Open Your Eyes

by someofthissomeofthat310

My take on what could happen if there's a season 3. *Summary inside because I don't want to take the chance of spoiling the second season for someone that hasn't seen it yet*

2. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

A/N: Is anyone else weeping with joy because they officially renewed for a season 3?

~ Chapter 2: We Wish You a Merry Christmas ~

Victor's POV

Weeks passed while Benji and I focused on talking… talking didn't seem like an adequate enough description for the yelling, fighting, and compromising that happened between us. It was slower than I'd initially anticipated when I'd suggested we air out all of our dirty laundry. The smallest things seemed to take days to talk through, process, fight about, and compromise on. There were some days where it was particularly hard not to walk away angry, days where I thought the only thing that kept us from taking things too far was how badly we wanted this to work out, days where I came dangerously close to telling Benji that he could screw himself, days where Benji probably wanted to tear out his hair.

Eventually, it got a little easier. It definitely wasn't easy though. We each found our own groove with the whole talking thing. I learned to turn away from Benji instead of saying something that stemmed from a place of half-truth and half-anger; Benji started to catch himself before his 'embarrassment' did the talking; we both fully committed to taking breathers instead of storming away; we made a conscious decision to forgive each other every day.

Honestly, God bless Benji's parents, We owed them a lot - my apartment was strictly a fight-free zone because my parents didn't want Adrian to hear us. It probably would have been easy for his parents to interrupt us or kick me out, but they let us fight as long as we needed to without interfering.

Part of me kind of wished they'd say something because I didn't want them to think that we were just mindlessly at each other's throats. Our arguing was extremely productive, and I would have loved to tell them that no relationship was without struggle and fighting; we needed to find someone that was worth the struggle, and we both agreed we were that person for each other. We also thought it was a good sign that, while we flirted dangerously close to the line, we never crossed it and said something that irreparably broke us. No matter how angry or frustrated we got with one another, we always managed to stop before we took it too far. So, maybe things got almost out of hand sometimes, but we wanted to work through it.

At the end of every fight, we asked each other the same question. Did we still make sense? Did we still want to keep fighting it out? Were we still worth it?

So far, the answer to those had been yes. Some of our fights had gotten intense and not walking away from him was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but it was always worth it.

I couldn't bring myself to regret that we were focusing on all the things we'd never talked about because it seemed like the more we talked, the more the layers peeled away. We were getting closer to the Victor and Benji I knew we were.

There was one topic we avoided talking about as if saying his name would summon him. At first, I'd been grateful to avoid the topic, but I couldn't put it off any longer.

It felt like we'd been talking for weeks (because we had been) and we'd gotten pretty… good was a stretch, but we'd gotten okay at the whole talking thing. We'd talked about so much; all the tiny things that had built between us and a lot of the big stuff, but we hadn't so much as whispered his name. Rahim seemed to hang over us; the longer that we went without talking about what had happened, the harder it became to talk about it and the more scared I became of how Benji was going to take it when we did talk about it.

I fully intended to tell Benji the complete truth, but I was pretty sure he wasn't going to like it. Because my truth was… I missed Rahim so much; I hadn't talked to him since the wedding, and Pilar had informed me that he wasn't ready to talk to me. Which I totally understood; I was fine with him needing space. Rahim had become a big part of my life in such a short amount of time, and I desperately hoped we'd find a way to reclaim that friendship one day.

I finally found the courage to bring it up the Monday before our winter break was starting. We hadn't slept together since my mom walked in on us. It had only been just over a month, but it felt like forever. We had progressed to some cuddling and lots of kissing, but I missed being with him so badly. It was especially difficult because I'd never felt this close to Benji before. I knew we'd been right to take sex off the table until we felt like we'd talked about everything that we needed to talk about; when we'd been in a bad place, it had become a crutch and a way for us to avoid talking. We couldn't fall into that old pattern just because it was undeniable that we were… very physically compatible. That had never been the problem.

We were lying back in his bed. Benji was tracing the edges of my face with one hand while his other was holding my hand over my stomach. "Are you ever going to ask me about Rahim?"

Benji froze. "What about him?"

"I told you that he kissed me a month ago, and you haven't brought it up once."

He sighed and pulled his hand away from mine before he sat up. He ran his hand through his hair. "I know we have to talk about it," he told me. "I just… I don't know. Talking about him feels different from the other things we've talked about."

I sat up as well. "Why?" Benji closed his eyes. I recognized the look on his face. It was the look he wore every single time he thought he was going to say something I wasn't going to like. He was usually right but, in defense of him, they were always things that needed to be said. "Whatever it is, it's okay."

Benji nodded. "I haven't brought it up because there's something I need to ask you, and I don't know if I'm ready to hear the answer."

"Well, ready or not, I'd like to give it."

"You felt something when Rahim kissed you." He didn't say it like a question, but I knew he wanted me to deny it. I couldn't do that, and I think he knew I couldn't do that.

I started to trace the squares on his comforter because I found it soothing to focus on something so mundane and because I knew if I had to look at him, I was never going to be able to have this conversation with him. "Yes."

The word seemed to sit between us, growing and surging like it was its own life form. I wrapped my arms around myself and squeezed my eyes shut. The longer he went without speaking, the more certain I became that this was going to be the thing we couldn't work through; that this would be the thing that broke us. I didn't look at him, and I forced myself to let the silence stretch despite how much I hated it. This was his battle and, just like he'd done for me with so much of his stuff, I needed to let him decide what he wanted.

"How did you know that you wanted to be with me and not Rahim?" he asked. He wasn't looking at me. "I know you chose me, and I love that. But… did you just choose me because it was easier?"

I scoffed. "Sorry, but do you think it's easier to be with you?" I asked. I finally looked at him because of all the questions I expected him to ask, that one hadn't even made the cut. Easy? That was absurd. "Benji, nothing about us is easy. This last month with the deep dive we've taken into talking about our feelings has been hell. But it's been a hell I'm willing to walk through because I love you and you're the only person I feel like I can talk to like this."

"But if you felt something with him-"

"Yeah. I did. But I love you. I don't love Rahim."

"And you don't think you ever could?"

The question surprised me. I really had to think about my answer. "I don't know, and I guess you could say the choice I made was to not find out." For a second, I let my mind wander to the impossibility of loving someone other than Benji, but I couldn't picture it. "I can't think about loving someone else, not when I love you so much. I think that we're supposed to be together. We're like the gay, less tragic versions of Romeo and Juliet."

He snorted. "Gay, less tragic Romeo and Juliet?" he questioned. Yeah, not one of my better analogies. Junior year English was essentially Shakespeare Studies at Creekwood; we'd just finished reading Romeo and Juliet for English class and were getting ready to take a test tomorrow, so it had been the first thing to pop into my head.

I smiled a little before I continued tracing the squares on his comforter. "You know what I mean. I don't want to be with anyone but you, but…"

"But?" he pressed.

"Rahim gets me in a way that you can't," I said after a long pause. "He knows what it's like to be gay and… not white and me being gay is different than you being gay for so many reasons." Benji flinched. "I hope Rahim and I get to a point where we can be friends again because it was so easy to be his friend, and I hope you can be okay with that."

Benji let out a shaky breath and I knew how hard this was for him. "I want to be the perfect boyfriend and say that I want you and Rahim to be friends, but I don't feel that way. Not right now, at least. Victor, you started to like someone, and you just want me to be okay with you spending time with him?" He shook his head. "I…" he brought his hands in front of his mouth. "I can't stop you and it's not up to me to say no, and I don't want to tell you what you can and can't do. I just hope you'll give it some time and choose us for now because I don't think I'm ready to share you with him."

I wanted to tell Benji he was being unreasonable, but I wasn't sure he was. "You're not sharing me," I told him seriously. "Rahim was a really great friend to me, but we will never be more than that. I hope you can trust me one day because I choose you. I will always choose you, but I don't want that to mean choosing between you and my friends. You live in my head, Benji; no matter who I'm with, you are there. But, when I'm with you, no one else in the world exists; it's just the two of us."

He ducked his head, but I could see that he was smiling.

- . - . - . -

Benji's POV

"I feel the same way," I told him quietly.

Sometimes, when we fought, I thought back to one of the times we'd shared when we were in the blissful early stages of our relationship. It had been the first weekend after school started. Victor had been lying on my bed with his head dangling off the side and I'd been sitting on the floor. We were roughly eye level and kept turning to each other to kiss or feed one another a peanut m&m from a bowl on my bed. We got into a hilariously intense conversation about what the best candy was. I couldn't even remember how we sided or what arguments we made. I just remembered that my mom suddenly knocked on my door to tell us dinner was ready and I couldn't fathom how so much time had passed. We'd been talking for hours. I knew, at that moment, that I was in love with Victor.

That hadn't changed. I still loved him more than anything, but I had no idea how to do this. I hated this. I hated it so much. It would be so much easier if Victor could just move on from Rahim and let it go, but I also knew he couldn't do that. I could see it when he was talking about Rahim. I just wasn't sure if I was stronger than my jealousy. And I was crazy jealous of Rahim. It wasn't just the kiss. Victor had found something in Rahim that he didn't have in me.

I bit my lip as I tried to figure out a tactful way to ask my next question. This wasn't the first time he'd brought up the fact that I was white and he wasn't. Every other time we'd talked about it, it had come out as a snarky, angry comment, so I'd dismissed it and assumed it was just him taking low jabs. Maybe I should've tried to talk about it. I wasn't going to pretend to be one of those people that say they don't see color. I could see that Victor wasn't white; I just didn't think it mattered to us. I realized I'd been manifesting my thoughts into 'our' thoughts, and I was only half of that 'our'.

"You've said stuff about that before," I said slowly. "About how I'm white."

"You are white," he reminded me. He looked wary.

"Yeah, I am. But you're not. And we've never talked about that. At least, not really."

Victor sighed. "You're right. I guess it was easier to not talk about it."

"Is Rahim right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Am I just a… a white boy fantasy?"

Victor's eyes flashed. "He said that?"

"Not directly to me," I admitted. "I overheard him talking to Pilar."

Victor closed his eyes for a second. "Well, he's wrong. It's just like… there's this extra pressure when it comes to me being gay in my family."

"How so?" I asked.

"It's different," he finally said.

I tried very hard not to let my frustration show. "You keep saying that, but you don't explain what that means. I can't understand if you don't talk about it."

I realized after I said the words that I really set myself up for a comeback about my AA stuff, but he didn't take it. Instead, he said, "the day I told Rahim about you, he talked about his parents and how they gave up everything so he could live a better life than they did. My parents have done the same thing. I remember when I was little, I asked my dad why he was never home. He told me that he had to work hard and had to work long hours so that, one day, I could have opportunities he never had just like his parents had moved to the US and worked hard their whole lives so he could live a better life than they did. He worked seven days a week sometimes and there were so many days where he was gone before I woke up and didn't get home until after I was asleep. But he did it because he knew that's what he needed to do for me and for all of us. When I was little, I used to feel like he was choosing work over me; I didn't understand. When he explained it to me, I felt so guilty and selfish. By working, he was choosing me. It changed so much for me and made it impossible for me to be anything less than what he and my mom needed me to be because they were always what I needed them to be." A smile suddenly crossed Victor's face. "It was such a big deal when he was able to take off work to come to our state championship game my freshman year because it was in the afternoon. He never took off work; he couldn't afford to, but he wanted to be there for me. He's, like, the best dad. Even my mom… she could be doing something with her music; that was her dream when she was young, but she gave it all up so she could focus on us."

