She looked like she was about to lose her nerve. Like if he poked her shoulder she'd be off the desk and out the door at the speed of light. He was half tempted but resisted the urge to mess with her. Instinctively knowing this wasn't the time for that kind of banter.
"Jack, before you throw me in the stockade, please just hear me out!" She blurted.
The words rushed out of her mouth so fast it caught him off guard. He knew he couldn't officially give her the okay so he continued to do nothing in hopes she'd put him out of his misery.
With obvious strain of her facial features she continued with all the bluntness she could muster. "I've tried to start this conversation with you so many times I've lost count. I need you to know. I can't do this anymore."
"Uh, can't do what anymore, Carter? Sit in that chair?" Jack replied almost in exasperation. He was never really sure what compelled him to be a bastard sometimes. The lack of control here was a good bet. Being forced into compromising his protection of her. He'd held the line so long it became second nature. He had a feeling this conversation would happen sooner rather than later but...why now? Why here?
"I can't deny my feelings for you," She ignored his last comment and waved her hand to signify the space between their bodies. "We officially have a problem here." She stated while looking straight into his eyes.
Thinking his 2IC had effectively gone out of her genius mind, he straightened and slowly took a seat in his leather chair. He made a steeple of his fingers to prepare for the discussion that was definitely going where he wasn't at all stable enough to go today. She continued before he could even muster up a coherent reply.
"I tried, but I just can't do it. I can't pretend I don't love you." She finished with the release of breath that she had been holding for far too long.
It took every fiber of his being to simultaneously hold back an irritated huff at the 'I tried' comment and shout elation at the 'love you' part. Externally his cool remained. After some thought he replied with his own astute observation.
"Our situation hasn't changed." It was the only rational thing he could say. This conversation already went so far past professional he had to hang onto something.
Sam gazed into his luminous brown eyes to silently plead for him to understand. Seeing nothing but reservation and doubt she decided to just put it all out there. "I want to be with you." She returned, matching his dead calm. She leaned toward him as she spoke to press her point.
"What's changed?" He felt torn; he shouldn't be fighting this, but the need for sensibility was essential. He got back out of the chair to pace again. He needed some space. Jack knew that the doors he kept his feelings locked behind wouldn't be so easily closed a second time. This wasn't something that he could just sample, could just take for a test drive and return it safe and sound. One taste of Samantha Carter and she would be his, without end, Amen.
"Life is too short? Carpe Diem?" She was struggling now given his resistance. Her confidence wavering.
"So this is because of your Dad passing? Or are you taking orders from Kerry now?" He paused with a wince, immediately regretting his words, knowing it was crass. He felt compelled to clear that up. "Sometimes grief makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. I would know. I really don't think you should be making any big changes right now Carter." He continued to pace.
"We've seen more than our fair share of death and loss for some time now. I don't want to look back and regret not taking the things that I want. The things I need." She paused to catch her breath. She made a point to wait till his eyes met hers again before continuing. She could see how he struggled to contain the emotions that boiled just below the surface.
"As he lay dying my dad tried so hard to convince me that I can still have everything I want." She paused again feeling as though a fist was clenching her heart. "I want to believe that's really true." Putting it all on the line now. "But I can't make that a reality by myself."
At some point he'd migrated closer to her. Without a word he leaned forward enough to slowly run his fingertips over the hand Sam had on the desk by her hip. Slipping gently through hers so that their fingers lay entwined. He raised his eyes to catch and hold hers. Tried to convey as much as he could through their connection. He was really hoping she wouldn't push him to say these things back to her.
"I can relate…more than you know." He muttered evasively. He never stopped caring for Sam, Kerry got her last digs in before walking out on him. Jacob, from his deathbed, had campaigned pretty hard for him to make things right with Sam. Getting Jacob's blessing shocked the hell right out of him. With a small smirk and squeeze of his fingers he placed his other hand on the desk to steady himself. This was all so surreal. He knew how elusive he was being with her. He hoped she could be patient. He had to be sure though. Had to know that she was sure. He continued with a quiet but insistent voice.
"There's just one pesky little thing of you still being in my chain of command that hampers this whole deal." He didn't expect it when she pulled a neatly folded piece of paper from the interior of her jacket and held it just beneath his nose.
"If you sign this, that pesky little detail goes away." Her confident tone told him she'd planned ahead with this.
