Chapter fifteen

What's eating you

Well, that could've gone better.

Elsa walked across the campus quad, her mind still dwelling on that disastrous conversation in the ice cream shop. The bright, sunny skies did nothing to ease her raging anxiety.

It's quite an accomplishment, isn't it? To go into a conversation with the intent to figure out if your sister has the hots for you, and end up achieving the exact opposite?

Now, that wasn't necessarily true, she reminded herself. Anna hadn't broached the issue at any point in the weekend. They had hung out, yes, but if Anna suspected any non-platonic motives in her sister, she hadn't mentioned it. But she was smart – way smarter than Elsa, that was for sure. It was only a matter of time before she put two and two together.

Elsa tried her best to shove these anxious thoughts out of her mind. She was way too stressed. All of this uncertainty – on top of a looming exam she was ill prepared for – were taking their toll. She needed to unwind, and she knew exactly the person to help her do it.

"Excuse me! Elsa?"

A voice Elsa's train of thought, and she turned around. A man was jogging towards her, hand waving. "Yes?" she said, puzzled. "Can I help you?"

She sized him up as he drew near. He was tall, almost gangly, with a drop off short, well-groomed coppery hair, and…high cheekbones.

Oh no. Don't tell me…

He stuck his hand out. "Rolf Suthernile," he said. "Pleasure to meet you."

Elsa didn't accept the handshake. "Is it?" she said cautiously, preparing for his next move.

Rolf didn't seem to take offense. He withdrew his hand and scratched the back of his head self-consciously. "I don't blame you for being suspicious," he said. "I just want to apologize for my brother's behavior."

She remained on guard. "You do, do you?" she asked.

"Yes," he said. "What he did was way out of line – truly disgusting actions to you, and especially your girlfriend."

Elsa tried to avoid wincing at the repeated use of the g word. "Is this an apology on his behalf?" she asked. "A message he wanted to pass on?"

Rolf snorted. "Not at all," he said. "That little twerp doesn't have a gracious bone in his body."

Elsa blinked, surprised at the coarseness in his voice.

"But I can promise you this," he continued. "He'll never bother either of you two again. You'll never even see him."

"And…how do you know that?" Elsa asked.

Rolf shot her a wicked grin. "Well, me and the rest of my brothers, we found out what he did over the weekend. So we all got together and, well…" He chuckled. "We beat him like a Cherokee drum."

Elsa's eyes widened. "You did?" she said incredulously.

"Damn right, we did!" Rolf said proudly, seemingly unaware of the horror in Elsa's voice. "Taught him a lesson he won't forget in a long while!"

Elsa found herself at a loss for words. "Well, uh, thank you, Rolf," she said. "That's very…noble…of you."

Rolf waved a hand dismissively. "Ah, it's nothing," he said. "Our pop's getting too old to discipline him properly, so it was our responsibility to do it."

"I suppose so," Elsa said, trying to make sense of his idea of morality.

"That little shitbag has a hearing problem, you see," he continued. "He doesn't hear anything you say with your mouth. If you want to tell him something, you have to do it with your fist, or your foot. So now, if he ever comes near either you or Anna ever again, he knows he'll have two ass-whoopings coming – one from you, and one from us. So I don't think he'll be trying that anytime soon."

"That's…good, at least," Elsa managed.

Is this how other siblings treat each other? Siblings that aren't ga-ga over one another?

"Well, Rolf, I need to get to class," she said, backing away. "Thank you for telling me this. Really, uh, gives me some peace of mind."

"Hey, no problem," Rolf said, thankfully not following her. "Good luck between you and Anna! I hope you two are happy together!"

Elsa turned around, cringing. "Thanks," she said back to him.

Then, to herself, she muttered, "I hope that too, Rolf. I really, really do."

Rolf walked away, seemingly satisfied that he had assuaged all of Elsa's concerns.

The new information he had brought to light swirled around in Elsa's mind. She tried to push it away, hoping for a distraction. Luckily, one appeared.

"Elsa!" a voice called. The right voice, this time.

Elsa looked up and saw her, the white and purple of her outfit standing out against the green of the field. She grinned broadly and ran to her. "Esme!" she said excitedly.

They embraced, Esmeralda hugging her with the bone-breaking grip Elsa had missed for so long.

"Oh, it's so good to see you again!" Elsa said.

"You too, Elsie, you too," the brunette said. She released her from the bear hug and looked her up and down. "You're looking great. So strong!" She ran her arms up and down Elsa's. "Just look at these pythons!"

Elsa giggled, trying to ignore the similarity to the gesture Anna had done just the previous week. "Yeah," she said, taking the tone of an immodest bodybuilder. "I bench 320. What about it?"