"Okay," I said slowly. I shifted a little. "That's really great, but isn't that what most parents do for their kids?"

"The good ones do," he agreed. "But there's more."

"Tell me."

He was choppy and reluctant at first, and it was really difficult to follow some of what he was saying. He had a whole Thanksgiving anecdote about something called carne guisada that went way over my head, but the more he talked, the more I started to form an idea of what he meant. I had a vague idea of what machismo was and how that was an expectation for the guys in his family and that being gay somehow contradicted it. I fully understood how he'd needed to work through sixteen years of hearing that it was wrong to be gay, so he understood his family needed to work through the same thing. I got why he had difficulty standing up to his mom when he felt like she'd given the world to him and he felt like he was rejecting that world by being gay. I even got how his parents were raised not with beliefs but with what they considered to be truths.

His head rested on my chest when he finished talking, and I was glad he couldn't see my face. I knew it was messed up, but I really needed to figure out if I could be in a relationship and know that I was going to have to be his supportive boyfriend over myself when we were with his family because he was right, I'd never fully understand this part of his life.

It would probably never not be frustrating that his mom had to learn to be okay with Victor or that it still sometimes took effort for her to call me Victor's boyfriend or that she had to actively work to support our relationship. It would never not be frustrating that, according to Victor, her reaction would look incredibly supportive compared to what we could expect when I met his extended family. Could I be okay with that? Could I be okay with his extended family talking Spanish around me so they could talk about me in front of me? Could I be okay with biting my lip if they did something I didn't like? Could I put Victor first?

The moment the thought popped into my head, I felt nauseated because it shouldn't have been a question. I'd thought I'd been such a great boyfriend, but I could pick out countless times that I'd met his optimism with pessimism or hadn't listened when he'd asked me to drop something with his family. I kissed the side of Victor's head and resolved that I would try my damndest to not be another obstacle for him. It might take me some time, but I would get there.

"Thank you," I said quietly. "For telling me all of that. I'm glad I know now." I didn't try to tell him that I understood because we both knew that would be a lie.

"It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"I'm sorry I didn't ask. I guess you could say that my white privilege showed because I never thought about it. Even when you made those comments, I just assumed it was you being angry and-."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. I just want you to know that it was never me trying to ignore this part of your life. I wasn't trying to…" I fumbled for the words. "I wasn't trying to pretend that you being Latino is irrelevant or anything; I know it's an important part of who you are, and I never should have assumed that just because I don't have to think about how I'm white that it would be the same for you. It was never about this. It is just really hard to watch you settle for less than you deserve."

"I know it's hard for you," Victor acknowledged. "But it doesn't feel like settling."

"I get that now. You said it feels like you're giving them the space to come around rather than…" I trailed off because I couldn't remember exactly what he said.

"Rather than pushing them so far that they won't," he finished.

"Yeah. I get that. And I really will work to get there. I'm sorry that I'm not there yet. Can you be okay with that?"

He looked up at me. "Yeah. I can be." He brought his hand up to the side of my face. "As long as you can agree to let me take the lead and make the decisions when it comes to my family. My parents and Pilar and Adrian are cool with us now, but they're not my whole family. Family is huge for us. We got a grace period because of the move and their separation - most of our extended family doesn't know but that won't last forever. You can expect many, many, many family parties and get-togethers and distant cousins that I've never met getting married. I can't have something like your fight with my mom or you outing me to Adrian happen again." He held up his hand. "I know how that sounded, and I know you've apologized. I forgive you. I really do, but I need you to let me decide what battles I pick with my family. And I can promise that one of the battles I will always pick is for you to be by my side as my boyfriend."

I rolled away from him and sat up. I took a second to try to connect the thoughts bouncing around my head. When I spoke, my tone was cautious and slow. "I want to trust you. But the battle you said you'd pick? You didn't pick it with Adrian."

He nodded. "He's just a little kid."

"He's eight, Victor. He's not a baby."

Victor climbed off of my bed, walked to my window, and looked out for a minute. I knew what he was doing. He was calming himself down before he could say something he'd regret; I didn't think what I'd said had been particularly offensive, but I knew that Victor was really sensitive when it came to his family. I didn't try to say anything; I'd learned weeks ago not to push him when he did this. When he came back, he took a deep breath. "You're right. I didn't pick the battle with Adrian. All I can say is that it was different when it was my little brother. It made sense to me that we needed to be careful about how we told him because we thought it would be the first time he was learning about this." The corners of his mouth twitched. "Who knew Spongebob would beat us to it?" He shook his head. "Adrian knows now and… I promise things will be different. I'm not going to ask you to be around my family and pretend."

"Okay."

Victor let out a relieved sigh. "Thank you. For trying with this. I know it's not easy for you." He leaned over to kiss me, but I turned my head so he only got my cheek.

I closed my eyes for a second, and my heart pounded in my chest. He did know it wasn't easy for me, but I hadn't really given him the chance to find out why. If he'd given me the gift of his honesty, the least I could do was give him the same. "I am going to try," I told him. "But I need you to know everything because I can't promise that I'll be good at this right away."

"What do you mean?"

"There's something else that I haven't talked about."

"Okay," he said slowly.

I sighed. "Part of… how I've been acting around them is that I hated seeing how you've been treated, but it also brings up a lot for me." He lifted my chin a little so I had to look at him. "You know that I went through a pretty dark time before I came out. I…" I leaned back so he had to drop his hand. After a moment, I stood up because I couldn't do this sitting down. When my back was to him and I didn't have to see how he'd take this, talking about this didn't become easier, but it became less impossible. I wrapped my arms around myself. My voice was a whisper when I spoke. "I hated myself, Victor. Really hated myself. It was like I was everything that was wrong and bad, and when I am around someone that seems to hate me, even if it's only a part of me, it brings all of that up, and all those things I thought I worked through… they come back."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I didn't need to look to know that Victor's expression would be filled with pity. That was part of the reason I hadn't told him.

"It's so selfish. I already have a habit of making things about me that have no reason to be about me."

I braced myself for his anger and was surprised when that's not what I got. He must've stood up as well because when he spoke, he was right next to me. "This gets to be about us." He moved so he was right in front of me. "All those times you didn't want to get my hopes up…" his eyes got wider and his hand found mine. "Part of me wants to be so mad that you didn't tell me, that you let me think that you were just being irrational and that you didn't trust me, but I get that there's this big thing you feel like you need to protect yourself from. Even from me." He moved so there was barely space between us and slouched so we were at eye level. It was possibly the most intense eye contact we'd ever made. "I'm not going to say you shouldn't hate yourself, even though it's true, because I don't think that would do any good. I'm not going to tell you how amazing and thoughtful and worthy of love you are. So, since I'm not going to say all of that, what I will say is this. It is not your fault that some of my family are going to treat you like shit, it is not your fault that other people can't see all the good in you, and it is definitely not your fault that my mom took some time to accept you."

"It was kind of my fault though, wasn't it? I didn't help," I acknowledged. "Arguing with your mom after she walked in on us and assuming that she was still the same person that pretended to be sick because she couldn't stand to be in the same room as me and accusing her of being homophobic? It made things worse."

He shrugged. "It might not have helped, but you had your reasons. I wish I'd known about them, but I understand that a little more now. If you ever start to feel those things again, I really hope you'll tell me because I will remind you about all of the amazing things I love about you and I will love you enough for both of us until you love yourself again. I will remind you that you are my thoughtful, patient, considerate boyfriend, and my family is really missing out by seeing that you're gay before they see you."

"Thanks."

"Is there anything else I should know?"

I shook my head; I felt so empty but in a surprisingly fulfilling way. It wasn't even just what we'd talked about; I felt like I'd finally put everything out there… well, almost everything. As close to everything as I could without talking about my AA stuff. "No."

He looked a little relieved, and I didn't blame him. "I don't think I have anything else either." This had been a lot, and I felt inexplicably exhausted. He led me back to my bed. He must've been as tired as I was because he nuzzled into my side. "I'm glad we talked about everything we talked about today. It was… pretty hard, but I feel like we figured it out."

I let my hand brush his arm as I considered that. A month ago, we really were in a very bad place. Even when we'd committed to talking it out, we struggled to find a way to talk to each other without escalating our fights. Our fighting felt so… helpful over the past few weeks; we'd really changed from taking jabs at each other because that was easier than talking about the hard stuff to figuring out how all of our stuff fit into our relationship. I found myself smiling as I thought about how far we'd come and how confident I felt in us now. Especially right now. After what we'd just talked about, I felt incredibly close to him.

I kissed his forehead. "Me too."

- . - . - . -

Lake's POV

"Hey, you. Did you get lost?" Lucy asked as she walked up to my locker during lunch. I focused on my locker, painstakingly organizing my books - I'd switched them from alphabetical by class to in the order I had my classes about a dozen times in an attempt to calm myself down before I went to lunch; it wasn't helping. "You okay?"

That was such a loaded question right now. "I thought I'd be over him by now," I muttered. "But he and Pilar disappeared into a closet a few minutes ago and…" It had been a month of watching him with Pilar and realizing that the Felix I saw now, from a distance, was different than the Felix I had dated. I'd never known this carefree, not-a-worry-in-the-world Felix that seemed to be glued to Pilar. Or maybe I had and I just hadn't recognized him for what he was. I went back and forth about it.

"And it still hurts," she guessed. I nodded. She glanced around. "Do you want to get out of here?"

"Yes," I told her immediately. I didn't care if we'd get in trouble for skipping. Even if this was a good day, I'd probably have chosen an afternoon of delinquency over school. I rifled through my bag to find my keys. "Where do you want to go?"

"I have an idea. I'm driving."

"What? Why?"

"Because your driving frightens me," she said seriously. She held out her hand for my keys, and I held them tighter in my hand.

"The great state of Georgia has determined that I am a sufficient driver," I pointed out.

"That's strike one against Georgia."

I laughed. "Fine." I tossed her my keys, and she caught them. "Then I pick the music."

Lucy frowned and looked like she was trying to figure out which was the lesser of two evils. "Yeah. I'll suck up your mopey breakup playlist if it means we get there in one piece."

"My playlist is not mopey," I muttered. She raised her eyebrows at me, and I rolled my eyes. It wasn't mopey; I found it soothing. I shut my locker with a little more force than I should have and followed her out. With how often people ditched school, you would think that the school would have better security. "Where is 'there'?" I asked curiously.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" she teased.

"Yeah. That's why I asked."

Lucy laughed, and I found myself smiling in response. Her laughter always seemed to wrap around me. We'd gotten so close in the last month and it had led to a very… confusing time for me. I didn't know if it was as confusing for Lucy as it was for me, and I didn't really know how to bring it up.

It seemed we existed in this limbo where there was definitely something between us, but we never talked about that something or did anything about it. Or maybe it was just me. This was all new to me. The idea that I might be into Lucy had hit me hard and fast, but it had also been kind of undeniable. I didn't try to repress it. I wanted to see where this would go, but I didn't know if she wanted it to go in the same direction.

She didn't tell me where we were going until we pulled up. "You're taking me mini-golfing?" I asked.

