Chapter twenty-six

Time to talk, again

Anna woke up to the smell of bacon.

She pushed herself up, groaning. Her body was stiff, and her skin chafed from sleeping in her clothes. The previous night's events were still sharp in her mind – speaking of sharp, her head ached. Nevertheless, she took stock of her situation. Elsa was cooking, so she must've overslept. Yet her clock read 8:07 – a little late for her, but very early for Elsa. How much sleep did she even get, anyway?

Anna's stomach rumbled. She stretched, cracking her toes, then her knuckles, then her neck. She sniffed at her shirt and winced. She didn't bother checking a mirror, confident that she probably looked as bad as she smelled. She considered a shower, or at least a change of clothes, but her stomach rumbled again and she decided against it. Elsa's cooking was hard to pass up, and if it was almost done now, it'd be cold by the time she made it out of the shower. Hunger had a funny way of worming itself to the forefront of the mind, drowning out all other problems.

Fine, she'll just have to take me as I am.

Anna stumbled, bleary-eyed, down the stairs, into the dimly lit kitchen. Elsa was bustling around, moving with the energy only a person with less than four hours of sleep could possess. She noticed Anna come in and turned to face her.

"Oh, Anna, you're up!" she said. "Everything's just about ready." She gestured at the toast already on two plates, and the large skillet with bacon and eggs inside. "You still like your eggs over easy?"

"Yes," Anna said quietly, her voice a little hoarse.

"And how do you like your coffee?" Elsa asked, gesturing at the coffeepot.

"Cream, two sugars."

"All right, then," Elsa said. "It'll just be a couple more minutes."

Anna didn't reply. She just stood there, looking at Elsa impassively. Elsa divined her concern pretty quickly.

"This isn't a bribe," Elsa said. "We're still going to have a talk – a long, painful talk. But since we won't have the luxury of a full night's sleep, or-" she tapped her own head guiltily "-a sober head, in my case – I figured we might as well deal with it on a full stomach."

"Fair enough," Anna said.

Elsa looked like she had more to say, but instead she turned back to the stove. Anna was having none of it.

"You look like you have something else you want to say," she said.

"I do," Elsa said, staring at the skillet. "But…maybe I shouldn't."

"Elsa," Anna said in a warning tone.

"You're right, you're right," Elsa said quickly. "I need to stop thinking like that."

She clutched the countertop, drawing in several deep breaths. Finally, she turned around.

"I…hurt you," she said, sounding as if she had to force out the words one by one. "I made a mistake, and I hurt you. You're probably still mad at me, and you have every right to be. I'm going to be apologizing to you for a long, long time. I don't know if I have the right to make any kind of demands, or even requests. But I'm going to anyway."

She paused, looking at her sister. Anna motioned for her to continue.

"I can't blame you for running. I've done the same thing in the past – way too many times. I wish you hadn't, but I have no grounds to tell you that you shouldn't."

She took another deep breath, this one shuddering, and closed her eyes.

"But you didn't tell me you were leaving," she said, emotion entering her voice. "You didn't say where you were going, and you didn't answer my texts when I asked where you were, for hours." She opened her eyes again, staring at Anna with a pained look. "I was dying worrying about you. Anything could've happened to you, and I wouldn't have known."

Her voice took on a pleading tone now. "I won't ask you where you went, or what you did. But I need you to promise me that the next time this happens, you'll tell me where you go. No matter how mad I make you, or you make me, you can't vanish without a trace. I won't follow you if you tell me not to, but you can't just leave me in the dark like that. My heart just can't take it." Her voice fell to a begging whisper. "Please," she breathed.

Anna tried to hold a steely demeanor, but seeing Elsa in anguish like this made it almost impossible. "Okay," she said, her voice holding steady. "I promise."

Elsa relaxed, her high-strung body sagging a little. "Thank you," she said. "Thank you so much, Anna."

Still, Anna sensed something more to come. She waited for Elsa to continue, which she did.

"That was my demand," she said. "Now…I have a request. You don't have to fulfill it if you don't want to, or you think I don't deserve it."

"Okay," Anna said guardedly. "Let's hear it. What is it you want?"

Elsa stepped forward and raised her arms to either side. "A hug."

Anna froze. She stared at her sister, wide-eyed and starting to tremble.

Elsa reluctantly began to lower her arms. "It's okay if you're not there yet," she said. "We can just eat and-"

Anna rushed forward, wrapping her arms around her sister and squeezing tight. She sank her face into Elsa's shoulder and sobbed, loudly and openly. Elsa hugged Anna back, holding her as if she'd never get the chance to again. She stroked her sister's unwashed, tangled, perfect hair, and she wept.

