Disclaimer: Not mine. Using them just for fun. No beta. All mistakes are my own.
Notes: Threads..I know. Been done to death. But, I started this years ago and ran into major writer's block. I recently found the inspiration to finish and feel compelled to just put it out there. This is my take. Post Jacob's death but pre MN trip. A lot happened during that last commercial break. Days, in fact. Four chapters in all. First three are quite tame despite a few choice words. Earns its rating in the fourth. Didn't want to tease anyone.
Her pace was purposeful yet slow. She was able to take in the halls she so frequented with the haste of emergency. She'd been in the damned dress heels all day so she was more than happy to amble along. With the route burned into the back of her skull she was also able to run on autopilot, letting her mind wander as she went. The day, the week, the future all buzzed through her head leaving contrails in her mind's sky. It had been overwhelming at times. Even for a seasoned soldier such as herself. There was only so much she could compartmentalize. Only so much a human heart could take.
She felt it. The void. It would hit like a staff blast to the chest. In times such as this. She felt it in the quiet of the night, in the solitude of the shower, or the drive to the base. Her mind was not sufficiently distracted to ward it off. She couldn't stop it, not even if she tried. Not even if she wanted to. For she knew that grief couldn't be circumvented. You had to drive straight through.
The vast chasm of space that one person could inhabit in another's heart was a surreal thing. What happens to that space when the living become the dead? Just how would she fill the space left by her father? It seemed an insurmountable task. It would have to be something big. Something risky. Legendary even. Jacob was a special man.
So long ago she'd filled her mother's void with determination. Sure, she'd joined the Air Force because of her dad but she'd like to attribute her level of success in her career field to her mother. Grief can tear you apart or force you to steel your resolve. She was never more glad to have chosen the latter. She could do it again. She had no doubts in her perseverance, however the aim this time around seemed to choose her. Questions loomed on her mind the last couple days. Was this the right path? Could she seek this with a clear conscience? Was she honoring her father's last wishes? Could she trust the galaxy to cooperate long enough to see this through? It was all so precarious. Through the haze of grief she'd managed to formulate the beginnings of a plan.
Ascending the spiral staircase to the briefing room brought her back to the mission at hand. She was careful to tread lightly. She chose this particular entry as a tactical advantage. Kept her eye out for the first signs of the star map window and the tell tale lights that would announce his presence. Sure enough, it seemed as though he was still there. Thankful for the moment of pause the closed door afforded. She bothered to straighten her skirt, button her jacket and tuck a few golden tendrils behind her ear. She was better dressed and more prepared than the last time she made this trek. Glad for a jacket as opposed to the black shirt. Just to double check, she briefly reached into her interior breast pocket, her wild card was tucked in safely. The only thing left to do was to reach out.
The knock was so light he almost didn't catch it, consumed with thoughts of the day. A quick glance to the clock piqued his curiosity. His mind ran through the handful of people who would need him this late. What now? He had personally walked out all the higher ups hours ago. His day was done. No unscheduled off world activation, no replicators, no Anubis, and no self-destruct...thank god!
An even quicker glance back at his blue jacket laying over the side chair. Should he make the effort to get it? He'd shucked it an hour ago with the hopes of not being disturbed by more than his thoughts. In lieu of his complete professional attire he let his black shoes fall from the corner of the desk and snugged the knot of his tie.
"Come." He said in an authoritative voice befitting a general.
Seconds later a familiar face peeked out from behind the door to his left. He relaxed back into his chair. His demeanor improved significantly.
"Hi, Sir. Busy?" She said with a tentative voice, stepping into the office a little more.
"Carter…you still here.'' Not a question, exactly. More of a sympathetic statement of fact. Definitely not an answer to her question.
"Yes. Sir." Her body language seemed hesitant but the light in her eyes said she was intent on her purpose. He waited for more. None followed. Despite holding her eye contact, which usually spoke volumes, he gleaned nothing of immediate importance. He would need the words however, if he could do anything to help. After a few beats he raised a grey eyebrow with a suggestive tilt of his head.
She finally came out with a rushed "Permission to sit, sir?"
He could usually read her like a book and the nervous vibes were coming off in waves. He just didn't know why. Getting comfortable might allow her to get to it already. He acquiesced out of concern. Given the day's events. His reply was a hand gesture to the nearest chair. "Sit a spell…take a load off." His trademark, flippant tone. This really didn't feel like the time for it but just maybe some normalcy would set her at ease. His eyes traveled back to see she'd made progress with the door clicking shut but hesitated again. While thinking of a fitting end to his statement he gestured towards the chairs located in front of his desk with both hands this time and finished earnestly with, "Make yourself at home." She was one of the few on base that would ever be graced with just such an offer.