Esmeralda laughed melodiously. "Well, I don't weigh quite that much, but…" She put her hands on Elsa's shoulders and jumped.

Elsa wrapped her arms around Esme's waist, fully supporting her. Esmeralda wrapped her legs around her, and they kissed passionately.

Huh. What are the odds. Strawberry chapstick.

"Heh, you're getting better at that," Esmeralda remarked.

Elsa regained her composure. "What part?" she asked. "The kiss, or holding you?"

"Both," Esmeralda said, lowering her legs and standing again. "I remember you used to have to break off after a few seconds, or you'd collapse."

She was out of her arms now, but still kept a hand on Elsa's back, caressing her lightly. She was the best kind of touchy.

Elsa smiled. "Well, either I've gotten stronger, or you've gotten lighter."

Esmeralda batted her eyes winsomely. "Couldn't it be both?" she said.

"Guess so, guess so," Elsa said. "So, your place or mine?"

She pouted. "Aw, and here I thought you were finally accepting my invitation to do it outdoors."

Elsa laughed, remembering how panicked she had been when Esmeralda had first suggested it. "Maybe next time."

"All right," Esmeralda said. "In that case, my place." She leaned in close to Elsa's ear and whispered. "Thicker walls."

xxxxxxx

Elsa writhed on the bed, letting out a string of moans and exhaled curses. Esmeralda didn't say anything; her mouth was full.

Elsa clutched the pillow and arched her back, reveling in the pleasure coursing from her center throughout her body – a pleasure only Esmeralda's tongue truly knew how to coax out.

Esme looked up at her, her expression making it clear that she was just as pleased to give Elsa this pleasure as Elsa was to receive it. Her eyes were full of passion. Bright, sea-green eyes, just like-

No, don't think about her, not now!

Elsa tried hard to keep herself in the here and now. She ran a hand through Esme's hair, which was most definitely brunette and not strawberry blonde. Esmeralda responded in mind, by reaching up and caressing Elsa's body with a dark-skinned, freckle-free hand. But as her pleasure rapidly mounted, Elsa saw what she wanted to see – or rather, what she didn't want to see.

"A-Ahhh!" she shouted, the climax rocking her body. She clutched the pillow tight, them slowly relaxed her grip.

Esmeralda let go of her thighs and crawled her way up Elsa's body until they were face to face. "So how was that, Elsie?" she asked in a low whisper.

"Great," Elsa breathed. "Great as ever, Esme."

"Yeah?" Esmeralda said playfully. "And just how great is that, exactly?"

In lieu of a response, Elsa grabbed her shoulders and flipped the two of them over, so that Esme was lying on the bed and Elsa was above her. She then moved downwards, towards Esme's previous position.

"This great," she said, taking a deep breath.

xxxxxxx

Esmeralda's bed was, on the whole, pretty big. But even now, they weren't using much of it.

Elsa sighed contentedly, wrapped as she was in all four of Esmeralda's limbs. "You give the best hugs, Esme."

The brunette chuckled. "Well, maybe it's just because you fit so damn perfectly into my arms."

"Yeah, that's probably it," Elsa responded.

Just like Anna fits perfectly in my…dammit.

Esmeralda seemed to sense the change in the blonde's demeanor. "So," she said, "you ready to tell me what's been bothering you?"

Elsa sighed. "Am I really that easy to read?" she said, not even attempting to contest it.

"Like a book," Esmeralda said. "Even from that text you sent me, I had my suspicions. Something's on your mind. And by something, I mean someone. And by someone, I mean not me."

Elsa threw up her arms. "You got me," she said, turning to face her. "There's a girl."

"A girl you want but can't have?" Esme suggested.

Elsa nodded.

"Whose name begins with an "A", I'm guessing."

Elsa hung her head guiltily. "I thought I might be able to pass that off as just a regular scream," she said.

"Yeah, well, try it with someone who hasn't made you scream hundreds of times already." She propped her head up on her fist. "So, want to tell me who it is? Or should I just call her Mystery Girl?"

Elsa thought for a minute. There was probably nobody else who she could trust more than Esme, but at the same time, she really didn't want to lose her support. If Esme was disgusted by it…okay, that probably wouldn't happen, but there still was a risk.

"You don't have to tell me," Esmerelda said quickly. "It's private, I get it. You've got barriers."

Elsa grinned ruefully. "Do I? And here I thought you'd torn them all down already."

Esme shook her head. "You never tear down all the barriers," she said. "There's always new ones behind the old ones."

Elsa nodded understandingly. She gathered her resolve. "I'll tell you," she decided. "You've told me all your dirty secrets – and you've got some pretty fuckin' dirty ones."

She grabbed her phone off the bedside table. She opened her photos and scrolled to a familiar face. "Anna," she said, showing Esme the phone. "My sister."

