Open Your Eyes

by someofthissomeofthat310

My take on what could happen if there's a season 3. *Summary inside because I don't want to take the chance of spoiling the second season for someone that hasn't seen it yet*

3. 3… 2… 1…

A/N: So, a few things about this chapter. I'm assuming that Benji's road to sobriety wasn't immediate and that it took him a few months to pull himself back together and get to a place where he could be sober. Mostly, because if he got in an accident during the school year that was serious enough to land him in the hospital, the entire school would've known about it even if they didn't know specifics.

I'm also going to make vague references in this chapter and more specific references in future chapters about Benji's age. I'm operating under the assumption that Benji is eighteen *because he has to be eighteen*. Benji had to have been at least 16 when he drove through the Wendy's. If he was under 16, he wouldn't have had his license when he drove. He wouldn't have been issued a suspended license; he just wouldn't have gotten it for however long they agreed upon during his hearing. If he got his 1-year sobriety chip a week before his birthday, then he's had two birthdays since he got sober. Even if he had his accident and immediately got sober without a single relapse (unlikely), he's had two birthdays since his accident. Thus, eighteen. I know he called himself and Victor "a couple of sixteen-year-olds" and I'm assuming that it was because that was easier than saying "a sixteen and eighteen-year-old". Just wanted to throw this out there, so everyone knows why I'm going to reference Benji being an adult in this chapter.

~ Chapter 3: 3… 2… 1… ~

Victor's POV

Our week was perfect. Truly perfect. We ended up driving to Lake Lanier Tuesday and stayed until New Year's Eve. My mom giving me permission to go away with Benji for two nights was really the best Christmas gift she could have gotten us. I knew it was more likely that she didn't know how to say no without seeming unsupportive, but we were more than happy believing that she was actually cool with this. If Benji didn't agree, he wasn't willing to end my delusion.

New Year's Eve came up so quickly. It was almost disorienting. I felt like I blinked on Christmas and when I opened my eyes, we were driving back to celebrate the new year.

We'd had an in-depth discussion of our New Year's plans and then a second in-depth discussion when the original plan changed and then a third in-depth discussion once Lake found out that we didn't have huge plans. We'd initially planned to have a small get-together at Benji's house. His parents were at some hoity-toity event in Columbus and they were spending the night there, so we thought it was the perfect way to rein in the new year. Then we made a mistake; we invited Lake.

Lake convinced us to bypass a nice, quiet night to go to Steve Danahey's New Year's Eve party. He threw a party every holiday, but neither of us had been to one before, which according to Lake was 'a tragedy on par with kidnapping'.

It was partially Pilar that convinced us in the end. It was her first high school party (mostly by choice - I didn't even think she'd be going if Felix didn't desperately want to be there), and she'd told Benji she wanted at least one other cool person there. She thought she was hilarious.

Since Benji's parents were gone, I ended up driving all of us in Benji's dad's SUV. It wasn't the most legal thing we'd done because his car only fit five and there were six of us, but we were about to attend a party that would involve underage drinking and who knew what else, so this seemed relatively small in comparison. Felix volunteered to sit in the trunk and Benji, bless his soul, bypassed the passenger seat so Pilar wouldn't have to sandwich in between Lake and Lucy. It definitely spared us from a potentially awkward seating arrangement.

I'd never been to Steve Danahey's house and nothing Lake or Lucy had told us really prepared us for just how large it was. It made Mia's house look tiny. I swear. It was the kind of house you saw in movies that featured billionaires but never expected to actually exist in a place like Atlanta.

"Wow," I murmured.

"How many of our apartments do you think we could fit in here?" Pilar asked.

"At least a dozen," I guessed.

"If you're talking about your whole building, yes. But just your apartment? Way more than that," Benji said. He seemed to realize what he said after he said it. "Not that your apartment is small or anything. It's perfectly sized."

I met his eyes in the mirror and nearly crashed into the gate that surrounded Steve's house because I wasn't paying attention to the road. I thought I played it off okay, as if I was just trying to park on the edge of the street.

When we got inside, the party was raging. It looked like the whole school had turned out for it. Steve was standing at the entrance giving people drinks as they came in. He had an entire table laid out with red solo cups filled with beer.

"Can I just get an empty cup?" I shouted when he tried to pass me a cup. The music was so loud, it practically was making the house vibrate. I could feel the bass in my chest.

"You're not drinking tonight?" he asked, surprised. "It's New Year's Eve."

I shifted uncomfortably. "That's alright. I'm, uh, not feeling it tonight."

He passed red solo cups to Lake, Lucy, Felix, and Pilar. I'd never actually seen my little sister drink before and I felt weirdly unsettled by it. It was kind of like watching a baby drink. I had no reason to feel so weird about it; she was fifteen and was definitely older than I was when I had my first drink. Still. I was so distracted by that, I knew I wasn't playing this off as smooth as I would have liked.

Wyatt and Kieran showed up and got in line to get their drinks just as Steve said, "are you sure you don't want anything?"

"I'm the designated driver," I remembered. It wasn't even a lie.

"There's still two hours until the new year. Even our designated drivers are having a drink now, and you can stay as late as you need to sober up."

"I… yeah. You can never be too careful."

"Come on, Salazar. Live a little," Kieran said. He thumped my back. He'd clearly been pregaming.

"I'm good," I said slightly harsher than I meant to.

Steve passed two cups to Kieran and Wyatt. "Ight. Well, there might be unused cups in the kitchen. I'm not sure. Yo, Patrick!" A kid that looked like a taller version of Steve appeared. "Did we use all the cups?"

"No. The extras are in the basement."

"There you go," Steve said. "The door to the basement is the last one on the right when you go down that hallway." He pointed.

"Thanks."

I started moving towards where I hoped I'd find the basement door. I wasn't surprised when Benji followed me. He didn't say a word until we were at the bottom of the steps. In a house like this, I expected the basement to be as lush and finished as the rest of the house, so I was a little taken aback by the obvious storage space we walked into.

The cups were on a dusty folding table, so they were easy enough to find. "You don't need to do that. Not drink because of me. If you want a drink, have a drink. I don't want you to miss out on stuff just because we're together."

"I'm not missing out," I corrected immediately. "I don't need to drink and, quite frankly, I don't want to. I've never been super into that whole scene and now I have a good excuse to stay away from it."

"But when we went to Lake Lanier…"

"I was terrified of losing my virginity," I interrupted. "I don't usually drink that much and that ended with me falling off the bed so… not your best argument."

"Are you sure about this? Because I can handle it if you drink," he assured me.

"I know that," I promised. "It's not that I don't think you can handle it. I trust you. This really isn't just for you. I'm not going to say that I'll never drink again, but I…" I fumbled to find the right words to explain this. It didn't seem like the right time to tell him about the discussion boards I'd scoured about whether a recovering alcoholic could kiss someone that had been drinking. It seemed like a fairly divisive issue. Almost half said yes, half said no, and a small amount contributed very unhelpfully to say that they were in committed relationships with people that didn't drink so the question was irrelevant. I hoped I'd get my answer whenever he felt ready to tell me about his AA journey and, until then, I'd choose kissing Benji over alcohol. "I want to just be able to be here with you. I don't need to drink to have a good time. Not when you're here." I kissed him. "Besides. I want to remember everything we're going to do tonight. I've got big plans."

"Oh, yeah?" Benji asked.

"Yeah." I wagged my eyebrows suggestively. I kissed him again, taking advantage of the empty basement.

- . - . - . -

Lake's POV

It wasn't my favorite carpool situation. What were you supposed to say when your ex was sitting about five inches away from you in the trunk, his current girlfriend was sitting in the passenger seat, and your potential-but-not-totally-sure-if-that's-what-was-happening crush was sitting two seats away. The only non-awkward part of the drive was the constant banter Victor and Benji kept up.

Those two were really adorable; things had been awkward and strained for a few weeks to the point where I'd kind of doubted whether they would make it - the fights they got into during lunch had Lucy and me escaping on multiple occasions. But then it was like a switch flipped and they just started working again. Everything they did was flirty and, I swear, I could see Benji making bedroom eyes at Victor from next to me.

I almost called them out on it, but it was kind of sweet to watch, and I welcomed the distraction.

Right after we took our cups, Benji and Victor disappeared in their venture to find water, and Felix and Pilar disappeared to go make out or something. I wasn't bitter. I was moving on; it was just weird. I mean, he'd claimed to be madly in love with me and moved on within a few days of breaking up with me. I knew I was also partially channeling my own messed-up love life into it because I literally had no idea what I was doing with Lucy.

Lucy and I stood near each other while I grappled for something to say. I felt like my mind was literally blank. The only things I could think about were my confusing, tangled feelings for her. Somehow, right now surrounded by all of these people, didn't feel like the right time to tell her that she made me feel like I was made of whatever was inside lava cakes. Mostly because I was pretty sure that was actually what would come out of my mouth.

We kind of stood awkwardly for a minute until my phone started to ring. "It's Mia," I said.

"Go. Answer her," Lucy encouraged. "I'll be fine." I hated to leave her because I had no idea where the rest of our group was, but I couldn't miss Mia's call.

I answered while I made my way through the house. "Hello?"

"Hey, Lake," Mia said. I closed my eyes and tried very hard not to cry. I hadn't heard her voice in a month and a half and I'd missed her.

"Mia." I stepped outside and was barely aware of the cold.

"Yeah. it's me," she confirmed. "I know it's been a long time."

"It's been six weeks!" It was so different than when she'd ghosted me over the summer. At least then, I'd known where she was, I understood why she needed her space, and I knew she was safe. This time, she'd just fallen off the face of the planet.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I've missed you so much."

"Where are you? What have you been doing? Are you okay?" I asked. I'd texted her at least twenty times since her dad's wedding, and she hadn't answered me.

"I'm okay. I'm… looking for my mom," she admitted.

"Oh my God," I whispered. "Did you find her?"

"No, and I kind of need your advice on something."

"What's going on?" I asked. I sat down on the stone ledge that lined a huge area with a fire pit.

"We're kind of following a trail," she started. "We went to Savannah then ended up in Portland and now we're in Chicago. We spent a couple of days trying to figure out where she might be, and… she's not here anymore, but we know where she went next."

"You're in Chicago?" I stared at my phone. Was I asleep? Was this a weird dream? Except, cold was seeping into me, and I didn't think I could feel this cold in a dream.

"Yeah. She had a piece in this traveling exhibit. The gallery that hosted the week she was in Chicago was able to tell us where they were scheduled to go next, but they didn't have a schedule or anything like that. We don't even know if the exhibit is still happening. We could chase her all around the country and not find her."

"It doesn't matter," I said. "You keep looking."

"You think?"

"I know," I told her. "Mia, I was there when your mom left. She crushed you. You deserve to have that moment where you find her and you tell her how much she hurt you. You deserve to show her what she walked out on. You deserve to show her that despite what she did, you grew up to be a strong, independent, beautiful woman."

"Is that what you would do?" she asked.

"In a heartbeat," I told her seriously. "What does Andrew say?"

"Essentially that he'd follow me to the ends of the Earth," she said exasperatedly.

"Uh oh. What's that tone?"

"It's nothing. I know I'm being silly, but he thinks I should reach out to my dad before I make a decision. We've been fighting about it since we found out my mom hasn't been here since August. The exhibit she was with went to Iowa next."

I frowned. "Have you talked to him at all?" I assumed she had because there weren't missing posters up for her, and I was pretty sure Harold Brooks would have had Mia's face everywhere if he wasn't sure she was safe.

"I've texted him."

"I hate to do this because you're my best friend, but you really should talk to your dad. Believe me, I hate what he did as much as you do, but he's still your dad. He should know where you are."

"Not you too," she complained. "What happened to me deserving to confront my mom?"

"You do deserve that, but don't hurt your dad in the process. I'm not saying come home even though I miss you like crazy. I'm just saying… call him and talk to him. Make sure he knows what your plan is," I suggested. "No matter how mad you are, he deserves to know you're safe."

She let out a frustrated sigh. "He knows where I am. I'm leaving a credit card trail. I know I need to talk to him, but…"

"But you're still really mad at him?" I guessed.

"Kind of."

"And you get to be. You get to be until he leaves for Stanford and we figure out a way to keep you in Atlanta, but you need to talk to him. Maybe he'll understand." She scoffed. "I said maybe."

"I don't know."

"Well, you don't have to decide right now. Tell me everything. You've been gone so long. Have you done a bunch of touristy stuff?"

"We've done everything," she confirmed. "We saw the Statue of Liberty and drove through Amish country. They really drive horses and buggies on the road. Tomorrow, we're going to Cloud Gate."

"Where?" I asked.

"It's the bean in Chicago."

"Oh. I've heard about that."

"Everyone has," she pointed out.

"Are you having fun? Is Andrew being good to you? Because if he's not…" There wasn't much I could do from Atlanta, but I could make his life a living hell once he got back.

"He really is," she promised. "I can't imagine what this whole thing would have been like without him. It probably would've ended in Savannah."

"I'm glad he's with you. I miss you."

"Me too. I wish you could've come with me," she said quietly.