She smiled at me and drummed her hands on the steering wheel. "When I was younger, before my mom died and my grandpa moved in with us, we used to go mini-golfing all the time. Logan always won and my mom always threw the game so I wouldn't come in last place. Whenever one of us was having a bad day, we used to come here and, afterward, we'd get ice cream over there. " She pointed towards a building with a giant ice cream cone and pizza slice that were holding hands. "This is the only golf course we know about that's open year-round because it has a whole indoor section. I figured you're having a shitty day, and I could use the pick-me-up, so…"

"Is everything okay?"

She shrugged. "I'll be fine."

"Your granddad?" I guessed. 99% of the time, Lucy's stress had to do with her grandpa. He had Alzheimer's and was living with them. When Lucy didn't have work, she almost always had to watch him.

Lucy nodded. "He had a bad night." When Lucy had told me about her grandpa, it had been kind of overwhelming. She, her dad, and her brother essentially traded off shifts so that he was never alone. I couldn't wrap my head around taking care of someone that couldn't remember me. I knew how much it weighed on her, and she'd been a mess when she told me about it, but you'd never know by looking at her. She always seemed so positive and optimistic and put together.

"I'm sorry."

She shrugged. "It's fine."

"No, it's not. It's okay to be upset about this. Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"He was just freaking out," she explained. "He kept asking for my grandmom, and he insisted we were keeping her from him." She shivered.

"That's awful."

"He doesn't remember her dying or going to the funeral. It was such a long time ago. It's getting worse, and I couldn't get him to calm down. "

"What did you end up doing?"

"I told him Grandma Linda had a headache and was resting. It's so messed up, but I didn't know what else to do."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "You shouldn't have to deal with that."

"I love my grandpa, but it's like he's not him anymore. He remembers my dad every now and then and always my grandmom because he knew her from the day she was born, but me and Logan? Nothing. We're strangers to him. We keep telling my dad…" she trailed off. "He's not ready to accept that my grandpa needs more help than we can give him." A single tear slipped down her cheek. I reached across my car and gave her an awkward one-armed hug.

This wasn't something I could help her with. Her dad was… not her grandpa's guardian but whatever you call the person responsible for making decisions for an adult that couldn't do it for themselves… power of attorney! That was it. Lucy had briefly explained it once. She loved her grandfather and dad enough to go along with whatever her dad wanted, but I thought it sucked that she was being stretched so thin with it.

"Come on. I have to go kick your butt at mini-golf. Loser buys the other lunch," I told her.

She wiped her face. "You're on."

It turned out we were both deeply mediocre at mini-golf and we were only made worse because we kept sabotaging the other but that inexplicably made it so much more fun. As we laughed and scored WAY over par, our woes and problems seemed to melt away. For a few hours, we could just be Lucy and Lake.

- . - . - . -

Adrian's POV

"Merry almost Christmas!" Jeffrey sang as he walked up to our lunch table. It was a half-day today, so we weren't actually eating lunch. The period was still built into the schedule, so we had to sit in here for twenty minutes before we could go back to class and watch whatever Christmas movie Ms. Gallagher chose. "These are from my dad. I told him how much you loved his sugar cookies."

He passed me a plastic container filled with cookies shaped like Christmas trees. "I love your dad!" I said excitedly. I took one out and bit into it. I didn't realize that Jeffrey was looking at me weirdly until I finished the cookie. "What? Did I get icing on my face again?" Jeffrey's dad had made turkey-shaped cookies for our class before Thanksgiving and had extravagantly decorated them. I hadn't realized that I'd gotten the icing from the feathers all over my face until Jeffrey had told me nearly an hour after I'd eaten my cookie.

He chuckled. "No. Actually… my mom and dad were wondering if you wanted to spend the night on New Year's. Now that I'm nine, they think I'm old enough to stay up until the ball drops this year, and I've never had a sleepover before. I thought it would be cool."

"Ooh. Yeah, so…"

"Or not," he quickly added.

"It's not that I don't want to, but my parents are kind of weird about sleepovers."

"Why?" he asked curiously.

"I don't really know," I admitted. I mostly had a distinct memory of Pilar freaking out because they told her she couldn't sleep over at her best friend's house when she was in the 6th grade. She'd said she didn't understand why church camp-outs or lock-ins were okay, but a night at her friend's house wasn't. Our parents held firmly to the no-sleepovers-before-middle-school-unless-Jesus-was-invited rule. I'd thought Pilar was going to get her way because she'd said that Jesus was wherever she was, but our mom hadn't budged on it.

"Can you at least ask?" he asked hopefully. He handed me a piece of paper. "My dad wrote this for your parents. He said he could talk to your mom or dad if they have questions. My brother's bringing a friend too but it would just be us."

"I'll ask," I promised. I tucked the paper into my pocket. "What did you ask for for Christmas this year?"

"Some video games," he told me. "What about you?"

"I've been dropping hints about a cat, but I don't think I'm going to get one." I looked down at the table. "They think Heather is enough."

"That's another reason you should come over. We have a cat named Tootsie."

"Tootsie?" I asked. He'd never mentioned a cat before.

Jeffrey grinned. "We got her when we moved here two years ago. My parents let me pick the name, and I have no regrets."

I laugh with him. "It's not Heather, but I guess it's fine."

"I still can't believe you named your turtle Heather."

"It's a beautiful name," I said defensively. "And she's a tortoise, not a turtle." I'd called her a turtle the first several months I'd had her until I brought her in during Science class about a month ago and had learned that there was a difference between turtles and tortoises. I thought that kind of stunk for her. For her own human not to call her the right thing, so I'd made a conscious effort to call her a tortoise. I liked to think Heather appreciated that.

He put his hands up. "Sorry. Tortoise," he acknowledged. "If you did get a cat, what would you name it?"

"It depends. I kind of like the name Rebecca if it's a girl or Holden if it's a boy. Can you imagine a little orange tabby named Rebecca?" I certainly could. I liked to think she would sleep in my bed. I loved Heather, but there were things she couldn't do.

Jeffrey got weird all of a sudden. "I have to go to the bathroom."

He literally jumped out of his seat. I didn't see him again until we were back in class.

- . - . - . -

Rahim's POV

The bell rang, and I literally could not wait to get out of here. It was officially winter break which meant an entire week of hanging out with Ryker or Pilar without having to think about school.

"Rahim, a moment."

I groaned. "Come on, Mrs. N. It's my winter break," I complained from my seat. I didn't try to stand up as my classmates filed out. Lucky them.

"Which means it's my winter break as well, and I'm just as unhappy about this as you are." I seriously doubted that. She sat on top of her desk and waited for Jackie to finish organizing her stuff. Jackie was always the last one to leave - usually, it didn't matter because I never stuck around to see how long she took; she was in most of my classes, so I only saw that she was almost always late to class. It was really inconvenient for me right now. "Have a wonderful break, hun."

"You too, Mrs. N." Jackie pulled her bag over her shoulder before she handed Mrs. N a tiny blue bag with white snowflakes on it. "Thank you for everything."

"You shouldn't have gotten me anything."

"It's just cookies. I made them," Jackie said with a small smile. "To spread some Christmas cheer. I made enough for your kids, but I won't judge if you don't share."

Mrs. N had a small smile on her face as she put the bag behind her. She waited for Jackie to leave before she asked, "do you know why I asked you to stay here?"

"What did I do?" I asked dejectedly.

She sighed. "Are you okay?"

Her question threw me off because I'd assumed this was going to be about the test we took last week. I was pretty sure I bombed it. Mostly because I'd left half of it blank. "Yeah. Why?" I asked.

"I know Geometry isn't your favorite," she started. I looked down at my desk because that was the understatement of the century. I hated Geometry. Mrs. N was fine, but she taught the worst subject ever. She flipped through some papers on her desk. "On your last test, you answered 9 of the 20 questions as 0, left 8 of them blank, and drew random pictures in the other 3. This-" she shook my test. "Isn't like you. So, what's going on?"

I closed my eyes. At the time, I'd just focused on filling stuff in. I didn't realize how bad it had been; I could've sworn I tried on some of them. "I'm sorry."

"If there's something that you want to talk about-"

"There's not. I just didn't understand what we were doing."

She sighed. "Okay. If you change your mind, my classroom is always open. In the meantime…" she grabbed a thick packet from her desk. "This is due the day you get back from break. It will go in for your test. If you don't do it, the 3 you got on your test will stand. I liked your drawings, so I gave you a point for each of them."

"You're giving me homework? You don't even give homework on a normal day." It was one of the few redeeming factors of the class. Maybe it sucked, but it specifically sucked during school hours. Until right now, apparently.

"You won't tell me what's going on, so I have to assume there are no extenuating circumstances to get in the way of you doing this."

I took a deep breath before I stood up and grabbed the packet. "Okay. Fine."

She looked really disappointed but let me take the packet. "Have a good break."

"You too," I said stiffly.

Ryker was waiting for me outside of the school. Usually, people lingered on the steps, but the day break started? Yeah, no one wanted to wait around at school. "Where were you? We're all going over to Riley's before we go to B's to celebrate break. You in?"

I glanced at the packet in my hand. "Yeah. I guess."

"What's wrong?"

"Mrs. N gave me homework."

Ryker raised their eyebrows at me. "What did you do to piss her off?"

I shrugged. "Nothing. I bombed my last test, so it's extra credit."

"Really?"

"Yeah. And she wanted me to tell her about my whole sad life but, for obvious reasons, I didn't want to do that."

I expected Ryker to be on my side and tell me how ridiculous Mrs. N was being, so I was surprised when they didn't. "Mrs. N's chill. Before I started eating with you, I used to spend lunch in her classroom. She lets anyone eat in there and we could do our own thing as long as it wasn't dangerous."

I felt a little guilty because I honestly hadn't given much thought to Ryker's lunch arrangement before we started eating together. The Monday after we met, they'd found me and, without talking about it, we'd sat together in the cafeteria.

"Do you want to start eating there again?"

They shook their head. "Nah. I prefer eating with you."

"Okay. You said we're going over to Riley's?"

"Yeah. You cool with that?"

"Let me just text my mom."

- . - . - . -

Isabel's POV

Victor came home right after school. I hadn't been expecting that; when he'd left this morning, he said he wouldn't be home until tomorrow.

"Hey. How was work?" he asked as he came in.

I'd gotten a part-time job teaching music to preschoolers through this local music program. I started at the beginning of December and hadn't realized how much I was going to love it. The program connected music teachers with small schools that couldn't justify a full-time staff member but didn't want to completely eliminate the music program. I went to different schools every day of the week, and I could honestly say it was my passion. "It was good. Come sit down for a minute." I tapped the kitchen table. I hadn't anticipated having this conversation face to face. Some cowardly part of me wanted to just text him so I wouldn't see his reaction, but I thought him coming home was a pretty clear sign from God that I needed to do this now.

He didn't sit down but came closer to me. "What's up? I was supposed to meet Benji at his house like ten minutes ago, but I forgot my overnight bag. We wanted to have lunch before his band rehearsal."

I tried not to cringe as I thought about Victor spending the night with Benji. I had to remind myself that he and Benji had been together for seven months and it was natural for them to be sleeping together at this stage in their relationship. I could practically hear Armando's voice about how hypocritical we'd be if we had a problem with it.

"I need to talk to you about Benji."

Instantly, Victor got stiff. I didn't know how long it would be before he trusted me again, but I really hoped it would be soon. I hated the fear and uncertainty that seemed to fill him every time we talked about Benji; I hated that it was justified. "What's up?" he asked.

I sat down at the kitchen table. "I know you asked about Benji coming to Christmas Eve mass and dinner with us," I started.