Now, at last, the tears that had eluded Anna the previous night poured from her eyes, soaking Elsa's shirt. Elsa, who thought she had cried herself dry, found more tears herself. Anna's composure was gone, the warmth of the sister she thought she had lost rocking her to the core.

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice muffled.

"I'm sorry too," Elsa answered, her tears falling on Anna's hair.

"I messed up," Anna said.

"We both did," said Elsa, gripping even harder.

Anna was barely even supporting her own weight anymore. Elsa held her completely. And Anna, totally consumed by her emotions and bawling like a baby, knew she was right where she wanted to be.

xxxxxxx

"Pass the salt, please," Elsa asked. Anna handed it over, and she salted the contents of her fork, upon which she had speared a piece of bacon, egg, and toast.

Her cooking was excellent, as usual. Thanks to the duration of their hug, the over easy eggs had come out closer to medium, but they still tasted delicious. Would that it would be the only sacrifice they'd need to make that day.

Despite having had a good few hours of lying awake in bed to prepare for their conversation, Elsa still felt woefully unprepared. They were on steadier ground now after their hug, but so much was still uncertain. She was worried about how Anna would react to her explanations, and especially so for the proposition she planned to make. At this point, though, she knew she was committed. She had no plan B.

The food gradually disappeared, tension steadily mounting as it did. Elsa reviewed the various opening remarks she had prepared, finding them all lacking. Soon they were down to crumbs, and still her fork skittered across the plate, looking for some last morsel to occupy her mouth. So she was surprised and relieved when Anna cleared her throat

"When I entered your room last night, Elsa, how did you feel?" Anna asked quietly.

Elsa processed this question, wiping her mouth on a napkin to buy time. "I felt…panicked," she said. "Like the most important choice of my life was suddenly in front of me, and I only had a few seconds to make it."

"And when I left?" Anna asked. "How did you feel then?"

Elsa bit her lip. "Like I'd made the worst one," she said.

Anna nodded. "I'm sorry," she said. "I know you have anxiety and stuff. I shouldn't have forced you to choose so fast, without talking first. I just…" She looked down guiltily. "…I thought, if I just kind of sprung it on you, you wouldn't have time to second-guess yourself."

Elsa blinked. "Anna, I can't just skip past my anxiety and get to the part where I'm comfortable. Believe me, I would if I could."

"I know," Anna said. "But at the time, I thought you were ready to go, and you just weren't sure if I was."

Elsa nodded sadly. "I understand. That's a mistake I'm all too familiar with." A memory drifted to the forefront of her mind, pounding on her hungover brain. She squeezed her temples. "Although you'd think that'd mean I'd warn you about it."

Anna didn't reply. She could sense a story coming, one Elsa hadn't shared before.

She pulled her hand away from her face and looked at Anna. "When I met Belle," she said, "I had barriers up. Tons of them. So did she. But after a few weeks, we started blowing right through them. Everything was so exciting and new, and we were eager to learn about it. It felt like we didn't have any limits at all."

Anna swallowed. She could tell what was next.

"But we did, it turned out. Boy, did we. And guess who barreled right through them."

Anna's heart ached for her sister. She remembered the heartbroken nights that had followed.

"When I started dating you," Elsa continued, "I made every effort possible to avoid making the same mistake. So instead, I made the opposite mistake. Go me."

"Oh Elsa," Anna said, reaching out a sympathetic hand. "You kept saying afterwards that it was all your fault. It must've been partly hers, too – she could've…communicated better."

Elsa smiled ruefully. "Clearly I'm in no position to throw stones there," she said.

Anna said nothing.

"You'd think I could do better after that," Elsa said. "But I guess I still had plenty more fuckups to make, even after I went to hell and back for the first one."

Anna gasped.

Elsa noticed her surprise. "So, that's where you went, too," she said. Anna saw no point trying to deny it. "How is she, anyway?"

"She's…good," Anna said.

"Good listener, isn't she?" Anna nodded. "I had a feeling you'd meet her if you went there. She likes to seek out the heartbroken."

Anna nodded. "Well, I was that."

She rewound the conversation in her head. "So that's it, then?" Anna asked. "You pushed me away because you thought we were going too fast?"

