Open Your Eyes

by someofthissomeofthat310

My take on what could happen if there's a season 3. *Summary inside because I don't want to take the chance of spoiling the second season for someone that hasn't seen it yet*

10. Part of My Dream

~ Chapter 10: Part of My Dream ~

Victor's POV

"Victor, sweetie. A word," Coach Ford called.

"One second," I called before I turned to Benji to hide my grimace. What could he possibly want? I was really, really hoping this wasn't some follow-up about what had happened in the locker room because, honestly, I'd learned my lesson and it had been two months ago at this point.

"I'll see you when you get to lunch," Benji said. He kissed me quickly before he headed in the direction of the courtyard.

I reluctantly walked towards Coach Ford's office. I'd been called in here twice this year and it had never been for a good reason.

"If this is about that video, it's been a long time. We really don't need to talk about it," I said before Coach Ford could even open his mouth. I was really hoping to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

"It's not about the video. Have you thought about playing basketball in college?"

"Not really." I shifted uncomfortably. "I figured I'd end up at community college." I knew it would be the most affordable option for me and that, eventually, I'd save up and relocate.

"Maybe you can think bigger than that. The University of Georgia hosts a… summer camp of sorts for high school basketball players across the country. It's a six-week program where students have the chance to live on campus and play with the best of the best. It's expensive, about $4500 for the summer, but the students that attend are seen by the best D1 colleges in the country."

My heart started to pound in my chest. Coach Ford was definitely aware that I wasn't made of money, so I couldn't fathom why he was suggesting this. I'd need to save up years to afford something like that. "Why are you telling me about this?"

"They award scholarships to thirty kids each summer. Every year, I nominate two students from the team to receive scholarships to the program. In 2011, one of my boys got to go and he was offered a full ride to the University of Kentucky before the camp was over. That was the last time a Creekwood student was selected. Until right now."

It took a full minute for his words to sink in. "Why me? We lost almost every game, and I sucked this season," I protested. That was an understatement.

"Winning isn't everything, and it's usually when you're outmatched that your skill shines," he said. That sounded like a load of bullshit. When I raised my eyebrows at him, he sighed. "In my letter of recommendation, I mentioned some of the… hardships you've experienced recently."

"So, they picked me because I'm gay?" I asked incredulously.

"They selected you, that's all that matters."

"With all due respect, I don't think that's all that matters. Not when I didn't really earn this spot."

Coach Ford stood up and I didn't think I'd ever seen him mad before. "I would not have nominated you if I didn't think you deserved to go. You stuck around when this team gave you every reason to leave. That says a lot more about who you are than your performance on the court this past season. You are the best player that has ever played for this school. I may have given you an edge, but hear me, Victor. You deserve this; you've earned your spot."

I stared at him. "Okay."

He sat back down. "Everything is paid for. You would just need to arrange transportation. The program starts July 6th."

"That's so late," I said surprised.

He shrugged. "Some states don't get out of school until the end of June." That sounded horrible. "So, they work around that. You wouldn't get back until a few days before the school year started, but it might be worth it if you think you might want to play ball in college. It could open doors for you."

He handed me a thick, bright red folder with the University of Georgia emblem on the front. His voice kind of faded to the background as I leafed through the papers in the folder. I knew he was describing the program and something about basketball, but I couldn't pretend to listen.

I didn't know how long he talked for, but I waited for him to stop before I nodded. "I'll think about it."

"Don't think too long. They need to know by June 1st."

"Thanks."

I walked to the courtyard in a daze. Some people were already stacking their trays on a cart near the door, so there couldn't be much time left of lunch.

"Where's Lake?" I asked as I sat down. I was still holding the thick folder in my hand, and I had the weirdest feeling of disorientation as if someone else had been selected for this prestigious program. I couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't really deserve this, but Coach Ford's words echoed in my head. You stuck around when the team gave you every reason to leave. That says a lot more about who you are than your performance on the court.

"I haven't talked to her since Friday," Lucy said. She was trying very hard to look normal because Pilar and Felix didn't know they'd ever been together.

"She didn't answer my text yesterday," Benji said. He shot me a pointed look and I didn't need to ask to know that she hadn't answered Lucy either.

"She wasn't in class with me this morning. Two days in a row. Did she get sick this weekend?" Felix asked.

"Probably," Benji deflected. He was pulling off curious indifference better than Lucy. "I didn't really get to see her. There was so much going on this weekend and everything's still been a haze."

"I feel like I missed all the fun this weekend," Felix complained. "Any word on your tour?"

Benji looked down at the table, and a genuine smile crossed his face. I knew he still couldn't believe his parents had agreed to let him go. "It's gonna be amazing. Thanks to someone." He nudged me. "My parents are cool with it. He still won't tell me what he said." Benji had asked his parents yesterday and they'd said no before he'd even gotten the words out. I'd offered to ask them with him and, after a brief argument about how I wasn't a buffer and I was happy to do this as his boyfriend, I'd gone to his house for dinner once I got off of work.

I shrugged because it really wasn't that big of a deal. I'd just told them that Benji deserved our trust and, while I hated the idea of him leaving, I knew he needed to go. Otherwise, he'd always wonder if he could have made it and if he even wanted to make it. I thought this would be good for him even if I felt sick at the thought of how much my summer was gonna suck without him. Benji had half-heartedly asked me to go with him, but we both knew I couldn't. Especially now, I couldn't.

"I'm gonna be late to work," I whispered to Benji when the bell rang to end lunch. "I gotta check in on Lake."

Benji nodded. "I figured. Good luck."

- . - . - . - . -

Adrian's POV

Jeffrey sat down across from me during lunch, and I just kind of waited for what he wanted. We'd been sitting at opposite ends of the table since our fight and, at this point, I'd just expected him to ignore me until the school year was over. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" I repeated. "What are you sorry for? I should be apologizing. I really didn't think it would be a big deal to tell Victor or I never would have."

Jeffrey shook his head. "That's not really why I got mad," he admitted. "I wasn't mad at all."

"Could've fooled me." I bit my lip. "Sorry. That was rude."

Jeffrey snickered. "I probably deserved that. I really wasn't mad. I was scared. You have to understand… things were so, so bad at my old school."

"I know you said you were bullied," I started.

He shook his head. "It was so much more than that." He glanced around. "I can't talk about this in here. Do you think we could go to the hallway again?" He looked uncertain like I might say no.

"Yeah. Of course." We went to different cafeteria monitors and met in the same place we had last time. "What's going on?" I asked as I sat down next to him. "If you weren't mad, why'd you freak out?"

"Nothing good came from me telling people. Once I told someone, everything spiraled, but I still wanted to tell you so badly. I've been trying to figure out whether I should tell you since September. I can't even tell you how much my parents and I have talked about this and, when you told me that your brother knew, I just kept waiting for some of the stuff that happened at my old school to start happening here."

"What happened?" I asked uncertainly.

"The school I went to had kindergarten through 6th grade, so there were a lot of older kids that picked on me. They made me eat food out of the trash or lick the floor. And don't get me started on the bathroom situation. My parents worked it out with the school here, so I use the bathroom in the nurse's office but, there, I had to use the girl's room." I had to look away because I honestly hadn't given any thought to that. "One time, they pushed me out of the bathroom and held the door until I…" he trailed off. A few tears slipped from his eyes. I watched him horrified. Even at its worst, when I'd been bullied, I hadn't had to deal with anything like that. Mostly, my classmates called me names until my mom had me put in a different class. When he'd said he'd been bullied, I expected more of what I went through and less of… what he actually went through. It made me feel sick to know someone thought it was okay to do this to him. "The teacher on bathroom duty swore she didn't know what was happening, but she did. She pretended not to hear me."

"The teacher?" I asked incredulously. Even when things had gotten rough for me in Texas, my teachers had always been on my side. I couldn't imagine them being part of the problem.

He nodded. "They couldn't legally let what happened happen, but it was impossible to prove that they knew about the bullying. My actual teacher wasn't bad. She called me Jeffrey and shut down anything my classmates said, but some of my other teachers? I know they knew what was happening; they just didn't care. My gym teacher always put me on the girl's team whenever we split up and always called me Becca even though I know all my teachers were told to call me Jeffrey."

"Becca?" I asked uncertainly.

Jeffrey traced circles into his knee. "It was my name," he admitted. Something danced in the back of my head, but it was like trying to remember something that happened in a dream. I couldn't bring together the thought I was trying to connect.

"I didn't know that."

"Yeah. I don't like to say it. It seems that once people know about that name, they can't help but call me that." His voice was bitter. "I went through four doctors after we moved here because they kept calling me Rebecca even though my mom asked them to call me Jeffrey. I had one doctor that kept calling me little lady." He made a face.

"That's really messed up. Do our teachers here know?"

"Some of them. Not all of them. After everything… my parents wanted to keep it need to know. Ms. Gallagher knows and Mrs. Taylor knows, but I don't think anyone else does. Oh, the principal knows because they changed my preferred name here so my teachers wouldn't see the name I was born with. My parents are still in a legal battle with my old school and they didn't want to take any chances."

"It's because they weren't treating you like a boy, right?"

"Not exactly. A little over two years ago, I ended up in the hospital because someone pinched my nose closed and made me drink the dirty water from a mop bucket; there was some kind of chemical in it. I don't think they knew; I have to believe they wouldn't have done it if they did." He looked a little pale and distant. "My brother thinks it was intentional, but I dunno. It was so much worse than anything else they'd ever done. I didn't even know at first either." Oh my God. I was really going to throw up. Who thought it was okay to do something like that? "I got really lucky that a janitor happened to come by. He called the nurse and she called 911. I never went back there. My mom homeschooled me until we moved."

"I… I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I just need you to know that's why I freaked out." He stretched out his legs and leaned back against the wall. His eyes fluttered closed. "I can't take something like that happening again, and I couldn't believe that it wouldn't, but your brother's really nice. He's really okay with me being… who I am."

"Yeah," I agreed. It didn't surprise me; my mom and dad always said that Victor cared about people more than anyone else they knew. I knew he would be fine with Jeffrey; it was the only reason I talked to him. I looked up. "Wait, how do you know that?"

"He talked to my mom and offered to have me over one day once the school year got out. My mom said it was up to me, and I think… I think I'd like that."

I had no idea that Victor even knew Jeffrey's mom. "I'm glad," I said quietly. I'd asked him a ton before I knew, but he always made an excuse. I perked up. "You'll get to meet Heather!"

Jeffrey grinned. "Can't wait."

- . - . - . - . -

Lake's POV

Victor just walked into my bedroom. I didn't know what was more surprising. That he just showed up or that my mom shut the door behind him. "Oh my God, that was a disaster. I've never tried to act gay before. Please never put me in a position where I have to do that again. I feel like I've insulted effeminate gay men everywhere."

I had no idea what he was talking about. "I don't think it's called acting gay if you are gay," I pointed out.

"Certainly felt like an act, but she was definitely about to tell me to leave."

"What are you doing here?"

"It's good to see you too."

"Sorry. I'm not really up for people right now."

"I'm not people; I'm your friend, so if you could tone down the angst, that would be great."

I rolled my eyes at him. "What do you want?"

"I wanted to check on you. I told your mom I wanted to drop off your schoolwork, and when she asked to see it, I told her I was worried and I wanted to make sure you're okay because you're my…" He licked his lips and grimaced. "Gal pal."

I sat up. "You called me your gal pal?" I asked incredulously. I didn't know whether I should laugh or feel indignant; I'd never expected to hear that from Victor's mouth.

"Yeah, not one of my prouder moments," he admitted. "But she let me in, so it's worth it." He sat down on the edge of my bed. "I told her the truth. I am worried about you. Lucy said something happened, but she wouldn't tell us what it was."

"We broke up," I said quietly. I laid back down on my bed.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I wasn't ready to tell my parents. I'm still not. I can't tell them I have a girlfriend… especially now that I don't have a girlfriend." Victor moved so he was lying by my side. He didn't say anything. He just laid there which somehow gave me the strength to say what I needed to say. "Lucy's ready for the whole world to know, and I hate that she's ready. I feel like that makes me sound like the most selfish person in the world, but all I want is to be with her without anyone knowing."

"Do you love her?"

I turned to face Victor. "Excuse me?"

"Do you love her?" he repeated.

"Why are you asking me that?"

He sighed. "I love Benji. Almost more than anything," he said. "And sometimes that means doing stuff that I don't really want to do because I know it's what he deserves. He does the same thing. Coming out at school, talking about our stuff, pretending that I'm not terrified for him to go away for six weeks this summer to play music with his band-"

"What?" I asked. "Did you say six weeks?"

