Disclaimer: If i were CLAMP, i probably would have continued Tokyo Babylon farther, maybe even up to X.
Subaru had woken up when he knew for sure his sister was dead. It was funny, in the sort of way that wasn't funny at all. He had thought he was broken after what happened with Seishiro-san in the hospital. Hokuto's death hadn't fixed him, but it had put him back together just enough so he could continue to function.
His first impulse had been to try and find the place he had seen in his dream, where Seishiro-san had killed her. He couldn't find it. He had seen that cherry tree in the real world, but he could find no evidence at any tree in Tokyo of a crime having been committed there.
His next thought was to go to the clinic. Like the Seishiro he had fallen in love with, it simply wasn't there anymore. The building was, sure. But it had been completely cleared out. There was no more sign saying "Sakurazuka", no kennels with cute animals waiting for care. Instead, the sign now read "For rent." When Subaru looked into the windows, he saw that all the furniture and equipment had been removed. The rooms were empty. The walls were bare.
Subaru was alone.
There was no one left he was close to. He had spent all his free time with Seishiro-san and Hokuto-chan, and he had lost them both. His sister was gone for good, but even though Seishiro was still alive – for now, at least – it wasn't really him. Subaru had to accept that his Seishiro-san, the kind and gentle man he loved, had never existed.
He had been taken in, like a fool, and now he had to move on.
But how could he, when the two people he loved most had left him behind? Subaru didn't know how to continue living without them.
What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to live, completely on his own? He'd never realized before how much he relied on the two of them, but now that they were gone, he felt their absence keenly. They'd fed him, clothed him, taken him from place to place, and Subaru had never done a thing for either of them. He couldn't, now.
The contract on Hokuto's apartment was up. She hadn't been around to pay the rent since her disappearance, over a month ago. Subaru only found out later that their grandmother had settled the matter with their landlord, leaving him out of the loop. Perhaps she'd thought it would be easier for him.
How could it be, when every trace of his twin sister just vanished from his life, as if she'd never existed at all? If he could have just seen the traces of her life, her clothes and things and photos, even to pack them up because she would no longer use them . . . no matter how it would have hurt, he wished he could have done it. He'd seen enough loss in his time as an onmyouji to know how these things affected the human heart.
His grandmother should have, too, come to think of it.
But it was done now, and Hokuto's apartment hat already been rented out to a young salaryman, and all Subaru had left of either his sister or the man he loved were remnants in his own apartment. Scribbled notes Hokuto had left lying on tables and dressers, photos of the three of them together or Subaru with one or the other. The clothes Hokuto had picked out for him, sometimes with Seishiro's input. Some of Hokuto's own clothes, left behind.
There wasn't much left of either of them, and it was just things. Hokuto's laughter and warm hugs were gone forever.
Seishiro's kind smile and cheerful flirting were illusions to begin with. None of that was real.
But his sister was. She was the realest thing Subaru knew, and now she was gone.
She was gone, and Subaru couldn't bear it. He couldn't be alone. He needed to see her, to talk to her again. Even if she'd already made her choice. Even if she hated him for not being able to let go.
He was an onmyouji, after all.
And so, Subaru knelt in the main room of his apartment. He didn't wear his ceremonial gear – it was missing along with Hokuto's body – but he had done everything else to give his spell the best chance of succeeding. Closing his eyes, he folded his fingers and began to chant.
A soft breeze stirred the air in the room. All of Subaru's windows were closed.
The air was warm, and smelled of flowers. Hokuto would've been able to tell him what they were called.
It was her scent, after all.
Subaru didn't pause in his chanting, didn't open his eyes. There were stories about those who tried to raise the dead, but looked too soon and lost everything. They were just stories – Subaru had summoned plenty of ghosts before with his eyes open – but this time felt different. It was personal. He was calling for someone he loved.
He was calling his sister.
The sound of his chanting rose. He shouldn't be using his powers like this. It was selfish. It wasn't right. But for once in his life, Subaru didn't care. He needed his sister. That was all.
The quiet, after his incantation was done, was almost too much to bear. But Subaru had borne a lot of quiet since he'd lost everything, and it only took one shaky breath to open his eyes.
Hokuto was there, kneeling in front of him, looking the most sorrowful he'd ever seen her, and if it weren't for the fact that Subaru could see his furniture through her body, he would have thrown himself into her arms.