"I wouldn't have been able to. My mom would have had a manhunt going before we got out of your driveway." I glanced at my watch. "It's only an hour until midnight. What are you doing for the new year?"

"It's actually two hours here. We're not doing much. Andrew's picking up a pizza, and the hotel we're staying at has a balcony, so we're going to sit outside and see what we can see from there."

"That sounds so romantic," I gushed.

"He does have his romantic side," she admitted. She sounded a little amused. I heard something faintly in the background. "Andrew's back. I gotta go."

"Stay in touch. Please. Don't drop me for another month and a half."

"I won't. I promise."

- . - . - . -

Mia's POV

"Love you."

"Love you too," I whispered before I ended the call.

"Was that your dad?" Andrew asked hopefully.

"No. I called Lake."

"That's just as good. How is she?" He looked excited that I'd finally called her. Lake was one of the hardest parts of my decision to leave. I missed her like crazy and I knew it wasn't fair to her to ignore her for six weeks, especially when she was still struggling with her breakup. Victor had promised to keep an eye on her, but it wasn't the same. I'd been so scared that she would ask me to come home and I wasn't sure I'd be able to say no to her so, instead of calling her, I'd spent the last six weeks complaining to Andrew about how much I missed her.

"She's okay, I think. I hope she's as okay as she sounded on the phone. She misses me."

"Of course she does. Imagine how your dad feels," he pointed out.

"Did I make the right decision?" I asked, clasping my hands in front of me. "Or should we have gone back to Atlanta after Savannah?"

Andrew didn't answer me immediately. Instead, he knelt down in front of me. "I have never questioned whether we were doing the right thing here. We're not going to stop until we get answers about your mom."

"But you said-"

"That you need to call your dad, and I stand by that. It doesn't mean we're done here," he pointed out.

I sighed. "Can we talk about this tomorrow?" I asked. "I just want to spend the night with you and wait for the new year."

He kissed my forehead. "Of course."

It turned out that Andrew had not only managed to procure what he insisted was the best pizza in Chicago, but he'd somehow convinced someone to buy him a bottle of champagne.

I did have to admit, I never had pizza that quite tasted like this before. And we'd stopped in New York for a day before coming to Chicago. That had become my standard for delicious pizza. This pizza was just as delicious and was savory in a different way.

We ended up out on the balcony and squeezed into an armchair we both didn't really fit in; we snuggled under a thick blanket because Chicago was FREEZING and had flutes of champagne ready in our hands. He'd pulled up a live stream of the peach dropping in Atlanta on his phone. It was an hour early for us - we would be celebrating two New Years because it didn't feel right not to celebrate when we knew our family and friends would be.

"Ten," he said out loud. "Nine. Eight. Seven."

I took his hand and squeezed it tightly. "Three. Two. One," I finished. Andrew lightly pressed his lips to mine.

"Here's to a better 2021," he whispered.

"I'll toast to that," I said as I tapped my glass against his. I took a quick sip before I leaned in for another kiss.

When we broke apart, he was breathing heavily. "I love you," he told me seriously. "Every day I love you a little more. My resolution this year is to make this work with you. Whether we do the long-distance thing because you move to Stanford or whether your dad comes to his senses and keeps you in Atlanta. I want to be with you to celebrate the end of 2021 exactly one year from right now."

"That sounds pretty great to me," I whispered. "I love you too."

I dozed off sometime before the new year in Chicago and woke up to Andrew shaking me lightly. "Ready?" he asked.

I shrugged. It felt like we'd already celebrated the real new year and now we were just celebrating someone else's holiday.

In the end, I was glad he woke me up because it seemed like the entire city came to life when the ball dropped. There was a fireworks display that we had an amazing view of from our balcony. I could see a handful of illegal fireworks being set off around us. I'd been shocked when I found out fireworks were illegal here because… why? It seemed there were at least a dozen people that agreed with me.

I could hear people screaming and singing and cheering from the streets below us.

The energy and passion and excitement were contagious. When we went back inside, the party was still raging around us. We couldn't hold out any longer with the cold - Atlanta did not prepare us.

Even when we went inside, we could still hear the sounds and joys of the people around us. "I'm really glad you're here with me," I whispered to the silence.

"Me too."

I fell asleep in Andrew's arms.

- . - . - . -

Isabel's POV

Armando walked in and took off his jacket. "What's the verdict?" I asked while he hung it on the back of the door. "How are Lisa and Ezra Miller."

"They have an alarm system, I scoped out the room they have set up for the sleepover, checked out everything they plan on making."

"What are they making?"

"Oh, he'll hate it. They have potato skins and these spinach croissant things and mozzarella sticks."

"He'll eat mozzarella sticks," I pointed out.

"Even if he doesn't, it's okay because, in 'homage' to our 'culture', they also have salsa and chips." He went to the kitchen.

I couldn't help my laughter. "They did not say that."

"No, Adrian did," he said. "He apparently requested it. Lisa was making the salsa from scratch and he very politely asked her not to be stingy on the spices. We made some strange children."

I rolled my eyes. "That does kind of sound like him."

"I've never seen him so excited for something before," Armando said. "Jeffrey's a weird little kid, but he's sweet. He and Adrian were all excited about some magic trick they were going to learn. He's good for Adrian; I can see why they get along. And his parents are nice. Basic but nice."

"Did you just call his parents basic?" I didn't think Armando had ever called anything basic in his life.

"You'll see when you pick him up tomorrow."

"Okay. If you say so." I had trouble believing they were as bad as he said. He returned from the kitchen with two large glasses of wine.

He passed me a glass before he sat down next to me. I took a sip before I put it on a coaster on the coffee table. We'd never been alone on New Year's Eve. We always had my sister and his parents and at least two of his siblings and a bunch of his nieces and nephews and Victor with his best friend and Pilar with one of her friends. Never an empty house before.

"All the kids are gone," I whispered. "Victor's staying at Benji's; Pilar's curfew isn't until 2; Adrian's at Jeffrey's. We have the whole night to ourselves."

"Don't say that too loud. You might summon one of them."

I laughed into his embrace. "I think that means we get to break out the good stuff."

"Mmm. You're talking about the chubby hubby, aren't you?"

"Of course. I think we've earned it."

I grabbed the pint from the freezer and two spoons. "Whoa. Right from the container," he observed.

"We're celebrating." I fed him a spoonful when I sat back down. I rested my head on his shoulder. "Did you imagine that we'd have the year we had last January?"

"I didn't know what to expect. I'd just lost my job and you'd just told me…" He coughed. "Well, you know."

"I know," I acknowledged. "But it's so much more than that, isn't it? We moved and separated and got back together. Victor got a girlfriend, then came out, and now has a really, really serious boyfriend."

"Pilar is dating the weird boy upstairs," he added. "That's almost more surprising than everything that happened with Victor." He wasn't wrong. I didn't think Felix was Pilar's type, but after I saw them together, I saw how they worked. They balanced each other out.

"Adrian has a friend and is having a sleepover," I concluded.

"Yeah, how did he manage to swing that one?" He asked.

"I don't know," I laughed. "He's our little conman. I just feel like so much has happened this past year."

"It has," he agreed. "But it all needed to happen. Look how happy Victor is. And Pilar? Wow."

"Yeah." I didn't think I'd ever seen her so happy in her life. "It did need to happen. The good and the bad. We got through it."

He kissed my neck. "Of course we did."

"You know. That woman we've been seeing? She had a point about everything she's had us practice. I feel like we're okay."

"We are. Or we're almost there. I haven't felt this close with you in a long time. Who knew therapy would actually work?"

"You must've because you suggested it," I pointed out. I still hated it, but we were definitely getting something out of it.

"I must be very smart," he agreed.

I put the ice cream on the end table. "That must be it."

- . - . - . -

Pilar's POV

I was unprepared for the magnitude of the party. I'd never been to a high school party, but I thought this was kind of a big party even by those standards. The crowd I ran with at Texas kind of stuck to ourselves. It was one of the reasons we got along so well. While we were circled around a bonfire at a church get-together, we could complain about and make fun of all the preppy, annoying kids at our school that were sneaking into the woods to hook up and drink.

I guessed I was one of those preppy, annoying people now. I was reluctant to admit that I was enjoying myself, but it was kind of nice to tuck away onto a bay window with Felix and just talk.

We really could talk about anything. Tonight, we were ranking our favorite holidays and trying to convince the other they were wrong. Felix's favorite was Thanksgiving. It was really kind of cute how excited he was when he talked about it, but he didn't have an argument when I pointed out that it wasn't just a holiday dedicated to gratitude. There was a whole bloody history that went along with it.

I decided to go with National Nothing Day. Felix didn't believe me that it was a thing, but it totally was and the look of incredulity on his face when he looked it up was priceless. "How does one celebrate this?" he asked.

"I'm not actually sure," I admitted. "I just love that it exists. Probably just sit around and do nothing all day."

Felix grinned. "So it's your favorite holiday, but you don't celebrate it?"

"I'm a complicated person."

"I don't find you to be that complicated." He kissed my cheek. "To me, you are an open book."

"Must be a pretty scary book," I told him.

"I don't think it is. I think it's a book about a really amazing girl and all of the people that are lucky enough to have her in their lives." I scoffed. "I'm serious. You put up an act of moody indifference but if someone's lucky enough to earn your trust, you change their life. You've changed mine."

I looked away from him. "I think I need another drink." I'd actually barely had any of mine, but Felix's words made me feel wholly inadequate because they made me feel like he liked a different version of me than I was.

He followed me to the kitchen. "What did I say?"

"Nothing," I said evasively.

He tilted his head and looked at me confused. "I'm not really good at this stuff so if I did something to piss you off, I'm gonna need you to tell me because you'll be mad at me for the rest of our lives before I figure it out."

I smiled despite myself. "I'm not mad at you. I think… it's just my stuff I need to work through."

His hand found mine. "What kind of stuff?"

"That I see myself as the moody and indifferent teenage girl," I said slowly. "Not the way you see me."

"Don't get me wrong. You have angst to rival my own and after everything that's happened, I didn't think that was possible. I see that… but do you know what else I see?"

"That I'm snarky and sarcastic?"

"Well, yes. That too. Though, I think your sarcasm is hilarious. I also see that when I was five days from being evicted, you lent me the money I needed to keep my home and cover my rent without even thinking about it. I see that on the darkest night of my life, you distracted me and made me forget about how everything was falling apart. I see that you got my mom Swedish fish just because you thought it would make her happy. I see you, Pilar. That other stuff? The angst and confusing belief that ghosts are real because you're such a smart person and loving a holiday you don't celebrate, those are just extra details that make you amazing."

I was not going to cry. I absolutely was not. It wasn't going to happen. Nope. Before I could do something stupid, two girls walked into the kitchen. They didn't seem to notice me and Felix in the corner of the kitchen.

"I heard he started when he was with Mia. It was the only way he could get it on with her," Shauna Spirelli said.

"Yeah, but he obviously got help if he's not drinking. Maybe Benji put his foot down about it," Ashley King pointed out.

"That's totally what happened," Shauna said as if she'd gotten absolute confirmation of it. "That's totally the kind of guy Benji is. I mean, I heard he wasn't drinking tonight in solidarity with Victor."

"What a great boyfriend."

"Victor is crazy lucky."

I felt like my blood drained from my face as I nudged Felix. "They're talking about Victor," I said quietly. He was on his phone looking something up. "Hello? Did you hear what I said?"

"Oh, shit," he said. "I was looking it up on creeksecrets. This is bad. It's not true, right? Victor's not hiding that he's an alcoholic?"

"No, of course not."

"Are you sure? Because he did kind of get weird when they asked him if he wanted a drink," Felix pointed out.

"I'm sure. He couldn't hide something like that from us."

Felix raised his eyebrows at me. "He hid that he was gay for five years," he argued.

"That's different… five years? Really?"

Felix shrugged. "You know, he hasn't had anything to drink around me in a few months. Not since his problems with Benji. Maybe that's what they were fighting about."

"It's not true; he's not an alcoholic. Who's saying that he is?" It literally wasn't possible that Victor could have hidden a drinking problem. There would've been signs, right?

"It's hard to tell where it started. We have to go find him." He hesitated. "Maybe once we do, we can find a quiet place to sit because I think we should talk more."

I bit my lip before I nodded. "We really don't need to. I'm sorry I'm being like this."

"Why are you?"

"I guess because I've been told my whole life that I'll have to find a guy that can 'put up with me', and it's hard to shake that."

"Who the hell told you that?" Felix asked angrily.

"It's just a thing dads say," I said defensively. "With Erick, it was all, 'I don't know how you tricked him into going out with you, but if he's willing to put up with your moods, never let him go'," I mimicked.

"That's super not okay. Pilar, I'm not putting up with you. If anything, you've had to put up with so much for me. I am with you because you make me feel like I'm more than my stuff." He took my hand.

"I know that's what you say, but…" I sighed. "I know I'm not for everyone and it's especially hard with someone like you because we're so different. I mean, how can we possibly work?"

