Chapter 3: The Balancing
Author's Note: This story contains depictions of non-sexual F/f disciplinary spanking. If that's not your jam, go find some jelly. Canon-esque, set after S1:E9 "Death in Chains" and S1:E10 "Hooves and Harlots"
"If I lose, make sure she gets out of here, Ephiny," Xena said, having ignored our little spat. "Take her to Amphipolis."
"I will, Xena," Ephiny said, and my breath caught in my throat. I would never get used to this: Xena marching off to a dance with death, and me having to contemplate a life without her. Please just look at me, Xena.
As if hearing my thoughts, Xena turned to me, eyebrow raised in an expression that I knew all too well: the wry, "you're gonna get it" look. She leaned down so that her mouth was inches from my ear. I shivered.
"If I win, you and I are going to be discussing Rule Number Two, my little bard."
Between her "little bard" and the thinly disguised promise, my skin broke out into goose pimples and I could feel my ears tingling, followed by a flood of relief. She would not have said such a thing to me if she thought she was really about to die.
She put on her full Warrior Princess scowl, determined with an edge of gleeful, and faced Queen Melosa.
"Choose your weapon, Xena."
"Chobos," she said, smiling broadly.
"Now, you won't lose," I said, my blood singing in my veins, as Ephiny brought the weapons to her. "Remember her blind side is on the right...ow!"
I rubbed the spot where her chobo had connected with the back of my thigh, and backed out of range.
"Stay by Ephiny," she barked, and began to advance on Melosa.
As predicted, Xena had emerged victorious with nary a scratch or bruise, nor had she been at all damaged in the skirmish with Krykus's men that had followed the match. When she had returned to camp, to my great displeasure, she had immediately turned her attention back to me, having a promise to keep.
"Please, Xena," I begged, trying to keep up with her long-legged stride. "I know I've got it coming, but can't you wait until after we leave tomorrow? Someone might hear!"
"You're not leaving tomorrow," she said, without looking back at me.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm leaving you with the Amazons while I head down to Didymoteicho," she said, then adding: "And I'm giving you something to remember me by."
"You're leaving me here?" I whispered, my stomach sinking. I'd finally done something bad enough for her to get rid of me once and for all. I had lied to her. I had lied to her about something that was really important. I had kept this thing a secret from her not for some noble reason, but because someone I barely knew, but who I wanted to impress, told me to, and because I had wanted to prove something to her and everyone else. She had forgiven me for a lie before, but she wouldn't forgive this one. She couldn't travel with someone she couldn't trust.
Before I could prevent it, my throat went tight and the tears came spilling over my cheeks. Xena didn't slow her pace or stop to look back at me, and as my vision blurred, I stumbled along behind her. We stalked through the woods for another two or three minutes as I tried to get control over my emotions. I tried to summon some anger to block out the less pleasant thoughts swimming around in my head, but I struggled to find any. We arrived in a small clearing where a shallow stream cut through the forest. Several clusters of mossy boulders lined the bank, almost gold in the early evening sun. Xena stopped in front of one of them and turned to me.
"Sit down, Gabrielle," she said wearily, pointing at the rock in front of her. It was the condescending spark I needed to find my anger again.
"I'd rather stand," I murmured, angrily brushing the tears away with the back of my hand. Xena was not having it. She strode over, took me firmly by the elbow, and led me to the rock.
"Sit down while you still can," she said, the frustration clear in her voice, leaving me with no doubt of her intentions. "We need to talk."
I flopped down on the rock, crossing my arms in front of me. She waited several long moments before she started to pace, never a good sign. Finally, she took a long slow breath. .
"Did I not tell you several times that getting involved in Amazon affairs was a very dangerous game?"
I didn't answer, only shrugged, knowing it would irritate her.
"I told you to be careful of what you said and did around them. I told you that Melosa and the rest of them were spoiling for a fight and that you shouldn't meddle, didn't I?" she demanded, stopping her pacing long enough to fix me with a hard stare. "I want an answer, Gabrielle."
"Yes," I mumbled, staring at the ground.
"And yet I come back to find you quaking on a platform with a stranger's sword in your hand and a whole Amazon guard waiting to cut your throat if you didn't kill Phantes."
I sat up, feeling the unfairness of how she had portrayed the scene: "I didn't know that would happen! I didn't want to be there-I didn't have a choice, Xena. How was I supposed to know when Terreis gave me her right of caste that it meant I'd have to murder or be murdered? You can't possibly blame me for…"
"Gabrielle, that's the whole point! You didn't know what taking her right of caste meant. I DID!" She threw up her hands in exasperation.
