"This is a great store for our latest social media campaign. Vintage children's toys," Lauren announced. Josh and Gemma followed her in the door.
The three of them were visiting an antique toy store. She felt like she stepped back in time. Some of the toys and games creeped her out, but they needed this sponsor. Besides this toy shop, he had several big businesses.
"Ooh, Gemma loves that. Get a picture. We need more sponsors." Lauren waved her hands and she blew her a kiss as she held a ragdoll.
"Mama," Gemma squealed excitedly.
"Oh my God! I'm so honored, sweetie!" She hugged the baby.
Josh looked on, a little shocked. "Totally didn't think she would do that. Is that okay with you then?"
"Are you kidding? I'm blown away that she sees me as a maternal figure. Maybe it's my embedded Jewish mother instinct kicking in."
"Do you want a baby someday?" Josh asked.
"Yep. I kinda do. I might go to a clinic to explore my options. It's a little embarrassing that I've turned maternal, and might be looking for donors soon. Max won't help me. So don't say anything. Especially not when my parents see us."
"Don't be embarrassed. Wanting a baby is natural. You will find a way." He looked at her with sudden interest.
"Max is just figuring out his orientation, definitely not ready for a kid yet. We talked. He's in the going to clubs and making intoxicated connections stage. I'm past that. I need to find my own way. He did tell me he will support me in my efforts though."
They continued around the store. She loved some vintage Barbie dolls. "Even though this sets an unrealistic body image, we will post that Gemma loves it with a disclaimer," she laughed. "Because it would be a way to get more hits and comments. Controversy sells."
"So, how is PR going? Are you liking it there? I know it's weird with Liza in charge of you," Josh commented.
"Liza's easy to work for. And the power struggles have lessened with Diana. She wasn't happy I took over so much while she was gone. But I have a voice there. And they honor my voice. Now I think I want to be a life coach on the side."
Josh laughed and Lauren glared at him, slapping his arm with more force than she intended.
"I would be an amazing life coach. I've learned so much through my own and my friends' struggles through the years. I know I am uninhibited, outspoken and used to be a bit crazy, but that's who I am. And it serves me."
"Then do it. Be a life coach," he said. "I'll stop giving you a hard time about it."
"Maybe I will," she announced. "No, not maybe. I will." As he smiled at her and she returned the look, Lauren knew she was in trouble.
….
Kelsey answered the phone this time. This was Lauren's third attempt. "Hey girl, I'm sorry I've been such a bad friend. It's been a while."
"It has. But I'm so glad I got you. I've been majorly stressing over a recent development," Lauren babbled.
"Hmm, do tell. Is she hot? Or he?" Kelsey already knew it had to concern a love interest.
"He's hot alright. I might as well tell you. It's Josh. I have feelings for him. I know, it's wrong. Girl code and all. It would kill Liza."
Kelsey paused for a second before gathering her thoughts. "Maybe it wouldn't. I knew she and Josh tried again to make it work, but she isn't that broken up about it ending. "
"Really? She seems so depressed lately when I see her. I thought that was why."
"Do you ever talk to her, I mean really talk? She's hung up about someone but it isn't Josh."
Lauren began to realize what Kelsey was saying. "Right. Of course. Charles calls her sometimes but Liza never says what they talk about. I've seen the caller ID records here. Long story, trying to track down an author's phone number for Diana."
"Yeah, Liza really doesn't have Josh on her radar. I think between Charles leaving and her running the company, she's got her mind occupied."
"Right. So should I tell Josh how I feel?"
"I think you have to do what feels right for you. But you're always preaching about girl code so at least mention it to Liza."
They had a long conversation about their jobs, friends and dating lives. When they got off the phone it felt like old times again, like Kelsey never moved away.
…..
As Lauren got home from work, took off her heels and settled into a pilates workout, she saw Josh playing a video game across the room.
"Hey, want to join me? I can show you some new moves," Lauren joked.
"Sure," Josh said. "Gemma is asleep, so let's keep it down. I know you get excited in those poses."
"Um, excuse me? You are the one with the track record of certain girlfriends who couldn't keep it down back there," She flashed a huge smile.
"Whatever. Let's do this," he said, grinning back.
As they progressed through the pilates routine, she helped him bend exactly right. "You need to be more free and flexible. It helps you in so many ways if you catch my drift."
"I do, and I'm plenty flexible. You just don't know yet."
"Is that a challenge? Well, bring it on." Lauren stopped herself, realizing sometimes she went a little too far with Josh. She was living with him, and they had always been platonic. But not that long ago, her jealousy flared up when he flirted with other women at the bar. This was strange since they had never had a relationship. She prided herself on being an open book about her feelings, and her therapist told her jealousy was a sign of fear. Lauren questioned whether she was afraid of losing him.
After they were done, they reclined on the floor, spent from the workout.
