Just How Much I Care

Chapter One: Not One of Us

Author's Note: This story contains depictions of non-sexual F/f disciplinary spanking. If that's not your jam, go find some jelly. Canon-esque, set after S1:E9 "Death in Chains" and S1:E10 "Hooves and Harlots" If you need an introduction to this sordid little world, see Rule Number Three.

It had been four days since we'd departed Sisyphus's castle, and Gabrielle was, thank the Gods, finally beginning to act like herself again. Her grief had been so raw and palpable after Death had claimed her young friend Talus: it had almost felt like it was my own grief. I had so rarely considered the mourning of others. Those I had dared to care for in the past-M'Lila, Anokin, Akemi, Lao Ma, Borias, Solan, Marcus-they had been lost to me in some way or another; I had never felt their grief, only my own loss. I had felt so helpless in the face of Gabrielle's sorrow, and had no choice but to feel it with her.. When she had turned to me in her anguish, as Death led Talus from this realm, I had scarcely known what to do. As I put my arms around her quaking shoulders, I felt my own tears come inexplicably for a boy that I did not know at all, who only ever mattered to me because he had mattered to her.

She had been unpredictable in the days that followed. The first night, she had been so distraught, so utterly heartbroken, that I'd made her take a sleeping draught. I put her to bed and stood vigil as she waited, weeping, for the draught to take effect. She had not known Talus long, but it was clear that he had been a kindred spirit. In their time together, they had shared something sweet and genuine, perhaps even the tender love of the young that didn't need time. I forgot sometimes that Gabrielle was still only seventeen, with all the passion and recklessness of that age. She'd woken the next day in a terrible mood, confused as to how and why he had to die. She was angry at him for not telling her he was so ill and that his time was so near. But because she could not be angry at a dead boy, she flung her rage at me. Why had I saved Death when I knew that she would come for Talus? Why didn't I stop her from taking him? She surely understood why I had done so, but she did not yet accept it.

After we'd left the castle, not knowing what to do with all her emotions, she'd tried her best to provoke me. She knew she should have been in hot water for disobeying my direct order to stay behind with Talus in the village and stay out of trouble while I dealt with King Sisiphus, and when I let it go, she wasn't relieved, only angry. When I simply told her she needed to trust me to take care of myself next time, she shouted at me-something she had never done before. Gods be damned, Xena, make up your mind! Am I supposed to do what you say or not? Decide if you care or don't! It was true enough that two days prior I had been absolutely incensed to find out that she and Talus had broken into the castle, both trying to play the hero. In the moments after I rescued her sorry hide from Toxeus's clutches, it was all I could do to restrain myself from treating her to an immediate and very public comeuppance for so needlessly putting her life in danger. But then she'd lost him, and all my anger and fear faded away, and there was only her anguish. I saw her suffering and knew that she had only disobeyed me because she thought my life was in jeopardy, not casually as she had done before. We would need to talk about it later, but I wouldn't hold her accountable when she was in such a state.

But she had not wanted the mercy. She wanted a distraction from her grief, to feel something else, even if it was pain. I knew the impulse so well, and I was, for a moment, torn at what to do. In the end, I knew that she just needed something steady. I could give her that. She'd raged at me at our evening fire, and finally, in her tantrum, threw the still warm frying pan at my head after I'd stopped trying to respond to her accusations and entreaties. Ducking to the side, I stalked around the fire, grabbed her by the arm and gave her two symbolic swats, before hauling her to my bedroll and holding her to me until she sobbed herself to sleep.

Since then she had oscillated between sullen silences and effusive remembrances of Talus, but she was slowly coming back as the days passed. That morning, after breakfast, she'd been on the subdued side, so I'd sent her off on a mission to find a staff, only I'd told her it was to be a walking stick.

"It should be just about shoulder height, straight as you can find, and should fit into the circle made by your thumb and forefinger."

"Why do I need a walking stick? Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise. Just do it."

When she'd gone off, I turned to Argo and sighed: "What are we getting ourselves into, girl?"

I decided it was time to teach Gabrielle to defend herself. It had been three full seasons since she'd joined me, and, despite periodic lapses in judgment, she had proven time and time again that she was smart and capable. She had already mastered basic hand-to-hand self-defense. She had matured and become less rash, more thoughtful and considered. The long days on the road had added muscle tone to her otherwise scrawny frame. A staff would not draw unnecessary attention to the girl. It would stun, perhaps maim, long enough for her to run from any would-be attackers.

