Chapter eighteen

Time to talk

Forget what she had said before. It was the longest bus ride ever.

Anna looked straight ahead, hands on her lap, not saying a single word. From a few furtive glances to the side, she knew Elsa was doing exactly the same thing. She desperately wanted to break the silence, but she didn't dare to do so until she knew where things stood between the two of them.

And why is it only now that this is such a big deal? This isn't even the first time you've French-kissed your sister. Or did the first time not count because it was Elsa Schneider?

She blushed. It felt stupid now, but that had genuinely been her line of reasoning immediately afterwards. The only way she could possibly square away her feelings for her sister was to pretend that it was all meaningless, merely her sister performing the courtesy of demonstrating how a proper date worked, in as hands-on a way as was possible.

An idea struck her, a horrible invasive thought.

Was this all just a ruse by her, to get closer to me?

She dismissed the idea instantly. Of course that wasn't it. Elsa had helped her, in her hour of need, and then things just…escalated from there.

But then there was that Christmas party…

She balled up her fists.

I'll wait for her to explain herself. No point in speculating before then.

But speculate she did. Unable to set her mind on anything else, Anna spent the whole bus ride thinking of possible explanations, each worse than the last. She was so absorbed in thought that she didn't even notice when the bus pulled into her neighborhood.

She jumped when Elsa placed a hand on her shoulder. "This is our stop, Anna," she said softly.

"Huh?" Anna looked out the window. "Oh, hahaha, of course," she said, tittering nervously. "Thanks."

Elsa cracked a little smile. "Well, I wouldn't just leave you here, now would I?"

Anna breathed deeply. Elsa was clearly just as off-kilter as she was, but she was still managing to stay strong. She could only be doing that for her sake. Anna felt guilty for even feeling a hint of doubt towards her sister.

I trust Elsa. No matter what may be going on in her head or mine, I trust her.

She stood up. "No," she said. "You wouldn't."

xxxxxxx

Elsa entered the house first, holding the door open for Anna, who quietly thanked her. They both made their way into the kitchen, Anna pouring herself a glass of water while Elsa grabbed a beer. The two sat down at the dinner table, each silently hoping for the other to say the first word while they sipped their drinks.

Finally, Elsa lowered her bottle to the table. "I like you," she blurted out.

Gee, that clears things up. Wanna try that one again?

"I mean," she continued, reddening, "I…really like you, Anna." She lowered her head. "In a way that sisters…shouldn't like each other."

Anna nodded. "I feel the same way about you, Elsa," she said. "I really like you, Elsa. More than anyone else I've dated. More than anyone I could even think of dating."

She had gathered as much already, but hearing Anna say the words out loud comforted Elsa greatly. Thus emboldened, she spoke up again.

"I don't know how long I've felt this way, exactly," she said. "But I only started suspecting I felt it after our second date, at the movie theater."

Anna chuckled. "So you made it to the end of the movie, then? I think you held out about an hour longer than me."

Another relief. If Anna had fallen for her right after the first date, that would've been far more questionable.

"And was that the first time that you ever feel attracted to me, looking back?" she asked.

Anna scratched her head. "Gee, I guess so," she said. "I've never really felt too attracted to anyone before that. Not Kristoff or Hans, that's for sure."

That's a warning light. Definitely want clarification on that one.

"And you're sure that's not just because we're sisters, right?" Elsa followed up.

Anna blinked. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I love you," Elsa started. Anna blushed. "As a sister, I mean. But my love for you as a sister and my attraction to you as a person, those two things are separate. Totally distinct from each other. Can you say the same thing?"

Anna thought for a moment, them nodded sharply. "Yes," she said. "I can."

That's three votes for certainty, and one vote for confusion. Could be a whole lot worse.

Elsa took a deep breath. "Okay," she said. "That's the past taken care of. Now, let's talk about the future." She steepled her fingers and looked directly at Anna. "How far do you think we should take this?"

Anna's brow furrowed. "I don't know," she said. "As far as we both want to, I guess?"

"I'd be careful with that," Elsa said cautiously. "It's not that simple. Nothing about this is going to be simple." Anna looked confused, so she went on. "Relationships are…messy. A lot of times, they end poorly. So poorly that it leaves a mark on both parties involved. You know what that's like already."

"I do," Anna said, nodding solemnly. "But you aren't like Hans. I knew him for a couple months - I've known you for years. You're nothing like him."

"I don't have to be," Elsa said. "Neither do you. Even two perfectly good people can make mistakes. And in a relationship, one mistake can cost…everything."

She lowered her head. Anna nodded, and Elsa was sure she knew exactly what she was talking about now.

Her breakup with Belle had been the first time she had stayed home from college for more than a weekend. For weeks afterwards, she'd cried herself to sleep, and Anna had been by her side the whole time. There had been no secrets – she'd answered every question Anna had asked, and even told her things she never would've thought to ask. She'd even admitted that she'd spent a few nights in strip clubs just to have someone to touch.

"When I broke Belle's heart, mine broke, too," Elsa said. "You were there for me then. Who's going to be there for you if I break your heart?"

"It's okay, Elsa," Anna said, smiling. "You learned from your mistakes. I trust you not to-"

"It's not about trust," Elsa interrupted. "Every couple makes mistakes and gets into fights sometimes. I can't promise that I'll never piss you off. If you think back, you'll remember that I'm very good at it."

"Okay, yeah, we've fought before," Anna admitted. "But we always make up."

"Because we're sisters. We're close, but not that close. When you have a girlfriend, you get way closer. That means that when she hurts you, it cuts deeper. Way deeper." Elsa looked down at her hands. "I got lucky with Esmeralda. Really fucking lucky. No matter how much I fucked up, she always managed to forgive me. I don't want to have to test you like that."