"We are different," he agreed gently. "But I think that's why we work. And for the record, you may not be for everyone, but you are for me. I really want to tell you how amazing you are, but…"

"But you need to go find Victor?" I guessed.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Truthfully, I loved that Victor had Felix. Part of it was that I wouldn't have given Felix the time of day if Victor didn't like having him around so much, but the bigger part of it was how good they were for each other. "Let's find them. I'm sure they're around here somewhere."

- . - . - . -

Benji's POV

"And this hypochondriac is sitting there like he's been decapitated," Victor told Lucy. He was recounting an incident that transpired while we'd been hiking at Lake Lanier yesterday.

"It's not hypochondria if I was right," I protested.

"I'm sorry. Is your head still connected to your body?" Victor tossed back.

"I never said it wasn't. But I was right that I hurt my ankle."

Victor rolled his eyes. "It was such a minor sprain, he didn't even need crutches. Meanwhile, I had to carry him back to the cabin on my back because he was in so much pain."

I grinned. I really hadn't needed help walking, but I wasn't going to turn it down once he suggested it. "You offered," I pointed out.

"You should've seen the doctor trying to keep a straight face." Victor laughed.

"I don't think the doctor is your best argument," I pointed out. "He kept calling Victor my older brother even though I'm almost a year-and-a-half older than him, and he was holding my hand the entire time I was there. And if you think I'm dramatic, you should have seen Victor while we were waiting to be seen."

"I'm just a kid. I'm supposed to be dramatic and blow things out of proportion. You're the wise and patient adult," Victor retorted.

I rolled my eyes. "Just a kid. You're sixteen."

Victor was about to say something when Lucy interrupted. "So that's your whole story? The most exciting thing that happened on your getaway is that you spent a few hours in the ER because you thought you saw a snake and ended up falling down a hill?"

"The most exciting thing Victor will let me talk about," I corrected. Victor elbowed me while Lucy laughed. "How was your cousin?"

"It's weird. Now that she has a boyfriend, she spent every second with him. I used to have so much fun seeing her, but it was kind of lonely."

"You should have told us. We could have stopped by one day," I told her.

"Please. I wouldn't have wanted to interrupt. I know how much you've been missing your alone time." She winked.

Victor chose to ignore her and waved at someone behind her. "I was starting to wonder if they got lost," he muttered. I looked where he was pointing and saw Felix and Pilar. Victor was trying with them, but it was really obvious that he was in an uncomfortable position. It wasn't that they were dating because he wanted both of them to be happy and it was obvious that they made each other happy. It was because he was terrified that this whole thing would end with one of them or both of them getting hurt and he would be stuck in the middle of his best friend and his sister. I wished I could refute his worries, but he was kind of right.

Felix came over. "Why is everyone saying that you're an alcoholic?" He asked. My heart started to race, and I shot Victor a panicked look. I was so sure he was talking to me and even more sure that if he was talking to me, it was Rahim that had spread the word. So far, Victor's promise that Rahim wouldn't tell anyone had held true and, while I knew he was going to feel terrible, I wasn't sure this was something we'd be able to work through. I'd worked myself up so much, I was taken aback when Felix turned to Victor. "They're saying you're not drinking tonight because you're in AA."

Victor had been looking at me with a slight deer-in-headlights look on his face and almost looked relieved when he found out Felix was talking about him. "What? How did that happen?"

"Because you got really weird when you were offered beer. Why aren't you drinking?" Felix asked.

"Because I'm the designated driver," Victor answered immediately. "Why would people think I'm in AA?"

"They think that or that you're secretly a girl and pregnant. There's also a few people claiming you have… performance issues when you drink, but the AA rumor is definitely the strongest."

"Just because I'm not drinking?" He asked. "How… why… I don't understand this school. Like, at all."

"So, it's not true?"

Victor rolled his eyes. "Of course not. But even if it was, what's the big deal? If I had a problem, I'd think everyone would be happy I got help."

Felix snorted. "Yeah because that's what high school is notoriously known for. All of the support."

"This is all happening because I didn't feel like drinking?" Victor asked skeptically.

"Yeah. It's been all over creeksecrets."

"How-" my voice cracked, and I coughed to clear my throat. "How many people have posted about this?"

"A lot," Felix admitted. He unlocked his phone and passed it to me.

I frowned as I scrolled through the posts. Victor featured prominently. Someone had photoshopped his face onto a bottle of tequila where the bottle stopper was a little sombrero because that was a thing that someone had time to do. There were also a few pictures of me by his side with the caption 'Angel for the Alcoholic.' Somehow, I was being credited with Victor's recovery. I was startled to realize some of the pictures were taken tonight.

As I kept reading, I started to piece together parts of the rumor. They were saying that he started drinking when he was with Mia so that he could force himself to be with her, and I'd been his guiding light to sobriety. It filled me with nausea and shame to see what they were saying about him and that quickly fueled a red-hot anger that burned through me

I felt like I was going to be sick. "I need some air," I muttered.

I threw Felix's phone towards him before I practically ran out of the house, and I wasn't surprised when Victor was hot on my heels. "Benji," he called. "Benji, stop!"

"Why?" I asked. "I told you that you could've had a drink tonight. Why couldn't you just listen?"

"You're mad at me?" Victor asked incredulously.

In truth, no; most of me wasn't mad at him. I was just mad. Mad that I'd ever gotten so addicted that I had to be in AA, mad that Victor was being dragged down instead of me, mad that people thought it was a hilarious rumor to be in recovery when it was my dark truth. Despite the fact that I knew all of that, I felt myself bristling with frustration towards Victor. I was a little annoyed with him because I felt like this happened because he didn't trust me enough to drink around me but that was a tiny part of me; it was also a really loud part of me. "This whole thing could have been avoided if you'd just taken the damn drink. Even if you didn't want it, you could have done what I've always done and faked it."

Victor took a step back from me and closed his eyes. "I feel like you are upset because this is a really sore subject for you and instead of talking about it, like we agreed to-" he cut himself off and took a deep breath. "Sorry. This is a sore subject and now you have to listen to people say all these things about me that are really about you. Am I right?"

The fight left me. "I'm sorry."

To my surprise, he shrugged. "It'll go away," he told me. "I'm really not worried about it."

"I don't know if this one will," I told him quietly. "When I was a freshman, there was a rumor that this senior had to go to rehab. It turned out his uncle passed away and he was in India for three weeks for the funeral, but people still called him Drugged Deshad until he graduated."

"I really doubt this is going to turn into that big of a thing and, even if it does, so what? Is what they're going to say gonna change how amazing it is that you'll have been sober fourteen months soon? Is it gonna change all the hard work you've put into your recovery? No. And it's not going to change how proud I am of you." I looked down at the ground. I wasn't convinced he was really ready for this. He wasn't exactly known for taking stuff like this in stride. "It'll be okay. I promise. And I don't want you to get any ideas about telling people the truth. It's not true for me, so it will fade away, but I don't want this following you around until you graduate."

"That's kind of messed up, you know."

"I know," he confirmed. He hooked his hand around my ear. "But I don't want other people to ruin this amazing, amazing thing you are doing. Are you okay?"

"You're the one who has these rumors going around and you're asking about me?"

"Yes," he said seriously. "Because this isn't me trying to push you to tell me about your drinking or anything like that, but I know you struggle with this and I want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm okay. It doesn't make me want to drink or anything." Well, no more than I normally did, so it didn't feel like a lie.

"Okay," he said simply. He pressed his lips to mine. He kind of amazed me sometimes. I still didn't know what he and Hank had talked about the day after the wedding because I'd been too scared to ask, but whatever Hank had said had drastically changed things. I knew Victor was dying to know, but he stopped pushing me for it. He really seemed to trust me. "Are you ready to go back inside? Or do you want to wait for the new year out here?"

"I want to stay out here," I told him seriously. "Where it's just you and me and no one else."

He led me over to a ledge surrounding a fire pit. I was surprised to see Lake was sitting there as well. She held her phone in her hand and looked like she'd been crying. I didn't think we'd been loud enough for her to hear us, but I still regarded her nervously until Victor had to call her name three times and nudged her with his elbow after he sat down to get her attention. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Um, Mia called me." Victor looked away from Lake guiltily as I sat down next to him. "She's good. She's looking for her mom."

"I know," he admitted.

"You know," Lake repeated.

"Yeah. She kind of called me around Thanksgiving and a few days before Christmas and yesterday."

"And on her birthday," I added. Victor shot me a warning look. "She'll only be more upset if you don't tell her." He ducked his head and nodded for me to go ahead. "And one other random day. It's been about once a week since she left." I didn't see a point in pretending that they hadn't talked a ton since Mia left.

"What? Why? No offense, but why you? Why wouldn't she call me?"

He shrugged. I knew what he wasn't saying; I considered telling Lake how often Mia had talked about her and how often Victor encouraged her to reach out, but I wasn't so sure it would actually help right now. They'd made their choices and I wasn't going to cross the line and share what they'd talked about.

Mia had been really drunk the first time she called him and essentially told him that he was her hero for paving the way and showing her that she needed to be true to her heart. What did she say… that someone that had gone through their own journey of self-discovery would understand why she was doing what she was doing. He answered every time she called, no matter what we were in the middle of, and would talk to her as long as she needed. We'd been in the ER when she called yesterday and it was almost comical to watch his attempt to multi-task.

"Why didn't you tell me that you talked to her?" Lake demanded.

He shrugged again but didn't tell her that Mia had asked him not to tell her. He wanted to tell Lake, but after everything he'd put Mia through, he felt like he had to honor her wishes. "She asked about you a lot," he said softly. "She was worried about you."

Lake made an annoyed sound in the back of her throat. Before she could get really mad at him, Lucy, Felix, and Pilar came out.

"Five minutes 'til midnight," Lucy announced. "Steve is setting up the fireworks now." She cocked her head as she looked at Lake. "Are you okay? Do you want to go somewhere and talk?"

Lake followed her off down a trail that led to the side of the house while Felix and Pilar sat down next to us on the ledge. Felix wrapped his arm around Pilar, and she rested her head on his shoulder. Victor regarded them for a second before he shook his head.

We couldn't have sat like that very long before the thunderous countdown started. Victor shifted a little so he was facing me. Just as everyone shouted, "three, two, one," he leaned in towards me.

The fireworks really added something magical to our kiss. It was kind of like being in a fairy tale. "Happy New Year," he whispered when he broke the kiss.

"Happy New Year." I wanted to say something sappy like how we'd made it through 2020, how I was so grateful to be in such a better place at the end of 2020 than we'd been in earlier this year, and how I couldn't wait to see what this had in store for us, but I kind of felt like he already knew all that. I coughed to clear my throat. "So, I, uh, took to Google," I started. I pulled my drawstring bag off of my shoulders.

"Okay," he said uncertainly.

I pulled the small tupperware container out of my bag. I couldn't look at him because I was pretty sure this was either going to be a really romantic gesture or I was going to sink hard. "I wanted to see if there were any traditions that Latinos celebrate for New Years."

"Oh my God. Are those grapes?" He asked uncertainly.

"Yeah. I hope that's alright. I read like fifty articles that said that some people from Puerto Rico eat grapes and it leads to a year of good luck." I couldn't get a read on him, and I wasn't sure if what I did was okay. I'd been very specific with my research because he'd talked about his mom being Puerto Rican, so I hoped I wasn't too far off with this. "I know it's supposed to be one per second before the new year comes in, but-"

I didn't get to finish before he kissed me. With his kiss came the sweet sensation of relief. I guessed I hadn't done something wrong.

When he pulled back, the smile on his face made him look like he was glowing. "I can't believe you," he said softly.

Okay, maybe I did do something wrong. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't just ignoring this. If you have a different tradition-"

"No, no. That's not it. I just… I love that you looked it up and that you cared enough to try. I've never done it, but my grandparents used to talk about something like this when I was little."

"Do you have any traditions?" I asked curiously.

He looked thoughtful. "Mostly that we used to host our whole family in Texas. My grandpa on my mom's side came until he passed away a few years ago and my dad's parents were always there. As many of my aunts and uncles and cousins that could come would squeeze into our apartment and Pilar and I were always allowed to invite one friend." He smiled. "Our last New Year in Texas was right before we moved. We literally left less than a week later, so all of our stuff was in boxes. It would have been easy to write off New Years as a lost cause, but not my mom. We didn't know why we were moving yet; we just thought she wanted to give us one last memory in Texas. She bought a bunch of Dollar Tree tablecloths to cover the boxes, and my abuela spent the whole night criticizing them. My mom made her arroz con gandules and we sat around eating it off of paper plates with plastic spoons."

"What's that?" I asked curiously.

"It's just a rice dish." He got a nostalgic look on his face, so I had a feeling it was more than 'just a rice dish'. I made a mental note to ask his mom how hard that recipe would be to make.

He opened the container. "You don't need to eat those," I told him.

"I want to." He fed me a grape. "We need to make our own traditions; why not this one?"

- . - . - . -

Adrian's POV

The Millers went all out for New Year's. I could practically hear the thoughts that would've bounced around my dad's head if he was still here.

Jeffrey had shown me this magic kit he'd gotten for Christmas from his older brother, and it was so cool!

