Chapter twenty-five

Not where I belong

I'm gonna fucking crash.

The car drove through the night, headlights piercing through the relentless gloom. She could barely see through her tears, and she was sure she was going over the speed limit. When the harsh glow of a gas station loomed out of the darkness, Anna pulled into the parking lot. Once the car came to a stop, her body slumped, and she caught her head in her hands.

I read it wrong. Somehow, I read it all wrong. Usually I'm decent at reading people, but this blindsided me completely.

Why the fuck wouldn't she tell me she was having second thoughts about this? It's a kinda fucking important thing to mention! Maybe she was acting a little weird, but she gets jitters like that all the time, it usually doesn't mean anything!

She clenched her eyes shut, trying to force the tears out of them, but they lingered, stinging her eyes. The pain helped stoke her anger, even as her sadness fought for control.

There must be something going on that I'm not getting. Why would she just change her mind and act like nothing's wrong?

Well, I guess I'll never know, will I, if she doesn't respect me enough to tell me these things!

Her phone beeped over and over with text notifications. No points for guessing who. She turned the volume down to zero.

Even as her anger smoldered, her body still ached for Elsa. She desperately wanted to be in her arms, even though she knew she wasn't wanted there. She couldn't go back, not yet.

So where do I go?

Punzie's house? Eugene's? Go there and let them know how much of a pervert I am? I don't think so. And the only other address I know is…

No. No fucking way. No chance in hell. That's the one place I could go that'd make things worse.

So what's left? I'm alone in the middle of the night, with nobody to hold me. Where do normal people go in that situation?

Then she remembered something Elsa had said – a mention of where she had gone after her first breakup.

Just the idea of it was crazy – even in her current state, she still blushed. But…why the fuck not, at this point?

She checked her wallet. The gas station could break a twenty for her, they probably had enough small bills.

A month ago, she never would've even considered this. But things had changed. Oh, how things had changed.

Her mind made up, she pulled out her phone, booted up her GPS, and typed in the two words she'd never thought she would ever search for.

xxxxxxx

The music was loud. Good. All the better to drown out her thoughts.

Dubstep thundered out of speakers all around the building. The only overhead lighting was tinted, bathing the room in purple and green. Comfortable chairs formed a half-circle around the stage, permitting as deep a slouch as you might want while still providing a good view of the action. Most of the patrons were men, filling about three-quarters of the first row, and deliberately avoiding even the slightest chance of eye contact with each other.

Oh, and then there were the girls. Couldn't forget about them, could she?

Anna slumped on a chair near the center of the semicircle, sipping on a root beer – must be nice to be 21, huh? – and staring at the stage. A brunette gyrated on a pole, performing moves that Anna would hesitate to attempt even fully clothed. More half-naked girls walked around the club, most of them so skinny that their ribs were visible. It was nice enough to look at, and combined with the pounding music, it was almost enough to make her forget why she was here.

She mechanically tossed her singles onstage, emulating how they did it in movies. Her emotions had dulled considerably, masked by the cheap scintillations of the strip club. She tried hard to squash any thoughts about Elsa, which of course was pretty Sisyphean, but at least the pain was less intense.

"Hey there, hon."

Anna glanced to the side. A slightly older woman, maybe in her early thirties, had approached her. She was taller than most of the other girls, with a bit more meat on her bones. "You're looking lonesome," she said, her face sympathetic. "First breakup?"

Anna shook her head.

"Worst breakup?"

This time Anna nodded.

"Yeah, that's rough," the woman said. "Mind if I sit with you?"

Anna shrugged. "Sure, go ahead," she mumbled.

Anna yelped in surprise as, instead of sitting next to her, the stripper sat directly on her lap. She raised her hands to either side, not sure where to put them.

The woman chuckled at her surprise, as if she was used to it. "First time here, honey? Well, you can touch all you like – just no grabbing."

Anna, hands hovering, eventually placed her hand on the woman's waist. She wasn't as muscular as Elsa, but Anna could still feel the muscles beneath her soft skin. It was weird to be touching a stranger like this, but to feel someone's body heat so close to hers felt comforting. She couldn't help but be a little aroused.

She soon felt guilty, however. This woman was friendly, her body was warm, and her skin was supple. But she wasn't Elsa. Touching her only reopened the wound she had been trying to ignore.

Softly, she pushed against the woman. "Sorry, just…no, please. Not right now." She almost choked on the irony as the words left her mouth.

The lady immediately obliged, standing up again and placing herself in the seat next to her. "Sorry 'bout that," she said. "Most folks like the directness, but sometimes I come on a little too strong."