"Well you weren't there, and all I knew is that she wanted me to have something. She was dying, Xena," I said, hearing the break in my voice and loathing it. "What was I supposed to have done, not taken it?"
Xena stopped pacing and squatted down in front of me, placing her hands on my knees. "Gabrielle, look at me."
As upset as I was, I obeyed her gentle order.
"I'm not mad that you took it. I understand that it happened quickly and that you wanted to bring peace to her. I know that. But you should have told me!"
She sighed heavily, and I looked away.
"But you didn't tell me," she continued, her hands still on my knees, "and then you kept it from me deliberately. You lied to me. And because you lied to me, I left you in that village unprotected, thinking that you'd be safe there. What would have happened if I hadn't showed up when I did, Gabrielle?"
"Why should you even care?" I shouted, jumping up from the rock, nearly knocking her off balance, my whole body flushed with rage at her self-righteous scolding when she was planning to abandon me to these so-called dangerous Amazons. I wouldn't listen to it. I turned to run. Maybe I'd run into one of the Amazons who would take on Xena to protect their new princess. I didn't get far enough to find out. Xena caught me before I'd even hit my stride and dragged me bodily back to the rock.
"You, little bard," she said, taking her seat, "are about to find out just how much I care."
XGXGXGXGXGXGXGXGXG
I was used to a bit of verbal sparring with Gabrielle before she accepted her punishment, but this was the first time she'd thrown a fit or fought me. Rare as it was to have to follow through on such a consequence, it wasn't as if she didn't know what to expect for her actions. There were only two things that could land her here: disobedience to a direct order and lying to me. That was our agreement when we first began traveling together. She was not a young warrior, nor was I an army commander: I could not expect her to adhere to a strict warrior's code or the kinds of consequences a warrior could expect. But she was not yet eighteen, mature for her age, but prone to recklessness: I had to set some ground rules to keep her safe. Rule number one: Do what I tell you to do. Rule number two: don't lie to me. Rule number three: break rules one or two and I'll tan your hide. It was a simple-enough justice and had, thus far, proved an effective deterrent.
It took some effort on my part to get her over my knee, and, once there, she flailed and kicked wildly as I flipped up her skirt and wrestled the linen underpants down her legs.
"You can't!" she shouted, throwing back her right hand to cover her now unprotected backside. I easily removed it, pinning it to the small of her back.
"I think you'll find I can," I said, bringing my hand down on her bottom with a crack that echoed through the clearing. I usually asked her a few questions to help focus her mind at the beginning of a spanking, but I sensed that she was not in a place to do that yet.
She yelped angrily with each smack that followed, but then took a deep breath to bellow: "You can't do rule number three when...you can't...if you don't want me anymore...if you are going to leave meeeee!"
She started to weep all out of proportion to the handful of swats she'd received, and I dropped my hand immediately, resting it on the splotched pink skin. If I didn't want her anymore?
"What?"
She just cried harder, mournful little sobs, struggling to catch her breath. This would not do. Something was very amiss. I awkwardly drew her up from her position, and pulled her down into my lap, right-side up this time. She buried her tear-streaked red face in her hands. I reached up to pull her arms down, but she resisted.
"Gabrielle, look at me," I said, hoping I didn't sound as exasperated as I was. She shook her head. "What's all this about?"
"You're going away," she wailed. "You don't trust me…'cause I lied. And you're leaving me here."
"For a couple of weeks, Gabrielle," I said, releasing a sound that was half sigh and half laugh, understanding now where her errant mind had led her when I'd said I was leaving. "Just for a few weeks so that you can have time here to train and learn more about the Amazons."
"Not forever?" she said, breathlessly, letting her hands fall from her face, revealing her disconsolate green eyes.
"No, not forever," I said, shaking my head and absently brushing at the tears on her distraught face. "I mean, you're free to stay longer if you want. Like it or not, you're an Amazon now, but…"
I was cut off by her embrace, her small arms squeezing around my neck.
"I don't want to be an Amazon. I don't...I want to be with...I'm sorrryyyyy!"
