Chapter 3

Hitomi had no choice. Her mother told her the story of her grandmother, and as much of what she knew from the time Hitomi was away as she was able to understand. Hitomi told her mother of Gaea, and of Van, of what she had left behind. When she had finished, they sat in silence for a long while, Hitomi's mother holding her hand. When her mother finally spoke, it was with sadness but also with conviction.

"You no longer belong here do you?" Hitomi was startled. That was not the response she had expected. She had dreaded her mother pleading with her not to go back, and worrying that she would. "You're grandmother never really belonged here either. Even though her body was here, and she cared for us, her mind was always far away, like it was in another world. When she told me about her visit to another world as a youth, it seemed like that was more real to her than her life here ever had been. She had not only fallen in love with a man, but with a whole world, and nothing here could compare. I believe that when she gave you her pendant, she was giving you that love as well, and the chance to realize it that she never had."

Hitomi wasn't sure how to respond. It seemed almost as if her mother was giving her permission to return to Gaea. Did she even want to go? She could feel Van in the back of her mind. The feeling was plaintive but not eager. He wasn't going to push her to come back. He couldn't hide his feelings of wanting her to though. That wasn't just her imagination.

"I could feel you while you were on Gaea, Hitomi." Her mother squeezed her hand. "It wasn't all good, but you were happy there, in a way I haven't seen you happy since."

"What about school, and track? What about all of the growing up I still need to do? Aren't you supposed to tell me how I have a responsibility to stay? I'm not even sixteen yet!" The knot in Hitomi's chest that had nearly disappeared in the time she had been home was suddenly back. She couldn't contain the feelings in her chest. Tears welled up in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. It would have been so easy if her mother had asked her not to go back. It would have been fine if it all could have faded into history, something in her youth she could hang onto as she grew old. Something she could remember as she got married and had children and grandchildren of her own... No. That wasn't her future. Somehow she had known it all along, but it would have been easy to live it.

The love that had pulled her back to Gaea the first time, that had destroyed the Zaibach empire, that had destroyed the indestructible fate alteration machine, was once again calling her. It pulled at her from inside. She realized it hadn't really ever stopped pulling, she had just decided to ignore it.

"Hitomi. I'm not saying I won't miss you. I missed you so much while you were gone. I worried, a lot. So did your friends. And it's your choice. If you want to stay, I will support you, and love you all the same, and do everything I can to help you be happy here... but I don't think it could ever be enough."

Hitomi leaped from the bed to face her mother.

"Don't you think that's for me to decide, Mom? I've been through so much. I've seen so much death... Gaea was a world of war and strife for me. I can see things I don't want to see, and all around me there is only pain! How could I want to go back to that? How could I want to leave you and Yukari, and my life here? How could I want to leave the peace and quiet of home? Van is important to me, but I can still feel his pain every day! I was hoping in time it would fade, and it had begun to, but it's back, and it hurts! It hurts all the more because I don't know if I even can go back! Now you have planted the seed of being able to return and I don't know if I can. I don't know if it's possible. Yes! I want to go back to Van! Of course I do..." With that Hitomi broke completely. Everything she had been holding inside, all of her pain and hopes since the pillar of light had placed her on the front steps of the Kanzaki residence were spilling out.

Van was there with her. It was almost as clear as if he was in the room with her. His feelings were turbulent, but he seemed to be pushing the thought no matter what, I'll be waiting into her mind. Or was that just her imagination? Did she have a responsibility to him as well?

"Mother... I don't know if there's any way I can go back. I no longer have the pendant that connected me to Gaea... I don't know how..." Hitomi sat back down beside her mother, and leaned against her. Her mother put a comforting arm around her and held her tight.

"If all you say is true, if you can still feel Van's thoughts and feelings, like I could when you were away, then there must still be a connection between you and Gaea. Van is your connection. Maybe there is a way he can reach you."

Hitomi was exhausted by the flood of emotions, and possibilities. Her mother left her, and Hitomi cried silently into her pillow until she began to drift to sleep. Tomorrow would be a new day. Yukari knew, her mother knew and, most important of all, Hitomi finally knew that she would not be staying on Earth forever. Van was waiting.

The following weeks and months passed with little disturbance. Hitomi finished the school year, and devoted all of her free time to discovering anything she could about Draconians and their connection to Earth. Even with the fate-alteration-machine destroyed, the ancient Draconian power of will still existed within all people of Earth, whether they knew it or not. Hitomi read everything she could about the lost city of Atlantis, but most of what she found was too far removed from what she knew to be true to be of any use. Yukari helped as much as she could, but she didn't have the knowledge and memories of Atlantis and the Draconians that Hitomi did.

