SLACKERS
EPISODE II
A PSYCHIC IN SIN CITY, PART TWO
The guys are in one of the darker halls of the resort, bound for their tournament. They've all donned their attire from the previous night, wearing badges on lanyards around their necks. Some temporary signs are put up in the hallways, directing them toward their destination. To them, it feels like forever. They're all a bit nervous about competing in a national televised gambling competition. Nevermind the fact that they're cheating. Mew's nerves have calmed considerably, but now Mike is beginning to dwell a little too heavily on the thought of getting busted. Finally, Wario opens the door to the room where the competitors check in.
Wario: Here we are, boys. We ready?
Knuckles: Ready.
Mew: Ready…
Mike looks around, completely forgetting to answer Wario.
Wario: Mike? You okay?
Mike: Hm? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Let's do this!
A concerned look appears on Wario's face, but he turns around and leads the group into the room. To Mew's horror, he notices the other competitors going through a full-body X-Ray scanner. He gulps, and begins transmitting his thoughts directly to Mike.
(Editor: Italicized speech indicates thought, as opposed to spoken words.)
Mew: Mike, I don't know about this. That thing looks pretty accurate. What if I got something wrong? What if it notices me?
Mike: Yeah, I wasn't really counting on that… I know they're just checking for weapons and stuff, but I really hope you know enough about human anatomy to pass through that thing…
Mew gulps and begins sweating a bit. Finally their group makes it to the front of the line. Wario enters the scanner, apparently unfazed by the upcoming potential crisis.
Security guard: Name?
Wario: Wario Wario! And make it snappy! I got a game to win!
After two minutes of scanning, a green light appears above the machine, indicating Wario has passed.
Wario: What the hell took that thing so long? Even airports are twice as fast as that piece of junk!
Knuckles: …only twice?
Security guard: Sorry, sometimes it takes the machine some extra time to scan through all that fat.
Wario: Why you—!
Knuckles: Wario! Take it easy! We need to stay calm, remember?
Wario's anger subsides, and he passes by the security guard with a look of poorly contained rage.
Security guard: Next!
Knuckles: That's my cue.
Knuckles enters the machine.
Security guard: Name?
Knuckles: Knuckles the Echidna.
Knuckles folds his arms and taps his foot as the machine does its work. It takes fifteen seconds to scan him before flashing a green light.
Wario: How come HIS didn't take as long?
Security guard: We got this machine from Angel Island, so its primary scanning programming is for echidnas.
Knuckles: Sweet!
Wario: Grr…
Knuckles exits the machine and stands next to Wario. Mike and Mew are getting more nervous by the second.
Security guard: Next!
Mike: You're up, buddy. Just be cool. You got this.
Mew gulps again, and slowly walks into the machine.
Security guard: Name?
Mew: Uh…
Mew seizes up, realizing he hasn't even thought of a fake name yet.
Mew: Crap, what do I say?
Mike: I don't know, think of something!
Security guard: Sir? Could I get your name please?
Mew: Um… er… Mew… ton. John Mewton. Yeah, that's it!
The machine begins scanning. Mew begins counting, knowing that 15 or under is a safe bet. However, second 16 passes. Then 17. Then 18. Each one feeling like an hour.
Mike: Come on, Mew…
When second 22 hits, the machine stops dead in its tracks. No light, no sound. Mew's joints freeze.
Security guard: Hang on, we got an issue here.
Mew: Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck…
The guard looks at Mew briefly, then walks to the backside of the machine. Even Wario and Knuckles can feel their hearts pounding. After another fifteen seconds of agonizing anticipation, the machine comes back on and resumes scanning Mew. Once the final round of fifteen seconds passes, the guys witness most beautiful sight any of them has ever seen. A green light, indicating Mew has passed.
Mew: Thank. Fucking. Arceus.
Security guard: Sorry about that. Damn coffee lady tripped over the power cable and it came unplugged.
Mew: *nervously* She needs to be more careful.
Security guard: You've got that right, pal. Next!
After letting out a huge sigh of relief, Mike casually enters the machine.
Security guard: Name?
Mike: Leon Powalski.
Knuckles: …the hell?
Only three seconds of scanning pass before a buzzer goes off and a red light appears.
Security guard: Hm. Can you step over here for a bit, please?
Mike: Uh… sure?
This is a sight none of the guys had been expecting. Mew was able to pass through, but the guard has found a reason to be suspicious of Mike.
Mike: Is there a problem?
Security guard: Not sure yet. The scanner is picking up a suspicious item on you. I'm going to have to give you a pat down.
Mike: Great…
Whatever anxiety Mew, Wario, and Knuckles had melts away instantly. Wario pulls out his smartphone and begins secretly recording a video of Mike being essentially fondled by a muscular man twice his size. Mike is able to see the phone, and starts thinking of what to do to Wario in ways so vulgar I don't dare transmit them to text. Eventually, the guard finds the suspicious item in question in Mike's left pocket-his Swiss Army knife.
Security guard: Sir, is there something you were planning on doing with this?
Mike: No, absolutely not! I didn't even realize I had it on me. I guess it's just a force of habit… I'm so used to carrying it around with me everywhere.
Security guard: Either way I'm going to have to confiscate it.
Mike: Can I get it back at the end of the day?
Security guard: Sure. Just come find me by the exit when the break starts tonight and I'll give it back.
Mike: Thanks. Sorry for the trouble.
Security guard: Ah, don't worry about it. Good luck, gentlemen!
Mike, Wario & Knuckles: Thanks!
The guys regroup and make their way to the end of the last hallway-the one leading to the poker room.
Knuckles: Um, Mike? What was up with using Leon's name back there?
Mike: Because that stupid lizard keeps giving Misty new prank ideas. If our cover's blown, that'll stick a rod up his-
Knuckles: Okay, we get it. Let's just go play poker.
They see a crowd, lights and cameras, and a few other players having already taken their seats.
Mew: That was WAY too close. Before we go, we sure we can do this?
Mike: We got this, buddy. You can do it!
Knuckles: Gotta agree with Mike, Mew. You're a lot braver than I thought.
Wario: Money…
Knuckles clocks Wario upside the head.
Wario: Ow…
The lights in the poker room dim, and the murmur of the crowd quiets. A soft, low, yet assertive and confident voice makes an announcement over the speakers.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first night of the Caesar Classic. This year's Grand Prize is the 1,000,000 check you'll see behind the table…
Wario slouches forward and drools.
Wario: Oh baby, don't worry, we'll be together soon…
Knuckles: If you win, promise me you'll spend the money on a good therapist…
Announcer: … this year is a special one for poker fans around the globe, as four special guests will be participating in this grand championship. Please welcome our contest winner, Wario Wario of New Donk City.
The crowd cheers (or at least as loud as a crowd is willing to cheer at an indoor poker game) as the spotlight shines on Wario, standing at the end of the hallway.
Mike: Here goes nothing.
Knuckles: Get out there already!
Wario struts out into the room, his hands making V-shaped victory signs, grinning as he enjoys his time to shine.
Wario: Good luck… to me! Ah-hahahahaha!
Knuckles: Great, he's quoting himself in Toadstool Tour…
Wario takes a seat a few chairs down to a young woman at the table. She coyly smiles as he sits down.
Woman: Good luck to you, mustache.
Wario: Thanks. Get ready to cry when I win, loser! Hahahahaha!
Woman: Oh god…
Knuckles buries his face in his hands.
Announcer: Wario has brought three guests with him as the contest allows. Please welcome his first guest, Knuckles the Echidna, all the way from Angel Island.
The spotlight suddenly turns on Knuckles, whom is seen with his face still in his palm. He perks up in embarrassment as he begins blushing and slowly walking to the table, waving nervously at the crowd. He takes a seat directly across from Wario, giving him the finger under his glove.
Announcer: Followed by next guest, John Mewton.
Mew puts on his sunglasses and wipes all trace of emotion from his face. He nonchalantly walks to the table and sits three seats down from Knuckles, forming a triangle between the three. A chair is left open to let the guys face each other, just like at home. Mew silently signals for Mike to take the seat.
Announcer: And his final guest, originally from the planet Venom in the Lylat System, Leon Powalski.