Elsa rubbed her chin. "Yes, and no." She struggled with how to phrase her thoughts. "The reason…the reason…Okay, look. I don't think there's any way I can phrase this without upsetting you. Just trust me when I say that I don't mean to insult you in any way. Okay?"

"…Okay," Anna said, bracing herself.

Elsa breathed. "You are my sister," she said. She saw the look forming on Anna's face. "That's not the problem by itself," she said quickly. "It's not that I'm uncomfortable with touching or kissing you because of that. Maybe I was to start with, but not anymore. On a physical level, I've made peace with the idea. But…there's more than just the physical level going on here."

She looked Anna up and down. "You've changed so much in the past month. You've grown up a lot. And they aren't bad changes, per se. I don't dislike the changes on their own." She looked into Anna's eyes. "But I love the old you. The version of you that's just my sister, the one I've known for years. Maybe it's selfish, but…if you change, then that version of you might be gone forever." She broke eye contact, lowering her head. "I wasn't ready for that change."

She kept going, the words coming so easily now. "That was the purpose of Elsa Schneider. I wanted to make it clear that the Elsa you were kissing wasn't the one you'd grown up with, the one you knew as a sister." She laughed bitterly. "I don't know if I ever really believed that myself, or if I just pretended to."

She looked at Anna again. "So, in short, when you accused me of treating you like a child…yes, that's exactly what I was doing. I treated you like the child my sister was, instead of the woman you've become." She closed her mouth, and waited for Anna's judgment.

But it seemed Anna was in no mood to scold. "Yeah, well," she said bashfully, "maybe I'd have more grounds to complain if I didn't immediately prove you right."

Her voice took on a hint of self-loathing. "I saw you, you know. When I was driving away, I saw you in my rearview mirror. I saw you running. I saw you collapse." Her voice was fully bitter now, more scathing against her own actions than she'd ever been towards Elsa's. "You still wanted to explain yourself, to fight through the problem. Because that's what you're good at. And what am I good at? Running. So that's exactly what I did."

Elsa extended her hand. "It's easier to run away if someone's pushing you," she said.

"What choice did you have?" Anna asked. "I basically forced myself on you!"

"I hadn't given you any indication that it wasn't what I wanted," Elsa said. "I can't be mad at you for that."

"…Maybe you should," Anna said. She lowered her head, making herself small.

Elsa stood up. "You can't blame yourself for all of this, Anna," she said.

"Yes I can!" she shouted, voice raw. "All I had to do was ask you what was going on, and we could've avoided this entirely! Instead, I ran away like a coward and left you crying on the doorstep!" She sunk her head into her hands.

Elsa walked around the table and placed her hands on Anna's shoulders. "Hey," she said. Anna didn't look up. She squeezed her shoulders, then released, leaning forward and wreathing her arms around Anna's neck. "Hey," she said again, hugging her sister gently. This time Anna looked up. "It's okay," she whispered into Anna's ear.

"B-but I…we…"

"Yeah, we could've avoided this fight," Elsa said. "If I'd talked to you, or you talked to me, or a million other things. But we didn't. And that's okay. Know why?"

Anna shook her head.

"Because every relationship has fights, has arguments, has some kind of difficulties. No relationship is perfect, and if Elsa Schneider suggested otherwise, she's full of shit. It's only natural, when you get that close and open your heart to someone else, you both end up vulnerable to hurting each other. Sometimes, the joy is worth the pain. Sometimes it isn't." Elsa nuzzled her head into Anna's chin. "But with you, I don't think it could ever be not worth it."

Tears streaked down Anna's face. "So you're not…m-mad at me?"

Elsa smiled, squeezing her sister tighter. She relished the feeling of Anna so close to her, drinking in her smell. She couldn't help but shed a tear herself.

"Does it feel like I'm mad at you?"

xxxxxxx

The television was on, but neither of them could be accused of watching it.

Anna reclined against a back corner of the sofa with Elsa sitting comfortably between her legs. Anna, still bashful, had asked if she could cuddle Elsa for a while, which Elsa had happily allowed her to. Anna's hands moved across Elsa's body, from her hair, to her back, to her shoulders, unsure of where to settle but happy to drift.

Elsa, meanwhile, was thinking. Despite her brain still not being at full capacity, she was still trying to plan their next move. While it was normally quite irritating to not just be able to go with the flow, in light of recent events it seemed like a little planning would do the both of them a lot of good. And, indeed, a plan had formed. It'd be a hard sell, but never easier than right now.

She gathered her courage. "Hey, Anna?" she said.

