Some hacker took the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just more madness from my tiny mind.
Hackers And Heartbreak
"So, who are we supposed to go after again?" Archer asked as he sat in the back seat of Krieger's van.
Pam was sitting in the front seat. "Didn't you pay attention or read the dossier?"
"If you have to ask," Archer snickered.
Pam rolled her eyes. "We're going after a hacker called Dream Eater. He's been terrorizing a lot of hedge fund companies by infiltrating their systems, shutting them down and blackmailing them for billions of dollars in cryptocurrency."
"He's so cool!" Krieger grinned. "I can't wait to meet him!"
"Yeah for a full ten seconds right before we kill him," Archer remarked.
"NO!" Krieger and Pam snapped at the same time.
"We're not killing the hacker?" Archer was confused.
"No, dumb-nuts!" Pam rolled her eyes. "We're going to recruit him."
"Read the dossiers once in a while!" Krieger snapped.
"Why does Mother want to recruit a hacker?" Archer asked. "We already have Krieger!"
"Because your mother is looking for more people for our agency," Pam told him. "Apparently it's this weird thing when spy agencies have less than a two-dozen people working at it…It's not as respected as the bigger ones."
"Plus, two hackers are better than one!" Krieger grinned. "Think of all the fun we could have."
"Unfortunately, I can," Archer groaned. "And I imagine so can the prosecuting attorney."
"I can't believe that Lana's not on this one," Pam remarked. "She's usually good at this stuff. Getting intel and convincing people to join us."
"That's because I told Mother we didn't need her," Archer waved. "Just you and Krieger are enough."
"Wait hang on," Pam did a double take. "You purposely passed up a chance to annoy Lana for an entire mission?"
"And Ms. Archer let you?" Krieger was surprised as well.
"I just wanted one mission without hearing her nagging," Archer told them. "Is that so hard to believe?"
"Yes," Both Pam and Krieger said at the same time.
"We're here," Krieger pointed to a large hotel. "Dream Eater was on the grid not even two hours ago. And according to my scientifically accurate and soon to be patented Krieger-Location 4000, he's right in this building!"
Archer read the sign. "The Holiday Hampton Budget Hotel. Not exactly the Ritz-Carlton."
"You really think a hacker is stupid enough to stay at one of the richest hotels in New York?" Pam looked at him. "Obviously he's on the downlow."
"It's a nice hotel," Krieger said as he parked the van. "They have a lot of conventions and everything. And a four-star pool. A lovely garden for weddings. An excellent breakfast buffet. Seriously. They have a great waffle bar on Sunday."
"Who are you?" Archer asked. "Trip Advisor? How do you know all this?"
"I've been here a couple of times," Krieger waved. "For conventions. My Rush Fan Group meets here every year. And low budget comic-cons. And uh…Other events."
"Do I really want to know?" Archer asked.
"Uh…" Krieger paused.
FLASHBACK!
Several people were sitting in chairs arranged in a circle. Krieger was with Mitsuko. "Okay welcome to Scientists Who Love Too Much Too Strange Support Group," Krieger said cheerfully. "Good news. The bill that allows hologram slash human marriage has gone onto the state senate!"
"Well that doesn't help us," An older male scientist grumbled as he sat next to a robot.
"Beep, boop, beep," The robot said.
"I told you we will talk about this in the car!" The older male scientist snapped. "Why do you always have to bring things up in public?"
"Beeep! BEEEP!"
"Watch your processors!" The older male scientist snapped. "I made you and I can destroy you! As soon as I find where you hid my tools!"
FLASHBACK!
There was a banner saying KRIEGER FAMILY/CLONE ARMY REUNION. "Come on everybody!" Krieger was holding a camera. "Everybody say clone bone!"
"Clone Bone!" Dozens of different Kriegers called out cheerfully.
FLASHBACK!
Another banner. This one read MAD SCIENTIST MIXER.
The room was dark and there were strobe lights on. As well as party music. Krieger was standing by the punch bow wearing his lab coat and an apron and nothing else. He was talking to a woman wearing only a lab coat and a gas mask.
"Come here often?" Krieger asked.
FLASHBACK!
Krieger was standing around talking to several Krieglins drinking punch. A banner saying KRIEGTOPIA FAMILY REUNION was hanging overhead.
FLASHBACK!
Another banner. This one said STRIP POKER REGIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS!
Krieger was in his underwear. He was at a table with a few more men and women in their underwear. Pam was sitting next to him fully clothed. "Read 'em and weep suckers!" She cackled. "Full house!"
"Aw man…" Krieger groaned. "I'm out."
"You soon will be…" Pam snickered.
FLASHBACK!
Another banner. SCIENTIFIC BAKE OFF! AMATEUR DIVISION.
