Disclaimer: In Summer, Winter, Spring and Fall - J.K. Rowling owns all.

Special thanks to my beta 'A Talking Cat'.

About formatting:
Instead of footnotes I use double bold parentheses: (-( footnote text )-)

CHAPTER 8 (and the last)
All J.K. Rowling's Men

Chapter summary:
All J.K. Rowling's witches,
All J.K. Rowling's men
Know the truth - which is:
United They Stand!

An enormous shadow fell on the battlefield.
Heroes, led by Harry Potter, looked up with exhilaration.
Villains (aka Voldemort's cannon fodder), trembled with trepidation.
Author patted himself on the head with self-admiration.
(And readers held their breath in anticipation.)

Enormous owl slowly descended, an enormous red envelope in his enormous beak.
"It's from HER!" Hermione exclaimed with elation, "it's from She-Who-Created-Us-All!"
"Howler from HER? How do you know?" asked Harry.
"Oh, Harry," sighed Hermione, "Don't you know that our creator never misses opportunity to use the adjective 'enormous'?"

Red envelope opened, but no high-pitched scream sounded.
Instead, a middle-aged woman stepped out, deep-set blue eyes sparkling with omniscience (and also with omnipotence, omnipresence, omnicompetence and omnidirectional omnificence).
She spoke in soft but firm voice, with regal aplomb,
- We are not amused.
- Fifteen years I labored like house-elf, creating all your lives, adventures, plots, subplots and underplots.

("Err-r-r, what's the difference between subplot and underplot?" asked Ron in curious whisper.
While Hermione diligently considered the question, Harry replied with a smirk, "Underplot starts with 'u'.
"Oh, I see," said Ron, puffing out his chest and winking at Hermione, "Without me it's only a subplot.")

She-Who-Does-Not-Have-To-Be-Named continued in the same measured voice,
- I single-handedly worked out how to kill six Horcruxes.
- And what did all of you do all this time?
- It's time for you to use your brains too.
- Figure out between yourselves how to destroy Naginicrux.

Nagini hissed something.
"Ah, you want to take part in discussion?" She-Who-Owns snapped her fingers and declared, "Intelligere Serpentes!"
(-( "Understand Snakes!" in Latin )-)
- Now everybody will understand Parseltongue.
- And I, meanwhile, will go to library for some light reading.

With a loud pop she disapparated.

For several minutes nobody spoke a word.
Naturally, everybody was scared.
They all knew that She-Who-Creates could also uncreate any of them easily.

Then McGonagall, accustomed to being in command, clarified the situation (meaning - pointed out the obvious),
- Hogwarts, we have a problem. (some muggle-borns snickered, others - groaned)
- Let's brainstorm it. Any ideas?

Neville raised his hand and volunteered,
- I have an idea. What if I pull Gryffindor sword out of Sorting Hat and kill the snake with it?
Hermione shook her head and said kindly,
- Sorry, Neville, but it would violate 14th rule of Creative Writing - overusing the same plot device;
- It would make Basilisk Venom the cause of destruction for 5 horcruxes out of 7.
- Sorry again, Neville, better luck next time.

Fat Friar suggested,
- Forgive and forget, I say. Remorse, friends, let Tom Riddle try remorse.
- It would be like catching two rabbits in one snare (of course, kind and gentle Friar would not use an idiom, describing killing of birds).
- First, it would eliminate the errant 1/8th part of Tom's soul.
- And second - it would save his soul. I mean, it would save the remaining 1/8th part of his soul.
Nobody deigned to answer this idea; they just shrugged, shrugged it off.

"Hem, hem," the troll witch 'Umber-Bridge' cleared her throat,
- I've already wrote a draft of Educational Decree # 42.
- All Serpent, Lizard and other Reptile horcruxes are hereby disbanded and can be reinstated only with the written permission...
At this point she was rudely interrupted by a non-magical stunner, delivered by left hind hoof of Firenze the Centaur.

Harry got another idea,
- What if I just touch Nagini with my bare hands and let my mother's blood protection do the work?
Nagini politely hissed,
- Thank you very much, Harry, I'm really touched.
- But my mom always told me to never let strange men touch me.

Everything became quiet again.
In complete silence, only mild voice of Luna was heard,
- Accio. One hundred sixty one.
- Accio. One hundred sixty two.
- Accio...

"Luna," asked Ginny, "what are you doing?"
"I am counting pinecones," Luna said, "Poor things; nobody cared about them since the third chapter."
"And why would we care about them?" asked Ron.
"Ron," Hermione said reproachfully, "just because you've got the emotional range of a single pinecone doesn't mean we should ignore the rest of them."
And she turned to Luna, "Luna, you missed that one near the stump. Accio. One hundred sixty four."

Fred and George said together, "We can measure Nagini in pinecones."
"Measure me in pinecones? How?" asked Nagini suspiciously.
"Easy," answered twins, "How many pinecones can fit in you - that would be your length."
"What? You take me for some stupid boa constrictor? I won't swallow so many pinecones," Nagini said with indignation.

- No need to swallow. Just lie straight and still and we will put pinecones alongside you.
"All right," said Nagini, "One condition - use the smallest pinecones."
- Why?
- Because it would make me longer! Maybe then I will break the Guinness record!

The mood of enormous fun quickly spread all around.
Heroes, villains and Daily Prophet readers, all together were eagerly picking the smallest pinecones and throwing them towards Nagini.
Stupid boring horcrux was forgotten for good.

J.K. Rowling woke up in a cold sweat.
For the eighth night in a row, she had a weird dream.
"Oh, well," she thought, "That's what happens when you read too much fanfiction."
She turned to other side and tried to fall asleep again, but could not.
One unsolved mystery was worrying her: "What is the length of Nagini in pinecones?"

So, dear reader, you obstinately plowed through all my cranky one-shot ideas and finally have read the final (and, probably, most eclectic) chapter.

How did you like the whole collection?
What chapter you liked the most?
The least?
I'd really like to know.

THANK YOU

CREDIT / ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Partially inspired by Russian children tale '38 parrots' ('38 попугаев') by Grigoriy Oster (Григорий Остер) and a cartoon, based on it.
(cartoon can be found on YouTube with English subtitles)