Hitomi spent a lot of time with her mother as well, but never talked about her research or her attempts to return to Gaea if she could help it. While her mother was in support of her returning, and wished only happiness for her, Hitomi could see the pain in her mother's eyes any time the subject came up. She decided it was best to spend whatever time they had together in joy instead of sadness. Neither Hitomi nor her mother ever mentioned her intentions to the rest of the family.

As fall neared, Hitomi considered whether or not there was any reason for her to continue attending school. Her mother convinced her she should, since they had no way of knowing when Hitomi would find a way back, or if she ever would, and that it would be best if she was properly prepared for either outcome. Hitomi spent an increasing amount of time with her tarot cards, hoping they might lead her to an answer. For the first time in her memory her cards seemed to be telling her nothing. She got no visions from them, no dreams, and the readings themselves made no sense.

Since the fated conversation with her mother, Hitomi had felt very little from Van as well. She couldn't tell if it was because he was now contented to wait, or because their connection had somehow weakened. She tried many times to call to him, to request he come take her back. He was the one with both the pendant and energists after all, and he was the one that brought her back the last time, but she got no response to her plaintiff calls, not even a feeling. This worried her more than her lack of progress, or her lack of success with her tarot.

As time went on, as the school year began again and Hitomi was thrown back into normal life once more, she began feeling once again that all she had seen and experience had all just been a dream. She felt so little from Van that it was very easy to dismiss it as her imagination. The one thing she could not dismiss was the tight pain she felt in her chest. Other than that she didn't feel much of anything at all. She went through each day consciously trying to remember what the faces of her friends on Gaea looked like. It was as if her remembering meant that they still existed, that it wasn't all a dream, but her memories were fading despite her efforts.

All she had left of Gaea now was an emptiness, and the pain she felt when she thought of Van.

Hitomi's sixteenth birthday came and went. Yukari threw a small celebration in her honor. Hitomi did her best to appear appreciative and happy, but in her heart she just felt empty.

Even in her dreams Hitomi couldn't find solace. On one rare night she did dream of Gaea. It was dark, and a hot wind blew across the fields of Fanelia. It was like seeing Fanelia after Zaibach's first attack, only not as much of the city was destroyed. Hitomi saw what she thought might be dragons in the distance, and other large shapes moving on the horizon. Gaea at war? But the war was over. Hitomi stood in the center of the city. There was death and destruction all around. There was no sound, but she could see people in the distance running and screaming. She stood in Asturia and saw the palace in ruins. She stood in Zaibach and saw red on the horizon. There were large melefs, and strange creatures roaming the streets. The wind grew increasingly intense until finally Hitomi woke up.

What was she seeing? Was this a nightmare from her time on Gaea? Or was it a vision? Hitomi quickly got out of bed arranged her tarot cards. For the first time in many months Hitomi could feel a connection to her cards. Before even turning over the first card, Hitomi knew what she would find. The Tower. Destruction, turbulence. Was Gaea in trouble again? She had felt nothing from Van to indicate that Fanelia was in trouble. She was sure if any of this was real that she would have felt him if something was wrong. Perhaps it hadn't happened yet. Perhaps it never would. Perhaps this is the future if she were to return to Gaea. The pain twisted in Hitomi's chest. She could not bare the thought that her efforts to return to Gaea could cause such an outcome. Hitomi threw her cards aside.

Whatever happened now, Hitomi could not let Gaea fall to war again. It would not be her will that harmed that beautiful world. Why was pain the only thing she could feel now?

Each day after her dream Hitomi felt more and more distant from her everyday activities. She no longer cared about her homework or her performance on the track team. She couldn't feel Van at all most of the time. She would call out in her thoughts, but she never got any response. The world had become a colorless, tasteless remnant of what it once had been.

One morning Hitomi found herself on the roof of one of the buildings at her school. She had a note at her feet, placed delicately next to her shoes. She walked to the edge of the roof, just so her toes hung over the edge. Her socked feet could feel the breeze as it rushed up the wall and over the edge of the building.

"Mother was right. I don't belong here. But I can't get back there." She took a deep breath. The air smelled crisp, fall was coming. "Van, why don't you answer? Why can't I feel you anymore? Was it all just a dream? Am I just crazy?"

Hitomi inched her toes over the edge of the building. She curled them just a little bit as if she was holding on. "I don't want to cause anyone any more pain… I don't want to feel any more pain…"

Hitomi put her arms up and began to slowly allow herself to lean forward.