Krieger was standing at a table with a green glowing cake. Another scientist on his right side also had a green glowing cake. And another on Krieger's left side had some kind of Jell-O mold that appeared to have blinking eyes.
"Okay contestants," A judge who looked and sounded a lot like Alton Brown called out. "What did I say about using plutonium or anything radioactive to cook your food? I swear every year I have to remind you people…"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
The Judge did a double take. "Okay whose Crème Brule is that? You can't put acid in Crème Brule! You are definitely disqualified!"
"AHAAAAHHHH!"
"As is the contestant whose cake is eating one of the judges," The Judge snapped. "Somebody get the flamethrower! AGAIN!"
FLASHBACK!
There was a gorgeous wedding in the room. The bride and groom were in front of a minister saying their vows. The guests were watching. Well some of them were watching the bride and groom.
Krieger was in a seat dressed up like a Rebel Pilot from Star Wars. "I'm a day early for the comic-con convention, aren't I?" He remarked to another guest who was glaring at him.
FLASHBACK!
A college job fair was going on in the room. Krieger was at his own booth. He had a banner saying ASK ME ABOUT A CAREER IN SCIENCE! And another saying BE AN UNPAID INTERN TODAY! ASK ABOUT OUR DEATH BENEFITS PLAN.
"Man, I've been here all day and not one new intern," Krieger grumbled. "I wonder why?"
"Reeeee!" Piggly squealed in all his glowing glory.
"Oh, that's easy for you to say!" Krieger snapped. "You didn't even hand out any flyers! You ate them all!"
FLASHBACK!
This time there was a memorial service in the room. Several people looked at Krieger strangely.
Which was no wonder considering he was dressed like a clown complete with a red nose, rainbow wig and big red shoes.
"I missed the Healing Through Humor seminar, didn't I?" Krieger asked. "Man, I gotta get myself an actual calendar."
"Sir," A hotel staff member coughed. "The Healing Through Humor Seminar is tomorrow night."
"What time?" One of the mourners asked.
FLASHBACK!
This time there was a banner saying COMMODE-CON! PLUMBER'S CONVENTION!
Krieger was pushing a pallet as fast as he could. The pallet had several toilets on it. "HEY!" Someone shouted. "That guy is taking our floor models!"
"Come back with the Flush-O-Matic 6000!" Another man shouted.
"The things I do to save money for the office," Krieger groaned as he pushed the pallet as fast as he could.
FLASHBACK!
This time there was a sales convention. "So how long have you been in sales?" A man in a business suit asked Krieger.
"Oh, I'm not a professional salesperson," Krieger explained. "I'm a scientist. I mean I dabble in sales occasionally but I'm mostly on the research and development end."
"Then why are you here?" The salesman asked. "Are you looking for someone to sell your products?"
"Nope," Krieger told him. "I had a free weekend and I was kind of bored. So, I thought I'd just show up here and see what was going on. Do you know anyone in the sex toy business? I have some ideas…"
"SECURITY!" The salesman shouted.
FLASHBACK!
This time Krieger wasn't inside the building, but in back of it. "You got the goods?" A shady looking man asked as he met Krieger in an alley.
"Oh yeah," Krieger showed him a medical container. "Fresh organs. Right off the table. What's your pleasure? Liver? Heart? Some eyeballs? I grew 'em fresh this morning!"
"Grew them?" The man asked.
"Figure of speech," Krieger told him. "I definitely didn't harvest these organs from the corpses of my own failed clones. Nope. Nope. Nope."
The shady man sighed. "I meet the weirdest people in this racket."
FLASHBACK!
Krieger was back in the convention room posing with a few people. They were all wearing colorful horse costumes. "BRONYCON!" Krieger called out as their picture was taken.
FLASHBACK!
"Hello!" Krieger was at a podium. "And welcome one and all to my first Cyborg Support Group seminar."
In the audience was Ray, Barry, Dr. Quinn, some Krieger clones, some Krieglins and several other people. "Now before we begin I'd like to remind some of you that many of you are under free warranty for yearly checks on your robotics," Krieger explained. "Are there any questions about that?"
"Yeah, I have a question," Conway Stern spoke up. He was in a wheelchair and there was a bandage where his foot had been. "Do you give discounts for repeat clients?"
FLASHFORWARD!
"No, you do not," Krieger said as casually as he could.
"I thought this place looked familiar," Pam realized.
Soon they were inside the hotel. And looking at the display where the convention hall was. "According to my device the cell phone of the Dream Eater is in there," Krieger pointed to the room which had mini statues and pictures of colorful and familiar creatures all over the place.
"A Pokémon Tournament?" Archer did a double take. "Seriously?"
"Are we talking cards or video game?" Pam asked.