"Yeah. He's actually really excited for it. He's never been to church before." Victor got this affectionate smile on his face that kind of transformed his features. "He spent twenty minutes picking out his bowtie last night. His mom offered to iron his outfit for church."

"Right. Yes. It's great that he wants to come with us and experience church. You know I think anyone getting closer to the Lord is a great thing but…"

I could practically see Victor withdraw into himself. His smile was gone. "But?" His voice was quiet, but I could hear the underlying anger.

"Mijo, I only found out this morning, but your grandparents are coming in," I told him slowly. We shouldn't have been surprised; they celebrated every Christmas with us. Of course, they weren't going to start missing it now because one Christmas without my in-laws criticizing everything I do was apparently too much to ask for.

He relaxed a little. "So you're just giving me a heads up?" I could hear the hope in his voice. He badly wanted that to be the case, and I wanted to give that to him. I wanted to but I couldn't.

I rested my head in my hands. "You know they don't know about you. Your father and I haven't told anyone because we knew that was something you needed to do yourself."

"I know," he said softly. "I know that I have to be the one to tell people, and maybe Christmas Eve isn't the best time to tell them, b-"

"Exactly. Maybe Christmas Eve isn't the best time to tell them," I jumped in. I didn't need to hear his 'but'. "Christmas Eve is a time for celebrating and family. You're already spending Christmas with Benji. That's enough time, right?"

"So, you're uninviting him?" Victor asked incredulously.

"Of course not. You know we all love Benji," I started.

"Do I know that? Because I'm pretty sure you don't hide someone you love from your parents," Victor snapped.

"I'm not hiding him from my parents. I'm hiding him from your father's crazy parents," I argued. "I'm really not trying to hide him at all. If you still want to bring him here, then bring him here, but I want to make sure you know what you're walking into. You know them. It's not an 'if' they don't take it well; it'll be a 'when'."

"I don't care what I'm walking into, but what are you going to do once we walk in? When Abuelo has a problem with me or Abuela tells me that I've broken her heart, will you have my back?" I looked down at the table. He knew I couldn't promise that. My relationship with my in-laws was strained enough, but I tried to get along with them… I at least tried to avoid arguments that would put Natalia in a body bag and me in prison. "Great. Just great."

He disappeared into his bedroom and came out a minute later with his duffel bag. He hesitated at the door. "This whole time, I have been your biggest defender," he said quietly. "When you were struggling, I never gave up hope that you would find it in yourself to love me again despite this." I wanted to tell him I never stopped loving him and that I'd just needed time to come to terms with this part of him. I wanted to tell him I wasn't like that anymore. I didn't have a chance to. He let out a huffy breath. "I know that you love me and support me, but I don't know if that means anything if you can't support me in front of people that won't. I'm not ashamed of myself, so I'm not going to pretend I'm not gay. I'm sorry if that makes things harder for you, but I can't do that to myself. I'll see you tomorrow. So will Benji." The sound of the door slamming shut behind him echoed in my ears long after he left.

- . - . - . -

Victor's POV

I knocked on Benji's front door as I walked inside. "Benji?" I called.

"Kitchen!"

I walked into the kitchen in time to see Benji shirtless with an apron on. I raised my eyebrows at him. "Are you wearing pants?" I asked. I couldn't tell from where I was standing, but it really didn't look like it.

"Yeah. I spilled something on my shirt, and I didn't think you would mind," he explained.

"Mmm. You got that right," I agreed. I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. "Happy Christmas Eve Eve."

He turned his head and gave me a long kiss. "Christmas Eve Eve should be a national holiday," he murmured when we broke the kiss.

"It's your parent's anniversary, so I think that's close enough." I leaned on the island next to him. "When do they come back?"

"Not until tomorrow afternoon. We'll be at your place by the time they get here." I looked down at the island. "What?"

"Nothing," I said quickly. "I, uh, just found out that my grandparents are coming in."

Understanding lit up his features. "You're coming out to them tomorrow?" He confirmed.

"Yes. And introducing them to my handsome boyfriend." I reached towards him and ran my fingers through his hair. "It's not going to be pretty. It'll be me and you against the Salazars."

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"My mom wanted me to uninvite you," I admitted. She hadn't officially said it; she'd actually said the opposite, but I could tell.

"She said that?" He asked. "I thought you said she liked me now." He looked thoughtful for a second. "I thought she didn't hate me anymore, at least."

"She does like you. She just doesn't want to fight on Christmas Eve. She essentially said we're on our own."

"Do you want to uninvite me?"

"No!" My voice was louder than I intended it to be, and I was grateful Benji's parents weren't home. "I want you to be by my side for dinner, and I want to give you your Christmas gift when I give my family theirs, and I want to watch you experience midnight mass for the first time. I just also didn't want to not tell you how shitty my family's going to be." After everything we'd talked about on Monday, I felt like it would be better if he could prepare for that.

"It's going to be okay," he said confidently.

"But you've met my grandparents."

"They don't scare me."

"Wow. You are the bravest guy I know," I teased. Benji moved so he was in front of me.

"Yeah?" he asked. He got a mischievous smile on his face. "That kind of bravery seems like it deserves a reward."

I chuckled and gave him a quick kiss. "I might be able to think of something on a full stomach."

"Shit." He turned towards the oven and pulled something out that, to his credit, did not look burnt at all. He let out a dramatic sigh of relief. "It's okay. It might be a little dry, but it looks okay. Don't tell your mom. She'll kill me if she knows I forgot about her… whatever this is."

"I'll take your secret to the grave," I said solemnly. I looked in the glass container he'd reheated. "Pastelon."

"Yeah. That," he confirmed.

"When did she give you this?"

"Yesterday. She said you might not be spending the night with her, but you weren't going to go hungry. You do tell your mom that we feed you, right?" He took a bite and sighed happily. "I really need to learn how to cook like your mom one day."

I chuckled. "I'll give you a lesson," I promised. He fed me a forkful of it. "Though it won't be as good as this. She has the magic touch."

He took a bite and grinned. "If it comes out half as good, I'll consider that an accomplishment."

"If my mom made our lunch, why are you wearing an apron?"

"I made brownies." He pointed to a pan that was under a towel on the counter next to the oven.

"Tell me those are-"

"My mom's top-secret brownies. Yeah."

"You spoil me."

He rolled his eyes and took another bite. We ended up eating it right out of the container because we didn't feel like doing dishes and because we kind of lost track of what we were doing while we talked. It was flirty and fun and we ended up fork fighting for the last piece.

We were pretending to watch… I wasn't even sure what was on the TV when his alarm went off, reminding us that he had band practice. "What happened to Christmas Eve Eve being a national holiday?" I protested when he pulled the blanket off of me.

"It'll be a national holiday after rehearsal. Come on. I need my boyfriend there to tell me how great I sound. And then we can come back…" He trailed off, but he didn't need to finish. I knew what he wasn't saying.

It made me highly motivated to get to their practice space as quickly as possible. He'd kept up his end of the agreement when it came to his band. His friends had gotten a lot better with me. There were only a handful of jokes about how I was a meathead jock or how I was a baby gay or how I was practically straight, and he was always quick to tell them to stop. It was a game-changer. I felt like I'd been so stuck in my head, I hadn't really been able to hear his band when I'd gone to rehearsals or concerts. Now, I could fully appreciate his music and when I told him they sounded amazing, it was genuine.

I also wasn't going to pretend that it wasn't the teensiest bit satisfying to watch his bandmates get annoyed about how flirty they thought we were being. So, when Benji told me he was going to miss me while he was on stage, it was only sweeter when Stevie pretended to gag.

They practiced for a couple of hours. They were working on a few different songs. I recognized one of them because Benji had been working on the lyrics to it for a few weeks now. Benji and his guitar were a magical combination, but there was something captivating about hearing the song played by the whole band. It added such depth to it.

When he came over to where I was during a break, I gave him a quick kiss. "That's just part one of your reward because that song is amazing," I told him.

"You think?" he asked.

"I know. More people should get to hear that song because it would change their lives." I was laying it on pretty thick, but it was a really good song.

"We might actually have some news on that front. Stevie just let us know that we landed a gig for Sunday… a real gig because the opening band dropped out," he explained. "We were talking about whether or not we should play our new songs or whether we should stick with our tried and true covers."

"Definitely play the originals," I encouraged. "Even if everyone else hates them, I know one guy that can't wait to hear them again."

Benji grinned and ducked his head.

"If you two can keep your hands to yourself for ten seconds, we need to finalize our line-up," Coryn said as she walked over.

"I'll be right back," he promised.

"Miss you already."

"Jesus Christ," she muttered as she walked away. I was shaking from my effort to keep from laughing.

"I swear, you like messing with them like that," Benji said to me.

"So do you," I retorted.

"Can't argue with that." He gave me another quick kiss before he went back to his bandmates. Mylo said something that made Benji blush so fiercely I could see it from where I sat.

Finally, we got to go back to his big, empty house where we could properly celebrate Christmas Eve Eve.

- . - . - . -

Mia's POV

Neither of us had anticipated we'd be away so long. There was so much to experience in Portland. I'd had no idea that this was where my mother had grown up. Her dad had moved her across the country right before her senior year (I tried not to think about the irony of how we were in the same situation now), but this was where her roots had been.

And what roots she'd planted here. I'd met so many of her childhood friends. I was still having trouble wrapping my head around it. They painted such a different picture of her than the mom I'd known. A picture of an independent and strong-willed woman who they all were so sure was going to do great things with her life. A woman who was considered dependable and responsible and committed. I didn't know that woman.

We'd spent nearly two weeks in her best friend's spare bedroom listening to stories about how smart my mom had been and how much she'd done for others. She'd essentially spent her whole childhood and teenage years organizing food drives and volunteering. Coraline had shown us around Portland and had taken us to all of my mom's favorite spots when she was in high school. Coraline's twin daughters had joined us one day and seemed fascinated by 'Aunt Naomi'.

We'd spent another week with her first boyfriend, Jason. It could have been really awkward as he painted a picture of what a hopeless romantic she'd been. Except, he told us the stories with his newborn daughter in his arms which, surprisingly, took the edge off of it.

We were currently staying in a motel room and scoping out Portland for ourselves. So far, no one that knew my mom knew where she might be, but I held out hope that we might stumble upon her grocery shopping or something. I wasn't sure I would recognize her enough to know if I was walking past her every day. Five years could have changed her.

Today, though, Andrew had some kind of plan for us that he insisted had nothing to do with my mother.

We both knew this was our last day in Portland. We were leaving later this afternoon and would drive through the night to be back in Atlanta in time for Christmas tomorrow. Though, I doubted it would be much of a Christmas considering we'd both be grounded before we could put the car in park.

I picked us up bagels for breakfast and walked back to our room. Andrew was sitting on our bed with an angry look on his face. "Uh oh. I know that look." He turned to glare at me. "Precalculus?" We'd emailed all of our teachers for work and had done a pretty mediocre job of staying on top of what we were supposed to be doing. I figured this was his way of trying to get caught up before we went back to school after the new year. Ugh. School. Part of me missed it, but the bigger part of me felt like it would be so hard to return to the mundane life of school after the last few weeks I'd had.

"This has always been so easy, but Mr. Power's notes may as well be in a different language."

"You should have been in dumb people's math like me," I said smugly. Ms. Jasper didn't expect much of me; she essentially sent me notes to copy over and two practice problems a week. "Take a break. I got bagels."

