Last chapter...
Severus discovered a multitude of new joys.
Like a brown tweed wardrobe.
And a job he isn't qualified for.
And a car he can barely drive.
Also Dumbledore exists as a live person - that's probably not traumatic?
**Please forgive Severus for a lack of child care safety instincts; it's his first day as an adult muggle, ok! - dw, he'll learn. Maybe.**
Four - Dad of the Year
Hogsmeade Nursery, Infant and Junior School was a stately brick affair covered in manicured ivy and trellised roses. It boasted ample grounds with grass, trees and all the rest of the usual pastoral bits and bobs, and was surrounded by a very serious looking two-meter fence. Is that barbed-wire at the top? Severus didn't blame them; children were constantly attempting to get themselves killed by trying to escape.
The woman guarding reception pursed her lips at him, and shoved her spectacles up a stubby nose. She reminded him of Dolores Umbridge, and looked nothing whatsoever like a 'Kelsi'. Snape took an immediate dislike to her - apparently, the feeling was mutual. "You were called an hour ago Mr. Snape."
"Dr. Snape," he snapped, trying to loom at her from across the reception desk. "And it was not 'an hour ago', it was fifty minutes ago, madam."
The woman raised her eyebrows at him. He raised his right back at her. "My time stamp on the message record says fifty-five minutes, Dr. Snape."
So it was going to be like that, was it.
"Fifty-five is still not sixty, now is it?" He glowered and leaned over the desk as much as he was able. "I do despair of leaving my offspring in the hands of an institution where even the administrative staff are unable to comprehend -"
"Oh, you must be Rosie's father!" Came a cheerful voice from behind Umbridge II. "I'm Kelsi Fernsby, the Wellness Guide!" The young woman looked like an eager pixie with her large, round eyes, small frame, and short, choppy haircut. Definitely a legitimate 'Kelsi'.
The pixie's head was poking out of a room behind the reception area. "Your daughter and I were just doing some gentle stretches to bring ourselves back to center, come join us!"
The hell he would.
Umbridge II smirked at him, clearly reading the horror on his face. Severus gave her a haughty sneer in return, and resisted employing the use of a two-finger salute. This was a primary school, after all.
"Show me the child, is it injured?" He snapped, hoping it was in good enough condition to present to its mother when she got home. Merlin only knew what sort of histrionics he would have to put up with if the creature was damaged in some fashion.
Kelsi Fernsby assured Snape that the brat was 'totally fine!' and motioned him over. The room was small and covered in brightly coloured floor cushions with an assortment of large, glossy images attached to the walls featuring various types of people bending themselves into strange positions - it was rather like his DADA classroom had had a love child with the Divination tower. Severus shuddered. Thankfully there was a desk with actual chairs at the far end of the room, and he made haste to seat himself there before 'Kelsi' made good on her threat to engage in stretching.
A dark mass of hair poked out from beneath his chair, and a pair of glittering black eyes met his gaze. "Hi, daddy," it said, baring its teeth at him.
"Rosalind," he nodded courteously, refusing to show agitation, but unwilling to antagonise the creature so long as it had unfettered access to his ankles.
"So, wow!" Kelsi beamed once she was seated across from him. "What a morning we've had, eh Rosie?"
"Hur, hur, hur." Came the reply from under Severus's chair. He ignored it.
"Seeing as the child is not injured, please do explain to me, Miss Fernsby, why I was summoned away from my very busy work day to come collect her." Technically, he'd only been stalking the halls looking for his office so he could hide - and possibly nap - for a few hours in between lectures, but she didn't need to know that. "Unlike some people, my responsibilities are such that I cannot simply flit about at will any hour of the day to have fun little 'chats' that could easily be left for a more appropriate time."
"I totally hear you, Mr. Snape!" The pixie gushed.
"Dr. Snape."
"Wow, a doctor? That's so cool!" She gasped, then addressed herself to the space beneath his chair. "Rosie, your daddy is a doctor! How does that make you feel?"
Severus blinked, momentarily unable to process the direction of the conversation.