"Mm?" Anna replied.

Elsa turned around, then leaned backwards so the two of them were facing one another. "So, I've been thinking," she said.

"About what?" Anna asked, sensing that something important was coming.

"About us, and how we move forward from this." She took a deep breath. "Do you remember when I said that I wanted us to be more than sisters, but also that I never wanted us to be less than sisters?"

Anna nodded. "Like I could forget," she said.

Elsa folded her hands. "Well, I think this would be the perfect opportunity to test that." Anna looked confused, so she elaborated. "We've just been through a fight – a pretty big one, too – and a separation. Probably one of the lowest points we'll ever get to, if we're lucky. If we can still be sisters after that, then I think…I think we've got a pretty good shot at this."

Anna still couldn't tell where she was going with this. "So what are you suggesting?"

"I'd like to try something." Elsa held up a finger. "One week of just being sisters. No kissing, no groping, just…all the things sisters normally do. For no other reason than to prove that we still can do it. Today's Saturday, so if we make it through the whole week without doing anything un-sisterly, then next Saturday morning, we'll be girlfriends." Then she delivered the finale. "And if you're still willing, that Saturday night, we'll be lovers."

Anna put a hand to her mouth. "Are you sure?" she asked.

Elsa prepared her defensive arguments. "Yes, I am. A week's a long time, for sure, and it'll be hard to resist, but I think this week will give us some good perspective as to where we're going, and…"

"No," interrupted Anna. "I mean, are you sure you'll be ready by next Saturday night?"

Elsa was taken aback. She had fully expected Anna to resist the idea outright, but the first concern she had was that it might not be long enough for her?

You really are wonderful, Anna.

Elsa swallowed. "I think so," she said. "My biggest fear is that being your girlfriend would push the two of us apart. If we're still capable of being sisters after what we've been through, that should confirm that it won't. I'll still have my smaller fears, but for you, I can put them aside."

"And the maturity thing?" Anna asked.

"If you can resist kissing your girlfriend for a whole week, that's more mature than I was at 18, that's for sure," Elsa said.

She took Anna's hand. "So does all of that sound reasonable?"

Anna started thinking.

"You can tell me if it isn't," Elsa said. "In fact, I want you to tell me if it isn't. If you think it's a selfish demand that's neglecting your needs, make sure you say that. I don't want to hurt you again."

"I know," Anna said, still thinking. "So…what happens if we can't make it a full week?"

"Then we try something else," Elsa said. "We'll keep trying things until something works. I'm not about to give up just because we couldn't meet some stupid goal I came up with, that's for sure."

"It's not stupid," Anna said. "It might be worth a shot." She looked at Elsa. "Sisters still hug, right?"

Elsa chuckled. "Yes, Anna, sisters hug."

"All right, then," Anna said. "Let's do it."

"You're sure about this, then?" Elsa asked. "It's a pretty big ask."

"I know it is," Anna said. "But…if you're not comfortable, I'm not comfortable. If this is what it takes, I'm with you on this."

Elsa smiled. "Thank you so much, Anna. You're the best sister ever."

Anna hugged her. "I'm a close second, at best."

Elsa chuckled.

"So, uh, when does this start?" Anna asked.

"Right now, I guess," Elsa said.

"Um…can it be in ten seconds?"

Elsa frowned. "Why?"

"So we can seal it with a nine-second kiss," Anna said, smiling.

Elsa grinned. "That sounds like a good idea to me."

Anna grabbed her collar and gently pulled her in.

Her kiss was spectacular, all the better for the night they had spent apart. Elsa's tongue danced with Anna's around their mouths, sending shivers down her spine. Where their last kiss had been surprising and followed by disaster, this one was welcome, pure, perfect.

This was going to be the longest week of her life.

A voice inside Elsa's head started screaming at her for forcing them to wait a whole week. She wanted Anna, Anna wanted her – why not go for it? But Elsa knew this would be good for them. If there was a way to still be a good sister while doing what she wanted to with Anna, this had to be it. But fuck, it was going to be so hard, for both of them.

Yes, it will be. But our relationship, and our sisterhood, are worth it. She's worth it.

The nine-second kiss lasted closer to fourteen seconds, although neither sister was counting. When they broke off, they were both wearing big smiles.

"It's started, then," Elsa said.

"Yep," Anna said. Despite her bedraggled appearance, she seemed of lighter spirits than she had when she first woke up. "So what do we do now?"

Elsa smiled at her. "Anything we want. Except for that one thing, of course."