Ayyyyyyyy...here we go again! Thanks everyone who has picked back up on this fic! It's been ages, I know, and I really appreciate it. Of course, I wouldn't be here without Rolephant's encouragement, so thank you, Rolly P!
"That's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard," the psychologist said. "That's not going to help you recover your memories."
She looked at the man, dumbfounded. For some reason, she felt as though psychologists were not supposed to talk to their clients that way. The man continued as though she didn't notice the dumbstruck look on her face.
"You have an aversion to your given name, and I understand that. But going by Molly is not going to help you figure out why you have such an aversion. It's not going to trigger any memories."
That's where the man was wrong. She had forced Gene to call her Molly for several days and that had been triggering something in the back of her psyche. She wasn't sure what it was, but there were little flashes of a girl that came to her sometimes. It wasn't often and it wasn't long, but the girl would be there, sitting next to a birthday cake. She knew the girl was important, but she couldn't place why.
"You're going to go by your given name from now on. I know it's going to be tough, but it's really the best option for you. It may trigger the memories you need to get over this ordeal. You say you dream about it nightly, but can't remember the dreams? This might help you recall them."
She crossed her arms, unwilling to say any more to the psychologist. She was not going to think of herself as Alex. No one understood. When she heard that name, she felt danger. There was something wrong with being Alex, and if she became Alex, if she found Alex's memories, she would be in danger.
I'll go by A, she thought to herself as the psychologist droned on. If I can't be Molly, at least I'm not Alex.
The session ended and A left the room as Gene walked in. She was furious with her current situation. She had been released from hospital, but due to the fact that her memories hadn't returned, she was not allowed to leave alone. The only point of contact that was on Alex Drake's record was Gene. That meant that there was only one person she could be released to. Gene had said that he would take her back to her flat, but the problem was, it was directly across from the police station where Alex had worked. A refused to go anywhere Alex had been. It was easier to avoid the danger that she felt anytime she was near anything to do with Alex's former life.
A few days into her hospital stay, Gene and two of his officers had brought proof that she was once Alex Drake. They showed her Alex's warrant card, multiple pictures of her in the office and her actual driving license. A was not stupid. All evidence pointed to her being Alex Drake. However, she could not resume the woman's life. She was a different person. She had none of Alex's memories. Nor did she want them, as she had tried to make clear.
A was uncertain what happened to Alex, but she knew it had been bad. There was never a night where she did not dream about what had happened on the boat. However, every morning when she woke up, the dreams disappeared quickly, until all she was left with was the fiery feeling of her throat being dry and the sound of the water of the river hitting the metal of the boat. Those two things were the only thing she could recall of Alex's time in what she assumed was misery. The rest of the story, they had told her about.
A moved her shoulder in a circle. It would get stiff from time to time, something that the doctors stated would happen due to the bullet being in her shoulder for so long. Apparently by the time she had been found, the wound was horribly infected. She wondered idly why Alex had been shot, but firmly pushed that thought out of her mind as soon as it surfaced. Curiosity was dangerous where this was involved.
Gene came out of the psychologist's office and looked at her. He didn't really look smug, as she had expected he would. Instead, to her, he looked somewhat defeated. Why would he look defeated, when she had just lost the fight to her name? He got to call her Alex again. Surely he would be happy. Maybe the psychologist had given him a bollocking as well for going along with the 'absolutely stupid' idea of the doctor's.
However, he said nothing about what had happened, merely raising his eyebrows at her. "You ready to get out of here?"
She nodded, and he opened the door for her. They exited the building in silence.
A clambered into the Quattro and Gene began driving away from the psychologist's office. She hated being in the car. It stirred something in the very back of her memory, tried to bring it forward so she could reminisce. She spent more time focusing on pushing the thoughts away than on the drive, and soon, they were back in front of Gene's flat.
She had not been surprised to find that Gene's flat was sparsely furnished, only containing the essentials of living, as well as a telly and a small collection of books. Since she had moved in a few days ago, there were some things of Alex's too, some of her favourite books, some clothes, but other than that, it was still the spartan bachelor pad it had once been.
"I suppose at sometime we should address the elephant in the room," Gene said finally, after throwing his keys onto an immaculate countertop.
A looked at him, confused. "What's that?"
"What the psychologist said about your name. He wants you to start using the name Alex again."
"Psychologists are a load of wankers," she replied, fully aware that Alex was a psychologist.
