A/N: small error in previous chapters, the year had been listed as 1993, when it's actually 1995.

Chapter Nine

What Do the Lonely Do at Christmas

December 25th 1995 - Christmas Day

Before anyone could blink, Christmas was at their doorstep and following tradition they headed over to the Shepherd family home for Carolyn's annual brunch.

Amelia was overwhelmed with nerves and anxiety at the prospect of seeing her mom for the first time since she had been released from the hospital to go home with her brother and sister in law.

She remembered vividly the defeated and pained expression on her mother's face when it had been explained that social services thought it would be better if Amelia didn't live at home for a bit.

Amelia herself felt confused, scared, and ultimately guilty; she knew she had put herself into this position and would have to deal with it, but it was the collateral damage to her family that devastated her most. Getting a break from her mom was what she had wanted, until she actually got it.

She wasn't really sure what she had been expecting upon arriving at her childhood home, but she certainly wasn't expecting her mother to barrel past Addison and Derek and immediately wrap her arms around her, holding her close and squeezing her tight.

"Oh, my baby, I've missed you. You look better than the last time I saw you; healthier, and happier too, I hope?" Her mother observed, pulling back to cradle Amelia's face in her hands and stare at her lovingly.

Amelia sniffled and diverted her eyes to the floor, feeling a lump form in her throat as she came to terms with the true depth of her mother's love for her.

"I'm so sorry, mom. I know I've been a terrible daughter, and person, but I am doing better. I want to be better so I can come home again." She said quietly, still confused and upset about the whole arrangement.

To make matters worse, she couldn't seem to get a grip on her emotions lately. Jo had been calling her a 'hot mess' all week. It was a joke of course, but truthfully it felt like an accurate description of her mood as of late.

"Hush now. It's Christmas and you are here with me now. No more tears today little one, okay?" Her mother soothed, gently tilting her chin up to meet her eyes.

Her thoughts were still running wild as she wiped away her tears, hoping nobody else - particularly her sisters - had seen them.

She wasn't sure if she was even allowed to be there. Was she breaking a rule? Would her social worker find out and take her to foster care once and for all? On top of that, she knew not everyone wanted her there to begin with, and she had a feeling that would be made very clear the second Nancy and Kathleen showed up.

By the time 2 o'clock rolled around Amelia was emotionally exhausted and at her limit. She quietly slipped away from the crowded home, hoping the babies would attempt to follow her. She didn't want to make a scene and knew that if she was spotted leaving she'd get an earful.

Grabbing her coat she slipped out the backdoor, making her way towards the familiar comfort of the family treehouse. She knew she was far too old for it but it felt like the only place she could escape to without running away. She had promised she wouldn't do that anymore, and she was working hard to keep her promises these days.

She climbed up the ladder with practiced ease, sitting cross legged on the worn floorboards and wrapping her coat around herself tightly. The tears fell without warning, and for the first time that day she allowed them to.

The stark reality of her current situation had never felt more apparent than it did right now on Christmas Day. It was almost like she had blocked out the full truth until today when she was forced to face it head on.

She was completely surrounded by people, by family, and yet she couldn't recall ever having felt as isolated and alone as she did today.

She longed for the easy comfort of a friend and couldn't help but wish that Jo could be there with her today. At least then she would have someone to talk to.

Addison, Derek and Mark all got along with her sisters, so they were wrapped up in their own adult conversations. In the past, Amelia would've spent her day playing with her nephews or when she was younger, by herself in her room, but she wouldn't allow herself to any longer, no matter how much they begged.

Nancy and Kathleen had made their feelings of distrust and disappointment towards her very clear, and she knew they were watching her like hawks. It was obvious they no longer trusted her around their children, and she was not about to willingly set herself up for their wrath.

She zoned out for a while, losing herself in her thoughts until a deep voice broke through her trance.

"Hey kiddo, whatcha doing out here all by yourself?" Mark asked, carefully climbing into the old structure and taking a seat by her side.

She just sniffled and quickly wiped her wet cheeks, curling up tighter into her jacket and avoiding his eyes.

"I'm okay, I'm fine. You should go back inside and have fun with everyone. You don't have to babysit me, I won't run away again." She mumbled, nervously picking at her cuticles.

Mark shook his head and sighed sadly, wishing she could see how much they all truly loved her. Yes all of them, even Nancy and Kathleen, who were quite possibly the real life incarnations of Cinderella's wicked step sisters. He had been around long enough to have witnessed a very different dynamic between the oldest sisters and their youngest sibling.

This was a topic that had come up recently with Lizzie, who had disclosed her own desire to repair her relationship with Amelia. She had confirmed his suspicion about her older sisters, agreeing that buried underneath their resentment and judgment, deep down they loved their baby sister more than they were prepared to admit.

