30/7 2185
Normandy.
"I'll bet you a thousand credits you couldn't go a week without saying calibration." Mads deared as he took a sip of his coffee. Him and Garrus had been chatting for close to 20 minutes in the forward cannon room.
"HA! That will be the easiest thousand credits I have ever made!" Garrus accepted.
"At the rate you are saying it, you won't last a day. The meaning of that word will be lost in due time, you do realize that, right?" Mads asked.
"Fuck off. And why haven't you spoken to Tali yet?" Garrus asked back. Mads grew quiet, it was true. He hadn't really spoken to Tali coming back, in truth; he wanted to plan it out.
"She is still grieving after her father's dead. It would be... awkward." Mads replied.
"Shut up. You are both hot after each other. Try to comfort her or something." Garrus proposed.
"Maybe you're right. But following Vakarian advice has hardly ever turned out in anyone's favor." Mads teased.
Garrus gave a parody expression of being hurt. "Words hurt too." He remarked.
"I thought you were a tough Turian Warrior." Mads replied.
"Get out of here. And go talk to Tali and sort out that weird romance you have going on. I have some calibration to do." Garrus said as he turned around. Mads chuckled.
"What?" Garrus asked confused.
"You couldn't even go half-a-minute without saying it." Mads laughed. Garrus gave an annoyed sigh as he realized what he had done. Mads left laughing as Garrus cursed him.
To plan ahead for battle is easy, especially if you are someone with a service history like Mads, but how do you tackle something like love, when you haven't experienced it in close to... 168 years? Mads knew the feeling, he knew all too well. But Tali was not just anyone, she was special. And here he was, trying his damnest to make some sort of confession of love that was worth a damn. They all sounded way too corny, or way too dumb.
Tali had lost her father. The grief was still there, even if she denied it to all those who asked if she was alright. She dealt with it in the only way she could, work. It seemed ironic; her father had spent so much time on his work to properly care for her. Now, she was drowning herself in work. She took every shift she could, and she would cry herself to sleep in her pod at night.
Her confession had been lost in the tears she had wept. She would still smile when she remembered Mads, and she could feel the chemistry between them. But this event had left her in tears, and she simply couldn't muster up any confidence to tackle it. She felt exhausted emotionally. She remembered that she dealt with her mother's death in a similar way, and how she only got through that with the help of her auntie.
Mads knew she was dealing with it emotionally, he understood it perhaps better than anyone on the ship. He might even go so far as to say he never got over it. Why could he? This new world seemed unforgiving in its nature. He understood that either work or a bottle seemed like a logical answer when family died. How often did he choose the latter? How many times does he still do it?
But, that's why he was content on helping Tali through this. She deserved as much. So much shit had been thrown her way these past couple of days. That's why he spent his downtime preparing some words, simple words that should mean a lot. How could it be so difficult?
What are you doing?
And here they come again, creeping up on him like some ghost haunting his mind. Those voices. He could place each and every voice to a person he once knew, and he knew that they didn't mean what they said to him. He knew that the voices were a part of his deeper conscious retelling each and every mistake.
What makes you think you deserve her?
Haven't you brought enough sorrow?
It was them who made Russian roulette seem like a good game to try out. See how long you would last. And it made him think: Was he entitled to all of this? Did God really speak to him? Or was it just a dying man's dream? A way to justify to himself to keep on. These thoughts were not fun to think alone. He was unstable, and he knew it. However he managed to become captain was somehow beyond him at this point.
And of course, he was selfish for thinking like this. He needed to man up. He loved Tali, and if he hadn't read all those hints wrong, she loved him right back. That begged the question, what in the hell was he waiting for?
He folded the paper into a ball and threw it into the bin. What the hell did he need a script for? These words would come from his heart, right?
Who do you think you are?
Like a small devil standing on his shoulder, the words kept on speaking against him.
"AND WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, HM? SOME KIND OF MORAL COMPASS?" Mads yelled into his own cabin. Must have seemed like a madman to Edi, if she tested for things like that. No, he would shut out the voices.
Situations like these would be a goldmine for his enemies and the press. He could already imagine what everyone would think of him.
