Chapter twenty-four

Want this

Something had been off all day.

Without an alarm, Elsa didn't get up until about nine thirty. Anna had waited for her to wake up before getting breakfast, so they ate together. But while Elsa had been prepared for another barrage of sexual advances – and spent all her time in the shower deciding which ones she would indulge – breakfast was, for the most part, a silent affair. They munched on their cereal quietly, their longest conversation about that day's plans. She had seen an eager look in Anna's eyes, bordering on apprehensive, but her actions were tightly schooled. When she had kissed Elsa goodbye, it was her kissing Elsa on the cheek. Elsa couldn't have been more confused.

Her ability to stay in control and plan things out had gone down the shitter right around Elsa Schneider's third date, and it had been only chaos since. She had felt like she was gaining a little more control around the time of their mutual confessions, but now it was all gone again, into the black hole of uncertainty.

Was Anna's sexual drive cooling off? Had she taken her hint? Was she feeling upset that Elsa had turned the cold shoulder? Or was she just waiting? And if so, for what?

It was the sort of question that could pull at Elsa's mind all day. She was lucky her exams were all done, because the eight hours she spent on campus absolutely failed to register in her head. Her shoulders felt stiff enough to break a board across.

Something was going to happen today.

xxxxxxx

Dinner was a quiet affair. Elsa cooked spaghetti, and they ate in front of the TV. They were on either end of the couch, the middle cushion feeling a hundred feet long between them. Their hands were either at their forks or their laps, though Elsa still hadn't figured out why Anna was doing so.

"So, how was your day?" she asked Anna.

Anna looked at her. "Oh, it was good," she asserted. "Really good."

"That's nice," Elsa said.

She waited a good fifteen seconds for Anna to elaborate, but it seemed she wasn't going to.

"Is…something wrong?" Elsa prompted. "Something you'd like to talk about?"

"No, everything's fine," she said. "Is everything ok with you?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's all good," Elsa said.

The response came to her so fast, she felt a little guilty about it. It wasn't really a lie. Nothing was, strictly speaking, wrong. She was just contemplating some things, that was all – no need to worry Anna about it. Yet still, as the moment passed, a feeling in her gut told her that maybe she should've told her the whole truth.

It's fine. I'll work this out myself. She doesn't need me to stress her out with my baseless concerns.

A few more hours passed, with the television dutifully allowing the two of them to put off thinking about their swirling cocktails of emotions.

Eventually, Elsa yawned. "Well, I'm bushed," she said, noting the time of thirty minutes to midnight. "I think I'll turn in."

"All right," Anna said. "I'll be up in a few minutes."

"Good night, then," Elsa said, kissing her on the lips. "See you in the morning."

Anna smiled. "See you later," she said.

As Elsa climbed the stairs, she felt the tension in her body ease with each step.

Well, looks like I was worried for nothing, as usual. Nothing happened today, after all.

Once Elsa was all the way up the stairs, Anna let out a huge breath, and stopped suppressing her trembles.

"You can do this," she said to herself. "You can do this."

Trust yourself, trust Elsa. It'll work out fine.

xxxxxxx

Sleep would be a long time coming, Elsa knew. The uneventful day hadn't completely eased her anxiety – if the other shoe hadn't dropped today, that just meant it would happen tomorrow, or the next day. She couldn't avoid thinking about it, so she might as well plan for it.

If she agrees that we were going too fast, that's great. If she's mad at me for slowing down, we can work through that. If she's started to have second thoughts about the whole thing…well, at least I stopped myself before things went too far.

She was starting to regret not pressing things further with Anna – ambiguity wasn't doing either of them any good. Still, she was doing the best with the information she had at hand. Sorting through her feelings would take some time, too. This lull in their interactions should be just what she needed.

So absorbed was she in her thoughts that she didn't notice the door slowly opening. It was only once a sliver of light trickled in from the hallway that she noticed something was happening. She turned to look.

Anna was standing in the doorway. Still wearing her day clothes, she stood there, rocking back and forth ever so slightly, as if on a precipice.

Elsa sat up. "Anna? What's going on?" she asked. Anna said nothing. "Is something wrong?"

Anna shook her head, seemingly having made her mind up. She began to advance, walking towards the bed.

"Anna, you're scaring m-"

Anna kissed her, cutting off her sentence. A surprised yelp made it out of her mouth before Anna's tongue darted forward, and Elsa responded in kind.

Elsa felt herself heat up on a dime, the emotional whiplash only intensifying the feeling. Her concerns and fears also flared up, but at the moment she had no way of expressing them.

Anna moved forward as her kiss continued, gently pushing Elsa backwards. Elsa wrapped her arms around Anna's neck to stay on balance as she slowly reclined, until she was lying on her back. Anna stepped onto the bed, now straddling her sister.

Elsa took a deep breath to try and steady herself, but breathing in Anna's heady scent did nothing to calm her down. She kept her fingers intertwined around the back of her sister's neck, where they could do no damage.

Anna's hands were not so restrained. She placed her right hand on Elsa's waist, on the strip of exposed flesh between her pajama top and bottom. Then her hand snaked upward. Fast.

Elsa gasped as her sister's hand grabbed her breast. She squeezed it, shocking Elsa with her forwardness. With her left hand, she grabbed Elsa's right, and pulled it downwards, from her neck down to her own waist. Gently but firmly, she guided Elsa's hand under her own shorts.

Jesus fucking Christ!

