After leaving the army, Teddy and Owen are separated, but can't forget their feelings for each other. Towen, one-shot.

blue, when i'm not with you

He was laying into his bed, eyes wide open but staring only at the ceiling. The bright morning sun had started to shine through the windows, but he didn't have anything to do, much less something he wanted to do. He had contacted Dr. Webber about the job he wanted to give him, but he was still waiting for an answer, and anyway, he wasn't going to start before at least a week.

He had broken up with Beth, because he couldn't keep pretending that they were fine, or that they still wanted to be together. He vaguely wondered if she was hurt right now. Probably. Or maybe she wasn't even caring. It was somehow sad, but he couldn't even bring himself to care about Beth. For a long time, they let problems pile up, arguing over and over on the phone until it was the only thing they did. They had slowly drifted apart from each other, and now they were at two different places in their lives. He just decided that he didn't want to keep fighting for something that was long gone, and that she deserved better than what he could give her. So he just sent her an email. That was kind of lame and cowardly, but after losing his whole platoon, he just didn't care. He just wanted not to have to deal with her on top of everything else.

All of this just left him empty and alone.

He knew he could call old friends he had in the city, but he didn't feel like it. He thought that they probably wouldn't get him anymore, like most of the people he used to know. He had this feeling that no one could get him anymore. The war, the trauma made him different, and it wasn't something easy to understand for the people he was friends with before. They somehow expected him to be the same as he was, like all the things he saw when he was there weren't going to change him. He felt like the war had fenced him in and cut all his ties with other people, and he didn't like it.

He closed his eyes, trying to suppress all his thoughts, but the second he had them closed, the memories of his last night in the army started replaying in his mind. The expression on Dan's face before he died, the sensation of his blood on Owen's hands… everything would probably haunt him forever. He could recall every single sentence Dan had said to him, from the Hail Mary they said together to the ring Dan wanted him to give to Lisa… and asked him not to use to propose to Teddy.

He knew that Dan was only half-joking. The first part about the ring was obviously a joke, meant to lighten the mood even though it wasn't possible, but the second part wasn't really a joke. Dan knew the extent of Owen's feelings for Teddy, and he was right about the fact that their friendship was something special, Owen knew it. She was able to bring out the best in him, she made him happy like no one else could, but mostly, she always got him, always knew what he was feeling, always knew what to say, and was always here for him. He was missing that right now. He was simply missing her. They had been around each other so much, it was natural for him to have her by his side, always there, appearing from nowhere with that bright smile on face. Now that she wasn't here with him, he felt like a part of him was missing. He missed her more than he thought he would, because he was thinking about her all the time. He was missing her all the time. He needed her more than he thought he did.

He knew that he was messed up, that he had a lot of trauma and a lot of stuff to deal with, probably some PTSD after what he had witnessed, but Teddy… He just knew that she would get it, and that she would help him overcome everything. He was sure that she was the one for him, since the day he met her.

He reached out for his phone, and stared at it blankly for a few minutes. He wasn't sure it was the right decision. He knew that she had her own stack of trauma that she needed to deal with, and that maybe he shouldn't bother her. He didn't want to bother her, but he also couldn't bear the loneliness and the sadness anymore. He just wanted to feel less alone. He needed someone. So he sent a single text message.

She was folded up under a blanket, laying on the bed of a random hotel room in New York. Eyes open, but staring into space. A playlist of sad but beautiful songs on shuffle. Definitely not ones that were meant to cheer her up. She was feeling so sad tonight, so blue, she thought she was going to drown onto that feeling and never come back. She had no energy, no willpower, and she didn't know what could pull her out of this state of mind. She couldn't even find a reason for it. Sure, she left the army, but she wasn't really sad about that. She didn't have a real, tangible reason to be sad, but yet she was.

Maybe it was the city. Being back in New York after all these years. She purposely chose a hotel on the opposite side of New York, so there wouldn't be too many memories coming back, but it didn't really work. Just knowing that she was in New York was enough for her to miss Allison, and missing Allison was making her feel even more alone.

She was feeling like she had never been so alone before. Which was completely stupid, because all she had to do was to stretch her arm to grab her cell, and send a text to any of her old friends, or the ones she made in the army. They probably would be happy to catch up, but she didn't want to do that. She knew none of her friends could feel the void inside her heart. She wasn't craving for friendship, she wanted something more.

She wanted someone to be here with her. She wanted someone to reassure her, to care about her, to hug her for hours, to tell her it was okay not to be okay, to reach the part of her heart that was hurt, hidden deep inside her. In one word, she wanted someone to love her. Something she hadn't had since Allison died – another reason to miss her.