"Shhhhhh. Gabrielle, calm down," I said, rubbing her back, my exasperation growing. Gods save me from the impetuous passions of youth. Gabrielle's passion was more innocuous than my own had been at her age, but it was still a painful reminder of a time I'd rather have forgotten. I tried to interpret what she was trying to say through the barrage of half-thoughts that poured from her mouth.
"I thought...things were changing...when I-I, when you didn't...I thought. And I lied to you and got into trouble and...I'm sorry, Xena. I'm sorry."
"Don't worry," I said wryly. "We'll take care of rule number two here shortly. And then we'll put it away."
I felt her shudder, but she nodded into my neck, clinging tighter, and a swell of affection rose in my chest. Everytime I doubted the wisdom of this form of discipline, Gabrielle let me know in some small way that she needed me to carry on. Not only was Gabrielle young, she was also very hard on herself, prone to self-flagellation and self-imposed isolation when she made mistakes. So was I. I had to live with the hard edge of my guilt-my redemption came through service to others. But I could spare Gabrielle that hard edge. She didn't deserve it. As difficult as it was for her to take it and for me to deliver it, we were always restored to one another afterwards, my fear and frustration abated and her self-esteem rebuilt.
"Listen," I said into the top of her head, "I talked to Melosa, and she agrees that it would be a good idea for you to spend some time with them. I've even asked Ephiny to teach you the staff. She's the best in the whole tribe. Don't tell her, but she might even be better than me."
Gabrielle lifted her head, an incredulous expression upon her face.
"It's true enough," I conceded. "Gabrielle, we may not always travel together. I don't know what the future holds: you are young and have a whole lifetime ahead of you. No, don't interrupt. I told you that there would be times when I would need to do some things without you, and there may be times you need to be elsewhere too. But we are way past the point of me not caring what happens to you, not caring when you put yourself in danger."
She sniffed again, and wiped her eyes, but finally nodded.
"Good," I said, straightening up, and quickly repositioned her over my thighs again before the protest could form on her lips. "Now let me see what I can do to belabor that point."
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By the Gods, Xena, could you care a little bit softer?
I had lost control so quickly this time, having wasted all my energy on a needless grief. Xena wasn't going to leave me. She was going to forgive me. She still cared about me. The relief seemed to have sapped me of any stamina I might have boasted before. There was no graduated building of heat, just red-hot stinging swats on my skin. Xena was direct and to the point in all things, and her powerful sword hand cracked down in typical unreserved fashion. She seemed to know instinctively the place on my bottom where I least wanted to feel her hand and found it with unerring precision every time, until there was no place that wasn't burning and tender. She knew just how to make me whimper and yelp in a most undignified manner, wishing only to be able to crawl out of my skin.
After a few minutes, my restraint in tatters, I grew panicked and tried, enthusiastically, but unsuccessfully, to vacate her lap, rolling my hips, kicking my legs, and pushing up from Xena's thighs, grasping out at the boulder. Xena was unimpressed with these antics, and began to swat down hard at the tops of my thrashing legs. My skin recoiled and my muscles strained at the fresh sting.
"Keep that up and you won't like what happens," she said calmly above my steady cries. "You've earned your position, and I aim to keep you here a while longer."
This did nothing to ease my panic, nor did her continued assault on my thighs, which were now sizzling. I howled and kicked out again, followed by a stream of what I knew was incoherent pleading. When she returned her aim to my sore bottom, I couldn't keep my hands from flying back to interfere with hers. When she pinned them both to my back and continued on, I transferred my waning energy to my legs, trying to find the ground to help propel me off her lap. After a growl, and a few very hard swats, Xena pushed my torso forward, and I felt her leg move beneath me, only to feel it again across the back of my calves, trapping them. I wailed out a protest, but she easily picked up where she'd left off.
"You were warned," she said.
"Pleeeeease! Xenaaaaaa!"
This was a new level of awful. Xena had rendered my limbs all useless. There was nowhere to go, no kicking, no relief, no distractions, no fruitless struggling; there was only Xena's hand falling again and again and again on my throbbing backside. It was all she would let me have. In the minute that followed, I used the only outlet I had: my voice. And suddenly, in my utter helplessness, the panic receded, the chaotic ramblings in my mind quieted, and all that was left was the raw, honest, inevitable pain. I let my head fall down and felt the sobs come unhindered. As her hand continued its work, time seemed to stand still, trapping me in one big stinging, endless, moment. My tears became wholly selfish. It hurt. I was sorry. I was sad. So very, very, sad.
