Two week spring break due to 'you know what' means I get to de-stress by writing fanfiction. (as one could guess I'm still not over this story line.) But since we're getting three more seasons of One Chicago, I can still be stupidly hopeful that I'll get a proper Jay centric arc when he actually deals with all of his PTS. And maybe a proper Halstead Brother's crossover, too? Hope y'all enjoy this update. :)

Chapter 4 - Mistakes

This was her fault. And there was no other way to look at it.

After the doctors gave her the rundown regarding Jay's current status, Hailey followed Will to her partner's ICU room. She managed to send something that resembled a coherent message to the team, then turned her attention back to Jay, that one word still floated around her mind.

Coma.

Even as she was led toward Jay, she couldn't convince herself what Will and Dr. Marcel told her was actually true. Hailey couldn't believe it. Maybe she didn't want to believe it.

Jay had to be okay because he was always okay. He walked away from getting shot last year and he's told her about a few other times when he's been hurt on the job. And as a war vet? Through all of that shit Jay Halstead has endured, he was still okay.

He couldn't not be okay.

The walk from the waiting room, up to the ICU wasn't long by any means. It went by fairly fast, but to Hailey, time once again moved at a slow pace. She knew when she put one foot in front of the other, knew when she stopped to ride the elevator to the ICU floor. During this time, she shoved her hands into the pockets of her hoodie in a feeble effort to keep herself from wringing them over and over.

To her surprise and annoyance, Will stopped Hailey a few rooms away from Jay's room. He took a slow, steady breath, tried to do what he could to prepare her for what awaited. Hailey once again listened as the doctor mentioned how Jay's body had endured a lot, which is a likely reason as to why he slipped into a coma. What he also told Hailey, now that Dr. Marcel was not looking over his shoulder, was that while Jay was in a coma, there was a very small chance that he could hear her. Even with his brain injury.

Hailey didn't know what to do with that information.

Now she stood just outside Jay's room. Will left what had to be just a few minutes ago, giving her time to spend with Jay alone. She appreciated that, and assumed it was because the doctor already sat with his brother. But now that she stood mere feet from the man she was sure she'd never see again, Hailey couldn't bring herself to set foot into his room.

Guilt filled her chest as she thought back to how they got to this point and she didn't even try to stop it.

She told Jay to let the Marcus West thing go, to forget about Angela and Bobby. To move on. Nothing good could come from lying to your partner and Hailey knew this. So when she cornered Jay, told him to take a step back, she believed him when he said okay.

That was her first mistake.

Then Hailey let Jay go when he got a message from Angela, didn't even try to stop him. She told Voight that her partner just had something he needed to work through, rather than come clean to their boss. Hailey knew it wasn't her info to tell, but she couldn't help but think how they wouldn't even be in this mess if she'd just talked to Hank. Maybe he could have stopped Halstead before things went too far.

That was her second mistake.

When Intelligence finally found Jay, when she worked her way into the building, when she crouched down by Jay, looked past the blood that caked the side of his head and the bruises that circled his wrists and asked if he was okay, that was when Hailey thought they were in the clear. They would get Jay to Med, get him checked out, and all would go back to 'normal', whatever the hell that is.

Then Jay insisted on helping Angela, who was still trapped in the basement. But when Hailey heard the gunshot crack through the air, after she ran down the stone steps and saw her partner bleeding out at her feet, struggling to breathe, dying…

That was her third mistake.

Now Hailey stood frozen in fear and failure. Looking at the man who just wanted to do the right thing, no matter how hard or harmful it was to him. She needed him to pull through, because she didn't think she could live with herself if Jay died because of her mistakes.

Not wanting to miss her chance at… whatever this was, Hailey placed one foot in front of the other, slowly stepped into Jay's ICU room, and took a seat by his side. She didn't want to think about this being the end, but knowing the battle Jay faced, she knew how strong that possibility actually was.

There wouldn't be a fourth mistake.

#

The first hour or two, Hailey could only sit in the lone chair that occupied the ICU room. She bounced from starting at all of the machines Jay was hooked up to, to the lights that were dim, to the cracked curtain that looked like a door. Or was it the other way around?

Everything blurred together for the detective and she tried to keep it in a straight line. She tried to focus on everything but the still person in the bed opposite of her position made that rather difficult.

She was aware of the doctors and nurses and cleaning staff who occasionally stepped in, but for the most part, Hailey was left alone with Jay. She was glad and thankful for this. Unsure if she could stand to make small talk, she remained with her thoughts late into the night. For the most part, they kept her awake, but when her body finally won the battle against her mind, Upton's head lulled to the side against her shoulder and she drifted into a dreamless sleep.

The scream of bells and alarms and machines reached her ears and jolted Hailey awake. When her eyes opened, she saw Jay was surrounded by four or forty people wearing scrubs, and through the crack between two people in front of her, she could see her partner's body jerking violently.

Before Hailey could make a sound, two hands gripped her by her shoulders and all but carried her out of Jay's room. She tried to push herself free, but there was no escaping the hold the person had on her.

"Let them work, Hailey." they said, but Upton couldn't focus enough to make out who it was.

She watched as the team of doctors and nurses continued to work on Jay. One was doing CPR, while another was prepping a machine Hailey couldn't see. Others milled about the room, yelling medical jargon the detective couldn't even begin to translate. The room slowed until one by one, the people left.

"I gotta take him back into surgery," said Marcel. "That's… I'm sorry."

Right as those words left the doctor's mouth, Jay was wheeled past Hailey and steered toward the elevator. The tube was still down his throat, but instead of a machine pumping oxygen into his lungs, a nurse squeezed and released a bag. His bruises appeared to be darder, and the gauze that covered his chest and head was speckled with blood.

Her hand came up to her mouth right as Hailey blinked the welling tears away. For one moment, Jay was standing next to her, smiling, completely fine. When Hailey blinked again, he was gone.

This was the moment she noticed the grip on her arms had lessened, so Hailey brushed the person off and headed in the direction of the restroom. Or the breakroom. Any place she could find.

"Hailey?"

Upton turns around, sees a disheveled Will standing a few feet away, eyes just as red and puffy as her own probably were. Instead of waiting for the doctor to say something, she lowered her head and walked away.

And that's the moment Hailey lost it.

#

Hailey didn't bother keeping track of time. To keep from going crazy while Jay was in surgery, she pulled at a loose string on her pants and traced her fingers on the tile she sat on. An empty cup rested to her left side, but she didn't remember if she got a drink herself or if Will brought it for her. She wasn't even sure if she drank any or if she spilled it. Her eyes eventually find a pile of paper towels that sat on the floor in front of a trash can, wordlessly explaining what she couldn't remember.

"Hailey?"

Upton wiped her eyes and looked up at Will, who stood just outside the doctor's breakroom. "Is he-"

"He made it through surgery. His breathing improved, they took him off the vent." said Will.

"Okay." said Hailey. She wiped her eyes and her nose, but made no move to get up from the floor.

For a long minute, neither person said a word. The weight of the changing situation was a lot to digest, even with the strength of friends. Eventually, Will broke the silence. "They want to keep him under intense observation for a few hours in post. You should go home."

"No, I'm good. I'm going to stay with him, you know he'll freak out once he realizes where he's at." said Hailey as she finally pulled herself to her feet.

"Hailey," began Will. "He's not allowed visitors right now. Go home. I'll update you as soon as I hear anything."

Upton didn't have the strength to fight Will. Disappointed and frustrated, she heads for the elevators and takes them down to the ground floor. But she didn't go home. She couldn't. Not yet.

Instead, she pulled her hand up into her sleeves, drew the hood up and sat on a bench near the front doors and waited.