"Oh, Subaru," she said.
Subaru'd known that seeing her would hurt. He'd seen plenty of ghosts and their loved ones in his work, and he knew how hard it was on them emotionally.
Or he thought he knew, but he wasn't prepared for the tide to rise in his chest and press behind his eyes, choking him until he could do nothing but cry. He reached out to her, even though he knew he wouldn't be able to touch her, and she put her hand up to his. It was almost close enough for him to pretend she'd never left at all. "Ho-Hokuto-chan," he managed to say.
She leaned forward, her free hand on the floor as if to support her weight. "Subaru, why did you bring me back?"
A sob rose in Subaru's throat. He had to fight it down. "I . . ." he said, and he didn't know how to finish the sentence. Not really. He'd wanted to see her again, but what would it accomplish? He was still alone, even now. "I need you," he whispered, and felt his shoulders start to shake. "I can't do this by myself."
Hokuto scooched closer. He wanted her to hug him, and he knew she would've, if she still had a body. "Yes, you can. You're stronger than you know."
"I wanted to be wrong," Subaru admitted. "I hoped i'd perform this ritual, but it wouldn't work. Because you'd still be alive somewhere, and i just had to find you."
She shook her head, smiling sadly. "I'm gone, Subaru. I know it hurts, but i had to bring you back."
"I didn't . . ." Subaru protested, but his sister saw right through him. She always did.
Hokuto did put her arms around him then, as well as a ghost could, and Subaru felt her presence like a cool breath of air. "You did," she murmured. "Your body was still here, but you were gone, and i didn't know what else i could do. I couldn't let you stay alone in the dark like that."
"I'm alone now," Subaru whispered. That was it. He couldn't take it back. Saying it out loud, to the spirit of his deceased twin, solidified the feeling he'd been trying to fight off into reality.
"I know," Hokuto said softly, resting her head against his. It was cold, so cold. "I'm sorry. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish we could have all stayed together. Happy."
"It would've been a lie," Subaru muttered. He was freezing over inside, in a way that had nothing to do with his sister and everything to do with Seishiro Sakurazuka. "He was lying to us all along, Hokuto-chan. To me."
"Yeah." Hokuto's voice was soft. "He was lying to everyone. I think even to himself."
Subaru's eyes burned. This wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to hear her speculating about the man who'd betrayed them. It sounded almost like she was defending him. Seishiro had killed her. Couldn't she say one thing to condemn him?
More than anything, he just wanted his sister back. "Isn't that just a lie too?" he demanded.
"Maybe." She shifted the illusion of her weight to one side, to drape herself over his shoulder with her arms around him. "I don't think so, though. I think he has hidden depths even he doesn't know about."
"How?" Subaru couldn't stop himself. His whole body was stiff with the hurt, the loss, everything that had been building up ever since the last time he'd seen Seishiro. "How can you believe that, Hokuto-chan? He killed you!"
"Because i have faith in love!" Hokuto exclaimed in reply. "Because i was killed by him, because i've been watching over you both all this time, because i want you to be happy!"
Subaru gasped. It hurt, because it was something he hadn't known he wanted to hear, and he didn't want to want it. He needed to hate Seishiro. If he didn't . . . He didn't know. He would drown. This was all he had. His hatred, and the cool presence of his sister's ghost beside him.
"I want you to be happy, Subaru," Hokuto repeated. "I've always been so worried about you, because you don't take care of yourself. Not physically, or emotionally." She laid the shadow of a hand on Subaru's chest, just over his heart. "I know it wasn't fair of me to take things into my own hands, but i couldn't just leave you like that, either. I can't bear to leave you all alone, so . . . i did something. Something so you can maybe have a future, so you'll be okay."
"What?" Subaru heard himself ask. This was all wrong. None of this should have happened. It shouldn't be like this. Subaru shouldn't be sitting here on the floor, in the arms of his dead sister, listening to her to tell him she still believed in love.
"I'm not telling!" Hokuto smiled, but it was a shadow of her usual grin. "I had to tell Sei-chan, or it wouldn't work. But for you, Subaru, just trust me, okay? And don't give up. Don't ever give up."
Don't give up? That was Hokuto, through and through, but it sounded so wearying. "Why?" he asked simply. "What did you do, Hokuto-chan?"