"Both," Krieger told her. "Hey! Dream Eater is a Pokémon move! I just got that!"
"Are you telling me we're here to recruit some lunatic that lives in a fantasy world?" Archer groaned. "Who probably thinks he's the greatest whatever he is that ever lived because he has some skills? Probably has an ego the size of Cleveland."
Pam and Krieger looked at him. "Yeah. Imagine living with one of those," Pam remarked dryly.
"How will we ever manage?" Krieger added sarcastically.
"Okay I wasn't going to say anything," Archer remarked. "But Cyril has been a bit insufferable lately. All the more reason we don't need another geek! Pass! I'm going to the bar!" He moved off.
"But Archer…" Krieger frowned.
"I'll watch him," Pam waved. "You track down Dream Eater."
"Are you going to watch Archer or the guy serving the drinks?" Krieger asked as she went after him.
"Well I have to make sure the dude isn't watering them down," Pam told him.
Soon Pam and Archer were drinking at the bar. "Where were these drinks made?" Archer snapped at the bartender. "In the middle of Lake Eire?"
"Yeah, we might end up sober by the end of the night," Pam quipped.
"Just leave a bottle of Glengoolie Blue," Archer snapped. "We'll pour our own drinks and do your job for you! So don't expect a tip. Actually here's a tip. Don't water down good drinks! Or barely serviceable ones."
"What's Glengoolie Blue?" The Bartender was confused.
"Oh my God…" Archer was stunned. "How does a bartender not know what Glengoolie Blue is?"
"Because up until an hour ago I was the lifeguard for the swimming pool," The Bartender explained.
"Wow, talk about your promotions," Pam remarked.
"What happened to the regular bartender?" Archer asked.
"He was arrested yesterday for bigamy and embezzlement," The Bartender explained.
"What about the pool?" Pam asked.
"It was closed down by the health department due to some weird algae that appeared during the last baking contest held at the hotel," The Bartender explained.
"How could some algae show up during a baking contest?" Archer asked.
"Krieger?" Pam looked at Archer.
"Oh right," Archer realized. "Wait, don't hotels have more than one bartender?"
"We did," The Bartender explained. "But one quit due to finding out that the regular bartender was bigamist. She was dating him. And the other one ran off with Mrs. Wallace from Room 372."
"Didn't they call in another bartender?" Archer asked. "An emergency bartender?"
"They did," The Bartender told him. "But the emergency bartender got into a fight with the pastry chef who it turns out was sleeping with his wife. Who happens to be the concierge for this hotel. And while they were both taken to the hospital for stab wounds, the concierge ran off with one of the front desk workers."
"Man, this is one crazy hotel," Pam whistled. "No wonder Krieger likes to spend his free time here."
"You should have been here during the plumbers' convention," The Bartender told him. "Twelve affairs, two attempted murders, three heart attacks and some guy came in and stole a bunch of toilets off of the showroom floors."
"When's the next convention?" Pam asked.
"I was only promoted to lifeguard a month ago after the last one drowned in some Jell-O," The Bartender went on. "I was a bellhop before that. The only reason they gave me the job was the fact that I was the only one who knew how to swim. That's because I grew up on a boat where my father and his two boyfriends ran a pirate radio station slash illegal oyster poaching operation."
"I didn't ask for your life story Horatio Alger!" Archer snapped.
"My name is Ted," The Bartender told him.
"Obviously you haven't had any training," Archer groaned.
"Unless you count the manager telling me to pour drinks and put a lot of water in them, then no," Ted shrugged.
"Fine…" Archer sighed.
Ted added. "Right before he ran off to visit his mistress who's the wife of the owner of the Ritz Carlton."
Archer groaned. "I want a bartender and I get Arthur Hailey."
"I just told you my name is Ted."
"Just give us that bottle of Johnnie Walker over there!" Archer snapped. "Yes! That bottle! Just give us that and leave us two empty shot glasses!"
"Okay," Ted sighed as he did so. "I need to go on break anyway. I have to sort things out with my fiancée. I think she may still be married to her ex-husband who's the head of security. She swore to me she got divorced while he was in prison." He left the bar.
"I gotta start coming to this joint more often," Pam remarked. "But not bring anything valuable."
"Just how I want to spend a Saturday night," Archer grumbled as he poured himself a drink. "Looking for a geek to come to work with our gang of idiots in a hotel populated by characters from a bad soap opera and David Copperfield's dumber American cousin."
He winced from the drink. "Drinking substandard Johnnie Walker."
"Hang on," Pam paused as she took a sip. "I know this drink. This isn't Johnnie Walker. Let me see the label. Ah ha! This isn't Johnnie Walker. This just has a fake Johnnie Walker label pasted over it."
"Well then what the hell is it Miss Marble Cake?"