I plopped the bag down on the bed in front of him before I sat down. "With raisins," he said appreciatively. "Perfect."

He leaned over and kissed me. His mouth still tasted like toothpaste. "So, here's the plan for today. I was thinking we could do a late lunch at Patty's after we go to the art museum. If we're on the road by three or four, we should get to Atlanta around noon tomorrow. When I checked last night it said it would be just over 19 hours, so if we stock up and trade off driving when we get gas, we should make it."

"Perfect." It really wasn't perfect. It would be perfect if we were leaving Portland with more answers and fewer questions, but there was nothing we could do about that. We couldn't justify staying away any longer. It was a testament to how much my dad knew he screwed up that we got as much time as we did. I texted him every couple of days to let him know that I was fine, and I got the same response every single time. Okay. That was it. Nothing about how he missed me; he never asked me to come home; he never even asked where I was. I had no idea what to make of it. Admittedly, he definitely knew I was in Portland because our trip had been sponsored by my credit card and we were both on the account. I wondered if he'd connected the dots. I never knew where my mom was from, but I'd bet my dad did.

We ate breakfast quickly. I was kind of sad to leave. There was something bittersweet about seeing where my mom grew up and experiencing what she experienced. I didn't understand how she'd turned from the teenager everyone described to the woman that just walked out.

The art museum was everything I'd pictured. We were looking at a sculpture and trying to figure out if it was a dancing woman or a fish balancing on its fins when it happened. A woman with huge, thick glasses and long white hair that made her look distinctly witchy came up to us. "Naomi?" she asked. She squinted at me. "No. Too young."

I glanced at Andrew. "Are you talking about Naomi Thomas?" I asked uncertainly.

The woman studied me for a moment. "You're Mia," she said softly. "I've only ever seen pictures of you. You're a dead ringer for your mama when she was your age."

"I… I am?" I asked. I'd seen pictures of my mom that Coraline and Jason had kept, and one of her friends had yearbooks that my mom was in from Kindergarten through her Junior year. I didn't think I looked drastically different from her, but I thought 'dead ringer' was a stretch. "I'm sorry. You knew my mom?"

"I know your mom," she corrected. "We worked here together when she was in high school. I was devastated when she moved. She fell in love with art here; I've been working here for over forty years and no one ever came close to feeling as at home here as she did. Shame what happened."

"What's a shame?" I asked.

"Her whole situation. No one should have had to take on the burden she took on."

"What do you mean?"

"You know your gran passed from cancer." I nodded. I remembered my dad telling me about that when I was younger. It was one of the things he and my mom had connected over because his mom had just gotten sick when they'd met. They found solace with one another. "Well, your granddaddy didn't deal with it well. Turned into a real nasty drunk. Naomi used to say that here, amongst all the sculptures and paintings, was the only place she felt at peace. The weight of the world was on her shoulders. She worked to keep a roof over her head and to keep her brother fed. She couldn't keep up with the bills, and about a year after she passed, your mama reached out to an aunt in Georgia, and they all up and left. I always hope I'll be able to convince her to come back here one day, but I think it holds too many bad memories. She keeps in touch, but it's not the same."

"She keeps… do you know where she is?" I asked.

"I haven't talked to her since… end of July, maybe early August. We talk on the FaceTime every now and then."

Andrew snorted. "The FaceTime," he whispered under his breath.

"Last I heard, she was working at a gallery in Chicago. She was all excited because they were going to start displaying her work."

"Illinois?" I confirmed. "Do you have an address?"

"Sorry, sweetie."

I had to sit down when she walked away. "Are you okay?" Andrew asked.

I shook my head. He sat down next to me. "I… I thought I was chasing a dead-end, but this is a real lead," I said softly. "I think… I know we've been away so long, but I think I need to go to Chicago."

"Of course you do. We've been gone a month. What's a few more weeks?" he asked.

"This is crazy," I whispered. I didn't feel like it was actually a choice; I had to go to Chicago, but I wasn't sure I could. "We can't just take off and go to Chicago."

"Why not? We took off and came here," he pointed out.

"Are you sure about this? We've missed so much school already, and we're going to miss the holidays with our families and…" I was sure there were other reasons this was a terrible idea, but I couldn't think of them.

"What's a little more school? And who cares if we miss the holidays. I am spending the holidays with exactly who I want to be with. I don't know what your family is doing, but mine will be celebrating with a bunch of rich dudes in stiff suits eating really terrible but fancy hor d'oeuvres that my dad dropped way too much money on. It's not even a competition. But if you want to go back…"

"No," I cut him off. "You're right. I need to do this."

- . - . - . -

Felix's POV

I showed up at the Salazar's at 1:30. Pilar had told me to be here by 2, and I had crippling anxiety at the thought of being late but I also didn't want to be too early, so I waited outside the door while the seconds crept by. I tried to figure out when it would stop being too early to knock on the door.

I realized that I could've just texted her that I was here and let her make the decision about it, but it was too late. I heard footsteps behind me and saw Victor and Benji round the corner. They were holding hands and Victor had a huge smile on his face. Each of them held bags in their free hands. "What's up my Christmas companions?" I asked.

Benji bit his lip to hide his laughter while Victor rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that definitely goes on the list." 'The list' was Victor's running tally of all the nicknames I shouldn't call him or Benji; if I used them, he didn't get annoyed or anything, but it usually preceded him jokingly throwing a towel or a roll of toilet paper or a jacket at me.

"What's wrong with Christmas companions?"

"It's not as bad as handy hermanos," Benji pointed out.

"That was another really solid one," I argued. I'd heard it after I said it, but I still stood by it. Pilar and I had accidentally put a hole in the wall in her bedroom while we'd been playing cards. Benji and Victor had heard us and after Victor had stopped laughing and had calmed down enough to ask us what had happened, we needed to figure out how to cover up a hole. We still couldn't figure out how we went from trying to grab a particular card we both needed to my elbow going through her wall. Benji had amazed us all with an ability to spackle - he refused to explain how he'd learned, but you could barely tell that there had ever been a hole. Aside from the whole missing paint thing.

Victor chuckled. "Whatever. Are you ready to meet my grandparents?" He looked really nervous.

"They know about you, right?" I confirmed.

"Uh… not exactly."

"Which is Victor talk for not at all," Benji added. "It will be fine."

"No, it won't be. But we'll be fine." Victor brought Benji's hand to his cheek before he let it fall. He was seriously next-level-in-love with Benji.

Victor being here eliminated the need to knock, but I felt weird just walking in, so I nervously tapped my hand on the door frame as I crossed the threshold.

As if she could sense us, Pilar came out of her room, and a smile crossed her face when she saw me. When it was just the two of us, her smiles came easier and I was able to see the soft marshmallow she was actually made of. Around others, she was much more reserved. I think she was afraid to let them see how much she liked me.

I hugged her and, aware that Victor was about half a foot away from me, gave her a very, very quick kiss. Victor insisted he was fine with me being with Pilar, but I had to assume he still felt weird about it. I felt weird about it; it was like there was an entire part of my life I couldn't talk to him about. Pilar was definitely worth the weirdness, but I still tried to make it less awkward for all of us.

"Mom?" Victor called.

Isabel came out of the kitchen. She was wearing a long, deep green dress under her apron. "Benji, good to see you again." She gave Benji a stiff hug. I didn't know what had gone down because the last time I'd seen them, she'd been much less weird with Benji.

"Mrs. Salazar," Benji greeted. "Thank you for having me." His words sounded almost forced, which surprised me. Benji was usually perfectly pleasant with her.

"Felix, this is a surprise."

"Felix is here as my boyfriend," Pilar said with a shrug. I knew she hadn't told her parents yet because she wanted to see where things were going, so I felt a particular thrill when she called me her boyfriend. "I figured if Benji was invited, Felix was too."

Isabel's face lit up with surprise for a few seconds before she recovered. "Great. Your abuelos called. They're running late, but they should be here around 2:30."

Victor relaxed and looped his hand through Benji's before they disappeared into his bedroom while I followed Pilar to the kitchen. "Is there anything I can help with?" I asked.

"No, I think we're good. You can just make yourself comfortable." Pilar had warned me that her mom wouldn't let me near her food but that I should offer to help anyway, so I wasn't surprised. I went to sit in the family room. After a few minutes, Pilar joined me as we waited for her grandparents.

- . - . - . -

Victor's POV

A knock on my door had Benji and me springing apart. We were never, ever, ever going to have sex in my bedroom when any of my family were home again, but Benji still needed to hastily rebutton a few buttons on his shirt before I called, "come in."

It was a sign of how scarred my mom had been by that ordeal that she waited for my all-clear to open my door. "They're here," she said.

I nodded. "Okay. We'll be out in a minute."

She opened and closed her mouth, and I really thought she was going to say something to us. Instead, she nodded and stepped out.

"Brrr," Benji commented.

I stood up. "If you think that's cold, get ready for some frostbite," I muttered.

Benji chuckled. "It's a good thing you make me feel so warm," he teased.

I had to look away from him because his words, while joking, made me feel so many things.

We walked out to the living room. I wanted nothing more than to grab his hand but I knew if there was even the slightest chance of my grandparents being okay with this, it would disappear if they saw us holding hands.

They were both hugging Adrian when we got there. Felix and Pilar were sitting on the couch and sat up a little straighter when they saw me. I really hoped that would stop being weird soon because they really were kind of perfect for each other. Pilar was in a constant state of happiness and that was way more important than my discomfort.

My grandparents doted over me for a minute. I didn't think either of them recognized Benji from my birthday party because they didn't acknowledge him. "Uh, hey. I don't know if you remember, but this is Benji," I introduced. "He is my boyfriend."

I held my breath while I waited for their reaction.

My grandmother looked confused until my grandfather whispered something to her that I couldn't hear. He pointed at Felix then at Benji. Whatever he said seemed to appease my grandmother. "Nice to meet you, Benji," my grandmother said before she turned back to Adrian. That was it. That was her whole reaction. I waited for anger or indignation or disgust, but she just left it there.

I was feeling pretty good by the time we got around to exchanging gifts. I think we all were. There was a weird tension as if none of us could quite believe that my grandparents were taking this so well. They didn't make a single comment to him over dinner and didn't talk about him in Spanish so he wouldn't be able to understand them. I should have known it wouldn't last.

Benji had given my mom this beautiful painting he'd made with the quote 'home is where the heart is'. My mom was actually in tears when she opened it and the hug she gave Benji was genuine. "Uh, that's from both of us," I joked once I saw how much she liked it.

"Ah, yes. Victor put a lot of effort into telling me how good it looked every step of the way," Benji tossed back.

"It is a full-time job."

My mom smiled as we went back and forth, and I kind of felt euphoric. It was a feeling of weightlessness and fullness and love and the impossibility that I'd somehow been so completely wrong about my grandparents.

Benji pulled me from my thoughts. "I'll give you your real gift tomorrow, but here's a little something. I know we agreed homemade, and this was homemade, just not by me. Wendy made these." I couldn't get mad at him because I'd cheated too. My gift for him today had been homemade, but I'd bought him a gift for tomorrow. He passed me a small box. I opened it and saw a thin bracelet inside. There was a tiny, silver charm that had his initials on it. He shook down his sleeve and I could see a nearly identical bracelet sitting on his wrist. When I looked closer, his said 'VS'. "You don't have to wear it…"

"I want to," I assured him. I held out my wrist to him and he slipped the bracelet on and tightened it. He held onto my hand with both of his, so I brought my free hand up. "Thank you. It's amazing."

