I have chapter 8! In all this fanfic is 17 chapters, and it was the most enjoyable thing I have written in a while. Really got me out of a writings slump.
There's another Invader Zim reference, I can't help myself. IZ was my first foray JV's universe. I'm edgier now and more into JtHM, but I will still watch IZ every now and then and quote it.
"I'm gonna roll around on the floor for a bit, kay?"
Someone loved Nny.
Actually loved him unconditionally, and fuck... he was losing the battle yet again. His emotions were at war, fighting for supremacy, but they would only destroy each other in the end, destroy Nny...
They would lay waste to Nny's mind, leaving him empty, lifeless, and hollow. It would be a different kind of emptiness from the one he'd tried to emulate for the past three years. He would become a husk, a shell of a person, and he didn't want that. He never wanted that, even back when he still had feelings of suicide.
Dying wasn't the answer, because Nny would only end up in hell again with all those freakshows, and heaven was out of the question. Not that he would be welcome back there again, anyway, after the mess he made, but who wanted to sit on a chair for all eternity?
Nny would rather become a part of the carbon cycle, his conscious mind dying right along with his body, as terrifying as it sounded. Total oblivion. No heaven or hell, just... nothingness. No more thoughts, no more emotions, no more anything.
But until that inevitable day finally came around, he still wanted to experience things and search for answers. But his newfound knowledge that somebody loved him had put a wrench in all that.
The love had divided him, giving him a dual personality, and now Nny was uncertain. His reality had split in two because of his indecisiveness, and then it would only be a matter of time until the universe fractured and he loses control of insanity. Not unlike the time when the wall monster used him, but who knew what would become of Nny this time. He'd lose his mind, or completely break down and stop functioning altogether.
Two possible realities, two possible outcomes...
Fuck. He couldn't let that happen.
All Nny had ever wanted was a perfectly functional mind, one that could still experience the world without feeling. He still wanted his awareness, just not in an emotional, feeling kind of way.
It wasn't easy. Life was full of unexpected thrills, no matter how short they may be. It was like the loopy sensation you get in your stomach when you're about to go down a rollercoaster, making you feel alive, and that wasn't good.
Maybe that burger statue was right. Like a typical mammal with his sophisticated nervous system, Nny was still bound to feel some things, and it was a shame he had to be born a feeling creature...
It wasn't much to ask, right? To be as cold as the autonomous life form known as Mr. Samsa—a cockroach, or more specifically, Periplaneta americana?
The insect that lived inside his house just wouldn't die, no matter how many times Nny killed it, but that was beside the point.
Nny could not feel again. He had vowed to never be a slave to any external thing ever again, becoming as cold as the moon in the night sky. But the moon was starting to set, and now the sun was rising in the form of Molly...
Fuck, fuck, fuck. The little female child had brought back emotions he hadn't felt since he was a small child himself. He still couldn't recall much of his upbringing, but he had vague memories of someone telling him once that no one would ever love a skinny, ugly boy like him. Their face was blurred and for good reason.
Whoever they were didn't deserve to star in Nny's memories. He had killed people like that before. He had almost wanted to kill Squee's dad once for berating the boy for daring to exist. Nny had been hiding under the bed, and just wanted the man to shut up, but his rotten words were stinking up the room, so Nny had to do something...
Maybe that horrible person in his past had been a parent or some other caregiver of some kind, and the nerve of some people... They didn't deserve to be parents.
It's not as if they were forced at gunpoint to have unprotected sex and conceive a child, but people were stupid.
It still didn't seem real though. Someone loved Nny for who he was. Molly wholly accepted him, even though she knew he was a monster who hurt people, even though she knew that his ultimate goal was to be cold and unfeeling. She would still love him regardless, even if he may never reciprocate her feelings. She didn't expect anything in return. It was true, unconditional love, and god, it hurt.
She made Nny hurt...
Something clamped around his chest like a vice as he stood in his living room, his body leaden, and Nny recognised the sensation since he knew it all too well—guilt.
He didn't deserve her love, and he knew it. He wasn't worthy of anyone's love, and he definitely wasn't worthy of hers. Nny would only poison that sweet little heart of hers with his rot, and maybe it was best he went away for a while.