We were in the living room when Mattie came downstairs. He was carrying a few blankets. We were all going to be setting up camp in their living room which was roughly the size of my entire apartment and had steps that separated it from the rest of the house. "Hey, do you want to see a trick?" Jeffrey asked him.

"Tyler will be here soon," he said as an excuse. "Don't make me regret getting you that." He nudged Jeffrey.

Jeffrey rolled his eyes. "He's just jealous because he never could get the hang of this stuff."

Mattie scoffed, but I was distracted by a giant mess of orange fur that ran through his legs into the living room. She stretched before she jumped up on the couch and curled up. "Oh my God," I said.

"That's Tootsie," Jeffrey said.

"I didn't realize she was so…"

"Big?" he guessed. "Yeah. We think she's part Maine Coon, but we don't know for sure. She's super sweet. She'll let you pet her if you want. And if she really likes you, she'll try to suffocate you in your sleep."

I raised my eyebrows at him. "What?"

"She thinks she's still a tiny kitten. She always tries to fit in tiny spaces and looks so sad when she doesn't fit. It's always hilarious."

"Aww. Poor Tootsie." I sat down in front of the couch, expecting to pet her. Instead, she jumped off the couch right onto my lap. "Oof."

Jeffrey laughed. "What was that about poor Tootsie?"

"I stand by it," I said. I started petting her and could feel her purring against my legs. "I love her."

The doorbell rang and I could hear Mattie running for the door. When he returned with his friend, I was startled to realize that Tyler was a girl. I hadn't thought to ask, but I'd just assumed that Tyler would be a guy. It didn't seem to make much of a difference to anyone else, so I let it go.

Jeffrey's parents made a bajillion appetizers, and we played a bunch of games. They weren't a board games family; they were mostly a Pictionary/ charades/ random made-up games family. There was something really hilarious about watching everyone reenact different movies. It was so different from how things would have been done if I was home, but it was a good different.

Thirty minutes before the new year, Jeffrey's parents passed out these giant plastic hats and sunglasses to all of us; it was accepted without question that we'd wear them. Then they passed out sparkling apple cider. We all went around and had to share three good things that happened this past year. I said mine were my parents getting back together, getting Heather, and meeting Jeffrey.

His mom teared up and actually had to step out for a minute. "Did I say something wrong?" I asked Jeffrey under my breath.

"She gets really emotional around the holidays," Jeffrey whispered. "It wasn't you."

After that, we waited for the peach to drop. I was surprised by how easy it was to stay up. Last year, I'd fallen asleep and my mom woke me up in time to watch the ball drop.

When the peach dropped, we all toasted. We had to share our resolutions, and I really had to think about mine. Right now, everything in my life seemed to be going pretty perfectly. It wasn't until Jeffrey shared his resolution to be there for the people that were always there for him that I knew what I wanted my resolution to be.

"I want to tell people when I'm grateful for them and make sure the people in my life know that I see everything they've done for me," I announced when it was my turn. "My older brother and sister, my parents, and…" I turned to Jeffrey. "You. Thank you for being my friend."

Jeffrey smiled and looked down at the carpeted floor.

His parents went upstairs leaving us alone a few minutes later and we got to set up our sleeping area. "Hey, Jeff. Can you grab a few more pillows from upstairs?" Mattie asked. He was fluffing out a blanket.

"Sure thing."

Jeffrey had barely climbed the two steps that separated the living room from the hallway before Mattie turned to me. "It was nice of you to say that about Jeff." It still threw me off that Jeffrey's family called him Jeff because he'd insisted on being called Jeffrey when I met him.

"I meant it," I said with a shrug.

"Can you grab one corner?" He passed me part of the blanket. "He really trusts you which is a big deal for him."

"Why?" I asked uncertainly.

Mattie hesitated. "He had a tough time before we moved and even after we got here, he had a tough time making friends. Then, you were in his class this year, and it was what all of us have been waiting for. All we wanted for Jeffrey was for him to make a friend."

I looked at the floor because I had no idea what was happening. "He's my friend too," I said. "I like spending time with him."

Mattie smiled. "Good. I hope you're the person he thinks you are because he really deserves a friend like that."

"I hope I am too."

Jeffrey came back down, and it was like our conversation never happened.

- . - . - . -

Lake's POV

I followed Lucy down this path that led to what I could only describe as a hedge garden. There were stone benches mixed in with the hedges, but it was fairly simple. Simple yet beautiful. There was a fountain in the middle of the hedges, but it wasn't running right now. Probably because it was too cold. It still made me feel like I was in a movie about an enchanted castle. If the hedges were taller, they probably would've made this feel like a maze

We sat down on the benches and looked around. "This is beautiful," I observed.

"It's so quiet out here. I remember coming out here during my first high school party because I was so overwhelmed. It's a good place to sit and think."

"Really?" I asked surprised. "You got overwhelmed? You seem so natural in a crowd." Her job literally forced her into large crowds multiple times a week, so I couldn't picture it.

Lucy smiled as she moved a little closer to me so our thighs were touching. "I wasn't overwhelmed by the number of people," she said quietly.

"Then what was it?"

"Have you ever been doing something totally normal, but then you look at it a little differently and it launches this whole existential crisis?"

I snorted because that about summed up the past month and a half of my life. "You have no idea." I rubbed the back of my neck subconsciously. This was the perfect opportunity to tell her the truth, but I couldn't find the words… that wasn't true. The words, I like you, practically wrote themselves; I couldn't make myself speak them. "How is your cousin?"

"She was actually busy most of the time. I was so excited to see her, but she didn't try to make time for me; not that she needed to, but I wished we'd spent more time together. It wasn't what it used to be. I… I missed you a lot." She was looking down at her hands. "I was glad you called."

"I missed you too. Talking on the phone isn't the same. Though, I wish you'd told me that you were bored. I would've come up to visit one day." I'd spent the last week wallowing in loneliness, and I wouldn't have minded the distraction. "Then again, if your cousin ditched you, you probably spent the whole week reading and drinking hot chocolate, didn't you?" Maybe a week after we'd started hanging out, we'd been talking about what we'd do as a dream job if we could. That had been hers. She wouldn't mind spending her whole day curled up with a good book.

A weird look crossed her face. "A fair amount of it," she admitted. "You know me pretty well, don't you?"

"I like to think so," I agreed. "You've become one of my best friends." It was true; I'd never expected to get so close to Lucy and I knew part of it was because I was crushing on her hard, but it was more than that. She was so easy to talk to and be around.

A weird look crossed her face. "No, yeah. Right. Of course," she said.

"What's going on?" I asked her.

Lucy squeezed her eyes shut tightly for a minute before she spoke. "Lake, I'm not the kind of person that beats around the bush. I don't see the point in playing games or holding myself back. If something doesn't feel right, I shut it down and don't waste my time. If something does… well, I like to think that I'd do something about it instead of waiting for someone else to make the first move, but I haven't been doing that lately because I'm so scared to put myself out there when I don't know if I'm reading things right." She was studying her hands intently.

"Okay," I said slowly. "What does all of that mean?"

"I feel like there's something here. Am I imagining that?"

I sucked in my lips because I was pretty sure I was going to cry or squeal or something; I was suddenly so full of so many feelings. "You're not imagining it."

She took my hand. "To clarify… I like you. Like, as more than a friend. I've known that I like girls and guys for a while and I probably should have told you that first night we hung out because, even then, I felt this connection with you that I've never felt with anyone before and-"

I couldn't wipe the smile off my face even if I tried. It was kind of like I'd been living my whole life for this moment. I'd spent so much of the last month and a half feeling uncertain about what I was doing, but something took over me at that moment that wiped away all of my insecurities. It felt natural when I leaned in to kiss her.

Part of me expected the world to suddenly change, but mostly, I wondered why we hadn't been doing this every day for the last month and a half. Why had we held ourselves back?

A warmth spread through me and, while it wasn't the same as being with Felix, it was just as amazing in its own way. Even the thrill and fear of this moment existing and feeling like I was one step closer to understanding myself made the kiss that much more exhilarating and breathtaking.

When we broke apart, she rested her forehead against mine. "I can't even tell you how long I've wanted to do that for," she muttered. "Thanks for making that happen."

"I've never done that before… with a girl, I mean."

Her eyes flew open. "Was that okay?"

We must've been too far away to hear the countdown, but before I could answer her, fireworks started to light up the sky. "It was perfect," I answered.

She kissed me softly and I could feel myself melting. Seriously, why had we waited? "What happens now?" She asked quietly.

"We take this one day at a time," I told her sincerely. "Look, this is all new to me. You said you've known for a while, but I haven't. I thought I was straight until I met you."

"And you're still figuring things out." She leaned back.

"Yes and no," I told her. "I don't know what I am, but I do know I like you. I've known since the first time we hung out. It was… not something I could deny. I feel really happy when we're together, but I'm still figuring out what this means for me. I want to be with you, but I also want some time for us to just be Lucy and Lake before other people can complicate this. Is that okay?"

"Yes." I rested my head on her shoulder and she kissed the top of my head. "That sounds perfect."

- . - . - . -

Rahim's POV

Ryker insisted it was a crime against humanity for us to stay in and celebrate a quiet New Year's Eve, so we ended up at Boardner's. It was kind of a small miracle we'd never gotten caught all the times they'd brought me here because the fake ID they'd procured for me was by no means a good fake ID. They were right though; no one cared if our IDs were good as long as we were 21 on paper. The owners, who I now knew by name, for sure knew we were underage.

It didn't matter tonight because, operating under the belief that no one should rein in the new year with people that don't understand them, the club was open to everyone. We got a stamp on the back of our hands that designated us as 'over 21'. It was kind of laughable because no one in our group came close to looking like we were twenty-one. I guessed Matt came the closest, but I had trouble thinking that anyone would picture him as twenty-one when I'd seen him around school with a neon orange backpack.

Word must have spread about their event tonight because the club was packed, and I didn't recognize most of the people.

Sabrina had gotten to the club early and had staked out a table, so we, fortunately, had a space for our group. The party was in full swing and Ryker and I were left to hold down our table while everyone danced with complete strangers. We were drinking the house special cocktail Drop The Ball. No one actually seemed to know what was in it, but it tasted like blue raspberry and we were obsessed.

"You can go dance. I don't mind sitting here by myself," Ryker told me. They hadn't taken their eyes off of Riley since we got here. Riley was currently dancing quite provocatively with a girl I didn't recognize.

"But then who would judge these Instagram posts with me?" I shot back. Instagram and creeksecrets were blowing up with all those cheesy posts about how nostalgic everyone was for 2020 to be ending. I thought good riddance to 2020, but it made a fun game to try to find the most vomit-worthy post.

"Fair enough," they agreed. "Sometimes I wish I wasn't single, then I read stuff like this." They passed me their phone so I could read Maddie's post about how Nick was the love of her life and how she couldn't wait to spend forever with him. It was pretty bad.

"Didn't they start dating two weeks ago?" I asked.

"Yep. She's definitely gonna murder him in his sleep one day. Then they'll be together forever."

"Ew, did you see his response? He might get to her first."

"No way," they insisted. I passed them their phone back as proof. "Yikes. Maybe they'll be a serial killer couple."

"Maddie does have crazy eyes."

While we looked for a post to top Maddie's, a kid in a sweater vest over a button-up came up to us. He had really, really, really red hair. "Hi," he said loudly. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Uh, hi," Ryker said. They looked at me, then at the new kid, then back at me. I was literally going to push them out of their chair if they made it any more obvious.

The kid looked down at the floor. "Sorry, I don't know what I'm doing here. My friend dragged me here because he insisted that I needed to quote-unquote live a little, but then he disappeared and you look like you're roughly my age, so I thought…" he trailed off. "This was probably a bad idea."

"Not a bad idea," Ryker jumped in. "My name is Ryker. This is my handsome, single friend, Rahim." Oh my God. I was going to kill them. That was actually what was going to happen. I glared at them, but they apparently didn't get the message. "Sit with us. Let's get to know each other."

TJ looked at me with an amused smile. "Are you sure?"

I sighed as dramatically as I could before I gestured to an empty seat. "It's New Year's Eve. No one should be by themselves today," I told him. He took a seat across from me. "What's your name?"

"TJ. I'm a sophomore in high school. I've never been here before. Is it always so… loud?"

"Always," I confirmed. "We're both sophomores too. Where do you go to school?"

"Galileo High School." Ryker and I made eye contact and they raised their eyebrows at me. Galileo High School was a super prestigious private school that you had to pass a really hard test to get into. Only geniuses went there.

"So, you're like crazy smart," Ryker observed.

He shrugged. "Not really. I'm just good enough at math and science to pass the placement exams."

I whistled. I could barely make sense of math class… probably because I skipped it so much. I hadn't touched my Geometry packet yet… I'd worry about that tomorrow. "We go to Creekwood."

"So, you're like crazy rich," he said.

I couldn't help my laughter. "I like you," I decided. TJ looked down at the table with a small, pleased smile on his face. Maybe it was the alcohol, but I suddenly wanted to see where this night could go. "We should go dance!"

"Oh… I don't know."

