"I feel like an idiot. I feel that way most of the time," admitted Tony. He felt ashamed to say it out loud, but it felt good to get it out too. "I feel like no-one cares, especially when they hurt me. I feel like I'm invisible most of the time. Sometimes, I even feel like I can't handle it anymore. Those are the times when I want to give up. I get upset that I had such a crappy childhood, with a mother that couldn't care less about me. All she cared about was showing me off. At least my father was consistent."

"What do you mean by 'consistent'?"

"I mean that my father wouldn't change, ever. He always hurt me, maybe in different ways, but it always hurt. He did it when he was drunk. He did it when he was sober. To him, I would always be a disappointment that needed to be taught a lesson. My mother, however, would be different. If she was drunk, she ignored me completely. They were the better times, actually. When she was sober, she would dress me in sailor suits and parade me in front of her friends. She would show off pictures of her 'precious little boy', as she called me. Nothing was ever predictable with her."

Rachel made some more notes. She wanted to revisit the issues with Tony's mother at some point, because it seemed as though Tony had been affected by her just as much as he had by his father. "Let's go back to how you feel about yourself. You said you feel like an idiot most of the time. Why is that?"

Tony shrugged. It was one thing to name the feeling, but he didn't know how to explain it. "I don't know."

"Try. Do you feel like an idiot because of something that happened?"

"I feel like an idiot when people assume that I don't know something they're talking about. I've always been smart, I just choose to not flaunt it."

Rachel nodded at the admission. In all the time she had known him, Tony had never once mentioned his intelligence. "Why don't you show it off a little?"

"I used to get picked on and beaten up when I got A's in school. After a while, I stopped letting everyone know. When I got to Rhode Island, however, it was hard to hide. Most of the kids there were really smart too. Whenever someone got an A, it was printed in the school newsletter. The student would get a commendation, usually lollies or chocolate, in front of everyone. I started to feel really good about being smart, but then my dad found out, and I started getting hurt again. I thought it had stopped because I was hardly ever home, but it was just wishful thinking."

"So, now you hide it. You don't have to hide it, Tony. I'm sure McGee would love to know how smart you are. It would make it seem a little less like he's on his own, and it would certainly give you some confidence." Rachel watched as Tony absorbed her words. She could tell that he wanted to be seen as smart, and her words seemed to give him a boost. "When you go to work today, I want you to try something for me. If it doesn't work, or you're too uncomfortable, then you don't have to continue. But I want you to try."

"Okay."

"I want you to take control of one of the IT aspects of your case. If you don't get to do that today, then try it the next time you're at work. Don't let McGee or Abby take over. If you need help, that's fine, but I want you to be in charge of the computer stuff."

"I can do that," said Tony, nodding happily.

"Good." Rachel flicked back through her notes. "Now, you said that you also feel invisible. Explain that to me."

"I feel like I'm not there sometimes, like I'm watching myself do something great, but no-one else sees it or acknowledges it.

"How does that make you feel?"

"Unwanted."

"You told me that work is where you feel good about yourself."

"I do, that wasn't a lie. But sometimes I also feel unwanted. Like I'm not really that important to the team."

"I know for a fact that you are important to the team, Tony. Gibbs would not have let you stay at his home last night if he didn't care. Abby would not give you the world's best hugs. Ducky wouldn't keep your secrets for you. You are very important." Rachel let those words sink in. "What about feeling as though nobody cares about you? Do you mean the team?"

"Yes. Again, it just makes me feel, sometimes, like they don't care. After I came up with the plan to save Ziva, not one person thanked me- except Ziva, but I don't mean her. After I saved Gibbs from drowning, there were no thank you's. Not one person cared to even see if I was okay after that. I could have ended up in the hospital with any number of problems, but no-one checked to make sure I was alright."

"And that makes you feel unloved, doesn't it?"

"Sometimes, yes."

"You know that everyone loves you, don't you?" Rachel asked, actually feeling like Tony might say no this question.

"I do, but it doesn't always seem that way."

"You know why it doesn't seem like they love you? It's because you are actively looking for that love and affection. It's not a bad thing, especially after everything you've been through, but unless they know what you need, nobody will realise that they have to actually make it obvious that they care."

"How do I fix that?"

"As long as you know they love and care about you, you'll be okay. When it gets hard, just remind yourself of that fact, and you'll see just how much better you feel."

Tony nodded. "I can do that."

"Good. We'll revisit this in a couple of weeks and see how you're dealing with it." Rachel made another note. "Now, I want to discuss this nightmare you had last night. What was it about?"

Tony took a deep breath, just as Rachel had shown him during his first therapy session. "I was ten years old in it. My mum hadn't died yet, but she was sick. I think that was one of the nights she spent in the hospital. I was reading in my room, and I had lost track of the time. I didn't even realise how late it was until my dad barged in, drunk and angry. I quickly put the book down, but it was too late. My father was already looming over me."

"Keep going."

"He must have been getting ready for bed or a shower or something, because he came in wearing only his boxer briefs. I think that was one of the first times he had used sexual abuse as a punishment."

"What happened?" Rachel could feel her blood boiling, but didn't dare show her emotions. She didn't want to make Tony any more uncomfortable than he already was.

"I was confused. We had just learnt about sex ed in class a couple of weeks earlier, but I didn't really understand what he was doing. He told me to get off the bed, which I did, and to strip down to my underwear. It had been a hot night, so I only had boxer shorts on. I didn't take long to do what he asked."

"After you stripped, what happened?"

Tony shuddered. The thought of what happened next was revolting, and the cause of his nightmare the previous night.

"It's okay, Tony. You're safe here. It's okay to talk about it."

Rachel's voice was so soothing, Tony was able to relax. "He made me stand in front of him. I had to stand still, and if I moved he got tighter. At first, he was just rubbing my underwear. It was uncomfortable, but I was wishing that was all he did after a few minutes. He spent maybe five minutes rubbing my underpants, then he shoved his hand down them and started squeezing me. At first, I let it happen. I was too scared to say anything. But then he got more confident, I guess, and he pulled my underwear down so that he could move my penis and play with my balls instead."

Rachel passed a box of tissues over and waited. She knew Tony would continue when he was ready.

"He stopped after ten minutes and left the room. I was so scared, but I didn't know what to do."

"Is this where the nightmare ended?"

Tony nodded. "Gibbs woke me up before it got any worse. Sometimes the nightmares are more than one memory that mix together."

"Was this going to be one of those times?"

"I think so. But Gibbs woke me before that happened, which I am grateful for. I ended up crying into Gibbs' shoulder until I fell asleep again. The poor guy has had to put up with this since I told him, and I really feel bad. He didn't sleep last night."

"That is not your fault, Tony. None of this is your fault. Trust me."

Tony smiled, but it was a weak smile. His pain was still lingering beneath the surface, and he knew it would take more than just a few chats with Rachel to sort everything out.