Gene raised an eyebrow and suppressed a smirk. "I don't think you and I have ever been more in agreement, but I do have some respect after dealing with you before. I think he might be right."
A scoffed. What no one seemed to understand was that she didn't want her memories back. She had been moulded from all of the bad from the Before, as she called it, and she knew that to regain any memory was to remember all the bad. She had no wish to live through that again. "I mean, I guess. I still don't like the name, but apparently that's what I'm supposed to confront. You could use the nickname too if you want."
"You mean Bolly?"
"Yeah," she said carefully. She didn't want him to call her Alex. Something told her that he didn't really use the name if Bolly was an acceptable substitute. However, he couldn't realize that he was being manipulated into this. If he did, he would double down on the name Alex. "I mean, apparently all names I used before I hate, but I'm supposed to use them." She rolled her eyes. "I doubt it's going to do anything anyway."
The indifference was the key. She saw Gene's eyes narrow for a moment as though trying to figure out her motivation, but then his face softened and he shrugged. "If you're not gonna get your knickers in a twist, I'll call you Bolly."
She felt relief flood through her, but left her face in a mask of annoyance. "Bloody psychologists," she muttered.
Gene gave a half smile at her. "Couldn't have said it better myself." His voice was somewhat sad, but she had noticed that whenever he talked to or looked at her, his demeanour was such. He was treating her gently, like she could explode at any time. A was certain that was because he was in mourning for the person she used to be in the Before. He missed Alex, longed for her.
A didn't really care about that fact. She was only staying with Gene until she was deemed recovered enough to live on her own. She figured after a few more weeks, as long as she showed she could cope with the real world, they would release her, lamenting the fact that her memories didn't come back, but maybe they would some day. The biggest hurdle in that plan, however, was the fact that in order to truly show she could not regain her memory, she had to face Fenchurch East. She dreaded the idea of that.
A knew that if she returned to Fenchurch, the memories would more than likely return. If she struggled keeping them at bay in Gene's car, what was going to happen when she got to the place that Alex worked? Trying to compartmentalize Alex into a separate person could only work this well for so long. Sooner or later she was going to have to confront the memories.
But could she be strong enough to keep them away? It was getting easier every time she sat in the Quattro. Maybe she was stronger than she thought she was. Maybe by continuing to force the memories away, she would ensure they would never come back. She could block them out, and force it that Alex Drake could never come back.
"Bolly," Gene's voice said, snapping her out of her reverie.
A looked at him, startled. "Yeah?"
"I asked if you wanted to go somewhere for supper."
After several days at Gene's, A figured out that he was not that great of a cook. She would rather go out anytime than try one of his forced concoctions again. She shuddered slightly, remembering how horribly wrong beans on toast had gone. How could anyone mess up beans on toast?
"Where should we go?" she asked, knowing what he was going to suggest.
"We could try Luigi's. You used to like it a lot and CID misses you. They've been asking after you."
A frowned, debating. She had just had this conflict a few minutes ago. If she went, then she could show the psychologist that she was attempting to assimilate back in the real world. There was the risk of the memories reemerging, but there was always going to be that risk. As much as A didn't want to experience the Before, she knew that if they were ever going to leave her alone, she had to go.
"Sure," she said finally, nodding. "I might as well try." She wondered if he knew she was lying to his face. She figured that he believed her, believed that it was Alex trying to come back. She smiled to herself, careful to keep it small so that Gene wouldn't notice. They walked out to his car and pulled out, driving toward their destination. She felt the familiar niggle in the back of her brain, something tugging, trying to come forward, but brushed it off. She would stay in the present, not letting whispers of the past phase her.
A felt her uneasiness grow as they got closer and closer to Luigi's. It was no longer a small feeling in the back of her mind. A felt as though her mind was under full assault, trying to push back any familiarity with the scenery. As they passed an alley on the right side of the street, her whole mind panicked and went mercifully blank.
"It shut down," A thought. Every thought and memory of the before that had been plaguing her was gone. For the first time in days, her mind was mercifully quiet. There was no little girl on the corner of her vision. There were no whispers in the back of her mind. There was only A, and that's all there would be from now on.
A walked into Luigi's, a dangerous smile on her face. Somehow she knew, no matter what she did, those memories would no longer come back. Alex Drake no longer existed. She was nothing more to anyone else, but a memory.