"I think I'm going to end it with Max. I'm just not enough for him," she said. "I feel out of place around his friends, like they don't want me in their boys club. I'm the lonely pansexual just hanging around waiting for scraps. I deserve better, right?"
"I thought you were good with the situation. Don't bail on it so easily. Maybe it can work."
"You're surprisingly open minded. I know you are as monogamous as they come."
"Yeah, well, I see more of what you're saying now. Maybe we have more than one soulmate. Being open about love isn't a bad thing for everyone."
"Ok, spill. What exactly gave you this epiphany?"
"I was thinking. You know how I thought Liza was the one-"
Lauren interrupted, "As if there is just one for all of us, but go on."
"I think if I want to have another kid, I shouldn't limit myself. She and I both said we know what we are to each other. Maybe that is one type of love, and for Liza and I, well, it's in the past."
"Yeah, I know her and she said she wants a partner. As in one person, not other people to share someone with. We had this author with a book about types of committed relationships."
"Maybe Liza wants that for herself, but that doesn't mean I have to limit myself."
"That's a very mature viewpoint. I love it," Lauren patted his arm.
"One time you said that if we are meant for each other, nothing will get in the way. Well, something is. Liza doesn't want another baby. And she doesn't want our relationship open. She won't come around to it, even with my influence."
"I know and I'm sorry. But stop moping and open yourself to the world of possibility. It's healthier for you. Maybe trying to change her says more about you than it does about her."
"It means that I respect honesty. I know she's lying to herself again. She knows what she wants but she just won't let herself have it. She's just afraid of how it would look to her older friends if we were in an open relationship."
"Sweetie, that's not what I mean. You are judging her. Liza knows more than you think. Imagine if she agreed to it and then she wanted someone else in addition to you. You would be so jealous. The same thing would happen that did before. You'd feel like starting a fistfight again. It isn't healthy. You're wasting time clinging to a relationship that long term will never be right for either of you."
"But we are supposed to be with each other. She was there supporting me through everything," Josh explained.
"I know you think that. But was she really? Your remodel, who was up cleaning and organizing with you all night? Who was promoting the crap out of your studio online? If you forgot, that was me," Lauren said with an exasperated look.
"I know. You did a lot for me. And I owe you." His face relaxed. Lauren could tell he was thankful for her help.
"Thank you very much. And all you owe me is acceptance and friendship," she said.
"And I didn't even thank you during my reopening speech. I'm a jerk." He rubbed his eyes.
"You're not a jerk. You're just obsessed with someone who isn't actually all you think she is," Lauren said.
"She did help with the baby," he recalled.
"Oh that one time you went shopping together? Who was in your girl's life from the day she was born? Who takes her shopping and buys her clothes, and loves her like she's her own?"
"Wow, Lauren, I'm sorry. I've been blind." He paused. "I just think if we both gave it a chance, Liza and I could be happy without being exclusive. Maybe I won't get jealous this time."
"Maybe. Or what if that's just not for her. Look at our friends of all ages who are happy with monogamy. Maggie, Kelsey. I'm not yet convinced you are ready for the openness polyamory gives me. It's still work."
"If Liza could just come around we could have it all," he said, running his hand through his hair and slumping on the sofa.
Lauren was losing it emotionally trying to prove her point. Her words suddenly spilled out. "Can't you see what is right here in front of you? Can't you read between the lines? I'm thirty years old. I want a baby in the next few years. I need a man with the chutzpah to be with me supporting my choice."
"You really want to have a baby? You would do it with me?" Josh appeared shocked by her admission.
"Yes, of course I would. And I don't know why you are trying to revive a dead relationship that will never make you happy. I don't understand why you sell yourself short. How long do you want to be a recurrent bad pancake to a confused middle aged woman? As much as I love Liza, it's true. You are always her second pick and that's not fair to you."
They were both silent for what felt like a full minute.
"Maybe I am always her second pick. I might be in. You know, with your baby idea. I'll think about it," Josh concluded.
"If we do this, I'm not going to be your wife. And I'm not like those ditzy doormat girls at the bar who do whatever you want. We have to promise to be honest with each other if we are feeling something negative. I'm the way I am, and you need to be fine with that." Lauren started to tell him her rules. It was the only way to keep their relationship open and honest.
"I know who you are and I accept that," Josh said.
"You do? You accept all of me, even the polyamorous part?"
"I can. Eventually it won't matter. Once I get past my confusion about the concept and understand more about you and what you need. So, what do you do about the feelings you have for your past loves? Does that just go away?"
"I can't speak for everyone. But for me, being happy for past loves and keeping them in my life is everything. Whether that's making them a friend or co-parent, or whatever they want. I'm all about sharing and spreading love. Sometimes you do have to work through some feelings."
"Wow," he said, "That's actually really amazing and peaceful."
"I'll have to have a conversation with Liza about the baby thing, because you know, girl code." Lauren had been dreading this, but knew she had to do the right thing.
"I know. That's why you're a great person. Always having your friends' back." Josh looked at her with admiration.