Mike snickers as the lights shine on him and he makes his way to that particular chair. Deep down inside, he is hoping Leon is watching this on TV somewhere. He takes a look around the table, and realizes that, although some players sit between them, he and his three friends are sitting in the exact same pattern as they do when they play back home.
Announcer: Each of the eight players will begin with 125,000 worth in poker chips. Only one will win and take away all 1,000,000. The game will be no-limit Texas Hold 'Em, nothing wild. Good luck to all competitors.
A well-dressed man approaches the table. He is the owner of Caesar's Palace, and the impartial dealer for the entire championship. In his hands are the nicest deck of cards any of them have ever seen-custom made for his casino, designed specifically for use in this particular tournament.
Dealer: Are we ready, everyone?
All eight players nod in response, and the casino owner begins dealing the hand. A round of betting is expected to take place before the flop is revealed-something Mike absolutely detests. One of his house rules in Slackers is no pre-flop betting, because it's stupid. Fight me.
(Editor: The author has been fought and beaten to a pulp for shamelessly plugging his opinions into the script. The views of the author do not necessarily reflect the integrity of this story or the factual opinions of the publisher. Carry on.)
This is fascism! I will not stand for this, you dictatorial blowhard!
(Editor: Keep your annoying opinions to yourself and write the damn script or we'll unleash a horde of Nicki Minajs singing the Teletubbies theme song on your ass for the rest of your life.)
As I was saying, the wise and logical dealer of the hand calls for the players to place their opening bets.
(Editor: Good author.)
The player to the dealer's immediate left, Kirby, taps his stubby arm against the table.
Kirby: Check.
Kirby looks at the player to his left: a Wii Fit Trainer, looking as out-of-place here as she does in the Super Smash Bros. series, still amazed that Wario of all people has made it to the table. Somehow she's able to utilize tai chi (or however you spell it) into simply tapping her wrist on the table, also signaling she's checking. Next to her is Knuckles, who is carefully and seriously studying the two cards in his hand. They are a two of clubs and a six of hearts. Thinking it's still far too early to consider this hand worth anything at all, he also knocks on the table, shifting attention to Wario, the next player on the table.
Wario looks at his cards and shows restraint at smiling evilly as he looks at his hand-two aces. He then looks at the poker chips in front of him. They are very similar to the chips they use back home, only multiplied by ten. Without hesitation, Wario picks up three black 1,000 chips and sets them in the pot. The audience gasps, all knowing exactly what cards everyone has.
Announcer: And Wario, the contest winner, has officially begun the game with an astounding opening bet of 3,000. He appears confident in his inaugural hand, a pair of aces, before the flop has even been turned over. Let's see how Mr. Game & Watch will react to this bold opening.
Mike looks three seats to his right to see Mr. Game & Watch, a video game character he loathes more than Wario hates IRS audits. G studies his cards briefly, then quickly folds. Audience reaction is minimal since his cards were about as bad as Knuckles'. Next is Mew. He adjusts his glasses and begins studying the other players, comparing their hands to his pair of eights. It's better than Kirby's. Better than the trainer's. He skips over Knuckles and Wario to keep up the sporting agreement with his friends and to avoid suspicion. Nevertheless, he isn't willing to match that kind of ridiculous bet, and he folds.
Announcer: Game & Watch and Mewton have both folded on the pre-flop. This appears to be a lucky start for Wario. Let's see what the next player, Karen, does next.
Mew's ears twitch upon hearing that name. Sitting between him and Mike is a silver-haired woman named Karen. She is a member of the Indigo Plateau Elite Four and specializes in Dark-types, the type super effective against psychics like Mew. Mew grinds his teeth with hatred for Dark-types, and Karen seems to take notice. Mike recognizes her from when he beat the Elite Four and she almost took out Mew, but she doesn't seem to recognize the longtime former Champion of the Indigo League. However, she seems to get the feeling there's going to be more to this hand than just a strong opener.
Karen: Call.
She sets three black chips in the pot and begins studying a surprised-looking Wario.
Announcer: It seems Pokémon legend Karen is the first to dive into the game and call Wario's bet. So far only the two of them are remaining. Let's see what our last player, Leon Powalski, has in mind.
Although he knows nothing about the strategies of the four strangers sitting at the table, his decision is entirely based on the actions of the player who opened the bet. And to his luck, it happens to be his best friend, Wario. He looks at Wario intensely, thinking this is just like playing at home. At the bar, if Wario were to pull this kind of stunt, it meant he either had something really good, or he was trying way too hard to scare people off and start with more money than anyone else. One or the other. But sometimes even Mike can't figure out which one it is. His intuition tells him that he may have something decent, but it's still too early to let that determine the outcome of the hand, and he still stands a chance with his jack and queen of spades. He resists Wario's attempt at scaring him off, and calls the bet, silently throwing in three black chips of his own.
Announcer: And it comes down to Kirby and Wii Fit Trainer after Powalski has matched Wario's bet.
To everyone's extreme shock, Kirby triples Wario's bet, throwing in nine black chips. Wario is completely flabbergasted. Wii Fit Trainer immediately folds, and Wario calls Kirby's raise. Karen matches the bet as well, but Mike tosses in his cards. He may have a shot against Wario with that kind of money, but not three players. With the pot finally straight, the dealer turns the flop, revealing cards that help Karen and Kirby, but not Wario. Kirby opens with a 500 bet, matched by Wario and Karen. The dealer turns over the next card. Again, help for Kirby and Karen, bad news for Wario. Kirby bets 500 again, and Wario retaliates by raising him four black chips, bringing up the bet to 4,500. Karen calls, and Kirby matches Wario's raise.
Finally, the last card is revealed, and all Wario can manage is his pair of aces. Kirby bets 10,000, and the audience gasps in surprise at the amount Kirby is spending in the beginning of the tournament. Wario begrudgingly calls the bet in one final attempt to scare Karen off and increase his chances of winning. She calls. The players flip their cards, revealing a three of a kind from Karen, Wario's embarrassing pair of aces, and a straight from Kirby-all in diamonds.
Announcer: Amazing! Kirby has caused an upset with an opening win with a straight flush! Karen and Wario have begun this tournament with an incredibly rocky start, each losing almost half of their starting amounts! I'd hate to be one of them right now.
Fuming, Wario stands in place and begins screaming at Kirby.
Wario: You little pink tit! That prize is MINE, you hear me?!
Dealer: Mr. Wario, please control yourself, or I'll have you disqualified and permanently banned from the premises.
Knuckles, red in the face, grabs Wario's arm fiercely in an attempt to restrain him.
Knuckles: *under his breath* What the hell do you think you're doing?! Sit down and shut up before you get us all kicked out!
Slowly but surely, Wario calms down and retakes his seat. Kirby intentionally smugs off at Wario. Mike and Mew are relieved that they made it through the first round without getting caught, and their confidence surges.
Announcer: It appears Wario isn't taking the loss very well. He'll have to keep his temper under control if he hopes to continue playing, let alone win his coveted grand prize.
For Wario, the night seems to drag on as he is forced to fold hand after hand. His rare betting only results in an ever-dwindling stack of chips. For the rest of them, the next several hands fly by. Mike and Knuckles are eventually able to begin fully enjoying their situation. Here they are, playing a game they love, at the highest possible level in the universe.
As for Mew, his nerves have calmed considerably. Thanks to his glasses, there isn't a chance of anyone potentially seeing his glowing eyes when he uses his psychic powers to figure out exactly what Kirby, Wii Fit Trainer, Game & Watch, and Karen have. However, every time he reads Karen's hand, a shiver is sent down his spine, almost as if she knows what he's doing and is keeping the secret to herself.
Finally, they make it to the eighth hand of the night. Knuckles, Wii Fit Trainer, G , and Karen have folded, and the dealer is turning over the fifth card. For the first time tonight, Wario has been dealt a very good hand. Two sixes, a seven, an eight, and an ace are on the table. Wario has two eights in his hand, giving him a full house. It's Kirby's turn to open the round, and upon seeing the chance to knock out Wario, whom he considers the most annoying person at the table, he takes a deep breath and goes all-in.
Announcer: It appears Kirby is looking to speed things up tonight, folks. He's the first player to go all-in, cashing in on incredible hand. If Wario calls and loses, however, I formally suggest hiding under your seats until the inevitable carnage has subsided.
