Notes:
Another story! I was always interested in what would happen if Gon knew what had happened in NGL when he wasn't there. I hope you enjoy and thank you for reading! 3
Killua was missing.
And while it's normal for the boy to take a morning stroll, what wasn't normal was what happened this morning, and the strong smell of sweat that led away from their apartment and into the neighboring woods.
So that's how Gon finds himself follows his nose through winding trees, the scent of Killua growing stronger with every step. When a particularly strong whiff finds its way to him, Gon's step falters.
Waking slowly, the first thing the island boy is that Killua is gone. Sitting up slowly, Gon can't help the breath that catches in his throat. Looking towards where Killua sleeps, Gon notices that the bed sheets are disheveled but it doesn't look like there was a struggle. Getting out from the bed sheets with a quickened haste, Gon goes to the kitchen to find the TV off, the remote sitting where it was last night.
He turns, slowly inspecting everything. He tries to rationalize, maybe Killua went to get breakfast. However this is shattered as he looks to the wall near the fridge. The calendar that Killua marked off everyday as soon as he got up without fail, was not marked for today.
So while yes, it is good to remain calm, Gon can't help the desperation that claws at his throat, the nightmares of three years without Killua threatening to swallow him whole.
A soft, shuddering breath before the memory is brushed aside. It's hard not to panic when Gon tells himself that it's ok, he's found Killua and they won't be seperated. When he knows that they are finally a duo again but Gon knew that they attracted trouble, and their peace is easily shattered.
When Gon glances back up, he sees a clearing. He stops momentarily, seeing a man sitting on the outskirts of a fire. A scream of terror gets lodged in his throat as he looks beside the man and sees a pair of purple shoes.
Killua's purple shoes.
Caring little about subtlety, Gon throws himself into the clearing, racing to get to the shoes - and the man.
His body stops listening as he freezes, his eyes caught in a blink as his world stays shrouded in darkness. A memory from Whale Island appears in his mind, and Gon finds oh so hard to push it aside and focus on Killua, the happy memory almost suffocating.
Then all he knows is there are hands, reaching, touching, pulling. He can't help the panic that tingles his arms, remembering the hands that threatened to drown him so long ago.
When he can finally move again, he finds he is bound to a chair, the ropes made of nen. When he opens his eyes, he finds the man right in front of him.
Gon clenched his fists, his eyes ablaze with cold fury.
"Give me Killua."
It wasn't a question, it was a demand. The man before him just smiled, his pearly teeth white and Gon can't help but want to paint his mouth a bloody red. For the seemingly fifth time in less than a minute, Gon tried to break out of the nen ropes. It was useless, they weren't going to budge.
"All in due time. Besides, you really think Killua wants to see you after everything you've done to him?"
Gon's world seemed to shutter to a stop. Forcefully, the island boy pushed his world back into motion with a deep breath.
"I came here for Killua. If you hurt him-" Gon was positively seething with barley restrained rage. "-I'll kill you."
And he meant it. While he hated killing anything, much less wounding anything, Killua was an exemption. Gon would hurt a hundred people if they ever tried to lay their hands on Killua. His Killua.
"You're still avoiding my statement. Killua doesn't want to see you. Do you have any idea the kind of pain you've caused him? The suffering he's been through?"
Gon winced, his breath catching in his throat. "I didn't-."
The man hums, stroking his chin in thought before cutting Gon off.
"Did you know he almost died? And you did nothing to help."
The words sliced through the air, the clearing seemingly dropping a few degrees. Frantic eyes scanned the other man's face for evidence of the truth. Upon seeing the frown laced on his lips, Gon snapped his mouth shut from it's open position. He clenched his eyes shut and wrung his wrists together.
"That's a lie."
The man hums, gathering a ball of seemingly nen in his palm. "I don't know if you knew this, but my nen grants me the ability to share memories. I take the memory from one person and show it to another. Don't worry, both people have to be unharmed while the memory is being transferred, so your precious Killua is fine."