Tali worked at her station, fixing everything she could. Doing the best work she could do, while pushing out every other thought she had. She sneezed. Curse her luck, she had gotten sick from that suit repair. Damn, of course she had. And if things couldn't get any worse, she could hear those damn hobnails coming behind her! Why did he have to own such weird boots?
Of course, she liked him, she liked his company. That's why she didn't want him to see her like this. A shell of what she should have been. Her self-doubt screamed at her to bail, to find some reason to get out.
"Kenneth, Gabriella? Mind giving me and Tali a moment?" Mads asked as he stood behind them.
"Sure thing, laddy." Kenneth replied as he finished up the small task he was doing.
"Take all the time you need." Gabriella answered. She knew Tali had been affected by her Father's dead. They both stepped out of the room. As soon as they had left, Mads went over to the wall besides the terminal station she was working at. He leaned against it, rested his hands on his belt.
"How are you Tali?" Mads asked with a caring voice.
"I'm fine." She replied with a shift and rather cold voice.
"Tali, don't lie to me. You know my bullshit detector is one of the greatest in the galaxy." Mads said. Besides Tali grief, she actually smiled. His stupid comments always did that.
"Romanov. I get that you want to help, but this is something I must do on my own." Tali replied.
Mads was quiet for a second. Her voice seemed so distant, nothing at all like she usually speaks.
"Do you remember your nosey behavior two years ago, Tali? How you asked about my parents?" Mads asked. Tali finally took her eyes off her work and looked at him.
"Yes..." She answered, now curious.
"Remember that I told you that they died?" Mads asked.
"Yes?" Tali was now peaked.
"I worked out that alone. In my quarters at night, silently thinking about what I could have done differently. For the first six months, I thought I was dreaming. Some cruel dream made by the Lord himself. I don't want you to work this out at the rate I did." Mads said. Those words seemed to work it's magic.
"I-... I-... I just miss him so much!" She cried. Mads was quick to get over to her and hug her. Telling her everything would be okay. Stroking her back and letting her know that he was there for her. They spent the next half-a-hour just talking. Tali told him her fond memories she had of her father. Tali realized that speaking with Mads did more to help than she ever could do herself.
Then she sneezed. A small reminder that she was still a bit sick. "Bless you. Are you feeling sick?" Mads asked concerned.
"No, just a small fever. I got sloppy while doing some suit work. No need to worry." Tali replied, trying to ease his concerns.
"I have to pay my respects to the Quarians. Living inside your suit almost all of your life must be hard. I doubt I would be able to do it." Mads remarked.
"It's not easy. We are always in a suit. Even along family. It gets tough when you think too much about it. The most intimate thing a Quarian can do is to link suit environment with another. It's an important sign of trust and acceptance. I have yet to trust anyone that much, expect for yo-... No Quarians..." Tali realized that she let it slip. It came natural, like straight from her heart. Mads must have had the most inappropriate grin in the world at that moment.
"I'm glad you think so Tali. And I feel the same way, you don't have to prove anything to me." Mads asked as he smiled to give her comfort.
"I know... Not that I know... I didn't mean it like that... Wow, it's getting hot in here... The tradition also is a sign of intimacy. I wasn't trying to... Is not always like... It's more..." Tali was getting nervous and wiggling her hands together in that cute nervous way she always did.
"Hold on a second... Are you trying to tell me something?" Mads had to drop the hint. Tali probably also needed it. Tali did indeed calm down as she heard that tone in his voice.
"Once upon a time, a young woman gets recused by a very handsome and dashing commander in a back alley. The commander puts trust in the young woman and lets her along on the adventure. How could she ever develop any kind of interest in him?" Tali took a pause to see Mads' reaction, and when she saw him smiling, she calmed down and realized that it would probably work. She cleared her throat before Mads could speak.
"... Я тебя люблю"(I love you) She said as a confession. Mads could hardly believe it, she had actually learned a bit of Russian? Well, the pronunciation was a bit off, but otherwise it was great. Mads could almost only smile, but he realized he probably had to do something as well. He moved in closer to her, and spoke softly where her audio input was.
"Я тоже тебя люблю" (I love you too) it felt natural to speak those words. And they tasted so foreign on his tongue, but not at all unpleasant. They hadn't been said in... Years. So long ago, and it felt like a massive weight was off his shoulders.