An hour later, I turned to find her hobbling up the ridge with her new walking stick. She held it out triumphantly, and I took it, giving it a few twirls to check the balance, before pulling out the shiny little dagger from beneath my breastplate. Gabrielle always gulped a little when the breast dagger was brought out, perhaps remembering the day she'd bought it perhaps five months earlier-not for me, but for herself, despite being forbidden to touch or carry weapons-and of the long "hands on" discussion we'd had on the matter afterwards. I held the knife out to her.

"Use this to scrape off the bark and any rough places. Remember to slide the knife away from you like I've shown you. I'd rather not have to stitch you up today."

She rolled her eyes good humoredly and took the knife. As she worked, I packed up camp and got Argo ready for the day. When I joined her again, she was trying to suppress a grin. I sat beside her on the fallen log, holding out my hand for the stick.

"Looks good," I said.

"This isn't for walking, is it, Xena?" she said, a hopeful smile now spreading across her face.

"Nope. Well, I suppose it could be for that too. But no, Gabrielle. I've given it a lot of thought, and I think you are ready for your first weapon."

"A stick?"

"A staff."

"Right, a staff," she said, taking it from me again, with a sense of purpose this time. "And you're going to teach me how to use it?"

"For today, and probably a few days, you just hold it. You need to get used to its weight and balance. As we walk you should practice tossing it between one hand and the other. Your arms will feel the strain, but stop before you get blisters on your hands. Be aware of it at all times, even when you aren't holding it."

She nodded, standing up to test it out. She turned to a tree, holding the staff in its center, and swung it around to whack the side of the tree. The force of the strike sent the other end of the staff into her side. She dropped the staff and fell to the ground gasping. I rolled my eyes.

"C'mon," I said, pulling her up by the arm. "Get up. Don't try to run before you can walk, kid."

She brushed herself off sheepishly and retrieved the staff.

"I mean it, Gabrielle. Right now you just get used to the feel of it. Don't go assaulting the trees." She nodded demurely, and then, without warning, launched herself at my middle.

"Thank you, Xena," she said, pressing her cheek to my chest and squeezing the breath from me. I was secretly pleased at the return of this more lively Gabrielle after so many days of solemn brooding, but I pried her off me.

"Don't thank me, just don't make me regret it."

"I won't. I promise!"

I couldn't believe my luck. Xena was going to teach me how to fight! Not just to escape from a headlock or block an attack from a brute, but to actually fight. I was less excited about the prospect of learning to use the staff than the mere fact that Xena felt I was finally ready after all this time. My heart leapt with gratitude and the desire to prove myself worthy of her trust, especially after the way I'd been behaving over the past few days.

As I tossed the staff back and forth, following behind Argo as Xena led her through the dense forest, the muscles of my shoulders and forearms began to burn, and yet I felt a weight lifting from my body at the same time. Talus' death had shocked me to my core. He was so young, so good and kind. It was not fair that he should be taken by death alongside Toxeus and those goons with him. His gentleness and attentiveness had reminded me of Perdicus, or rather, what Perdicus could have been-could still be-if only he could break free of his family and the impetus to conform in all things. For a moment, when he had kissed me, I thought perhaps that...well it didn't matter now. He was gone. My grief was for the injustice of his loss, and the lost possibilities of his life, not for his physical presence. I had thought I might long for him in the same way that I longed for Xena's presence when she was away more than a few days without me. But I didn't. There was only sadness now.

We were headed to Didymoteicho, taking the long way to avoid going anywhere near Troy, where the war was still raging. It took us through dense forests that I was unfamiliar with. The air felt close and I always got the sense that I was being watched from above. By mid-day we had started to come across large wreaths of feathers dangling from tree branches.

"What are those things hanging from the trees," I asked, skipping to catch up with Xena.

"No trespassing signs," she said. "We're in Amazon country now."

My heart leapt with excitement. I had never met an Amazon before, only heard wild stories of their fierce and ruthless combat skills, their disdain for men and boys, their rigid laws, and love of learning. When I was little, Lilla and I would play Amazons in secret, after my father forbade any mention of those unnatural women.

"Oh, Xena, do you think we'll see any?"