Mew, the only one at the table who can hear the announcer, fights the urge to giggle. He covers his mouth and coughs. Wario angrily stares down Kirby. Kirby has turned into a brick to conceal any trace of emotion. Wario takes a look at his hand, then at the cards on the table, then back at his hand. Finally, he dramatically shoves all of his remaining poker chips into the pot.
Wario: All-in. Prepare to cry, cream puff!
Mew and Mike both swiftly fold. Mew adjusts his sunglasses, looks at Wario, then at Kirby. He realizes what Kirby has before revealing his hand, and begins signaling Mike.
Mew: Uh-oh.
Mike: What? What is it?
Mew: If I were you I'd get ready to duck and cover; Wario's about to go nuclear.
Mike: … why?
Mew: You'll see.
Unable to contain his excitement, Wario reveals his full house. Everyone at the table looks impressed… except Kirby. He smiles, and lays down a six. Then another six.
Dealer: Four of a kind. The hand goes to Kirby. Wario Wario, everybody.
Announcer: And it looks like Wario, the contest winner, is the first player eliminated from the tournament. I'd highly recommend heeding my warning, ladies and gentlemen. And to those of you watching at home with your children, might I suggest changing the channel for the next minute or so. Maybe to the news. Or a porno. Even that would still be cleaner than what you're about to see.
At this point, I have to censor what Wario is saying to Kirby. Suffice it to say, it involves poison mushrooms, a practice a polite gentleman would call a "double circumcision," and frequent suggestive allusions to Kirby's mother. It's also the first time Mike has been truly terrified of Wario since they first met in the first grade.
Eventually, a doctor enters the room and sedates Wario by injecting him with something in his arm. It takes the combined strength of everyone at the table to lift up Wario onto a stretcher, and six medical staff to even wheel the damn thing out of the room. Under almost every circumstance, medical professionals would do their job and transport the victim to a proper facility to ensure stabilization and eventual release. However these guys simply chuck him in a ditch. We'll come back to him later. Maybe.
The seven remaining players resume their seats, and poor Knuckles looks the most embarrassed he's ever been in his life.
Dealer: Mr. Echidna? Are you alright?
Knuckles: I swear to all that is good and holy, I've never seen that guy before in my entire life.
Dealer: … okay then. The blinds are doubled, the game remains the same. First round of betting goes to Mr. Mewton. Good luck to all of you.
For a while, the game continues without incident. Mew intentionally sabotages himself every four hands or so to avoid rousing suspicion. However, he keeps catching Karen studying him intently, causing his nerves to begin flaring up as the night goes on. If anyone in the world can stop a psychic Pokémon, it's a dark-type trainer, let alone the most powerful one in the world. Ten hands pass before Kirby's confidence begins to dwindle as he is starting to run dangerously low on chips.
The hand begins, and the flop is revealed to be a pair of eights, hearts and spades, and a Queen of hearts. As Kirby is studying his hand, Mew senses Mike's phone going off in the distance. The players' phones have all been confiscated for the duration of the tournament, and Mew wouldn't normally bother with prying into Mike's stuff with his mind, but he feels this time is worth a mention.
Mew: Mike.
Mike: Yes, Mew?
Mew: You have a text from Misty.
Mike: Uh-oh. Is it serious?
Mew: It just says "SOS - Call me ASAP"
Mike: Shit. I can't get to it right now. I hope everything's okay.
Mew: I have a feeling it won't be long before we break for the night.
Mike: I hope so.
Dealer: Mr. Mewton?
Mew: Huh-what?
Dealer: The bet goes to you, sir. Kirby has opened with 750.
Mew: Oh, um, fold.
Dealer: Alright then.
Mew sees that Karen has folded, and he quickly discards his hand, but Mike raises Kirby's bet by tossing in a green 250 chip, bringing the total to 1,000. Kirby and Wii Fit Trainer call the raise, and after looking at his cards one more time, Knuckles politely folds. The next two cards are revealed to be a nine and a Jack, both in hearts.
Mike: Mew, what do Kirby and trainer have?
Mew: Let's see… Kirby has two eights, so another four of a kind for him there. Trainer has a king and a ten… both hearts.
Mike: Oh boy.
Kirby proudly reveals his second four of a kind of the evening. The faceless Wii Fit Trainer emotionlessly reveals her hand-a straight flush.
Mew: Too bad Wario's not here, he'd love this.
Mike: I have a feeling this is gonna be good.
Angry at being eliminated, Kirby hops on the table and begins using his suction power to promptly eat Wii Fit Trainer.
Mew: O_O
Mike: Holy crap, wasn't expecting that!
Dealer: Security! We need an emergency extraction!
The SWAT team enters the room and begins fighting Kirby. He knocks out two of the guards before one of them finally manages to get a burlap sack around him. They tie up the sack, take it outside, and toss Kirby into an armored truck. The truck quickly drives away to lord knows where.
Mew: That was really disturbing.
Knuckles: Okay, I actually don't know that freak…
Announcer: And Kirby seems to be keeping up with a new tradition of completely overreacting to being eliminated, taking Wii Fit Trainer right along with him. This means we're down to five remaining players-Knuckles, Game & Watch, Karen, Mewton, and Powalski.
Mew: I keep forgetting you're using Leon's name.
Mike: It'll be worth it.
Dealer: Alright everyone, because we've just lost two players, the blinds will now be multiplied by four. I feel like I shouldn't have to ask this, but I will anyway. Should you be eliminated, please do not eat your opponents or suddenly become the most bad-tempered, vulgar-mouthed creature ever to have roamed the Earth. Let's begin.
Nine more hands pass. With the blinds as high as they are, the leaderboard is constantly changing. Knuckles had been on top during Kirby's elimination, followed by Mike, Karen, Mew, and Game & Watch. G has been eliminated, becoming the first player to depart in cordial fashion. He is given a standing ovation for his composure, but Mew is having to calm down Mike's mind, which is running amok with hateful words that would make Wario look like a Disney Princess.
Finally, on the tenth hand, four cards are exposed on the table, and Mike and Karen are the only ones who haven't folded. Karen has raised and raised again, attempting to coax Mike to go all-in.
Mike: I may be in trouble here, Mew. If I call this bet that's the last of my money. If I win then we have a real shot at knocking her out, but if she wins I'm a goner.
Mew: What do you have?
Mike: Including the cards on the table, a flush with mostly face cards. What about her?
Mew attempts to read Karen's hand. His response is, to say the least, not what Mike was expecting.
Mew: I don't know.
Mike: … what do you mean, you don't know?
Mew: I don't know! For some reason I can't get a reading on them. I think she might be onto me.
Mike: What? How?!
Mew: She has team of Level 100 dark types. And if what they say is true about trainer and Pokémon sharing characteristics, she might have found a way to block my psychic powers from affecting her!
Mike gulps as quietly as possible. He attempts to study Karen's poker face through his aviators, but, like Mew, he is finding her impossible to read. He finally decides to take the plunge and hope to eliminate the last threat to their prize, and pushes the last of his chips into the pot.
Mike: All-in.
The hand is over. Mike reveals his flush before wiping his sweaty hands on his pant legs. However, he is completely devastated to learn that Karen also has a flush, with her highest face card being an Ace, beating his King.
Announcer: And it looks like it's game over for Leon Powalski as he barely comes up short, eliminating him from the tournament.
Dealer: Congratulations for making it this far, Mr. Powalski. Thank you for playing. And thank you for not disemboweling your fellow competitors.
Mike: Um, yeah, sure. No problem.
Mike stands up and walks away, his head hanging. He is able to leave peacefully and quietly, but he is now completely paranoid. Not only do they now have a chance at losing, but they might be in danger of their scam being found out. Mike and Mew exchange worried looks as he makes his way into the audience.
Announcer: With that, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to wrap this up for the night. We are down to three players remaining-Knuckles, Karen, and Mewton. When we continue tomorrow, one of them will walk away with the 1,000,000 grand prize and a place in the Caesar's Palace Hall of Fame. Be here tomorrow for the exciting conclusion. We'll see you then, everyone. Good night!
Knuckles, Karen and Mew stand up, pick up their bags they left at the security gate, and head for the hallway they used to enter the room. Mike meets them in another isolated hallway, far away from any sort of detection, to go over the plan from here on out.