Pam pulled the label off. "Jimmy Warbler. I knew this tasted familiar. Back on the farm my Uncle Paul used to drink this shit by the gallon. And use it to clean his tractor. To be fair, that tractor always looked showroom new."
"Figures," Archer sighed as he got up and went behind the bar. "The one hotel Cheryl hasn't burned to the ground. Let's see…Okay this looks halfway decent."
He opened the bottle and took a sip from it. "I was right."
"Well then don't be stingy with the hooch, Pooch," Pam told him as she motioned with her glass. "Either pour me one or give me my own bottle."
Archer looked at the bottles. "How's an E and J Brandy sound?" He handed her one.
"Won't know until I put it in my glass," Pam took the bottle. She opened it and drank from the bottle. "Sounds like Pammy's gonna get wasted tonight."
"I'll drink to that," Archer went back around with his bottle. "At least this night won't be a complete waste."
"Oh, come on Archer," Pam looked at him. "Since when are you such a sourpuss about missions? I thought you liked meeting new people? And insulting them."
"I think there's been enough change in this office that's all," Archer grumbled as he took a drink.
Pam looked at him. "Are you talking about Lana hooking up with Robert?"
"No," Archer pouted.
"You are!" Pam was shocked. "You're still not over Lana getting married!"
"No!" Archer protested.
"I don't believe it," Pam shook her head and took a drink. "The Sterling Archer I know would hump everything in sight in order to work out his problems. Well that and run away screaming like a little bitch. And get amnesia."
"That was just one time!" Archer protested.
"I thought we settled this a while back?" Pam looked at him.
"I thought so too," Archer sighed. "But no matter how hard I try…It's just not the same. Barry thinks it's because I'm trying to hard…"
"You talked to Barry about this?" Pam remarked. "Wow, you really are hurting more than I thought."
Archer sighed. "What does it say about me when I have more in common with my arch enemy turned best friend who is a cyborg than the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and have a kid with?"
"Really?" Pam asked. "You were going to marry Lana?"
"Well," Archer paused. "Eventually. In a decade or so…"
"Uh huh," Pam rolled her eyes. "Face it Archer. That wasn't going to happen."
"It could have!" Archer protested.
"No, it couldn't," Pam told him. "Other than being hot and working for your mother, name one thing you and Lana have in common!"
"Does liking sex in elevators count?"
"It does if you're dating Cyril," Pam scoffed as she drank.
"Damn it," Archer frowned.
"Look I know opposites attract but let's be real here," Pam told him. "You need more than sex to keep a relationship together."
"I thought we had that," Archer told her. "I thought she was my best friend!"
"And then you blew her off by blowing Veronica Deane," Pam looked at him.
"Technically she was the one who…" Archer paused. "Never mind. Not important."
"You know what your problem is?" Pam asked.
"Besides not having access to halfway decent scotch?"
"Lana was your fallback plan," Pam told him.
"Fallback plan?"
"Yeah you know?" Pam explained. "The plan you have when things change and your life isn't working for you anymore. Be honest, were you planning on settling down with Lana in the immediate future?"
"We…talked about that," Archer paused. "I think. Kind of hard not to tune Lana out sometimes."
"I thought so," Pam snorted. "Archer you love your life of adventure, alcohol and free sex with dangerous dames. So why change it?"
"You're right. I'm awesome," Archer took a drink. "It seems like we've had this conversation before."
"You seem to need this conversation every now and then," Pam pointed out. "You know? Because your attention span is that of a fruit fly in an organic produce bin."
Archer finished his drink and smashed the bottle on the floor. "You know what Pam? I feel like celebrating! What was I thinking?"
"I'm thinking we should open up another bottle of booze," Pam told him.
"Good plan," Archer nodded. "Give me the Jimmie Warbler for a moment. That had a better aftertaste than I thought."
Speaking of which…We should check on Krieger.
"YES! I WON!" Krieger whooped as he sat at a card table. "Suck it Timmy!"
A small boy started crying on the other side of the table. "There's no crying in Pokémon!" Krieger snapped. "Suck it up!"
Okay, forget checking on Krieger.
While the Pokémon tournament was going on in the convention hall, another event was going on in the garden area in the back of the hotel. A couple was getting married in front of all their family and friends.
"Dan and Tara," The minister spoke in a booming voice. "You have chosen to enter the state of marriage. Marriage is a commitment. If anyone has any objections to this union, let him speak now or forever hold his peace."
"Okay! I'll say something!" Archer stood up. He and Pam had snuck into the wedding and were drinking in the back. "Anybody who thinks about getting married should be committed! To a good hotel! In Vegas!"
"With hookers!" Pam hiccupped.
