Chapter VII
Sleeping that night turned out to be impossible. Amy turned from side to side of the bed, and sleep seemed to be getting farther and farther away. It had all been so suddenly. And in slow motion at the same time. If that was possible. She could remember every detail of the most significant events of the past year and yet they didn't seem to make sense.
But in an absurd way, it was real. Everything. It took a year for her life to turn upside down and she simply was losing herself more and more in this maze and the war within her heart. She suffocated trying to find the strength within her to stay firm in the midst of so much turbulence.
But it was being too hard.
Certain that trying to sleep that night would be a complete waste of time, Amy decided to use her emotions to write. She had found in such a long time the effective relief her mind needed to help her deal with everything that had happened since Sheldon left. First it was the letters they exchanged and then, when they stopped, she started to imagine people, living experiences and telling their stories. And then she just wrote down everything her imagination allowed her to do.
Since her hours at the Institute were now limited and she was barely able to speak to Penny and Bernadette. Writing had become her refuge and at the same time, the guarantee of her sanity.
It was like a balm that refreshed her spirit, keeping her alive. Of all her own qualities, this was the one Amy liked most. Her spirit. She had always been full of fleeting intelligence and liveliness. Kripke could force her into marriage, and she could live an unhappy life. But he would never put out that flame inside her.
Amy wrote for a long time, stopping only when she realized that the paper stock she kept in her bedchamber had run out.
"Oh, dear," she said silently. She was in too good a part of the story to stop there. She would have to go to the library in the house to get another wad of paper. It was the middle of the night. Certainly there would be no one standing up already.
Amy sneaked out of her room, careful not to make any noise that would denounce her.
She soon found herself at the library and acted quickly for her benefit. She had gone behind the desk, where she knew her father kept an extra stock of paper, in case she needed it, in the bottom drawer. She bent down, took the amount she found necessary and stood up. When her gaze went to the door, however, a man's shadow terrified her immediately.
She gave a short, muffled cry of shock, but by the end of the act she had already identified who was the man standing at the door.
Sheldon.
For a few seconds he looked at her. Her heart was still beating fast. And seeing that he would not be the first to speak, she decided to do so.
"You scared me, Mr. Cooper." She said, holding the bundle of leaves tightly in her hands against her chest. Her breathing was still laborious, her hands trembled and her fingertips were white from applying pressure on the papers.
"I must apologize", his voice came out weak and uncertain. She could tell by his posture that he was tense.
He looked at the door beside him and then at Amy. He seemed to be experiencing an internal conflict. And then he turned to her again.
"I didn't know you were here." Sheldon said when Amy did not respond to his apology. His tension was visible.
"I ..." She couldn't seem to remember what she had been doing in the library. Her breath caught. "I came to get something; I'm already going back to my rooms". She needed to run from there.
But the moment she took two steps forward she heard the slam of the door through which she was going to leave. And the only one in the room.
Sheldon was standing in front of the exit and kept a resolute expression as he stared at her, then he turned the key on the doorknob and put it in his robe pocket.
"What do you think you're doing, Mr. Cooper?", Amy was afraid to take any steps. Her breath shallow. Emotions battled intensely within her heart.
Sheldon approached slowly. Watching her with hungry eyes. As if she were a prey capable of satiating his hunger forever, and he was on a fast that seemed to last very long.
Yes, he wanted her. How much he wanted her.
Seeing her in her sleepwear, her hair loose and voluminous and such a beautiful flush on her face...
He shook his head trying to get rid of such thoughts. He was still a gentleman. But Amy had become a beautiful woman. Had been really only five years? Dear Lord, how beautiful she was. He prayed that God would have mercy on his soul and forgive him for such impure thoughts.
He approached her. Stopping less than half a step ahead of her.
Nether capable of uttering a word.
"Give me the key, Mr. Cooper," she held out her hand in front of him, demanding the small object that would give her freedom.
"Do you expect me to believe?" He asked. The internal dilemma seemed to be resolved.
"What you mean?" she tilted her head, trying to show more bravery than she really felt. Her legs, as well as the rest of her body, were shaking.
"May I dare to say that the Miss knows pretty well what I mean." His look was challenging. And there was a strange fire that she had never noticed before. But it made her interior burn.
"Mr. Cooper, I..." Amy struggled for words, but was interrupted.
"Tell me the truth, Amy. I beg you with everything that I am, for you to tell me if I am still worthy of your feelings... If you still nurture for me the same love that spreads intensely in my heart with every beat that bring my existence ", there was a pause and a deep intake of breath "because I don't believe, not even for a second that you're marrying Kripke out of love ", he said at last, as resolute as he felt.
Amy looked deep into his eyes and the desire to let herself be burned by that flame was visceral. She was already losing the battle. She needed to escape.
"I am a mere human, Mr. Cooper. A lady who read too much novels and eventually deceived by the idea of passionate gentlemen willing to do what they could romance to win the heart of his beloved one." Her harshness, or at least the attempt, was laughable. And she knew she was sounding pathetic.
"Are you denying it?", Sheldon questioned, getting even closer to her. His eyes were intense and full of fire and hope... It was too much for her. She was getting more and more confused and wondered if it was his purpose from the beginning. But she was willing not to fall.
"Not at all. I can't deny something I don't believe in. Let's leave novels for books. This is real life, where weddings are done for convenience. Something more practical." She stated, although every cell in her body denied the lie that her lips would utter.
"What are you implying, Miss Fowler? " He was looking at her so intently that Amy felt like an object being studied.
"That even though I dislike the presence of Mr. Kripke, there are conveniences for the Institute and for my family that I grant my hand to him." She knew she couldn't say any more. She needed to run from there. Now.