Mike: How are you guys doing?
Knuckles: I'm fine, but I don't get it. How did you get knocked out, Mike?
Karen: You can thank me for that.
Startled, the guys turn around to find Karen slowly walking their way.
Karen: I know what you boys are up to. Only a psychic-type Pokémon trainer would sink so low as to sabotage a high-stakes poker tournament.
Mike: Look, lady. I have no idea what you're talking about.
Karen: Drop the innocent act. You can't possibly expect me not to remember the legendary four-time Champion Mihalis of Saffron City, can you?
The guys freeze in place. A nervous, yet solemn look befalls Mike's face. He removes his aviators and looks at Karen.
Karen: It's been a long time, Mike.
Mike: Seems that way. You still on the Elite Four?
Karen: Yes, but I've had to repick my team. My original Pokémon from when you were champion are all Level 100 now. Lance has a problem with my being so overpowered, no one can defeat me.
Mike: Can't say I blame the guy. How is Lance?
Karen: He's fine. Look, we can catch up later. Right now I'm here to tell you guys to back off, or else.
Mike: Or else what?
Karen: This.
Somehow, Karen has managed to teach herself the Pokémon move Dark Pulse. She places her fingers on her forehead, and Mew collapses to the floor.
Mew: Aaaaaaghh!
Mike: Mew!
Mew reverts to his real form against his will, and Karen ends her dark attack. He is in a fetal position on the ground, groaning in pain. Mike immediately gets on his knees and puts his hand on Mew's forehead as the Pokémon breathes rapidly, badly hurt and completely out of energy.
Mike: How in the holy name of Arceus did you do that?!
Karen: You should know better than anyone, Mihalis. When you train multiple elements of Pokémon, you become very skilled in all varieties. But when you choose to become a professional type specialist, you become so powerful, you learn to unlock the powers of your type and utilize them yourself. Look at Sabrina in Saffron City, your old hometown. She has psychic powers of her own.
Karen looks down coldly at the shivering Mew on the floor. She is clearly sure of her dominion over him, but she emotes a faint trace of pain and guilt. Mew, never one to appear wimpy, tries to soften the blow.
Mew: It's… super effective…
Karen: I should have known you'd have your Mew enter a gambling contest for your favor. You're no different than when you were Champion.
Mike: What does that say about you, then?! Here you are using supernatural powers to block and viciously attack my Mew! Cheating in poker is one thing, but I would never hurt you or your Pokémon like that!
Knuckles: Speak for yourself…
Knuckles scowls and grinds his knuckles, looking like he's ready to deliver her a punch worthy of Captain Falcon.
Karen: It's for your own good, Mihalis. Get out of this tournament and get out of Las Vegas, or you'll regret it.
Karen leaves the hallway, and walks back toward the main corridors of the hotel. Too concerned to watch her walk away, Mike rifles through his backpack and finds a Full Restore. He sprays it on Mew, and Mew slowly sits up, stretching his arms, looking absolutely rattled.
Mew: I've taken hits of all kinds in my life, but nothing could've prepared me for THAT…
Mike: Are you okay, Mew?
Mew: I will be. I don't know about you guys, but I for one don't want to stick around long enough to find out what her definition of "regret" is!
Mike: I'm with you. No amount of money is worth that.
Knuckles closes his eyes and folds his arms.
Knuckles: I don't know, guys. I agree about the money thing, but think about it. If we stick this thing out and win, I can't think of a better way of getting revenge on that psycho for what she did to Mew.
Speechless, Mike and Mew look at Knuckles, then at each other. These two are about as close as you can get, and they're able to read each other's emotions in ways that transcend even telepathy. Mike can tell Mew has just undergone a major ordeal and isn't the least bit interested in repeating it, but something in his eyes speaks even louder volumes—a desire to finish what he started, avenge himself on the dark trainer, and score the cash they set out to win together.
In turn, Mew looks at Mike. He can tell how worried and concerned he is for his well-being and safety. While he is touched by this, he knows that as a team they can accomplish anything. A cheesy flashback of their adventures together plays. But you can't see it, since all I'm allowed to make here is text. They nod at each other and look at Knuckles.
Knuckles: I don't know what in holy hell is going on here, but we'd better get going and find Wario before you two start making out.
Mike stands back up and puts his backpack back on. After the effects of the Full Restore have kicked in, Mew resumes his human form. Knuckles peeks around the corner—no sign of Karen.
Knuckles: Come on, he's probably in a ditch behind the hotel.
Mew: I think I can find him. Follow me, guys.
Mew puts his sunglasses on and uses Odor Sleuth to find Wario. They make their way down a few hallways to find a door leading outside. Once they're behind the building, the stench intensifies. Wario can't be far.
Mew: Waaariooo!
Mike: War! Where are you?
Knuckles: Heeere, fatass fatass fatass fatass…
Knuckles hears groaning, and quickly looks to his right. Wario is leaning against a wall, finally waking up after being comatose from his forced sedative.
Knuckles: I found 'im!
Mike: Whew!
Mew: I wonder if he's okay…
Wario looks at Knuckles and furrows his eyebrows.
Wario: I swear, after I squash that stupid little pink puffball, you're next, Knuckles.
Mike: Yep. He's fine.
Wario: What happened, anyway?
Mike: Kirby got knocked out, ate Wii Fit Trainer, and got thrown in a solitary confinement jail on wheels.
Wario: Hah! That's better than anything I could've done to him.
Knuckles: You're actually thinking clearly? Maybe I should get the recipe from that doctor.
Wario: Whatever. Then what?
Mike: Knux and Mew are the only ones left-well, and the complete psychopath sitting between us.
Wario: Karen? She seemed perfectly normal to me…
Mike: You didn't see her find us on the way here and use a fucking dark-type Pokémon move to almost kill Mew.
Wario quickly shakes his head, and his eyes open wide in shock.
Wario: Wait, you mean she's THAT Karen?!
Mike nods. Mew shudders.
Wario: Don't tell me she's onto us and managed to knock you out of the game.
Mike: … Okay.
Wario: Great. Now what are we gonna do?
Mike: I don't know. We feel like we can't let her get away with what she did, but I don't want Mew getting hurt again.
Wario: And the million bucks?
Knuckles: I think these guys are more hell-bent on vengeance than money, now.
Wario: Then we have to stick it out! Stealing that kind of money from her-someone who might actually need it-sounds like a good revenge idea to me!
Mike worryingly looks at Mew. Mew responds by looking deep in thought for a few seconds, then he turns to Mike and smiles.
Mew: I'm in. She's going down!
Knuckles: That's what I'm talking about!
Wario: Money…
Knuckles kicks Wario where the sun don't shine, and he falls to the ground in about as much pain as Mew had been in.
Mike: You guys head back to the villa. We're going to have to play fair now that we know Mew's abilities won't work on Karen.
Knuckles: Copy that. Where are you going?
Mike: I need to make a phone call. Misty sent me a message with some kind of emergency during the game.
Wario: What, did the Gentle Doctors come for her, too?
Mike: Yep. That's why she's now being drugged, thrown into alleys, and racked by echidnas—oh wait.
Wario: ...
Mew, Knuckles, and a limping Wario walk back around the building and out of sight, bound for the villa. Mike pulls out his phone, sits on the ground where Wario had been, and leans up against the wall before calling Misty. The phone rings for five seconds, and a pajama-clad Misty answers the phone.
Misty: What the hell took you so long?!
Mike: Sorry, we had an incident after the game we had to take care of, but we're fine. What's going on? Are you okay?
Misty: Do I LOOK okay?!
Mike: Geez, just asking…
Misty: Mike, Mika's missing!
His heart sinks like a boulder to the bottom of the ocean.
Mike: What? For how long?
Misty: I woke up again after you left and couldn't find her anywhere.
Mike: That's crazy! She can't have gone far, it's not like Mika to just up and wander off like that.
Misty: Tell that to Mika!
Mike: Alright Mis… thanks for letting me know. We actually got pretty far tonight so they're planning on ending the whole game tomorrow. The second we're done, we'll warp straight back there and look for her.
Misty takes a deep breath and calms down. Her anger subsides and she becomes overwhelmed with sadness.