"Yeah. It's a long story, but it's what he needs to do, and he needs me to be his supportive boyfriend," he told me. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I never thought I'd be able to come out to my family and be with Benji until he believed me when I said I could do it. Benji saying the words, 'I believe you'..." Victor shook his head. "He put all of his faith in me, and I started to think I could do it. Because when someone as good as Benji believes you, there's a reason for it."

"How did you do it?" I asked.

He'd never talked about it to me, and I'd never thought to ask. Aside from telling me he was out, I essentially knew nothing about how it had happened. I only knew how much his mom had struggled with it afterward.

"Not easily," he admitted. "Telling my family that I'm gay is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do." He closed his eyes. "Everything was such a disaster. Pilar was pissed at me because she read a note I wrote to Benji, I'd cheated on Mia twice and she found out, my parents were separating. My whole world was falling apart and nothing made sense to me… except for Benji. He was holding me together. When I first got home, I could only think about doing it for him. Because he shouldn't be my secret and he was already so… out. When it was for him, I couldn't do it. I was going to walk away but then I realized, it wasn't for him; it was for me and for us but mostly for me. I wanted to be with him as myself and that's a big part of the reason I came out but, more than that, I didn't want to have to hide anymore. Only you know if you're tired of pretending to be something you're not. If Lucy makes you want to be yourself and if it might be worth the mess it will create, then you really need to think about whether you want to be out. For me, it was worth it. At the time, everything fell apart, but it brought Benji into my life and it brought you into my life. I'm not gonna lie, Lake, I didn't see this coming." He motioned between us.

I quickly wiped away my tears as I chuckled. "Me neither," I agreed. "And now look at us. I'm your gal pal."

He groaned. "My point is, if you're ready to be yourself, don't let other people get in the way of that."

"I wish I was as brave as you."

"That's bullshit. You're one of the bravest people I know."

I rolled my eyes. "Right." I was just about the biggest coward I knew.

"I'm serious. You were brave enough to work through all your self-consciousness to be with Felix. You were brave enough to put everything on the line for his mom. You were brave enough to consider that you might like Lucy after almost seventeen years of assuming you were straight. You're brave enough to do this if that's what you want. I want you to be happy. Whether that's with Lucy or by yourself." He laid there for a few minutes and let me process his words.

"What if Lucy and I don't work out, and I end up back with a guy? I could cause all of these waves for nothing." It was probably the worst thing I'd ever admitted out loud, but I couldn't shake the thought. "It was different for you. You don't like girls, but I do. And guys. If I can be happy and find love with a guy… isn't that what I should do?" I needed to ask the question because I'd loved Felix an absurd amount. I'd loved him every bit as much as I lo- liked Lucy. If he hadn't broken up with me, I'd probably still be with him, and I would've been happy with him.

"I don't think love works like that," he said quietly. "Maybe you'll fall in love with another guy one day. Or maybe it'll be another girl. Or maybe Lucy is your person."

"What are the odds that it will work out like that?"

"What if it did?" he challenged. "If you knew you were going to be with Lucy for the rest of your life, would it be worth it?"

"Of course."

"Then I think it's worth it. You'll never know what future you might have with her if you go into it thinking it won't work out. You shouldn't have to hide the people that make you happy."

"I just don't think I'm ready for my whole life to change," I said quietly.

Victor sighed. "I get that." He laid back against my bed for a couple of seconds. "I really hate to do this, but I have to get to work. Benji's covering for me right now, but I'm already late. If you want to talk, call me." Before he moved, his phone started to ring. "Hello?" His face lit up. "Meet me at Brasstown. I'll be there with Lake… yeah, can't wait." He hung up his phone before he turned to me. "Put your shoes on. You're coming with me."

"Am I?"

"Trust me," he urged. "You want to come with me. I may not be able to get through to you, but I think I know someone who can." He hesitated. "Maybe brush your teeth too. I can wait."

I hesitated a moment before I listened to him and found my shoes. I brushed my teeth and did my best with the tangled mess my hair had turned into after so many days of sulking in bed.

We walked to Brasstown from my house and, I had to admit that by the time we walked in the door, I felt a little better.

- . - . - . - . -

Benji's POV

Victor got to work nearly an hour late and seemed to be in a really, really good mood. He was literally bouncing on his feet. Lake was the complete opposite. She was leaning against the counter and looked so sad and dejected.

"I need to talk to you," Victor whispered. "Not right now because something's about to happen but soon."

I nodded. "Okay. What's about to happen?"

He grinned. "It's a surprise," he said mysteriously. "I'm gonna grab my apron. Make sure she doesn't make a run for it."

Victor disappeared into the back and I moved so I was across from Lake. "How's it going?" I asked.

"Peachy," she said sarcastically.

"Did Victor bite you or something? Why are you mad?"

"Sorry. Victor told me I was being bitchy. I'm just grumpy." she told me. I raised my eyebrows at her because I didn't think the word 'bitch' had ever left Victor's mouth except for when he was recounting how many people had called him that after he'd come out. "He told me that I could 'tone down' the angst."

I snickered and quickly coughed to hide it. "Seriously, though. How are you?"

She shrugged. "How… how is Lucy?"

"She's sad," I told her. I didn't think it would do any good to lie to her. "She won't talk about what went wrong; she just keeps saying that maybe she made a mistake."

"She didn't," Lake said seriously. "She's ready for everyone to know and that's great; that's amazing. I want that for her because she's awesome, and she deserves to be herself."

"But you're still not ready," I guessed. "Why don't you tell Lucy that? I'm sure she'll understand."

"No, she won't. And she shouldn't have to. It worked out for you, which is… great. But not everyone is that lucky," she grumbled.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I mean that this sucks. I want to choose Lucy because she is everything. She is smart and funny and not afraid to tell me when I'm overreacting about something. But at the end of the day, I'm still me. I'm still too scared to tell my parents the truth about me. I don't know how Victor did it. I don't know how he chose you over everything."

I stared at her. "I don't think he did," I said slowly. "I think he chose himself and who he wanted to be."

She sighed. "He said the same thing, but… Benji, you can't really be that blind."

I really wished Victor would come back out because I felt weirdly attacked by her words. "I don't… what are you trying to say?".

"Do you think he would've come out if it wasn't for you?"

"Yes," I said seriously. There was no doubt in my mind. It might not have been that night, but he would've come out. He was ready. I actually thought Simon and New York had far more to do with him coming out than I did.

She shook her head. "No, he wouldn't have. Because he didn't know he could do it until you believed he could do it."

"That's not true," I said dismissively.

"That's what he told me," she retorted.

"He… he said that?"

"Yeah." She looked down at the counter. "Look, I'm really happy you got your magical fairy tale with Victor and that this all worked out for you, but I'm not Victor and maybe it means something that I'm having trouble choosing Lucy."

I rubbed my eyes before I dragged my hands down to my chin. "We're not a fairy tale. I'm getting really sick of everyone telling us we are. Things didn't just happen for us; we worked for our relationship," I told her. She looked startled by my outburst. I probably would have lowered my voice, but it was kind of like that was the straw that broke my back. I'd been silent when so many people minimized how hard we worked for our relationship (and how happy we were to put in that work), but it felt different coming from Lake. It just got to be too much and once I started talking, I couldn't stop. "Being with someone is work. I'm sorry if you walked into your relationship thinking everything was just going to fall into place, but don't ignore what Victor and I have done. We have fought and worked out a ton of shit to get where we are, and we're constantly working to be better for ourselves and for each other. That's our fairy tale. That we found someone worth the fighting and the struggle and the compromising and the sacrifice." When Lake turned away from me and I saw the hunch of her shoulders, I started to feel guilty. She really didn't need to hear this. "Sorry. I didn't mean that."

"No, it's okay," she said. "You just said what you were thinking."

"Hey, babe. Where's my apron?" Victor asked.

"In your locker," I guessed.

"No, it's not there. I looked around, but I can't find- what happened here?" he asked.

I stood up. I hadn't realized how tense our conversation had gotten or how I'd been leaning over the counter until I forced myself to relax. "Nothing," I said in a cheery voice. "Wait out here. I'll find you an apron. Sarah keeps spares locked in her desk."

I escaped to the back and took several deep breaths. Victor gave me about two minutes before he came into the back as well. "Sorry," I said before he had a chance to get mad.

"Don't be. You just told her the truth. I wish you'd waited until she wasn't going through a breakup, but I find it annoying too."

"You do?" I asked uncertainly.

"Yeah. Really, really annoying," he confirmed. He kissed the side of my cheek. "Why do you think Felix doesn't make comments about our relationship anymore?"

I honestly hadn't noticed until he pointed it out. Felix used to say stuff all the time about how we were made for each other or how perfect our relationship was, but I couldn't recall a single time he'd said it in at least a few months. "Huh. So, I'm not in trouble?"

He chuckled. "No. But you might be if you don't find me an apron. How can you hold down the fort without me?"

I resisted the urge to tell him I held down the fort by myself for months before I hired him.

"Maybe you left it out and Sarah took it to wash or something," I told him. I grabbed the keys from my bag before I opened up the desk. I didn't know why Sarah felt the need to lock these up. I didn't think Brasstown aprons were on anyone's list for theft. "It's gonna smell like leather and plastic, but at least you won't be violating any health codes."

I tossed it to him before I locked up the desk and threw my keys back in my bag.

"Thanks." He fumbled with the stiff strings of the new apron, so I quickly helped him tie the knot.

When we got out front, he immediately began making coffee even though we didn't have a customer in sight. I wasn't surprised by the coffee he passed to Lake, but I was surprised when he made two more and rested them on the edge of the counter.

I got my answer two minutes later when the door opened.

- . - . - . - . -

Mia's POV

Benji saw us first and the smile that crossed his face was enough to make anyone swoon. He nudged Lake and pointed towards us. Lake turned slowly. She clearly hadn't been expecting us.

I saw her lips form my name even if she was too far away to be heard. She ran to me. I lost track of where Andrew went because, God, I'd missed Lake. So much. As Lake broke down in my arms, I realized that only part of her was crying for me.

I pulled back. "What's going on?"

She shook her head. "You're back. Are you back for good?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yeah. It turns out… my mom is in Atlanta. We're going to stop by and see her sometime this week, but I wanted to see you all first. You didn't answer when I called."

"Sorry. I don't even know where my phone is."

I brought my hand to her forehead. "You don't know where your phone is? Are you feeling okay?" Her phone was usually glued to her hand.

"Sort of. It's somewhere on my bed. It's on silent, and I didn't try to find it. I don't even know if it's still alive." She said it like it wasn't a revolutionary thing for her.

"Okay, okay. Enough hogging her. We're all excited to see her," Victor said as he walked towards me. He handed me a coffee before he gave me a quick hug. "Welcome back!"

"You are my hero," I told him as I took a sip. I closed my eyes. We originally weren't going to come back until tomorrow, but we'd kept driving and ended up swapping off last night. It was like once we were close, we couldn't bear the thought of another night away from here. I couldn't wait to meet Kyle. I hadn't called my dad yet; I was just going to show up and hope for the best. I didn't know if everything would just go back to normal. Was there even a normal after I'd spent six months away from home? For all I knew, the house might be mostly boxed up. They were moving in… what? A week? A few weeks? Who knew.

"Where's Lucy?" I asked as I looked around. Instantly, Lake withdrew. "Oh."

"How was California?" Victor asked.

"It was good," I said.

"Yeah. We met Mia's mom's boyfriend."

I grimaced. "Can we not call him that?"

"Why? He didn't try to hide it."

"He was just a creepy old guy. For all we know, he was crazy and hasn't talked to her in months." Despite my words, I knew it wasn't true. I just didn't want to think of my mom with a jerk like him.

"Was he that bad?" Benji asked.

"Yes," I said adamantly.

"But it wasn't all bad," Andrew said. "There's this woman, Ginger. She's like the sweetest old lady I've ever met."

"Was that the one I met?" Victor asked curiously. Ginger had looked over Andrew's shoulder while he'd been FaceTiming with Victor over his PreCalc homework one night while I'd been looking through one of my mom's sketchbooks. Ginger had fallen in love with Victor just like everyone that ever met him had.

"Yep."

"I liked her," he said simply. "She seemed really sweet."

"She is. And she's done so much. She spent thirty-something years traveling to different countries to put in wells or build schools or organize vaccines. Now, she takes people in. Her apartment is always full of people crashing for the night. She let my mom stay with her for a month."