He opened his mouth to say something before he frowned. He squeezed my hands tightly and nodded at something behind me.

I turned to see my abuelo staring at our entwined hands with a red face. He started speaking rapidly in Spanish and gestured towards us. "Abuelo, I told you he was my boyfriend," I interrupted him mid-rant.

"I thought you meant a friend who's a boy," he snapped. "Just like Pilar's friend." He pointed towards Felix. I looked at Pilar, and she looked as confused as I felt.

"Also my actual boyfriend," Pilar said.

Our grandfather looked like he was having a heart attack.

"Um, yeah. So, yeah… uh…" It wasn't particularly eloquent, but I was kind of confused by this. "I'm with Benji… I'm gay." It was probably what I should have said in the first place, but I'd had no idea they would misunderstand me. Who heard that someone had a boyfriend and assumed that meant a friend who was a boy? Someone who was deeply in denial, apparently.

"Ay, dios mio. This is what happens when you take off and move across the country," my grandmother said. Her hand was over her heart. "What are you doing about this?" She shot an accusatory look at my parents.

"We love Victor, and we want him to be happy," my dad said. He looked like he was kind of desperate to defuse the situation.

"Happy," she seethed in Spanish. "This is not the way to be happy."

I stared at her horrified.

"Um, Adrian?" Pilar said abruptly. "Part of my Christmas gift to you is that you get to watch any video of your choosing with me." She stood up and held out her hand. "Come on. Let's pick one."

Adrian hesitated only a moment before he followed her to his bedroom. I felt a little more capable of having this conversation without having to worry about what Adrian might overhear.

- . - . - . -

Armando's POV

I switched to Spanish. "Mami, that's not fair. You know he can't help this."

"Really, papi? I can't help it?" Victor asked annoyed. I really didn't know what I said that was so wrong.

"He can help it," my mother said to me. "You need to shut this down."

"Stop," Victor said. "I'm sorry if you don't understand this, but I am who I am, and I'm not ashamed of that."

My mother stared at him with a stony look on her face. "He's the boy from your party, isn't he?"

"From my birthday? Yes," Victor confirmed. "We've been dating since May."

"This isn't right," my mom said. "You have to see that. You're just confused is all. This isn't you."

"It's not wrong," he insisted. He was still holding Benji's hand and I could see the strain of his grip in his knuckles. I wondered if Benji didn't notice or if he just didn't care. Victor turned to look at Benji. "How can it be wrong? When I'm with him, I feel so happy. I would hope that that's what you want for me."

My mother only shook her head. She turned to my dad. "Say something!"

"Would you mind speaking English?" Victor asked. "If you're going to insult my boyfriend, you might as well do it to his face." I had a feeling it was partially for his benefit as well. All of our kids understood enough Spanish to get by in a conversation but they were a far stretch from being fluent.

My mother's lip curled when she heard him call Benji his boyfriend. "I will not be surrounded by this. He shouldn't be here."

"This is my apartment and he is my guest. He's not going anywhere," Victor protested. He looked at me helplessly. "Papi?" I hung my head. I didn't need to look at him to know the disappointment that would twist his features. I didn't know what the right thing to do was; I never stood up to my parents - it was easier to just let things slide. This was very quickly turning into a situation I couldn't let slide. "Benji, I think we should go."

"No," Isa said strongly. She stood up tall and put her hands on her hips. "Benji is our guest here. We invited him so he could spend the holiday with his boyfriend, whom he loves. Victor is exactly who he is supposed to be and is with exactly who he's meant to be with. You can either deal with that or you can be the ones to leave. I'm not going to ask him to apologize for who he is, Natalia."

I stared at her amazed. Her relationship with my parents had always been rocky, but she usually went through all the ways she could fight them when they were gone and kept her happy face on when she was with them. This was the second time that Isa had stood up to them; it seemed she was willing to do a lot to support Victor. "Isa is right," I finally said. "Benji is a welcome guest here." I stood up and put my hand on Victor's shoulder. "We support and love both of them."

Thank you, Victor mouthed. I nodded once.

My parents ended up staying, but they didn't try to hide their lack of enthusiasm. Victor said he didn't mind that they had a problem with it, but I could see it was getting to him. It had to be getting to Benji too, but he never let it show.

When Isa announced that we should freshen up for church, Benji and Victor practically ran to Victor's bedroom and Adrian followed Isa to the kitchen. It was then that Adrian asked Isa, "why were they so upset with Victor?"

Isa frowned. Adrian knew nicknames and some words in Spanish, but I'd be very surprised if he was able to follow everything my parents had said before Pilar got him out of the living room. Isa and I frequently took advantage of the fact that he couldn't fully understand us if we spoke Spanish. A lot of arguments happened in falsely happy voices around Adrian.

"Well, mijo. Your grandparents met Benji for the first time today. They… take some time to warm up to people. They took months to get used to me when we started to date, so they just need time," Isa explained.

"But why? Benji's great."

"Benji is great," Isa confirmed. "But sometimes when you love someone, it's hard to believe that anyone's good enough for them. Don't worry about this too much. They'll come around and love Benji as much as we all do. Now, brush your teeth and get ready. We're leaving in fifteen minutes." Isa kissed his forehead before he ran to his bedroom.

"Thank you for that," I said softly. "For defending them."

"I don't want him to hate his grandparents," she said stiffly.

When it was time to go, I went to let Benji and Victor know. They left his door propped open just a little bit, and my curiosity got the better of me. I got there in time to hear Victor say, "like a beach."

Benji laughed in response, so I knew I missed something. "We could always go back to Lake Lanier for a few days over break. Rearrange our schedules and get away from this mess for a little while."

"Except, I think we should really do that. We can get our cabin crew back together… Oh… or not."

"Yeah. I think we're the only surviving couple of our cabin crew," Benji pointed out. "That was one of the best weekends of my life."

"Mine too," Victor agreed. "Thank you for this. I wasn't sure how you'd do with my grandparents. And in case you didn't know, you are literally perfect."

"I'm okay, actually. It helped to know what I was walking into… and that I don't actually know what they said. We just have to get through church with your grandparents and then we can plan our getaway. It'll be our reward."

"Deal," Victor confirmed.

It got quiet, so I pushed open the door. I expected to see them kissing, but they were just hugging each other tightly. It kind of warmed my heart to see it. Benji and Victor broke apart and I pretended not to know what I'd just interrupted. "We're getting ready to leave."

"We'll be right out," Victor promised.

- . - . - . -

Benji's POV

I thought Victor and I were quite the power couple as we walked up to the looming church. He looked breathtaking in his suit - the same one he'd worn to Spring Fling seven months ago. I'd thought we were going to look dressed up but people really pulled out all the stops for midnight mass.

Victor had told me that mass wouldn't start until 11 (I thought that kind of contradicted the whole idea of a MIDNIGHT mass, but what did I know?). When I'd asked why we had to get here so early, he'd compared finding seats to the Hunger Games. As the church filled, I kind of understood what he meant. The church was more than halfway full when we'd arrived and fifteen minutes before mass would start, the church was uncomfortably full with people starting to line up against the walls because the pews were full.

A lot of those people stopped by to talk to Victor's mom once they got settled. She was clearly well known in the church. I was a little surprised to realize that they knew who Victor and I were.

There were some confused looks when Isabel introduced me. She didn't introduce me as Victor's boyfriend and we weren't holding hands, but it was obvious that most people that stopped by knew exactly who I was. No one made that big of a deal about it. I wasn't expecting that. I'd been really nervous when Victor asked me about coming to church, but he'd pointed out that if we were going to be together long term, church on Christmas and Easter would be an inevitability, and we might as well get used to it now. After that, I'd tried to look overly enthusiastic to be initiated into this part of his life.

I still wasn't convinced that God wasn't trying to figure out how to smite me with lightning without getting the habitual churchgoers, but it was nice that so many people at the church were so welcoming. The people that weren't okay with seemed to stay far away.

When the music started, it was kind of amazing. I hadn't been expecting that. I'd heard church music in movies and stuff, but to be surrounded by organs and the actual chorus of people singing was a completely different experience. Isabel sang along with the songs from memory and when I asked if I could join, she showed me where the songs were in the program I'd grabbed when we got to church. When the first song finished, I turned to see Victor staring at me.

"What?" I asked.

He shrugged, but the small smile on his face didn't go anywhere. "Nothing."

I nudged him with my elbow. "Okay, weirdo," I teased.

"You seem okay here," he observed.

"I am. I think I can handle coming here on Christmas and Easter."

"And one other time," his mom interjected. "Because I will not let my son be a Chreaster."

I snorted and it took actual effort to calm myself down. Victor had given me a list of topics to avoid while at church and 'Chreaster' had been written at the top in big, capital letters. I hadn't realized it would actually come up. "The music here is beautiful," I said to change the subject.

"Have you talked to the priest about joining the choir?" Victor asked.

"Not yet. I'll talk to him in the new year."

The music suddenly shifted and the priest came out. I thought he was going to start this thing, but he mostly mingled and greeted everyone as he made his way to the back of the church.

"Isabel," he greeted as he clasped her hands.

"Father Michael."

He greeted each member of Victor's family as if they were his own relatives and was gracious with his grandparents. Then he got to us. "This must be Victor?" Isabel nodded. "And you must be Benji. I've heard so much about both of you. It is so nice to meet you. Welcome."

I tried to keep the surprise off of my face as he shook my hand before he moved on to the next family. Victor turned to his mom. "So, he's… cool with us?"

"Very cool," his mom confirmed. "I told you I wanted to scope the place out. His exact words when I told him about you were that he believes love looks different for everyone and if someone has love in their heart, they have a place in this church."

Victor leaned his head on her shoulder for a second and she brought her hand up to the side of his head. He muttered something in Spanish. His mom said something back (I only recognized the word, 'amore') before he sat up. With a determined look on his face, he looped his hand through mine while we waited for mass to start.

Yeah. I didn't think church was too bad at all.

- . - . - . -

Lake's POV

I didn't technically sneak out of my house. My mom knew I left; she just thought I was running last-minute errands instead of secretly meeting Lucy.

I got to the park after Lucy. When she'd suggested we meet here to exchange Christmas gifts, I'd jumped on it. It was isolated and quiet; I thought it was perfect.

Lucy would be leaving to go to her aunt's house in just an hour. They'd stay there until New Year's Eve which would kind of suck, but she was excited to see her cousin. It was going to be a long week without her. I hadn't gone more than a day without seeing her since Mia took off, and I felt like I was already mentally preparing myself for how much this was going to suck.

She was sitting down with her arms back. Her eyes were closed as the sun shone on her. She kind of looked like she should be on a beach or something instead of bundled up in her winter jacket. "Hey," I said, lightly kicking her foot.

Her eyes flew open, and she squinted towards me. "You're late."

"Sorry. My mom and dad are hosting an after-Christmas party tomorrow, so she's trying to get the finishing touches on decorations and stuff. It's been a time and a half at my house this morning." My mom was the only person I knew who decorated one way for Christmas pictures and then immediately disassembled and changed the decorations to 'more suitable work decor'.

"Maybe a present will cheer you up."

"You certainly know the way to my heart," I teased. The moment the words were out, I fidgeted uncomfortably. We still hadn't talked about this whole thing between us.