It did the trick. She released the knob and walked towards the preferred seat. Her internal war seemed to ease up once off her feet. An audible sigh could be heard across the office. He leaned back into the leather of his seat to wait out whatever she'd come here for.
"Permission to speak freely, Sir?" She started with a curious look. He could only counter with another raised eyebrow. She felt compelled to add. "It's been a helluva day."
"Yes, Carter. It has." He allowed the stress of it all to show on his face for a brief moment. "Helluva week, I'd say." Leaned forward as he drug his hands along his cheeks to figuratively wipe away said stress to greet her with a small smile. She returned it in kind. "How'd you know I was still up here?" He followed up with a gleam in his eye.
A cheeky grin showed before she could respond. "Sir, sorry to inform you but it's a well known secret that you hide out here from time to time." She paused, deciding whether or not to continue. "I saw the light on and chanced you'd be available. I have no intention of giving up your location, Sir."
"Yeah, well, let's keep it that way OK?" He leaned forward to rest his elbows on the desk between them and gave her the best sardonic expression he could muster. "I may be in my office but I'm officially done for today."
"Secret's safe with me, Sir." She took a moment to look around the office. Glad for the small distraction. A couple of boxes in the corner, some random electronic equipment on top of the otherwise neatly decorated shelf, his plaques and certificates from exemplary service over the years adorning the walls. A few new things he'd added to the stuff brought from his old office. The one she'd declined to inhabit once he'd vacated. Even as the leader of SG-1 she much preferred her lab. She never felt right about taking over his old office. It would always be his space. She glanced back in his direction. Even though he'd grown into his new role easily, he still looked a bit uncomfortable in that chair. A reminder of how much he's always preferred field work over flying a desk. She longed for the time when they walked side by side into unknown lands. The pang in her heart from that fact led her to lighten the mood a bit. "Sir, paperwork aside, dare I say you frequent this office more than the one you had as The Colonel?" A certain lightness shone in her eyes that hadn't been there in some time. She was trying.
"Turns out Generals have to be accessible to more than just a select few." He was hoping Carter would infer that she was at the top of that short list.
"By that you mean hiding out in other people's labs to avoid responsibility, Sir?" Carter's eyes shone with mirth. He couldn't help but stare at her and enjoy the bit of rare levity.
"You come here just to bust my chops Carter?" He says a little exasperated. Trying to keep the smile from his face.
"No, Sir. Quite the opposite in fact." She quickly replies with her hands in a knot and her tongue in her cheek.
"That so?" He let the mock disbelief show through.
"I want to say thank you for putting together the service for my Dad here this morning. I know you didn't have to go through this much trouble." The look of intense appreciation shone in those blue eyes. He could not look away. Even as she continued.
"I'm happy we got to celebrate his life with so many of the people he spent time with these past years. Our allies and his off-world friends." With a slight shrug of her shoulders she added on a little grin.
"Yes, well, Thor showing up in Virginia would raise some eyebrows." He complimented his words with a raise of his own brows. It had the desired effect of turning her grin into a toothy smile. Seeing her happy, if only for a little bit, was worth all the strings that had to be pulled.
"You know we're due at Arlington on Thursday." She said in a resigned tone.
"That I do." He replied with a nod. "I wouldn't miss it." The 'for the world' part always got left off these days. It seemed so cliche now. Not right to make such a promise when in reality it could come right down to just that. Was it not just mere days ago that the replicators attempted to wipe out their existence? Yet, the day was saved. By none other than the lovely vision before him and Dad.
"And, don't mention it Carter. The military knew how valuable he was." Simply said. He had no desire to wax-poetic. It seemed redundant. For the woman before him was the real expert on Jacob Carter. It shone in her eyes, it pulled him in. Yet, it seemed she was asking him for more. He came up with the only other fact with which they could all agree. "He was a good man."
"He really was. I'm going to miss him." She said the last line with the tears brimming.
Tears. He wasn't sure how well he would do with more tears today. He'd reached his limit. It had been a rough couple of days since Jacob's death. He laid both hands on the ledger. Focus. He had to do something. When a risky idea came to mind he looked back up at her. Her head still bent low, fighting back her grief.
