It means me
Magic London, 2010
«Ginny!» Luna calls, shaking her arm in order to be seen.
Her friend reaches her, they hug. «It's nice seeing you, Lu» she says, while heading to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour.
And it is nice, for Luna also, to meet – it's nice even if the conversation soon goes to how beautiful it is to be mom, with funny anecdotes about little James, Albus and Lily. Luna never saw Lily, she hasn't been to Potter's house in a while.
She tells Ginny about the Muggle biology class she's enrolled into, about the friends she's made and how there are fields in which Muggles are far superior than wizards. She asks if she met an interesting guy in her class, too, and winks.
Luna shakes her head and smiles, because that's a good way to introduce the news that she cares so much about, after all. «Muggles have a word for people like me, you know?» she says, without answering right away.
Ginny doesn't notice the shift in her friend's voice. «Single?» she jokes.
«Asexual» it's the answer she gets. Luna looks her in the eye.
«Asexual?» Ginny repeats, disoriented. «What does it mean?»
Yes, Luna thinks, what does it mean? «It means me» she whispers, just before recounting to her the explanations she heard from a classmate only a few days ago.
«I'm bisexual, what about you?»
Luna doesn't get Kim's question, she doesn't know the term she used. She sounded pretty convinced, no hesitations, so maybe it's something every Muggle knows about? Maybe it's a profession. She hopes it's not too suspicious to ask about that term's meaning.
Kim, though, smiles instead of being strange about it. «I like boys and girls» she explains, looking her in the eye. «I tend to take it for granted, but… does it bother you?» she asks then, turning very serious now.
She quickly shakes her head, while trying to digest the new term.
«I don't know what I am» she says later; Kim's smile becomes larger and understanding.
«Let's find out» she offers.
Muggles have many terms to denote sexual orientations; Luna lists many, yet not all, of them. Ginny listens, confusion clearly showing on her face.
«It's… much to learn so suddenly about» she says when Luna stops talking, without looking her in the eye. «I know some wizards prefer to partner with people of their sex, of course, but…»
«Is it that weird to think no one attracts me?» Luna calmly inquires, taking a sip of her chocolatte.
Ginny flinches; weird is the word she thought before choosing much. «To me, it looks like Muggles make simple things way harder than they are» she observes, avoiding to actually answer. «Are you sure all that didn't mess with your thoughts? I was joking, earlier, it doesn't matter if you still don't have a partner. Perhaps it's just you didn't find the right person yet».
Luna finds Ginny's last sentence a bit comical. What does it mean to find the right person? She doesn't get it more than her friend gets how she feels. What she's always felt, since when growing up her friends would rather talk about boys than play their childhood games. When Kim explained to her what asexuality means, Luna thought back to every time her dorm mates had fun filling in beauty rankings of Ravenclaw boys, Quidditch players, even the Triwizard Champions despite them being just three; they had tried to make her join a few times, than they just didn't try anymore. Two of her classmates had once decided to fill in a ranking of the fairest girls, but it hadn't made a difference to her. Luna simply didn't get it.
Now it's Ginny who doesn't get it; she looks at her unsure, like she'd suddenly grown another head. Luna would have thought that, compared to her quirks which had earned her to be called Loony back at Hogwarts, not feeling any kind of sexual attraction wouldn't have made much of a sensation. She's been mistaken, but she gets the reason, all considered.
Asexuality is to her the answer to questions she's had all her life, the missing piece in her conundrum.
Why, now that we're third years, Annie and Alex won't play Nargle hunts anymore?
Why don't I care if Michael's blue eyes follow me while I'm walking?
Why do the others like to watch the boys' muscles?
I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it.
Why am I different?
Ginny never needed to ask herself these questions; "asexuality" must be for her an abstract word among others which create doubts rather than solving them. It's too much, what she's said to her, and she can't seem to grasp it all. Nevertheless, Luna is glad she's told her.