Misty: Alright… just keep me posted, okay?
Mike: Will do. Promise.
Misty: You're not enjoying Vegas too much without me, are you?
Mike: I'm not. Believe me, I'm definitely not.
He is, of course, thinking about the incident with Karen and Mew, but with Mika missing, he decides to keep the details of the attack to himself for now.
Mike: I gotta go. Let me know if you find out anything, okay?
Misty: I will. Love you.
Mike: Love you too.
Mike hangs up the call and puts his phone away. Still sitting on the ground, he looks up at the stars, a universe of trouble on his mind. His scheme is in danger—and, more importantly, so is Mew—and his Pikachu is nowhere to be found. He lights a cigarette, closes his eyes, and leans against the wall. About ten minutes of silence pass before his phone rings again. He pulls it out of his pocket to see a picture of himself and Wario, wasted out of their minds, with lampshades on their heads and pitchers in their hands. He answers the call to find Wario on the other end.
Mike: What's up?
Wario: Are you coming up here or not? It's almost midnight and we need to rest up before we beat that bimbo in poker tomorrow!
Mike: Hm? Oh, sorry. I got distracted. I'll be up in a few minutes.
Wario: Okay. Knuckles ordered some beer and pizza, and we're watching a movie. Got an empty chair here with your name on it.
Mike: Alright. Thanks, bud. I'm on my way.
He hangs up, flicks his cigarette into a nearby puddle, and stands up. He then finds his way back into the hotel, through the lobby and the casino to the elevators, and up to the villa. There, the lights are dim, and his friends are sitting in their chairs watching their movie. When the door opens, Mew, looking like Mew again, hovers up and flies over to the beer and pizza, where he telekinetically prepares a tray for Mike. Mike sits where Mew had been sitting, and his tray of pizza and beer magically lands in his lap.
Mike: Thanks, Mew.
Mew: Hey, what's going on? You look like you're miles away.
Mike: Don't worry about it. Let's just enjoy our last night in Vegas by actually taking it easy. We have a big, interesting day tomorrow.
Knuckles: It'll be tough, but Mew and I can handle it. Just make sure you stock up on supplies in case Karen tries to pull another fast one.
Mike: I hope you're right, Knux…
Mike looks at his Mew, curled up on the carpeted floor. Although he looks fine, he can sense that deep down, his little Pokémon is terrified of what might happen should they fail.
Mike: I hope you're right…
The next evening…
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the second half of our poker tournament. Last night we began with eight players, and five of them have since been eliminated. Tonight, we're down to our final three: Knuckles the Echidna, John Mewton, and Karen of Indigo Plateau. The remaining competitors appear to be among the most sane of the original lot, so if you came here to enjoy a friendly high-stakes game of poker, enjoy the show. If you were expecting more round-the-clock carnage and mayhem, then you really shouldn't have been here in the first place and ought to be ashamed of yourself.
A staffer walks up to the announcer and whispers in his ear to shut up and just get on with it.
Announcer: Right. Anyway, the players are taking their seats as the dealer approaches the table to begin tonight's part of the championship.
The layout of the table is slightly different to accommodate the smaller crowd. The dealer is facing away from the crowd. On the left side is Knuckles, cracking his knuckles. On the back side is an empty chair where Mew is about to take his seat. Karen is on the right side, cautiously eyeing Mew as he approaches. Clearly she's none too thrilled about her failure to scare him off. When he gets close enough and walks behind her, she talks at a volume only he can hear.
Karen: You'd better think about what you're doing. Win this tournament, and I'll be forced to do something I REALLY don't want to do.
Mew gulps, but keeps silent. He sits down and adjusts his chair to sit closer to the table.
Dealer: Welcome back to everyone. Your chip counts are the same as they were at the break last night. The game is the same-no limit Texas Hold 'Em, nothing wild. Good luck to all three of you.
Mew scans the audience for Mike and Wario. He finds them sitting in the fourth row, giving him all their attention.
Wario: Money…
Well, most of their attention.
Mike: Mew! Mew, can you hear me?
Mew directs his face towards his newly-dealt cards, careful to keep Mike in his peripheral vision.
Mew: Loud and clear. What's up?
Mike: The audience can see the cards the players have. That means I can tell you what Karen is up to.
Mew: That's great! I'm totally freaking out over here. I need to focus on the game… if she sees me trying to read her, I can't risk her giving me another Dark Pulse. It's basically the Mew equivalent of setting a Bellsprout on fire.
Mike: Don't worry about her. Like you said, focus on your game. I'll keep my eye on her and let you know if she tries anything funny.
Mew nods, and the dealer directs his attention to Knuckles, the player to his immediate left.
Dealer: Opening bet goes to you, Mr. Echidna.
Knuckles looks at his crappy cards. Without hesitation, he taps his knuckles on the table, signaling a check.
Mike: I didn't even think to ask, Wario. I'm surprised they let you back in, even in the audience. How'd you pull that off?
Wario: I bribed the security guard by telling him I knew the three players, and I could give him half of the prize money if he let me in.
Mike: You didn't actually mean that, did you?
Wario: Of course not! What sort of idiot do you take me for?
Mike stares blankly at Wario.
Wario: Don't even think about answering that question.
Mike: Shut up, I need to focus on Mew. You concentrate on grabbing that giant check if Karen attacks him again.
Wario: Now that's a job worthy of Wario!
Wario beats his chest and grins. Mike lets out an exasperated sigh and looks back at Mew.
Mike: Okay, we can't afford to be sporting anymore, pal. Knuckles has a three of diamonds and an eight of clubs. Karen has two queens. If she bets higher than 500 on the pre-flop, fold like your life depends on it.
Mew: My life DOES depend on it, dick!
Mike: Calm down. I'm trying to save your hide, remember?
Luckily, Karen checks immediately after Mew. This hand turns out to be about as anticlimactic as it gets, as bets are kept small, and Knuckles wins with a two pair.
Mike: You're doing good so far. Just stay focused.
The next five hands go on for what feels like hours. Finally, Karen places a 50,000 bet-enough to make Knuckles have to go all-in if he wants to call. Three of the cards on the table are of the same suit, and she could very easily have the flush. Knuckles focuses and tries to read his opponent's poker face as carefully as he can.
Dealer: Mr. Echidna, that's all-in to you if you want to call Karen's bet.
Mew: Mike, what does she have? Does she have the flush?
Mike: Yes! She has an ace and a king, there's no way he could possibly beat that! We've gotta get Knuckles to fold!
Mew: Damn… I'm trying to signal him, but it doesn't seem to be working!
Mike: I think Misty was right when she said the whole mind-speak thing only works reliably with you and me because of our connection. Besides, nothing gets through to that knucklehead.
Mew: Please, Knuckles… fold! For Arceus' sake, fold!
Mike and Mew watch in anticipation, both breaking a sweat, as Knuckles contemplates his next move. He has a ten and a jack, and the guys know it. However, he has no way of knowing for sure whether it'll be enough to beat Karen and stay in the game. Finally, to the eternal horror of his friends, he makes his terminal decision.
Knuckles: All in.
Karen reveals her slightly better flush, and Knuckles is officially eliminated from the game.
Announcer: And there you have it, Knuckles the Echidna is now out of the competition. We're down to our two finalists, Karen and Mewton.
Karen: This is your last chance, "Mewton." Throw the game, or tuck your tail between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.
Mew: *gulp*
Knuckles walks up to an usher, looking like he's asking him a question. The usher escorts Knuckles through the rows of seats, and directs him to the empty chair next to Mike.
Wario: Knuckles, you incompetent, imbecilic piece of garbage!
Knuckles: Hey, at least I made it this far. I didn't go around screaming about Kirby's-
Mike: Shut up, Knux. I need to focus on Mew, remember?
Mike points to the TV above the audience, displaying the players' hands.
Knuckles: You mean you knew I would have lost?! Why didn't you signal me?!
Mike: Don't even think about acting like we didn't try. Your head's so dense you could cut diamonds with it.
The hand begins, and ends in another boring reveal. Karen wins with a two pair. Mew wins the next one with three nines, and the following one with King high after Karen folds with a ten high. Mike continues to keep Mew up to speed on Karen's cards, but they are intentionally losing a few so no one else will be suspicious. Sure enough, the plan is working, and her stack of chips is slowly dwindling. Clearly she's getting frustrated, silently threatening Mew after every loss.