It was okay. She would soon forget about him. She was bound to, anyway, when she grew up and become an adult. Yet she would keep that pure heart. It was evergreen. She would be like one of those rare nice people Nny did have the good fortune of meeting, like Devi, Edgar Vargas, and that guy in hell crying over cream cheese before he ran out onto the road and got himself killed... again. He did buy Nny a bagel that time though (so nice).
But then he remembered he pinkie promised to always be her friend, and shit. He couldn't break a pinkie promise. The very universe depended on it!
Also... he didn't want to break her heart, and since when did Nny care about breaking hearts? He'd torn out many a heart, literally speaking, but the point remained... He was a villain and did not normally exhibit behaviours of compassion. He was self-serving and only looked out for himself. It was a strange notion indeed to care about someone else's wellbeing for once, but people have only ever been cruel to Nny. So of course, the sensation was alien to him.
Besides, her father had already abandoned her, and Nny wouldn't abandon Molly too. She needed him. He was the only person she could cry in front of and be herself around. She opened up to him, and he could see he was a healthy outlet for her.
Nny had become yet another toilet or flusher for someone else's shit, and the irony...
Yet Nny was quite happy to absorb all the shit from her beautiful soul, even though he had enough of his own shit. But he would rather it rotted away at his soul, anyway—since hers could still be saved, unlike Nny's, which was stinking to the high heavens right about now.
Also, he was older and more experienced when it came to dealing with life's disappointments, while her fragile heart was still young, pure, and tender.
Yet her pain never did make him rot. Being around her seemed to make him better adept at handling his own darkness, and had Nny found his equilibrium?
Was Molly's own despair balancing his?
It made sense. With Molly, he knew right away he would always have the beauty of the start. It wasn't ephemeral; it was evergreen, like her blinding, white soul.
Nny's soul was as black as a lump of old shit, yet black and white balanced and complemented one another, like yin and yang.
Had Nny found his yang?
His aortic pump thumped in his chest, and it fucking terrified him. It rarely ever did that.
Wait... did he reciprocate her feelings? He may have almost confessed in her bedroom, but for all Nny knew, that could have just been another shifting of his realities, messing with his psyche again.
Was Nny... falling in love? Had he finally become a real boy like in Pinocchio? Was Nny becoming alive again?
Shit. This wasn't good. Nny couldn't love. Love had always evaded and taunted him. Of course he had wanted it at some point in his dark, miserable past, and in any form he could grasp too, whether romantic, platonic, it didn't matter—love was love.
That was why he got the rabbit from the pet store. He wanted to love something, but then one of his realities shifted, and then he nailed it to the wall...
Yet Nny would not harm Molly; he could feel it in his aortic pump. For some unexplainable reason, all his realities aligned whenever he was with her, planting his feet firmly on the ground.
He had become a part of one reality yet again, where everything made sense, and he could almost see it, his past...
Nny had been born in this reality. He wasn't an alien after all, but a simple, human male who was just very sick and needed serious, serious help. He couldn't recall his birthdate, but he must have been born between the earth years of 1970 and 1975, making him twenty-something in the current earth year of 1998.
Molly had neutralised Nny's insanity, making him see clearly again, and what a relief.
She was making him human again. Nny had always wondered what it was to be human, and it was one of the questions in life he had always struggled to answer in his long, long search, and now he thought he found the answer...
To be human was to love, to grieve, and to be loved in return, and Nny had finally accomplished all three of those.
He had loved, and he had grieved, but now someone loved him...
He would laugh at the irony if it weren't so fucked up. Nny had always hated humans and didn't think there was anything all that special about being born Homo sapien all those twenty-something years ago. Humans were awful creatures, destroying everything beautiful in this world, but there was still some beauty to be found in the muck, and he'd found it.
Nny would be a fool to let it go...
He'd already let one chance of happiness slip away due to his many shifting of realities. But all his realties agreed when it came to Molly—she was something special.
He glanced towards her house. It was her birthday today, and he hadn't even got her a gift. Nny had no idea what children liked these days. He always used to leave drawings or dead animals for Squee, but the last thing he wanted to show her was Happy Noodle Boy, especially as she was such a talented artist already at six years old.
Heck. What does a twenty-something homicidal guy get a six-year-old for her birthday, anyway? She liked riding her bike and all things pink and sparkly, and Nny shivered.
She had put makeup on him and made him look pretty, and Nny was still pooping glitter from his ass.