Archer walked down the aisle with a bottle in his hand. "Look. Look. Look…I know why you shouldn't get married. It's a mistake! A big mistake!"
"First of all…" Archer looked at Tara. "I didn't have sex with you, did I? I honestly can't remember all the women I've slept with over the years."
"God no!" Tara was insulted.
"Oh good," Archer waved. "Okay Dan you can breathe easy on that front. I admit it. Odds are with me are 50-50 that I slept with a woman."
Archer noticed someone. "Like her! Yeah you in the pink dress. I remember sleeping with you! I remember you from Crammers!"
"What the hell is Crammers?" The man sitting next to the woman asked.
"Nothing," The woman said quickly. "Nowhere."
"It's a strip club," Archer said. "She worked at a strip club. Even in that tacky dress I recognize those boobs."
"Oh yeah," Pam realized as she walked up to the front. "Satin! Satin! It's me Pam! Remember what we did in the bathroom of Crammers? And how…"
"I've never seen you people in my life!" The woman said angrily. "You must have me confused with someone else!"
"Do you have a dolphin tattoo on your ass?" Pam asked. "That says Danger Zone?"
The man turned to her. "You were a stripper?"
"Thanks a lot Archer!" The woman snapped. She turned to the man. "It was a long time ago. We'll talk about it another time."
"That's what they all say dude," Archer snorted. "Then they try to avoid talking about it. Unless they want you to listen to their opinion. Oh yeah that they can't wait to yammer on about!"
"You told me you were a waitress!" The man glared at the woman formerly known as Satin.
"She was," Pam hiccupped. "A topless one!"
The crowd was shocked. "Oh, don't act like that," Archer snapped. "People take their clothes off for money. It's a fact of life."
"You weren't a stripper, right?" Pam asked Tara.
"NO!" Tara shouted.
"How about you?" Pam asked Dan. "You seem familiar. Did we have sex?"
"I never saw you in my life!" Dan snapped. "Somebody call security!"
"No, we didn't have sex," Pam waved. "I'd remember sleeping with someone that uptight."
"I think we're getting off the track here," Archer then burped. "Excuse me. My point is marriage is a sham. They say they're going to be with you forever and that you are their soulmate and best friend and blah, blah, blah…But they don't mean it."
"That's why God invented prenups," Pam burped. "Sorry. The Jimmy Warbler I drank has a kick."
"You're going to open yourself to heartbreak Dan!" Archer warned. "Heartbreak!"
"Seriously?" Tara looked around. "Somebody get these drunks out of here!"
"It's the same old story," Archer rambled on. "She says she loves you and wants to marry you. But then you make one little mistake…"
"He screwed a homicidal maniac," Pam explained. "Who tried to frame his ex-girlfriend for the murder she committed."
"And then you accidentally fall into one little coma…" Archer went on.
"For three years," Pam added.
"And then she just moves on!" Archer told the crowd. "Not even eight months into your coma just ups and marries some old billionaire! While standing over your comatose body…"
"Technically they met in the hallway," Pam explained. "And they got married at this lovely…"
"It doesn't matter Pam!" Archer snapped. Then he let out a long burp. "Damn that Jimmie Warbler has a kick."
"Told you," Pam looked at him.
"My point is," Archer paused. "I'm awesome. My life is great and I'm the greatest spy in the world! Which is something you'll never be Lana! Go ahead and live your life with your billionaire husband who spoiler alert…Will probably dump you or die on you sooner or later. And you won't get any money. I win! HA!"
"Seriously!" Dan shouted. "Where the hell is security! I WANT SECURITY NOW!"
"I recognize that voice!" Pam realized. "Now I remember you! You used to bartend at the Snug!"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Dan glared at her.
"Yes, you do!" Pam realized. "You're that bartender Ray dated for a bit. Then you got thrown out of your ass at the Snug for causing that fire. And stealing everyone else's tips. And that thing with the octopus."
"What thing with what octopus?" Tara's voice rose.
"These people are clearly drunk!" Dan said to her. "And liars! Security!"
"Oh yeah," The man with the former stripper grumbled. "They're the liars."
"Shut up, Glen!" The former stripper snapped.
"I am so getting a pre-nup before our wedding!" Glen shot back.
"Go ahead!" The former stripper snapped. "I know about your little visits to that dominatrix club in Jersey! And what you did with your brother's wife last year! Yeah! Let's see how that goes!"
"You did what with my wife?" Glenn's brother shouted. He looked at his wife. "What the hell is she talking about?"
"She means your wife had an affair with your brother," Archer spoke up. "Duh! Follow the clues dude! I can and I'm pretty buzzed."
"WHAT?" Glenn's brother shouted. "YOU BASTARD!" He reached over and punched Glenn in the jaw.