Mew: Mike, I think we're gonna pull this off!
Mike: I think you're right! You've lost enough for anyone to think we're playing fair. I say it's time to hit hard with a bunch of wins!
Mew: We're gonna do it! We're gonna-
And just like that, Mew's thought process is interrupted by total disaster. A loud rumble is heard coming from outside, and the power goes out. Lights, PA, everything. Everyone else in the room seems a little concerned about how this will affect the tournament, but otherwise they are generally unfazed. The announcer is able to talk over everyone and bring them up to speed.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the technical difficulties. We have crews working to restore the power grid, and we should be back up and running within the next two minutes. Please be patient as we work through this problem.
Mew: Me and my big brain…
Mike: Don't worry. As soon as the power comes back on, we're home free.
Soon enough, the power eventually does come back on. The lights, the PA, almost everything…
Except for the fried TVs above the audience.
Mike: Oh, no.
Mew: … what happened?
Mike: The TVs are shot. I can't help you!
Mew is petrified with fear. While he is only two or so wins away from knocking Karen out and winning the grand prize, he now has absolutely no way to read her cards. The game is now completely up to chance.
Knuckles: … that's not good.
Mike: Okay… okay… we can still do this. Mew is way ahead, and he's a good enough poker player to win this the fair way.
Wario: I'm still grabbing that check whether he wins or not!
Mike: If you don't want us all to get arrested, you'll wait for my cue.
Wario: Fine, but I still think you're making this way more complicated than it needs to be.
Mew: Oh god. Oh god. I'm gonna die… POOR!
Mike rolls his eyes.
Mike: Just hang in there and focus. I'm still here if you need support. Just do your best and pretend you're playing against Wario. I know you have the confidence you need. You can win this!
Mew looks like he's about to cry. Knuckles and Wario think it's fear. Mike can't tell if it really is fear, or a reaction to his trainer's undying support. With (almost) everything back in working order, Mew and Karen receive their cards. Mew has two aces. Karen has two kings. The turned-over cards are an ace, a king, a six, and a three. After rounds of intense betting, Mew winds the hand, leaving a fuming Karen down to her last 100,000 compared to Mew's 900k. Mike, Knuckles, and Wario have to restrain themselves from jumping out of their seats and cheering; and seeing Karen nervous gives Mew the boost of confidence he needs.
Finally, it's time for what could be the deciding hand of the tournament. Mew receives a ten and a jack of spades. He opens with 10,000, which is called by Karen. The dealer turns over the first three cards: a two of hearts, a seven of clubs, and a Queen of spades. Mew realizes what this means. Either he is going to end up with a completely garbage hand, or there's the miniscule chance he could win the entire championship with the highest-ranking hand in poker. Mew opens with another 20,000, and Karen raises him another 10,000. She is now down to her last 60,000 in chips. The entire audience is on the edge of their seats in anticipation, as they can't tell what cards the players have.
Knuckles: I don't often say this, but the anticipation is killing me.
Mike: Mew's either gonna get a crap hand, or if he's insanely lucky, a royal flush.
Wario: Money…
Knuckles: You're just deliberately trying to annoy me now, aren't you?
Wario: Hehe.
Knuckles: Dumbass.
The dealer turns over the fourth card. The King of Spades. Mew begins sweating, and after a few seconds of intentional delay, he bets 20,000. To his shock, Karen raises him another 10,000. She could have the cards necessary to stay in the game. Mike begins tapping his foot about twenty times per second. Knuckles is deep in meditation, trying to calm down. And Wario is more fixated on that giant check than ever. Karen removes her sunglasses and looks grimly at Mew.
Karen: Remember. If you win this, you'll never see the light of day again.
Mew: That's a little dark coming from you, don't you think?
Karen: Try me. I dare you.
The dealer moves his hand to the deck. The next five seconds are playing at about one-tenth speed in Mew's mind. It all comes down to this one, final card. If it's the Ace of Spades, he will win the tournament. The dealer's hand hovers above the deck. Mew is sweating. The hand lands on the deck. His foot is tapping even faster than Mike's. The card is swiped, facing the dealer. And soon, the moment of truth arrives. The card is-
(Editor: We interrupt this script to inform you that the writer has passed out from giving himself a heart attack due to an overwhelming amount of suspense in the script. That he's writing. Under his control. Yeah, we don't get it either. We realize this is right in the middle of the most important part of this already way-too-long episode, but sometimes, even these things are beyond our control. Please bear with us while we attempt to resuscitate the author.)
(…)
(…)
(…)
(Editor: Thanks to an Electrode that happened to be rolling this way, the author has been shocked back into consciousness, but the angry ball looks like it's about to explode any minute. Excuse us while we get the hell out of here and leave the author to potential doom. Carry on.)
Announcer: And the river card is the ace of spades! I don't believe it, the odds of one of the players having a chance at ending the game on a royal flush are astronomical! We could very well be witnessing poker history!
Mew: OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD-
Mike: WHAAAAAAAAAT?!
Exercising the most restraint he is physically capable of, Mew waits for about a minute, looking at his cards, and the cards on the table, still having to convince himself he isn't dreaming. Finally, with one last, dramatic swoosh, he pushes thirty black chips into the middle of the table.
Mew: Thirty. Thousand.
Karen casually leans back, closes her eyes, and smiles calmly. She knows Mew has the winning hand, and she understands no matter how hard she tries, somehow he will be able to find a way to win the money. Her passion for winning is dwarfed by her passion for exposing Mew. And as far as she's concerned, that time happens to be right around the corner. She quickly sighs and pushes her entire pile of chips into the table-just enough to call Mew's bet.
Karen: All in. I call.
She reveals her cards-two Aces, giving her a three of a kind. But she knows she's not enough. Mew holds his cards up, their backs facing the audience. And in another dramatic moment, he slowly rotates the cards into plain sight. A royal flush. Mew has won the poker tournament. The audience leaps up and cheers, and Mike, Wario, and even Knuckles are jumping and shouting and hugging each other. Immediately they run out of the stands over to the table. Mike and Knuckles take Mew's side as quickly as possible for both celebratory and protection purposes, and Wario makes like lightning for the giant check.
However, Karen has other plans. She politely asks the announcer to borrow his microphone.
Karen: Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention for one moment, please?
No effect. She waits one minute, and makes another attempt.
Karen: Could I please have everyone's attention? I have an important announcement to make.
The crowd's raucous behavior subsides, and the guys quickly realize what's going on.
Mike: Mew, we need to get the hell out of here. Now.
Mew makes absolutely no response.
Mike: MEW. NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME.
Mew: Mike… I can't move!
Mike: Oh no…
Karen: Everyone, the championship you've witnessed tonight is an absolute sham. While most of us came here with the intention of playing a friendly game for some prize money, others decided to take matters to a new low in their pursuit of cash.
Everyone looks confused, but at least she has their attention.
Karen: The man who has just "won" the tournament isn't a man at all.
She looks at Mew, and emits a powerful Dark Pulse, stronger than the one before. Mew screams in pain, and Mike and Knuckles struggle to keep him on his feet. However, when enough damage has been done, Mew can no longer maintain his façade. He reverts to his true form, and the audience gasps in shock.
Karen: What you see here is none other than the rare, legendary psychic Pokémon, Mew.
Reactions are polarized. A small few are excited at the opportunity to see such a rare Pokemon. Some are speechless. But the majority are, frankly, pissed. A swarm of boos overwhelms the room. Mew is still writhing in agony as the Dark Pulse continues. Finally, Karen snaps her fingers, and the attack stops. On the verge of fainting, Mew lands in his trainer's arms, struggling to move.
Mike: Mew…
Karen: That's right. Mew. This thing and its trainer, known throughout Kanto and Johto as Mihalis of Saffron City, entered this contest to sabotage it and win the money for themselves.
Within seconds, the majority of the crowd is getting ready to swarm the room, intent on bringing Mew and his friends to justice.
Mike: Knuckles! Wario! Mew's hurt bad, we need to get out of here yesterday!