She thought she could have it with Owen. She thought about it for a while. She hoped he was going to break up with Beth and then tell her she was the one he loved, and then they'd be together forever. This fairytale scenario had faded when she left the army, though. Owen and her went separate ways, and she didn't know if she would hear about him ever again.

She wanted to think so. It made sense. He was her best friend and she couldn't imagine living without him. She had every reason to believe they would keep in touch, but she was so scared he wouldn't. Anxiety was making its way inside her heart, and suddenly she was paralyzed by the thought he wouldn't ever call her and she would be all alone, and she couldn't shake that thought, no matter how hard she tried.

Her thoughts were interrupted by her cell, announcing a new message. She grabbed it, and the second she saw the person that had messaged her, she smiled widely. It was him.

Hey. How are you doing?

The message was really simple, but it was something. He hadn't forgotten her. He was still thinking about her, and just that mere fact was enough to fill some of the hole in her heart. He was there. She wasn't alone.

Not really good. You?

He was the only one she could be that honest with. He was the only one person she would ever tell she wasn't good, and just saying it, typing it, was somehow freeing. She stared at her phone, waiting for him to answer, and within a minute, she had received another text.

Same here… Want to call or something?

Calling him. She didn't really know how she felt about that. Sure, it would be better than nothing, but… it still felt like it wouldn't be enough. She wanted to see him, face to face. She wanted to be able to slide into his arms and feel safe and loved. She wanted it so badly, she knew what she had to do. She didn't hesitate while typing her answer, and once she was done, she grabbed the backpack she hadn't opened since she arrived. She left the hotel and called a cab on a whim. In the end, she left New York, the city of her heartbreak, without even looking back.

When he received her answer, on the other side of the country, he frowned.

I don't think calling you will be enough.

He expected a lot of answers, hoped for a positive one, but he certainly didn't expect that one. He didn't know what he could answer. He didn't know what kind of answer she could be waiting for. Also, he couldn't shake the feeling that she had just rejected him. That he wasn't enough for her. To help her. That he was… insufficient. He hated that feeling, and he knew that it wasn't based on anything tangible, but yet, he just couldn't shake it.

So he tossed his phone aside, and he didn't do anything else than lay in his bed, staring into space, for the whole morning. His thoughts spiraling, putting him even lower than before. All the things he was unsure about. The things he doubted. Taking him down, and then even lower. He kept thinking until he was interrupted by a text message.

Where are you? At home?

He frowned, once again not understanding her. At least, this time, he knew what to answer.

No, I'm staying at a hotel. Why?

The answer was almost instantaneous.

Because calling you wasn't enough.

When he opened the door, she was standing on the other side. Her golden hair was gleaming under the pale afternoon light, but her green eyes were undoubtedly sad. When they met his ocean blue eyes, she gave him a sad, bitter half smile, a direct mirror of his.

They both made a step towards each other, and she naturally slid into his arms and let her head rest on his shoulder. He pulled her into a tighter hug, breathing the scent of her hair. He was already feeling better, just because she was here. It was like her sole presence was enough to start healing him.

They stayed like that for a while, until he noticed that they were still in the entrance with the door open. He tried to let go of her to shut it, but when he gently slid out of her embrace, she lifted her head. Her green eyes met his, begging for something unknown to him and hypnotizing him. Her lips only centimeters away from his. Those few centimeters felt like an infinity. So close, yet so far. So easy to cross, but at the same time requiring a strength he didn't have to be crossed. He could've leaned in and kissed her so easily, running a hand through her gorgeous hair. Or he could've just lifted his hand to run his thumb along those perfect lips, but he was too scared to do it. He was scared of ruining what they had – the most precious friendship he ever had. He was scared of losing her, so badly that he was swallowing the words he wanted so much to tell her. He endured all the pain it was bringing him without complaining.

He didn't want to let go of her entirely, or to let her feel like she was being rejected in some way, so he took her hand as he closed the door. Once he had shut it, he made his way toward the couch, and she followed him closely. They sat side by side, and she put her head back on his shoulder, still holding his hand. They didn't say a word. They didn't need to.

Somehow, she ended up laying on his chest, completely folded into his arms, eyes closed. It was something usual. Every time they would hug or just sit side by side, she would unconsciously snuggle closer, and to be honest, he found that absolutely adorable. He loved that about her.

They spend hours in that position, not saying a word, simply enjoying each other's presence and the fact that it erased every trouble. The feeling of safety, warmth, acceptance. The sun, slowly going down on the other side of the window through the afternoon.

After an eternity, he finally felt good enough to start functioning again.

"- Thank you so much for coming, Teddy," he whispered in her hair.

