TW: mentions of self harm, blood.

Little note. The previous chapters take place in November and Early-Mid December 1993. We'll be posting the month/year from now on when necessary.

Chapter 6

Confusion

Mid-December 1993

A month. That's how long it's been since that night. Amelia had recovered from the initial flu and fever later that same week, while her nausea and food aversion, though lessened, had still remained. She had learned how to hide it, hoping to move on and stop burdening her family.

Staring out her bedroom window while sitting cross legged on her bed, Amelia felt so incredibly lost. It felt like she didn't belong anywhere anymore, and she didn't know what to do about it.

She knew she couldn't stay here with Addison and her brother forever, and obviously none of her sisters wanted anything to do with her. She ruled Mark out as well; he'd made himself pretty clear when she'd shown up there on the night that started all of this. There was no one in her life that she hadn't already disappointed, and she realized how purposeless her life felt.

Most days, Amelia was home by herself while Derek and Addison had school. She didn't have school anymore. Only normal kids went to school, and she wasn't like them.

She stayed in her room all day long, dark thoughts growing louder in her head as she sat quietly, waiting for someone to come home and tell her what to do next.

She watched small fluttering snowflakes begin to fall gently from the night sky, and she recalled that Christmas would be here next week. She felt her heart clench, realizing it would be the first Christmas she wouldn't wake up at home, she wouldn't be with her mom. She actually had no idea how she'd be spending the holiday, she assumed she'd be waking up at her brother's on Christmas Day.

She didn't really like Christmases to begin with, but the thought of breaking her lifelong tradition still made her surprisingly sad. She knew this was supposed to be a magical time of year but it never was. Even though her siblings, well her brothers, and mom tried their best growing up, occasions like her birthday and Christmas were often a let down for her. She hated December. Everything about it sucked.

She suddenly threw a textbook at the wall, crying out in rage and frustration. She felt like she couldn't breathe and all of the walls were closing in around her. She didn't want to do this anymore.

She fell forward on her hands and knees and gasped for breath, sobs erupting between sharp inhales, cheeks plastered with tears. A glint of something shiny caught her eye from her desk; scissors, she realized. She crawled over, picking them up and staring at them in her hands. She couldn't possibly, could she?

She shakily put them down, backing away. She couldn't. If she did, she'd ruin any chance she had at getting back into her brother's good graces. He was so hot and cold with her she could barely stand it, but she also wanted more than anything to earn his love and approval back.

She made sure to put the scissors away in the back of her drawer, and then resumed sitting around for another few hours, bored out of her mind with a head filled with terrible thoughts that she couldn't shake.

She needed a break, she needed to get out of there. She fully intended on coming back in a day or two, but right now she needed to go somewhere where she wouldn't be a problem for anyone. Almost as if she was on autopilot she quickly packed her bag leaving a note mostly for Addison. Grabbing the cash Addison left for her, that she'd been saving up the last few days, she made her way out the front door and into the city.

Amelia wandered aimlessly for a while before growing tired from walking, and deciding to hop on a train and ride for a bit. She hadn't realized where she was going until she exited at the last stop and took in her surroundings. She was in the Hamptons. She'd been here once before with Derek and Addison. She knew she should turn around and go back home but the voice in her head wouldn't let her. Hailing a cab, she rattled off the address to Addison's summer house, which now was in Derek's name as well. A little wedding present from the Montgomery estate. Amelia knew where the hidden key was hidden, remembering her sister-in-law grabbing it when they had visited a few summers ago.

Hours later as she sat in the cold, dark house, she realized she should have actually planned ahead. It was December and rarely did the couple make it out here during the school year, so of course the heat wasn't turned on and there wasn't any food in the house.

Amelia reasoned that being cold, hungry and alone was probably a fitting punishment. She had just ruined everyone's lives afterall, so being here alone in the cold was better than continuing to burden her family and cause them pain. If she was here, Addison and Derek wouldn't fight over her nightly, and her Mom could maybe find some peace without her problem child dragging her down. They could erase her existence and move on and be happy, she thought, smiling wistfully.

Her three sisters were creating great lives and futures for themselves, one of which seemed to include her other brother figure, Mark. Mark had always been a safety net for her when her blood relatives made her feel like an outsider, but he wouldn't have time for her anymore if the rumor she'd heard was true. Apparently he'd screwed her sister Lizzie, the lesser of the three evil sisters, and they'd skipped the birth control/condom part of the equation. Now Lizzie was pregnant with his kid and Mark finally had it. He was now permanently tied to the family he had always wished was his, and soon he would have a perfect family of his own. There was no room for Amelia in that scenario either.

Shivering and hugging her knit sweater tighter around her, Amelia made her way down the hall to the guest bedroom and curled up on the duvet as hot tears streamed down her cold cheeks.