"You can count on it," she said, and it didn't sound like she was looking forward to it.

No sooner had she spoken, than the air suddenly moved around us and no less than ten arrows found their marks on the ground, making a circle around our feet. I waited for Xena to spring into action, gripping my new staff tightly, but instead Xena drove her sword into the earth in front of her and clasped her hands together in the air above her head, nodding for me to do the same. When the masked figures descended spider-like from the trees above us, I moved closer to Xena. There were at least ten of them, all clad in soft suede covered by hard leather armor, not so different to Xena's. One of the figures stepped forward, and I could feel Xena tense beside me, but when she spoke, her voice was soft and lilting, as if she was about to laugh.

"You know the Amazon symbol of peace," she said.

"We would like safe passage through your hunting grounds," Xena replied quickly. The Amazon lifted her black horned mask back, and I nearly gasped. Her hair fell down in tight auburn curls, her neck adorned in a collar of shells and beads, and she looked at us with stunning hazel eyes. She looked both fierce and somehow gentle, and when she smiled at us, I was immediately put at ease, even while the other Amazons, now unmasked, still looked daggers at us.

"My name is Terreis," she said, looking at Xena. "You know the Amazon ways, and yet you are not one of us."

Xena nodded, giving her own name. Terreis turned to me, looking me up and down, an indulgent grin on her face. "And you, my dear, are really not one of us."

Caught between embarrassment and excitement, I stode forward and went for levity: "Hey now, don't judge a scroll by its paper!"

Xena grabbed my shoulder to pull me away, but Terreis laughed, a soft, simple laugh that made her eyes crinkle. I smiled back at her.

"I can see you are braver than you look." She glanced up at Xena briefly with a conspiratorial smile, before the Amazon behind her stepped forward. She was also beautiful, with short blond hair that fell around her face in spirals, but she exuded a grumpy energy, not that unlike Xena's.

"They invaded our territory without leave. We should take them to see Queen Melosa," the Amazon said, gruffly. Terreis acknowledged her, but turned back to us, still calm and friendly.

"Ephiny is right. Queen Melosa must decide," she said, but when she caught my wary glance, she reached out to touch my shoulder. "Don't worry, little one. She's fair."

I didn't like pet names, as a rule, especially ones meant to remind me of my youth, but I could tell she had not meant it condescendingly. She was older than Xena, old enough to be my mother really. It made me feel warm and tingly inside, like when Xena called me her little bard in that sardonic way of hers. I looked at Xena and found her still eyeing the Amazon called Ephiny warily as she reluctantly parted with her sword. I grabbed her hand.

"Did you hear that? I'm going to meet an Amazon Queen, Xena! I'm so excited! Wonder what she's like."

Xena pulled her hand away and drew me to her by the shoulders, not in an embrace-though it would have looked like it-but for a whispered warning: "Be careful, Gabrielle. The Amazons can be dangerous. They have many complex rules and ways, and they are easy to offend. Don't go getting yourself into any trouble."

"I'm with you, Xena," I said, lightly. "What kind of trouble could I possibly get into?"

"Plenty," she muttered, and pulled forward with Argo.

I held back to wait for Terreis, and smiled shyly at her. "I'm Gabrielle, by the way. I've always wanted to meet the Amazons. I know so many stories, but I'd never met one."

"Oh yes, and what stories do you know of us?"

"I know the story of the Amazons and the Sythians, their escape from the prison ships on the Caspian Sea. And the story of Queen Penthesilia and Achilles. And of course, I know the story of the Amazons and the Titans. I've my own experiences with the Titans you see!"

"You and the Titans?" she asked, tossing her auburn curls across her shoulders, her interest piqued.

"Oh, yes. Xena and I, we had quite the adventure. It was a very near thing." I knew that I was showing off, but I couldn't seem to resist.

"This we must hear," Terreis said, grinning. "Right, sisters?"

The Amazons near her nodded.

"We hear our own stories all the time, but I should very much like to hear the story of Gabrielle and the Titans."

My chest filling with the thrill of a new audience, I took a deep breath: "I sing a song of two travelers on the road from Corinth, who were set up by a band of rogues…"

It had become my favorite story to tell, and always had the taverns quiet and the dinars forthcoming, though I had never told it in front of Xena before, the Titan incident being a sore spot for both of us even these two months later. By the time I had awakened the sleeping Titans in the story, all was quiet around me, other than the crunch of our boots on leaves.

