out of the bathroom as fast as he could.

Saber sighed. "Shirou, you should know that Ruler was about to-"

"AIE!" she heard Shirou scream then, along with the loud sounds of him running into someone else, and a brief shriek of surprise in Ruler's voice. "I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY MA'AM BYE!" and then there were even more slaps of bare feet rushing down the house.

A moment later, a slightly frowning, bathrobe wearing Jeanne d'Arc entered the bathroom with a basket of bath goods in her hands. "Have you done something to Monsieur Shirou, Saber?" she asked.

"Nothing at all," Saber said, sitting back down in the water and making room for the taller woman to share the tub with her. " But now I'm honestly concerned Kiritsugu might have..."

His First Love.

Rider looked at the photo.

It had Shinji, as a little child, smiling happily as he stood by a tiny red haired girl around his own age, wearing a yellow sun dress.

The girl, that is, not Shinji, naturally.

Shinji was in a light green dress.

Ruler, who was passing by casually, stopped and looked over Rider's shoulder. "Why is he dressed like that?" she asked.

Rider smiled faintly. "The girl made him wear it. She was a childhood friend of his."

"Oh, that is good," Ruler sighed. "I don't think that men should dress as women, or viceversa."

(The blue) Saber, who was sitting nearby either, looked up, a bit upset. "There is nothing wrong with that, under the correct circumstances."

"Didn't you use to go into battle wearing armor only built and intended for men?" Rider asked Ruler.

"That was a special case, Madame, and as you can see, I made the proper adjustements to it...! Otherwise, I am of the opinion that crossdressing should be avoided, that is all!"

Somewhere in Romania, the natural enemy of Ruler sneezed. No, not Amakusa. No, not Pierre Cochon either. And no, it's not Jeanne Alter. Darn, for an all loving Saint, Jeanne has a lot of natural enemies. Anyway, Astolfo was the one to sneeze.

"I am going to find this girl before the War is over," Rider decided, "and reunite Shinji with her."

"Why would you do that?" Artoria asked.

"So he can have someone to look after him after I am gone. He only seemed to be happy during the time they were together, so I'm sure she is a wonderful, kind person."

"She made him wear girl's clothes," Ruler reminded her.

Somewhere else in Mahora, deep underground in a secret base of actually-not-evil-just-misunderstood, Aida Kensuke sneezed. "Why this, so suddenly?!" he protested, rubbing his nose.

"You're wearing my plugsuit," Asuka said while taking lectures of his activity in the robot's cockpit. "Pervert."

"I didn't choose to!" Kensuke whined.

"Oh, you'll have yours soon enough, as soon as Chao finishes upgrading it! It doesn't change the fact that you're enjoying it like the pervert you are!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are! Your nipples are hard!" she pointed her pen at Kensuke's chest and the two tips pressing against the red fabric.

Hikari and Touji looked at each other. "Do you think they'll end up together?" she asked him.

"How could I know? This ain't 3.0+1.0, is it?"

"... simp," Saber said calmly, going back to eating.

A vein bulged on Rider's forehead. "What have you just said?"

"You don't even know if that girl has a boyfriend by this point or not," Artoria told her.

"That's what petrifying gazes exist for," Rider replied.

Ruler gave a half hearted standard slam down on Medusa's head. "That is not what we are supposed to do during the Grail War, either..."

Rider was starting to not like this woman too much. Was it because of the face? Did it come along with personalities meant to upset her?

Mordred peeked into the room. "Hey, everyone, dinner's ready! Even if you already started, I see, Father..."

"'Tis just a mild snack meant to stimulate my appetite for the feast," the King said stoically.

"Anyway, yeah, Shirou and Wimpy are setting the table as we speak..."

'Wimpy'.

Yes, definitely, Rider decided, it was something about the face...

Yet somewhere else, Nero sneezed noisily.

Rule of Threes!

We Have Faith in You!

"What?" Chisame asked, pausing in her current examination of Negi, and patting the all black formal suit she'd just bought for him and put on him on the hips. "No, of course we trust you to find a solution for your sister's problem before she dies, Sensei. What makes you think we don't?"

Epilogue: Watcher.

Somewhere else in Academy City, a young woman sitting before a computer in the warm, cozy darkness of her bedroom smiled in bliss, basking in the sole light of the room, that of the computer she had been facing over several straight hours now, with nothing but the occasional bathroom break.

"Chiu-chan is so kawaii...!" she gushed to herself, happily checking on the latest update of her favorite virtual idol.