A whisper of the wind, a faint distressed call.
The sound bristles along Gon's ears in hollowed agony. Surely it was his imagination. The man creeps closer, the nen glowing brightly in his hand.
"WAIT!"
The man's step falters and Gon presses his lips together into a straight line. Things were progressing too quickly, there wasn't enough time to think.
"I- I don't want to see any memories unless Killua tells me. It's invading his privacy."
The man smirks at this. "Oh- but I know your curious. Don't you want to know what Killua went through?"
And Gon can't do anything but cast his gaze downwards, ashamed. Because there is a burning curiosity there, churning hot and fierce in his stomach. This time when the man gets closer, Gon closes his eyes and accepts the onslaught of thoughts. When nothing happens, Gon opens his eyes carefully. The last thing he remembers seeing is the man's carefully hidden smile before everything goes dark.
In the distance, he barely hears the shout of his name.
Killua...?
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
When Gon blearily opens his eyes, he finds himself outside a cave. Sitting up slowly, he notices the setting immediately.
NGL.
The thought sends chills down the tan boys spine, the hairs on the back of his neck standing with vigor. Standing quickly, Gon notices that he is the same height and wearing the same clothes that he did then. Feeling his right pocket, he immediately notices the lump of his beetle phone.
Gon expects Killua to come and find him any second now, but when he doesn't appear the man's voice rings loudly through his head.
"Did you know he almost died? And you did nothing to help."
"Killua"
Gon breathes the name before scrambling to pull out the phone. When he is met with Killua's voicemail, Gon curses and slams the device back into his pocket. Gon grinds his teeth together and is about to shout when his nose picks up a familiar scent. Chocolate with a hint of vanilla...
Turning towards the smell, Gon finds it coming from the cave. Wasting no time, he jumps in and barely manages to avoid falling into a pool of water below. Grabbing the wall, the island boy surveys his surroundings before noticing a familiar tuft of white hair. The only problem? He was on his back, laying on the ground.
Still.
Lifeless.
Unmoving.
Gon pushes off the wall at inhuman speed, his arms reached out to grab the pale boy. As he got closer, he saw the tints of red that stood stark against the white skin and hair. Closer still, he could see something stuck in Killua's forehead. Something had impaled Killua. It was wrong. Everything was so so wrong.
Gon is almost there, reaching for his goal, when he finds himself on the ground, stars dancing in front of his vision. Standing quickly, Gon can't see anything that he could've run into. Noticing how he was only a few feet away, Gon tried to run but was once again met with resistance.
Sitting up, Gon reached forward only for his hand to run into something transparent.
A wall?
"No. NO! I need to get to Killua!"
Banging on the wall, Gon can't help his cries of frustration.
When two other beings make themselves known, Gon immediately stiffens and scrambles to his feet. Breathing heavily, he listens as the two celebrate, their hands clapping together in glee. They're chimera ants. They're the ones who hurt Killua. When Gon tries to fight them, he finds that his hands go right through them as if he wasn't there.
While frustrating, Gon knows in the back of his mind that it was going to happen. What Gon doesn't expect is for Killua to suddenly appear, slicing off their heads before crashing into the ground with ungraceful movements.
"Killua, you're ok!" Gon can't help but say, a tight smile forming on his lips. However when he goes to reach forward, he finds the wall still in place.
When there is no response to his statement, Gon swallows thickly.
"Killua?"
It's hesitant this time, hoping that it was just a joke.
Gon goes still as he notices the pool of sticky red fluid that has begun to ooze out of the assassins body.
"Did you know he almost died? And you did nothing to help."
Breathing becomes harder, movements becoming more labored.
"No."
Gon pushes on the barrier. When it doesn't give, Gon slams his fist into it. The tears are coming freely now, his breathing panicked as he begins to realize he is so close yet still so far away. WHere was he when this happened? Why couldn't he save Killua? The wall does nothing, still standing firm.
"NO!"