"Have you thought about what you're going to say?" Victor asked. He was wiping down a table. I honestly hadn't considered that he'd be working when I called him; I probably should have realized. "When you see her?"

I shook my head. "No. I can't think that far ahead right now. I just want to spend the night with you guys then go… see my dad and meet my brother. And sleep in my bed…" I closed my eyes. I literally could not wait to be surrounded by my familiar bedspread. I didn't know if my bedroom still looked the same. For all I knew, it had become the baby storage space again.

Andrew and I stayed at Brasstown until they told us we needed to leave so they could close. We stayed away from talks of Lucy even though I was dying to ask.

"Hey, do you want to spend the night?" I asked Lake before we stepped outside.

She looked surprised. "Are you sure? You literally just got back."

I shrugged. "Yeah and I haven't seen you since March," I pointed out. Had it really just been March? It felt like years. "We need to catch up."

"If you're really okay with that," she said hesitantly.

"I am." I was also pretty sure that she would help mitigate whatever awkwardness might arise from me going home.

"Okay. I just need to get my school stuff and some clothes."

"I can swing by your house," Andrew offered. "I'll drop both of you off before I head home."

Victor pulled Andrew aside and they had a hushed conversation for a minute. Andrew was in a really good mood when he got in the car. "What was that about?" I asked.

"He needed my advice on something," Andrew told me. There was definitely more to the story, but he adequately distracted me with, "are you nervous to meet your brother?"

I was and by the time Andrew pulled up to my house to let us out, I was nearly in a panic. I thought about walking in, but something about that made me feel so weird. It was like this house stopped being mine while I was gone, so I rang the doorbell and waited.

Veronica was the one to answer the door. I barely spared her a second thought; I only had eyes for the little baby resting on her hip staring over at me. The pictures didn't do him justice. He was somehow so big and so tiny at the same time. I always thought he looked like Veronica, but I could see pieces of both of them now that he was in front of me. "Mia," Veronica breathed. "Harold. Harold!"

My dad came out into the foyer. He held a bottle in one hand and looked exhausted. "What's… wrong." His words faded when he saw me.

"Hi, Dad," I whispered.

- . - . - . - . -

Pilar's POV

I was doing homework when Victor got home. "Where are mom and dad?"

"In their bedroom," I told him.

I didn't pay much attention until I heard him say, "hey, could I talk to you two for a minute? It can't wait."

When he came back out, he looked really nervous about something and clutched his bag in front of him. I closed my textbook before I sat next to him in the kitchen. Whatever this was, I wanted to be a part of it.

Our mom and dad sat down across from us and I saw our mom cast him an anxious look. He didn't speak right away. He didn't speak at all, which was really weird. I'd seen him come out, and he inexplicably looked more nervous than he had then. Our parents exchanged looked before our mom said, "what's going on? Is this about Benji?"

"Benji?" Victor asked uncertainly. It was like he'd never heard the name before which was even more confusing.

Our mom sighed. "I can't say I'm surprised, but you have to know you can't go with him. You're only seventeen, and six weeks is too long to be going away with your boyfriend, no matter how serious you are." Victor stared at her with a dumbstruck look on his face. "Mando, back me up."

"Your mother's right. You have work. With your mom taking this full-time job, we'll need help with Adrian. I wish you could go with him, but we just can't swing it."

"Um… okay. I mean, yeah, no. Of course. You're right. I'd never be able to go away this summer. I have work, and I need to watch Adrian… I should have thought of that." He got a far-off look in his eyes. "Work and Adrian. I should've thought of that. He sounded as distant as he looked until he coughed to clear his throat. "I'm going to go to bed."

"Wait," our mom said. "I'm sorry. I know it's disappointing."

Victor nodded before he went to his bedroom. I stared after him. He was going to be unbearable this summer. "I can watch Adrian," I said. "Six weeks isn't that long."

"No, mija. It's sweet of you to say that, but we agree on this. Maybe he'll be able to visit Benji for a few days, but he can't go for six weeks. He has other responsibilities," our mom said. She closed her eyes and brought her hand to the bridge of her nose.

"I'm gonna go talk to him."

I climbed to my feet. Victor hadn't bothered to close his door and from my position, I could see Benji's face on his phone screen; he wasted no time. Benji was telling Victor about something his dad bought him for the tour and Victor was smiling big. "Can I thank you again for convincing them to let me go?" Benji asked.

Victor chuckled. "I really didn't do anything," he said.

Benji scoffed. "Sure. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that they said no, then I went to the bathroom and came back and suddenly they were on board."

"Exactly," Victor said. He had a smile on his face that made me think Benji was right; Victor had a lot to do with his parents saying yes.

"How'd your parents take your news?"

"It's a no-go. I have work, and I have to watch Adrian. They're right. I can't just drop everything for six weeks."

"They really said no?" Benji asked incredulously. I thought his surprise was extreme; it was a stretch to think our parents would be okay with them going away together. "Did you explain to them how amazing this opportunity is? Vic, this could be your whole future." What?

"I didn't have a chance to. They thought I was asking about going with you, but it doesn't change anything. My future is here. With my family. It wouldn't make a difference even if I did go. It was stupid to think I could leave."

"But you were so excited about it."

"Wait," I said, calling attention to my presence for the first time. "If you weren't asking about traveling with Benji, what were you talking about?"

Victor sat up so fast, I felt secondhand dizziness. "What are you doing here?"

"I was coming to check in on you because I thought you'd be moping about spending six weeks away from your boyfriend," I told him. I crossed my arms. "You got five seconds to tell me what's going on."

"It's really nothing," Victor told me. "Seriously."

"Mom!" I called. I positioned myself in Victor's doorway so he couldn't escape if he wanted to. I knew my mom would make Victor crack. I'd give him thirty seconds before he'd spill.

"Really?"

"I support this," Benji said.

"You know what? No one asked you, and I'll call you back later." Victor ended the call just as our mom got to the hallway.

"What's going on?"

"Victor wasn't going to ask you if he could go with Benji," I told her. I feel like I'm tattling on him and… I probably am. I used to do this all the time when we were little. Victor never really broke the rules, so on the rare occasion it happened, I'd been quick to trap him. I'd outgrown that, but I felt like this was a good reason to bring it back. Probably. Once I knew what was happening, I'd be able to confirm.

"Then what did you want?" our dad asked. I guessed he wanted to get in on the drama too.

Victor shifted so he was sitting cross-legged on his bed. I moved so our mom and dad could come inside instead of talking to him from the hallway. "I talked to Coach Ford today."

"You decided to quit the team," our dad guessed. He closed his eyes, but we could see his disappointment. We'd all known it was coming; how could anyone expect Victor to feel comfortable playing basketball after what had happened? It just sucked that it meant he had to give up something he really loved.

"Not exactly," Victor said slowly. He leaned over the side of his bed and pulled a folder out of his bag. He handed it to our dad who started to look through it. "Coach Ford told me about this program that the University of Georgia hosts for six weeks over the summer. It's for kids that… might want to play basketball in college." He sighed. "They select thirty kids across the country, and I was chosen."

"This is-"

"It's okay," he interrupted. "You need me here; like you said, I can't drop everything for six weeks."

Our dad pulled out a pamphlet from the back of the folder. "In our 2020 program, 93% of athletes were offered a full or partial scholarship to some of the most prestigious schools in the country," he read. "Five students received full scholarship offers during the program. Students will have the chance to train with players from the NBA, compete against students from different states, and play in front of scouts from competitive division 1 colleges and universities."

We all turned to stare at Victor who was suddenly very, very interested in a tiny hole in the knee of his jeans. "It's nothing," he muttered.

Our dad pulled out a very formal-looking letter and started to read through it. "This says it's all expenses paid."

"Uh, yeah. It would be."

"Give us the night to discuss this. We'll talk about it in the morning," our mom said quickly. She had a deer in headlights look. They disappeared into their bedroom, and I didn't even try to follow them.

"Why the hell wouldn't you tell us?" I asked incredulously.

"Because it doesn't change anything. They need me here."

I shook my head. "No. They really don't. I can watch Adrian. I was gonna work at the pretzel place in the mall again, but this is more important."

"It's not that big of a deal. I don't even know if I want to play basketball in college," he pointed out.

"Why not? You love basketball. You used to talk about playing for UCLA."

"I talked about UCLA when I was ten," he retorted.

"Why are you being so impossible about this?"

He pulled his knees to his chest and refused to answer me. I hated when he got like this; there was no getting through to him. I made a mental note to text Felix because Victor seemed to talk to him about stuff that he clearly didn't feel like he could talk to us about. His phone started to ring.

"I'm coming over," Benji told him the moment he answered.

"Why?"

"Do you not want me to?" Benji asked uncertainly. "Your mom texted my mom like thirty seconds ago and offered to have me spend the night. She said she wanted to talk to us in the morning."

"She did?" Victor glanced at me, and I shrugged. Yeah, I couldn't follow it either.

"Yeah. Are you cool with that?"

"Of course," Victor said. "Now we can finish our PreCalc study guide."

Benji groaned. "I wouldn't have agreed to this if I knew you were gonna make me do work."

"Our final is tomorrow," Victor pointed out.

"You got real boring real quick, so I'm gonna go."

My phone was still sitting on the coffee table, and I sent a quick text to Felix. Any chance you could sneak out for a minute?

His response was practically instantaneous. I can take out the trash. You have five minutes.

I grabbed my shoes and ran outside.

Felix was sitting on the steps when I got out there. "Hey," I whispered. A smile lit up his face when he saw me. There was little that made me feel more okay than Felix's smile.

He stood up and kissed me. We probably used up all of our five minutes like that, but I didn't care. I was so over him being grounded. He was essentially grounded the entire summer at this point because his mom was pissed, and she only got angrier when he refused to tell her why he'd cheated in the first place. I understood it, but I also knew that his grounding would probably be over if he told her the truth, and it was really hard not to think that when I never got to see him anymore. All I had to do was think about his breakdown on Thursday and everything he'd told me about his dad, and I stayed firmly silent.

"What's up?" he asked.

"I just wanted to see you." I gave him a quick hug before I stole another kiss. "Texting you is not the same."

"I agree." He sighed. "It's a good thing that summer is almost here because you'll be able to come over and we'll just have every day just to ourselves."

I looked away guiltily. "About that…"

"What? Did you change your mind because that's totally cool. I told you before; we don't need to do anything until you're ready."

"I didn't change my mind," I assured him. Was it frustrating that we were both ready to have sex, but we never had the opportunity to have more than a couple of minutes alone? Yeah. Really, really, really frustrating. It was even more frustrating to know that summer wasn't going to offer the opportunity we thought it was. "Victor is… going away this summer. I think. Our parents are still talking about it."

"What do you mean he's going away?" Felix asked.

"He got accepted into this fancy basketball program or whatever. Once he leaves, I'll be watching Adrian every day."

"That's cool. I love that little guy. We'll have so much fun with him this summer. He still naps, right? We'll get our alone time then."

I snickered. "No, he doesn't nap."

"Okay. That's fine too. Board games are probably just as fun as sex." I raised my eyebrows at him, mostly because I thought he was being completely honest about that. "And it'll just make it even more special when we finally get to do the deed."

I found myself laughing. "You'd really be cool with hanging with my little brother?"

"Of course." He said it like it was so obvious. "Hey, do you think he'll teach me how he does that magic trick where he makes a card appear in your pocket? I know it's not actual magic."

I leaned up and kissed him because I honestly didn't know what else to do. There were times that Felix did something that reminded me of how much I loved him and his genuine excitement at spending time with Adrian was one of them. Moments like these completely abated any fear I had about him. Things might get tough, but we'd manage. He'd be okay.

"Wow," he whispered when I pulled back. He put his hands on either side of my face and looked at me. It was something that always made me feel self-conscious but also really special because he always kind of looked like he was staring at something precious. He didn't need words for me to know in my soul that he loved me.

I kissed him again. "You should get back inside. I don't want you to get in more trouble."

Despite my words, we took our time. He walked me back to my apartment before he climbed the stairs to his.

- . - . - . - . -

Felix's POV

"Did you have a good time?"

I stayed facing the door as it closed because I needed a second to compose myself. It was kind of wild to me that I could go from being so deliriously happy with Pilar just thirty seconds ago to on edge and defensive. My suspension and subsequent 'streak with delinquency' (my mom's words) had driven a wedge between us that I wasn't sure we'd ever be able to work through. I would've felt guilty for that, but I honestly felt like I was doing the best I could with this. The truth would crush her. The lie hurt, but it was easier for her to put the blame on me than herself, and I could deal with that. "I took out the trash."