"- It's nothing. I'm glad I did it."

"- It's nothing? You flew across the country to come and see me."

"- Yeah. I was feeling so lonely, but… I didn't want to see anyone else but you. So I did the only thing I could."

"- I thought that I wasn't a good enough friend for you, and you flew across the country. I don't deserve such a friend."

"- Not a good enough friend for me? Where the hell is that coming from? It's completely wrong. You're the best friend I could ever have hoped for. Besides, I'm sure you would have flown across the world for me."

"- You're right. I completely would." They both laughed.

"- Do you want to do something?" he asked.

"- Oh, I know exactly what we can do," she announced.

"- Really? What?"

"- Well, remember after a rough day in Iraq? When we used to stare at the sky and talk about how much we missed hamburgers?"

"- That's what you're thinking about?"

"- Yep," she said, a dreamy expression on her face. "Not the talking, but the actual eating. Two, maybe. Hmmm, with french fries, and onion rings. Oh, and maybe a vanilla milkshake."

"- It will never cease to amaze me," he said, shaking his head.

"- What?" she asked.

"- How much you can eat in only one meal."

She poked him with her elbow, pretending to be offended, but soon she started laughing uncontrollably. There was something about her laughing that was just breathtaking, though. Some kind of glow, like she was radiating her own golden light, and the sparkle on her eyes. She was a fucking daydream. He could've watched her laughing for years without ever being bored of that incredible sight. It would've been so easy to just lean on and capture her lips, but he still couldn't. And I found that incredibly charming. That's what he wanted to add, but he couldn't bring himself to.

"- Come on," he said instead, getting up and giving her his hand. "I'm buying."

She took his hand and flashed him a huge smile, shining enough to blind him for a half second. She was shining more than the sun itself. He wished he never had to let go of that hand he was holding.

They drove to the fast food, and she put Duran Duran in the car. Way too loud for him, but he didn't say anything, because she seemed so happy. Singing along every song. Once they were there, she ordered everything she had mentioned earlier, but still ended up stealing his fries, so he stole hers, and before they knew it, they were throwing fries at each other and laughing like kids.

She couldn't remember the last time she laughed like that, felt that way, free and happy. When she looked back at the past months, even the past year, she felt like every moment of happiness had its downside, making all those happy memories painful to remember. Making it feel like she never had a true moment of happiness that hadn't been tainted by the pain. Wanting to forget those sad thoughts, she brought up a new topic.

"- I've been meaning to ask," she said, taking a fry on her basket and twisting it. "Why are you in a hotel room and not at home? Did something happen with Beth?"

He waited for a few seconds. He knew that she was going to bring up the subject, but he wished it would've been later rather than sooner. He sighed deeply before finally answering.

"- I broke up with her."

"- What? When? How?" she asked, completely taken aback. She couldn't believe he had done something like that.

"- It was… right after I came back, I think. I don't know… It just… didn't make sense anymore to be with her. So I sent her an email."

"- An email," she repeated, even more dumbfounded. "You broke up with her… by email."

"- Yeah. I know it wasn't the right thing to do, but… I think I didn't have the strength to go and face her."

She shook her head, her chest tingling with the hope she could feel blooming inside her. She couldn't help but think that now that he didn't have Beth, maybe she had a chance. Maybe he would tell her that he always had feelings for her, that he couldn't imagine living without her, and all the things she always dreamed someone would say to her, but it was really unlikely. He never looked at her that way. Never gave her anything that could make her keep hoping, but she loved him so much that she couldn't stop. That's why she would rather try to destroy all the buds of hope in her mind, before reality would do it for her, way more painfully.

"- I'm so glad you came," he told her a few hours later, while they were back in the hotel room, sitting side by side on the couch again. "I had the best day today and… I really needed my best friend."

She tried to ignore the sharp pain his words produced. Best friend. It was the only thing she would ever be, after all. She was stupid for hoping anything else. She made up this whole story when she was on the plane, where she would show up at his door and he would be delighted to see her, and he would tell her that he broke up with Beth because he loved her, and then he would kiss her… It was all a sweet fantasy, though, and it would never be more. He would never tell her he loved her, because he probably didn't even love her. He never acted like he did. He never did something that could as much as make her doubt, and she was too scared to lose him to do anything. She was so scared things wouldn't be the same between them if she said something, and even if it worked, she was afraid it would blow up and she would lose him. She had lost too much. She couldn't afford to lose the only person she had left.

"- What are you thinking about?" he questioned her, and she looked at him, surprised. "You just kind of spaced out when I said that."