He found himself recalling that recent conversation as he sat in comfortable silence next to Amelia.

Flashback - 2 weeks earlier

'It's hard to love somebody like Amelia, Mark. It's easier to walk away, to find reasons to keep her at arms-length and avoid the pain of the storm. It isn't fair, and it's not right, but it's how Nancy and Kate have chosen to cope. The truth is, as long as they focus only on her mistakes and failures, it means they don't have to face their own.' Lizzie paused, playing with the sleeve of Mark's sweatshirt before raising her head to meet his eyes.

"You want to know how I know?" She asked softly, a single tear slipping down her cheek.

Mark squeezed her hand in support.

"I know because for years now, I have been guilty of doing the exact same thing to her." She croaked, shaking her head in exasperation. "If I could go back and change things I would, but I can't. All I can do is change things now; start being her big sister now."

Amelia coughed softly, bringing Mark back to the present.

"Talk to me kiddo, what's going on in that head? Why are you out here all alone in the cold on Christmas Day?" He asked her, lowering his head in an attempt to meet her eyes. When she didn't respond he continued.

"Dinner is almost ready and mom made your favorite mac and cheese, I know you don't want to let those kids eat it all before you get any! Plus, you know we will have to watch that stupid Santa Clause movie again, and I struggle to get through it when you aren't by my side helping me make fun of it." He grinned, bumping his shoulder into hers.

She laughed a little, the smile not reaching her eyes like it normally did when she was happy.

"I don't feel welcome here anymore, with everyone. I'm confused about this new situation with my mom, and I'm scared to even speak in there because I don't want to say the wrong thing and start something. Kathleen keeps giving me this side eye glare like she wants to tell me off; it feels like she is just waiting for me to give her a reason." She admitted, ever so slightly leaning her shoulder back into his and maintaining gentle contact.

"Most of all, I'm just lonely all of the time. It doesn't matter if I'm surrounded by people in there, or out here by myself; it's all the same. But out here in the cold it feels better; out here I'm numb." She trailed off, sighing softly as she felt Mark wrap a warm arm around her small shoulders and ease her into his broad chest. His comforting embrace was all it took for her fragile resolve to crumble, tears flowing freely as she confided in the man she considered her second brother.

"I don't even understand if I am allowed to be here and be around mom. Are we breaking another rule without realizing it and making things worse? If I am allowed to be here, where is the line? Can I go into my room, or sleep over here if I wanted to?" She cried, sharing her uncertainties.

"I know Addie and Derek explained some of the rules to me, but I still don't really understand everything, which makes me feel stupid. I am so angry at myself because I thought I would be happier with them, and I guess I am, but being here makes me miss my mom so much." She sobbed, covering her face with her hands in shame. "I feel so guilty for everything I have done to my family, and I - I don't even understand what I am doing or why anymore." She hiccuped, letting out another throaty sob.

"I don't belong here, it doesn't feel right and it would be better if I'm not here. Please take me back to Derek's, please!" She begged desperately, her eyes wide and childlike as the tears streamed down her face.

Mark sighed, unsure of what to do. This was supposed to be a family day but Amelia was fragile right now and he didn't want her to become even more upset, especially on Christmas. Ultimately, he decided to turn to a familiar option for help, the same person he had turned to the night NYC police had delivered Amelia to his doorstep.

"I'm going to go talk to Addie about taking you home, and while that gets sorted out I'm grabbing you some food and hot chocolate. If you are going to camp out up here and refuse to come in for dinner, dinner will come to you. No arguments, short stack." Mark finished with a smirk. Before climbing down the ladder, he shrugged off his grey pea coat and draped it around Amelia's shoulders, kissing the top of her head.

A few minutes later, Addison is carefully climbing into the treehouse after ditching her heels on the grass below. Amelia's lip trembled again at the sight of her, and Addison immediately took her into her arms, soothing her and rubbing her back.

"Oh Amy, I am so sorry. I didn't even realize that no one actually explained all of this to you. It must be very overwhelming and confusing, huh?" Addison surmised correctly.

"You can see your mom whenever you want to, okay? Technically you just need to have another approved adult present as well when that happens. If you ever want to spend a night here we can figure it out together. I don't know how long these rules are going to be in place for, but we will figure all of that out soon." Addison promised, holding the sad girl to her chest as she cried. She was heartbroken that she couldn't fix her sadness.