My mom sighed. "Once upon a time, you thought twice before lying to me."

I couldn't remember that time. As far as I was aware, I'd always done everything in my power to shield my mom from anything unpleasant, even if it meant hiding stuff from her or lying. Maybe not before I understood that she had bipolar depression but definitely after that.

"I did take out the trash. I ran into Pilar on my way back in, and I lost track of time." It wasn't technically a lie. I did run into Pilar, and I had lost track of time.

She sucked in her lip and nodded. I knew she didn't believe me and, in truth, she had every right to her doubt. A tear slipped from her eye. "What is going on with you?"

I looked down at the floor and tried to suppress the influx of my anger. "Nothing."

She shook her head. "No. It's something," she insisted. "Because this?" she motioned towards me. "This is not the sweet kid I raised."

I bit the inside of my lip. Inside my head, I was telling her exactly about the sweet kid she 'raised' and how he'd had to fend for himself for months at a time since he was ten. I was telling her about how I'd done what I needed to in order to keep a roof over our heads when she couldn't do that. I was telling her that I was the product of how I'd raised myself. I didn't say it out loud because I knew it wasn't her fault. She'd been sick but that didn't change what I'd been through. I wouldn't change it for the world because I loved my mom more than anything and it was with that thought in mind that my argument remained a passing tangent inside my head and nothing I would ever say out loud.

"I don't know what to do about you," she sighed. She suddenly looked exhausted. "I'm going to go to bed. Tomorrow's one of my early days."

I jumped on the chance to change the subject. "How's, uh, how's work been going?"

She hadn't brought it up since she'd first started. It had been nearly two months at this point. The most we'd talked about it was in passing when she let me know when she had to go in early so she could take an extended lunch break. "It's fine," she said. "It pays the bills."

That was the big thing. We still owed so much, but we were finally paying down everything. I sometimes had trouble wrapping my head around how much debt we'd accumulated in six months and how much interest that debt regularly accrued, but we were at least making minimum payments on everything now. Slowly but surely, we were returning to normal.

"Do you like it?" I asked. She shrugged which made me start to internally panic just a little. I wasn't sure if this was the beginning of her eventually giving up on this job; she'd seemed so enthusiastic about it when she'd first gotten it, and it was disconcerting to see the difference. "What don't you like about it?"

"It's tedious," she said after a minute. "It's a lot of transcribing interviews and typing up notes, but it'll do until I can find something else."

"You won't leave, right? Not until you find a new job," I confirmed. I was hopelessly failing at sounding like I wasn't probing, but I couldn't help it. Even now, I felt a chill run down my back at the thought of what we'd gone through, and I couldn't fend off the fear that history was about to repeat itself.

"It'll be a long time before I'm ready to look for a new job," she told me. "My boss is so flexible with my… doctor's appointments and with you. I'm gonna try to stick this one out until you graduate. It'll give both of us a chance to get back on our feet and stay there."

I nodded. "Okay. Good. I have to go study. My last final is tomorrow."

I went to my bedroom, but concentrating was futile. I tried. I tried really hard to because my Spanish midterm was tomorrow and it would be really embarrassing to have to tell Pilar that I failed.

Eventually, I gave up on trying to study because I couldn't make my brain focus.

- . - . - . - . -

Victor's POV

"Felix to Victor. Over."

I was startled awake and tried to make sense of my surroundings. I felt disoriented. Benji's eyes were half-closed as he looked around. "What was that?" he asked.

"Felix," I muttered sleepily.

"Yeah, I heard the Felix to Victor part," Benji said.

I fumbled around for the walkie-talkie but found my phone first. When I saw the time, I sat up straight. "Shit, we fell asleep."

"I figured."

"It's 2 am."

He groaned. "That means we should be asleep," he complained.

"We didn't finish our study guide," I told him. I climbed out of bed and found the walkie-talkie. When I sat back down on my bed, Benji nuzzled into me. "Sorry, I'm here."

Felix's response was instantaneous. "Do you think you could come outside? Over."

"Yeah. Just give me a second. I gotta grab my shoes. Benji, stop." I didn't know if it was intentional, but he was clinging to me like I was a pillow.

"I just want to sleep," Benji moaned.

"Am I interrupting a booty call? You don't have to come out." Felix's voice cracked a little bit.

"No, that's okay. We just fell asleep working on our PreCalc homework."

"Is that a euphemism?"

"No."

"Shame. I'm surprised you're not getting everything in now while you can."

That woke Benji up. He stared at my walkie-talkie before he grabbed it. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"Oh, hey there. I just figured that you're leaving in… what? Two weeks? Then Victor will be gone before you get back. You're gonna be apart the whole summer," Felix pointed out. He added, "over" as an afterthought.

It was the one thing that we hadn't talked about yet with this whole thing. Benji had essentially cleaned Brasstown by himself while I told him about the program. Felix said it like a sure thing, but I really wasn't sure if it would be feasible for me to go away for it. If I did, Felix was right. We'd be looking at almost the entire summer apart. We'd get four days once school got out and a week at the end of the summer with ten weeks apart in between.

"We'll figure it out. Get together on weekends when we can. And we'll still talk every day. It'll suck, but we'll be okay," Benji said confidently.

There was a long pause. "Can the two of you come outside now? It's kind of cold and I didn't bring a jacket."

I took the walkie from Benji. "I can bring you a blanket. You're cool with Benji coming?"

"Are you gonna make me say it?" Felix asked.

I didn't know what "it" was but, knowing Felix, it would be something that would make both Benji and me deeply uncomfortable, so I quickly said, "no, that's okay. We'll be right out."

Felix was sitting on the front steps. I dropped the blanket over his head before I sat down next to him. He had his arms pulled into his t-shirt and was shivering a little. He immediately wrapped himself in the blanket.

"How long have you been out here?"

"A couple of hours. I came out here once my mom went to bed."

I nudged his knee. "What's going on?"

"I don't know," he whispered. "I just felt off, and I didn't want to be alone." I glanced at Benji. He sat down on the other side of Felix. Felix buried his head in his hands. "Sorry. I know that's ridiculous-"

"It's not; you don't have to suffer in silence," Benji said adamantly. I had to bite the inside of my cheek because sometimes Benji was the biggest hypocrite in the world. It was like he could read my thoughts because his next words were, "I used to be really bad at that. I still am, but it's always better when I talk about it."

Felix sighed. He didn't know about Benji's… stuff and I wasn't sure if Benji was ever going to tell him. It had taken him months to open up to me and, even now, he had a lot of trouble talking about it. He preferred his sponsor, and I honestly preferred that too. Hank could help him way more than I could. Benji had called Hank the day he got his license, and I'd been there because it was a really difficult night for Benji… his talk with Hank wasn't what I was expecting. I'd always figured that his sponsor was just there to listen, but he walked Benji through different skills he could use and things he could do to "urge surf". That conversation had been proof that I couldn't be the person to talk him through a lot of his stuff. I was more than happy listening whenever he wanted to talk and reminding him that he wasn't the same person he used to be. It was a role we were both comfortable with. "Is this about Pilar?" I asked.

"Pilar? No, why?" He looked so genuinely confused that I realized this really wasn't about her. I was still dying to know what had upset her so much the other day, but she'd insisted it wasn't anything he said or did. She said she'd just been overwhelmed by everything they'd talked about.

"Then what's going on?"

"It's my mom."

"Did something happen?" I asked nervously.

"Not exactly. It's like… she's not happy with her job and when we talked about it today…" He let out a huffy sigh. "I know she's doing so much better, but we've been down this road before and she's stopped going to jobs she's like before."

"And you're scared it's not going to stick." Benji's voice was neutral, but I knew he was unhappy about it. It was really hard for him to separate his own feelings from this situation. It was kind of an impossible place to put him in because he knew firsthand how much harder his road to recovery had been when everyone doubted that he'd be able to do it.

I grabbed Benji's hand behind Felix's back and tried to squeeze reassuringly.

"Yeah. Like, maybe this is the start of her spiral."

To Benji's credit, he kept his mouth shut. "But that doesn't mean you don't believe in her, right?" I asked. It wasn't just an impossible situation for Benji. I felt like I couldn't support Felix without putting down Benji, and I was stuck trying to appease two people I loved. "You believe in her and want her to stay well; it's just still so new."

"I guess." He pulled the blanket tighter around himself. "But part of me also doesn't believe. You saw how bad it was before. I can't go through that again. I can't take believing that she'll be okay especially when we're still pulling ourselves together after that."

I swear, Benji was trying to break my hand.

"Benji, I think you should go inside," I said quietly. "You have a big day tomorrow. I'll sit out here for a bit."

"I'm okay." He didn't sound okay, but I wasn't going to push him. I closed my eyes for a second and reminded myself that I trusted Benji. Whatever we talked about tonight, he'd be okay. Once we got back inside, I might spend the rest of the night doing damage control, but I would be able to get him through it.

"Maybe it'll get easier with time," I suggested. "You'll see all the hard work she's been putting in, and you'll see that she's really committed to it."

"You don't get it," Felix said. He almost sounded annoyed.

"Okay. Then tell me."

"I just want my mom back, but I can't have her back," he snapped.

"What do you mean?"

"I think it's why I have trouble believing that she'll be okay because she couldn't be who I needed her to be. It's hard to believe she's that person now."

"I think you're right. I don't get it," I admitted.

To my surprise, Benji did. His voice was small when he said, "she can't change that she wasn't your mom when you needed her to be your mom… and now you know you don't need her. At least, not in the way you used to. Her effort now feels like too little too late, and it's just a reminder of when she wasn't there for you."

Felix and I both turned to stare at him. "Yeah. That's exactly it," he said, surprised.

"Sucks, doesn't it?" Benji shivered. I pulled off my jacket and passed it to him. He shook his head. "You'll get cold."

"I'm fine right now. Put it on and warm up. I'll take it back if I need to." It was just at the point where it was too cold to be out here without a jacket for long. That was the weird thing about May weather.

He pulled it on. "Thanks."

I refocused on Felix. We stayed out there another hour before his exhaustion drove him back inside.

- . - . - . - . -

Lake's POV

I snuck into my house somewhere around 4. I would've felt worse about it, but I hadn't been able to sleep, and staring up at Mia's ceiling left me way too much time alone with my thoughts. She'd been fast asleep when I left her. She was so exhausted, and I couldn't blame her. If I went on a six-month emotionally charged trip and then met my baby brother when he was four months old, I'd probably be a little tired too. We'd been up with her dad until almost midnight and when we went to her bedroom, she'd tried to stay up, but she'd been dozing off while we'd been talking, so I pretended I was really tired. Except, while Mia nearly instantaneously fell asleep, I'd been sleepless. I'd been tired all day but the moment I had the chance to fall asleep, I was wide awake. As if being unable to sleep wasn't enough, my brain was providing me with a constant montage of everything I'd lost when Lucy and I broke up.

Over the montage of those memories was a constant stream of voices. Things people had said to me since I started telling people about Lucy. For some reason, something Victor said to me in Vegas seemed to stick particularly loudly in my head. I couldn't remember his exact words, but I remembered him saying something about how sometimes he just wanted to rip off the tape and let everyone see him just to get it over with because that's what he and Benji deserved. I'd seen it after we'd come back. He had ripped off the metaphorical tape and had been unapologetically himself; I didn't know if I could do the same thing.

I was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee when my dad came into the kitchen. He seemed to process that there was fresh coffee already made before he realized that I was sitting here. He brought his hand up to his chest. "You gave me a heart attack; why are you sitting in the dark?" he asked. He flicked on the light switch and I flinched as my eyes adjusted. "Honey, are you okay?" Instantly, my dad was next to me. His eyes were filled with concern for me. He crouched down a little so he wasn't towering over me.

I wanted to tell him I was fine but, instead, I burst into tears. He wrapped his arms around me, and I buried my face in his chest. It had been a long time since my dad held me like this; at some point, I'd gotten more interested in my friends around school, and his work kept him away so often. I'd forgotten how safe he used to make me feel when I was little.

He was the exact opposite to my mom - it was one of the reasons they worked so well together. Whereas she had unattainably high standards for everyone (including herself), my dad accepted everyone exactly the way they were. "Talk to me."

"I made a huge mistake," I whispered.

"Do you want me to get mom?" he asked.