"Listen, I've got just the thing." He spun his chair to face the storage behind his desk. He could give her a minute. "Now, I don't do this for all my Colonel's. If you tell anyone about this I'll be forced to ship you off to P3X-….112." The last three numbers came with a wave of his hand in the air. Not sure, off the top of his head, just where he'd be sending her. "See, there were so many drawers back here and I didn't know what to fill them all with but I stashed this for just such an occasion." He continued to pull open random drawer's until he hit the right one with an "Ah-ha."
Out came a half empty bottle of old, Irish whiskey. Mental note for next time it was the bottom drawer, right corner. He nudged it shut with a shiny black shoe. He spun in his chair to bring it back to his desk with two matching tumblers in his dexterous hands. "Just what the doctor ordered."
That got a quick laugh. A small smile to boot, if a bit rueful. It seemed to help her get the nerve to speak again. Steadier now. "Somehow I'm not sure Janet would approve." Funny how funerals always seem to remind you of the others missing from the equation already.
"On the contrary, she was your friend and a good Irish lass to boot. On a day like today, she'd have grabbed one for herself." He made himself busy preparing the drinks. A quick splash to each tumbler and a squeak to secure the cap back on the bottle. Quick work for nimble fingers. He lifted one across the desk for her to take and said questioningly. "Cheers?"
"To Dad." She managed. With her glass raised long enough to hear his reply before downing it.
"To Dad." He mirrored her movements and took it all in one go.
They sputtered a bit. The smooth burn from the drink was a strange sensation to be indulging in his office of all places. Yet, for them both it felt like an absolution of sorts. She returned the empty glass to the desktop with no indication for more. At this late hour he wasn't likely to make it much past his base quarters anyway so he poured himself another finger or two. Just as he was about to recap he thought better of it and added a splash to her glass as well.
"You staying on base tonight?" He didn't meet her eyes as he slid the refreshed glass her way. Not really expecting an answer and none of his business really. But between the day and the drink, not a good combo to drive with so he felt the implication was worth mentioning. Yet he wasn't sure she was even really listening.
"It's strange. Even though Dad hasn't lived on Earth for some time I feel like there isn't anywhere I belong. I'm an orphan." She laid her head back against the chair for a spell. "I know the gate address but where is home now, exactly?" She was clearly thinking out loud. He let her contemplate.
He felt his mission was accomplished at least in that she had clearly relaxed. She looked comfortable enough with her legs extended and crossed at the ankle as well as her left arm spread over the back of the next chair over. He tried not to notice when she absentmindedly rubbed the metal star on his jacket. He utterly failed to stop himself. Yep, he was definitely staring, transfixed by her hand on his jacket. Six feet away. Not that she noticed, still very much lost in thought. Her continued stream of consciousness brought him back to attention.
"You'd think that my Mom's death would've prepared me for this. It's been so long. You just don't think about your own mortality with any legitimacy when you're that young. This time, it's different." With that she lifted her head back up to look him dead in the eye. "It's just me now." With a shrug of her shoulders she reached for the proffered glass and sipped it. Curled it to her chest as she reveled in the burn that made her feel alive.
His mind raced through all the possible platitudes that he could offer. They all fell flat. Nothing sounded good, nothing helped, and nothing took the pain away. He would know. He wished he had more to offer. He supposed the truth may be the obvious choice here. He raised his otherwise untouched glass to her.
"Same here, Carter." He didn't want to make any of this about him or his situation. But he knew as well as anyone that having people in your corner makes a difference. Especially people who understand your exact situation.
"Yes'sir." She replied with a smirk. Another sip. They stared at each other over their respective glasses. Saying nothing, yet so much. Some time passed before anyone spoke. He was surprised and a little confused when out of nowhere with a question.
"You? Alone, huh?" Her expression was guarded this time. Unreadable.
He wasn't anticipating that last comment. Did she mean what I think? He tilted his head to the side to accentuate the squint his eyes had taken on. What did she know? What did he miss? Her slip of professional address missed him entirely while he considered her enigma of a question. Never one to show his hand he decided to call her bluff. He replied with a very non committal "Yep."
He watched the indecision run across her face. She was clearly mulling something over. He wondered just what she was up to. She didn't usually play this kind of game with him. He wouldn't push, however, it was all too conflicting. As much as he'd like to order it out of her at the same time he wasn't sure he wanted to know.