Tali needed a second to comprehend his words. First off, she needed to translate them, but that was no issue. Then, she had to tell if it was real or not. There was never really any doubt, and she considered herself silly for even having to do it. But she was just so happy. She jumped into Mads' arms and hugged him tight like a hug where if she let go, he would disappear forever. Mads hugged her tightly back and they stayed like that for some time.
"I can't begin to describe to you how happy I am right now. I wanted to tell you for so long." Tali said while crying tears of joy.
"Tali, I feel the same way. For a long time, I have had these feelings as well. How about... How about you come up to my quarters tonight, then we can discuss this further. Wouldn't want to delay the great work of Mrs. Vas Normandy now." Mads joked, but was serious about the offer.
"I would like that. I'll come up as soon as my shift is over." Tali replied with a smile under her helmet. She couldn't contain her happiness. Mads nodded.
"It's a deal then." He smiled and hugged her a last time before leaving. Tali had to stop herself from giggling like a school girl over the whole incident. Her cheeks were flaming red with brushing. She looked forward to the end of her shift.
Later that night.
Mads cleaned up his quarters, made sure it wasn't such a mess. The box from the migrant fleet was sitting neatly on the table, a little surprise he had brought Tali. And he hoped she would like it. He sighed, and began to think about what he should tell Tali, about his past. Or even if he should. Still, he owed her answers, and if she asked, he would answer truthfully.
He didn't have to wait long for Tali. About ten minutes after the end of her shift, there was a knock on his door. Mads was quick to answer it. Tali walked in and took a good look at the apartment, and realized it had truly been upgraded from the last Normandy. She had fond memories of the last ship and their time together.
"How are you Tali?" Mads asked as he closed the door.
"I'm quite fine... But... I just wanted to say..." She had been doing a lot of thinking since they talked. Her self-doubt trying one last time to bring her down. "I kind of put you on the spot back there. Is just... If you don't really feel the same way, then I wouldn't mind." Tali was almost embarrassed to say it, and feared what Mads might say next.
"You're kidding me, right?" Mads asked confused. "Of course I feel the same way. My answer remains the same it then back then. I... Love you Tali." Mads replied. She jumped at him, and caught him in a hug. If she hadn't been wearing that mask, or had the possibility of getting sick, she would have locked him in a kiss.
"Thank you." She said softly.
"Anytime. Now, please have a seat. I brought something for you." Mads smiled as he gestured for the couch.
"Really? You shouldn't have." Tali replied, surprised that he already had gotten something for her.
"Nonsense! You deserve something special. I just hope I was original enough in my gift hunting." Mads reassured. Tali smiled once again. Mads went over to the box and began to open it.
"After the trial, I figured you deserved something. I went exploring a bit, hoping to find a gift shop of some kind, but was not successful. Guess the Quarians have other priorities. But, I found something else." Mads remarked as he opened the box and pulled out its contents. Tali could hardly believe her eyes at what he pulled out.
"Ta-Da! Genuine Quarian wine! What do you say?" Mads asked with a smile as he held up the bottle.
"But how did you-" Tali couldn't even finish her sentence before Mads interrupted.
"I asked around if it was possible to buy a bottle. I know you mostly enjoy triple filtered Turian wine. Turns out, they only had pre-war bottles. This one is marked-" Mads looked at the label. "-1892, meaning its 293 years old. They are rare, and not all that cheap." Mads explained.
"How much?" Tali asked.
"About 12000 credits." Mads replied causally. Tali grasped in horror at mention of such a huge sum of money.
"Not to worry Tali, I can easily make that back on investments. Like I said, you deserve something special." Mads said. He placed the bottle on the table for Tali to examine. And examine it, she did. She couldn't believe Mads had done something like that. Mads went up to his office space and got two glasses from the mini bar, and his vodka. Tali was still busy looking at the bottle as Mads poured his drink. Mads gently put his hand on Tali's forearm.
"Don't think too much about it, just accept the gift." He said.
"Thank you so much! This means a lot to me." Tali replied and hugged him again.