"Come on. It's New Year's Eve. Do you really want to sit around making small talk or do you want to go dance ridiculously with a bunch of people too drunk to notice?"

He hesitated a moment before he stood up.

"I'll watch the table," Ryker offered. They gave me a thumbs-up as I walked away.

TJ followed me out to the dance floor and, within minutes, he was laughing too hard to feel self-conscious. We danced erratically until Toto (I was reasonably confident that wasn't his actual name) announced that there were ten minutes until midnight.

"I should find my friend," he said loudly. I felt strangely disappointed about that. I knew he was going to leave tonight and I'd probably never see him again; I didn't even know for sure if he was gay. He could just be an ally with a gay friend, but this had been the longest I'd gone without thinking about Victor in… way too long.

"It was nice meeting you," I shouted back. It took me less than a minute to locate Ryker.

They were sitting in the exact position they'd been in when I'd left to dance. They were smiling smugly at me as they passed me a drink. "You like him."

"Stop," I said. "I barely know him."

"I know, but you're a hopeless romantic. You should be with him. Get that midnight kiss."

I rolled my eyes at them. "You're ridiculous." I scanned the bar despite my words, but he was nowhere to be found.

"He was kind of cute."

"In a sweater vest kind of way," I agreed.

"Find him; get his number," they encouraged.

"I don't know…"

"It's time for you to move on. TJ seems dorky but sweet. And you can do better than… someone that's apparently an alcoholic."

I wasn't sure if I was drunk or if their words just didn't make sense. "What are you talking about? Victor's not an alcoholic."

Ryker passed me their phone and I frowned as I read the creeksecrets posts. It took me approximately half a second to understand what was happening and that Victor was taking the fall for Benji. I guess Ryker won our whole competition from before because this was definitely the worst New Year's post I'd seen all day. I couldn't get over how many there were.

Part of me wanted to unload everything on Ryker, but I'd promised Victor I wouldn't tell anyone and, even now, I had to honor that promise. Instead, I said, "they're not true."

Ryker held up their hands defensively. "Okay."

I kept scrolling through their phone; the posts only got worse the longer I looked. "I should call him."

"No!" Ryker said assertively. "He's with Benji and all of his friends right now."

"I used to be his friend," I protested.

"Yeah. Until he dropped you." I felt like I'd been slapped. "He hasn't talked to you at all since he chose Benji. He's not worth this. I wish you'd just find TJ and talk to an actual nice guy."

I knew Ryker made a lot of sense, but I found myself getting defensive. Victor hadn't done anything wrong. He'd chosen Benji because he loved him. I couldn't really be mad at him for that even if I wished he'd chosen me. "Victor's tried to talk to me, but I told him I wasn't ready," I pointed out. That technically wasn't true because I'd only told Pilar that and she'd passed it on to him; the point was he was just respecting my boundaries. "Besides, you're not one to talk. You're dating life hasn't exactly been popping lately." I instantly felt bad. "I'm sorry. That's not what I meant."

They sighed. "I just really want you to be happy and it sucks to watch you pine after someone that's not interested."

I let out a huffy breath. "If I see TJ again before we leave, I will ask for his number, but… I don't know. I don't even know if he's gay. He could be straight… or a murderer. We don't know anything about him; maybe he stalks nightclubs and lures unsuspecting bargoers to their deaths. It's the nerdy ones you have to look out for. He's probably smart enough to get away with it."

Ryker raised their eyebrows at me. "You need help."

I grinned despite myself and finished the drink in front of me. "Next round's on me."

"Is the next round on you because we've been getting free drinks all night?"

I grinned. It was kind of true. "What do you want to toast the new year with?"

"Another one of these," they said, waving their glass at me.

When I glanced back at the table, I could see that some of our friends were starting to filter back, so I asked for a few. I flirted the teensiest amount with Nono. Nono had a big, hearty laugh. He was one of my favorite bartenders. Whew, and you should see him without a shirt. He was way too old for me, but I loved to look. "Breaking hearts tonight, Rahim?" he asked as he made the drinks.

"You know it."

Nono only chuckled before he put the glasses on a tray. "I'll walk these over." That was probably smart. My hand-eye coordination wasn't great whilst sober. I didn't want to think about the carnage of broken glass and spilled drinks that would probably result from me trying to balance the tray. Nono put the drinks on our table when we were told we had a minute until the new year. We were all huddled around our table.

"I have something to say," Matt slurred. He held up his glass. "Before we toast the new year… I want you all to know how much I love this little family we've made here. Thank you all for being my home away from home, and giving me a place where I get to be myself."

"Here, here," Sabrina cheered.

"To old friends… and new ones." Matt shot me a smile. "I know that with all of you, 2021 is gonna be lit!"

"Yass," the other Matt cheered. "Shall we?"

"Ten," Toto called from the front of the bar.

"Nine, Eight," we continued with him. "Three. Two. One!" I got swept away in the camaraderie and energy that surrounded us. We toasted each other and we all cried a little bit even if Matt insisted his tears were the result of his allergies.

We stayed for another hour before Ryker started to yawn. "We should get back to your place," they said. We'd had a long debate about whose house would be safer - their parents didn't celebrate New Years and probably would be asleep, but Ryker also technically wasn't supposed to be celebrating New Years, so they didn't have a good excuse to go out and come back at 2 am. My parents would kill us if they knew we'd been drinking, but they were at least on board with us celebrating New Year's, so my house it was.

I nodded. "Sounds good."

TJ found us as we were walking out. "Are you leaving?" I didn't think it was the alcohol that made him look a little disappointed.

"Oh. Yeah," I said.

Ryker looked between us. "I'm going to wait at the bus stop." They winked at me as they walked away and didn't seem to realize that TJ could see them too.

"Don't mind my friend. They had a little too much to drink tonight."

TJ chuckled. "It's okay. I think she's… they're?" I nodded. "They're sweet."

"Yeah. They're alright." I couldn't help my smile. In a lot of ways, I'd really lucked out when Ryker had happened upon me outside of the bar that day. I was lucky we'd clicked so quickly and that they'd introduced me to all of their friends.

"I, uh, wanted to say I had a really good time tonight. I don't usually do stuff like this… you know, talk to complete strangers. My best friend dragged me here because my boyfriend broke up with me a week ago and… you made me forget about that."

"I had a lot of fun with you too." I chewed on my lip for a second. "Would you want to talk sometime? Maybe over coffee?"

He looked down at the ground. "I'd really like to say yes, but I just got out of a really toxic relationship. I don't think I'm ready to start something new yet."

"Then don't start something new," I suggested. "Coffee isn't a commitment. It's just an attempt to see if maybe you want to make a new friend."

"Okay," he agreed. He pulled out his phone, unlocked it, and passed it to me so I could type in my number. "It was really nice meeting you, Rahim." He ran back inside.

My phone buzzed before I got to the bus stop. Happy New Year :)

I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I texted him back.

- . - . - . -

Victor's POV

I wasn't expecting this to be as big of a deal as it was. Somehow, I felt like people were making a bigger deal about this than when I'd come out, and I didn't think that was possible. I'd had to instate a no-creeksecrets rule because we'd gotten kind of obsessive about it yesterday, and I was pretty sure Benji cheated as much as I had when we weren't together.

I met Benji at Brasstown our first day back at school because I knew he was super triggered by this whole situation, and I thought it would make him feel better if I didn't have to walk into school by myself. I think he was afraid that this was going to be too much for me and I'd suddenly think that his alcoholism was a deal-breaker or something.

We told Sarah we left something in the back so we could make out for a few minutes while she was working. A few minutes turned into… way more than a few minutes. We didn't break apart until Sarah walked into the back room with her hands over her eyes and called, "is it safe to look around?"

I would have been mortified… more mortified if I knew it wasn't just her being dramatic. She'd had a long, long, long conversation with me and Benji about a month ago about boundaries in the workplace and, while we weren't working right now, we knew those rules probably still applied. We were always careful not to overstep when we were working; even after hours, there were lines we wouldn't cross.

I flattened out my shirt before I made a point of closing the locker. "Found it," I pretended to put something in my bag while Benji tried to hide his smile. He always got so red when we kissed which was a dead giveaway, but we all pretended to be unaware of it. "Ready to go?"

We were late for school, but he didn't complain and I certainly wasn't going to. It was definitely worth it.

I was reading the quote printed at the bottom of my late pass, so I walked right into Benji because I hadn't realized he'd stopped moving. Whoever thought our school was oblivious to the drama of creeksecrets was very, very wrong. It seemed like everywhere I looked was a poster about safe drinking or resources if someone needed them. I would have thought it was a student prank or something, but I had a feeling some of them would have been taken down by now and there was one on the bulletin board inside a display case.

"Wow," I muttered. "They work fast." Benji had a pained expression on his face. "Hey, save that look for when we get to Pre-Calculus."

Benji cracked the smallest of smiles before I kissed him. He ran his hand through my hair and rested it on the back of my neck. "I'm so sorry."

I shrugged. "I'm really not worried about it."

"How are you so cool about this?" he demanded. "You've been tightly wound since you came out, and all of a sudden, you just don't care what people are saying?"

"I guess I don't mind it. It feels different; more like high school bullshit and less like a crisis." I frowned as I tried to figure out how to word this. "I think I'd rather it be directed towards me. It's kind of like I finally get to do something for you after everything you've done for me."

He stared at me. "You hear yourself, right? Like, you heard the words that just came out of your mouth?"

"What?" I asked. "It's true. I feel okay because I know they're not saying this stuff about you if they're saying it about me."

"So we're just going to pretend that this isn't as bad as it is?" he asked.

"I know that this is bad," I told him. "But I kind of like being able to be there for you with this. Since I came out, you've had to be my protector. Let me take the reins for a little while."

His eyes fluttered closed and I took that chance to kiss him again before we went to class.

My day really was a whirlwind. For the most part, the stuff that people were saying bounced right off of me, but despite my best attempts, it was starting to get to me. I thought it was partially how stressful it was to know that Benji was dealing with this too. So many people were telling him how great they thought it was that he got me the help he needed (some kids told him this in front of me!), and I was in a constant state of worry about how he was going to handle it.

I really couldn't fathom why everyone thought this was so funny and it was almost a relief when I was pulled out of last period; we had a substitute which gave everyone way too much time to talk about me in voices that were just too loud to be accidental, so I was grateful to escape.

- . - . - . -

Mia's POV

I woke up so early; I thought my body was programmed to know that I should've been back in school. Andrew was still fast asleep next to me, but I couldn't stop thinking about all of our friends that were getting ready for school.

I missed them so badly. It hit me hard and it hit me fast. I didn't know why I was getting so emotional. Maybe because I hadn't seen them in a month and a half or because I knew what I was giving up by looking for my mom. I still thought it was worth it, but it was hard.

I must've woken Andrew up when I started to cry because his arms quickly engulfed me. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm being stupid. Just thinking about everyone."

"That's not stupid. I'm thinking about it too. We would've just gotten to school. Or, I guess we technically would have gotten there an hour ago. I'd be going to Chemistry and you'd be off to English."

"Do you think things are different without us there? Or are they just… moving on?"

"Of course they're different. Maybe not for the whole school, but definitely for our friends."

"And the basketball team," I realized. Their fall season ended before we left, so I hadn't had to think about it.

"They'll be fine. Victor's better than me anyway."

"Whoa," I teased.

He kissed my cheek. "Do not tell him I said that."

I chuckled. "I'm gonna text him right now." I snuggled into his hold instead. "What's the plan for today?"

"I was thinking we could get breakfast, hit up a museum, and then go back to the bean around sunset. I've read it's something to see when the sun is going down."

"Really?"

"I had to pry you away from it yesterday. I figure if we bring a blanket, you can stare at it as long as you want."

Sure enough, I was kind of awe-struck when we went back. I'd seen it yesterday, but when I looked at my reflection, I still felt so small and big at the same time as if it was my first time here.

"That definitely makes a shadow," Andrew remarked.

I looked at him surprised. "You remember that? I said it once in like the sixth grade."

"Yeah, I had a pretty big crush on you even then and spent a week doing a deep dive into Gertrude Barnstone," he explained.

I tried not to smile giddily, but I didn't have that much success. It had been years ago, but I felt flattered all the same. "It's kind of cute to think of little twelve-year-old Andrew having a crush on me."

"I was adorable," he agreed cockily. He wrapped his arms around me from behind and looked at our reflection. "What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking that it's time to call my dad," I admitted.

I was grateful when he didn't let go of me because I wasn't sure if I could have the conversation I needed to have without him. It turned out, I hyped myself up for nothing. My dad didn't answer.

He didn't call me back until we left to go to our hotel room.

"Hey, dad," I answered.

"Accept my FaceTime."

I held my phone away from me. "You are holding the phone way too close to your face, dad. All I can see is your forehead." He held it further away. "Wait. Are you in a hospital?"

"Yes. Meet Kyle Brooks," he said. The camera panned over to Veronica who was holding a bundle.

"Oh my God," I whispered.

"He was born at 5:32 pm. 9 pounds 11 ounces."

"He's healthy?" I confirmed.

"Very. Veronica ended up having a c-section. His head was too big."

