This story is more or less a direct response to the community's feelings on Mami, and a certain fic on here. I recognise that I'm screaming into a void that's not listening, but when has that ever stopped me.

I'm not trying to justify her actions. She's young, dumb and acting on strong emotions. People give Kazuya a pass for that, but not her. Just because she's more malicious and assertive, people overlook the feelings driving her actions and treat her like she's evil for the sake of it. Her logic here and in the manga is incredibly flawed, but is NOT evil because evil.

I wrote this fic from her perspective after when she met Chizuru on that night out drinking, to show an interpretation I have of what's driving her behaviour. My interpretation is not the objectively correct one; there is no correct one, but what I wanna get across is that there is something behind her behaviour. Whether this or something else.

Now without further ado, please enjoy and review with brutal honesty. Because that helps me improve.

It goes without saying that I profit from this in no way and do not own KanoKari.

The first thing I did when I got home was kick off my shoes, ignore everyone I saw on the way up to my room, turn on the light and throw myself on my bed. I only got a little tipsy, but there's no denying I'm too pissed to do anything. Pissed at Kazuya. Pissed at this 'Chizuru' girl. Pissed at myself.

It'd be better if I was drunk. I'd have a better excuse for what I did tonight. Maybe I'd forget what happened too. Now if only I could make everyone else forget. They already saw what I did. I wonder if there are any posts about it on Twitter already?

I turn over on my bed, forcing myself to open my eyes and get a faceful of the world again. I don't hate everything about it, but it always throws the worst curveballs. It certainly seems to hate me tonight. As I sit up and reach for my handbag I discarded on the bed, my hand stops.

Why am I trying to find out what people have said about me? It's just going to piss me off more. And then I'm going to start replying to tweets and either argue or try to apologise. I can't deal with doing either right now. I sigh and kick my handbag off my bed. I've had enough of other people for one night.

So when my brother starts knocking on my door, I don't even consider getting it. Who knows what he wants to bother me about this time. He can go fuck himself. Come back when you've had a breakup, dumbass! When you understand what I'm feeling. But does anyone?

Everyone's happy for Kazuya and Chizuru right now. I'm the odd one out, the outcast, the villain, because I'm not feeling that. Not at all. Any hate I get on Twitter now is gonna be nothing to what'll happen if I tell anyone how I feel.

Oh but Kazuya gets to tell everyone how happy and 'finally over me' he is now that he's with someone else. 'Finally over me'. Ha.

Even I thought he was destroyed after we broke up. He had his friends fooled, so they told me the same. I barely saw him for weeks after it happened. But if he really was hurt, if there was anything to get over, he wouldn't be with someone else so fast.

It's not that I'm disappointed that he's over me. But I hate liars. I'm clenching my fist in anger just thinking about all the bullshit he's fed everyone! He lied to everyone about how he felt about the break up; that's why everyone says he felt so bad. And he clearly lied to me every time he said he cared. If he really did care, he wouldn't feel okay enough to just be dating someone else so soon. He wouldn't forget me in days.

All those things he said to me were lies... Those things that sounded so sweet, so heartfelt, so genuine. Putting my hand to my chest right now, for god knows what stupid, pathetic reason, I can feel it pounding just a little. I know he lied and I chose to break up with him, but seriously…

He had me. I can't believe I was so stupid. He had me. He actually made me feel loved. Like he had feelings for me. Like he was the first guy ever to feel emotions for me and not just a fucking boner. He fooled me and it's my fault. I can't believe I thought that was true for one second. I should know this by now. No guy just cares about me, they always want something from me. But I want so badly for that to not be the truth. I just deceived myself with my own fucking wishful thinking.

I can feel tears stinging at my eyes. My vision is blurring, but I'm barely focused on what I'm looking at anyway.

"Why do I care?!" I find myself whispering harshly, "I broke up with him. Not even his lies made me feel happy; I left feeling empty and unsatisfied like every relationship before, so why-" My voice catches in my throat.

I take a deep breath.

"I left him… I shouldn't care that it wasn't true, because he never made me happy anyway. But I do…"

I hug my knees up to my chest, just like the first time and the last time I realised this horrible truth. Nobody will ever just love me. Care about me. Give me the happiness I'm chasing. Listen to me. Understand what I feel. Nobody. Ever. That's for girls like Chizuru. She's well mannered and practically looks like a supermodel. I can fabricate insults against her as much as I want, but she seems like a great person to be around, and everyone knows it.

It's no wonder why I was so horrible to her tonight. I'm nothing next to her. Disposable. So Kazuya disposed of me. I can't handle that because I'm a jealous asshole. And I was horrible to Kazuya because I'm a vengeful asshole.

It makes me feel better. Just the tiniest bit in the brief moments when I do this shit. That's the worst part. I hate that being petty works, because it shouldn't. Because it's wrong. Knowing that would be enough to stop me if I were a good person, but I'm me. It's not because I was drunk. That's not enough of an excuse. I fail to suppress a hiccup as more tears start to fall down my face.

Maybe this is what I get for lying to him. I told him I was dumping him because I found someone else, so he goes and finds someone else for real. Isn't that funny?! I try so hard to keep up dumb appearances, to stop him chasing after me like all the guys who want something from me, and it works; he doesn't chase after me. Instead, he actually becomes what I can only pretend to be. Someone with options. Someone who can find a new partner just like that.

Was he always that person? Was he always so much better than me? Or did he become that because he wanted to equal what I was pretending to do? Do I even get to be mad that he just replaced me so easily; is it my fault? Is this a hell of my own making? I definitely don't get to be a bitch to everyone because of it, but there I was.

I'm laughing to myself right now. Like a crazy person. It's not so much funny as it is fucking pathetic, but I'm still laughing. I have no right to be mad at anyone but myself, but I can't help my rampant hatred for everyone right now. Kazuya's a fucking liar and he's-

I gasp at my sudden realisation. I practically jump and sit up straight again, uncoiling out of the sad little ball of self-pitying wreck I was forming into.

"What if he's fooled her too…?"

He's been no more sincere and intimate with her than he was with me. Probably even less so; their relationship seems new. He faked every word, every look, every kindness he gave me. He could fake what he's done with her in his sleep.

I'm far from some kind of hero. I'm the furthest you could get from that. Chizuru could find someone in seconds with looks like hers, and I want her to break up with Kazuya and go do that so he feels what I do. That's all I want. Selfish revenge.

But at the same time… doesn't she deserve better? If I get them to break up, wouldn't I be helping her escape his lies? Saving her the pain she'd feel if she found out later on that he doesn't love anyone?

Maybe I'd help her and not just myself. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is just an excuse. But honestly, either I get what I want, or I get what I want and she gets what she needs. Either way I might get something. Chizuru will survive whatever I do, and Kazuya… One way or another, I might just make him hurt.

If he even has a soul for me to wound. Guess there's only one way to find out.

"Are you serious, Mami…?" My conscience asks me aloud. I hate the answer, but I have nothing to replace it with.

"Yeah. I'm serious." I jump off the bed and to my feet. I stand up straight and it feels good. Not so weak. Not so defeated. Not Kinoshita's trash. I clench my fists enough to feel my nails bite into my palm.

"I will make those two break up."