It began innocently enough, me tormenting them. Zabini always said that I had done it to hide my true feelings. I guess he was right. After all, he knows me better than anyone. Not even Crabbe or Goyle. They were too thick to know me that well. Snape, after noticing the way I was watching Granger in potions- as if she held the answers to time-old questions, as if she could fix me. As if anyone could fix me!- cornered me in the hallway after dinner in the Great Hall, Shepherd's pie with pumpkin juice and a treacle tart for dessert.
I didn't particularly like any of those things, but it was better than the near-starvation I had faced in Malfoy's Manor when Voldemort was around. He didn't particularly like me much, and thought that if he could bring me to near-death, without magic, making it slower and ten times more painful, that he could persuade me to join his merry band of Death Boys. I suppose I shouldn't say that, because they aren't all boys, or even gender-conforming, I assume, but with them, I don't particularly care. Anyways, I do suppose that Hogwash's food is better than nothing, but it is complete slop compared to what I was used to before old No-Nose showed up. We used to have the most splendid feasts, and even dearest Father's current mood was never a deterrent to the splendor we were basking in. Now, what Snivilus said after this, I will repeat for my lovely readers.
He said this, in his usual, very slow, very vexing, making him sound like he had a speech impediment voice: " Mr. Malfoy... you cannot fall for her, not with this terrible burden on your shoulders, not after what you've been tasked with." At first, I had no clue what in heavens- or hells- he was talking about, but then it clicked. Oh. Granger. Me staring at her as if there was no tomorrow. I guess there might not be, if I screwed things up enough. I hid my thoughts, although he could very well have been reading them, but I had learned to Occlude, so that should keep him out for this- hopefully- brief conversation.
So I hid my thoughts- as I had previously said before... I keep repeating myself- and I pretended that I was utterly disgusted. In a way, I was. I hadn't sort out my feelings for Girl Wonder, and I didn't have time to, or give myself an opportunity to. She didn't like me in the slightest, as was obvious, and she infuriated me so much I was still not sure which side of the spectrum I was on. All I knew was that I had very strong feelings for her, and I didn't know which way they went. Maybe a little bit of both.
Snape cleared his throat, obviously still waiting for my answer, and very impatiently, might I add. If I were a different person, I may have remarked something like " Patience is a virtue. You have much to learn," or some snide remark, but I didn't have the energy for it right now, and I didn't particularly want to face Snape's wrath. I had once before, and I didn't want to face it again. I had had quite enough of Sleeping Draught, thank you very much!
With his odd throat clearing, I snapped back into reality, and said, " Which girl were you talking about, sir?" in my least petulant way possible, but I might not have completely succeeded on that front, for he eyed me a little bit more suspiciously than before. " Mr. Malfoy, do not play games with me. You are wiser than that! You know which girl I am referring to... Ms. Granger! The one you were looking at all.. googly-eyed!" Snape said 'googly-eyed' with so much disgust, and the expression on his face was so repulsed that Draco almost laughed out loud, and barely kept himself, at that!
"Professor, I believe you are mistaken. I was not looking at.. that Mudblood in any way other than complete revulsion! With her buckteeth, messy hair, family line, and overall ugliness, paired with that ridiculous know-it-all personality, I'm surprised even that blood traitor Weasley would want to date her! I understand why he's going behind her back with that girl, what's her name, Rosemary? Oregano? No.. Lavender! Lavender Brown. I understand why that Weasel would go behind her back with Lavender... she's just so insufferable! That'll be the day! Fall for her!" Malfoy ended his dramatized rant with a little scoff and head shake.
Malfoy hastily corrected Professor Snape, but little did he know that poor Hermione Granger was just then walking past them from dinner, with a happy belly, all homework done, ready for a cozy Friday night of Wizard board games, late night conversations with Lavender- whom she barely tolerated- and Parvarti Patil, -who she had bonded with over the years- and then reading, before tucking in around midnight, and hear the cutting words, realizing that Ron wasn't as faithful as he seemed.