Lucy didn't seem to notice. "So, we'd agreed on experiences, right?" We'd been watching a really terrible (yet addicting - we couldn't look away) Christmas movie where the main characters had decided to give each other experiences - movie tickets or something they could go to together - and we had both looked at each other immediately. It was one of those moments where we were totally in sync, and we'd decided to do that as well.

I nodded eagerly. "Do you want to go first or do you want me to go first?"

"I'll go. I kept thinking about that first time that we hung out… not the night of the wedding, but the next day. We ended up walking around Midtown and getting to know each other. We went to this little diner and you told me about how you used to help your grandmother cook a lot when you were little and you thought you wanted to be a chef until… you know, stuff got in the way.' Stuff being pretty significant body image issues and my mom's skepticism that I'd ever be attractive and skinny if I was a chef. "I know you don't want to be a chef anymore, but there's this place in Midtown that hosts little cooking lessons of sorts. Then they rank everyone's food and if you come in first, you win another free lesson. The second Wednesday of every month, they do teams. I thought it would be fun if we did that together."

I stared at her. I hadn't expected her to remember that. "That's… wow. Yes," I said eagerly. "I love that."

"Great," she said enthusiastically.

"So, my gift to you is, oddly enough, also related to what you want to be when you're older."

"Okay," she said slowly.

"You told me that you want to be a lawyer because you want to give a voice to the people that have been silenced by the justice system," I told her. I remembered that those were her exact words because they had given me chills at the time and still felt really powerful to me. "The National Center for Civil and Human Rights is in Atlanta. I don't know if you've ever been there, but I haven't and I figured even if you have, you can tell me more about what happened than some museum can.

Her mouth was open in a little 'O' until she threw her arms around me. "That literally might be the most perfect gift. I've been trying to find someone to go with me for a long time. I can't wait." She pulled back just a little. "Thank you." Something warm and heady seemed to fill the space between us, and my heart started to pound in my chest. This was it. I knew it in my soul. This was our moment. Lucy glanced down at my lips and when I tilted my head, she started to lean down.

It was like waves of anticipation rolled over me. I was terrified and excited and I felt like the butterflies in my stomach were flapping their little wings as if they were competing in a race. Just as I closed my eyes, my phone started to ring.

I had never been so mad at the universe. Seriously. I needed like five more seconds and I would've gotten the kiss I'd been dreaming about for almost a month, but no. Maybe it was a sign that we were interrupted. "You have to be freaking kidding me." I pulled out my phone and saw it was my mom. I considered ignoring it, but our moment had shattered. "Hey, mom." My voice sounded fake and cheery to me.

"Where are you?" she asked.

She sounded kind of weird. "I told you. I stepped out to get some…" I scrambled because I couldn't remember the excuse I'd fabricated when I left my house.

"You need to come home."

"What? Why?" I asked.

"Your father is here." Her voice was stiff and uncomfortable.

"Um… I'll be right there."

"Everything okay?" Lucy asked.

"My dad's at my house." I wondered if I sounded as stiff as I felt. Why Christmas? Why did he have to come on the most magical day of the year? He popped in a few times a year. It always led to an incredibly awkward meal where none of us knew what to say and ended with a 'well this has been fun' from him before he left.

"Didn't you say he and your mom were throwing a party?"

"No. Well, yes, but that's actually my stepdad. I call him dad because my mom married him when I was two, and aside from the whole he-didn't-make-me thing, he's my dad. He adopted me and everything."

"Oh. I didn't know you lived with your stepdad. You never said."

"Yeah. I don't like to talk about it because my birth father is a deadbeat that created this whole fake life to get with my mom. He was a one-night stand that didn't want anything to do with my mom once he got what he wanted and only reluctantly wanted something to do with me because I was his child support investment. I'm sorry. I don't know why I just told you all of that."

"I'm glad you did. I'm so sorry. I didn't know," Lucy said quietly. That was because I never talked about it. I hadn't even talked about it with Felix aside from telling him that my birth father wasn't in the picture unless it was convenient for him. My mom and I hadn't talked about it since she told me the truth about him when he didn't show up for my eighth birthday despite promising to be there.

"I have to go. I'm really sorry." I hesitated for a moment. "I'll see you when you get back?"

Lucy nodded. "Text me later. Let me know how it goes with your dad. If you need to talk, call me."

"I will." I briefly considered leaning up and trying for that kiss again, but whatever soft warmth had wrapped around us before had disappeared. "Have fun. And merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas." I got a quick hug from her before I jogged back to my car.

- . - . - . -

Victor's POV

I texted Benji when I got outside of his house. The dress code was 'Christmas casual' and Benji had helped me pick out my outfit a few days ago, so I hoped I looked okay. I waited for Benji to come outside because there were easily at least twenty cars along the street and there was no way in hell I was walking into that house by myself. Benji had told me his dad had a big family, but I was starting to think that was an understatement. I'd always thought my extended family was huge, but they were probably comparable.

Benji came outside and gave me a long kiss. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas. Do all of these cars belong to your family?"

Benji glanced around. "And then some," he confessed. "We have some family staying at the Marriott and my uncle made a few trips to get them all here." This was just his dad's side. His mom's side had a separate Christmas celebration in January, but Benji had assured me that was much smaller and also a lot more formal. "I have a cheat sheet for you." He pulled up his phone where he'd made me, I kid you not, a presentation of his family members including pictures that he'd photoshopped little Christmas hats onto. He'd titled it 'Christmas with the Campbells'. It wasn't overwhelming at all. When did he even have time to make this? We'd barely been apart the last three days.

"Do you actually know all these people?" I asked as I scrolled through

He grinned at me and nodded. "I told you that my dad has seven brothers and sisters, all of whom are married with kids. I have twenty-three cousins and nineteen of them are here today. You'll pick up on their names quickly." He kissed me before he pulled me inside.

There were so many cousins. So many. Some had kids, some were pregnant, some were married and brought their spouses, some were recently divorced. Benji was one of the youngest amongst his cousins, and it was kind of surreal to be surrounded by so many people that had lived so much more than we had, and they all talked to us like we were on the same level. His oldest cousin was his dad's age and had a kid that was a year older than Benji; his youngest cousin was a few months younger than he was and didn't seem to particularly care for Benji. There was such an age difference, it was kind of hard to keep track of everything.

Benji proudly introduced me as his boyfriend, and most of his family members seemed really curious to get to know me. They must've made close to a hundred jokes about how we must be really serious because he never brought Derek to a function that involved the entire family. I wasn't happy about that, but I wasn't not happy about that. It would never not be weird to be compared to Derek, but I didn't mind so much when it wasn't his bandmates telling me why Derek was a better boyfriend.

There was a lot that went into Christmas with his family. Between Benji's grandfather, the aunts, uncles, cousins, partners of the cousins, and kids of the cousins, there had to have been well over seventy people in Benji's house. His house was huge, so I couldn't say we were crammed, but it was a lot to keep track of.

His grandpa nearly had me in tears when he hugged me and told me how happy he was to meet me. I grabbed Benji's wrist and told him I was running to his bathroom. I really ended up hiding out in his bedroom for a few minutes so I could collect myself.

I wasn't fast enough because Benji came to find me. "What's going on?" he asked.

I stood up from my position on the edge of his bed. "Nothing. I just needed a minute."

He motioned for me to sit back down and sat next to me. "We agreed to talk about this stuff."

I closed my eyes. "You just have an amazing family," I told him quietly. "They seem happy to see you happy." I clasped my hands together tightly. "I'm just really happy that they're so great and that you wanted me to meet them. I'm sorry it wasn't like that with my grandparents. I'm sorry that your family is perfect and mine is so… messy."

"Don't apologize for that," he said softly. "It's not your fault. It sucks, yeah, but it's not your fault. For the record, I have family that's not cool with this; they're just not here. They'd rather miss family Christmas than spend it with me."

"They're the ones that are missing out. You're literally the best, Benji."

"Literally?" He raised his eyebrows and the corners of his lips twitched as if he was fighting a smile.

"Literally," I confirmed. My eyes fluttered closed as he leaned in to kiss me. When his hand went to my pants I pulled back. "We can't. There are like a thousand people downstairs."

"No one's going to notice we're gone, and we'll be quiet." He briefly stood up and locked the door. "And now, even if they try to find us, they can't get in." He got my belt unlooped. In defense of him, I really wasn't putting up much of a fight… I wasn't putting up any of a fight… okay, I was actively helping him with the unclothing situation.

"But-" he pulled back to look at me (and to throw my belt to the side of his bed). It took one look at him for all of my reasons to fade away. "Screw it." I fumbled with the buttons on his shirt.

"That's the spirit."

When we rejoined the party, no one seemed to have noticed that we'd disappeared.

- . - . - . -

Pilar's POV

"Okay, what do you think about this one?" I asked. I stood in front of my camera.

"Maybe find a dress that doesn't make you look like you're about to go work a corner," Rahim suggested. I glared at him. He put up his hands defensively. "You asked for my honest opinion. That dress is way too short for a meet-the-mother dinner, much less a meet-the-mother Christmas dinner. I could see you wearing that if you intentionally wanted to piss your mom off, but you're meeting the mom of the guy that you like."

"Why don't you just come over and help me pick something out?" I asked.

His face darkened. "I dunno…"

"Victor's not even here," I told him. "He's not going to be back until tomorrow. There is no risk whatsoever of you running into him." I dropped my voice. "Though the two of you need to talk eventually." I was kind of over this pining, sad version of Rahim. I knew it was mean of me to say, but I missed his usual attitude. I had a newfound respect for every person that had ever put up with my angst. I was also kind of over how awkward things were with Benji and Victor every time I brought up Rahim. Everything about this sucked.

"I heard that. If Victor wants to talk, he knows where to find me," Rahim said bitterly. "Now focus. You're meeting Felix's mother. You need an outfit that is respectable without being as church girl as your first one was."

"This would be so much easier if you were here. My mom bought all these Keto snacks for you that are just getting stale."

"I'm sorry, P. Try on your next outfit and let me know when you're ready."

It took nearly an hour for Rahim to give an outfit his seal of approval. It would've been quicker if he'd been willing to come over, but I was trying to be a supportive friend.

When it was time to go over Felix's apartment, I felt fear grip me. This was the first time I was meeting someone's parents like this; with both of my previous boyfriends, I'd known their parents before we started dating. It didn't help that I knew his mother loved Lake, and I was pretty sure she was going to be comparing me to her the entire night.

I knocked nervously and was relieved when Felix was the one to answer the door. "Wow," he said quietly. "You look beautiful." He had a way of looking at me that kind of made me feel like a goddess.

"Thanks." He gave me a quick kiss before he took my hand.

"What's that? You gave me my gift yesterday."

"Oh. It's a little something for your mom."

He stopped moving. "You got my mom a gift?"

"It's just some Swedish Fish and that little ceramic girl with the backpack that you said she broke when she was… not feeling well. Should I not have?" I asked uncertainly.

He stared at me. "You got her… No. Wait, I don't mean no you shouldn't have. I'm just surprised. She's going to love it, and she's going to love you."

He leaned down to kiss me, and I let my eyes flutter closed. A cough pulled us apart.

I quickly stepped away from Felix and turned to see his mom smiling at us. She was kind of looking at us like she thought we were adorable. "Mom, this is Pilar. Pilar, this is my mom."

"It's so nice to meet you, Ms. Weston," I said, holding out my hand.

"Please, call me Dawn." She took two steps towards me to pull me into a hug. "Welcome to our home. Felix has told me so much about you."