Esme's eyebrows arched. "Really?" she said disbelievingly. "I didn't think you were into redheads. Or…" She examined the picture closer. "…strawberry blondes," she amended.

Elsa stared at her. "That's the only thing that surprises you?" she said incredulously.

"Not the only thing," Esmerelda countered. "Just the biggest thing."

Relief began to wash over Elsa, but she still felt confused.

"Come on, Elsa," Esme continued. "You used to gush about her all the time. 'My sister, she's so good at running, she can do a mile in five minutes, she's like a supergenius who's way smarter and cuter than me.'" Esme smirked. "To be honest, I was wondering when you'd notice you were head over heels for her."

Elsa put a hand to her head. "Argh. If it's that easy to tell, she's figured it out by now for sure," she moaned.

Esme shrugged. "Maybe," she said. "Has she given any hints?"

Elsa blushed, her face still in her hand. "Oh, you mean other than kissing me on top of the Ferris wheel? Not much."

Esme blinked. "Okay, now you've surprised me."

xxxxxxx

"…and then I just ran into the bathroom and hid, like a little bitch," Elsa said, drawing to the end of her story. "If that didn't give the game away, I don't know what will."

Esmerelda rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "So what happened after that?"

"Not much," Elsa said. "We spent the rest of the weekend together. Watched a few movies, played some Smash – the videogame, I mean! – and stuff like that. Never brought it up again."

"I see," Esme said. "Well, if she's figured it out, and she's not acting disgusted by it, that's probably a good sign."

"Maybe," Elsa admitted. "But I want to really be sure about it. The shrink told me to make sure-"

"Shrink?" Esmerelda interrupted. "Oh no – you didn't ask the school psychiatrist for advice, did you?"

"Yeah," Elsa said uncertainly, "I did. Is that bad?"

"Only if you listened to him," Esme said. "I've had a few friends go to Dr. Pablum. His advice was basically to lock their emotions in a box and throw it to the bottom of the Marianas Trench."

Elsa thought about it. "Yeah, I guess that was kind of the gist of it."

"Let me guess," the brunette continued. "He wanted to get you on SSRIs, didn't he?"

"Yes, actually," Elsa said. "Gave me a prescription and everything – for emergencies only."

"You didn't fill it, did you?" Esme asked.

"No," Elsa lied.

Esme sighed in relief. "Good," she said. "Those things can fuck you up."

"Really?" Elsa said. "How?"

"Well, it's different for every person, but sometimes they can permanently reduce or even get rid of your sex drive."

Elsa's eyes widened. "Why wouldn't he tell me that?"

Esme scoffed. "Why would he need to, when it's helpfully printed in tiny little letters on the bottle?"

Elsa thought about the small, unopened bottle in the bottom drawer in her room. It certainly did have a lot of very fine print on it…

"A shrink will always try to turn you into a vegetable, if you let them," Esmerelda continued. "Never let that happen."

Elsa thought this was a little bit unfair, but she could hear the emotion in her old flame's voice. She must've had some bad experiences.

"Emotions are what make us human," she concluded. "If you never feel happy – or sad – then you've never really lived."

"So what do you think I should do?" Elsa asked.

Esme stroked her chin again. "Honestly? I think you're in too deep by now to pretend nothing's going on. Tell Anna how you feel, see how she feels. If she loves you as much as you say, this wouldn't be enough to change that."

"And then what?" Elsa asked. "I just date my sister for real?"

Esme shrugged. "It probably happens more often than you think," she said. "You gotta figure that stuff gets under-reported."

Elsa fidgeted. "It's not that simple," she said. "Let's say she is into it, she does want to date me too. One, if she isn't really in love with me, just confused about all this, that could fuck her up for life. And two, even if she really is in love with me, it could still end up going bad, like…like…"

Esme put two and two together. "Like Belle?"

Elsa nodded mournfully.

"You two still aren't speaking, then?" Esme surmised.

"Nope," Elsa said. "She still hates my fucking guts." She hung her head.

Esmerelda caressed her shoulders gingerly. "Oh, Elsa, you can't keep beating yourself up over that. It wasn't your fault-"

"That doesn't matter!" Elsa said. "It could still happen again! I…I think I could live with Anna rejecting me. If we were still friends, that'd be fine. But if…if that happens to her…if we end up being…" She couldn't even finish the thought.

Esme pulled her into a hug. "Poor baby," she said, stroking her hair. "This must be hard on you, I know. I'm not sure there is a right answer for this. All you can do is trust in your sister. She's an adult, too. She loves you, she wants you to be happy."

"I do trust her," Elsa mumbled into Esme's chest. "It's myself I don't trust."