She looked fairly youthful, more than she actually was, and her chubbiness was somewhat diminished by the fact she was fairly tall for a Japanese female. Even so, her frame would have suffered through the eyes of any outside observer by virtue of being clad into jeans and a black tee shirt that were too tight to properly contain her physical assets. But then again, that was part of why she didn't ever allow outside observers in her private paradise.

"Kawaii kawaii, kawaii..." Caragiri Jinako sing-sang happily, filing image after image of the latest gallery, moving her head along her tune so her long brown hair whipped around, and she laughed goofily, her glasses slipping down her face. "Well, that's all for now, there'll be time for a fap later, but first let's check the boards..."

And then, much to her annoyance, when she tried to click on the link to the message boards, she instead clicked on a pop up had just appeared there, sporting the face of a dumbly smirking purple haired bitch with her tongue poking out and a winking eye. "Oh, for fuck's sake, since when you have pop-ups, Chiu-chan?!"

Jinako winced, seeing the link had led her to a page with a solid black background, and there was something written on red letters all over it. Jinako squinted, adjusting her glasses, and read the passage, which was in English, a language she had come to learn through sheer Internet convenience over the last few years.

Fill. Fill. Fill. Fill. Fill. Let each be turned over five times, simply breaking asunder the fulfilled time.

Let silver and steel be the essence. Let stone and the archduke of contracts be the foundation. Let my great master be the ancestor. Raise a wall, against the wind that shall fall. Close the four cardinal gates. Come out from the crown. Rotate the three-branched road reaching the Kingdom.

I shall declare here. Your body shall serve under me. My fate shall be with your sword. Submit to the beckoning of the Holy Grail. If you will submit to this will and this reason…then answer!

An oath shall be sworn here! I shall attain all virtues of all of Heaven. I shall have dominion over all evils of all of Hell! From the Seventh Heaven, attended to by three great words of power, come forth from the ring of restraint, Protector of the Balance!

"What the hell is this crap..." Jinako grumbled, moving the mouse around, and then yelped as her hand, which suddenly itched so much and badly, accidentally was cut with a piece of paper she had been taking notes on during earlier Net research. A single tiny drop of her blood trickled to the floor, between her feet.

And then the computer had shut itself down, causing Jinako to shriek, and a single beam of light flew up from her floor, which made her shriek a bit less.

The shut-in wheeled back on her favorite chair, as something took form in the new sole light before herself. Jinako swallowed her, as this form became increasingly visible as a woman, shorter and smaller than her but also prettier and slimmer, with large feminine hazel eyes behind glasses that were more angular and less nerdy than hers. She wore a fine pink and light purple dress with a hood ornated with two long batlike ears, and which showed her short brown hair, framing her beautiful face. Jinako blushed and whimpered as this vision from some manga or fantasy romance Light Novel stared quietly at her, with the aloof coldness of a descenced goddess. And then, finally, she spoke to her, but only after a long, languid yawn.

"Ah... Hello, I'm Osakabehime of the Watcher class... Hey, can I go home now? No?" she blandly said, as Jinako failed to produce any kind of answer whatsoever. "Ah, I see..."

The world was, definitely, fucked over.

Author's Notes:

If you have made it this far, I thank you for actually bothering to read all of this nonsense.

I'm not that pleased with this chapter. It feels like I just started shitposting with no clear plan ahead... I couldn't think of much else to do right now.

Parts of this all might be canon for later chapters, parts of it might not. I'm not sure about anything at the moment.

What I really would like to write is a bunch of domestic comedy stuff with a whole lot of Servants hanging around Shirou's house like lazy cats who have lost their purpose. I guess I could just write a Chaldea fanfic instead but I can't stand writing Fujimaru Ritsuka for long periods of time, at least not anymore.

The trick is getting all of the Servants I'd like in Shirou's house, and what to do with the actual Grail War then... It's been years of this in real life, and while I haven't lost the love for the characters, I'm not the same foolish young man I was, what, a decade ago when I started writing Fate stuff into Unequally without checking anything about Type-Moon first, other than the DEEN anime and Carnival Phantasm? Yikes.

In hindsight, I have made a lot of mistakes through this strange trip. There are parts I'm proud of, and parts I'd just like to redo all over again, but I'm afraid I just don't have the energy for that anymore...

Anyway. I shouldn't be bothering you people with any of this. I'll see what can I do. See you next time, whenever that is.

To be Continued.