Glenn's brother's wife glared at the former stripper. "You little skank! You had to blab your big mouth! And I kept your secret!"
"You were a stripper at Crammers too!" The former stripper snapped as their respective men fought. "You were protecting your own secret. Bubbles!"
"YOU BITCH!" The woman formerly known as Bubbles leapt and attacked the other woman. Soon there was a small riot in the aisles.
"Hey I remember you," Archer pointed. "You're the guy who dumped Ray for some butch dude named Percy."
"Your cousin Percy?" Tara did a double take. "The one who is still living at your house? The one you want to move in with us?"
"I'm not a cousin sweetie," A huge muscular man stood up.
"Shut up Percy!" Dan hissed.
"WHAT?" Tara shouted.
"I told you this stupid plan of yours wouldn't work!" Percy snapped. "If these two drunks can figure out you're just marrying Tara for her money…"
"WHAT?" Tara roared.
"Oops," Archer blinked. "Did I faux pas?"
"Well I've had it with you Dan!" Percy snapped. "Tara he's all yours! Dan I'm leaving you!" The large man left in huff.
"Percy! NO!" Dan screamed. "Baby Cakes!"
"BABY CAKES?" Tara yelled. She started beating up Dan with her bouquet. "YOU BASTARD!"
"Oh, screw this!" Dan snapped. "You're a bitch anyway! Your money is the only reason anyone will marry you! PERCY! WAIT! OW!"
Tara pulled his hair and kicked him. "GET OUT OF HERE YOU BASTARD!"
"I am so sorry Tara," Archer apologized. "Usually in my experience it's the woman that has a deep dark secret and runs out. I shouldn't have put that assumption on you. Mea culpa."
"You wanna mea my culpa?" Pam wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.
"EXCUSE ME?" Tara screamed. "I JUST GOT JILTED ON MY WEDDING DAY AND YOU ARE HITTING ON ME?"
"Well not if you're going to have an attitude about it," Pam remarked.
"Have a little sensitivity Pam!" Archer snapped. "Tara you'd rather have sex with me, right?"
A few minutes later in the hotel lobby…
"Man, that Tara really is a bitch," Archer grumbled as he walked with a black eye. "Why was she mad at me? I practically saved her ass from a horrible marriage. And a very long and expensive divorce."
"You can't do a good deed anymore," Pam sighed. She showed him a slightly damaged bouquet. "Hey! I caught the bouquet!"
"I don't think it's good luck if the bride throws it at you after the groom runs off after being outed," Archer told him.
"Aw man…" Pam shrugged. "Still nice. Was it me or did that group seem really uptight?"
"Just a little," Archer remarked as several police officers ran past them to the garden area. "Man, I forgot how nasty Satin can be in a fight."
"Bubbles is no slouch either," Pam nodded. "Wait are there lilies in this bouquet? Who the hell puts lilies in bouquet unless you're a member of the Adams family?"
"No wonder that marriage was dead on arrival," Archer snorted.
"Eh…" Pam threw the bouquet over her shoulder. It landed on the floor behind her. A businessman on his phone didn't notice and slipped on the bouquet and fell to the floor.
Archer's phone rang. "What?" Archer answered it.
"Guys! Get to the tournament!" Krieger said excitedly. "I think I found Dream Eater!"
"Oh right," Pam realized. "I'd forgotten we were supposed to be doing that."
"Good to be on the ball Krieger," Archer said. "Come on. Let's go kill us a hacker."
"Recruit," Pam corrected.
"Oh right," Archer realized. "Sorry. My bad. I'm used to killing them."
"Just don't kill this one," Pam told him as they went to the competition. "Or your mother will kill you!"
"Thanks for reminding me," Archer told Pam. "Clearly I forgot."
"You do tend to gloss over details like that," Pam shrugged.
They met up with Krieger in the convention room. "I had no idea how many adults were in this thing," Archer looked around. "I don't get it."
"What's not to get?" Krieger asked. "Cute personal monsters that shoot out either fire, water or electricity?"
"That would be handy on missions," Pam realized.
"Right?" Krieger asked. "You can even have your own dragons! Or fire breathing ocelots!"
"Dragons? Fire breathing…" Archer's eyes widened for a second before sanity took hold. (what there was of it) "No! No! Krieger do not make actual Pokémon!"
"I already got an injunction from the company so I won't," Krieger groaned.
"Nice to see some corporations are on top of things," Pam mused. "So where is Dream Eater?"
"Who?" Krieger asked. "Oh right. The hacker! I forgot we were supposed to be doing that. Anyway, I tracked the signal of the phone Dream Eater used last and she's over there!"
"She?" Archer suddenly got very interested. He saw an attractive woman with short red hair, green top and stylish jeans in boots nearby. "This mission just got interesting."