There was nothing he could offer her, and he was stumped. He couldn't give her a knife or a weapon because he knew that was messed up. Since Molly had neutralised his insanity, he could see that clearly now.
Small children should not be given knives...
What did she want most in the world? Funny, now that Nny's realities had synchronised at last, he had become more sensitive to her emotions. He could read her giant blue eyes perfectly. The eyes were the window to the soul, someone stupid once said, and it was true of her...
What had Nny seen inside her soul? Pain. It was all too evident in her big, expressive eyes. The girl carried far too much on her tiny shoulders. She didn't want to cry in fear of upsetting the adults in her life, and life had already been so unfair to her.
Why do the nicest people always get shit on the most? Not that Nny was nice by any means, but to outsiders, he appeared quiet and reserved, and people took that as an invitation to belittle him.
No. What that child wanted most was her family to be whole again. Her father was gone, and he may never come back.
There had been no ounce of love left between Molly's parents when he observed them in her house the other night. They must have married and had Molly pretty young because they only appeared to be a few years older than Nny.
Nny was old enough to be Molly's father himself, but he was more of an older brother figure to her. There was no way Nny could be some small kid's dad. Not in this reality, anyhow. He was too insane...
Siblings can have twenty-year age gaps, Nny supposed, if their parents remarried, or if they couldn't be bothered with raising two at a time.
But none of that answered his question: what the hell does he get Molly for her birthday? It's not as if he could force her dad to come back. Not that Nny hadn't considered doing just that since he knew it would make the child happy, but he couldn't intervene.
What more could he do? That couple had no love for each other anymore, and it almost made Nny sad. He bet they were high school sweethearts too.
The front door of Molly's house opened, and then the little girl in question appeared. Something inside of Nny died when he saw her expression.
She was sad.
It was a dreary kind of day today. It had rained for the first time in weeks, and the awful heatwave had vanished at last. Now there was a chill in the atmosphere, but for some reason, he wanted it to be sunny again for Molly.
It was her birthday and she deserved sunshine (even if it was the deadly kind of sunshine that melted the earth).
She left her front yard, then turned right, coming straight for... Nny's house.
Crap.
He stowed his Happy Noodle Boy comics into a safe place where she couldn't see them. Then he flipped around his portrait so it showed the picture of the happy, farting unicorn. Next, he covered the bloodstains of his floor with a homely-looking rug.
It still wasn't clean enough though. Sure, his house may be cleaner than heaven, but what more could Nny do now? The child was walking up his path and ringing the bell.
A scream echoed through the house. The bell was still connected to one of his victims down below. He had about fifty people in residence now.
It was like Nny owned a hotel...
Smoothing back his unruly hair, he opened the door to find the child standing there, her shoulders slumped. She wore a frilly pink dress, and it made Nny's eyes hurt. She looked like a birthday cake, which was ironic since it was her birthday.
There was a big bow attached to her head, and it was a little too much.
"Molly?! To what do I owe the pleasure...?"
There was genuine sincerity in his voice, even though he sounded nervous. Why? She was only a small child.
Nny had always hated visitors. No matter how many signs he put up, they just would not take the hint.
But he would always welcome Molly with open arms. No matter how stupid she looked right now in that frilly dress. The child didn't seem to like it all that much. She kept scratching herself, and that wasn't a good sign.
"Hi, Nny... Can I come in? I have bad news..."
His aortic pump dropped to his feet. "Of... of course."
He stepped aside, letting her into his house of her own accord this time; he kind of dragged her in the last time like a raving lunatic.
Molly sat on the couch. Nny joined her on his box of 'feathers' as they sat in silence for a while. Nny decided not to press her. The clock ticked on the wall, which was funny since Nny didn't own a clock.
So where was the ticking coming from?
The child heaved a sigh that was way too big for her small body, then glanced up. Her blue eyes said it all, and Nny could only stare in horror.
They had lost their shine, almost looking as dead and lifeless as a doll's. Shit. The pain was affecting her. That was how it usually started.
Nny had to save her before she lost herself.
"My Daddy won't be coming today. He was supposed to be here for my birthday, but then he had to work. My Mommy is on the phone to him right now, yelling at him, and I..."
She trailed off, dipping her head.
Now that surprised Nny. He thought he would have heard her mother screaming by now since she was hardly the quiet type.
