I stayed away for the episodes, but when my brother's fiancee asked me to be a bridesmaid, I could not decline when she asked it in front of my parents.
And so, I went with her and the bridal party to Palm Springs, a camera in our faces as, slightly scripted, and me, quite nervous, sipped wine and clinked glasses and toasted to the future.
I could not deny that the feeling of belonging that if not by her friends than by her, was relished indeed by me, and I could not help laughing and smiling and joking perhaps a bit too much.
It was a world away, and a break from the cares of life that surely, I figured she must know was only temporary. My parents more than me were seasoned in my younger brother's changing moods, and the lifestyle he now led, and his fiancee could not surely handle it any better than his ex had.
Yet she was the one with the ring, and when we flew back to Pennsylvania, I worried that she would have no one to confide in, that her friends would say she was in no position to complain.
Against the better judgement that had reconciled me to remain friends in my heart with my brother's ex, I took that step in open familiarity with my brother's fiancee, and felt like I was twisting a knife.
It was easy to be around her, because others naturally gravitated to her, and she spoke for herself, and only with my brother did she glance at him with such smiles as to convince me that she loved him. I could only covet that when we entered a room, the guys stared; and whenever she got up to leave the room for the ladies, I found anything to distract myself from the looks the guys gave me, that by comparison I made her look even more stunning if it was possible.
I scowled because I hated myself, and always questioned what was lacking in myself not to be born looking like her.
The wedding ceremony was heavily photographed and filmed, and I stood to one side of the altar, glad the bridesmaids dresses had been picked out with care, and clapped with all the rest to see the happy couple kiss.
Cocktail hour was packed with as many skateboarders, musicians and celebrities as to quite convince me that my brother had invited everybody ever on his show, and then some. He had only picked up very many acquaintances, and the premises were fit to bulging.
I could only watch from afar my parents, or my brother and his wife made the rounds. I could see familiar faces; my relatives and grandparents, Tony Hawk who looked tired beside a woman who had also only recently become his wife.
When we were led into the reception hall to take our seats, the cameramen took their places so that the groom and bride could be announced. While waiting, I had seen the band members from The Sounds setting up, and fidgeted with the napkin on my lap, for the dessert on offer looked scrumptious.
I glanced over the tables full of people, I spied my former crush; his hair was slicked back and he wore a silly bow tie thing. My resentment of him made my stomach tighten to see that he sat with a girl, and when he caught my eye, he did the polite thing and made introductions.
I fixed my face in as best a grimace I could, and launched into a topic to dispel any awkwardness. Only by her glancing to the double doors could I glance at him; he was also glancing over at the doors which had opened, but it was his hand I noticed, for the light had caught the slim golden band on his finger, and then the bride and groom entered.