Frantic breaths
A charging of nen
A blast
Silence.
When not even his newly recovered ja-janken breaks the barrier, Gon coughs out from where he was thrown. "Killua?"
Sitting up and brushing the ruble aside, Gon can't help but scream at the receding light in his best friends eyes, the one he cherished most turning into nothing but a pile of mass on the floor in a cold and empty cave. Gripping his hair, Gon doesn't dare believe it.
The world narrows into a small hole and darkness creeps in around the edges and he can't see anything except Killua Killua Killua. Gon faintly realizes he's hyperventilating before the whole world goes black.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
When Gon opens his eyes again, he notices that he is sitting in a plastic, white chair. When he tries to scramble up, he is almost immediately dizzy, reaching out for the wall while spots danced across his vision.
Looking around, he notices a strong smell of medical supplies. Was he in a hospital? No. No time to dwell on that. Gon needed to find Killua before it was too late.
When Gon went to start walking, he noticed a familiar figure talking to Leorio, and suddenly his body felt dizzy with relief.
"Killua!"
When the white haired boy didn't even acknowledge him, a frown settled on Gon's features. Gon looked on the other side of Killua and noticed a girl that was a few inches shorter than Killua. Oh, that's Alluka.
Reaching out, Gon tried to bring Killua in for a hug, but his hands passed right through the boy.
"What?"
So instead of bringing Killua in for a hug, Gon sucked up his tears and listened to the conversation.
"Where is Gon."
Leorio muttered a room number and Killua turned, leaving his spot and began walking towards a corridor with Alluka in tow. Baffled, Gon turned towards the doctor.
"Leorio? What's going on?"
When Gon's hands passed through Leorio, he frowned. Opening his mouth again to try and get the med student's attention, Gon was suddenly yanked by an invisible string and was forced to walk near Killua. Following silently, Gon didn't try to protest the occuring events. He knew it would work out eventually. It had to, didn't it?
Slowly Killua stopped walking, his free hand balled into a tight fist and his knuckles uncommonly white. Gon watched as Killua took a deep breath before raising his hand and pushing open a door near them.
When the door swung open, Gon immediately stopped once inside the room.
Ah, he knew where he was now.
Gon swallowed the lump in his throat before taking a few hesitant steps towards Killua and Alluka, who seemed to now be Nanika.
It was strange, walking up to your own death bed when you knew you would be fine. It was especially hard since Killua never talked about it, and everytime he brought it up near Alluka or Nanika they would give Gon a sad smile.
Peering over Killua's shoulder, Gon listened as Killua softly but confidently spoke.
"Nanika, please heal my friend Gon."
Nanika nodded. "Aye." She then reached her hand out and began to grab at the air, her sweet child voice filling the room once again. "Hand, hand."
Killua obliged, slowly lifting up the hospital sheet and pulling out Gon's limb from underneath. At the sight of his marred hand, Gon heard as Killua sucked in a harsh breath, his bottom lip wobbling dangerously as his eyes filled with crystal specs.
Taking a shuddering breath of his own, Gon didn't bother to open his eyes as Nanika granted the wish.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Finally gaining the courage to open his eyes, Gon notices that he is somewhere else this time, not the cold and nightmarish hospital he was in before.
He already knows why he's here.
How many times has Gon hurt Killua without even knowing it?
Better yet, how much more of this knowledge can Gon take before he completely snaps?
This time, Gon takes in his surroundings completely, trying to distinguish where he was this time. Maybe this time he can prepare.
Taking in the nearby bathroom and a kitchen in the living room, Gon realizes something. It's a hotel room he's never seen, and he doesn't know where he is. And if he doesn't know where he is, then where's Killua?
Snapping his head around, Gon notices a lump in a nearby bed. Silent for a moment, the lump shifts, a slow and drawn out cry worming it's way out of their throat almost silently.
It's definitely Killua.
"Wake up, it's just a nightmare."
Gon wants to say.
"I'm here now."