"Yeah, well, join the fucking club," Anna muttered.

"All right, so no touching," the woman said. "You wanna talk?"

Anna looked at her. "I guess," she said. "If you don't mind."

"Of course!" she said. "I ain't a grief counselor, but I've seen enough sad sacks come through those doors to know a thing or two about solving problems."

She stuck out a hand. "The name's Helen," she said. "Helen Back."

Anna managed a weak chuckle. "Clever," she said.

Helen leaned back in her seat, crossing her legs. "So, what kinda heartbreak are we dealing with? Unrequited love? Or just a bad fight?"

Anna shifted to face the older woman, trying to pick her words carefully. "Well, I fell in love with someone that I…probably shouldn't have. But I thought it'd turn out okay, until today."

Helen nodded. "Ah, that kinda sitch, huh? So who would this forbidden love be?"

"I can't say," Anna said, looking down.

"Ah, come on," Helen said. "Your secret's safe with me, I promise."

Anna fidgeted. "It's embarrassing."

"Look at me," Helen continued. "Five minutes before you showed up, I was grinding on a fat businessman's lap for a tenner. You think I'm gonna judge you?"

Anna was torn. Despite her reticence, she really wanted to confess to someone. She couldn't do it with anyone she knew – maybe this would be a better solution?

Fuck it, I'm still allowed a confidant, aren't I?

She looked up and blurted out the words before she could second-guess herself. "My sister."

Her face reddened, and she waited for the pushback.

Helen raised an eyebrow. "That's it?" she said. "I thought you were gonna say, like, your mom or something."

Anna blinked. Of all the responses she'd expected, that was not one of them. "What?"

"We get all sorts of freaky-deaky people here," Helen explained. "Believe me, on a scale of one to 'fucking weird', sister ain't even in the positive numbers."

Anna wasn't sure if she believed her, but Helen's refusal to judge her brought at least a little comfort.

"So," Helen continued. "Girl has sister, girl loves sister. I'm guessing the next step is, sister doesn't love girl back?"

Anna's head drooped. "I'm not even sure anymore."

xxxxxxx

Helen was spared no details. Once Anna started talking, the words just kept coming. She took her through every step of her journey, from Hans to Kristoff to Elsa Schneider to just plain Elsa. Every moment they shared, every misgiving she felt, every warning sign ignored but now so clear in hindsight – all of it poured out of her, unfiltered and largely uninterrupted. Emotion started trickling into her voice near the end, and she teared up, but still the tears clung to her eyes rather than fall.

"And then I ran," said Anna, drawing to a close. "I ran because I didn't know what else to do. And now I'm here."

Helen had taken her hand a few minutes back. Now she took the other. "Poor thing," she said. "Getting shut down, right in the moment like that – that sucks dick."

Anna sighed and slumped back into her chair, drained. "I went too far," she said. "I can see that now. But…she really, really should've told me what was up before that. Not telling me was just insulting."

Helen leaned forward, placing her hands in her lap. "So, you wanna hear my opinion?" she asked.

Anna nodded. "Sure," she said. "I'm all ears."

"Now, keep in mind," Helen said, "I can't pretend I know exactly how either of ya are thinking. My sister's never had the hots for me, or vice versa."

"I figured that," Anna said.

"But, uh, based on what you've told me…it doesn't sound like she's changed her mind, or reconsidered, or anything. I don't think she doesn't want you anymore."

Anna lifted her head, eyebrows arching. "You don't?" she asked. "Then…what does it sound like?"

"Well, it sounds like she's trying to balance being a sister and being a girlfriend," Helen said. "And that ain't easy. Bein' a good girlfriend is hard, but being a good sister – whoo, that's way, way harder. And if she had to pick just one, which one do you think she'd pick?"

"…Well, I guess," Anna said. "But she doesn't have to pick. I'm ready to do both, that's what I was trying to show her."

"Maybe you are," Helen said. "Who's to say she is?"

Anna frowned. "Why wouldn't she be? She's been with other girls before – lots of them!"

Helen raised an eyebrow. "And is that what you wanna be? Just another in a long line of girls she's slept with?"

"No," conceded Anna.

"Then it ain't the same. If she wants to be with you in the long run, I bet she'll wanna make damn sure everything's all right. She doesn't sound like the kind of gal to do anything important without thinking it over a million times."

"Then she should've told me that," Anna said. "If she'd just had an adult discussion with me about it, this wouldn't be happening. She was still treating me like a child."

"Because you've been a child her whole life," Helen said. "She's known you as a kid, her little sister, for eighteen years. You don't just shake that off in a couple of months. Hell, I know a guy who treats his younger bro like a kid, even though he's 63 years old now."