NOO!

"NOO!"

Hitomi stopped. That wasn't just the voice of Yukari… She felt it too. She felt it in her bones.

"Hitomi! What are you doing?!" Yukari rushed up behind Hitomi and pulled her back from the edge. "Don't you DARE scare me like that!"

Yukari hugged Hitomi for a moment, then let her go when she was sure it was safe. As she walked around she noticed the envelope sitting by Hitomi's shoes. Hitomi tried to prevent her from picking it up, but Yukari dodged her and snatched the note from the ground.

"My Dear Yukari, I don't belong here. Please forgive me. Goodbye." Yukari looked up at Hitomi. "Hitomi, you wouldn't really… please tell me this was just another attempt to get back to Gaea."

Hitomi looked at her feet. "I couldn't do it anyway… I think… I think Van wont let me."

"Yukari, I don't think I'll ever find a way… at this point I don't even know if I should. I've been having dreams."

"Dreams?"

"Of Gaea in ruins again… I'm worried that it's a premonition of what will happen if I return."

"And if you can't return… you can't go on here… Oh Hitomi, we'll find a way! I promise we'll find a way.. just…" Yukari had tears in her eyes, and her voice was shaking. Hitomi wished she could cry.

Hitomi quit the track team late in the fall. She found no more joy in it than she found in anything else, and it took precious time away from searching for a way back. Her dreams continued, but mercifully did not progress. She was afraid, however, that she was truly beginning to forget the faces of her friends. It had now been six months since Hitomi returned to earth. She could barely remember what the green hills of Fanelia smelled like, and she did not have any more information as to how she could return than she had when she first started her research.

Hitomi went with Yukari to school, sat through her classes, and rode the train with Yukari home. Yukari would talk about her days, about Amano, about track, about anything except the only thing that was on Hitomi's mind. Hitomi spent her evenings with her books about Atlantis.

One night she became so frustrated that she threw the book she was reading at the wall. "Van, why won't you help! Why can't I feel you at all! I miss you… I haven't felt you since…" Hitomi had heard him that day. She was sure of it. If it hadn't been for him she might actually have done it.

The idea struck her. Yukari had said it then, and she didn't even think about it. If she did it… if she jumped… Maybe… just maybe… that would be enough for Van to rescue her. It would be a desperate act, and it would only have two possible outcomes, but just maybe it would work. For the first time in several months, Hitomi no longer felt empty. She was filled with a deadly conviction. She couldn't do it from the school this time though, she needed to find someplace higher up. She needed to be sure.

Hitomi did not go to school the next day. Now that she had made her decision, she wasn't going to need school either way. Yukari noticed her absence and made her way to Hitomi's house immediately after track practice.

Yukari knocked on the front door.

The door opened to reveal Hitomi's mother. She seemed worried, but in relatively good spirits.

"Hello Yukari. Hitomi is in her room. She said she was ill this morning, but she has seemed more energetic and active than I have seen her in a long time. I'm glad you're here."

Yukari went upstairs to Hitomi's room and knocked. "Hitomi? Can I come in?"

Hitomi opened the door. There was definitely more life and conviction in her eyes than Yukari had seen recently. Something was definitely up, and Yukari had one guess as to what it was.

"Did you find a way?" She wanted to be happy for her friend, but her heart sank at the thought of losing her. She had no way of knowing how long Hitomi would be gone this time if she went back.

Hitomi didn't smile, she didn't even look particularly happy, but there was an intensity about her that made Yukari nervous. "I think I have… it's the only way I can think of."

Hitomi pulled Yukari into her room. "This weekend it will happen, one way or another. I know it. I can feel it."

"How?"

Hitomi looked Yukari straight in the eyes. Their gaze held for a moment, until Hitomi looked away. The intense passion was evident, but there was a sadness Yukari could see that hadn't been there until now. There was something else as well… fear.

"Hitomi… How?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Why not? I could help you!" Yukari was beginning to get scared herself.

"I can't tell you because… because you might try to stop me… because I don't want you to be there."

Now Yukari knew for sure they had a problem. Hitomi was going to try something crazy, and Yukari wasn't sure there was any way she would be able to stop her, or even if she should.

"I'm glad you're here Yukari. I wanted to get to talk to you before I go. I wanted to thank you. You've been the best friend anyone could have, and I've been awful…"

"You haven't, you've been a good friend, you've just been hurting."