Gon wants to be.
But alas, this was not the time for confrontation. Because as the figure shifted and cried out in the darkness, Gon could do nothing but watch, each tear being shed by the pale boy causing another piece of his heart to fracture and tear.
When Killua startles awake with a gasp, he immediately clutches a hand to his chest, his eyes squeezed shut and burning. oOn doesn't miss the way that Killua seems to reach out for another body, only to recoil when he realized that no one was actually there. With this comes the startling realization that when Killua and Gon were separated, Killua had no one to hold him after his nightmares.
A single tear falls down tan cheeks before more follow, and a hiccup breaks the silence.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Groggy, Gon begins to wake slowly before snapping his eyes open and scrambling up.
Ah, he's back in NGL.
Looking around, Gon immediately notices Killua just a few feet away, his figure holding the powers of Zeus as his skin light up the dark night sky.
"Killua."
While the island boy has always loved that name, Gon can't help but cringe now as it signifies more than a calm, collected friend who wields lightning. Now it signifies despair and death. Is this what Killua meant when he said that Gon would hate him if Killua ever told him what had happened that night?
Gon knows now, he could never hate Killua. He loves Killua more than anything.
Frowning, the tan boy wishes he could tell Killua that but he can't, at least not until he's seen every one of these memories.
Rolling his shoulders, Gon looks into the distance and all the air in his lungs escapes him. Not more than fifty feet away is Pitou and himself. The Gon that sacrificed everything, even Killua, just to avenge Kite.
Gon can't help but gwake at the form, he never had the chance to see how it had changed him before he threw himself into bloodshed and revenge.
He snaps his mouth shut however when he sees Killua, the pale boy's eyes blown wide and his eyes shaking with terror. Gon never realized that Killua had been at the fight for so long.
Turning back towards the battle, he sucks in a breath at the painful memories when Pitou leaps forward, their hand about to pierce Gon's stomach.
Just before the lethal blow is dealt, Killua surges forward, knocking both Gon and himself out of the way. When Pitou still slices through Gon's arm, the island boy watches as Killua looks at Gon with panicked eyes, stiffened breath.
Gon doesn't feel like he's really there as he listens to his younger but more mature looking self tell Killua that he is ok, that he wanted to be like Kite anyways and now they matched.
The tears slip over Gon's eyelids easily as he sees the way Killua trembles, his hands clenched together as the pale boy probably begins running a million thoughts through his mind, the most distinguishable thought being "It's my fault that Gon is like this."
Gon wants to shake him, tell him that it isn't his fault. It's Gon's fault, it'll always be Gon's fault.
When Pitou lunges forward again, Gon notices that Killua doesn't move, just continues staring at the other Gon as the hope begins to slowly fizzle out. The other Gon lunges back, punching Pitou in the face before grabbing his severed arm and throwing it at Pitou, piercing them through the chest with a mighty yell.
Knees weak, hands shaking, and an endless supply of sparkling tears fall from Gon's eyes.
My fault, my fault, my fault.
Gon watches himself gather nen, preparing to finish off Pitou. He can see the emotions that cross Killua's face, begging Gon to stop but not knowing how to stop him. The island boy already knows what happens next, the noise haunting his nightmares every night.
Killua tenses before lunging forward and letting out a cry. "GON!"
The other Gon turns slightly, giving Killua a sad look before the forest is enveloped with nen, and Gon's vision fades to black once again.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
The next time Gon opens his eyes, he realizes where he is immediately.
He is inside the Zoldyck mansion, seemingly right after Killua ran from the hunter exam. Laying at his feet, battered and bruised was Killua. His hair stuck to his forehead and his mouth set in a thin line.
But what really shook Gon was his eyes. The once bright eyes, filled with mischief were flat and filled with nothing but pain. Gon knew that it wasn't a fake look, the Zoldycks weren't taken lightly for a reason.
When the door swung open, both Killua and Gon looked up with a curiosity and dread.
