Long, thin, delicate, yet nimble fingers slid flawlessly across the ivory, and despite never once wishing to be a piano, I had that strong desire now. To see those beautiful hands work magic on the keys; oh what they could do to me. I must have been staring, because abruptly the music stopped as the hands froze. "Pads?" he asked. Just one word, but my favorite word, at least to hear from him.
"Hmmm?" I replied, turning my face away from the keys and looking into Moony's enthralling eyes.
"You were doing it again, Sirius." He stood from the bench and softly padded to the large window that overlooked the quiet London street, his hands now gripping the window sill. I watched as the sinewy muscles beneath the thread-bare t-shirt twitched with every breath he took. I started to move towards him, but before my foot made contact with the plush carpet, Remus held a hand up, "Don't".
That one word had me freezing immediately. It was frustrating, never being able to move silently enough he wouldn't hear; he knew my every move, and kept me just outside of his space. Although he said he didn't want me near him, I knew better. It was a coping mechanism, and I was going to break through it, once and for all... well as long as I could make it through the conversation we so desperately needed to have.
"Remus, let's talk?" I sank to the floor, pulling my knees in against my body, my comfort position if you will. "And actually talk, not continue to say small clips that are heavily laced with what we aren't saying."
I was staring at the floor, my fingers picking at a loose thread, but my eyes were roaming up, hoping to see a reaction without being obvious I was looking. It was a tense few minutes with neither of us saying anything. Then, movement. A small shift of his legs as he relaxed. I released a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. We'd get through this… whatever this was.
The longest minute of my life passed in silence, but then I heard a light creak as Remus started to walk across the room. I looked up once I felt him in front of me. "Sit?" I asked, extending a hand. He nodded, placing his hand in mine as he slowly made his way to the floor next to me. I noticed the slight twinge as he made his descent and filed that away - movements were becoming harder and harder as we aged, never mind that we were only in our thirties.
Even though he was now sitting and no longer in need of my hand for support, I didn't release the secure hold I had. His fingers twitched as if he was going to try to pull away, but I squeezed gently, signaling I wasn't letting go. "Sirius," he started, but I squeezed again. "No, I'm going first." He titled his head in question. I've been known to be reckless and impulsive, but commanding I was not.
"We've been playing this game since we were just boys; you can't deny it, even at eleven there was something there. As a teenager I fought a losing battle with myself. Don't get me wrong, I liked the ladies too, but my mind was always drawn to you, wondering what you were doing, what I was missing while spending time with McKinnon and her friends.
"Then, at James and Lily's wedding, we were so caught up in the fight against Voldemort that neither of us had time to date, so we just went to their wedding stag, and when the wedding party danced, we danced together, and it felt so right." My voice was breaking, even sixteen years later talking about our best friends was hard to do.
"Then, came the awful years. First you were gone, and don't misunderstand me, I know you were doing important work, but it still killed me to not see you. And then, well, these last twelve years were the worst of my life. But two thoughts kept me sane. I knew I was innocent, and I knew that somewhere, you were out there, and eventually I would see you again." At this point tears were threatening to let loose, but I had to continue.
"Once I got out and made my way to Hogwarts I watched as you traversed the grounds. Time hasn't been kind to either of us Remus, but I was, and still am, mesmerized by you. The morning after a full moon I desperately wanted to talk to you, hold you. I know even with that wretched potion it's a miserable few days." I dared to look at Moony, which wasn't the best decision, as his weathered face was streaked with silent tears. I swiped a finger across his cheek, and held my palm against him as I continued.
"I know this is just the beginning; we don't know what's going to happen with Peter missing and the presumed rise of Voldemort once more, but I know I want to be by your side through it all. I'm not going to lose you again." I paused, trying to gauge his response, but other than the occasional tear that fell, he was tightly closed off.
I reached for his other hand, and held them together between us. I stared at our entwined fingers while I breathed deeply for just a few seconds as I ramped up the courage to say what I should have said over twenty years ago. "Remus. I love you. I've loved you about as long as I've known you, and I'm not going to stop loving you."
I heard his breath hitch, and while I assumed it was positive, I was worried that somehow I had misread our entire life together and had just made the biggest mistake possible.