"...and just as his hand came down to crush Xena and Gabrielle beneath it, a great rumble came forth from the deepest parts of the cavern, and his hand halted in its progress, transforming before their eyes into a block of cold, gray stone. And all was still, and all would be well, for the scrolls were taken to Athens to be safeguarded by the wisest scholars of the Academy, so that the Titans would never be woken so heedlessly again."

I finished to laughter and applause.

"That was quite the tale, Gabrielle," Terreis said, putting an arm easily around my shoulder. "Thank you for giving us the pleasure of hearing it!"

"You're welcome," I said, blushing. She laughed and called ahead to Xena.

"And Xena, what say you? Does the Bard give us a fair rendition of the adventure?"

I swallowed hard, trying to read from Xena's shoulders how she felt about my telling of the tale. She stopped and turned around, raising her eyebrow and staring me down in the way that never ceased to stop the breath in my lungs.

"You know," she said, turning her gaze to Terreis, "I think the Bard may have omitted a few small details, but it was some time ago now, so we shouldn't fault her for it."

I sighed in relief as she led Argo on, though I could feel my face go scarlet. I'd left out just how cavalier I had been in my interaction with the Titans, or the bit about how Xena had ordered me not to leave the cave to take on the three Titans on my own, or about the tender backside I'd sported for several days after all had been set to rights. But Xena had said just enough to put me in my place, but not enough to humiliate me in front of the others.

"Oh dear," Terreis said, quietly. "You've gone quite red. I take it this is not one of your friend's favorite stories?"

"No," I muttered.

"I imagine she was not too pleased to find you alone with those Titans," she said. "That was very foolhardy."

I nodded, face still hot.

"Don't worry, little one," she said, winking, "Your secret's safe with me. Now, tell me more about this Gabrielle, and how she came to be travelling these parts."

XGXGXGXGXGXGXGXG

I have many skills, but none among them was the ability to charm ten hardened Amazon warriors in less than a candlemark. That was a skill unique to my little Bard. I seemed to always put people on edge, be they friend or foe; Gabrielle, it seemed, had never met a stranger in her life. I loved her for it, even when it annoyed me. She had certainly wrapped Terreis, the presumed leader of this party, around her little finger. During her story, I had even looked over at Ephiny, surprised to find her as absorbed in the tale as the rest, though, when it had ended, she returned to her scowling without delay. Yes, Gabrielle could disarm someone with her smile and her tongue as well as I could disarm them with my chakram.

I knew that she'd been telling the story of the Titans in the taverns for the last few weeks. She'd told it to Hercules and Iolus too, while I was away doing other things. Hercules had poked fun at me later as we ventured through the caves together.

"Your little friend tells me that you had a little run in with some Titans a few weeks ago? A most amusing story."

"Oh yeah? Did my little friend tell you that she also had a little run in with my sword belt afterwards?"

"I don't think it came up. Artistic license and all that."

"I'm sure it didn't."

"You've got your work cut out for you there."

"Don't I know it."

"Still, it's clear she's good for you."

"I know that too."

In truth, I didn't mind so much. It was, objectively, a good story. She'd paid for her mistakes with the Titans, and her retelling of the tale with such strategic omissions told me that she had not forgotten the lesson.

I distracted myself from Ephiny's constant, sinister scrutiny by listening to Terreis and Gabrielle's conversation. She told the Amazon of her abduction by Draco's slavers and how she'd come to start traveling with me. She was discreet enough, not revealing anything too personal about either me or our work together, though she also sang her typical songs of my great virtue, which never failed to make me hot under the collar.

"Xena is another scroll you shouldn't judge by its paper, you know," she said to Terreis quietly, thinking I wouldn't be able to hear. "She may look fearsome, and she is, but her heart is so big and she can be so gentle and kind. She saved me, you know."

I felt the knot in my throat. Gabrielle's faith in my goodness was at once painful and affirming. I knew that I did not deserve that faith, and yet I wanted so badly to be worthy of it. Being Gabrielle's friend, her protector, and something else I had yet to find the words to describe, had given my life a purpose again. It had given me hope in my own redemption. I brushed the unshed tears from my eyes before they had time to fall. Get it together, Warrior.