"- Oh, no, it's nothing," she answered, and he gave her a look. She knew he wasn't fooled by her lame answer. How could he? He knew her better than that. "It's just that… I made up this whole story in my head, but… it's just a story," she said, shaking her head.

"- Okay, I usually always get what you want to say, but not this time. What story…?" he asked her, puzzled. She let out a deep sigh before answering.

"- It's nothing, really. It's just… stupid and pitiful. A stupid, pitiful, hopeless story."

"- I still don't get it."

She stared outside, through the window, looking away from him. She waited a few seconds before answering, in a voice so low he barely understood.

"- You know, you broke up with Beth, you call me… It could've been a good story."

Her words lingered into the silence, as he realized what she wanted to say. They hadn't bothered to put the lights back on when they came back, and the only source of light was the bluish glow of the moonlight, and this peculiar, almost unreal light made it all feel like a dream. He was dreaming. It couldn't be real, could it? He stared at her side profile. Under the moonlight, she looked almost too beautiful to be anything else than a dream.

Her words were still spinning in his mind. It was all too incredible to be true. He was scared to believe her. He was scared in every possible way, but when she turned at him, her eyes were begging him again. Although this time, he understood what she was begging for, and it was enough to give him hope.

Hope was a poison way too powerful. Giving him fake scenarios and possibilities, the opportunity of more. He didn't want to hope. He was so used to living in a worst case scenario. So used to see everything collapsing to the ground. He didn't want to hope, but those green eyes in front of him…

He just couldn't take it anymore. Before he knew it, he was leaning in, like her lips were a magnet attracting him irresistibly. He realized that she was leaning in too, and he started to panic. In a few seconds, he would be kissing Teddy, and that was freaking him out, because he didn't know what could happen after that, what would happen between them, the millions of ways it could ruin everything, all the things that could go wrong, or maybe she would vanish because he had dreamed the whole day…

The feeling of his lips on hers instantly turned all his thoughts to ashes. He wasn't able to think about anything except how good it felt. Her lips were warm and sweet against his. He let her go after a few seconds, and looked at her. Uncertain. Almost scared, unable to completely forget his insecurities. He was afraid to open her eyes and lose her, but when he did, she smiled at him, beautiful like an angel. It was real. She was there with him, and she wanted to kiss him, and the feeling coming with that thought was incredible.

He smiled back at her, and she was in heaven. They leaned in at the same time, he put his hand on her shoulder, and it was perfect. He was everything she needed right now, the answer to every need she had, in a word like a hundred, just perfect for her. Their kisses were slow and soft at first. Discovering, exploring each other. It was like a daydream, a fantasy they had again and again that had turned into a reality. It was the opposite of the feeling they had earlier that day, they were flying together rather than drowning alone.

Soon, it turned into something much more heated. She was intoxicating to him, and he wanted more, way more. He discovered that he wasn't the only one when she gripped his t-shirt, pulling him closer. He wrapped his arms around her waist and easily lifted her off the couch, her legs wrapped around his waist, and he made his way to the bed without ever stopping kissing her.

When they woke up, the next morning, they were happy.

Hey! Long time no see, huh? But I'm here with something brand new! It's actually a birthday gift for one of the persons I love the most, so I had a blast writing it. (The second part of this author's note is dedicated to her, btw). As always, lots of love to whoever takes the time to read this pathetic creation of my brain, and I hope you enjoyed your reading despite all the flaws.

Marta, I just wanted to tell you how fucking grateful I am that I met you. You're always so kind to everyone, and you always make me laugh or cheer me up whenever I'm sad. You always make me feel better. And I can't find the words to express how much I appreciate that. Literally. I've been struggling on that afterword for half an hour. So I just wanted to give you the most perfect one shot, even though the result is far, far, far from it. I feel like it's hyper cringe or whatever. I have to say, it's far from what I wanted at first. I wanted to write something with Teddy, Megan, Amelia and Addison, but... I never found a plot. I have one shot ideas all the time, but when I actually need one, nope. My brain decides that it's not gonna happen. So I just decided to pick something I already had in my drafts, and this one was the obvious choice. Because it's about being alone, and feeling low, and friends, and daydreams... Also, it's one of the few (two, I guess) one-shots I've written using my true feelings as a base. So, it's I don't know. More personal. And also, I'm sorry it's awfully late. I promise I wanted to post it sooner. And while we're at it, I also wanted to do a A little bit yours x Towen fancam, but I guess that I'm too much of a procrastinator to do it. I really wanted to, though. And I will, at some point, so just keep waiting. Anyway. I think I've talked a liiittle too much. So I'm just going to finish by saying that I hope you had the greatest day. Receive all my love along with this one shot.