The trio promptly runs to find an exit, but every doorway and hallway has been blocked off. Realizing they're about to be backed into a corner, Knuckles begins pounding a wall at full force. Wario rushes to help by body slamming into the same wall. Rubble begins falling from the ceiling. Their escape plan is working, but the crowd is in hot pursuit.
Knuckles: We almost got this, but we need more time!
Mike looks at Mew in horror.
Mike: My god… what have I done?
Wario: Feel sorry for yourself later, Mike! We need to get the hell out of here!
Knowing there is only one surefire way to keep Mew safe, he reaches into the side pocket of his backpack and takes out a purple spherical capsule-Mew's Master Ball. It hasn't been used in years, but he knows Mew will be safe from further harm. He taps the weak Pokemon's forehead with it, a red beam shoots out at Mew, and he is transformed into a warm red energy that is encapsulated in the ball. Mike pushes the front button to shrink down the Poke Ball and keep it in his pocket. He begins throwing the weight of his body against the same wall.
Knuckles: Shit! They're getting closer!
A fire burns in Wario's eyes, and he slams the wall harder than ever.
Wario: IT'S *slam* A-ME, *slam* WARIO!
With one final slam, a portion of the wall collapses, leading directly outside. They run as fast as nature will let them, desperately trying to escape the angry mob. They charge through yards and fences, sparing no expense making their getaway. Finally they see a railroad crossing, a train in hot pursuit. With milliseconds to spare, they run directly in front of the train before it passes. The blaring train cuts them off from the mob, left there to shout and curse. The guys have successfully escaped.
Knuckles: Look, we can hide over there!
Knuckles points out the same alley they initially teleported to when they first arrived in Las Vegas. They duck into the alley, hide behind a dumpster, and peek around it for any trace of the mob. They are nowhere in sight.
Knuckles: Whew. I think we lost 'em.
Mike: I'm glad we did. It's a shame we couldn't grab the prize after all that effort, but I'm just happy to be alive.
Wario: Oh, didn't we?
Mike and Knuckles look upon Wario in amazement as he reaches into his pants and pulls out the giant 1,000,000 dollar check.
Mike: Wario, you did it! Way to go!
Knuckles: Am I the only one who finds it weird that our hard-earned prize is covered in hot, sweaty Wario?
Mike: No. Not by a long shot. But at this point I couldn't care less.
They all sit down and catch their breath. Wario looks like he's about to pass out. Knuckles looks up the wall, trying to decide if scaling it for a better view would be a good idea. He ultimately decides against it. Mike sits down, holding the Master Ball in his shaking hands.
Knuckles: How's Mew?
Mike: I don't know. He didn't look so good when we left.
Knuckles: I think we're safe from any more danger. Maybe it'd be a good idea to let him out and heal him now.
Unable to bring himself to words, Mike pushes the button on the ball and holds it straight out. A bright light emerges, and Mew materializes in Mike's lap, looking closer to death than he ever has.
Mike: Mew… I'm sorry…
Mew: Did… did we win?
Mike nods and smiles.
Mike: No, Mew. You won. You did it, buddy.
Mew whimpers in pain, but manages a sarcastic-looking smile.
Mew: Take that Karen, you bitch...
Mike hugs his Mew, casting all concern about mushy appearances to the wind. Wario and Knuckles are just as happy to see Mew alive and well as Mike is. However, there is one more person in the alley who isn't so keen on seeing the guys get their way.
Voice: Now now, it's not nice to call people names.
Mike, Wario, and Knuckles quickly direct their views to the darkest corner of the alley.
Mike, Wario & Knuckles: KAREN?!
Wario: How the hell did you find us?!
Karen: Oh, please. I knew you guys would try to escape here. Even in an alley, using Teleport to arrive in a busy city is a pretty conspicuous thing to do.
Mike: Fine. So you got us. What do you want?
Karen: Give me that check, and I'll heal your Mew and be on my way.
Mike: You swear?
Karen: As a member of the Elite Four.
Wario: No good, lady!
Wario bravely stands between Karen and the others, holding out his hands as if to shield them.
Mike: Wario? You're… you're willing to fight her to help us?
Wario: Bite me, I gotta protect the money!
Knuckles: There it is.
Mike: Wario, just give her the check. What good is a million bucks if it means risking Mew's life?
Wario: Mew means a great deal to me, too, but NO ONE is going to get between me and my money!
Karen: Suit yourself.
Karen flips her hair over her head, landing behind her shoulder. She then reaches for a Poke Ball clipped to her belt.
Mike: Now you've done it.
Wario: You can't scare me!
Karen: I beg to differ. Go, Houndoom!
She tosses out the ball, and out comes her Level 100 Houndoom. About as strong as it gets for non-legendary dark types.
Wario: Oh yeah? And what's your horny little fire pooch gonna do to get through me?
Karen: Flamethrower.
Houndoom unleashes a powerful flamethrower on Wario.
Wario: Good… answer…
He collapses to the ground.
Karen: I suggest handing over that check now.
Wario: No… not… gonna… Mike!
Mike's left eyebrow raises as he looks at a crispy Wario.
Wario: Catch!
Wario reaches into his pants and pulls out a Poke Ball. He tosses it to a stunned Mike, and he catches it with his right hand. His left hand is still holding the Master Ball, and he looks down at Mew.
Mike: You'd better get back in, Mew.
Mew: You don't have to tell me twice…
Mike recalls Mew into his Master Ball, and files it away in his pocket. He then stands up, runs over to Wario's side, and faces Karen.
Mike: I'd have happily done whatever you wanted if you hadn't nearly killed my best friend twice and make Wario the main course at a barbecue!
Wario: You're welcome for the Poke Ball, jackass…
A surge of overwhelming nostalgia comes over Mike as he poses in a combat stance. He tosses out the Poke Ball and is overjoyed at the result. Standing there in front of him, ready to battle, is his missing Pikachu.
Mike: Mika!
Mika: Pika! Pi-pikachu!
Mika looks over her shoulder and winks at Mike reassuringly.
Mike: Karen. This isn't like you. The Elite Four trainer I knew was never this obsessed with materialism. You're giving Wario a run for his money (and I mean that phrase literally).
Karen: Look, Mike. I really don't want to hurt you or your Pokémon. But there are a lot of things going on you don't understand.
Mike: All I understand is this badass dark trainer I loved back at Indigo is ambushing me and my friends, all for a lousy check! Mika! Shock that overgrown mutt!
Mika: Pi-ka-chuuuuu!
Although she expects Houndoom to be quick enough to dodge the oncoming attack, Mika's Thunderbolt hits it at full blast.
Wario: Well, that was shocking.
Knuckles: Don't. Even. Start.
Wario: Okay, okay. Geez.
Houndoom shakes off the jolt, clearly depleted of a large amount of energy, and looks at Mika like it's ready to pounce.
Karen: Houndoom, Crunch!
Houndoom charges toward Mika, and the brave little Pikachu barely jumps out of the way.
Karen: Take down!
Mike: Agility!
Mika devotes all her energy to avoiding the charging Houndoom's extreme tackles. At one point, she trips, and bears the full brunt of the attack. Thankfully, Mika is able to land on her feet.
Mika: Pi… ka… Pikachu!
Mike: Hah! You're not the only one here with an arsenal of Level 100s, Karen!
Karen: Argh… Houndoom! Use Dark Pulse!
Mike: Mika, look out!
Houndoom's Dark Pulse is about as powerful as its trainer's. Mika is unable to escape the blast of raw energy. It isn't as effective on her since, as an electric type, her matchup with dark doesn't really bring anything interesting to the matchup table. But she is still struggling to keep her ground, trying to inch closer to Houndoom.
Mike: Hang in there, Mika!
Karen: Finish it, Houndoom!
As Houndoom is preparing to deal a finishing blow, something happens away from the battle. Mike feels a buzzing in his pocket. Thinking it's his phone, he ignores it and keeps his focus on his heroic Pikachu. Finally, a burst of light erupts from his pocket, and a very weak, yet angry looking Mew emerges.
Mike: Mew! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Without responding with words, Mew clenches his fists, eyes tightly shut, and he begins charging another form of energy in front of himself. Mike, Wario, Knuckles and Karen gaze at Mew in amazement. After ten seconds of charging, Mew shouts his own name—his native tongue—and unleashes a Hyper Beam upon the distracted, unsuspecting Houndoom.