He paused before taking whatever she'd drummed up. Knowing it could likely change everything. He met her eyes and slowly grabbed the piece of paper. He unfolded it to find a formal request for transfer. Area 51. This was it. He slowly set it on the desk and stood up straight to look in her eyes.
"You would give this up?" He asked, serious as a heart attack. Finger pointing in the general direction of the stargate.
"Yes." She replied. The surety in her voice was unmistakable. "Don't get me wrong, hands down, it's been the most amazing assignment. More so, an honor to lead SG-1 these last months. I've learned so much and I'll always appreciate the opportunity. But, if I'm being honest, it's just not the same without you on the team." She paused for a bit and looked ahead to a photo of him from some deployment hanging on his wall. "You know, this has been the longest post I've had in all my career." She shook her head as she thought better. "Scratch that, life. Military brat here. It's in my blood and I'm itching for a change."
"This would be a big one." He felt brave enough to say.
"Jack, if I can't have you by my side out there, I'd like the opportunity to have you by my side somewhere on Earth. It's time to give it a try." She'd plead her case. It was in the hands of the judge now. Her future hung in the balance. Their future.
"Sam, I can't promise you the white picket fence with the 2.3 kids, a dog and a cat." He said with a certain sadness to his voice. But felt it important to make this known before anything else happened.
She pondered a bit before responding to his admission. "I'm not even sure that was ever my dream." She said with a bit of wonder in her voice. "Maybe when I was a kid. But when I joined the Air Force I happily put that on the back burner. Pete was all about that kind of life and I think I let him talk me into it. He'd wanted it so bad. But the more he pushed me in that direction the more unease I felt. The house he bought, without so much as consulting me, was the last straw. I couldn't deny my gut feeling at that point. That's not the life I was meant to have." She paused. "I thank the stars every day that Cassie lets me fuss over her when I can. I've cherished her like my own and that's enough. I've already had a cat. White picket fences need repainting too much. Who has time for that?" She ended with a chuckle. Helping to alleviate the somber mood.
"You're sure?" He said, pleading for the absolute truth here.
"As sure as I can be. We both know about the best laid plans." She said with a shrug to her shoulders. "I wouldn't ask more from you than I know you can give."
So many things were communicated in just that one sentence. Relief and admiration shone in his eyes with that last avowal. Has anyone in his life ever been as intuitive or accommodating as her? She had the privilege of knowing him better than anyone he'd ever let into his heart. He didn't think that was why she was making that pledge however. She was just that good of a person. He didn't deserve it, but he'd take it.
"You make quite the case, Colonel." He calmly paused, for dramatic affect. "The Stargate Program has been lucky to have you these eight years and we're not sure what we'll do without you. But I must say I agree that your talents are greatly needed at Area 51." He ended that with a full blown smile that reached from ear to ear. He picked up his pen from the stack to his right and quickly filled out his portion of the form. He set it and the pen over on his stack and looked back at Sam. "We'll make sure you're stocked with all the doohickeys that you can handle."
"Thank you, Sir." She said with a smirk. "I'll do you proud."
"I bet you will Carter." He paused for a minute and the humor left his expression as he continued. "This will still have to go through Hammond. I can't say if or when you'll actually get your official orders." He paused to put his hands in his pockets to stop the fidgeting. "Even doing this the right way is still risky for your career."
"A calculated risk. You don't think I've done my calculation?" She mocked incredulously.
"Oh, no Doctor, it's clear you've assessed this five ways to Sunday. You understand my concern regardless?" The pleading look in his eyes softened a bit.
"I know. We're good at what we do and it's been important. We're important and we can continue to be important under separate command structures. We've stuck our necks out for this world time and time again. I'd like to think the universe could allow us this one, teeny tiny, itsy bitsy, little thing." She stressed that last point with a knowing look in his direction. "I may have some select words for Uncle George if this doesn't go through."
"Who you callin' itsy bitsy?" He jested. Simultaneously he poked at her shoulder just to check that this was in fact real and that she wouldn't just disappear from before his eyes. It took a nano second for her to return a jab in kind. Likely for the same reasons. He took it to the shoulder, good natured as well, but caught her hand before it could return to the desk. He focused on the thumb he put on the back of her hand slowly learning the texture of her skin there. Briefly thought back to a couple days ago. When she'd grabbed his hand as he'd wrapped it around her while they sat in the observation deck of the infirmary. The pad of her thumb made the same motion then as he was now. It was impulsive on his part yet he indulged until a thought came out of left field to disturb his desire for contact.