More silence echoed through the room as Nny hung his own head. "I'm sorry, Molly. Truly."
And he was. There wasn't more he could say, but he truly was sorry. He hated that these things were happening to her. She didn't deserve it, but he knew how she felt. He thought he could recall his own parental figures arguing and separating at one point, but the memories were blurred.
They may as well have been printed on wet toilet paper.
"It's okay, Nny. I know you are because you're a good person..."
Nny almost scoffed at the sentiment, but he maintained his composure. He didn't want to ruin her illusion of him.
Molly continued. "I know you have done mean things to people, but that's only because they were mean to you first, but... you are still a good person. You listen to me when I cry and you are nice to me..."
Something squeezed on Nny's internal organs. He knew he didn't deserve any of her kind words, but he wouldn't argue with her either. She was already down.
Nny drummed his fingernails against his box of feathers—fingernails that were still bright pink and sparkly, no matter how many times he tried to tear them off. He couldn't think of what to say to cheer her up.
So, she'd had a crappy birthday. Your sixth birthday was supposed to be magical and fun, not miserable.
Suppose he could take her out to that new restaurant they built in town, Bloaty's Pizza Hog, or whatever it was called (the mascot was an ugly, obese pig). Did she even like pizza? The pizza at Bloaty's didn't look the best. All greasy and nasty, and Nny swore he saw a weird green dog the other day swimming in the stinky cheese they used.
Besides, all of Nny's realities were telling him that it wasn't cool to take some random kid out for pizza. Not that Molly was random, but she wasn't his child, so that was not okay.
Maybe her mom should take her to that so-called magical place with the giant, anthropomorphic mouse. Kids loved that mouse (even though Nny had always been shit scared of that mouse, personally).
What to do, what to do...
"Thank you, Nny, for talking to me..."
He glanced up, surprised. He hadn't even talked much, just listened, which was saying something, since Nny was usually long-winded.
A shame she couldn't talk so freely with her mother.
"... and don't fecking bother coming around Christmas or Thanksgiving either. You can shove your Thanksgiving turkey and your Christmas presents up your—"
Nny rushed to the window and closed it, and now that lovely Irish lady was heard no more. Her accent grew thicker the angrier she got.
He hadn't shut the window fast enough though because Molly heard everything. At least she didn't hear the last part. Molly's mother was about to say ass, and he highly doubted she was talking about the donkey...
Nny looked at the little girl. Her body wilted further, yet she didn't cry. But for some reason, that made it worse.
He would rather hear her sniffles than her silence.
Instead, he tried to change the subject, focusing on her dress. "N-nice dress. Suits you..."
Molly grimaced and scratched herself again. "I hate it. It itches! My great-grandma in Ireland made it for me, and then my Mommy made me wear it! She's coming to visit soon, and then I will have to wear it all the time..."
The girl sighed yet again, and Nny felt for her. It really was an ugly dress.
He sat back down on his box of feathers, facing her now. He matched her sigh, looking her straight in the eyes. "Molly... don't bottle it all up. Tell people how you feel. Say you hate the dress like you just told me."
Molly dropped her head, refusing to look at him. Nny lifted her chin, dismayed to see that she still wouldn't cry.
Fair enough. She didn't have to this time. But cold and unfeeling really didn't suit her...
"My... parents are going to get a divorce... aren't they?"
Her small, fragile tone seemed to reverberate through space and time. So young, yet... so wise. It pained Nny.
Her lip wobbled. "It's okay, Nny... You don't have to say. I'm not stupid. I can see it with my eyes. They... don't love each other anymore..."
Again, Nny was tongue-tied. The best he could do was just sit there and absorb all her shit like the good toilet he was.
"I... always thought love was forever... but... it turns out it's not... Stupid Disney!"
Nny widened his eyes. Disney? She was scolding cartoons now? How sad. Her reality really was shifting. Childhood was supposed to be a happy time, full of magic. What next? Would she stop believing in Santa and the Easter Bunny? Nny had to act, fast, or she'd lose herself.
The child wouldn't stop. "Love doesn't exist after all. Magic doesn't exist..."
Oh no. It was happening. Molly's world was growing dark. He had to bring back some light. Just... how? All Nny had known was darkness, but he'd still felt some things, still felt some light.
