Disclaimer: Riddle Junior (and Senior too), J.K. Rowling solved all of you!

About formatting:
For direct quotes I use italicized font.

* * * * * * * WARNING * * * * * * *
All pinecones went on strike and could not be used in this chapter.

CHAPTER 4
Gawain Prewett, the Accountant ex machina

Chapter summary:
Remember, Ron mentioned, "I think Mum's got a second cousin who's an accountant, but we never talk about him"?
Magic also needs to be balanced and accounted.

Voldemort lay knocked out, face-down on the hard floor.
Slowly he regained consciousness.
The last thing he remembered was Harry Potter falling down, killed by his 'Avada Kedavra'.
What happened next?
Where was he?
Where were his Death Eaters?

He sat up. His body appeared unscathed. He touched his face.
Absent-mindedly he checked his forehead, nose, chin …
Stop! His nose!? His nose was now so enormous!
With horror he realized that his nose was not big, it was just back to its original size, to what it was before all the experiments with immortality.
Did he come back in time?

He stood up and looked around.
He was alone in a huge hall with glass ceiling.
Somehow it seemed familiar … some long-forgotten childhood memory …
With a jolt he realized – it was King's Cross Station.

Somebody materialized from the thin air – tall and handsome wizard with long auburn hair.
"Snorkacks, dude," said the wizard instead of greeting, "You got yourself, as they say, seated on a doxy nest with bare ass".

Voldemort frantically searched for his wand … in vain; he did not have one anymore.
"What?" said the newcomer, "Want to Avada me? Nargles, dude, it's so pathetic."

Voldemort pulled himself together and said through clenched teeth, "To whom do I have the honor of speaking?"
(Wandless Voldemorts are always very polite)

"Oh, my, where are my manners", said the other wizard with a polite sneer, "senior accountant-collector Gawain Prewett, at your service; MESS department, Unforgivables Audit Division."
"Mess department?" asked confused Voldemort.
- Not 'mess'; It's 'MESS', capitalized; meaning 'Magic's Extreme Stupidity Surveillance'

"H-mm," said Voldemort, trying his best not to show his growing uneasiness, "And what would be the reason for your visit, senior accountant-collector?"

"Wrackspurts, dude", Gawain said with a sigh, "When you hit somebody with 'Avada Kedavra' first time – it's all right and proper.
When it does not work and you try it second time – it's plain stupidity.
But to try it third time? Such imbecility is an embarrassment to the Magic itself!"

How it was counted:

1st time – Godric's Hollow (when Harry was a baby);
2nd time – Graveyard Duel;
3rd time – Forbidden Forest (just before this chapter began);

During the battle in the Department of Mysteries Voldemort also tried to Avada Harry, but Dumbledore blocked the curse, so, technically, it did not hit Harry and therefore does not count.

The Graveyard Duel, on the other hand, does count, because it was Harry himself who intercepted the curse with Expelliarmus; So, Voldemort's curse hit a magical extension/aura of Harry.

Voldemort swallowed the implied insult, "And what course of action would you propose, my lord?"
(Wandless Voldemorts never lose their temper)

Gawain said in official tone, "By the Merlin Decree number 25 throwing 3 Avada Kedavras at the same witch or wizard is totally disallowed.
The penalty for such violation shall be 1/8 of perpetrator's soul."

He continued in more relaxed manner, "So, dude, I've come to collect the fine … First, would you mind if I perform the express-audit of your magic and soul?", and not waiting for an answer, he finished, "Thanks, dude."
He cast a spell and Voldemort's body became transparent.
"Lemme see …" muttered Gawain, poking his wand at various parts of Voldemort.

Suddenly Gawain froze. Then he looked Voldemort in the face, "Did you? Really?"
He burst out laughing, "Plimpies, dude; I must tell everybody about it; it will be known as the moronity of the century."

"Let's finish our little business," Gawain continued amiably, "So, what if I take your horcrux snake as a payment? Any objection? No objection. Pleasure doing business with you."
He muttered another incantation and began to melt into thin air.

"Wait!" cried Voldemort, "How about change?"
- What are you talking about, dude?
Voldemort sighed and patiently explained,
"I made 6 horcruxes (including snake), splitting my soul into 7 pieces.
Therefore the snake constitutes 1/7 of my soul.
You fined me 1/8 of my soul.
1/7 minus 1/8 equals 1/56. Therefore you owe me a change - 1/56 of my soul.
May I have it, please?"
(Wandless Voldemorts can do fractions in their heads)

"Humdingers, dude, Blibbering Humdingers" said Gawain with faked pity, "You are so-o-o under delusion. Let me enlighten you, You actually made 7 horcruxes. Seven.
And the funniest part of it? You just killed one of them. You killed your own horcrux! Moronity of the century!"

Death Eaters silently watched how their Lord slowly got to his feet, slowly looked them over, turned and, with a wild shriek "Umgubular Slashkilters!", kicked the dead body of his pet snake.

NO FRACTIONS WERE FRACTURED during the writing of this story.

What would you get if you take 'P' out of Preview?

In case you are wondering whether wand-wielding Voldemorts can do fractions in their heads – the answer is simple – why would they bother? They can always Imperio somebody to do fractions for them.