«I'm not saying I'll never have a relationship» she states, smiling reassuringly. «I like to make bonds. I like hugs, and I didn't dislike the only kiss I ever gave. But, I don't feel the need to have a physical relationship; do you think you can understand that?»
Ginny takes a deep breath; she looks calmer, then. «Maybe not right now» she answers, «but I'm gonna try. I'm sorry, Luna, but it was so out of the blue… I think I'll need to ponder a bit about all that you've told me».
Luna nods. «I understand» she says, and that's all. «How is Harry doing?»
Later
Ginny is shaken, when she's back at home. Luna told her so many weird things… She always did that, as a matter of fact, speaking of Nargles and Wrackspurts and Gulping Plimpies no one else ever saw, but this time it's different. She doesn't really know what to think.
«Gin» Harry calls, appearing from their lounge, Lily in his arms. «Welcome back. How was it, is Luna doing well?»
She absent-mindedly nods. «She enrolled in a Muggle class» she recounts. «You grew up among Muggles» she adds then, following a fleeting thought.
Harry looks at her, taken aback slightly, but he doesn't add to that; Lily is putting her hands on his face and he retreats back into the lounge.
Ginny sighes, wondering if she should ask Harry about Muggle's eccentricities. She puts her bag down in the entrance and heads to the children's room. As she nears it, she hears James's voice; he's speaking higher than normal. She opens the door and immediately notices Albus crying.
«What's happening here?» she inquires, quickly crouching next to Al. She glowers at her firstborn, but he doesn't look bothered.
«He broke my train» Albus cries. He doesn't look at his brother.
Ginny rolls her eyes; she's not been home two minutes and there's trouble already. «Why did you do that, James?» she asks, trying to stay patient.
He snorts. «I was playing» he explains, like it's all there's to say.
«I didn't say you could!» Albus snaps angrily. He wipes off his tears, or tries to do so. «It was mine».
James imitates him. Ginny could've laughed, had the situation been different, but she's tired and she doesn't find it funny at all. «You should put yourself in your brother's shoes» she says instead, stern. «How would you feel if Albus took your flying broom toy and broke it?»
James' grin turns into a grimace. He doesn't say anything, but it's obvious he's pretty annoyed by the mere thought.
«See!» Albus stopped crying, now, and points a finger at his brother feeling victorious. «My shoes» he repeats, happy; Ginny isn't sure he understood the meaning. She gets up.
«You too, Al» she adds, looking him in the eye. «If you asked James to play with his broom, you'd want him to let you use it, wouldn't you now? You should share your toys more. It goes both ways» she states, putting one hand on one shoulder of each child.
She freezes for a second, like her own words hit her.
James and Albus, not so proud anymore, snort before shaking hands to make peace. «I'm sorry for your train» James mumbles. «I'm sorry we didn't play together» Albus murmurs.
Put yourself in the other's shoes.
«What's this miracle?» Harry jokes, laughing on the door; Ginny didn't notice him coming.
«I'm sorry I was this bling» Ginny whispers, ignoring him, talking nor to him nor to the children nor to no one really, but thinking what she's told Luna – every single word. She exits the room, going beyond her husband, only to stop in the middle of the hallway. Luna doesn't have a phone. She can't contact her at once. Right, a phone… pretty useful Muggle invention.
"I think Muggles make simple things way harder than they are", she said only a few hours ago. "Are you sure they didn't mess with your thoughts?" She refrains from banging her head on the wall, thinking back on it now.
Luna confided to her she's always felt different, somehow alien, and she'd finally found an answer. Hearing it's possible to not feel any kind of attraction, that more people feeling the exact same way do exist, must have reassured her a lot. "It means me", she said, but Ginny didn't get it nor put herself in Luna's shoes: she talked about the right person.
She hurries up the stairs to her room, summons some new parchment and one of Harry's pens and starts writing. She's a bit ashamed, but she needs to let Luna know at once that, if she wants to talk, she'll be there.
Even if she can't get what it means to feel that way – not completely.