Gon could do nothing as he listened to Killua's loud protests, despite the pale boy never saying a word. The silence spoke louder than words ever had, and Gon could do nothing as he watched Killua get strung up to the wall.
The person in the room was wrong. It's Illumi that strings Killua up, sealing his fate.
But didn't Killua say he just let Milluki push him around because he felt bad? He never mentioned Illumi hurting him.
Gon tried multiple times to strike at the eldest Zoldyck son, only for his hands to pass right through his long hair and connect with nothing but his own scraped up knees.
When Illumi got out a whip, Gon could do nothing but curl up in a ball, his ears ringing as the sound of leather making contact with fragile skin filled the dark room. When Gon heard the whip splatter, he let out a choked sob, his lungs filling with the need and desire to do something, anything, to help Killua.
He didn't open his eyes to see the red splatter, he didn't open them when Killua let out a harsh cry of his own, he didn't open them when Illumi threatened Killua.
When Gon heard Illumi leave, he heard the desperate heave for air that came from Killua. His ears - curse their abilities - were able to pick up the faint call of Killua.
"I'm so sorry, Gon. I failed you."
"No, it was my fault for not being there. It's always my fault, never yours."
Gon whispers, knowing that no matter how hard he wishes for the pale boy to hear him, the strand of letters would never be heard. At least not when Killua needed them most.
Despite the urge to, Gon didn't open his eyes when there was finally silence, save for their harsh breathing.
When he does finally open them, he was greeted with the sight of Killua's skin flapped open and blood dripping off his toes as it cascaded down his body. Gon couldn't help the desperate scream that clawed out of his throat, his hands raking over the sides of his face and leaving angry red marks.
"KILLUA!"
The name came out deranged, it's hollow sound cutting through the air and making reality spiral out of control.
"Please, make the memories stop! I don't want to see anymore!"
With the final declaration, Gon's vision went back once again.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"No, please. Anything but this."
Gon knew this was the final memory, but he also knew it would hurt most of all.
He was back inside the fallen castle with Killua, and Pitou was before them. Gon watches as his other self punches the ground, his gaze filled with rage.
Killua reaches out, calling out Gon's name.
Gon doesn't deserve Killua, he's too kind. Always dragging Gon out of the fires when they licked at the balms of his feet. So why didn't Gon ever try to save Killua?
He watches with burning eyes as he turns away from Killua.
"You have it easy, Killua."
Gon's can't breath, his head is underwater.
"Since it means nothing to you."
But it did mean something to Killua, I know it did! He sees the way Killua's face falls, the shadows seemingly tugging at his face, threatening to swallow him whole.
It did matter.
It did...
It...
It's all my fault.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
When Gon has his consious back, he doesn't even try to open his eyes. Before he knows it tears are already running down his cheeks and he can't stop the wretched cry that worms it's way out of his throat.
"GON!"
Huh, guess it's his fault again. Killua's already yelling at him. Stupid, stupid Gon. Always getting in the way and making Killua hurt.
My fault, my fault, my fault.
"WAKE UP!"
So the other Gon's already dead here. Maybe if Gon just closes his eyes he can pass away too. That's much better than living through these memories and realizing now why it made sense when Gon grabbed Killua's hands how to pale boy would stiffen, or how whenever Gon said that Killua had things easy the pale boy would almost always look away and excuse himself.
Because it's all
Gon's
fault.
"DAMN IT! What did you do to him? He should be awake by now!"
I'm so sorry...
"I believe he is awake already, he just hasn't opened his eyes."
Me? I thought they couldn't see me.
"As for what I did, I already told you. I shared some memories with him."
Oh, so I'm back. But I still don't want to open my eyes and see Killua. I don't deserve him anymore.
"What memories did you show him to make him sound like that when he yelled."
Despite the effort to make himself seem unaffected, Gon can hear the way that Killua's voice cracks at the end and it causes Gon's heart to shatter. He has no reason to care about me. Why didn't he just leave me already?