She smiled weakly. "I made a bet." They both winced at her choice of words. "Okay, yeah, i shouldn't have put it like that. But i'm hoping i can still give you a good future. If it doesn't work, you'll be safe anyway. I promise." She looked intently into his eyes. "Just remember, your big sister is behind you all the way. Even now."
"That's not fair," Subaru protested.
Hokuto tapped what passed for her head against his. "I know. I'm really unfair, but i'm your big sister, it's my job. I'm gonna do whatever i think is best, and you just have to deal with it."
Subaru groaned and slumped forward. He wanted to lean against her, but if he tried, he'd go right through her.
"And now, i'm going to ask you for something even more selfish," Hokuto told him. She paused, and if she still had lungs she would have drawn a deep breath. "Please don't summon me like this again, Subaru." He tried to say something, but she wouldn't let him. "I died because i couldn't bear to see you trapped the way you were, stuck in one moment, never moving. I need you to live, Subaru, and you can't do that if you're always pining over your dead sister. I didn't bring you back for that."
"But what will i do?" Subaru whispered. He couldn't bring himself to add the words without you. It was already too much. This conversation was ripping away whatever emotional reserves he had left.
"Live, Subaru," Hokuto replied firmly. "I want you to live. No matter what. I can't even begin to imagine how you might be feeling right now, but that's my hope for you. Let me go, and go live your life."
"I don't have a life anymore," Subaru said bitterly.
Hokuto glared at him. "Your heart's beating, isn't it? You're breathing, aren't you? I'm a ghost, Subaru, don't you dare tell me your life is over."
Subaru winced. He'd only realized how it sounded after he heard it. "I'm sorry."
"You're still alive, so there's lots of things you can do." Hokuto gazed wistfully at him. "You'll have to decide for yourself what that will be. I can't dictate your life for you. But i can ask you, and i am asking you, to keep going. Find something important to you, and let that be your reason for living from now on. But don't let yourself get stuck in the past. Keep moving forward, okay? For me."
There were plenty of things Hokuto had asked him for before; favors, the loan of some money, a night out having fun when he would have been happy staying home with a book. But nothing like this. She was serious, and this was important. It felt like the first time she'd ever asked him for anything.
"Okay," Subaru whispered, and the weight of the word nearly crushed him. "But i'm going to miss you. Every day for the rest of my life."
"I'm going to miss you too," Hokuto agreed. "So, so, so much." Her hushed voice trembled.
"It's not fair," he said again, because he couldn't think what else he could say.
"Yeah. This is the worst, Subaru. I had so much life left to live. There's so much i haven't done. There's people–" She cut herself off, there. "But it's what happened, and there's no changing that. We just have to look ahead. You have your life, and i'll get to see what the afterlife is like." She tried a smile that felt almost as lively as she had been before.
"Yeah." Subaru didn't have it in him to pretend. "I suppose i should let you go now."
"That would be great," Hokuto agreed. Her cool hand ghosted over Subaru's cheek, as if she were trying to wipe away his tears. "Take care of yourself."
"You – i guess i can't say that, huh?"
Subaru avoided looking at her face, instead busying himself with the chant to release her spirit from his spell. If she said anything more after that, he didn't hear it. He only looked up when he was absolutely sure his apartment was empty. The last thing she saw in this world shouldn't be his crying face.
He was alone again. He'd been alone the whole time. Summoning Hokuto's spirit, talking to her, it was just an indulgence. It wasn't as if he hadn't known what had happened to her, or how she'd feel about being called back to the realm of the living. He missed her, he missed her more than anything, but she couldn't give him closure.
Only Seishiro Sakurazuka could do that. Seishiro Sakurazuka, the Sakurazukamori, who'd taken away both the people Subaru loved most.
First, he had to find him.
Hokuto wanted him to have something he couldn't give up on, no matter what.
So he would find Seishiro-san. And then . . . Subaru would decide for himself how he was going to live.
A/N: Got the idea for this one from my dad, funnily enough, probably around seven years ago. I didn't know he was reading my Tokyo Babylon volumes until one day he asked for the next one, and i had to go, "Uh, that was the last one, what did you think?" (I don't think he ever did read X.) He wanted Subaru to raise Hokuto's spirit, so this one's for him.