Chapter sixteen

So close

thud

Anna stopped in the hallway. It was a faint sound, so quiet as to be almost unnoticeable, but she definitely heard it. She stood still, so as to quiet the rustle of her pajamas.

thud

There it was again, coming from Elsa's room.

She went to Elsa's door then knocked softly. "Elsa?" she said. "Can I come in?"

A few seconds passed before the response came back, leaden and dull. "Sure, come on in."

She sounded unenthused – even more than one should, at this hour – but Anna had gotten permission, so she entered.

Most of Elsa's room was dark. The curtains had been shut, so there was no moonlight visible. The sole source of illumination was Elsa's desk lamp, whose harsh yellow light cast shadows across the vast mounds of detritus throughout the room.

Elsa was seated at her desk, her head down on it. At first, Anna thought she might have dozed off, but the thuds she had heard earlier suggested a more percussive explanation.

"Are…are you okay, Elsa?" she asked cautiously.

Elsa raised her head and turned to look at her. Her eyes were bleary and bloodshot. She smiled weakly.

"I'm fine," she said. "Studying for an exam I'm gonna fucking fail, that's all."

Anna walked to her, arms outstretched. "Don't say that," she said, hugging Elsa from behind. Elsa seemed to not have the energy required to reciprocate. "You're just tired, that's all. I'm sure you've got…"

She trailed off as she glanced at Elsa's notebook. "Oh my," she said.

Elsa nodded. "Yep."

Anna stared at the pages, trying to make heads or tails of what she saw.

"At least penmanship isn't graded, huh?" Elsa said with a small, rueful smile.

Anna attempted to phrase her next question as politely as possible. "Can…can you read this?"

"Kinda," Elsa replied.

Anna looked at her.

"I just try to write down everything the professor says," Elsa said defensively. "If I take the time to write neatly, I miss shit."

"I get it," Anna said in a placatory voice. Elsa looked guilty about raising her voice. "It certainly looks like you did that," Anna said, glancing at the numerous different sheets of lined paper strewn across the desk, each filled with the same inscrutable writing.

Scanning the pages longer, Anna deciphered a few familiar key words. "Oh, this is differential equations!" she said.

Elsa raised her eyebrows, a seemingly Herculean task at her current mental state. "You know that class?"

"Yeah, we did a bit of it in one of my AP classes," Anna said. "They were talking about dropping it from the curriculum, since so many students have trouble with it."

"They oughta keep it," Elsa said bitterly. "Might as well let them know how much bullshit it is before they take a major that fucking requires it."

She thumped her head against the desk again. "I need an 80 on this exam to pass, and it's just not gonna fucking happen."

Anna put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry," Anna said. "You're smart, you can do this. You're the most determined person I know. When you set your mind on something, you always manage to get it done – always."

Elsa looked at her. "Anna, I already failed this class once."

Anna stopped mid-sentence, surprised. Elsa continued.

"I was really trying this time, ok? I went to all the classes, I took notes on everything, I even joined a study group. It just barely helped. All this shit is still just in one ear, out the other. I failed it already, and I'm gonna fail it again." She put her head in her hands. "It's not the only class I've had to retake, either."

If she had been cautious before, Anna was doubly so now as she picked the words for her next question. "How…how many have you-"

"Five," Elsa said, her voice cracking. "Five classes – this'll be the sixth. That means I'm gonna be in college for an extra semester – an extra year, if this keeps up." She chuckled bitterly. "At least I can do that much math."

This was the Elsa that Anna had hoped she would never see again – raw, emotional, and shaken to the core. Her heart ached with empathy.

"Mom and Dad just told me to relax," Elsa continued, her voice getting higher. "They said, 'It's not how long you're there that matters, it's what you learn while you're there.' Well, I've learned stuff, all right. Before I went to college, I thought I was pretty smart – not a genius, but still smart enough. But now I know, for a fact, that I'm a complete fucking-"

"No, you're not," Anna said firmly.

Elsa was stopped in her tracks.

