Disclaimer: Mr. Wesley (and your family too), J.K. Rowling owns all of you!

About formatting:
Instead of footnotes I use double bold parentheses: (-( footnote text )-)

CHAPTER 3
Arthur Wesley, the ultimate expert on all things muggle

Chapter summary:
Muggle thingies have many uses.

Ginny said with a smile, "Uncle George, do you remember your duty? Time to put James to bed!"
Six-year-old James Sirius Potter considered it his divine right that whenever his favorite uncle visited, he must tell him some bedtime story.

- So, what story it will be? How about Babbitty Rabbitty?
- That for babies! Tell me about Grandpa Arthur and big bad snake.
- I told it last time; let me tell you how elephants got their trunks.
(-( muggle short story "The Elephant's Child" by Rudyard Kipling )-)
- Hmmm, maybe, (with mischievous smile) maybe … some other time! Now - about Grandpa Arthur and big bad snake!

- OK. So … let's begin from the beginning.
Pause.
- (in feigned-scary voice) Death Eaters attacked Hogwarts School!
- (switching to indifferent-and-bored voice) And Dark Lord Voldy-Moldy-Oldie-Snort attacked Hogwarts School.
- (now in the voice of disbelief and disapproval) And Naughty Snake also attacked Hogwarts School.

George let James laugh for a while and continued in his natural voice.
(He was a good storyteller and knew the danger of overusing the same trick)

- Of course, all the Gryffindors took their wands and went into battle. Among them - your mom and dad. And your uncles and aunts.
James, struck by sudden need to clarify one point, asked, "Is aunt Fleur a Gryffindor too?"
"No," said George calmly, "She did not go to Hogwarts, so she could not be. She was one of many brave people, not from Gryffindor, who joined us in that war."
After letting James digest this new piece of information George continued.

- The battle went on and on. Wizards and witches got tired. Fighting is a hard work, you know that, right?
James nodded (not that he really agreed, but he wanted George to carry on).

- So, Grandpa Arthur stopped for a second to catch his breath. And suddenly he heard from the right a loud … (George took a deep breath) … HISS-S-S. He looked to the right and saw a Big Snake.
And he started to fight the Snake.
He cast spells – they bounced off the snake's skin.
He cast jinxes – they also bounced off.
He cast hexes and curses – they did not work either.

He even tried tickling charm (James, who knew the whole story by heart, chuckled, as he always did at this point) – no good, Nagini's skin was too thick.

George (as he always did at this point) began to speak theatrically, stressing each word,
- Then – Grandpa – Arthur – Decided – To – Use – His – Secret – Weapon!
(James sat in his bed and smiled with anticipation)
- He waited until the Snake opened her big mouth … her Big and Hungry Mouth …

Suddenly, George, enthralled by his own tale, decided to embellish it even more,
- But then he slipped on a pinecone.
"What?" James looked at George doubtfully, unsure if he liked this new plot twist.
"He slipped on a pinecone", George repeated.
"No", James made a decision, "I don't want Grandpa to slip on a stupid pinecone. When Albus slipped, he fell and was hurt. He even cried … almost."

George's imagination went wild, "Did I say Grandpa? I must've misspoken. I mean the Snake slipped on a pinecone."
James, with unreadable expression on his face, asked, "Say it again."
- The Snake slipped on a pinecone.

The greatest mystery in Universe is why kids find some stupid jokes boring and other, equally stupid, jokes - hilarious.
Ginny and Harry rushed in, disturbed by the bouts of laughter, coming from James' bedroom.
They found George sitting quietly with suspiciously innocent smile on his face.
And James was laughing his head off, shouting again and again,
- Snake slipped on a pinecone.
- Snake slipped on a pinecone!
- SNAKE SLIPPED ON A PINECONE!

Together, the uncle and nephew managed to calm down the parents.
Finally all four of them sat down and George was able to continue.
- And while the Snake lay on its side with its mouth wide open, Grandpa Arthur took his secret weapon and threw it right into the snake's throat.
And the snakes are made in such a way that whatever gets into their mouths, they immediately swallow it. They cannot help it; it's just their nature.
So, Nagini tried to swallow Grandpa's secret weapon. Ginny, Harry, do you know what that secret weapon was?
James interrupted, "Let me tell them. Mom, dad, it was Rubber Ducky!"

After Harry and Ginny (who both knew this story as well) properly Ah!-ed and Oh!-ed a few times, James allowed George to continue.

- But rubber ducky did not want to be eaten. And he squeaked and pecked and pinched.
And Nagini could not swallow him and could not get rid of him.
And she could not breathe with rubber ducky in her throat.
That's how Big Bad Snake chocked on Rubber Ducky!
All because she forgot what her mommy always told her, "Don't try to swallow too big piece of food!"
(-(I know that snakes generally don't choke, but it's a bedtime story, not a biology lesson )-)

Several years later.
- James, remember that bedtime story about Grandpa and Snake?
- How can I forget it, Uncle George, it was your masterpiece.
- You know, this story is not completely made-up.
- What!?

- When Grandpa was on guard duty in the Department of Mysteries the rubber duck toy was in his pocket. And when Nagini bit him, most of her bite was on that toy. So, we can say that rubber ducky did save his life.
And since then Grandpa always carried it with him, like talisman.
During the Battle of Hogwarts he really threw the toy at Nagini, right into her mouth.
And Nagini got distracted for a few seconds … which gave Neville time to cut off her head.

- Well, Uncle George, the real life is as amazing as your tales.

NO RUBBER DUCKIES WERE HARMED during the writing of this story.

Oh, come on, it's easier to write a review, than to explain that you are not in the mood.