"Her name is Miranda McCain," Krieger explained. "She's thirty-six…"
"All I need to know," Archer smirked. He went over to Miranda. "Hey there Dream Eater. How would you like for me to make your dreams come true?"
"Unless you're here to tell me I won the lottery and my cheating bastard of an ex-husband is dead," Miranda didn't even look at him. "Scram loser."
"Hey!" Archer barked. "I'm not one of these losers that play around with digital enslaved animals all day! I'm Sterling Archer! World's greatest secret agent."
"In what game?" Miranda didn't even turn around.
"In real life!" Archer snapped. "In actual reality! I know that's hard to come by around here but seriously lady…"
"He really is a spy," Pam said as they walked over to him. "From an actual agency that's sort of connect to the government."
"Sort of?" Miranda looked at them.
"It's complicated," Archer waved. "Look we know you're the hacker Dream Eater."
"I tracked you down," Krieger said happily. "It's very nice to meet you!"
"You did what?" Miranda glared at them. "Why would you track my phone?"
"Only the phone you used to hack into several hedge funds over the weekend," Krieger protested. "It's not like I was looking for personal information. Okay technically I was but…"
"What do you mean my phone has been used to hack into…?" Miranda did a double take. "Hang on. TIFFANY!"
"Tiffany?" Pam and Archer said at the same time.
"She did it again, didn't she?" Miranda groaned. "TIFFANY!"
"What?" A twelve-year-old red-haired girl with pigtails in a pink top with the words Don't Mess With Me on it walked up. She had a lot of attitude for a twelve-year-old. "Mom I'm about to kick some loser's butt! Can't it wait?"
"This is the Dream Eater?" Archer barked.
"Uh…" Tiffany paused. "No."
"Tiffany don't lie to me," Miranda glared at her daughter. "Have you been using my phone again? And doing things you shouldn't be doing?"
"Just a little," Tiffany admitted under her mom's glare.
"Tiffany!" Miranda shouted.
"It's just a bunch of hedge row corporate vultures," Tiffany told her. "It's not like I hacked into a smaller local company that actually does something for the community."
"Nice to see some hackers have ethics," Archer remarked.
"Oh, for crying…. Tiffany what did I tell you about hacking into computers and holding them for ransom?" Miranda asked.
"Don't get caught?" Tiffany replied innocently.
"That's what your father said," Miranda snapped. "What did I say?"
"I was going to give you a cut," Tiffany protested.
"Not that!" Miranda groaned. "The other thing."
"Not to do it," Tiffany grumbled.
"That's right!" Miranda snapped. "How much did you steal this time and what did you do with the money?"
"Only a couple million," Tiffany admitted. "I was going to donate it to Greenpeace or something like that."
"Pull the other one," Miranda snapped.
"Yeah, it's more like billion instead of million," Pam added.
"Billion?" Miranda glared at her daughter. "You were trying to buy a theme park again, weren't you?"
"I did the research!" Tiffany protested. "It's an investment!"
"And a way for you to go on all the rides for free," Archer scoffed.
"Well that goes without saying," Tiffany shrugged.
"I see your point," Archer nodded. "That's pretty sweet."
"Don't encourage her!" Miranda snapped. "Are you here to arrest her?"
"No, we're here to offer her a job," Archer told Miranda.
"Actually, she'd be better off working for us."
"What the…?" Archer turned around and saw Hawley and Slater walk up to them. "What are you dicks doing here?"
"Such language in front of impressionable children," Hawley mocked. "Nice to see you too Archer. Not. I guess it was too much to hope you'd die during your coma."
"Told you," Slater remarked. "You owe me fifty bucks."
"Maybe he's brain damaged?" Hawley remarked.
"How can you tell?" Slater quipped.
"Good point," Hawley added.
"Again, what are you dicks doing here?" Archer snapped.
"The same thing you are," Hawley said. "Looking for Dream Eater in order to recruit her."
"We decided it would be easier to follow you," Slater said to Archer smugly.
"Who are you people?" Miranda asked.
"Agent Hawley and Agent Slater, CIA," Hawley showed her his identification. "We actually work for the government as you can see by our credentials. Not these part timers."
"Hey!" Archer barked.
"Excuse me bitch!" Pam said at the same time.
"We found Dream Eater first!" Krieger protested. "We get dibs!"
"Hang on," Miranda spoke up. "Okay I get that my daughter has some talent for hacking but she's only 12 years old. A bit young to be a spy don't you think?"
"We don't want her as a spy," Slater said. "We want her as a consultant."
"Yeah you can even keep the money you stole," Hawley said. "Those hedge funds have tons more in Swiss bank accounts. We've been trying to get them to put more money in our economy for years. This is perfect."