"Whatever you were about to call yourself, it isn't true," Anna said. "Because you are smart. I know you are. You just learn differently than how colleges like to teach."

Elsa tried to interrupt. Anna didn't let her.

"My AP math teacher used to teach in college. He said that he's seen dozens of smart students fail because they never got a chance to learn in the way they're most receptive to."

"Which is?" Elsa asked.

Anna grabbed a chair, pulled it up to the desk, and sat down. "One on one."

She looked over the deal, analyzing the loose sheets of paper. "Do you have a study guide?"

Elsa held up her hands. "No, Anna, I can't burden you with this stuff. You've got your own tests to study for. I've made my own bed on this one."

Anna put a hand on her shoulder. "You think seeing you like this isn't a burden for me?" she said quietly.

Elsa looked down guiltily. Anna squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. "Please, Elsa, let me help you with this. You helped me with Hans, now let me help you with what I'm good at."

At last, Elsa's feeble resistance crumbled. Her tense body slacked, and she scooted her chair over to make room for Anna. She looked at her sister, face flush with gratitude. "Thank you, Anna," she said, her voice still raw, but no longer filled with despair.

Anna kissed her on the cheek. "You're welcome," she said. "You're very, very welcome."

A mischievous voice inside her head told her to follow through with a second kiss, more passionately this time, but she ignored it. This was not the time for playing around. Elsa needed her.

xxxxxxx

Elsa lowered her pencil to the desk, followed by her arm. She checked her watch. 12:30 – 45 minutes after Anna had entered her room. She'd pulled all-nighters longer than this, but not when she had a 6:30 bus to catch the next morning. It was high time she called it a night.

She surveyed the items on her desk. Ten scrawling, heavily marked pages of notes were now in the trash, replaced by three pages of tidy, immaculately written notes. Her study guide was there, with small, neat check marks next to half of the items. A half-empty Monster can rested on a coaster in the corner. She hadn't touched it in the last half hour on Anna's request, and its effects – namely, the pounding in her left temple – had begun to subside.

"Let's stop for now," she said. "We can look at the rest Satur…"

As she looked to her right, she trailed off. Smiling, she added another item to the list of things on her desk – Anna, whose head was now resting on the desk and who was snoring softly. A small trickle of drool came from the corner of her mouth. It was, in all objectivity, the cutest thing Elsa had ever seen.

Elsa chuckled softly. "Way ahead of me, huh? As usual."

She had already thanked her half a dozen times that night, and it still felt inadequate. Despite not understanding all of it herself, Anna had managed to reorganize the information in such a way that it had finally clicked for her. She'd written down a bunch of notes in class without fully understanding what they meant, but now, with them laid out so neatly, Elsa was finally piecing them together.

Elsa stroked her sister's neck lovingly. "You're a fucking genius, Anna," she said softly. "A goddamn Einstein." She tenderly took Anna's shoulders and pulled them back, until she was leaning back in the chair. "But here's one thing I can do better than you."

She put one hand behind Anna's neck, and her other arm under her knees. Then, with a single heave, she lifted. Now carrying Anna, she stood up and headed for the door, walking towards Anna's room.

Anna, of course, woke up from this. After looking around confusedly for a moment, she looked at her sister and smiled. "Bedtime already?" she mumbled.

Elsa nodded. "That big brain of yours needs its rest, and I need my beauty sleep."

Anna wrapped her arms around Elsa's neck. "No y'don't."

Elsa giggled. "You're right, I don't," she said. "But my head's all full of numbers now. If I don't sleep soon, it'll explode."

Anna caressed her sister's face with one hand, lazily, as if unconsciously. "Wouldn't want that," she said.

Her touch sent shivers down Elsa's spine, exciting her tremendously. Thanks to Esmeralda's ministrations the previous day, however, the effects were muted, manageable. Elsa felt a pang of guilt, using her old girlfriend in such a utilitarian manner, but it helped keep her desires much more bearable.

Elsa turned her body sideways as she entered Anna's room, being careful not to brush her head or feet on the doorway. The covers were already thrown aside, so she had only to deposit her on the bed.