"That's... not true..." he said, surprised at his tone. "Love is real. I'm not so sure about magic, but... love is definitely real, Molly. Just because your parents don't love each other anymore doesn't mean it's fake."
She glanced up, curiously. A little light returned to her eyes. It was hope. Nny knew that look all too well. He had always felt it in his darkest moments too, the hope that things would finally get better. Hence why he could never kill himself.
It does getter better; he could see that now because of this small, depressed child in front of him.
He had to make her better...
"It's not a tangible thing you can hold exactly. It's abstract, but... just know it is real, and that... you have nothing to worry about, Molly. You're loved. Don't ever forget that..."
He wasn't sure whether he was referring to himself or her parents, but Molly was loved. Who couldn't love her? You'd have to be heartless not to.
Her father was probably just wallowing in self-pity. Nny didn't condone his decision to bail on his daughter's birthday, blaming it on work of all things, but he was probably afraid.
Nny had never been in a long-term relationship, and he may have killed some of his old flames due to his shifting realities, but he recalled all the times he used to stare at Devi after their infamous date through the window of the bookstore.
Yeah, stalker alert.
Oh, how he had wanted to go in there and talk to her, yet he couldn't. It would have been too hard. That was why he sent her that shitty recording instead. He'd been too much of a coward to face her.
Molly's father was a coward, but Nny could understand his pain. This small child would be hard to face in person. She'd be hard to let go of...
The man would live to regret his decision, just as Nny regretted hurting Devi every day. Why the hell did he listen to the Doughboys that time when they told him to kill her? The girl had actually liked him, and girls like her don't come around often.
She was not only smart, funny, but beautiful too, and he'd let her get away...
Thank God she beat the shit out of him. He may have just gone through with killing her.
Nny would not repeat the same mistake with Molly. Her love wasn't ephemeral. For all he knew, he and Devi may have gotten married and had kids, then divorced years later, but with Molly, it was evergreen.
Tears slipped from Molly's eyes at last, and he sighed in relief. Thank God, she wasn't broken. Not quite yet. Nny could still save her pretty little mind.
Nny grinned, placing his elbow on his knee. He balanced his chin on his hand. "So, you going to smile for me now? Come on, show me that cute smile..."
Her tears continued to fall, but she still gave him a cute smile. Nny's own stretched across his face.
"There it is. Happy Birthday, by the way. I'm sorry I didn't get you anything. If I had to be honest, I wasn't sure what to get you..."
She half laughed, half cried, wiping her face. "That's okay. You don't have to get me anything, Nny. I know you love me too, don't worry."
Nny almost fell off his box, but then he righted himself, looking over at her nervously. "Where did you—?"
"I can just tell. You have very big, expressive eyes..."
His eyes bugged. Did he now? That was news to him. Nny thought his eyes were dead and lifeless.
Molly jumped off the seat and hugged him for the millionth time. She did that a lot. Nny thought it was akin to a lamb hugging a lion, but what could you do. The child was a hugger.
"Thank you, Nny, and also... having you as my friend is the best gift of all..."
She pecked his cheek then skipped away. When the door shut behind her, Nny stared after her for a while, his aortic pump doing flips in his chest. It was like he was on a big roller-coaster, and he was about to dip.
But he knew the feeling was here to stay this time.
"Such a nice girl. I see you've taken my advice from all those years ago, Nny. See? Feelings are good..."
Nny scowled at Reverend Meat on a nearby countertop. "Shut up."
And the burger statue shut up. Nny even had better control over the voices inside his head, and that was a good sign too.
It looked as if Nny had only gone and lost the battle with his emotions in the end. But who cared.
Nny had found something special.
Thank you for reading.
I normally write romance, but this was and always will be a platonic friendship. It's a shame there isn't a lot of expressions to describe the sensation of falling in love in general in the English language, but you can fall in love in many ways.
I loved writing about Nny and love. I'm surprised he has thoughts like that since he comes across as pessimistic and dark. He acknowledges it's real and doesn't deny its existence, but he knows it's out of his reach. But that doesn't mean it's not real just because he hasn't experienced it.
Well, he has now...
One of my favourite movie quotes is from the movie Aquamarine, and it's cheesy as heck, but it stayed with me years after watching it. "Love is the closest thing we have to magic..." 😭
Well, peace out, fellow humans.