"Can I go home please?" Amelia croaked weakly. "I know you guys are trying, and mom is trying, but this doesn't feel like home right now. Please let me go. I'll go straight there and call you when I'm home. I won't leave the house or do anything stupid, I'd rather just go to bed. I'm so tired..." She pleaded, squeezing her eyes shut to prevent more tears.

Addison looked at Mark, who had just returned with a plate of food, wondering what to do.

"I guess just let her go. She's miserable, Addie." He said with a resigned shrug.

After considering things for a few seconds she agreed, but rather than letting her go off by herself, Addison wrapped up plates for them both and said a hasty goodbye to Derek. She promised her husband that Mark would explain, and also give him a lift home later on.

Minutes later she was slipping back outside and joining Amelia in the car to drive back to the brownstone.

December 30th 1995

Amelia's birthday

Christmas had rolled quickly into December 30th, which was Amelia's fifteenth birthday. Normally the family tried to make a big effort to make it special. For one thing, the timing sucked for a lot of reasons, especially for a kid who was very aware of "combined" birthday and Christmas presents.

This year however, nobody felt like celebrating for obvious reasons, most of all Amelia. Addison had taken Amelia and her new friend Jo on a shopping trip to the mall, and they would cap off the day with a small celebratory dinner at home that night.

Addison had been determined to get both girls new clothes that actually fit them. She hated the way everything hung off the younger of the two girls, and had noticed a similar trend with her sister.

She knew Amelia's new friend didn't have much money and she assumed the clothes she wore were hand me downs, so she hoped her parents wouldn't be upset or feel embarrassed about the new outfits she has purchased for her. As for Amelia, she had dropped significant weight due to the domino effect of her recovery from addiction, illness, and the lingering depression and anxiety that came with her current situation.

The actual celebration that evening had been intimate, consisting of Addison, Derek, Carolyn, and Mark, along with the addition of Jo and her parents.

She had received a few dozen cds from Mark, who knew she loved music as much as he did. Derek had managed to find a box set of the Babysitters Club books, Jo and her parents, who everyone later learned were her foster parents, had given her a modest gift card to the mall seeing as they didn't know her well, and Addison had gifted her her first real pair of high heels. She tried to refuse as Addison had bought her so much today already, but the woman had insisted, letting her know she purchased a matching pair for herself.

As Carolyn was leaving she pulled her baby into a hug, pressing a few soft kisses to her temple. "I had Mark come over this week and help pack up your CDs, I thought you might want them here with you. I love you, my not so little, little one." She said sweetly. "Be good, I'll see you soon okay?"

Amelia nodded, trying to hold back her tears and be brave. She didn't want her mom to go, and she wondered if she had done something wrong again.

"Mommy?" She said tentatively, unable to stop herself from addressing her anxious thoughts. "If you didn't get me a birthday gift this year because of how I acted, that's okay. I understand, and I'm really sorry for everything…"

"Amelia Shepherd, what in the world? What makes you think I wouldn't get you a gift?" Carolyn asked, confused and realizing that she may have screwed up worse than she thought when it came to her daughter's trust. Sighing sadly she reached into her pocket.

"I was going to wait and give this to you when I had you alone." She said gently, handing her daughter a delicate necklace with her name inscribed on the small pendant. "It isn't much and it most certainly isn't real gold, but I hope you will enjoy it all the same." Amelia stared at the necklace for a moment sniffling.

She looked up finally and launched herself at her mom, hugging her tight. "I love it! I don't care if it isn't real gold. I don't need fancy things or lots of money. I just-I just want you to care and love me." She whispered looking down.

"Amy, I will always love you. I have loved you from the moment you became a reality and kicked in my belly the first time. I have never stopped, and I never will. I'm sorry about so many things, I wish I could erase the past, but all I can do is be better now. I will do everything in my power to get you home soon, as long as that's what you want." She kissed her daughter's forehead again before making her way towards the door.

"Amelia? You deserved and still do deserve better from me. I'm sorry that it took me 10 years to figure that out." With that Carolyn Shepherd let herself out leaving her teenage daughter alone with her thoughts.

Jo found her a few minutes later standing in the foyer. "Hey Ames! My parents said I could stay over tonight, so how about we go watch the babysitters club for the millionth time?" Her friend proposed with a grin.

Amelia quickly snapped back to reality, noticing Mark, and Jo's parents had also left.

"Yeah, okay, let's go get our pjs on." She agreed, smiling back at her. "Wait, first can you help me put this on? It's a birthday present from my mom." Amelia said, blushing slightly.

Jo nodded happily, carefully grabbing the necklace and clasping it around Amelia's neck. The two head up the stairs to go change and get ready for a night of movie marathons and eating junk food.

End Chapter

Song Title: What Do the Lonely Do at Christmas-The Emotions