Little did he know that Hermione would immediately turn back around the other way to go the long way to her dorm.. no, not her dorm.. she would go to the Ravenclaw dorms with Luna Lovegood, so that she wouldn't have to face Harry, or Lavender, or Ron, or anyone else that would ask questions about the pitiful state she was in. But we'll get to her later. Right then, Draco Malfoy was just focused on pleasing Severus Snape. Let's get back to them...
"Now that you are done with your tirade, Mr. Malfoy, let me continue." When Professor Snape received a curt nod of the head from Malfoy, he continued. Snape seemed to soften- just a little, only noticeable to people that had known him for a while- and said, " Good. You already have to worry about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and your induction challenge. I know, trust me, I do, how much you have on your shoulders. I care about you, Draco, and I know how hard it must be to choose. I'll do it, if you need me to." Snape gently rested his arms on my shoulders in a gentle, paternal style. In what world is Snape paternal? Or gentle? I don't know what world I'm in right now, but it certainly isn't the right one!
I couldn't believe it. I seriously couldn't believe it. He thought that he could replace my fear, my father, he could make it all go away. He needed to wake up. This wasn't a fairy tale. There would be no happy ending. I wouldn't get the girl, my father and Voldemort wouldn't get the fate they deserved, and some filthy cheating blood traitor would end up as little ' Ms. Granger's' loverboy. Christ, they were going to kill my mother, and the only thing I could do about it was commit murder and sell my soul a thousand times. So yes, I was perfectly fine. Completely!
I shoved him off, the look of disgust evident on my face. " I don't need your help, Professor. I'm fine." I sneered, trying hard to keep my composure, and the mask that I constantly had to wear up. My veneer was slowly slipping though, and I had to find a way to restore it before it cracked completely. Professor Snape looked so shocked that for a moment it seemed that he didn't have any words left to say. Finally, he regained his own composure, and said " Mr. Malfoy, I don't think that-" "Nope. I bloody well don't want to hear what you have to say. Good day, and thanks for the warning. I think that I can do this by myself though." With a curt nod and a grim expression, Malfoy once again faded into the background before Snape had a chance to say anything else. I strode away, ignoring the fact that Snape was fuming, in rage and disappointment.
The minute I turned the corridor, instead of going down to the Slytherin dungeons, fit for a snake, I went upward instead. Finally, I reached a bathroom, and I decided to shelter from the storm so obviously brewing downstairs. Once I looked around, taking stock of my surroundings, I noted that I was in the abandoned girl's restroom with the passageway to the Chamber of Secrets. Presently, Moaning Myrtle wasn't there, and I knew that I would be gone before she even knew I was there. Finally convinced that I was utterly and wholly alone, I sank down behind the main column with sinks wrapped around it, and began to weep, with nothing but my thoughts and what I had to do following me. There would be no reprieve from that.
As I sat down, I mulled it over, in all its gruesome glory. I had to kill Dumbledore. Now, I wasn't his number one fan, or anything, and I felt that the school would be better if it were run by somebody else, but that didn't mean I wanted him to die, or that I wanted me to kill him. I had to kill somebody, a human, a sentient being, IN COLD BLOOD, and I had to do it soon, to guarantee the safety of my mother. I just couldn't take it anymore. All my anger at Voldemort, all my fear, all my sadness, it all had come to a boiling point, and it all came rushing out. I cried like I never had before, until I was the river of tears.
I cried for me, for the future I wouldn't have, because I would never fall in love, I would never get married, I would never have kids, or get a job, or live my life. I cried for my mother, because even if I did this horrible deed, Voldemort could still go back on his word. I could never know if she was truly safe, if she could have had another chance at love, another chance! I cried for everyone at Hogwarts, for those lost souls that really couldn't tell right from wrong, and for those who always followed their heart, because I never could, I cried for those who would be forced to make a terrible choice, like me. I'm sure even Boy Wonder will have to make at least one horrible choice. I cried because I knew that I was too weak to go through with it. But most of all, I cried for Hermione.