"That is until 'Uncle George' sees surveillance tape of one Lieutenant Colonel Carter sitting on her superior's desk. In fact, let's just walk ourselves to the stockade now. It'll just be faster." He got a laugh out of her with that and she tightened her grip on his hand as he made to leave her presence. Hauling him back to his spot.
"Staff Sergeant Dixon is in surveillance tonight. He may or may not be seeing a loop of one Brigadier General O'Neill throwing pencils at the ceiling right now." Her toothy grin was contagious. The light in her eyes was mesmerizing.
Curiosity struck him. He glanced at the clock to see just how long this loop must've been playing. Deciding it was nowhere near out of the realm of possibility he shrugged his shoulders and returned his full attention to her. The wily woman. He traded her hand from his left to right. Loath to break the connection even for a second.
With his now free left hand on her hip he slid her body to the middle of his desk with papers and folders easing the friction along the way. It brought her front and center. Inches separated them now. Taking a moment to savor the impending kiss, Jack gazed at Sam's stunning face as if for the first time. He let his eyes communicate all the words that seemed to escape him right now. Feelings of excitement, trepidation, lust, vulnerability, impatience, and caution. Those only scratched the surface of the varied emotions that this opportunity brought to the forefront.
"You're not mad?" She spoke quietly, with a hint of hesitancy. When he didn't immediately reply she felt compelled to ramble. "I meant no disrespect by sitting here. I just needed to get your attention. I couldn't let this opportunity pass me by."
"It worked." He stated with conviction. "You have my attention." He too almost whispered, so close to her face. He flicked his eyes to her lips and back to her eyes again. A wolfish grin formed on his face.
He slowly brought her hand to his lips and indulged in a chaste kiss where he'd rubbed at her skin moments ago. She was amenable. He watched as her eyelids slowly slipped shut and sighed as his hands traveled to her face. A finger traced the swell of her bottom lip. So soft. Slowly, his hands made their way to Sam's neck and slid ever so slowly to the mass of blonde hair behind her ears only to lose themselves in the soft locks there.
She went willingly as he pulled her to meet his waiting face. He knew she was expecting the touch of his lips, instead he gently rubbed the tips of their noses together, back and forth. To her surprise, Sam opened up her eyes to see straight into his; crystal blue met earthly brown. Getting the desired reaction he moved in for a soft kiss while holding her gaze. He wanted her to know that he was with her. Wherever this crazy plan would lead them, he was with her.
He heard her soft moan and watched as her eyes slipped shut once more. With a smirk he continued on with a series of slow closed-mouthed kisses that drew out the satisfaction of this experience between them. Jack felt the tip of her tongue snake out and try to initiate a deeper connection but Jack wouldn't have it. He was going to take it slow, excruciatingly slow. Even if it killed him, and what a way to go!
He finally pulled away after getting a good taste of her. Yet, it wasn't enough. Would it ever be? It would have to hold them over for now. If he didn't resist temptation they might get themselves outed by the skeleton crew that lurked about. He pulled himself upright and set some distance between them to help cool off. She reluctantly let him go but held his gaze.
"You're an officer's dream sitting right there, Ma'am." With his hands in his hair he blew out a breath he felt he'd been holding the whole time. "As much as I appreciate your security stunt, I'd rather not push it." As much as he'd like to. Holy Hannah did he want to live out a certain fantasy right here, right now. But alas, he'd be the gentleman his grandma had tried to raise.
"I know." She was clearly disappointed but cooler heads prevailed. Her curiosity got the best of her. "Sometime soon?" She hedged. They laughed in unison.
"Tell you what, I'll hand deliver this to Hammond myself on Thursday and if he gives us the green light…." He resumed his proximity to her face as he spoke. "You're on." He rested his forehead on hers. Letting his eyes speak the hidden words of all sorts of escapades they could indulge in the future.
She felt it. Transfixed by his gaze. She felt it like a main line from his eyes straight to the bottom of her heart. Spreading like a cozy, warm blanket over her whole body - all encompassing. That forbidden four letter word that he'd yet to verbally return. She didn't need the words from him now to know the truth however. It had always resided within a closely guarded corner of her mind, but now had free reign over her entire being. She smiled and could do nothing but just let it take over. Bask in the glow of their shared reality. She couldn't stop it, not even if she tried. Not even if she wanted to.