Anna spent a few moments on silence, processing Elsa's warnings. Then she reached out and took her hand. "I understand the risks, Elsa. I'm willing to take them. For you. No matter what happens, I won't hate you."

Elsa looked up at her, eyes welling up. "Can you promise me that?" she said, voice unsteady. "Even if I hurt you worse than…worse than Hans?"

Anna took her other hand. "You could never. You love me, and I love you. Nothing you could do could ever make me doubt that."

"Yes," Elsa said. "I love you as a sister. What we're doing, right now, this would make us…more than sisters. I want that. I really want that. But more than that, I never want us to be less than sisters. So promise me, no matter how much I-"

"Either of us," Anna interjected.

"Fine. No matter how much either of us fucks up and hurts the other, we won't ever stop being sisters. Promise me that, and I'll do it."

Anna couldn't stand to be out of her sister's arms any longer, so she stood up and dashed around the table. She wrapped Elsa in a bear hug, which Elsa gladly returned. "I promise," she whispered. "I promise we'll always be sisters. No matter what."

And for maybe the first time since she had recognized her own feelings for Anna, Elsa thought things might just end well after all.

xxxxxxx

If Elsa had had her way, they simply would've stayed there, in each other's arms, for the rest of the evening, or maybe even the rest of time. But no, there was work to be done.

She cleared her throat as Anna got up, then say down again in the seat nearest to her. "So, we're going to do this," she said. "We're going to…date for real." Just saying it out loud gave her butterflies.

Anna nodded happily.

"We're going to need some ground rules, then."

"Okay," Anna said. "Like what?"

"First of all," Elsa said, "The matter of who we tell about this relationship. Now, it'd be ready to say that we don't tell anyone, keep it a complete secret. But…" She felt a pang of guilt, but she kept going. "I have already confided in Esmeralda."

"Can she keep a secret?" Anna asked.

"To the grave," Elsa said. "But if I've got a friend that knows, it's only fair that you can have one as well. Just make sure you find someone who you know for a fact you can trust to never, ever tell anyone about it."

Anna stroked her chin. "Hmm, I'll think about it. I wouldn't want to tell Punz about it, that's for sure."

"God, no," Elsa agreed.

She wanted to leave it at that, but her conscience prodded at her to tell the whole truth. "Truth be told," she said, scratching the back of her neck, "I did more than just confide in her."

"Meaning?"

Elsa fidgeted. "Well, remember, I didn't think my feelings for you were…reciprocal, so…I wanted to clear my head, and I…"

Anna nodded. "I see," she said.

"Can you forgive me?" Elsa asked piteously.

Ten agonizing seconds passed while Anna deliberated. "There's nothing to forgive," she decided. "We weren't dating then – not for real, anyway. You didn't think we would be."

The tension in Elsa's body was released instantly. "Thank you so much," she said gratefully.

"It's not going to happen again," Anna said. It wasn't a question.

"No, it isn't," Elsa agreed vehemently.

An awkward pause followed.

"So, uh, next ground rule?" Anna prompted, clearly as eager to move on as Elsa.

"Right," Elsa said. "Public displays of affection."

"Hmm, yeah," Anna said. "I'm guessing we avoid those?"

"Mostly," Elsa said. "As long as we don't run into anyone we know, we should be safe, but I don't think either of us want to be constantly looking over our shoulders for old friends."

"Guess so," Anna said, a little sadly.

"That said," Elsa followed up, "I don't think anyone would look twice at two sisters holding hands. And if you just can't help yourself, just give me a signal. There's always some dark corner we could run off to…"

Anna snorted. "Can't help myself? Like I'm some crazed kiss-hungry vixen?"

"You'd be surprised," Elsa said, a faint smile on her face. "I know I've been there."

"Well, I'll be sure to let you know," Anna said. "Next item?"

Elsa's face hardened, grew more serious. "Next item," she said. "Comfort and discomfort."

Anna motioned for her to continue. Elsa prepared her words carefully.

"This…everything we're doing…is Terra Incognita. I really want to keep going, but we have to be very, very careful, and take things slowly. Even stuff that you'd take for granted in a normal relationship will be different for us. We've already talked about how critical a mistake could be."

Anna nodded.

"So, here's what I propose. We'll be taking things slowly and carefully. If I start moving too fast, you tell me. If we're making out and I do something that doesn't feel okay, tell me. If you just wake up one morning and all of this feels…not right, tell me. I'll pull the brakes, we'll talk about it. Deal?"

Anna frowned. "You mean, if I wake up and suddenly decide incest is icky?" she said, sounding a little insulted.

"Not just that," Elsa said. "Even normal relationships go on for too long sometimes. They carry on even when one or both participants aren't in love anymore. It's a bad situation, and it just puts both of them through unneeded stress." She looked Anna in the eye. "Imagine how much worse that would be for the two of us."

"I…hadn't thought about that," Anna admitted.

"I really don't mean to patronize you, Anna. I'm just walking on eggshells here." She smiled reassuringly. "I'm willing to follow this as far as both of us are comfortable with, but only that far. Does that sound fair?"

Anna nodded vigorously. "Yes, it does," Anna said.

Elsa smiled. "Shall we seal it with a kiss, then?"

Anna bounded out of her chair. "You bet!" she said, racing to Elsa's side. Elsa pursed her lips.

Smooch

"All right," Elsa said satisfactorily. "It's official. You are now my girlfriend, and I'm yours."

Anna beamed. A raised eyebrow soon followed, though. "That was the whole kiss?" she asked.

Elsa smirked. "Well, that was just the kiss to seal it. Now that you're my girlfriend, you can kiss me as long and as often as you like."

And Anna did just that.