"No… I've been distant and selfish and I have hurt you. If I don't go back I will hurt everyone around me. In Gaea my feelings brought pain and suffering in the form of violence and war, but I was also able to help. Here my presence only brings sadness and stagnation. I have to go. I just wanted you to know how much your friendship has meant to me. I will never forget you."

"Idiot! You're hurting me now! Let me help! Tell me what you plan to do! " Yukari began to cry.

"This is exactly what I mean… I can't do anything right anymore. For the first time, in a long time, I don't feel empty anymore… but if I stay the emptiness will come back. I'm leaving this weekend. I'm sorry Yukari. Don't tell my mother. When I disappear, she'll know why."

Yukari could tell there was nothing more to be said. She hugged Hitomi, then quickly got up and left.

Hitomi really was sorry. She hated to see the pain she was causing Yukari, but it couldn't be helped. She had made her decision, and steeled her conviction. All she had to do was get to the weekend. She returned to her desk and began to write a letter to her mother.

On Saturday morning, Yukari hid across the street from Hitomi's house. She had decided this was the only way. If Hitomi didn't go anywhere today, Yukari would wait again tomorrow. She only hoped she wasn't already too late.

The sun slowly moved across the sky. Minutes seemed like hours, and Yukari's sleepless night was catching up with her. Then she saw the door to Hitomi's house open.

Hitomi was dressed modestly in shorts and one of her old track T-Shirts. She had her old duffle bag, and it appeared to be very full. Hitomi looked quickly around and began on her way. Yukari made extra sure she couldn't be seen, and began to follow her friend.

Hitomi boarded the train that would take her to the city. Yukari boarded several doors down to make sure she wasn't seen, but still close enough to keep an eye on Hitomi.

The stop Hitomi exited on was in a part of town that Yukari was not as familiar with. It was near the factory district, but was far less populated. There were many abandoned buildings, and only a few people wandering the streets. The ones that were out and about did not seem like the sort one would want to meet alone. Yukari tried to keep a little closer to Hitomi just in case.

Hitomi entered one of the older buildings. Yukari followed.

The building was quiet and the floorboards were old, so Yukari had to keep farther behind to prevent herself from being discovered. Hitomi headed for the stairs. Yukari continued to follow her as quietly as possible.

Up one floor, two, three… they climbed all the way to the 10th floor of the old building. At this level some old renovations had been abandoned in the middle of work. There were large sections of the wall that had yet to be replaced, and old scaffolding that still clung to the outside of the building. The early afternoon sun scattered shadows all along the floor and against the walls of the open space. Hitomi slowly walked out towards one of the openings in the walls. She set her bag down and crouched for a moment, with her back to Yukari, and her arms around her legs. She seemed like she may be crying.

Yukari didn't know what to do. Hitomi stood up again, shouldered her duffle and walked toward the edge.

At that moment, Yukari knew exactly what Hitomi was planning to do. She shot out from the stairwell.

"Hitomi!" Hitomi spun around at the ledge to face the sound.

"Yukari…. Yukari what are you doing here?!" She looked stunned.

"I had to know! I wanted to help… Hitomi, don't do this! If it doesn't work…"

"I know…" The two girls were silent for a moment.

"Why…?" Yukari could barely speak. Her throat had begun to close up with the effort of not crying.

"It's the only way I could think of. The last time I tried… was really just to end it all… but… when you stopped me, you weren't the only one. I heard Van. It was the only time in a long time I heard Van. It was proof he could still feel me…" Hitomi paused. Her voice was shaking. " I thought… no, I know… If I do this, either he feels it and he comes for me, or…" Hitomi didn't have to end her sentence. Both girls knew exactly what came after "or".

There was nothing for Yukari to say. She knew her friend well enough to know her conviction.

"Say goodbye to Amano for me. You two were really the only people I could talk to. You were the only people who could understand." Hitomi took a couple steps backwards towards the ledge.

"Hitomi!" Yukari reached out, but there was nothing she could think to do. There was no way she would reach the ledge in time to stop her. How could this be happening?

Hitomi looked at Yukari through sad eyes. Please Van.. come for me. Hear me. If there was ever a time I needed you to really hear me… this is it. Hitomi stepped backwards. She could feel the edge of the ledge under her heel. This was it. No turning back. She steadied herself, and solidified her resolve. She put her arms around her duffle and held it tightly against her. Yukari was reaching out to her. Hitomi could see tears streaming down her friend's cheeks. She could feel a trickle running down her own face. She couldn't hear anything though. It was as if the world was holding its breath. Van…

"I love you Yukari."

Hitomi let herself fall backwards.