"No need. I could hear you upstairs." She looked like she'd just rolled out of bed. She probably had. My dad woke up at 5 every day because he left for work a little after 6, but my mom didn't usually get out of bed until he left. Unsurprisingly, she'd had time to throw on make-up. I didn't think I'd ever seen her without it. I saw my mom look me up and down. 99% of the time, my mom's instinct was to call attention to anything that she felt was even the slightest bit flawed, but there were times, like now and after I'd met Felix's mom and every single time my birth dad stopped by, where she knew exactly what I needed from her.

She didn't say anything about how haphazardly my hair was piled on top of my head or how splotchy my face was or how I was wearing a pair of baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt that probably had a million stains on it.

She pulled up a chair and sat down across from me. She squeezed one of his hands before she reached for one of mine. "Whatever this is… if you got in some kind of trouble, we'll figure it out."

"You think I'm in trouble?" I asked uncertainly.

"I don't know. You said you made a big mistake; you tell me."

"I'm not in trouble," I told her.

"Then what's going on?"

I looked over at them and started to play with the edge of my sleeve. "You can tell us anything. You know that, right," my dad said. He held my free hand. "Anything," he repeated.

I looked down at my hands. One was held by my mom, the woman who chose to have me even though it meant cutting off ties with her parents and made her life a thousand times more difficult; the other was held by the dad that chose to have me in his life. I knew that this was my moment.

I squeezed my eyes shut tight. "I, uh… I like…" I started crying so hard, my voice wavered. "I like…" Why couldn't I get the word out? I took a deep breath, but all that did was allow a sob to escape me. They never relaxed their grips on my hand. "I like Lucy. We've been dating for almost five months. Or we were dating. We broke up. I don't want you to think any differently or be disappointed in me. I can't help that I like her… no, not like. Love. I love her, and she makes me so happy. I've been so scared to tell you this that I let her walk away." Another sob ripped out of me. "Please don't be mad."

Silence. Endless silence. It felt like it stretched on forever. I still couldn't look at them. I looked down at where they still held my hands. Nothing had changed there. They hadn't let go of me and I held their hands just a little tighter. On our walk to Brasstown, Victor had told me all about how he came out to his parents; he said the split second after he told them had felt like a weight off of his shoulders. It was the first time he remembered feeling truly proud of who he was. I didn't feel like that right now. I mostly felt like this was long overdue and anxious that I couldn't possibly handle losing Lucy and whatever my parents were going to say.

In the end, they didn't say anything. They must've reached for me at the same time because suddenly both of them were squeezing me tightly. I exhaled deeply as I let out the breath I'd been unintentionally holding.

I didn't go to school that day and then, because I'd missed a final, I didn't see anyone on Thursday as I tried to cram an extra final into my study hour and lunch period. It was miserable, but I was glad to get it out of the way.

I was antsy during my Chemistry final on Friday to the point where Benji kept shooting me anxious looks. I was relieved when the bell rang dismissing us to lunch. We had a two-and-a-half-hour final in the morning, an hour for lunch, a 'study hour' (most people just extended their lunch), and then two classes in the afternoon - it was complete bullshit that we still had to go to class during finals. None of our teachers knew what to do with us and mostly told us we should study for our finals. My Algebra teacher had tried to go over some problems with us, but he was essentially teaching a class of zombies.

By the time the bell rang dismissing us from Chemistry, I was excited to never think about science again. I stopped at my locker to grab the textbook I'd forgotten to turn in before my final before I went to our lunch table.

"Lucy. Lucy, stop!" She'd essentially gotten up the moment I sat down. I followed her to the area in front of the doors to the school until she stopped. She didn't turn to face me right away and, when she finally did, I could tell she was trying not to cry.

Lucy had a really distinctive expression when she didn't want to cry. It was kind of this tortured look, like it took actual effort for her to hold back her tears. She didn't cry often and I felt my heart twist when I thought about the fact that I was the one that was hurting her.

"Why?" she demanded. "Are you done ignoring me? You just disappeared for five days. You don't show up for school, you ignore my texts, and then you come back like nothing happened." That couldn't be further from the truth, but I guess I couldn't blame her for not realizing that a different Lake Meriwether showed up for school today. "Do you know how worried I was?"

"I know. And I'm so sorry. It wasn't fair of me to do that," I told her.

"What do you want?"

"I want to be good enough for me. I want to be as brave as everyone thinks I can be. I want to prove to myself that who I am is more important than what other people think of me."

"What does that even mean?" she asked.

"It means… it means…" I cut myself off. I guess there were never going to be the right words. Weirdly, it wasn't Victor's words or Mia's or even Lucy's that came back to me. It was Benji's voice I heard in my head. That's our fairy tale. That we found someone worth the fighting and the struggle and the compromising and the sacrifice.

Everything seemed to depend on this exact moment. I needed to choose once and for all. Was I ready for the whole world to know? Was I ready to admit to myself that Lucy could be a permanent presence in my life if I gave us a real shot? Was she worth the sacrifice?

My body knew the answer before my brain fully finished processing my questions. I brought my hand up to cup her chin before I pressed my lips to hers. I wasn't sure if the silence was the result of Lucy's presence muting the world around us or if she'd managed to calm the nonstop flow of doubts that had filled my head since dinner on Friday or whether it was an actual silence because people had seen us. I honestly didn't care. Not even a little bit. I got that same feeling I had at the Spring Fling last year when I'd proclaimed my feelings for Felix. Like I was weightless and no one else's opinion mattered.

Lucy seemed to realize what I was doing about two seconds after I started kissing her. She jumped back. "Lake, we can't. This doesn't change anything. If we can't tell your parents-"

"They know," I interrupted. "I told them two days ago. That's why I wasn't in school Wednesday. They both called in sick, and we spent the day together. I don't know why I was so scared to tell them because they were amazing about it. I told them that… that I fell in love, and I was so scared to be in love with someone after such a short amount of time. I didn't want to get hurt again, and I thought the more people that knew, the more complications there would be, but being with you doesn't feel complicated. Other people might complicate it, but we're not about other people. We're about you and me. And 'you and me' feels right."

"You fell in love," she said quietly.

"Yeah, I did. I love you, and I don't want my fear to get in the way of what we have. I don't care if the world knows that I am in love with Lucy Hayes."

"I love you too."

She kissed me before she pulled me into a tight embrace. I let myself look around the courtyard for the first time until my eyes found Felix. He had a small smile on his face. He whispered something to Victor and whatever Victor said back made Felix smile bigger. He met my gaze and I could see that he was genuinely happy for me. He nodded towards me.

- . - . - . - . -

Benji's POV

"Go. I can handle this. Pick good songs. What am I saying? All of your songs are amazing." Victor kissed me before he pushed me towards the stage. I really didn't deserve how amazing he was being about this whole thing since we found out about the tour; I'd been unable to find coverage tonight because it seemed like everyone we worked with already had plans before our last day of school, so I was technically working. I doubted we'd get very busy tonight; Thursday's were hit or a miss and tonight looked like a miss, but it still sucked to work alone.

When I got to where my bandmates were huddled, I asked, "where's Coryn. She running late?" She'd been as excited as the rest of us last week when we'd talked about the semantics of the tour and had gotten the permission form from Stevie.

None of them looked at me. "Her parents said no," Stevie told me.

I felt my heart sink. "And since she's a minor, she can't just take off. They really said no?"

"This is such bullshit," Stevie complained.

"What are we gonna do?" I asked.

Tosh looked around nervously. "I… okay, so this is a really big deal and I feel bad that she can't go but that doesn't mean we have to lose this shot, right?"

I saw Stevie's confused expression before Tosh's words sunk in. "We can't play without her." I thought it was obvious, but it still apparently needed to be said.

"Maybe we can. Coryn texted me on Sunday that her parents said no, so I had a little time to figure out a solution."

Stevie hit him just slightly too hard for it to be friendly. "Why didn't you tell me? She only texted me this morning because she said she couldn't face telling us in person."

"It wasn't my news to tell, but I put my feelers out and… I may have already found a replacement. I told him to meet us here."

"Who?" I asked.

Tosh looked at me nervously. "The thing is… oh, he's here." He pointed towards the entrance.

I followed his finger until I saw Derek. All I could do was stare. This couldn't be real. I turned to Tosh.

"Are you insane?" Mylo asked. I was glad I wasn't the only one that thought this was absurd.

"Please tell me that this is a joke," I said.

"He knows most of our covers from when he played with us, and he's the only one that comes close to playing like Coryn can," Tosh pointed out. "It's been less than a year since we played together." It had been like a day less than a year because our last rehearsal had been the day before Derek and I broke up, but it didn't seem worth it to point that out.

"He doesn't know any of our originals," Mylo argued. "And then there's… the other stuff." The other stuff. Yeah. I had a feeling that some of "the other stuff" would be hard to work through. I didn't know how they expected us to play together when we'd talked once since our breakup and that had just been a very brief exchange about how Mia was drunk and needed to be rescued. Derek had essentially quit the band via text message. He'd said he wanted to enjoy his summer before college started up again and had cut off all ties with us… at least, that's what I assumed. Now, I was thinking he only cut off ties with me.

"We can't be professionals?" Tosh asked.

"Professional," I scoffed. "If we were so professional, you would have told us before we got here. But you didn't because you knew I'd be pissed."

"I just didn't want to give you the chance to back out," Tosh retorted. "We can't replace you if you leave us."

"That's not a good reason to keep this from us. We're supposed to make these decisions together."

"It's him or we don't go," Tosh said adamantly. "This could be our whole future."

Before I had the chance to say anything, Derek got to us. "Hey, guys." He was stiff and looked uncomfortable, or maybe I was just projecting how I felt.

I crossed my arms. "I need a second." I shot Tosh what I hoped was a look filled with fury before I walked away. I went to the only place where they wouldn't be able to follow me - the back room.

I started frantically pacing. Six weeks with someone that hated me; six weeks with someone that I'd cheated on. Even if I hadn't planned for Victor to kiss me that day in Willacoochee, I'd kissed him back and I'd been emotionally cheating on Derek for a long time. If we'd talked some time in the past year, I felt like this wouldn't be so bad, but I felt like there wasn't a chance that we could make this normal. Would we be able to enjoy this tour if we were going together? Would Victor be okay with it or would this be the thing that we couldn't work through? It kind of felt like the world was closing in on me and my breathing came more rapidly. I couldn't focus.

"Hey, you okay? Breathe, Benji." Shit.

I didn't remember sitting down, but when I opened my eyes, Victor was crouched down in front of me. "That's it. Keep breathing."

I started to become aware of other things. The slots of the locker against my back. Victor's hands rubbing circles into my shoulders. The distinct smell of coffee.

"Excuse me?" someone called.

"One second, ma'am. I'm just finishing something up back here," Victor called. His voice almost sounded a little echoey. "Breathe. Slowly. In and out." I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to do what he said. "In and out," he repeated over and over in a soothing voice. Eventually, it came easier. "I will be right back. Keep doing that, okay? In and out. I'm going to be right back." I vaguely heard Victor apologize to the woman. He couldn't have been gone more than two minutes before he was back in front of me. "Feeling better?"

"A little. Sorry. I don't know what that was."

He crouched down in front of me again. "Yes, you do," he said with certainty. "You said you had these all the time after your accident."

I sighed. "That hasn't happened in a long time. They were worse than this." I shuddered. It had been with great reluctance that I'd told Victor about the panic that had gripped me when I'd fully committed to confronting my problems instead of drinking to avoid them. "I don't know why I freaked out so much." I did know, but I had no idea how to tell Victor about this.

"It's okay to get overwhelmed. I think anyone would be in your position. You're picking out the songs that you get to play to God knows how many people on your tour. It's getting real."

I shook my head. I didn't know how to tell him this, but I had to. It wouldn't take him long to realize that Derek was practicing with us and, while I hated the idea of playing with him as if we didn't have a whole complicated history, I still wanted to go. I still needed to know if this was something I wanted.

I had no idea how Victor was going to react to this and that scared me more than the thought of being trapped with Derek for six weeks. "Coryn's parents said no. She can't come with us."

"Does this mean you're not going?" he asked. "That's not fair! You've worked so hard for this. Isn't there any way one of you can convince her parents that this is too big of an opportunity to pass up?"

"I doubt it, but it doesn't mean we're not going. They found someone to play with us." I closed my eyes. "Derek. They asked Derek."

"Oh." I heard Victor stand up before I opened my eyes. "I have to get back to work. Clean some tables. Take as much time as you need before you go back out." I heard him take a few steps before he stopped. He walked back towards me and put his hand on my shoulder. "I just need a minute to wrap my head around this. When you're ready, go back to your band and figure this out. I can handle closing; we'll talk tomorrow." Then he walked out.