"But I've been trying to prove to her that I'm grown up – at least enough for this," Anna insisted. "I've been doing everything I can."

Helen raised one corner of her mouth in a knowing smile. "Like what? Swearing and dressing all skimpy?"

Anna winced. It sounded a lot less convincing when she said it out loud. "Yes," she admitted.

The woman shook her head. "Honey," she said, "that's my goddamn job description, and my family still tells me to grow up every chance they get."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" Anna asked, a little desperately. "How do I prove to her that I'm ready?"

Helen shrugged. "Fucked if I know," she said. "Maturity's subjective. You ask everyone on the planet what makes someone mature enough to handle a relationship, you'll get seven billion different answers. I've seen a lotta folks that never get there."

Anna looked down. "Yeah, and I'm guessing 'running away at the first sign of rejection' is a pretty big disqualifier for most, huh?"

Helen gently dragged Anna's chin up with a finger, reestablishing eye contact. "Hey, I don't blame you," she said. "Your emotions were running high, you wanted some space. There are worse ways to deal with an argument, especially with your sister." A regretful look appeared in her eye. "Trust me on that one."

"So you're saying…you don't think I've totally fucked this up yet?" Anna asked, with a glimmer of hope.

"Not yet," Helen said. "It's not nothing, but this fight you two had isn't a relationship ender, not on its own. You still care about her, sounds like. And unless that's a vibrator in your pocket, I'm guessing she still cares about you, too."

Anna blushed. Her phone was still buzzing with message after message. Ignoring it wasn't helping anything. "I'm…afraid to look," she admitted.

"Well, it's not gonna get any easier," Helen said.

Anna gritted her teeth and fished the phone out of her pocket. She opened up her messages and winced, as she saw exactly what she'd expected. Message after message of apologies, pleas, and requests to know where she'd gone filled the screen. As she scrolled down, the spelling and grammar deteriorated. Which meant she was drinking.

I need to get back there. This isn't where I belong.

Two more texts arrived while she formulated her own, trying to think of the right words. Eventually, finally, she hit send.

I'm coming back home. We'll talk in the morning.

Almost instantly, the messages stopped rolling in.

Anna stood up. "I'm…I'm going home," she said. "Thank you so much for all the advice, Helen."

"I'm glad I could help," Helen said. She stood up and gave Anna a quick hug. Despite how little she was wearing, there was absolutely nothing sexual about it. "Good luck."

As urgently as Anna wanted to leave, a question burned in her mind. "So…you said you got in a fight with your sister," she said. "Did you two ever make up?"

Helen sighed. "No," she said, "We didn't. And you wanna know something? It sucks. It fucking sucks."

Anna lowered her head. "I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"Go," Helen said, smiling wistfully. "I've made my mistakes. Go fix yours."

Anna nodded. With one last wave goodbye, she turned around and walked briskly towards the exit.

She very nearly broke into a sprint.

xxxxxxx

The front door clicked open, then shut. Elsa was in her room, but she heard it – she'd done nothing but listen for it for the past fifteen minutes. She sat in her bed, not moving and listening as hard as possible.

The bottle of vodka was sitting by her bed, now sealed. She'd taken one last drink for courage after getting Anna's message, then placed it out of reach. The morning was only a few hours away, and she'd be facing it tired and not completely sober. But that was her fault. This whole thing was basically her fault, but that was in particular.

The stairs creaked, one by one. Elsa felt her heart rate accelerate with each one. Anna's text had been clear, but maybe she'd give some kind of signal for how things would go in the morning. Something. Anything.

She was close enough that Elsa could hear her individual footsteps now. She walked down the hallway, then stopped, lingering outside of Elsa's closed door. Elsa held her breath.

Is she going to say anything right now? Should I say anything? Where has she been? What did she do? Has she changed her mind, or-

The door handle turned, and even her inner voice fell silent.

The door creaked open, just a crack. Anna stuck her head in and looked at Elsa. She stayed motionless on the bed. Anna's face was impassive, expressionless. She stayed there for only seconds, then pulled away and closed the door.

As it clicked shut, Elsa feel backwards into the bed, a wave of exhaustion flooding over her. Her head landed on her tear-soaked pillow, and her eyes closed.

She's home. Thank god, she's back home.

She may still hate me. She may want nothing more to do with me, girlfriend or otherwise. I still may have damaged our relationship beyond repair. But at least she's safe at home.

With this small solace, sleep finally came to her. In the adjacent room, Anna collapsed onto her bed, not even having the strength to change into her pajamas before drifting to sleep. And the worst night of both of their lives drew to a close.