I chuckled despite myself and felt a tear slip down my cheek. "Hey, Mia," Veronica said. My dad passed her the phone. She sounded really tired.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"I'm okay. My incisions hurt, but it's worth it." She kissed the baby before she held him up so I could see him. "This is Kyle."

"He's so cute. He kind of looks like you."

"I think so too," Veronica admitted. "How are you? Any luck with your mom?"

"Not yet. We found out where she went next, but…" I looked at Kyle. My baby brother. "I don't know. Maybe it's time to come home."

Veronica looked at something behind the phone and nodded before she passed me back to my dad. "Mia, you get to be selfish right now. Me and Veronica and Kyle, we're not going anywhere. We'll be right here whenever you come home, but you get to finish what you started if that's what you want. Kyle won't remember that you weren't here, but you'll always remember if you don't find her."

"You don't think I should come home?" I asked surprised. "Aren't you going to say I'm too young to be traveling across the country?"

"You've been raising yourself since you were thirteen; I don't think you're too young to be doing anything. You'll be fine," he said confidently.

"Are you sure?" I felt this burning need to meet Kyle, but I didn't know if I was ready to give up on my mom.

"You asked me to choose you, and I told you I would. I'm sorry that I didn't do that. You do what you need to do, okay?" A tear slipped from his eye and it was like a dagger to my heart. He didn't say whether the plan was still to take that position at Stanford, and I didn't ask. Even if he changed his mind, it wouldn't change that he lied to me. "I realize what I'm asking you to sacrifice. Take as long as you need, baby girl."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

The guilt and anxiety stayed with me long after I hung up on him. "What are you going to do?" Andrew asked.

"I don't know."

- . - . - . -

Benji's POV

Lucy was leaning against the counter in Brasstown. I'd attempted to talk to her, but she was kind of in her own little world today. She'd been walking around all day with a lovestruck smile on her face. She'd agreed to walk me to Brasstown, and I thought we were going to talk, but she'd been too busy sighing happily at her phone. I figured she was seeing someone new and just hadn't told me yet; I hoped she'd tell me soon because I really wanted to know who had her acting like this.

I was doing my best not to anxiously drum my fingers on the counter… I was failing miserably. Our shift started nearly thirty minutes earlier, but Victor hadn't shown up yet. I hadn't been able to find him after school either, so the last time I'd seen him was at lunch.

I knew he swore that he was okay, but anything could have happened in the last half of the day to freak him out. I couldn't shake the feeling that he'd finally heard what I'd been saying about how overwhelming this whole thing was.

I didn't want to be that boyfriend, but the longer that he went without showing up for work, the more convinced I was that he'd just decided to wash his hands of everything.

I tried not to look as relieved as I felt when he finally walked through the door. He didn't seem to notice the customer I was helping or Lucy when he walked up to me and kissed me. He disappeared into the back to grab his apron while I passed the man his coffee. He tsked at me as he took it and left quickly.

"I'm so sorry I'm late," Victor said as he walked out front. He'd somehow gotten himself tangled in his apron and I helped him tie the knot in the back.

"Where were you? I tried to find you after school."

"I got pulled into a meeting with Mr. Budesa," he admitted.

"Your guidance counselor?"

"Yeah. He wanted to make sure I was doing okay and that I had the resources I needed to successfully fight my addiction." Victor rolled his eyes. "He told me that I should be proud that I've started my journey to recovery and that, while it will be a lifelong struggle, it will also be a worthwhile struggle."

"Wait. Is it true?" Lucy asked surprised. She looked between us.

Victor raised his eyebrows at me. "No," I said. "He's covering for me."

"Boyfriend of the year right here," Lucy said as she elbowed Victor. She glanced at her phone. "I have to go but call me if you need to talk later."

"Do you think Lucy's been acting weird lately?"

"Not as weird as you've been," he answered immediately.

I looked down guiltily. "I'm sorry. For everything. If I'd never become such a mess-"

"Then you wouldn't have built yourself back up into the person you are today, and I love that person. Don't apologize for struggling," he interrupted. "Was Mr. Budesa right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is this a lifetime struggle for you? You'll never drink?"

I looked at him surprised because I'd figured he'd realized that. "Never," I confirmed. "After… after my accident, I tried the whole drinking in moderation thing, but it didn't take long to realize that wasn't a possibility for me. I can't drink."

"But you want to?" He was staring down at the counter intently.

"Sometimes."

"Do you want to right now?"

I considered lying to him, but he was in this position because of me. The least I could do was be honest with him. I rubbed the back of my neck; I couldn't do it. "I'm not going to drink."

"That's not what I asked," he said gently.

I sighed. "Yeah. I do. Typically. It's worse when I'm alone or stressed."

"So, when you go home tonight?" he asked. "Is it gonna be bad?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Because I've gone a day with the whole school thinking I'm an alcoholic and it's the first time I feel like I might be able to understand what you're going through. I may not actually need them, but when my teachers and my guidance counselor kept offering me resources… it made this whole thing real," he explained. "I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me if you're going to have a bad night or something."

"I just don't want you to have to worry about me."

"I want to worry about you," he said softly. "Just like you worry about me. That's kind of in the boyfriend job description."

"I just want you to trust me when I say I'm okay," I told him.

"I do trust you. If you tell me that you're going to go home tonight and you're not going to drink, I will believe you."

"But you're still going to worry."

"Of course," he said matter-of-factly. "I'm not going to worry that you'll drink, but I'll worry about how tough it will be for you. We're going to worry about each other for the rest of our lives. Worry doesn't mean we don't trust each other. Worry is a natural part of knowing that someone you love is going through a tough time." He smiled slightly. "That's what Mr. Budesa told me. He's not the worst."

"Did you tell him about me?" I asked. I knew the principals and Ms. Johansen, my guidance counselor, were aware of my AA because they were told about it after my accident, but I wanted to limit it to them. Other than Derek and Lucy, I'd done a really good job keeping this from everyone. Lucy probably wouldn't even have known if she hadn't stopped by my house when I was still recovering from my accident.

"No," he promised. "He asked me if I'd talked to you about my struggle, and I told him I was having trouble telling you about it." He scoffed. "He told me he could tell by my reluctance to talk about it in his office."

Victor helped a woman who changed her drink order about fifty times while he was in the process of making it and eventually decided to go with a small, black coffee. When she left, he turned back to me. "So, tonight."

I sighed. "It's gonna be tough, but I'll be fine."

"I know you will be. I could FaceTime you. We can stay up as late as you want. Maybe finish that movie," he suggested. We'd gotten about ten minutes into one of the Spiderman movies three different times when we'd been at Lake Lanier, but we hadn't gotten further than that before we'd fallen asleep or distracted each other.

"You don't need to do that," I told him.

He let out a frustrated sigh. "I know I don't need to," he said angrily. "Believe it or not, I like talking to you. I'm not just with you for the sex."

I looked at him startled because he'd gone from perfectly pleasant to angry faster than I could keep track of. "I never said you were. And work is our home base, remember? We're not allowed to fight here." It was one of the first things we'd agreed upon because it wasn't fair for the people we worked with to keep picking up the slack when we were too busy fighting to make coffee.

"It's just the two of us. There's no one to scare away with our fighting."

"Except our customers," I muttered. "What happened? Why are you so angry?"

"I need you to stop telling me that I don't need to act like your boyfriend."

I almost wished Lucy was still here because I really could have used the validation that I wasn't crazy and that Victor was overreacting. "I want you to act like my boyfriend. I just don't want AA to change things."

"I'm sorry, Benji, but it changes things," he said bluntly. "I think I have been very patient with this, but you can't just compartmentalize the pieces of your life. I exist in the same space as your AA and we can't work if you keep pretending that I don't."

I took a step back from him. "How did this go wrong so quickly?" I held up my hand. "Give me a second." I turned so my back was to him and replayed what had just happened. I tried to figure it out, but the only thing I could distinctly remember was, we can't work if you keep pretending that I don't. I gave myself a minute before I turned back so I was facing Victor. "I think that I must have said something that really upset you. I am also feeling very anxious about what you just said."

Victor leaned back against the counter. "I feel really frustrated when you tell me that I don't need to do things that I want to do to support you. I feel like that makes me… insignificant to you. Like, maybe you don't realize how much I want to be a part of your life."

"What?" I asked incredulously. "Victor, that's ridiculous."

"Is it?" he challenged. "It's always 'you don't need to do that', 'you don't have to do that', blah, blah, blah. I want to do these things; I'd want to do them even if you didn't have your stuff with drinking. I want to spend all night on FaceTime and fall asleep listening to you talk about God knows what. I want to be there for you. Even if you will be fine tonight, why can't I help make it easier? Just because you can deal with it on your own doesn't mean you have to. I want to be one half of this team and not just the kid that gets put in when we're winning." He was a little out of breath by the time he finished.

"I didn't know you felt that way." I felt guilty because, until he pointed it out, I hadn't realized how often I said stuff like that. "I'm sorry. I know it's not a good excuse because we've been together over seven months, but I think I'm still getting used to the idea that these are things you want to do and not just things you feel like you have to do."

"Can you start to trust that I'm not going to offer to do things I don't want to do?" He asked.

"I can try," I promised.

"Thanks. And I'm sorry that I snapped at you." When he took a step towards me and pulled me into a hug, I felt like I melted. "I guess today got to me a little more than I wanted to let on."

"I get that. Today sucked. Do you want to talk about it?"

He looked thoughtful for a second. "No. Not right now, at least." He kissed my forehead and held me like that until a woman asked us if we were planning on working tonight. "Can't you see we're having a moment?" He grumbled under his breath as he let me go. He raised his voice so she could hear him. "I'll be right with you, ma'am."

When he finished helping her, he asked, "so is that a yes to FaceTime? Or you can just come over."

"Your curfew is ten minutes after we finish closing," I pointed out.

"Yeah, but my mom and dad will be in bed before I get home. They don't even have to know."

It took me a full minute to understand. "Are you going to sneak me into your apartment?"

He chewed his lip. "Only if you want."

I knew it was a bad idea, but the moment it was on the table, I really, really wanted that. "Just for the movie," I told him. "I don't want to get you in trouble."

He shrugged. "I'm really not worried about it. It'll be worth it."

I nodded. "Okay."

- . - . - . -

Lake's POV

I felt like I had no idea how to act around Lucy at school. I was terrified that I was going to make it really obvious that I liked her, but I couldn't bear the thought of spending an entire day away from her, so I just lived in a constant state of fear that someone would figure me out.

It was mostly that I wasn't sure what normal was. I must've managed at one point to act like we were just friends because, even when I was crushing on her, we were just friends. I couldn't remember how I'd acted because I'd never had to think about it around her.

All of a sudden, I had to think about it. In retrospect, I thought it went fine and I was weird enough in general that no one seemed to realize if there was extra weirdness today. Plus, things were weird enough with everyone thinking Victor was an alcoholic, so there was a lot to distract us.

I texted Lucy after lunch and asked her if she wanted to hang out later because one day of acting like we weren't together really was very difficult. She'd answered despite the fact that I knew she was in Algebra and her teacher had a strict no-cell-phone policy. She said she wanted to check in with Victor after school but would be free after that. I told her I'd pick her up from Brasstown.

I didn't tell her what I had planned. I wanted it to be a little bit of a surprise, so when she climbed into my car while I was idled outside of Brasstown, I knew she didn't think anything special was about to happen.

I drove her back to my place. "My dad is in California looking at brussel sprouts for work and my mom has her biweekly self-care day, so she won't be home for a few hours." It really worked out. My dad traveled a lot for work because he did something with produce… I really wasn't totally sure exactly what he did, but he'd been really excited this morning when he stopped in to say goodbye before he left.

"Okay," Lucy said quietly. Because I hadn't gotten out of my car, she hadn't progressed much further than taking off her seatbelt. She was looking at me curiously.

"We got through our first day back," I continued. "And I know this isn't as romantic as a first date walking around the boardwalk, but…"

"Are you asking me on a date?" Lucy asked. The smallest smile flit across her face.

"That depends. Are you going to say yes?" I asked.

She chuckled. "This better be impressive. I have very high standards."

I finally got out of my car. "I've been thinking about what our first date would look like for a while," I admitted. "And I always pictured us going to that place you like to call a park." Lucy rolled her eyes. "It's too cold to go there, so I hope this will be a close second."

I led her not to my front door but around the side of my house to the back porch. We had an enclosed porch and I cranked up the heat after school so that it wouldn't be freezing when we got here.

Lucy stopped right in the entrance and stared at my little setup. "What? How?"

I couldn't help my smile; I didn't think Lucy had ever been speechless before. "I came here after school and set up. It's why I was so late to get you." I looked around. I didn't think it was that extra. "Too much?"

She shook her head. "No, it's perfect. I'm just surprised. I guess I figured dates would be off the table for a while." She sat down on a wicker bench and immediately pulled the blanket over herself. "I'm glad they're not. What do you have planned for our first date?"

"We could watch a movie," I told her. "Or, and hear me out, when I was googling first ideas-"

"Wait. You did research for this? You're such a dork; I love it."