- . - . - . - . -

Rahim's POV

I was in stealth mode, so my phone suddenly ringing nearly gave me a heart attack. Admittedly, I probably wasn't doing a great job in stealth mode if I hadn't even remembered to turn my phone off. My parents didn't exactly know I wasn't home and my first thought was that I'd been discovered. Instead, Victor's name was staring back at me.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked.

"Did I wake you?"

"No, because I'm not a hundred." Victor was silent. "Okay, what's going on? That was hilarious." It was like deja vu; we'd had a similar conversation once before.

"Do you think we could meet up?"

I glanced at my watch. It was a little before 10. I didn't want to stop what I was doing, but I also wanted to know what was going on with Victor. "What are your thoughts on espionage?" I asked.

There was a long pause. "I'm in. No questions asked."

"Great. Meet me at Boardner's."

"Boardner's?" he asked.

"Yeah. It's that club we went to the day we skipped school," I told him.

He was silent for a minute. "I take back my no questions asked," he told me. "I have one very important question."

"What's that?" I expected him to ask me if I was crazy or something.

"Do you want coffee? I'm about to leave Brasstown"

"Mmm. I will accept that," I agreed.

"What do you want?"

"Surprise me."

Victor made remarkably good time. He showed up less than fifteen minutes later. When he passed me my coffee, I raised my eyebrows at him. "What exactly is this?"

"You'll like it. Trust me. It's a Victor Salazar special." He sat down next to me.

I took a sip. Wow. I quickly composed myself because I would have this coffee's babies if that was anatomically possible, but I wasn't going to tell him that. "It's okay."

He snorted. "Yeah. Just okay." He took a sip of his own. "Benji and I discovered it when we were messing around one day. He thinks it's too spicy, but I like it. It's the cinnamon. It really ties it all together."

"Does it have a name?"

"No, because it's not officially on the menu. Our boss is kind of… particular about what we're allowed to offer people."

"Well, I'm honored to have something off of the secret menu."

He rolled his eyes and took another sip. "So, we're staking out Boardner's."

He didn't say it like a question, but I knew he was dying to know. "Yeah. I lost my fake, so I can't go in." I was reasonably confident that I left it here the last time I came a few weeks ago, and I was kind of too scared to go in and find out because I suddenly couldn't remember what the exact name on the ID was and I thought it would probably be kind of shady to ask for an ID that vaguely looked like me. Matt had tried asking if they'd found anything on our table but hadn't gotten very far with that line of questioning.

"I'm not going to ask why you have a fake ID but if you want to tell me, that would be great."

I chuckled. "I don't think you have to worry about that. Do you want to tell me why you're here in the middle of the night?"

He looked genuinely confused by my question. "You're the one that invited me here," he pointed out.

"Yes, I'm aware. I was there," I said dryly. "I asked you to come here after you called asking to talk."

He sighed. "I'm sorry."

I looked away from him. "You don't need to apologize for wanting to talk. But talk."

"Benji's band got offered this really, really amazing opportunity to tour with another band," he said quietly. "And he's going to be gone for six weeks."

"Okay. That's gonna suck but, like you said, it's a great opportunity."

"When he gets back, I won't be here."

"Are you moving?" I asked. Pilar might be annoyingly in love right now, but I didn't want to lose her. She was actually the one that conned the secretary into telling her how long Ryker had been out of school by pretending that she was picking up make-up work for them. I felt like the worst friend in existence that I hadn't realized Ryker had been absent for weeks. I just assumed they'd been avoiding me.

"No. I got accepted into this basketball camp of sorts at the University of Georgia. It's a chance for some colleges to see me play; I could even get a scholarship out of it. It starts two weeks before Benji will be done, so we're looking at the whole summer apart."

"Oh my God. That's amazing! The basketball thing, not being apart." I couldn't care less about sports, but I knew enough to know that a scholarship would be a game-changer for Victor. Pilar had once said that the only reason she tried so hard in school was so she could try to get a scholarship. It was why she refused to let me add some excitement to her life and said no every time I asked her to cut with me. "And you'll be able to visit each other, right? You could go visit Benji if he's playing close to here, and he can drive to Athens when he gets back."

"Yeah. I guess."

"That's not really what's bothering you, is it?" I asked. His shoulders hunched.

"His ex is going to be playing with him. They'll be together the entire tour." He looked down at his knees. "Benji hasn't talked to Derek since they broke up almost a year ago. What if they reconnect and remember why they got together in the first place."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but you're an idiot."

He looked up fast. "What did I do?"

"You've been with Benji… what? Forever? Maybe it just feels like that because you're obviously meant to be together. I know you don't believe in fate, but I do, so you can deal with it." He smiled. "You'll be okay."

He looked skeptical. His expression suddenly changed. "Sorry. It's probably really shitty for me to be complaining about my relationship when you've just been through it."

"No, it's okay. I'm not going to pretend it's easy. I miss TJ like crazy." I glanced at Victor out of the side of my eye. "Do you think I made a mistake?"

"No," he said with more conviction than I knew could be portrayed in someone's voice. "He was a dick. You can do better."

"I don't know if I can," I whispered. I'd been left alone with my thoughts way too much and I was pretty sure I'd screwed things up so badly with that. I should have given both of us time to sober up before we'd talked about what happened.

"You can," he said seriously. "You're… geat, Rahim. It's one of the reasons I called you. You're funny; you're a crazy-good listener; I think you dress… not terribly." I snickered. Victor wasn't exactly fashion-oriented. "You're easy to talk to. Some guy is going to be really lucky when he meets you."

"Felix or Pilar or one of your thousands of friends aren't easy to talk to?"

Victor sighed. "I don't want to seem ungrateful, but most of my 'thousands of friends' are only friends with me because they feel like they get points for being friends with the gay kid."

I hated to admit it, but I could see that. The number of people that had referred to themselves as one of Victor's 'closest friends' after his sex video came out was kind of astounding. "But not all of them."

"No. I've got some really great ones," he agreed. "Like Felix. I guess I just didn't want… straight advice. I know that's dumb, but-"

"No. I actually think that makes a lot of sense." We sat in silence for a few minutes. "I'm here because my best friend hasn't been in school in over two weeks and they were ignoring me before that. I haven't talked to them since before everything went down with TJ, and I'm really worried about them. They haven't answered my calls or my texts. I'm at the point where I'd be okay with finding out that they don't want to be my friend anymore, but I need to know that they're okay and not dying in an alley or something." I sighed. "I don't know if I can handle them dropping me on top of TJ. I feel like I walked away from the only guy that might ever like me."

"One, you didn't walk away from the only guy that might ever like you. You walked away from someone that didn't trust you. Two, are you talking about Ryker?" He asked.

It took me a second to understand his question because I was so confused to hear their name from someone outside of my nightlife friends. "You know?"

"You called her Ryker a few times when you were at my apartment to decorate for the proposal. You eat lunch with her every day, so it wasn't hard to figure out."

"Them," I corrected instinctively. "I… haven't seen them in over two weeks." I rubbed my arms. "I guess I was holding on to the hope that they might come here, but they've either gotten here before me and left after me the last five days or they've been particularly sneaky."

Victor looked around. "Come on. There's only one way to know for sure if she… they are here."

"We can't go in."

He offered me his hand. "We can try." I let him pull me to my feet. "Head up. Look confident. We'll walk right in."

"We do not pass for 21. You're wearing your school backpack, and I barely look sixteen."

"Do you want to find Ryker or not?"

"Of course. I'm just saying we're not getting in."

"Act drunk," he suggested. "I promise we'll get in."

"I don't know how to act drunk," I protested. I really didn't; whilst sober, I had no concept of how I'd acted the few times I'd gotten drunk.

"Okay." He frowned. "Your shirt is nice. I think I've seen something like it at Walmart."

I looked down. "I'm sorry. You have eyes, right? Walmart?"

He looked at me innocently. "What?"

"Walmart does not carry clothing like this." I pointed to my shoulders. "This is Versace. Cotton poplin. It's silky; it's lustrous; it makes me feel a little bit like I belong on a red carpet and, one day when I'm famous, I will pay homage to this shirt."

"I literally have no idea what that means, but we're in."

I looked around startled to realize that we'd actually just walked in. He was grinning so hard. "You didn't actually think I bought this at Walmart."

He chuckled. "Nope."

"I feel weirdly exploited."

He shrugged. "I know you care about your clothes. Do you see them?"

It took a minute, but I spotted them. They were sitting by themselves at a table. They had a drink in front of them, but it didn't look like they'd touched it.

We walked up to them and took two of the empty seats. "What are you doing here?" they asked surprised.

"Rahim would say espionage, but I think that point could be argued." Victor put his hand on my shoulder. "Do you want something to drink?"

"Get me anything."

He walked away and took a seat at the bar. It didn't look like he ordered anything, and it took me half a second to realize he was giving us some privacy.

For a moment, we were silent. "Did I do something wrong?" I asked.

They looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"You haven't been in school, you don't answer my calls. I'm trying really hard not to make this about me, but you just dropped me."

"I didn't drop you. My… my parents dropped me. I haven't seen that you tried to call because my parents turned off the service for my phone the day after they kicked me out."

I stared. "What?" I asked incredulously.

"Yeah. I, uh, came out to them because they asked me when you and I were going to start dating. I told them that you're gay, and they started going off about how they didn't want your influence in my life, so I told them that I was a worse influence than you were, and… they told me to get out. They told me not to come home until I found my way back to Jehovah."

"Oh my God. Ryker. I'm so sorry. What… how… where… I can't even wrap my head around this." I stood up and pulled them close to me for a hug. At first, they were stiff but, after a moment, they wrapped their arms around me tightly. "Where have you been staying?"

"With whoever will take me in. And I do small, under-the-table jobs in exchange. Stuff like filing paperwork, housekeeping, or babysitting. It's why I haven't been in school."

"You're coming home with me," I told them. "Free of charge. We'll talk to my parents. It'll be fine. Everything will be okay."

They shook their head against my shoulder. "I can't ask you to do that for me."

"You're not asking. I'm offering. Don't you dare try to argue with me because I may have the strength of a cooked piece of pasta, but my friend over there is a buff basketball player, and he can drag you back to my house," I warned them.

They chuckled. They pulled back from the hug and wiped their eyes. "Okay. You don't think your parents will have a problem with me?"

I thought about how amazing my parents had been from the moment I came out to them. "No, they won't," I told them confidently. "You're my friend, and they'll want to help you. Are you ready to go home?"

They started crying all over again. "Home." They let out a shuddery breath. "Yeah, I'm ready for that."

I waved Victor over, and we left Boardner's together. He took in my arm around Ryker's shoulder and smiled. "I take it you worked everything out."

"Yeah. They'll be staying with me for a bit."

He didn't press it, but I could tell he was drawing his own conclusions. "I'm gonna walk home."

"We're like five miles away," I told him.

"I know, but I need to think."

He only took a step before I called, "Victor! About Benji… everything will be fine. It's kind of undeniable how perfect you are for each other and, trust me, I've tried." He ducked his head. "Even if his ex tries something, Benji won't get back with him."

"How do you know?" he asked.

"Because despite my best attempts to be a cynic, you and Benji make me believe in love," I told him seriously. "And the couple that is relationship goals for every queer kid in our school… yeah, you're gonna be okay."

He smiled a tiny, self-conscious smile. "Thanks. You'll be okay too. TJ's an idiot, and you'll find someone so much better for you. Good night and… good luck with everything. Let me know if there's anything I can do."

I glanced at Ryker. "We're okay, I think. But thanks. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

He gave me a quick hug before he walked away. "I feel like you have a lot of explaining to do," Ryker said.

"You have no idea."

- . - . - . - . -

Armando's POV

Isa and I were sitting in the living room. Victor's phone was off. Isa had tried calling him about a dozen times, but it went straight to voicemail every time. We didn't know why he was running right now. He'd seemed pretty euphoric since we sat down with him and Benji last week. I thought it was a major concession to give him permission to travel with Benji when he was in North Carolina in exchange for his help with Adrian so Pilar wouldn't be stuck around the apartment all summer.

It had been surprisingly difficult to figure out how to make everyone happy, but we thought we'd done an okay job with it so that everyone could have some of the summer they wanted.

It was nearly 1 am before Victor walked in the door. He looked really tired, and he didn't seem to notice us right away.

When I cleared my throat, Victor nearly jumped a foot in the air. "Mom. Dad. What are you doing up?"

"Do you know what time it is?" Isa demanded. "It's a school night. Your curfew is ten. If you got held up with Benji, you know to text or call. You don't get to just disappear and turn your phone off-"

"I didn't turn my phone off. It died at work," he interrupted. "And I wasn't with Benji. I was with Rahim."