Ice flooded through her spine as her fingers entered her sister. She was already wet – sopping wet. The realization hit Elsa in this moment.

This isn't just another make out, it's not even foreplay. She wants to go all the way, right here, right now!

Panic flushed through Elsa's body, flushing out the lust that Anna's hand and mouth had been building.

I can't do this now! I'm not ready. We're not ready!

She pulled her hand back, then pushed against Anna's chest with her other hand. It wasn't a hard push, just a small, insistent nudge, but it conveyed the message quickly. Anna pulled away, breaking off her kiss. Her eyes were questioning, and a trace of disappointment was present on her face.

"I can't do this, Anna, not now. Not yet." The words tasted of bitter irony as they left her mouth – she had never even considered that she might have to use them.

Anna was totally confused. "Why?" she asked, her voice bordering on a whine. "Don't…don't you want this?"

"I do, Anna, I do. More than anything in this world," Elsa said. "But now just isn't the time for it."

"But I'm ready now," Anna insisted. "Isn't that what you've been waiting for?"

Her disappointment was now clear on her face. Elsa tried to think of how to best explain her misgivings, but she felt her own panic rising.

"Yes, but…not just that," Elsa said. "It has to be the right time for it, or else things could…end badly. I'm not sure it is yet."

"But I want to, and you want to," Anna said. "Why can't we do this now?"

Anna's pleading voice tugged at her heart, but she struggled to maintain her composure.

"This is different from everything we've done before," she said. "A point of no return. If we do this, there's no turning back. You'll never have the chance to have a…a normal relationship ever again."

"But that's what I want!" Anna insisted.

"You can't know that for sure yet! You've only dated one woman so far, and you're still a-"

Elsa felt a chill run through her body, realizing what she had been about to say. She bit down on the last word before it could leave her mouth, but it was too late. Anna understood exactly what the missing word had been.

Her features darkened, and anger sparked. "I'm not a child!" she shouted, verging on petulance.

"I didn't mean it like that," Elsa said, trying to do damage control. "I just meant that you're inexperienced, you're still figuring things out-"

"Oh, and you have it all figured out?" Anna said angrily.

"I don't!" Elsa insisted. "I haven't gotten any of this figured out - I'm just as unsure as you are! It's confusing for me, too, that's why I just need time to get my feelings in order, to make sure we're on the right path!"

Anna pulled back, as if slapped. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them.

"You mean…you're having second thoughts?" she said quietly.

"No!" Elsa said hastily. "Well…not really, just…concerns. I still want to do this, eventually, I think, I just need to make sure I know it's the right thing to do. N-not that I'm saying you're doing anything wrong, it's my fault, if anything, just…" She trailed off, seeing that her rambling wasn't making anything better. "Aren't you uncertain about any of this? Even a little?" she finished pitifully.

Anna looked her dead in the eyes. "No," she said. "Not even a little."

Elsa trembled. This wasn't anger anymore. It was worse.

"I love you, Elsa," she said. "I want to be with you, always. I want to hold you, and to have you hold me. And I want to know you. I made my decision – I thought you already had." She sniffled. "You told me to tell you if I started having second thoughts, if any of this felt…not right." She looked at Elsa. "But you didn't tell me when you started having second thoughts."

Anna's voice was cracking now. "I thought you respected me enough to share that with me."

"You're right, I should've," Elsa said quickly. "I wanted to resolve it by myself, if I could. I didn't want to…h-hurt you." She stopped herself when she realized just how pathetic that sounded.

Anna stood up. She smiled a pained, mirthless grimace. "Well…you didn't."

She turned and walked towards the door. Elsa sat up. "Wait, Anna, don't go, we can-"

"Don't," said Anna in a low, wavering voice. Her tone froze Elsa in her bed. "Don't follow me. I need…I need to think."

She swung the door shut. It clicked softly as it closed.

Elsa sat stock still in her bed, paralyzed.

I fucked it up. I fucked it all up.

Waves of despair and self-loathing washed over her, destroying the fragile confidence she had been building. Just like that, she had managed to destroy any chance of a relationship with her sister.

I need a fucking drink.

She clenched her fists, mustering what little strength she had.

No, what I need is to talk to Anna. I have to explain myself, tell her everything I'm thinking, and apologize until I'm blue in the face. She may not want to hear it now, but she needs to. If I have any hope of salvaging things, that's how I'll do it.

Clinging to this purpose, she managed to get herself out of the bed and into the hall. She walked towards Anna's room, the door to which was also closed. She fought through her trepidation and knocked on the door.

"Anna?" she called. No reply. She knocked again, harder. "Anna, can I come in?" Still silence.

"Please, Anna, we need to talk. I'm sorry about what I said. Let me tell you everything."

Only silence answered her. She gathered her courage and tried the doorknob, finding it unlocked. That was at least promising. She opened it slowly, preparing for her sister's anger.

The room was empty.

Elsa flicked the light on and looked around just to make sure, but there was no sign of Anna anywhere.

It was then that she heard the car engine start.

Her heart sank. Frantically, she turned around and ran down the stairs, nearly tripping, and dashed to the front door. But by the time she made it outside, all she saw were the car's tail lights disappearing around a corner.

"Anna!" she cried out, uselessly. "Don't…don't…"

Her voice trailed off, fading into nothing. She stood there on the doorstep, staring off into the black night Anna had disappeared into.

Her legs trembled, and she collapsed on the doorstep, sobbing.