"I just wanted to be prepared." I sat down next to her. "Anyway, I came across this idea that was like a hobby swap. It's basically where you teach the other person about one of your hidden talents or hobbies." I nudged her arm. "Will you stop smiling for ten seconds and tell me if you like that idea?"

"No. I think I want you to sit and be nervous for a minute," she teased. "Of course I like it."

"Great," I said, relieved. "Mine's not exactly hidden, but I thought we could make an early dinner together. I stopped at Publix and bought everything we need to make chicken parmesan. My mom has a killer recipe for it, but she only makes it like once a year because it's not the healthiest."

"So, you're telling me that I need to come up with a hidden talent?" she confirmed. I nodded, and she looked thoughtful. "Did I ever tell you I'm decent at origami?"

I tilted my head. "No."

"When my granddad was first starting to lose his memory, one of the things he always talked about was how he and my grandma did the paper crane tradition before they got married."

"The paper crane tradition?" I asked uncertainly.

"If you and your fiance fold one thousand paper cranes it's supposed to lead to a long and happy marriage."

"Oh, I have heard of that." I just didn't know it was a wedding tradition. I remembered reading a book for school where someone that was dying of cancer did it.

"My grandma was amazing at origami; it's why they did it. Like, she could make anything you could think of out of paper. In the early days, it was how I kept connecting with my grandpa. I'd spend hours with him making whatever he asked me to make. One of his favorites was the butterfly, so I got pretty good at it. I still do it sometimes if I'm really stressed about him. It's almost like a reminder that things weren't always this way. It makes me feel close to him again to remember a time when he knew who I was." She shivered. "Sorry. I'm totally ruining this date."

"No, you're not," I disagreed. "That sounds really sweet. I'm glad you have something like that."

"Do you think you might want to try it?"

"Yeah, absolutely. I should warn you that Mia has tried to teach me artsy stuff before and hasn't had much success, but I'll try."

"Lucky for you, all it takes is a little bit of patience. What do you want to make?"

"How hard is the butterfly?" I asked.

She frowned. "I think we should build up to that one."

"Then why don't we start with a crane?"

Lucy grinned. "Sounds perfect."

I wasn't sure if it was just because I was doing it with Lucy, but I loved origami. I was surprised by how much I loved origami. She told me I was a natural, and I was choosing to believe her.

By the time Lucy asked me if I was actually going to feed her or if it was a ruse, my bedroom was essentially covered in paper cranes. My earlier attempts were barely distinguishable as cranes, but the last couple I made were nearly as good as Lucy's. "My mom's gonna think I've gone insane," I told her as I looked around. I kind of liked it. I thought my bedroom looked better with paper cranes littering every surface.

"In defense of her, she already thinks that," Lucy pointed out.

I chuckled. "You're not wrong." My mom was going through a phase where she thought everything weird that I did was the result of Felix or Mia, so I was kind of enjoying the freedom that excuse bought me. "Are you ready for my hobby?"

"I'm ready to eat your hobby."

I laughed freely. "It's gonna be about an hour. Think you'll make it?"

"Let's hope so."

She followed me to the kitchen and eagerly followed every instruction. I forgot how much I missed this. It had been a long, long time since I'd cooked something. "My mom makes the sauce homemade when she does it, but it takes her four hours to cook, so I'm hoping you won't mind if we use a jar of tomato sauce."

"I think I'll find some way to live with that," Lucy laughed. She'd been tasked with flipping the chicken in the frying pan and was taking her job very seriously.

When everything was in the oven, we sat next to each other at my kitchen table. "So, where do I rank with your first dates?" I asked.

She pretended to think about it. "Definitely first. Lake, this was amazing. As long as our dinner is edible, I can't imagine this going better."

I grabbed her hand. "I know it's not the same as going out, but I didn't want to act like it wasn't a date and-"

"You don't need to explain yourself," she said softly. "I agreed that we'd just be us for a while. I'm cool with waiting." She squeezed my hand. "I think that this is the best first date we could've had. I love that we got to do this together. If we'd gone out, I wouldn't have seen you in action in the kitchen and you wouldn't have given yourself a hundred papercuts. I hope we get to do more stuff like this."

I rested my head on her shoulder. "Me too."

- . - . - . -

Victor's POV

"We have to be really quiet," I whispered as I keyed into my apartment. "This doesn't work if we wake up my parents. I'll get you to my bedroom then check in with them so they know I'm back."

"It's too dark," Benji breathed once the door closed behind us. I grabbed his hand and used my free hand to feel in front of me. "You weren't joking when you said you were sneaking me in."

"Shhh," I hissed. His hand found my butt. "Benji."

"Sorry. I was just feeling my way to your bedroom," he said innocently.

He squeezed and I couldn't help my involuntary giggle. "Stop!"

I found the edge of the wall just as someone turned on the lights and a shriek traveled through my apartment. I turned, expecting to see my mom. It wasn't my mom. "Tia Lera?" I asked surprised.

"Victor. You gave me a heart attack. Why didn't you turn the lights on?" she asked.

It was only then that she seemed to realize I wasn't alone and her eyes honed in on our entwined hands. "Uh… hi." I quickly dropped Benji's hand and crossed my arms over my chest. "What are you doing here?"

Before she had a chance to answer me, my mom stumbled into the hallway. "What was that?" she asked. She seemed to take in what was happening in front of her. She pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I didn't know tia was coming," I said quietly. I couldn't quite look at my mom. I turned to my aunt. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay. But who's your friend?"

"Um." I glanced behind me at Benji. His face was blank. I motioned him forward. "This is Benji. He's my boyfriend." Remembering that my grandparents hadn't understood what I'd meant, I quickly added, "I'm gay. Benji, this is my Aunt Lera. My mom's sister." I saw Benji stiffen a little. I'd warned him about her.

My mom and aunt had seemed almost like the same person when I'd been growing up, so I expected my aunt to react similarly to my mom, and I was totally thrown off when she didn't. "It's nice to meet you, Benji." To me, she asked, "how long have you been with this cutie?"

I didn't answer her question because I was too busy staring at her.

Benji clearly realized I wasn't capable of stringing together words right now. "We've been together a little over seven months. It's so nice to meet you. Victor's talked a lot about you," he said. He shook her hand and seemed as surprised as I was when she hugged him.

"It's all a lie," she promised him with a grin. "No matter what he says; I'm the fun aunt. Way better than his papi's sisters."

"That's exactly what he says," Benji assured her.

I was still frozen. I glanced at my mom because I was so sure I was imagining this; she was staring at my aunt as well and looked… almost guilty.

It took her a minute to recover. "I didn't realize you were coming over, Benji."

I hung my head. "We were just gonna watch a movie while we did our PreCalc homework." We did technically have homework we could work on.

She shook her head. "I think you should head home."

"Mom, please."

"Oh, let him stay, Izzy," my aunt interjected. "How many times did I help you sneak Armando into our house after papi went to sleep?"

"Valeria!"

"Isabel," my aunt mimicked in my mom's tone. I didn't think I'd ever loved my aunt as much as I did at that moment.

My mom made a sound that made it very clear she was not particularly happy about this. "Fine. But you will keep your door wide open all night. You hear me? And you." My mom span to face my aunt. "Just wait until you have kids." A weird look crossed my aunt's face. "Vic, a word." She motioned to the kitchen. I followed her in. "I'm sorry. If I knew you were gonna bring Benji here, I would've given you a heads up."

"It's okay. I think it kind of worked out this way," I told her. "I can't believe she took it so well."

My mom nodded and looked troubled. "Me neither."

"Are you alright? I'm really sorry for not telling you about Benji, but he shouldn't be alone tonight… I shouldn't have tried to sneak him in."

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah. It's just some school stuff."

"Okay. This can't happen again." She rubbed her eyes. "We need to know when he's going to be here."

"I know. I'm sorry."

She nodded and looked towards our living room. She still had a troubled look on her face. "I… I'm sorry I wasn't like that. I should've been. I've been blaming how I was raised, but-"

"No," I said quietly. "It doesn't matter."

"It does. Because that? That's what you deserved, and I'm so sorry that I didn't give it to you."

I looked at the tiled floor of our kitchen because I really didn't know what to say. "You got there and that's what matters." I couldn't look at her as I said it because I still didn't know how to feel about this. I'd made similar excuses to my mom, and I still couldn't wrap my head around my aunt's immediate acceptance.

"I'm gonna go back to bed, but we will talk in the morning." I really hoped that wasn't code for she was grounding me in the morning.

Benji and my aunt were sitting on the couch, deep in some kind of conversation when we walked out of the kitchen. "Good night. Don't stay up too late."

Benji stood up. "Good night, Lera." My aunt gave me the thumbs up when Benji's back was to her, and I couldn't help my smile. This was never going to feel real.

Despite my mom's orders, when we got to my bedroom, I firmly shut my door. "Your aunt seems nice."

"That really happened, right? Like, she was cool with you? She didn't say anything mean to you when we left?"

He grinned. "She said she had a feeling about you."

I stared. My parents and my siblings had been completely blindsided when I came out, so I had a lot of trouble figuring out how that was possible. "What? How?"

"Your friend… Matt, I think she said his name was."

"Matt?" I asked surprised. "He was my best friend in Texas, but what does he have to do with anything?"

"She thought you were crushing on him."

I snickered. That would be like crushing on my brother. "She did not say that."

"She did. Then she told me that she used to date someone with ties to the mafia, so I better treat you right."

"That is actually true." She'd dated him when I was a baby, but it was a story I'd grown up hearing. "My parents used to threaten us with him if we didn't eat our vegetables."

Benji stared. "Okay. I thought she was just saying that. Good to know."

I chuckled. "You ready for that movie?"

Once again, we only made it about ten minutes in before we were fast asleep.

I woke up and the first thing I saw was Benji. Whenever we fell asleep together, we always woke up in the same position - facing each other with our hands clasped in between us. It didn't matter how we were when we actually fell asleep; we always ended up like this. I thought it was a really good way to wake up.

Benji slept for another minute before his eyes fluttered open. "Morning," he whispered.

"Morning." I traced the edge of his face. "How'd you sleep?"

"I always sleep well with you."

"Good." I leaned in for a kiss. "Ugh."

"Your breath isn't so hot yourself," he tossed back.

"Good thing your mom has a ton of spare toothbrushes." My aunt was standing in my doorway.

I sat up quickly. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough," she said with a grin. "Your mom asked me to wake you up. We want to talk to you about something."

"Give us a second to get dressed," I said quickly.

I was still in a daze when we got to school. "I can't believe my aunt is pregnant." I'd made no progress with actually opening my locker. My aunt was 35, but I had trouble picturing her as a mom. This was the woman that asked me to change Adrian's diaper when she babysat us because of 'the fumes'. That was over six years ago but still. I'd explained that to Benji on our walk here and he seemed to find it hilarious.

"She's really excited about it," Benji said. "And hey, it's not with the mafia guy."

Before I had a chance to say anything, Wyatt ran over. "Hey, Liquor Salazar!"

"That's really funny, Wyatt," I said sarcastically. The pun had been circulating since New Year's Eve, but I didn't really think substituting Liquor for Victor was all that clever.

"What's wrong? Hungover? Oh wait," he taunted.

"Dude, what's your problem?" I asked.

"You're the one with a problem. A drinking problem!" Someone behind Wyatt 'oh'ed at that.

"I'm not ashamed," I snapped I turned to face Wyatt and, by the silence that suddenly filled the hallway, I'd captured the attention of almost everyone around us. I hadn't realized how loud I'd been. Or maybe people had just been waiting for me to snap; I wasn't exactly known for my even temper. "What do you find so funny about this? It's not true, but if it was, so what? What makes this such a joke? Is it that I would've gotten the help I needed? Or that there's something really hilarious about not being able to drink? No, I got it. It's that I could've struggled in the first place, right?"

"That's not what I-"

"I don't care," I interrupted. "Because, you see, this isn't about you. It's not about how you feel about drinking or what you want to know about how it happened." I looked at Benji because as I said the words, I heard them. I thought I'd been doing an okay job at repressing how badly I wanted to know about his stuff, but there were days that it was really difficult to know he wasn't being open with me. "Let's say this was you. I think you'd want me to know that you are so strong for getting the help you need and that you've put in the hard work to be your best self. You'd want me to know that, even if it's not with me, you have worked through some of this stuff with a group of people that have been through it with you. You'd want me to know that even if you can't talk about it with me, it doesn't mean you love me any less; it just means some things are so hard to admit out loud. And if this was happening to you, I'd want you to know how proud I am of you for everything you've done to be the person you are today. I'd be so proud of how long you've been sober, and I'd realize that you've come so far since then. So, I could say whatever the hell I want about it because it's not about how I feel about it; it's about you and I'm okay with that." I coughed because I was suddenly aware that so many people were staring at me. I realized that the chances of anyone believing that I wasn't in AA went out the window, but I really didn't care. "Do you have any other questions for me?"

Wyatt stood there with a dumbstruck look on his face until the bell rang. I waited until the hallway was clear. "How much trouble am I in?" I asked as I turned to Benji.