"Rahim." Isa glanced at me. We didn't know the exact details of what had happened between them, but Rahim had avoided our apartment for months. Part of me was thrilled that they seemed to be friends, but it made Isa nervous. She worried that it was more drama in Victor's life.

"Yeah. I just really needed to talk to a friend," he told us. "I'm sorry that it's so late."

Isa stood up. "What's going on?"

He shook his head. "Nothing. I'm okay now." Despite his words, he didn't look okay. "I'm gonna go take a shower."

He dropped his bag off in his bedroom. "I'll talk to him once he gets out," I offered.

Isa nodded. "Yeah. Find out what's going on." She sat down next to me and I could see how nervous she was.

"I'm sure it's nothing. It probably just hit him that he's gonna be apart from Benji." I tried to sound reassuring, but I'd texted Benji and hadn't heard back from him. I hadn't told Isa because I didn't want her to panic, but I didn't think that was a good sign. I wasn't sure if they'd gotten into a fight.

I gave Victor a few minutes once he got out of the shower before I knocked on his door and went in. I was surprised that he was on the phone. "Can we talk, Vic?"

"I gotta go, but I'll talk to you tomorrow. Yeah. Love you too." He hung up.

"Benny and the jets is still up?" I asked.

The corners of Victor's mouth twitched. "Someone texted him that I wasn't home and it freaked him out, so he stayed up to wait for me."

Oops. "I thought he might know where you were."

"I know. I'm really sorry I worried you. I just needed-"

"To talk to a friend. Yeah, we got that part. What's going on? I thought you were happy with our arrangement."

"I am," he said seriously. "I'm so grateful that you and mami are making this work for me, and I know how tough the summer is gonna be because you're letting me go."

"Then what's the problem?"

Victor shifted so he was sitting cross-legged on his bed. "Benji's ex is going to be filling in for one of his bandmates," he told me. He wasn't looking at me.

"Ah." I sat down in his desk chair. "And you're worried that Benji might… get carried away while you're apart and sleep with this guy or something?"

"No. Benji would never cheat on me," Victor said confidently. His certainty took me by surprise, but I felt weirdly sad about it in a really happy way. Happy that he had someone that he trusted so deeply but also sad because it reminded me that I'd almost lost that. "But… what if he falls in love with Derek and decides to break up with me? Six weeks is such a long time and he's going to be off seeing the world with him."

"Do you think you're going to fall in love when you go away to basketball camp?" I asked.

"What? No, of course not."

"Then extend Benji the same courtesy. There are not a lot of things that I can claim to know, but one of the things I've never doubted is how much Benji loves you. If you want to make it work, you will." I frowned before I met Victor's gaze. "Do you want to make it work?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I really do."

I hesitated. We'd talked… not a lot, but a decent amount about his relationship with Benji, but we'd always focused on the physical stuff. I thought it was easier than having to talk about the emotions that I'd struggled my whole life to express, but I realized that I didn't actually know where Victor stood with Benji.

"You really love this boy."

He nodded again. "Yes." He shivered. "So much." I wasn't sure if he was aware that he said the words because he looked distant even while he sat in front of me.

"Have the two of you talked about the future? What that might look like for you?" If he was anyone else, I wouldn't have been asking about it. If he was any other seventeen-year-old boy on this planet, I would've claimed he was too young to be giving much thought about a future with someone. But this wasn't anyone else; this was Victor.

"Vaguely. We know we're too young to be seriously talking about it, but we know we want to talk about it someday," he explained. It was exactly that reason that I knew I could ask Victor questions like this. He knew he was too young but was mature enough to know what he wanted from his future.

"Which means you think you'll have a someday with him," I confirmed.

"I hope so."

I nodded as I stood up. "I hope so too, Vic."

I went back to the living room and quickly filled Isa in on what Victor had told me. She got a glint in her eye before she stood up. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to follow her. After a few minutes had passed, I got up to investigate. The apartment was eerily quiet for how loud Isa usually was.

When I got outside his room, Isa and him were hugging. I didn't know what she'd said to him, but Victor had a small smile on his face. "Thanks, mami."

"Anytime, amore," Isa said softly. She pulled back just a little. "Benji is your person. You'll be okay. And so help me, if that boy puts one toe out of line, I will have my sister reach out to her ex. I'm sure she still has his number." Victor chuckled, and Isa brought her hand to his cheek. "I love Benji too, you know." She waited for Victor to nod before she dropped her hand. "When you first started dating him… if I'm being honest, the first ten months you were together, I prayed to understand your relationship, and I think God has answered me. It takes… a really special guy to be able to put up with me." She glanced up at me. "A really special guy." She turned her gaze back to Victor. "The jury's still out on Felix, but Benji has what it takes. If I didn't manage to scare him away? He's in this for the long haul." She hesitated. "Not to say that if things don't work out, you won't be okay. I'll miss Benji like crazy and it would be like I lost a son, but you'll be okay."

Victor snorted, then laughed, then laughed even louder. He rested his head on Isa's shoulder while he calmed down. "I never thought I'd hear you say something like that."

"And that's on me," Isa said. "I didn't do a great job of showing you this, but I'm on your team. Always."

"I know."

Isa held Victor like that until he started to doze off. She kissed his forehead before she walked out of his bedroom.

- . - . - . - . -

Lake's POV

"Hey, can I talk to you?" Lucy and I had been lazing about in front of a tree. We were technically supposed to be in the auditorium so Ms. Knight could wish us all a happy summer and encourage us to be safe and yadda yadda. I would've felt worse about it, but I doubted she was going to punish us on the last day of school, and it seemed like the entire school had lingered out here anyway. The courtyard was packed with kids taking advantage of the beautiful weather and we'd set up camp under a tree during our "lunch". Why that was built into the schedule on a half-day when they didn't feed us would never make sense to me.

Today was one of those days that was so picture-perfect beautiful. We had brilliant, blue skies; the clouds were so thick and fluffy they looked like someone had drawn them in the sky; it was warm but not too warm. It was perfect.

I was lying on Lucy's lap and she was running her fingers through my hair. Lucy and I had spent a lot of time here since I'd kissed her last week. It was harder for people to come up to us out here and it had been easier to ride out the wave of the end of the school year.

I looked up when Felix repeated his question because I'd honestly been so lost in this moment. "Oh. Yeah. Of course." I hadn't seen Felix since last Friday. We'd stopped eating at our lunch table about five minutes into Monday because, Victor was right, our classmates had no filters.

I pushed myself up and climbed to my feet. I wordlessly followed Felix. He took me to the front of the school and sat down on the front steps. I sat down next to him. "What's up?"

"I need to ask you something." He sounded nervous.

I sighed in exasperation. I knew what this must've been about. "You didn't turn me," I grumbled. He'd gotten a ton of shit since last week including a running joke that I'd switched to girls since I realized the fewer balls someone had the better. I probably should have been nicer about this, but I was so irritated that it was Felix of all people.

He looked genuinely insulted. "I never said you did."

I rubbed my eyes. "Sorry. I shouldn't have assumed. Everyone just keeps saying that since I'm with Lucy, I'm only into girls and I'm not. I like guys. I just like girls too."

"It's okay but that is what I wanted to ask you. Are you okay? I know… this hasn't been easy for you. I just wanted to make sure that you're holding up. " That only made me feel more guilty because of course he only wanted to check in on me. "Victor told me that you had a tough time getting to that point." He clasped his hands in front of him. "I hope I wasn't part of that reason."

"Of course, you weren't. Why would you think that?"

He sighed. "I asked Victor why you didn't tell me. He said he couldn't really give me an answer but that when he was going through his stuff, he had so much trouble with it because he didn't want to hurt Mia. Because he loved her so much and he knew telling her that he didn't love her in the right way was going to hurt. I wasn't sure… if you liked Lucy when we were together but were too scared to tell me because of everything I was going through."

If he was anyone else, I'd tell him he was being self-absorbed, but I could tell that Felix wasn't trying to make this about him. I thought he was honestly trying to apologize if he made this harder on me. "It really wasn't you," I promised him. "I didn't even know Lucy until the night of the wedding. It was the first time I really talked to her."

"Then… why? You're one of the strongest people I know. Why was it so hard?"

I shuddered. "It was my own stuff I had to work through. I guess you could say ultimatums are my thing because it wasn't until Lucy walked away that I realized how important she was to me. Same as it did for you."

"I'm glad," he said softly. "That you found yourself with her. I'm sorry that we haven't really talked since the wedding. I know I moved on… quickly."

I ducked my head. This conversation was probably long overdue. In truth, if I hadn't been so overwhelmed with figuring out my stuff with Lucy, I probably would have demanded answers so much sooner because I felt like I deserved to understand what happened. Once I was hiding that I was with Lucy and he was so happy with Pilar… it just never came up. "You did. Really quickly. I thought we were in love."

"We were. I think part of me is still in love with you but in a different way than I used to be."

I knew exactly what he meant. I had a feeling I was going to love Felix for the rest of my life. He was the first person I ever fell in love with and that was never going to change. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"If you loved me so much, how did you just drop me?"

If he's surprised by the bluntness of my question, he doesn't show it. "I didn't just drop you, Lake, but…" he sighed and pinched his nose. "Do you want the honest answer? Because you're not gonna like it."

"Yes. I want the truth."

"That night at the wedding, Pilar got Swedish Fish for my mom."

"Okay," I said slowly. I had no idea what that had to do with anything.

"When my mom got depressed, I didn't feel like I could tell you. That's not on you. It's on me, but I think that means something. I… never felt like that with Pilar. When I told her about what was happening with my mom, she was there for me. She helped pay for my rent and…" he let out a shaky breath. "Since the first time we hung out, I've felt connected to her, but I didn't let myself think about it because I was so crazy about you. Those Swedish Fish were so much more than Swedish Fish. They were a reminder of someone that showed me it was possible to smile even when my life was falling apart; they reminded me of all the times that I didn't have to think about how to act or what to say; they reminded me of how she made me feel like more than myself."

"I don't understand." I wasn't sure if I should be insulted by what he said because I really couldn't follow everything he'd said or what the Swedish Fish had to do with anything.

Felix turned so he was facing me. "The night we broke up at the aquarium, I told you that I needed to be with someone that could make me happy. I didn't want to keep sacrificing myself to make you happy." Okay, I definitely had a right to be insulted. "It's not your fault that I was doing that," he hastily added. "It's definitely not your fault. I never gave you the chance to let me swim on my own."

"But Pilar is different?"

"She is. I think it's because we were friends before I realized how much I liked her. I know it wasn't fair to you. I don't regret being with Pilar, but I wish I had waited a little longer before we were as public as we were."

"I'm glad you have her. You're different with her than you were with me. She really makes you shine. I'm sorry I didn't do that."

"It's not your fault." I wasn't sure I believed that. "I'm really happy for you, Lake. Lucy seems great. Are you happy with her?"

"I am," I told him seriously. "I didn't think I'd ever love someone after you, but Lucy helped build me back up when you and Mia were gone. I never have to think about who I am when I'm with her. I get to just be me." In truth, I'd never felt that way with Felix, so I guess I kind of understood where he was coming from.

"Good." He played with a pen spot on the knee of his jeans before he pulled me in for a hug. "You deserve to be happy."

After a moment, I returned his embrace. "Thanks." I didn't need his validation to know that I deserved to be happy but, somehow, it meant so much to hear it from him and to know that he was okay with this.

- . - . - . - . -

Mia's POV

I returned to my mom's apartment alone this time. Andrew had come with me yesterday and the day before, but she hadn't been home when we stopped by. It was probably good that he went with me because otherwise, I didn't think I ever would have made it in the building. It had taken me over a week to come here. There was something about being back in Atlanta and faced with the very real possibility of seeing my mom and not just chasing another lead that made me want to take my time.

She was staying in the same complex I'd grown up in. If we'd climbed two more floors, I would have been outside our old apartment. We didn't climb those stairs, and I didn't say anything to Andrew, so I wasn't even sure if he'd known where we were. I'd tell him eventually, but it made it too real to think about how happy we'd been when we lived here. Before my dad was a bigshot university President and my mom left. This place held happy memories made bitter by the fact that we'd become so miserable after we moved.

Andrew and I had sat down outside her door as long as we could before some of her neighbors started to give us weird looks and one older guy told us he was going to call the cops. We'd accepted that she wasn't home and had left. I honestly had been worried that we'd missed her again. That, just as we thought we'd found her, she'd taken off again.