"Hungry," came the growled reply from far too close to his legs. He resisted the urge to lift them off the floor. Barely.
Kelsi grinned at Snape. "Wow, she's so expressive with so few words, isn't she!"
Severus stiffened. "Are you saying my daughter has a suboptimal vocabulary for her age?" Merlin's beard, how old was the thing? Three? Seven? He frowned and attempted to catch a glimpse of it. Certainly less than eleven.
The pixie grimaced while looking excited. It was a singularly disturbing expression. "Okay, so, maybe she doesn't use as many words as most of the other kids her age, but! She's really good at communicating her needs and feelings, aren't you, Rosie?"
"No," grunted the thing living under his chair.
Kelsi grinned at Severus as though the demon-spawn had said something utterly astounding. He blinked at her again. This was devolving by the minute. "Are we finished here?"
"Oh! Sure thing, Dr. Snape!" The pixie clapped her hands for no apparent reason. "Just make sure you see Mrs. Rookwood at reception on the way out to sign for Rosie, and you two can scoot whenever you like!"
Severus bristled. "You expect me to take it when I go?" Kelsi made a befuddled little 'o' with her mouth. "The child, I mean," he gestured vaguely to the area below his seat.
"You betcha, Dr. Snape!" She beamed at him as though he'd said the most extraordinary thing ever. "And I'll see you next week, Rosie! Don't forget your stretches! Maybe you can get your father to do them with you!"
Severus snorted. No fucking way. He stood quickly and lifted his chair to glower down at the demon-spawn. It grinned at him. "Fetch your things, Rosalind, we're leaving."
Umbridge II glared at him as he stood before her desk once more. Rookwood, the pixie had called her. Ugly enough to be Augustus. He smirked. "Apparently I must sign something in order to take possession of the delinquent?"
The woman grinned and slapped down a pink coloured paper with the heading 'Notice of Out-of-School Suspension'. "Signature at the bottom, Dr. Snape."
"Out-of-School Suspension?" He snapped. "On what grounds?"
"Your daughter assaulted a member of our faculty, Dr. Snape," hissed Umbridge II, "Mr. Lupin needed stitches and a tetanus shot!"
"Lupin." Severus stared at the woman for a moment. "Remus Lupin?"
"That's right." She tapped the form impatiently.
"Remus Lupin is my daughter's primary school teacher?"
"Correct." She poked the form again. "Signature at the bottom, if you please."
Severus felt the corners of his mouth tilt upwards. "What did she do to him?"
The woman glowered at his lack of signing and shoved her spectacles up her nose again. "She bit him."
Snape covered his laughter with a cough. Umbridge II didn't seem fooled, and tapped the paper with renewed vigour. "And don't neglect to date it."
Severus signed the notice with a flourish while pondering the delightful irony of a werewolf being bitten. By a child.
My child. Even better.
"It has been a pleasure, madam," he grinned. She ignored him and walked away with the signed form. Hag.
Something dark moved along the floor near his leg. It was carrying a red backpack with tiny rainbows, and clutching a familiar looking plush bear with mangled ears.
"You bit Remus Lupin." He couldn't help himself from grinning at her.
The miscreant narrowed her eyes at him, assessing his reaction. "Yup."
"Why?"
"He's stinky," she replied in a tone that suggested he was an idiot for asking.
Severus nodded. "Yes. Fair enough." He decided on the spot that this was his favourite of the hallucinated offspring.
"How old are you?"
"Five." She narrowed her eyes at him again, and he held out the hope that it was from keen observation, and not constipation.
"Your vocabulary is somewhat lacking," he informed her, crossing his arms. The child shrugged. "Gryffindor, no doubt," he muttered. "Come along then."
There was a mild confrontation when they reached the vehicle and the delinquent balked at his intention to sit her next to him. Apparently there was some sort of apparatus for miniature muggles that was required for reasons of safety. Or so it claimed 'mummy says'.
"Well, mummy can blow it out her arse." Was hallucinated older-Hermione there in her tiny shorts? No. And Severus was having none of being bossed around by an imaginary wife that wasn't even present to do the bossing.