Slater looked at Miranda. "And we'll not only pay your daughter's tuition for college but she can get into any school she wants. And I mean any school."
Miranda looked at Slater. "Keep talking…"
"Yeah school is boring," Tiffany said. "What else you got?"
"Unlimited passes to any theme park in the United States you want," Slater said.
"Including Disney?" Tiffany brightened up.
"Especially Disney," Slater added.
"Oh, come on!" Archer barked. "This is the CIA lady! Almost everything they do is illegal!"
"And your agency is such a bastion of morality," Slater quipped. "How'd that failed drug cartel work out for you?"
"What?" Miranda did a double take.
"They set that whole thing up!" Pam protested.
"Prove it," Slater smirked.
"There he is!" A woman's voice shrieked. "There's the man who made my Timmy cry!"
Two hotel security guards walked up with a woman. "Sir we have a complaint against you," One of them said to Krieger. "The main one is that you entered the tournament without even registering."
"Uh…" Krieger gulped. "Would you believe that was my evil twin?"
"Aren't you your own evil twin?" Pam asked Krieger. "I'm seriously asking."
"To be fair that is a possibility," Krieger admitted.
"Hang on," One of the security guards pointed to Krieger. "Aren't you that guy who stole all those toilets?"
"What?" Pam gasped.
"That's where you got the new toilets for the office?" Archer asked. "They're stolen?"
"Well where else would I get extra strong ones for Pam's bowel movements?" Krieger snapped.
"I think it's pretty obvious which agency can give you and your daughter a better offer," Hawley said to Miranda.
"Mom can I join the CIA?" Tiffany begged. "Please Mom?"
"Are you kidding me?" Archer snapped. "Lady you wouldn't let your kid work with the CIA! They're dangerous!"
"Aren't you the ones who crashed that wedding and started a brawl?" The second security guard asked.
"You were saying?" Slater smirked.
Hawley added. "It's not like we're going to give the kid a gun and send her out into the field."
"Awww…" Tiffany pouted.
Slater whispered to her. "We'll talk after you finish college."
"I don't know…" Miranda sighed.
"We can also get your ex-husband audited by the IRS and force him to pay you more alimony," Hawley added.
"You've got a deal," Miranda told Hawley.
"NO! NO! WAIT A MINUTE!" Archer shouted. "You haven't heard what our agency has to offer yet!"
"This should be good," Slater smirked.
"And what can you offer?" Miranda looked at Archer.
Archer said in his sexiest voice. "How about orgasms? A lot of them."
Less than five minutes later…
"Seriously?" Pam said to Archer as she sat in the back of the van. "That's the best you could come up with?"
"Shut up," Archer grumbled as he sat in the front seat of Krieger's van. He now had a second black eye.
"You look like a freaking raccoon," Pam snorted. "Come on Archer! That line was so bad even Cyril wouldn't say it!"
"That's it," Archer grumbled. "Kick me when I'm down!"
"Well I'm down," Krieger grumbled. "Now I have to find somewhere else to go on my free Saturday nights."
"This has been a bust. Not only did we fail to recruit the hacker," Archer groaned. "We lost out to those CIA dicks. And we got thrown out of a medium budget hotel."
"For no reason!" Krieger pouted.
Archer noticed a few things out the window of the van. Timmy being comforted by his mother. The police taking away several members of the bridal party in handcuffs. Including Tara. The guy who fell on the bouquet being taken away by an ambulance.
"Trust me Krieger," Archer sighed. "There were reasons…On top of it all, our office is holding and using stolen johns. I don't know why this shocks me. It shouldn't after all these years. But it does."
"Ms. Archer isn't gonna be happy about this," Pam sighed.
"What? About the toilets?" Krieger asked.
"No, Algernop Crapper!" Pam snapped. "The fact we couldn't recruit the hacker and we got thrown out of the hotel. She won't be happy about that!"
"No, she will not," Archer sighed.
"The toilets are just gravy at this point," Pam admitted. "Which is ironic considering I've actually dumped rancid gravy down them. What? My cousin sent me a turkey that went bad in shipping."
Archer had an idea. "Who's up for going to Cancun for the weekend?"
"Instead of going back to the office and telling your mother?" Pam asked.
"We can call from the hotel," Archer explained.
"A nice safe distance from the explosion," Pam realized. "I'm in!"
"Me too," Krieger nodded. "Wait won't your mother cut payment on the credit card once she finds out?"
"That's why we're not calling her until after we pay the hotel bill up front," Archer explained. "And order a ton of drinks from room service."
"Better buy the round-trip tickets too," Pam suggested. "First class?"
"You know it," Archer nodded.
"Cancun here we come!" Pam whooped as Krieger drove off.
"I should go on missions more often," Krieger grinned.