She wasn't sure if she had ever felt so impossibly sad in her entire life, and she couldn't help but let her mind consider the possibility of ending everyone's suffering, including her own. She considered that she should have used the scissors earlier in her room, but quickly dismissed the thought. She couldn't do that to Addison who was the sweetest person she knew. Her sister-in-law shouldn't have to clean up anymore of Amelia's messes.

Curling into a ball she clutched tightly to the sweater her mother had knit for her years before, eventually crying herself to sleep.

Back at home Addison called everyone frantically when she read the note. She re-read it twice more before she could truly comprehend the fact that Amelia had run away.

God, how could she have been so blind? Addison had gone on living her life with the assumption that everything was going fine with the teenager. She had planned to sit down with Amelia tonight and really talk to her; figure out what the teen wanted, and try her best to understand what she needed. Unfortunately, Addison had waited too long, and now she feared the worst.

"Where are you Amy? Come home please. We want you here with us, and we love you so much." She spoke out loud to the dead silence. "I wish you could see that…"

"Addie? Amy?" Derek called frantically, running into the house, looking for his wife and baby sister. Mark and Lizzie were hot on his heels, having also received a call from Addison.

"Derek?" Addison asked, seeing her husband appear right in front of her.

The second he touched her she fell into his arms crying. She was well and truly an emotional mess. "I thought she was doing better. What happened? What did we do wrong?" She cried.

Derek just held her unable to say anything. He was just as devastated as her. "Where could she have gone? She had a hundred bucks tops. She couldn't have gotten far could she?" He asked, turning towards Mark and Lizzie.

"She could've." Lizzie said quietly, feeling incredibly guilty.

"She has a metrocard. I've been buying her an unlimited monthly pass since July. She thinks it's coming from mom. I've treated her so horribly I didn't think she'd accept it if it was from me. But I thought she was old enough to have one, and maybe use it to visit mom, or us. Maybe it was a mistake..." Lizzie admitted sadly. She so badly wanted to repair her relationship with her baby sister and the thought of it being too late hurt deeply.

"No, it's not your fault. She chose to run away. I know her better than anyone and she clearly doesn't want to change. It seems like all she wants is for everyone to pity her." Derek stated, using familiar anger to cover up his own fear and sadness.

"Derek, how can you say that?" Addison asked in disgust, stepping back from her husband and creating a noticeable gap.

"She is a child. A 14 year old is still a child. She is a young girl that has been failed by all of us, inadvertently or otherwise. She is still a minor and a dependent, and she deserves to be cared for like one, not judged and held to the same standards as a self-sufficient adult. She needs stable adult figures in her life, and I am committed to being one of them. You're either in it with her through thick and thin, or you need to keep your distance." She shook her head.

"I swear to god, Derek." She continued, pointing her finger right in his face.

"When she comes home, if you can't change your tune and start acting like the smart, kind, and level-headed man I married, I will leave you. It's the last thing I want Derek, but someone has to give a damn about this girl. At the rate she's going she'll be dead before she's 16. Today, it feels like it will be a small miracle if she makes it to her 15th." She was tired of keeping her mouth shut.

The four of them sat in silence for hours. It felt like there was nothing they could do since the police wouldn't report Amelia missing for 24 hours, and they had no other ideas for where to look for her. Nobody wanted to move or talk for fear they'd miss something. All of them listening for the ring of a phone, or the front door opening and the teen walking in like nothing was wrong.

Suddenly the phone rang, scaring them all. Addison, the closest to the phone, was going to simply silence the ring and just let it go to the answering machine, when she saw the caller ID and her instincts told her to answer. It was strange for the HOA office in the Hamptons to be calling the brownstone to reach her, especially at this time of year.

"Shepherd Residence." She answered, wondering why she had a bad feeling.

"Yes, hi. Is this the residence of Addison and Derek Shepherd? Owners of the house at 156 Green Lane, East Hamptons New York?"

"Yes, that's us." She confirmed nervously.

"We are calling to alert you that there may have been a break in at your property, Mrs. Shepherd. It looks like one of the windows on the ground floor has been smashed in. It's probably just some kids getting into trouble, but we have reported the incident and we are having someone sent out tonight for repairs. The police advised us to inform you so that you can come look at it yourself and check for any damages or missing property for their report." Addison sighed in relief. It wasn't the phone call she had wanted but she was thankful it wasn't anything bad.

"Derek? You need to drive out to the Hamptons." She ordered calmly. By default it had to be him as the other owner. "Someone broke a window. Can you go check on the damages and see if anything is missing, please? Because quite honestly I need you out of my face before I actually go through with a separation. It will be good for us to have some space for a night. Check on the place, maybe sleep out there or crash in a hotel or something and come home in the morning. If Amy shows up I'll call the HOA and leave a message, or I'll try the house."

Not having the energy to fight he agreed, biting his tongue to keep from mentioning her plan to have him freeze to death in their unheated summer home, and setting out on his nearly 3 hour drive.

End Chapter

Song Title: Confusion-Electric Light Orchestra