"Get. In." He hissed at the creature.
"It's in the boot," it grunted at him.
Severus stared at the gremlin for a moment. "What?"
"My seat," the beast growled, clearly of the opinion he was a moron. "It's in the boot - go get it." It folded its chubby arms and took a wide stance. Apparently even werewolf-biting demons weren't willing to cross their mothers on issues of child safety.
Sure enough, there was a tiny chair-like object stored in the rear of the car, dangling belts and straps like a hard plastic octopus. He glanced from the intimidating bit of muggle technology to the recalcitrant child, considering whether or not he could simply toss the creature into the rear compartment without incurring bodily harm.
The demon-spawn tilted its head and lowered its eyelids to half mast.
"I don't suppose you know how to install it properly?" He asked, deciding he didn't want to chance ending up like Remus Lupin.
"Maybe," she replied, popping one of the teddy ears into her mouth.
Severus sighed and did his best to install the needlessly complicated piece of equipment 'in the back', as the monster directed. "Far be it from me to argue with your authority on the subject," he groused, "but it would be vastly more convenient to install this contraption in the front of the automobile."
"No," it replied, "that's not safe." The 'you idiot' was heavily implied.
It took Snape thirty minutes to install the blasted plastic octopus to the cretin's specifications, but only seven minutes to consult his road map and lurch the cramped automobile back to the domestic compound. He snidely pointed out the disparity in preparatory time versus travel time, but the hinted waste went completely over the brat's head. Or, it didn't give a fuck. Probably the latter.
Severus watched the delinquent shed its outer layers in the entry, and he idly picked up one obnoxiously red ladybug trainer to inspect the flashing lights embedded in the sole. "What level of supervision do you require from this point forward?" He asked, hoping it wasn't any more than the average first year.
"Chocolate biscuits," it replied with confidence.
Snape curled his lip at the demon-spawn, but stepped over the pile of backpack and other shed items, making his way to the kitchen. He presented the creature with a cup of milk and a plate of digestives. She frowned and glared at him. He raised one eyebrow and crossed his arms. There was a bit of unintelligible grumbling, and a fair amount of murderous glances, but eventually the little beast slapped her bear up on the table and settled into munching under duress.
Severus leaned himself against the counter, watching his 'daughter' consume her biscuits with all the table manners of a hippogriff. How long had Weasley said this - situation - would last? 'Dunno, depends on yourself' had been the official, unhelpful, answer. Splendid. Simply splendid.
I need an ally.
It couldn't be helped. This wasn't like spying for the Order during a wizarding war or teaching potions to dunderheads - neither of which was particularly pleasant, but for which he was at least qualified and prepared. No, no. This. This had taken him out of his element. Left him adrift. Floundering. He could admit it - if only to himself.
One of the children would be best. He decided. Adults were more likely to be suspicious and ask questions. Children, though, well, those were often much more malleable and trusting. Eager to please. Obedient to authority. Severus considered the feral girl-child masticating and slurping before him. She had good instincts when it came to the enemy, but communication was potentially an issue. And she appears to be somewhat unstable. Neither would suit his purposes.
"Tell me - how old is your elder sister?" He asked the demon-spawn.
It looked up, lips coated in milky residue and dusted with crumbs. "Huh?"
"Your - ah - big sister."
It blinked. "Margaret?"
"Sure - Margaret - how old is she?"
The creature picked up another biscuit, considering. "Two billion." It decided.
"I see." He pushed away from the counter. Surely there were birth records somewhere - perhaps in his excessively organised file cabinet? "I'll be in my study - do not set the house on fire or accidentally maim yourself in my absence."
"Okay, bye, daddy," it cackled, "have fun."
Something ominous slipped up his spine. How much trouble could one five year old muggle get into? Severus paused and left his study door open, just in case there was screaming at some point - one could never be too careful as a fake parent.
Thank you kindly Severus'Little, Lisa, webby, worrywart, Trickygirl, and suzga for taking the time to leave me nice words! /enthusiastic goat hugs for all