Anna looked up at her sister with adoration, her drowsiness robbing her of the capacity for subtlety. "Thanks for the lift," she said.

Elsa shook her head. "I should be thanking you, Anna. You've been a bigger help than any study group could ever be. Thanks to you, I…I might be able to pass after all."

Anna took Elsa's hand in her own. "Any time, Elsa," she said. "I'm here for you. Always."

Elsa felt tears at the corner of her eyes. She turned away and headed for the door.

Anna didn't let go of her hand. Elsa turned back, looking at her confusedly.

"Stay with me," Anna pleaded.

Elsa blinked. "I…can't. I need to go to bed."

"Uh, yeah," Anna said, as if the point was obvious. She glanced down, at the open space on the bed beside her.

"Oh," Elsa said, hoping her blush was undetectable in the darkness. "I'd love to, but I…can't."

Anna frowned. "Why not?"

Elsa fumbled, searching within the recesses of her sleep-deprived mind for some kind of valid reason. "Because, uh, my, my…" She gestured to the phone in her pocket. "My alarm," she finished lamely. "It'll wake you up, too. Tomorrow morning."

Anna smirked at her. "I don't mind."

Despite having carried her moments before, Elsa was now powerless to escape her sister's grasp. And the bed was looking incredibly appealing at the moment. It was big, it was warm, it was here, and most importantly, it had Anna in it.

Elsa gestured downward, at her jeans. "At least let me change into my-"

"Nope," Anna said, her smirk now a wicked grin.

Elsa sagged. "Fine," she said, defeated. With her free hand, she unbuttoned her jeans and squirmed out of them. She was sure Anna could see her blush now, but at this point it seemed like a reasonable response.

She crawled into the bed, and Anna relinquished the hold on her hand, throwing the blankets over the two of them before draping an arm over her neck. "Night, sis," she murmured, closing her eyes. "Sweet dreams."

Elsa put an arm around Anna's waist. "Night," she said in return.

As if I could fall asleep like this.

Elsa felt nothing short of euphoric. The feeling of being so near to Anna, feeling Anna's warm breath on her face, holding her and being held by her – it was like a dream come true. Yet as her excitement increased, so did her shame in herself.

Goddamnit, this was supposed to be what hooking up with Esme would help me avoid! I'm not even wet, but I feel more attracted to her than ever! Why?

Because there's a difference between love and sex, you fucking idiot.

Elsa pressed her free hand to her forehead. It seemed so obvious, spelled out like that. She'd been trying to resolve her feelings for Anna through purely physical means. But she didn't just want to sleep with Anna, end of story. She wanted to be with Anna, forever. She wanted to do exactly what she was doing right now, every night, with Anna knowing exactly how and how much she loved her. She wanted to spend her life in Anna's arms – sex came in a distant second. Acting like love for Anna could be cured by lust for Esme was an insult to both of them.

She looked at Anna, who was now asleep again. She was so beautiful, so wonderful, so innocent. In spite of her guilt, when she looked at Anna, Elsa couldn't help but feel at peace. Anna's feet, drifting seemingly on their own accord, traced up and down Elsa's bare legs, sending shivers up her spine. Even completely naked, cuddling with Esme couldn't compare to this. And once that thought had entered her head, it quickly led to another, one Elsa had been trying to stifle for a while now.

I'm never going to be happy with anyone else. Not this happy, at least – not by a long shot.

Finally admitting this to herself brought at least some small modicum of peace to her mind, and Mr. Sandman came rushing in to seize his foothold. Elsa found herself drifting off to sleep, her unanswered questions smothered in Anna's warm embrace. All save for one.

Okay, so you know what'll make you happy. But what about Anna? Does she feel the same way? Does she even know how she feels, or have you sent her enough mixed signals to completely fry her own perception?

Elsa's last conscious thought was an answer. It wasn't a good answer, or even a satisfactory one, but it was indeed an answer.

Well, I'm going to see a romance movie with her this Friday. Maybe I'll figure it out then.