Relaxing with a deep sigh, she said a silent prayer to whomever was listening that her plan might just have some wings to fly. With a slow hand her fingers had found the short silver hairs of his nape. She allowed herself the sensation that his textured hair caused on her palm. It sent shivers down her spine. Before she could lose herself completely she stilled her hands and focused. Holding him tenderly, she placed her own sure kiss on his warm temple. An amen, of sorts.
All too soon he brought back the much needed distance and offered her a hand to help her off the desk. It wasn't really needed but she took it anyway and hopped onto shaky feet. He was there with a hand to her lower back as she swayed a bit. She relished the moments he allowed himself to be a gentleman. Especially when she was on the receiving end. She smiled a dopey smile to herself while taking a minute to adjust her shoes.
When she met his eyes again she saw nothing but the determined affection that he kept so quiet for her sake. For her career. She understood his concerns and couldn't wait for the day or night when she could convince him it would all be worth it.
"Stay on base tonight. Meet me for coffee at 0530?" He offered with a slight rub to her back before he broke the contact altogether.
"You're on." She parroted his words back to him with a smile. She walked with him to the door as he opened it for her.
"Get some rest Carter." He said with care as she walked out of his office and back into the briefing room. "I'll see you in the morning."
She looked back over her shoulder and nodded her head. She didn't trust her voice right then not to betray her. They were back on live camera now. Her brain knew that leaving was the correct decision. Her heart longed for just a little more satisfaction though. Major inroads were established into their stagnant relationship. She'd have to take comfort in that and be patient with the rest. They'd have to be careful in the meantime. Although, hadn't they been making eye's at each other over the mess hall tables for years now? Tongues already wagged. Who would know that anything had really changed? It's not like he was going to lay her out so he could have her for breakfast. Although tempting, not gonna happen. On base anyway.
She focused on moving her feet. One in front of the other. Down the stairs, around the corner and through the hall. First make it to the elevator, Sam. She told herself. Her head spun with the events of the last hour. The events of the last few days. From the lowest of lows to the highest of highs. She just needed to make it into the safe haven of her quarters.
The elevator seemed to take an eon to reach the selected floor. As the doors slid open she resumed her journey. Thankful again for quiet halls and no disturbances on base. Finally she reached her door and slipped inside, quiet as a mouse. Once the door clicked shut she spun and put her back to the cool metal. She let her eyes slip shut and the pads of her fingers to rest lightly on her lips. She could still feel the sensation of his kiss. The five o'clock shadow that rasped her skin and sent her nervous system on fire. His sure hands as they made their way over her face and neck. His touch was everything she'd needed it to be.
She allowed a few silent tears to slip from her eyelashes and trickle down her cheeks. Mostly happy tears. Overwhelmed tears. She put herself out there tonight like she hadn't done for some time. Her pulse finally evening out after prolonged arrhythmia. The realization of the events she'd set in motion finally hit, like a ton of bricks. She'd risked it all. For the pursuit of happiness. She hoped, against all odds, that it would be worth it in the end.
The thought of her father looking down on her with happiness helped dry her tears. It was the chance he'd been pleading with her to take. To realize her full potential in every facet of her life. She could only hope to find the kind of love with Jack that her parents had shared for too brief a time. What father didn't want the absolute best for his daughter? A man who would protect and nurture at all costs. After watching Jack do just that for her over the years, Jacob must've had a sixth sense about the likeliness for that to translate easily into a more intimate arena.
Having that knowledge must've been what forced Jacob to resist Pete as 'the one'. He was gracious about it, sure, but that didn't stop him from speaking out in the end. Looking back now she could admit that her dad's quiet ambivalence set this all in motion. She respected his opinion and it stuck with her in the days after Pete and Jacob's meeting on the base. She allowed it to erode what was left of the contrived confidence in the relationship. The rest of the events that occurred after that were just light posts guiding her towards a direction she was already headed. To Jack.
She pinched the bridge of her nose. A whopper of a headache settling in. She forced herself to go through the motions of properly preparing for bed. Getting her dress blues to the appropriate hangers, brushing her teeth and washing her face. Knowing she'd be better off for it in the morning. To which she was very much looking forward to. She knew the sooner she got to sleep the sooner she'd get to that table in the mess hall. To those brown eyes she ached to see her reflection in. She hoped that as soon as her head hit the pillow she'd be out like a light. Wrapping up a few last things after setting her alarm, she crawled into bed and finally let her body succumb to the exhaustion of the day.