"Thank you. I hear I'm going to have some tough competition in Scattergories later."

Dawn's face lit up. "You'll be joining us for games? How refreshing."

"Pilar is so smart, mom. I think she can take you at Millionaire," Felix told her.

I shifted uncomfortably. "I don't know about that. Felix tells me you're an expert at it."

"We'll have to find out. I hope you like turkey."

"Love it," I said. I was actually pretty indifferent towards turkey but if it would make her like me more, I would pretend it was my favorite meal in the world.

It was actually not bad. I didn't have to feign my compliments about how good everything turned out. Since it was usually just him and his mom for Christmas, dinner was super lowkey. I think that helped it be less awkward. I couldn't help but think of Victor who was meeting Benji's entire family right now. Then again, he'd already met Benji's parents, so I thought that probably made it less intimidating.

After dinner, they did their gift exchange which was also really quiet. Felix had made his mom some shampoo, conditioner, and soap. She didn't look surprised, so I guessed that's what he got her every Christmas. I found out that Felix also would be taking her to dinner and a movie on any day of her choosing. I thought that was kind of adorable. She'd gotten him a pair of headphones that he was very excited about.

When I passed her the little gift bag, she looked taken aback. "What's this?"

"Pilar got you a Christmas gift, mom."

"I hope you don't have it yet. Felix mentioned you like to collect these little knick-knacks and when I saw it, I thought you would like it."

She opened the bag and pulled at the little figurine. Her eyes flashed over to the spot where I guessed the original one used to sit. She wiped away a tear. "No. No, I don't have this one."

She gave me a long hug. "Thank you."

- . - . - . -

Rahim's POV

After Pilar hung up on me, I felt antsy. I called the only person in my contacts that I knew wasn't currently celebrating Christmas with their family.

"What up?" Ryker answered after the first ring.

"Nothing. Everything sucks. I'm bored and lonely and I have an itch on my back that I can't reach," I complained

They laughed. "Merry Christmas to you too."

"You don't celebrate Christmas," I pointed out. Ryker's parents were Jehovah's Witnesses so, by default, Ryker was a Jehovah's Witness.

"I can't wait until I can be done with all of this and start celebrating Christmas. The FOMO life is real right now. I've been seeing Instagram pictures of happy people in front of Christmas trees all day," they complained.

"Me too. Everyone I know is off having a magical Christmas with their boyfriend." I kind of sounded whiny, and I hated that.

"Meaning Victor is celebrating Christmas with Benji?" they guessed. To Ryker's credit, they never made me feel bad about pining over Victor. I thought they kind of understood because they'd been crushing on Riley for a year and a half and hadn't done anything about it yet. They just very badly wanted me to get over him and move on.

"He's not the only one, but yeah," I said glumly. I'd seen a picture of Victor and Benji in front of Benji's towering Christmas tree. It had put me in such a weird place because Victor looked so happy as Benji kissed his cheek. I wondered if he would have looked as happy with me if it had been the two of us in front of a tree.

I knew there was no reason to still be so hung up on Victor. He'd made his choice and it seemed like he was really, really happy with his decision to stay with Benji. I just couldn't shake the feeling that he'd chosen wrong. Surely, these feelings would have gone away by now if there was nothing between us. Pilar said my feelings couldn't go away if I was holding onto them like a lifeline.

"You should come over," Ryker said, pulling me from my internal tangent.

"I don't want to get you in trouble with your parents again." The last time I'd gone over to their house, I'd called them Ryker in front of their parents. I'd escaped relatively quickly after that and had left Ryker to deal with their parents. I still felt a little guilty about it, but I was pretty sure there was nothing I could have done to make that less weird. I knew they'd come up with some excuse for it, but I didn't want to test fate.

"You won't. I told them that Ryker is the Hindu word for Courtney."

"There is so much wrong with that. Hindu is a person that practices Hinduism, not a language, and my parents speak Farsi," I pointed out.

"Whoops," they said casually. "Good thing my parents don't know that. Come on. It will be fun. We can chill in my basement and have our own anti-Christmas. Play some ping pong. Talk about how you need to find a new guy. And, hey. We could go to B's. You can't possibly think about Victor when you have someone like Nono stripping in front of you. Live a little."

I chuckled. "Okay, I'll come over. That sounds better than my plans to stare vacantly at the wall and sulk in my misery."

"You are so dramatic."

"But you love me anyway."

"Just get over here."

Ryker's house kind of amazed me. Well, their basement amazed me. They lived in a pretty small house that kind of looked like a bible exploded on the walls, but their basement was one of my favorite places in the world. They'd been able to turn it into their own space, so there wasn't a single sign that said 'keep calm and trust in Jehovah' down here.

I'd eaten way too many carbs in this basement, but I could forgive myself for that because those carbs almost always preceded us going to Boardner's. When I'd first started regularly going, I'd felt weird about being a fifteen-year-old surrounded by twenty-one and older people (other than Ryker and a handful of their friends with fake IDs), but it didn't take long for me to get swept away in how amazing it was to be immediately accepted for who I was.

The people I met there got me in a way no one else did, and it helped that Ryker had a really solid friend group. I could always count on Sabrina to double in karaoke and, wow, she could sing. She joked that she was destined for Broadway, and I believed it. Matt would willingly harmonize with us from the safety of our table and sometimes, we could get Riley in on it.

Beyond their willingness to accept my spontaneous singing, they accepted all of my quirks. When I was with them, I didn't have to think about who I was. I wasn't too fem or not fem enough; I wasn't weird or unusual; there was no judgment when I gave inanimate objects pronouns; I wasn't too dramatic. I was just me. It was the little things.

Today, despite luring me to their house with the promise of ping pong, I found myself lounging on their couch with my legs dangling over the arm. Ryker was sitting upside down on the other end of the couch. "Will Riley be joining us at Boardner's?"

"Nah. She's celebrating Christmas with her family."

"Are you ever gonna tell her you like her?"

"Why tell her when nothing can happen?"

"Why can't something happen?" I challenged.

"It's too complicated. Riley broke up with her last girlfriend because she wasn't ready to be out. I can't tell my parents. Not until I graduate and can leave this place because they're gonna hate what I am."

I sighed. "Maybe they'll surprise you."

"No. The only surprise will be whether they hate that I'm gay or nonbinary more. I go back and forth about it." Ryker ran their hand through their hair. "My parents host these… bible study groups for people interested in getting baptized and they talk about what we're supposed to believe. So, trust me. I know how they feel about this."

Ryker never really talked about their parents. We always stayed away from stuff like that and focused on less loaded topics. "My parents are really religious and they should hypothetically hate who I am. I was so sure they would hate it, so even though I've known I'm gay since I was like ten… I didn't tell them until recently. When I came out, they already knew. They put in the work before I ever got the words out so they could be exactly who I needed them to be when I was ready to be me."

Ryker glanced over at me. "That's really great. I'm glad it worked out like that for you. But that's not how it's going to go down for my parents. I almost came out to them once, you know. I had it all planned out. I'd chosen a name that felt like me, and I was going to tell them everything. I was in the eighth grade."

"What happened?"

"My cousin came out. He'd just started college and he brought his boyfriend to a barbecue we were hosting for my dad's birthday. My dad asked him if it was some perverted joke because LOL why wouldn't a boyfriend be a joke. He started freaking out when he found out it was real; he said my cousin was choosing to… oh, what did he say? That he was cavorting with Satan and he wouldn't tolerate that under his roof. My cousin told him that we were outside, so he technically wasn't under my dad's roof and that he wasn't going to apologize for being who he was. My aunt and dad ended up having a huge blowout in the middle of our backyard. I haven't seen my aunt or my cousin since. I have no idea how my cousin's doing or whether he's still with that guy. I don't even know where they live now."

"Damn."

"Yeah."

My mind was spinning. If I was Ryker, you wouldn't be able to pay me to come out to someone like her dad. "Do you wanna go get a drink?" I asked. "I think you could use a drink."

"Now you're speaking my language."

Christmas at Boardner's was kind of amazing. There were a lot of shirtless guys wearing Santa hats, and Santa was feeling particularly generous with the free drinks and appetizers. At one point, the entire bar did a rendition of We Wish You a Merry Christmas that had half of us in tears because we were laughing so hard.

It was exactly what both of us needed. It was magical. By the end of my night, I was so grateful we didn't celebrate Christmas because I felt like this was exactly where we were meant to be.

- . - . - . -

Benji's POV

Victor stood by my side while my family started to leave. "Wait, is that it?" he asked when my last cousin stepped out the door. "Everyone's really just… gone?"

"Yeah. What were you expecting?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Goodbyes in my family take hours when we're with our extended family. I remember when we were little, Pilar and I used to fall asleep waiting for our parents to finish saying goodbye to everyone," he explained.

"Huh. My mom's side can be like that. Not hours, necessarily, but she has four sisters and they somehow always manage to get sidetracked with little conversations when we're trying to leave."

"We're not that bad, dear," my mom interjected. My dad had his arm around her waist. "We're going to head upstairs. Give the two of you some space." She winked at me. She was really going to have to work on her subtlety one of these days.

Once they were gone, Victor turned to me. "What was that about?"

"She wanted to give us some privacy."

"Why?"

"So I could give you your Christmas gift."

He held out his wrist. "You already got me my gift."

"I told you that was only part one," I reminded him. I took his hand and led him to our parlor where my parents had a piano. "Besides. I saw the gift you snuck into my bedroom."

He smiled sheepishly. "Oops."

"It's okay. I obviously cheated as well." I sat down on the bench and motioned for him to sit down next to me. "If you hate it, lie to me and tell me it's the best thing you've ever heard."

Close your eyes

Cause I got a story to tell you

When you're young

No one tells you life will be like this

It feels like

Some days will never end

But with you

I feel like I'm okay with that

I am strong because of you

You're my light on the blackest night

You're my new dream; I won't let go

Cause baby, you're my hand to hold

You show me love when I need some

You're my shelter in this endless storm

You're my new dream; I won't let go

Cause baby, you're my hand to hold

I grew up

And life kept on knocking me down

I would hide

From the world to stay safe

You don't know

How impossible it will all be

But with you

I keep on keeping on

I am strong because of you

You're my light on the blackest night

You're my new dream; I won't let go

Cause baby, you're my hand to hold

You show me love when I need some

You're my shelter in this endless storm

You're my new dream; I won't let go

Cause baby, you're my hand to hold

Oh baby you're all I need

You're my safe place in this messed up world

You're my new dream; I won't let go

Cause baby, you're my hand to hold

I didn't look at Victor right away when I finished singing. My heart was pounding. I'd practiced the song at least fifty times since I finished writing it, but it felt so much more high stakes now that I'd actually performed it for him.

"Did… did you write that?" his voice sounded weird and when I chanced a peek at him, he looked stunned.

"Yeah. I know it's not the best-" I started.

"It's better than the best," he whispered. "Benji, that was amazing."

"Really?"

"Really," he confirmed. "I love you. Like so much. And that song was everything."

"Thanks," I said softly. "For the record, if we'd decided to go homemade earlier, it would have been better."

"I honestly have trouble believing that." He rested his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes.

"What are you doing?"

"I am remembering everything about how perfect my life is right now. I'm gonna need you to record yourself singing that so I can listen to it again," he told me. He lifted his head and brought his hand to my cheek.

I rested my forehead against his and whispered, "I love you" before we kissed and let the world around us fade away.