He was kissing me before I fully faced him.

- . - . - . -

Benji's POV

"You know I would never suggest this, but do you want to get out of here?" I asked.

He looked at me kind of shocked. "Really?"

"Yeah. I think… I think we need to talk."

"Do you want to go to your place or out somewhere?"

I looked down at the floor. I knew where we needed to go. "Follow me."

He followed me to the bus stop without question. He stopped short when we got close. "Is this…" he trailed off, but his grip on my hand tightened. It was so weird to be here during the day.

"Yeah. It's the Wendy's," I told him.

"You can't even tell."

"No, you wouldn't be able to. They were under construction for about two, three months after that. I think everyone assumed it was a renovation."

I sat down on the curb and he took a seat next to me. This wasn't the first time I'd been in this shopping plaza, but it was the first time I forced myself to look at it. I'd kind of conditioned myself not to see it. I still hadn't been able to bring myself to eat at a Wendy's, and I felt a little nauseated as images of what it had looked like popped into my head. They'd taken pictures the night of my accident and I'd seen them when I had my hearing.

"Is it hard for you? To be here?"

"Yes," I admitted. "It brings up a lot. I remember the first time I came back. It was the day I was discharged from the hospital and my dad drove past it. He said he hadn't thought of it, but it was out of the way and I knew he wanted me to see it. Someone had already been there. It was covered with these thick sheets of plastic and the parking lot was empty. To anyone else, it would have been nothing, but we knew."

"It's kind of messed up you had to see that right after your accident."

"I dunno. It really messed me up, but I think he had a point. I didn't remember driving at all and, aside from some bruises, it was the only proof I had of what I'd done." He brought his arm to my shoulder and squeezed. "August 9th," I whispered. "That's when it happened. I'd gotten home after a date with Derek and it was like… I had this post-happiness slump where I felt… nothing. I was just empty. I couldn't make myself feel anything. Not happy, sad, loved, guilty. I couldn't make myself care about anything, and I needed to fill that space."

"So you drank?" He guessed.

"Yeah. It's the same thing I'd been doing since I discovered beer in the sixth grade. The problem was, the more I drank, the more my tolerance built up, and then the more I needed to drink to escape that feeling." I shuddered. "It started off the same. The empty feeling eventually turned to how much I hated… everything about my life, but alcohol chased that away. I know this makes no sense, but being drunk was the only time I felt in control of my life. It was the only time things made sense to me. So, I did it as often as I could and drank as much as I could."

"Where… where did you get everything you drank?"

"Honestly? I took some of it from my parent's liquor cabinet. You've never seen it because a week after my accident, they moved it to the basement and now it has a thumbprint lock on it."

"Wouldn't they have noticed?"

"If I'd taken everything I drank from them, absolutely. My allowance went towards it as well. After the accident, my parents… kind of cut me off but not really. I think my dad's exact words were that I was going to be financially independent. It's why I work at Brasstown. Part of my paycheck still goes to paying them back for everything."

"What do you mean?"

"Driving through a Wendy's is expensive," I whispered. "Their insurance covered some of it but not everything. Then there was the fine for driving drunk, the fine for destruction of property, the cost of my lawyer, my dad's new car, and all of the alcohol they realized I'd been taking from them. Then there was a few months of therapy and the drug and alcohol class I had to take. My parents paid for it all. If they hadn't…" I couldn't bring myself to say it. I covered my face with my hands as shame rolled over me in waves. I knew how lucky I was to have been in a situation where my parents could afford to pay for everything. If they hadn't, I would've ended up in juvie. It would have only been for two months, but it still made me feel sick. Telling that to Victor, someone who wouldn't have been able to pay the fines if he'd done the same thing I'd done, made it feel particularly horrible. Not that Victor ever would have done what I did.

"If they hadn't?" he pressed.

I opened my mouth and closed it. Victor's hand found mine and I was startled to realize how cold he was. His hand was freezing. I grasped his hand in both of mine and tried to warm it up before I glanced at him. At some point, he'd pulled up the hood of his jacket. I hadn't noticed and he hadn't complained about sitting outside in the freezing cold. It was such a tiny thing but felt particularly significant. It was another thing he was doing for me. "Jail time. Because of my age, that would've meant juvie," I whispered. I couldn't look at him. He brought his other hand up to where I was holding his. I resisted the urge to flinch. It was like an ice pack. "Jesus. Do you have gloves or something?"

"I'm not worried about it," he said dismissively. He didn't try to say anything else; he just waited for me.

"It wasn't my first offense, you know. I mean, it was the first time that I officially got caught, but I'd once asked an off-duty officer to buy me alcohol. There was a discount liquor store near the Publix where I could almost always find someone willing to buy me a few handles of vodka. I didn't know the guy I asked was a police officer and when he pulled out his badge, I fed him this completely made-up story about how my dad was drunk and couldn't come get it himself, so I needed to get it for him. He believed me, or he didn't want to deal with everything he'd have to do if I was lying, so he told me to head home and he gave me a card with the number for the police department if my dad got 'out of hand'."

To my surprise, Victor didn't seem the slightest bit fazed about my run-in with the law. He was apparently too preoccupied with another detail I'd just dropped. "A few handles? How much did you drink?"

"A lot. Too much. But… I thought I was getting away with it. No one was talking to me about my drinking; no one seemed to care at all. I was hungover or still drunk almost every day at school, and no one seemed to notice. I was always drunk when I was around my friends, and they never said anything."

"That sounds kind of lonely," he observed.

"I guess. I didn't really think about that. I always figured it meant I wasn't acting drunk which meant it wasn't a problem. I probably was but because I started drinking in middle school, I think everyone just assumed that's how I was. For years, I told myself if I wanted to stop, I could."

"But you couldn't?"

I shook my head. "After my accident… it was a really dark time. I was so dependent on the stuff for so long. When I went off of it, my lows were really low. It was like I was constantly in a downward spiral and I knew exactly how to make the spiral end, but I knew I wasn't supposed to do it anymore. There were a lot of days where I couldn't… stay away." I clasped my hands in front of me. "It was worse because at least before, no one knew. After my accident, Derek and my parents and Lucy all knew, and they made everything so much harder."

He frowned. "What did they do?" he asked.

"They fought with me. A lot."

"About what?"

"Different things." I wrapped my arms around my knees. "My parents fought with me because they didn't know where I was still getting the alcohol from and because they'd gone to bed one night thinking I was fast asleep and had woken up to a police officer knocking on the door to tell them I was in the hospital and she didn't know if I was okay, just that I'd been taken away in an ambulance. Lucy fought with me because she wanted me to be safe and she was scared that I'd do something like drive drunk again. Derek fought with me because he didn't understand why I couldn't just stop and because I was drunk the first four months we were together and he didn't know. He blamed me for that and held it over my head the entire time we were together, kept saying if I wanted to be with him, I'd choose him over the alcohol. To this day, I still think he thinks he's the reason I eventually stopped. I never could tell him the truth."

"What is the truth?"

"My mom's best friend was killed by a drunk driver three months after my accident, almost to the day. She and my mom met when they were rooming together in college and she used to come over all the time with her husband and kids. I was literally about to drink when my mom came into my room to tell me. I hid the handle of vodka under my pillow but… I don't know. It got through to me. I think I realized when my mom was crying on my bed that… something like that could have been my fault. It could have been someone else's mom crying about someone I killed when I drove drunk. It stopped seeming like luck that I hadn't hurt anyone, and part of me felt like it was my fault it had happened."

"How?" Victor asked.

"Like, maybe if I had really committed to AA like I told my parents I would instead of pretending I had and secretly drinking in my bedroom, she wouldn't have died. It felt like it had happened because I needed proof that drinking was a problem, and I needed to see what could happen if I didn't get help."

I waited for Victor to tell me I was crazy, but he didn't. He kissed the side of my head. "It wasn't your fault. Something really shitty happened, and I think it's great in a really tragic way that it was your wake-up call, but it wasn't your fault."

"How do you know?" I asked quietly. I turned my head so I could see him as he pondered my question.

He frowned for a second. "When I was in the sixth grade, one of my friends called his dad to pick him up early from a church retreat. He said he wasn't feeling well, but we all knew he just didn't want to be there. His dad agreed and was in a really bad accident on the way. He didn't make it. Jake blamed himself for a really long time. Then, one day, he forgave himself. He said that he couldn't keep blaming himself for something that had been out of his control. He hadn't been in the car that blew through the red light just like you weren't driving the car that hit her. You made a mistake; you get to work through that, but you can't blame yourself for someone else's mistake."

"I know, but… four little kids lost their mom and my mom lost her best friend because someone made the same exact mistake I did. I just can't help but think…"

"What? That the person that hit her, a person you probably didn't know, wouldn't have driven drunk if you stopped drinking?" he challenged.

"No," I said softly. "That it could have been me. That the only thing that separates me from someone that's currently in prison… is luck. That I could have killed someone." My voice caught in my throat, and I looked away from him so he wouldn't see that I'd started to cry. "I could have killed someone."

I waited for him to say something, but he was silent until he pulled me into a hug. "It's okay. It's okay."

"No, it's not," I told him. I wrapped my arms around him because I felt like that was the only way I could hold myself together.

"You didn't hurt anyone and, yeah, it was probably luck, but you didn't hurt anyone."

"But I could've. Do you understand that? That I could have killed someone." I needed him to understand; I needed him to really see how horrible what I'd done was. I knew it would fill him with the same disgust and nausea that filled me, but he needed to know.

"I understand that you didn't. You didn't kill someone, Benji." He pulled back just a little from the hug and put his hands on either side of my face, so I had no choice but to look at him. "You didn't. Do you know what else I understand? That you easily could have spiraled after that. You could have fallen into that pattern you talked about before. Instead, you took something horrible and used it to remind yourself why you needed to do better. It may have taken you a little time but that's okay. Something like this? It gets to take time. It gets to take as long as it takes because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get the help you need; it matters that you got it, and I am so proud of you for getting that help." Victor chewed on his lip. "When I talked to Hank, he told me that the hardest part of recovery isn't admitting to yourself that you have a problem. It's admitting to all of the people you love that you have a problem. He said it's almost impossible to admit to people that look up to you and respect you that you've fallen so far because you never know if it will change how they feel about you. In case you were worried about it, I love you every bit as much as I did before we got here. I might love you a little bit more because I know you a little bit more now. This doesn't change anything."

I hadn't realized how healing it would be to tell someone outside of the people I know through AA. When I went to those meetings, I was surrounded by people that had no room to be judgmental of my process… for the most part. I definitely got some crap for my age but, mostly, AA was my safe space where I could work through my problems with some really amazing and supportive people. Some of the people that had been in AA for years talked about their road to forgiveness and how they learned to accept what they'd done before they started going to AA. I got so much out of AA, but I never thought I'd find it in me to accept what I'd done.

This was healing in a different kind of way. Victor had every reason to make me feel like shit for what I had done and, instead, he'd said exactly what I needed to hear - that he still loved me and that it didn't change anything. I'd been holding onto the belief that he couldn't possibly accept what I'd done because I hadn't been able to. My parents certainly hadn't been able to let go of it. They were proud of me, I knew that, but they still didn't trust me and I didn't think they'd forgiven me for what I put them through. I hadn't realized how much I needed this. To hear someone say 'it's okay'.

"Have you talked about that at AA?" he asked quietly.

"Once or twice," I told him. "It's kind of different for me than for some of the other people that go to AA with me."

"Why?"

"It's so humiliating to be eighteen and sober. I was sixteen when I started AA, and I meet with people that took decades to get to the point that I got to in a few years. There are people that have been sober longer than I've been alive. I get so much out of going to AA, but I feel like it's hard to be completely open about why I drank when it seems so… immature compared to them. How am I supposed to sit there and say that I started to drink because I didn't want to be gay when they have real problems? It's easier to talk about everything after I started drinking. No matter how we got started, we all know what that's like."

He ducked his head. "Hank told me why he started drinking," he said quietly. "Are there a lot of people like that?"

I thought about it. Hank had lost his fiance and newborn in a fire fifteen years ago. He was the only survivor because he'd been working nights and hadn't been home. His fiance had been ragging him about replacing the smoke detectors for months; he felt like it was all his fault and he'd spiraled. 'What are the odds?' He'd asked himself. The odds weren't worth it; he just hadn't known that at the time. "His was extreme," I admitted. "But there are so many people that have lost a kid or their husband or wife or a sibling. There are people that drink to forget sexual assault or something really traumatic. Compared to them, I had no reason-"

"Stop. You had your reasons. They're different and… age-appropriate but that doesn't make them any less valid."

"But when I think about Hank-" I started.

"I think he, more than anyone, would hate that you're comparing yourself to him. You get to feel bad about what happened, but I wish you'd see what I see." He frowned. "I don't think it matters that you were sixteen when you started AA. Help is help, and I'm so proud of you."

He rested his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around me. After a moment, I leaned my head against his. We sat there on the curb across from the Wendy's with Victor holding me tightly for several minutes as, for the first time since my accident, I began to feel at peace with my mistake. I knew it would be a while before I was fully there, but it was a much needed start.