They talked for what seeming like hours, the contents of the bottle slowly disappeared like a time glass. Slowly, they became more and more intoxicated. They had a connection, they spoke about certain things that most people normally wouldn't have. They agreed on some things, while disagreeing on other things. It was almost... Perfect. She was perfect, in his mind at least. But perhaps that didn't say much.
Mads took a cigarette from his pack and placed it between his lips and began to give a flame to it, as Tali spoke up. "Uhm... Romanov-"
"Please, call me Mads. I think this relationship will be quite weird if you call me by my surname." Mads smiled as he took a drag of his cigarette.
"Mads" She spoke softly, liking the taste on her tongue as she spoke it. "I would like to... uhm... Know more about you." She requested.
"Really?" Mads asked with a smile.
"If I remember correctly, you promised me to tell me everything I wanted to know over a drink. I think we got the drinks sorted alright." Tali said. Mads laughed.
"I figured you remember that deal. Alright Tali, a deal is a deal. What do you want to know?" Mads asked.
"Well... You have always been different. That's something I noticed. You speak different, you behave different, you dress different. But, what is most interesting, is your comment on your own parents." Tali was asked something deeply personal, and she wondered if she should. If he even would trust her enough.
Mads took a deep breath and placed his cigarette in his ashtray, he presented his gloved hands to Tali. "These hands have been under gloves for the better part of 11 years now, ever since 2174. This has caused a lot of rumors to be made. Everyone and their mother have a theory on what's underneath, on why I hide my own hands. Some think I have scared or burned skin, some think I have robot hands, and so on. Do you want to know what's underneath?" Mads asked back. Tali nodded. "Then pull them off." Mads ordered. Tali did so, she took her own gloved her over his, but hesitated for a moment, she thought about if she wanted to know. But then it struck her, she loved the man, and he was willing to show this to her.
She pulled off the glove of the right hand, and was instantly rewarded with the sight of a hand covered in tattoos, she pulled off the other and found the same. She was stunned and amazed at how beautiful they were.
"Most of my arms, my back and my shoulders have been tattooed. The reason I hide them, isn't because I am ashamed of them, far from it. But it's because of a simple little detail." Mads said, he pulled his right sleeve up a bit, and there on his wrist, was the most bizarre thing she had ever seen. It was a rather small tattoo, but what it said was almost unbelievable.
Mads Aleksandrovich Romanov.
31/08/1992
Was written in big bold letters. "First tattoo I ever had made. I was 21 at the time." Mads remarked as Tali stared at it.
"But that means you are-"
"193 years old. Yes." Mads interrupted.
"But how-" Tali thought it was some sort of Joke at first, but the look in Mads' eyes told her it was the truth.
"Most of what I have said about my past is true... In some sense. I went to business school at the age of 15, joined the Russian armed forces when I was about to turn 19. Spent a few months in boot camp, became a guard of honor in the Kremlin regiment. I know, kind of ironic, considering that a member of the former royal was protecting the Russian president. I was there for 2 years, in 2013 my superiors noticed something in me and transferred me to the Russian special forces. I became a senior lieutenant. I lived a happy life, had a good family, a lot of good friends, and I had a lovely girlfriend as well." Mads took a pause, perhaps that detail wasn't the best to include when in present company. But Tali listened on.
"Then there was a civil war in Syria. The people wanted change, the president wouldn't give in. Russia took a stance with the President, but never intervened. Then, a terrorist group came about. They called themselves The Islamic State. Religious fanatics who wanted to create a sovereign nation based on their ideals. Russia joined the fight against them in 2015, and Russian special forces where sent in as help to the president. I was one of them." Mads took a pause.
"You see this scar?" Mads asked as he ran his hand over the scar that went across the right part of his skull. Tali nodded.
"We were ordered to take a village, a small town. We had already secured a lot of villages, so we knew the drill. Things went tits up from the start. There were more Islamic fighters in there than we thought, but in the end, we cleared it. There was only one house left. Me and my best mate decided that the rest of the team could stay back as we cleared it. Turns out that a young fighter had hidden himself in the house, and he shot my friend in the shoulder." Mads took another pause and took a drag of his cigarette. Tali eagerly listened on.