"Ugh, Kerry cornered me after the service." She admitted. Her fingers became fidgety all of the sudden. If there had been a label on that glass, she'd have peeled it. She paused. Maybe to gather her thoughts. Maybe to drive him a little crazy. He couldn't tell which.
"Oh?" He couldn't meet her eyes for some reason. Guilt? Shame? Hurt? All of the above?
"Yeah, she shook my hand and gave her condolences. The whole bit." Another quick sip. Gaining the courage to forge on. "But then she felt it necessary to inform me about your, ugh, lack of relationship at this point. Also her thoughts on ours and that I needed to make the first move. She thinks, and I quote, you're 'too chicken shit to do so.'" She couldn't seem to stop the blush that crept up the front of her collar with that last sentence.
"Does she now?" He was flabbergasted. He rose from his chair to pace a bit. Suddenly feeling quite cornered. That was awfully ballsy of Kerry to say and so too for Carter to repeat. Certainly not Kerry's place to be forcing anyone's hand here. Today of all the days? Kind of a messed up way to go about revenge, if that was her goal. Carter clearly took Kerry's bait and ran with it. Shit. What now? This was not the time or the place for a truth or dare session. Yet, here they were. He turned back to search her face, for what he didn't know.
It took every fiber of her bravery to meet his gaze. Acutely aware of how big a line she just crossed. She was sweating it. Risk was a funny thing. Run through a stargate to brave new worlds? Sure, no big deal. Tell your superior officer how you feel about him? Sheer madness!
His squinting eyes unnerved her. She knew him so well she could tell he was guessing her motive this evening. His outwardly cool exterior was no disguise to her as she knew he was internally having a panic strategy session on how to deal with the bomb she just dropped on him. She made a rash decision to take back control of the conversation. She'd give him more time to think. Stay her execution a bit longer? No need for him to react while riled up. So she sat up straight and changed the subject a bit.
"I really did stop by tonight to say thank you. I stayed because I needed someone to talk to. I seem to keep crying on your shoulder lately." Candor was the only thing that would get that glint from his eye and she'd managed it.
"Carter, I told you I'd be here for you and I am." He slid his palms over his face again. "This is just all so... I didn't expect..." The frustration with this all coming up now was evident. "She was out of line. I'm sorry." He busied his idle hands with pretending to arrange things on the shelf all while muttering expletives regarding the CIA under his breath.
"Honestly, it was a lot to take in. Given the day. But I'm glad she filled me in." She continued with a shrug, talking to his back. Time to rip off another band aid. "I'm guessing someone's managed to tell you about Pete by now?" She had a hard time looking at him.
"Daniel." He said quietly, after a beat. "I didn't want to pry." He too was boring a hole into his shoes. "He likes to meddle." As if she didn't know. Returned from certain death only one day and back to his usual tricks already.
"Seems to be going around." A wry smile greeted him when he looked up at her for a brief moment. She continued with a pleading look in her eyes. "I know I said this in your backyard already but Pete was a mistake. The whole thing."
"Carter, you don't have to explain it to me." He clearly wanted to stop her on that train of thought. It still stung, she knew. She keenly understood what betrayal Jack was feeling once Kerry stepped out from that back patio door. Only she'd dragged Pete under his nose for a lot longer and much more involved. The shame of that would take time to heal for sure. But, if you're going through hell, keep on going. No matter the outcome, she'd say her piece.
"I do, I need to explain it to you." Her beseeching gaze held him hostage. "Turns out when you care about your commanding officer much more than you're supposed to, that leaves little room for anyone else. I doomed us both by asking you to keep this locked in a room all those years ago."
She said it. Out loud. No interruptions. Fuck. His choices were to obfuscate the truth or actually deal with the elephant in the SGC. Suddenly, he needed to be busy. His brain was short circuiting. He attempted to arrange the multitude of papers and official folders on his desk to some logical organization. While being so absorbed in his faux cleaning, he was oblivious to her moves till he realized that she was actually sitting *on his desk*, within a very close proximity. He'd totally missed her sliding the red phone back to make just enough room on the corner for her to perch. Letting go of the folder flattened by her thigh he slowly stepped back a bit. Only enough to regain some much needed perspective. The invasion of his personal space was usually a bit awkward, but it was Carter doing the invading this time which made it even more so. Damn if he'd let her know it though.
"Carter?" He calmly questioned with the raising of a scarred, silver eyebrow. "Whatcha doin'?"