"I have found with the Amazons that my sisters who are the most fierce in battle are often the most fierce in love as well," Terreis said. "Take our Ephiny. She is a ruthless warrior, to be sure, and a hard nut to crack, but she is also one of the most profoundly loyal and generous people I've ever met."

"She and Xena have that in common then," Gabrielle said. I looked over at Ephiny to see if she had overheard the conversation, but she gave no appearance that she had. Terreis laughed.

"Having spent only a few hours with you, Gabrielle, my guess is that you'll crack Ephiny if you spend any time with her. I think you inspire the best in people."

They continued to talk for hours, even when we stopped to rest and take a meal. They talked of philosophy, rhetoric, and history, and about the education of girls. I had not known the lengths to which Gabrielle had gone as a child to convince her family to allow her to attend the village schola with the boys, where she had been allowed only to sit in the back and listen, not participate in any way. While the boys were sent out to practice their physical prowess, Gabrielle would spend hours reading. She had made friends with the scribes and scholars, who allowed her access to their scrolls and indulged her curiosity. I realized that her charm, like my skills in fighting, was not just innate-though her affability and kindness was part of the core of her being-, but had been born of necessity and determination. I wondered for a moment why she had never revealed this part of her past to me before, except in pieces, until remembering, with some chagrin, that I did not tend to give her much encouragement, whereas Terreis held her own in the conversation. It was not one-sided.

As the pair began to joke and needle one another, I found myself growing irritated, and felt something else. Something I had rarely felt, or at least not in a very long time. I was jealous. Jealous of the ease with which Gabrielle had opened herself and her stories to this woman she'd known for such a short time, mere hours; jealous too of how easy it seemed to be for Terreis to show her affection and interest. It occurred to me that, if given the choice, Gabrielle might very well choose to stay with the Amazons, where she might be given the chance to become a scholar in her own right. The Amazons tended to adopt girls into their tribes at younger ages, but it was not unheard of for a girl Gabrielle's age to be brought in; after all, they had nearly recruited me, more than once, before I had closed that door with brutal finality. I shuddered, not just at the memory, but at the thought of losing Gabrielle.

Even three months earlier, I might have thought it for the best-for her, certainly, and for me too. And then there were the Titans. I had nearly lost her. I thought for sure I would find her little body, crushed and unrecognizable. I had fought with a fierceness I had not known before, even in the throes of bloodlust, to protect her from Hyperion. And when it was over, I had cried in relief, and pulled her to me, never wanting to let go again. I knew that she would leave eventually, and knew that it was right, but I would miss her terribly. I was pulled from my reflections by the sense that Ephiny was staring at me again. It would feel so good to have a little skirmish with her, to put her in her place. She had the look of a good fighter, but I would likely still win.

"Something about me you find interesting?" I asked her.

"Yes."

"Wanna tell me?"

"No," she said, smirking.

"Then stop staring at me before I take your eyes out," I snarled, turning to stare her down. Before she could respond in kind, I heard the rustling in the trees ahead. Ephiny did too. I let go of Argo's reins and slapped her rump to get her to clear the area.

"Gabrielle!" I shouted, and when she came within my reach I pulled her behind me.

"Amazons! Retreat to the trees!" Terreis shouted. Ephiny tossed me my sword just in time for me to deflect the arrows that began to rain down around us.

"Stay behind me, Gabrielle! Don't run!"

The arrows came down in showers, but from a distance, so they were slow enough to catch. I heard a scream of pain from the trees above and Terreis fell like a sack of grain to the ground ten feet away, an arrow sticking out from her torso. Before I could hold her back, Gabrielle had left my side.

"Gabrielle! No!" I shouted, but she wouldn't be stopped. In slow motion, as I swatted the arrows down with my sword, I watched in horror as she flung her own little body across Terreis's, offering her thin, unguarded back to the arrows falling around her. Some came so close that they pinned her skirt to the ground. I leapt towards them, but by the time I arrived, the arrows had stopped as suddenly as they had started. Gabrielle lifted her head tentatively and then pulled Terreis up, who moaned in pain.

"No! Don't try to move her, Gabrielle!" I said, scanning the ridge above, hearing the sound of movement. "I'll check to see if it's clear."

"You!" I said, pointing to Ephiny, "Guard her! She's defenseless!"

She nodded, and I ran before I could say what I wanted to say: Let one hair on her head be harmed, and I'll kill you myself.