"I stormed into the room, and I looked that kid in the eyes. There was a great conflict in his mind, on one side he had his loyalty to the terrorist group, on the other side, he had just shot another man. We fired our rifles at the same time. My bullet killed him, his bullet gave me this scar." Mads said, taking a pause to let it slip in to Tali.
"I was instantly knocked unconscious; I was rushed to a hospital. I was declared KIA, but I wasn't dead." Tali grasped at the information.
"My own country passed me into a secret program. They put me on ice, in a statis so to speak. I remained there until 2174, when I awoke again... I learned of all that had happened. Everything was gone, everything I know was gone, everything I would have ever become... Was gone." Mads paused, taking another drag.
"That is why I am the way I am today." Mads spoke. Tali sat for a moment, letting it all in. Trying to understand. She then hugged him, as tightly as ever. "I'm so sorry!" She said, trying her best to comfort him.
"Don't be Tali. I have already grieved enough." Mads said.
"What could you stand it?" Tali asked.
"I don't know. I guess... I guess I was better off fighting for humanity than I was dead. For a long time, very few people have been told this Tali. I trust you, but this can't leave this room." Mads said, Tali nodded. They remained in a hug for quite some time. Tali shed tears on Mads' behalf. Mads had already grieved so much, he wasn't even sure if there was any tears left in him.
Once they moved past that part, Mads began to share more fond memories. Like what his tattoos meant. Tali listened, took in every single word he said. The pieces of the giant puzzle that was Mads Romanov was falling together at last. This picture was not what she had expected, and she did indeed feel sorrow for him, but she understood that he didn't want pity. He lived here and now, or so he claimed at least.
"And who is that?" Tali asked as she pointed to his index finger on his right hand.
"This?" Mads asked as he pointed to the small portrait and Tali nodded. "That's Peter The Great. Tsar of Russia from 1682-1725. He brought Russia out of a dark age into a more enlightened age. He made Russia a great power. I have chosen him as my index finger on my right hand, because that is my trigger finger. I like to think he decides when to shoot." Mads explained. Tali greatly enjoyed hearing these stories, and knowing that it was his family.
"I have chosen Alexander III on my middle finger, because he gave the F-You to anyone he didn't like. He kept Russian safe. Nicholas II is on my ringfinger-"
"Wasn't he the one who lost the throne?" Tali remembered Mads speaking about it a long time ago.
"Yes... While he was far from a good leader, he was a good family man. That's why I placed him there. In Russian culture, we wear our wedding ring on our right ring finger. So... I thought it was fitting." Mads said.
"I agree. I think it's rather beautiful, and most of all... Meaningful." Tali agreed.
"I'm glad you think so Tali. It means a lot. Not many people have seen this before. For the pinky, I have chosen Alexander the first. The man who defeated Napoleon, the greatest threat to Russia at the time. He helped Russia and therefore he helps me guide and steady my hand." Mads went on, Tali eagerly studied all the portraits on his right hand, and then began to observe the ones on his left hand.
"Catherine the great brought Russia into a new golden age, she expanded the state and helped its people. She rests on my left index finger, and holds as much importance as Peter the Great. Alexander II is on my left middle finger, he was also the type who had his own visions. He improved life for the poor, and wanted Russia to be more democratic. He became a martyr, killed by terrorists." Mads took a pause, he had never really explained the meaning behind these tattoos. At least not to anyone as willing to listen as Tali. She truly cared.
"Nicholas the first was also a man of faith, and state. I choose him to rest on my left ring finger. As for the left pinky? Michael the first. The first ever Romanov to sit on the Russian throne. This was before they were called Tsars of all Russia. That's the meaning of these tattoos, they guide me when I need them. Make me do the right things when I need to." Mads finished explaining.
"You shouldn't hide them, be proud of them! I think they are beautiful." Tali proposed.
"Maybe, I'll think about it." Mads promised.
"Hey Tali, do you... erh... Want to stay here tonight? I know how uncomfortable the pods can be." Mads suggested.
"I would love to." Tali replied. They both realized that it was getting late; they had spoken for so long, about... Well, everything. Mads had to admit, it felt good to get it off his chest, to speak with someone like they understood and cared. In fact, it felt really nice.
Mads fell asleep with Tali in his arms, and he got, what was probably, the best sleep he had gotten in 11 years.