Karen: No!
Wario: Wonder how Mew went from being a zombie to really… hyper.
Knuckles punches Wario hard enough to send him flying into a wall.
Wario: I had that one coming…
He collapses on the ground once again.
Mike: Oh, wow…
Mika: Piiikaaaaa…
Houndoom struggles to get up, but ultimately faints. Karen falls to her knees, holds out a Poke Ball, and recalls Houndoom. The last of his energy used up, Mew finally faints, and begins falling straight to the ground. Mike and Mika run at full speed, and Mike jumps, catching his beloved Mew in midair. He lands and falls to the ground, rolling, holding Mew close to keep him safe. When he stops, he groans as Mika runs up to him.
Mika: Pika! Chu! (Editor: Translation - Mike! Mew!)
Stunned and speechless, Karen slowly stands up. She quietly walks past the guys, bound for the street, looking both impressed and distraught. Mike calls to her as she's passing by.
Mike: Hey! What's gotten into you? Why are you being this way?
Karen sighs as she continues walking.
Karen: You may figure it out one day. And you probably won't like it any more than I do.
Mike: What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
She doesn't answer. She walks away. Out of the alley, around the corner, and away from the group, taking with her any threat posed to them. Knuckles and Wario gather around Mike and his Pokémon.
Knuckles: Mew…
Wario: Is he…
Mike: He's alive… barely.
Wario hands Mike his backpack, and he immediately begins frantically searching through his supplies. Finally, he finds a revive. Mew is unconscious, his head resting on Mike's left arm. The revive is in Mike's right hand, making its way to Mew's chest. A bright light shines from the revive, and the stone disintegrates into what appears to be a bright, fine powder over Mew's chest. Mew slowly opens his eyes and looks up at his trainer.
Mew: What happened…?
Mike: She's gone. You saved us all with your hyper beam.
Wario: I gotta admit, Mew. You were pretty awesome.
Knuckles: I've met some brave people, kid. But you are hands down the bravest I've ever met, human, animal, Pokémon, or otherwise.
Mew smiles, his ego finally satiated, and closes his eyes in satisfaction.
Mew: Duh. I'm a Mew…
Mew falls asleep, in better health, and able to fully relax for the first time since he can remember.
Epilogue
While the pursuit of wealth is an intrinsic human trait, individual factors come into play, like any other instinct. For some, it's working hard and earning the reward of prosperity. For some, it's breaking into a high-security vault, hoping to grab anything their hands can gather before immediate consequence rears its big ugly head. And for some, it's the idea of using a mind reader to win a popular game of chance. Some have the convenience of seeing the cards of their colleagues reflected in the nearby china cabinet. Some have a natural ability to read the faces of their opponents—calling every bluff, sniffing out all traces of bullshit at the source. And some have lifelong friends who happen to be psychic Pokémon.
What began as a childish prank by four friends ended up turning into the first journey they had taken together in a very, very long time. While any quartet of men bound for a place like Las Vegas is sure to conjure up some kind of trouble, the same can't be said for the majority of groups who aren't suddenly facing mysterious forces, running for their lives, and playing games with the supernatural in a unique take on that pursuit of wealth.
But maybe it was about more than money alone.
Mike, Knuckles, and Wario are sitting at a terminal gate at McCarran International Airport. While they had utilized Mew's Teleport to get here, they've decided to finish their time away with more traditional methods. All three men look like they haven't showered in weeks. The bomb squad was even called on Wario because of his stench's striking similarity to mustard gas. They'd probably be in better shape if they hadn't spent the night in an alley. At least Mew has been able to finally get a chance to recuperate.
After the battle, Mew's and Mika's HP was fully restored. Recognizing his battered Pokémon were in dire need of rest, Mike recalled them both to their Poké Balls for some desperately needed time for introversion. If his friends have become more like him since their capture, he of all people will understand their need to recharge by having some time to be alone and comfortable. After all, one of Mike's greatest pleasures is a day off in his penthouse, with Misty, or by himself with his coffee and a view of the city. The neat thing about Mew's Master Ball is his ability to simulate any possible living condition in existence, known only to him. As far as Mike knows, Mew could be relaxing on a beach, hiking through Mt. Moon, or even enjoying free everything at the Celadon Gentleman's Club.
At the gate, Mike is looking at the Master Ball in his hand, smiling and wondering what Mew is up to. He takes a bite of the cheeseburger Knuckles bought him, leans back, and looks out the window at the passing airplanes.
Knuckles: So, we never actually decided how we were gonna split the money, did we?
Wario: Isn't it obvious who should get the whole thing?
Mike & Knuckles: Uh…
Wario: Me! If it hadn't been for me saving your ass by tossing you that Poké Ball, you'd be dog food by now.
Mike: That reminds me, we need to have a talk.
Wario: … okay?
Mike: You put Mika in her ball and brought her here without saying anything. When your Pikachu suddenly goes missing, people start to get, I don't know, extremely worried. You honestly expect me not to be kinda angry?
Wario: Keep your shirt on, Mike. Mika offered to come with me. If I'd told you, you'd have bitched me out anyway, so I figured I wouldn't bother.
Knuckles: As much as it pains me to admit it, Wario has a point. If it hadn't been for Mika, we'd all be burnt to a crisp.
Wario: Exactly! See? Knuckles thinks I deserve the money!
Mike: I haven't even mentioned that you kept my prized Poké Ball in your underpants, you disgusting motherfu—
Knuckles: I was talking about the Pikachu, dumbass. You JUST said she volunteered. If anything, she should get the money.
Mike reflects on Knuckles' idea for a minute, then he turns to face his friends.
Mike: No. I think Mew should get it.
Knuckles and Wario go silent.
Mike: We put the little guy through so much during this whole trip. And in the end, he actually won it fair and square. I think we at least owe that to him.
An announcement comes over the speakers, signaling for the trio to board their plane to their connecting flight in Tokyo, the only city that flies to fictional video game kingdoms like the Metro Kingdom, and New Donk City. Mike, Knuckles and Wario stand up, take their bags, and begin the walk toward their plane.
Knuckles: I'm okay with that idea. We give the money to Mew.
Wario: Fine, that sounds good. I've just got one more thing to say before we go.
Mike: … what's that?
Wario closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
Wario: Money…
Somewhere in Japan, a large, urban crowd gazes upon the unusual sight of a fat, yellow and purple figure producing a loud "waaaaaaahh" and falling from the sky.
Meanwhile…
On a faraway planet in a foreign solar system, a young, silver-haired woman is walking up a large flight of stone stairs to an ancient palace, guarded by two soldiers with weapons being held in front of the door—a massive, stone behemoth of an entryway with intricate carvings.
Karen: Let me pass. He's expecting me.
Guard 1: You may pass.
Guard 2: I'll warn you now, Miss. He's not in the best of moods.
Karen: He's not the only one.
The guards step aside, and the door slowly opens to reveal a dark chamber; a red carpet draped from the door to the other end of the massive hallway. Karen slowly walks down the carpet, ignoring the multiple guards standing on both sides. Finally, she reaches the end of the carpet. A smaller set of stone stairs reaches from the carpet to a shadowy figure sitting on an ancient throne. A dark, booming voice erupts from the figure's direction.
Voice: This is not the result I was expecting from you.
Karen: I did the best I could.
Voice: Genuine attempts only get a person so far. In my eyes, there are only failure and success. You were not successful in destroying that wretch. What does that make you?
Karen looks at the floor, refusing to answer.
Voice: I shouldn't have to remind you what would happen should you fail the task I gave you.
Karen: Yes, you've made it very clear. But what you're threatening me with is cruel. And just as cruel as asking me to destroy innocent Pokémon. It goes against absolutely everything I believe in.
Voice: That's enough excuses out of you. I'll give you one. More. Chance. Fail me one more time, and you can expect the one you love to spend the rest of eternity in a world of pain immense beyond measure.
Karen looks at the floor one more time, fighting back tears.
Karen: Thank you. I won't fail you again.
She looks back up. All that can be seen are a pair of eyes glowing evilly, and all she can hear is a dark chuckle coming from the entity threatening to tear her entire world apart.
To be continued…
2018