"I showed him your memories, Killua."
Gon can almost taste the way that fear fills the forest quickly, before being covered by rage.
"What memories."
Is he worried I saw? Don't worry Killua, I don't hate you. You should be angry because he looked at your memories more than anything.
"Ah ah ah, I'm not telling you."
Gon doesn't hear what happens next as his brain begins to buzz, his eyelids pressed together tightly as another cry tries to make itself known. He doesn't get pulled out of the buzzing until there are stiff fingers on his wrists, untying the rope.
"I've got you."
A voice whispers, one that Gon knows is Killua due to it's angelic noise. He feels himself being lifted slowly bridal style, and Gon can't help but wrap his arms around Killua's neck and burrowing his face into his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry Killua. I didn't mean it."
Gon feels the way that Killua stiffens, the way his nen crackles before the two of them begin moving at inhumane speed, leaving nothing but a trail of ozone behind them.
When they finally stop, Gon is still clinging tightly to Killua, his breathing almost ragged as he desperately tried not to cry again. After seemingly forever, Gon can finally touch Killua again. Gon can finally apologize.
"Hey, what's wrong."
Gon tries to speak, tries to apologize, but the words get lodged in his throat and it's all he can do to burrow deeper into Killua and cry.
He feels Killua slowly sink down, probably sitting on their apartment couch. Killua wraps his hands around Gon's back and mutters soft words of comfort while rubbing circles in Gon's t-shirt.
When Gon finally finds his voice, it feels hoarse and it's covered in a layer of mucus.
"You were dead and I don't know how you're still alive. You were covered in holes and you were bleeding and it was all my fault."
Gon feels the way Killua goes still.
"What?"
It's airy, almost as if Killua is denying the claim. Suddenly Gon's world is shaken, and Gon realizes that Killua is holding him at arms length with a frantic expression.
"Gon, what did he show you?"
Sniffling, Gon wipes his runny nose on the hem of his shirt. He tries to speak but Killua's stern expression makes his throat clog, and Gon finally realizes how much he missed Killua.
"I-In NGL, there were t-two chimera ants that almost k-killed you and then you were on the floor and you were dying but I couldn't reach you because there was a damn wall in the way-"
Gon can't finish his ramble as Killua turns deathly pale and begins to shake.
"You saw that?"
When Gon nods, Killua squeezes his eyes shut. "Holy shit."
Before the silence can continue, Killua opens his eyes again,
"What else did you see?"
Gon doesn't want to think about it. But he know he must, for Killua's sake.
"Everything you really didn't want me to see. I saw the hospital when you brought Alluka, and i saw in NGL when I was fighting Pitou-" Gon doesn't miss the way Killua winces at this. "-and I saw you in the Zoldyck mansion being tortured and when I told you it didn't matter."
Gon stands abruptly, his vision blurring and doubling before slowly going back to normal. Gon thinks he senses Killua stand as well, but the island boy is too busy looking for a jacket.
"Gon, what are you doing?"
Huh, Killua almost sounds as frantic as I feel.
"I need to leave. All I do is hurt Killua and I can't keep hurting Killua."
Gon reaches for the door but a hand grabs his wrist, soft and firm.
"Don't go. Please, don't go."
When Gon turns and sees Killua's desperate look, Gon takes a shuddering breath.
"I'm so sorry. I never knew-"
The next thing Gon knows is that Killua is holding him again, both boys longing for contact.
"It's ok, I forgive you. I'm so sorry you had to see that. I never thought-"
Gon shakes his head vigorously and cuts Killua off.
"No, don't apologize. I should have realized. It's always my fault, never Killua's."
It's silent before Gon speaks again.
"I'm sorry. I love you Killua."
The pale boy immediately sputters, his cheeks turning a vibrant red.
"I-idiot! You can't just say things like that!" He scratches his neck and looks away. "But uh, I love you too."
For the first time in seemingly forever, a smile breaks out on Gon's face.