Andrew would've been with me again today, but his dad was making him go to school. I didn't know why. It was literally the last day of school, and we'd already turned in all of the work we needed to do to complete our Junior year - we were still fuzzy on exactly how we were allowed to pass, but I wasn't complaining. Andrew's dad had insisted that he needed to go to school today, and he didn't feel like he could say no. I could've waited for him to get out, but I really didn't want to wait. I'd spent six months searching for answers. I'd found so many answers to questions I hadn't known to ask, but I'd yet to get an answer about why my mom left.

I'd resolved myself to start checking in with neighbors once I'd confirmed she wasn't home again. "1, 2, 3," I counted out loud. I still couldn't bring myself to knock. I raised my fist and dropped it. I didn't know why I was freaking out so much. The odds of her being here were minimal but that almost felt just as hard. I had to psyche myself up to see her or to get proof that I never was going to see her. At this rate, Andrew was probably going to be out of school before I knocked.

It wasn't until a woman tightly holding the hand of a little kid that looked maybe two or three in one hand and what looked like ten bags of groceries in her other hand stood at the edge of the hallway watching me warily that I abruptly stopped my anxious pacing and walked up to my mom's apartment. Feeling the woman's eyes on me, I forced myself to knock on the door.

A frazzled voice immediately called out, "just a second."

When the door opened, I was taken aback by how much she still looked like my mom. I guess I expected her to look as different as I felt. I'd seen pictures while we'd been chasing her across the country, so I shouldn't have been that surprised. Her hair was pulled up into a giant bun on the top of her head. She was dressed like she'd been painting. She probably had been. I didn't try to look behind her. I took in the impossibility that after so long of trying to find her, she was finally standing in front of me.

"Mom," I breathed.

Despite all the anger and pain and loss that seeing her filled me with, I didn't resist when she pulled me into a hug. I didn't resist, but I didn't react either. Her arms felt foreign to me.

I could tell from how she was shaking that she was crying. "Mia, you've gotten so big," she whispered. She held me tightly. "I'm so sorry, bug."

Her old nickname for me broke me. Sobs tore from my chest as I hugged her back.

I knew we had many, many long and tough conversations ahead of us but, for a moment, I was more than happy to lose myself in the illusion that I had my mom back. For however fleeting the moment might be, I wanted to hold on to it.

- . - . - . - . -

Benji's POV

Victor was still avoiding me. He claimed that he had to watch Adrian after school yesterday, but he hadn't asked me to come over, so I knew he wasn't ready to talk about this.

When our anniversary rolled around, I really wasn't sure what was going to happen. The original plan had been to drive to Lake Lanier yesterday to celebrate the last day of school and enjoy a couple of days away at the cabin. Once we'd found out about my tour, Victor had suggested we move it to Saturday and stay until Tuesday. I hoped that was still the plan, but he wasn't answering my texts.

I'd yet to get out of bed even though it was after 12, and I was kind of waiting for a reason to put in the effort today. I had so much trouble believing Victor was upset enough about Derek rejoining the band to ignore me on our anniversary. I flopped back against my bed and tossed my phone. In a feat of physics I couldn't explain, it somehow managed to bounce all the way from the middle of my bed to the edge before it fell on the floor. "Benji," my mom called.

"What?" I shouted back.

"Would you come here?" she asked.

"One second." I closed my eyes. The very last thing I wanted to do was pretend to be excited about whatever my mom had planned to take my mind off of Victor.

"Or I can just come to you."

I sat up in my bed and looked where he was standing in my doorway. He'd been to my house hundreds of times, but he looked out of place right now. "Derek? What are you doing here?"

"I felt like we should talk."

I sighed. It was probably overdue. "Yeah. You're probably right."

He sat down on the edge of my bed. It was another thing that had once been so normal to me and now seemed odd and foreign. "I don't want this to be weird," he said after a full, long, agonizing minute had passed. "I'm not going because of you; I'm going because this is too big of an opportunity to say no to."

"I get that," I told him. I clutched my hands in front of me. "I don't want this to be weird either. Is there a way for it to not be weird? Can we do that?"

Derek sighed. "I hope so. It won't be easy. Part of me wants to say we'll stay out of each other's way, but this only works if we can figure out how to be in each other's way." I nodded. "What went down between us… it was a year ago. A year ago today."

"You caught that, huh?"

"I actually didn't," he said. "But someone else did. It doesn't matter. Look, we were together for thirteen months. We can't pretend we weren't but… we didn't fall in love. We weren't meant to be." I stared at him because that was so unexpected. "I guess I just want you to know that I know we're not right for each other."

"That's not what you said the last time we talked."

"Yeah, well, I'd just found out you cheated on me and you were telling me that you were breaking up with me because you deserved to be with someone that liked you for you. Then you immediately started dating someone new. Like, within minutes of breaking up with me." I hung my head. I saw what happened that night very differently, but he was right.

"I'm sorry about that," I told him.

"You shouldn't be. I mean, be sorry that you cheated because the moment you didn't tell me, I knew you felt something." Derek kept talking, but I couldn't hear him because suddenly all I could think about was how Victor told me right away when he and Rahim kissed. He'd been honest with me and, while I still felt angry whenever I thought about it, I wasn't angry with Victor. A big part of the reason I knew I could trust him was because he'd told me about it and had let me know exactly how he felt about it. Still shitty but not as bad. Despite the fact that we'd been together for over a year, this was the first time I felt like I understood Derek. If Victor hadn't told me about Rahim… I never would have trusted him again if I found out.

Derek looked at me weirdly, and it took me a second to realize he'd asked me a question. "Sorry, what?"

"Do you think we can do this? Put aside however we might have felt in the past and start fresh?"

"I think we can try," I told him.

"Good. I'll, uh, see you on Wednesday."

I nodded and climbed out of my bed to walk him out. When we got down to the first floor, Victor was standing by my parents. He turned to see me and his smile tightened just slightly when he saw Derek. I instantly felt anxious because I knew what this must've looked like.

He shook Derek's hand before Derek left. "I swear. That was nothing," I said once the door closed.

"I know. I called him and asked him to talk to you. He gave me a ride here."

"You… what?" I asked uncertainly. I hadn't even realized that Victor had Derek's number.

"We know you need to talk and get on the road. Drive safely." My dad passed Victor his keys.

My mom hugged me. "Have fun. We'll see you on Tuesday. In time for his going away party." She shot Victor a slightly annoyed look that I couldn't understand.

A flirty smile crossed Victor's face. I hated that it worked and practically made my mom swoon. "Don't worry. We'll be back in time. I promise." She hugged Victor before she and my dad climbed up the stairs.

"What was that about?" I asked.

"She wanted it to be a surprise, but after your birthday… I didn't think you'd like that very much. I won part of the battle, so you got to find out, but she insisted you couldn't find out until we were about to leave, so you couldn't come up with an excuse to not go." I chuckled. "Is that what you're wearing? It's fine if it is. We're not going out anywhere. Just wanted to check before we left."

"So, we're still going to Lake Lanier?"

"Of course," he said like it was obvious.

"Okay, because you avoided me all day yesterday and this morning. And then you just showed up here with Derek?"

"I'm sorry. I'll explain everything in the car."

- . - . - . - . -

Victor's POV

I thought Benji was going to refuse at first, but fifteen minutes later, we were on the road. I waited for him to bombard me with questions, but he didn't. "I didn't want to go into our anniversary with this thing with Derek hanging over our heads," I said when we were about thirty minutes into our drive. "I got Derek's number from Lucy and asked him if we could meet up. That's why I didn't talk to you yesterday. I was really watching Adrian, but we met up with Derek."

"I can't believe he agreed to that."

I shrugged. I was never going to be Derek's biggest fan, but he wasn't a bad guy. "He felt bad for everything that went wrong between the two of you. I know he already told you this, but he knew for a long time that you weren't going to work out. He just… liked being with you."

He looked surprised. "Did he?"

"Yeah. He said he was going to tell you that." I took my eyes off the road for a second to study Benji.

"Red light!"

I slammed on the brakes. "Sorry."

"If you were with Derek last night, why were you ignoring me today?"

"I wasn't," I promised him. I'd already made the drive to and from Lake Lanier today. "You can't know what I was doing yet, but I promise, you'll find out soon."

"I thought you said you weren't surprising me," he protested.

I couldn't help my laughter. "I vetoed a surprise party with your family. This is different; you'll like this surprise."

He crossed his arms, and I could feel him watching me. "I didn't like not talking to you. Your dad really freaked me out when he texted me on Thursday. And then you spent almost two days avoiding me."

"I know. I'm sorry." I drummed my thumbs on the steering wheel. "I wish I had a good excuse, but you going away with Derek…" I sighed. "I am so excited for you, and I am so proud of you, but I'm also terrified to spend the summer away from you. I believe in us, so I know we're going to be okay, but I wish we could always be together and that we didn't have to deal with stuff like this."

"Me too," he said quietly.

We pulled up to his cabin twenty minutes later. When we dropped our bags off in the bedroom, he stared at the bed. "Were the rose petals too much?" I asked. "I really wanted to make this weekend special. I've never had a first anniversary before, and I know your last one… wasn't the best, so I wanted to pull out all of the stops. I'm hoping this will be my only first anniversary."

"I hope this will be my last," he whispered. He wrapped his arms around me. "I love the rose petals. They're very romantic. How did you even do this?"

"My mom let me borrow her car and your mom gave me a key." I held up my keychain that now held a key to my apartment, the key to my bedroom, and a small silver key to the cabin. I'd been flattered and surprised and a little overwhelmed when she'd told me I should hold onto it. "I drove here at 6 and set up. It'll look better once it's dark."

"This is amazing." He kissed me gently. "What's on the agenda?"

"Whatever you want," I told him. We ended up going swimming until it was time to make dinner.

After dinner, I led him out to the little porch outside of our bedroom. The sun had long since gone down. There was something special about how many stars we could see from here. "Wait, what's this?" he asked.

"Your anniversary gift." I led him to a chair that was in front of the telescope I borrowed from Felix - I would be forever grateful that he just casually had a telescope because he went through an astronomy phase in middle school. "Do you remember one of our dates over the summer where we went to Piedmont Park after we closed?"

"Where we came up with random names for constellations that don't exist?"

"Yeah." I double-checked that I had the coordinates typed correctly. "Look."

"What am I looking at?" he asked. He leaned in close and squinted through the

"Do you see that star? According to Felix, it should be kind of zoomed in on it and right in the middle." When I'd tested it out, I thought it looked okay, but I'd tried it during the bright morning, so it was hard to tell.

"Yes," he said slowly.

"That's Venji."

He froze and slowly pulled back from the telescope. "Venji," he repeated.

"Yes." I pulled the bag from behind his chair. "I wanted to do something to show you that… even if we don't know what's going to happen this summer or our senior year or after we graduate, we're going to be okay. You need to chase your dream, and I need to chase mine, but you will always be part of my dream, Benji. Even as you figure out your music and I figure out basketball, you will always be part of the future I'm working towards. I really believe that you're my person. This was the best way I could think of to put our names together forever… or at least for a couple million years." I pulled out the frame with the certificate of our star and knelt in front of him. "When being apart gets tough, we only need to look up to know that we're together, even if it's not in person."

He looked back up at the night sky before he looked back at me. "You named a star after us… a star you named Venji." I nodded. Felix had started a poll for people to vote on our couple-name on creeksecrets and people had been surprisingly opinionated about it. Venji had won so that's what I went with. He gingerly took the certificate from me and held it like it was highly breakable. He was quiet for such a long time as he looked at it, I really started to think I did something wrong.

Finally, he turned to me and I was surprised to see he was crying. It wasn't a full-blown sob, but it was obvious… partially because Benji's whole face got red when he cried. "What's wrong?"

He shook his head. "Nothing. Seriously. This is… the most perfect gift anyone has ever given me."

"Then why are you crying?" I asked.

"Everything about my future scares me… except for you. I am going to miss you so much this summer, and I feel so lucky that we can do this… that we can chase our dreams without giving up on each other." He shifted out of his chair so he was kneeling in front of me. "I love you, Victor. Like a lot."

"I love you too," I whispered.

When he brought his lips to mine, I let my eyes flicker shut. For a few minutes, I let myself forget about the scary future looming ahead of us, and I just focused on this little piece of the present that belonged to Benji and me.

A/N: I know I said this would be ten chapters, but I might write a companion story with everyone's summer if anyone's interested in reading about that. I only planned out ten chapters, but ideas for their summer keep coming to me, so lemme know! I hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it!