As if sensing the change, Xena released my arms, and I used both to cling to her left boot, my fingers trying to find purchase around the laces. It took me a moment to realize that she had stopped. I vaguely felt the pressure of her hand resting on my pulsating bottom, but I could not tell where my hot skin ended and hers began. She let me cry for a long while before deciding to move things along.
"You ready to tell me why, Gabrielle?" she asked.
"I don't know why," I sniffed. It was true. There was a fog of sad and mad and scared that I didn't know how to name.
"Then we need to figure it out," she said, and I could feel her long fingers drumming on my skin, sending a shudder up my entire spine.
I took a ragged breath, steeling myself:" I...Xena, please...can I? Can you?"
Before I could finish the thought, I felt her unpin my legs, and for a moment I thought that she was granting my request, but then she shifted my weight back onto both her thighs and pulled my waist closer to her body.
"No. Not yet."
I choked back a little sob, renewed tears falling down my nose. I wanted nothing in the world at that moment other than for her to allow me up and hold me. She knew it, and she had named her price. If I wanted her comforting arms, I had to pay with the truth.
"Why did you not tell me that Terreis had given you her right of caste?"
"Because Ephiny told me not to."
"No, Gabrielle, before that."
I had no ready answer, and I searched back to the memory. I heard Terreis's voice in my head, saw the wonder and pain in her hazel eyes: You tried to save me. Only a true Amazon would have done that. I want you to take my right of caste. I felt the low sob escape.
"Talk to me, Gabrielle" Xena said gently.
"B-because...because it was mine."
There was a pause and the admission lingered in the air above me.
"Go on."
"She made me feel special. She thought I was brave. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was important and that she wanted it to be mine. I didn't...I...I…
"Yes?"
"I didn't want you to take it away."
Her hand left my bottom, and I cringed a little, thinking that it was the wrong answer. But then I felt her hand brush against my hair, tucking a piece behind my ear. I turned to look up at her and could not read the expression on her face. I turned my head down again, wiping the tears from my eyes.
"I..Things, they...I didn't want it to go away yet. I know it doesn't make sense."
"No," she said. "It does to me."
I nodded.
"And why did you continue to keep it from me when you knew what it meant, and when you knew that Ephiny didn't want me to know?" There was more danger in her voice now. I suddenly knew the answer without having to dig for it, but it was a much harder thing to confess. I tried to maneuver around it.
"I wanted her to think I could handle it by myself."
"And?"
"I wanted to handle it by myself. I wanted to be what they said I was. It made me feel important, and I was worried that you would make me give it back."
"Not something you can just give back. That's not how Amazon law works."
"I know."
"That's not everything, though, is it, my little bard?" she said softly, outmaneuvering my attempt to avoid the real reason.
I shook my head.
"You had to know I'd find out, so why would you lie when I asked you outright?"
Before I could stop it, a sob tumbled from my mouth. I remembered how I'd felt that night around the fire, after we'd left the castle.
"C'mon, Gabrielle, we're almost to the heart of the matter. Let's just get it over with," she said, her hand whispering back to my radiating backside. "Why did you lie to me?"
"Because I wanted to make you angry!" I blurted.
"Why?"
"Stop asking that!" I shouted, before I had remembered my position. Xena was quick to remind me of it. Her hand came down hard on my sore, swollen posterior several times. It felt hideous and I squealed and tried to swim away.
"I'll ask it until you answer," she said calmly, her hand still again. "Why did you want to make me angry?"
"Because you didn't...you...because I thought you...because…I'm sorry!" I started to cry softly in earnest. I just couldn't say it.
"Because you needed to know I'd take you to task for it?" Xena offered, her voice low and calm.
I nodded, my face burning with embarrassment, not believing that I'd admitted to it. I could have easily told her that I was angry about something else. Or that I was tired of her treating me like a baby. But she had torn down all my defenses, laid waste to everything but the truth.
"I thought...I thought maybe that things had changed."
"Gabrielle," Xena said, softer still, "You were grieving."
"I know. But I didn't stay put like you told me. Maybe if I had, then he'd be okay. And then maybe we'd not have been in the woods. And then Terreis might not have been where she was."
"Talus was dying, Gabrielle. In the castle or no. Terreis was an Amazon princess with enemies. That was not your doing. The Fates don't tend to change their minds when they've decided to cut a thread."
"But if I'd done what you said," I sniffed, needing her to stop telling me it wasn't my fault, when it felt so much like it was.