If only he gave her the damn key.
"And what does that mean? Was he blackmailing you?". Sheldon was astute enough to realize what was really going on from the beginning.
But Amy felt increasingly distressed and confused. Who did he think he was to appear so suddenly after so many years and demand an answer as if the engagement they had as a teenager still had any value? Why did he just disappear when she needed him most?
Just who did he think he was?
"What does it matter to you? I gave up on the illusion that there was between the two of us a year ago, when your letters stopped coming." She scolded him angrily.
Sheldon felt accused of something he didn't even understand. "I still don't understand what happened. It is beyond my comprehension. But I swear to you Amy Farrah Fowler that I still love you, and I will do everything in my power to make you mine." He continued to look deep into her eyes and, for a second, Amy had almost lost her stability.
"Do you think I'm a possession? Well, you know I'm not. I'm a free woman." She returned it.
Sheldon just laughed sarcastically. Which perplexed Amy for a moment.
"Free? Free for what? " His tone was scornful. "Free to stop dreaming and marry a man whose very presence you confess to despise? No one in full possession of mental faculties would make such an irreverent choice against themselves". He was trying not to get worked up. That was not his nature.
However. That situation had left him completely groundless and lost. He didn't imagine finding things that way. He didn't expect to find Amy so different from who she used to be. By the way.
He was not used to Amy dealing with him that way. She had always been defensive with others, but never with him.
Had he become a stranger to her?
"My decisions are mine. I kindly ask you not to question them." She barely looked at his face, her determination to continue that conversation without breaking her heart with every word they said to each other was over the edge.
Sheldon did not accept that answer. Amy would never accept a man as despicable as Kripke to be her husband. Amy would never subject herself to being treated the way he had treated her earlier. Amy would never treat him like that.
He held her tightly by the arms, but without so much force as to hurt her. She could effortlessly extricate herself from him if she wished.
But his touch made Amy shiver. Her determination was almost completely lost when he looked so intently into her eyes.
"How can I not question when your decisions affect me, Amy? How can I not question when the woman I love is about to make a serious mistake that will make her unhappy forever? Tell me!" He sighed in distress.
"How dare you? Let me go! Let me go or I'll scream!" Her demeanor and whispering tone indicated that she was just bluffing. She knew he would let her go if that was what she really wanted. He wasn't even using force to hold her.
"Empty promises!" he said. "I will release you if you look into my eyes and say that you no longer have for me the same feeling that you swore with such reverence and fervor a year ago." He begged her.
"The Sheldon I loved no longer exists. He died a year ago." She looked into his eyes and a lonely tear ran. As a sign of mourning for who she believed she had lost. As if that person was not the same with whom she was speaking now.
Sheldon's heart contracted in pain in his chest. Why didn't he take the first train back when the letters hadn't arrived? It didn't matter what was going on. He should have come back. He should have assured her that he still loved her as fervently as before. How could he make her believe his words now?
"No, he didn't die. He's right here. Now, answer me. Say you don't love me." He sighed sweetly and at the same time afraid that she really would do it. Resting his forehead against hers, and feeling her breath exhale against his lips. Thirsty for touching them to hers.
"I... I cannot." She whispered. Equally affected by his approach. In the battle in her chest, the love she felt for him was winning.
"And for what reason?" He questioned, restraining himself before he did anything less than gentlemanly.
"Sheldon... Sir, I ..." She brought her lips closer to his. Just to feel him a little closer, she told herself. Knowing it was a lie. His closeness was making her more confused than ever. She wanted with all her strength to hate him. But her body was betraying her, as was her heart. Her mouth could tell as many lies as her mind wanted.
But her heart. her body.
And the look in her eyes.
They would never lie, and Sheldon could read them like no one else could.
"Yes?". He said. The tip of his nose made contact with her cheek. Their mouths less than millimeters from each other.
Two things happened at the same time.
The sheaf of papers that Amy was holding fell to the floor, scattering across the library.
And Amy closed the distance between their lips.
Allowing to lose herself in the feeling that her body so eagerly yearned for.
Sheldon ran his hands slowly over her body. One resting on her waist and the other on the back of her head, curling her fingers through her soft hair in a desperate and insatiable surrender, while his lips moved over hers like never before. As if they could give him the breath of life. As if they were his last hope on earth.
The surrender was mutual. And in that kiss, they deposited their souls; their frustrations and, mainly, their love and longing repressed for so many years.
They just lost track of time there. Their lips moving in synchrony. Giving everything at that moment.
When they had to stop to catch their breath, Amy realized that she had dropped all her barriers. She realized that she had been weak.
It could never have happened. Under no circumstances.
They took some distance from each other and Sheldon pulled himself together to look at her face. But what he saw in her eyes made him afraid. It was apparent that she regrated what had happened.
"Amy," he tried to say.
"Please give me the key," she took a step away and held out her hand. The tears were already threatening to fall and she couldn't afford to be weak in his presence again.
"Amy, listen. We can..." he tried in vain. He was interrupted.
"No", she was already choking on the tears that still wanted to fall. "We can't. Just give me the key".
Realizing that he had already held her too long inside the library, and that his actions were only hurting her, he gave her the key. She didn't blink to pick up the object and get out of there as quickly as she could.
Their hearts in thousands of pieces on the floor of that very place where they had given their first kiss so many years ago.
I wanted to give you all some sweetness. It's seems my mind is running free these days. And that is good because for some reason this fic is even harder to write than the other one. Sometimes I just get snippets of the chapter and it's difficult to write the other parts, so I get bloqued.
But I really hope you liked. Reviews are always welcome.
Thak you for reading!