"Fine," she said, and I felt her grip tighten, and she tipped me forward. "Have it your way, Gabrielle. Allow me to correct my mistake."
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I was certain that Queen Melosa would dispatch a party of warriors to come to my rescue, my squeal surely having carried through even the dense woods for miles. What could I have been thinking? I continued to wail as Xena blistered the tender undercurve of my bottom until I had given up hope of ever sitting again. After she had delivered several dozen swats, she slowed her attack just enough for me to gasp for breath and plead for mercy.
"Pleeeeeeease! No more! I'm sorrrryyyyyyy!"
"I'm woman enough to admit when I am wrong," she said gruffly over my keening. "Gods forbid I appear remiss in my duties."
"Noooooo, please. Owwwwwwww! Xeeeeeenaaaaaa!"
"You were not at fault for what happened to Talus or Terreis, and I don't want to hear anything more about that. Are we clear?"
"Yeeeeeeeeeeesss!" I wailed.
"However," she said, swatting down extra hard, eliciting a most undignified squawk from me. "When I tell you to stay put, what is it that you need to do?"
"Staaaaaay!"
"C'mere," she said, and before I knew what was happening, I was in her arms, weeping into the crook of her neck, as she shushed at my temple. My heart seemed to pulse in my throbbing bottom, the thin deerskin of the skirt I had inherited from Terreis providing little cushion between my scalded skin and Xena's studded leathers, but it barely registered amidst the relief I felt at being held so tenderly in the aftermath. I had paid her price and could now have my reward.
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Was it wrong of me to feel so content, rocking the girl in my arms as she cried herself out? Was it wrong to feel such a profound sense of peace, as if the world had been set to rights again, knowing what I had just put her through? I could feel the fire in her skin through my leathers, could feel it too in my own aching hand, but all I could sense between us was relief. I wondered, not for the first time, what had become of me. I had been called fearless, reckless, ruthless, but these descriptors were not quite accurate. I was as capable of fear and doubt as any, and I had never been wholly without scruples, even at my worst; but I had learned to box such sensation away when they came, setting them aside to make way for focus. Then Gabrielle had come into my life. The way I felt for her, and the fear and doubt I felt when she was in danger or pain-these things I could not box away. They were insistent and undeniable.
When she did something to put herself in danger, when she forced the threat of losing her upon me, I not only felt justified in meting out her well-earned comeuppance, but I had to admit that it restored me to some semblance of harmony. I didn't enjoy causing her distress, but when she was over my knee, I couldn't help but feel that she was in the safest place in the world. I was not always a safe place for Gabrielle-I couldn't deny that-but when I had her there, so vulnerable, the weight of that responsibility imbued me with a sense of perfect control of myself. We had both been frightened today. Even when the threat had been quelled, there were still the aftershocks, not from the inevitable dangers of battle or defense, but of the poor choices of one wayward bard. Lighting up that wayward backside after such a fright helped settle the remnants of fear held in our bodies, bringing us back into balance.
And afterwards, I held her. And though perhaps she did not know it, she held me as well. It felt indulgent to remain as we were, long after her tears had dried up, but I felt no particular need to return to the village in a hurry, and I sensed that Gabrielle needed this time. As the minutes went by, I felt her body slacken by degree, until I looked down to find her battling her own eyelids.
"Don't go to sleep, Gabrielle," I said, sitting up. "We're a good mile away from Argo and our bedrolls."
She groaned and leaned into my shoulder harder. "Just for a little while," she whined. "Please, Xena. I didn't sleep a wink last night."
"Oh, and who's fault was that?"
"Mine."
"Gabrielle."
"Just a little while," she sighed, and I rolled my eyes. Sliding my arm beneath her knees, I stood up and shuffled over to the grassy, sunlit bank of the creek. She barely registered the move. I tried to settle her on the grass beside me, but no sooner had I released her, than she crawled groggily to rest her head in my lap, shifting around until she found a comfortable position.
"Xena."
"Hmm?"
"My bottom hurts."
"Yeah? Well, that is, I am told, the point of the exercise."
"Xena?"
"Yes?"
"I...you know that I...I...Xena?"
"What is it?"
But the thought stayed on her tongue with the dregs of her coherence as I felt her go boneless upon me, face still flushed, but her contentment unmistakable. I said to her the only thing I could, the thing I would find it impossible to say when she woke.
"I love you too, Gabrielle."