Notes:
! This story has a TW for implied self harm ! I had this idea while doing dishes and got my computer as quickly as possible. I hope you enjoy and thank you for reading!
When Killua's phone rings, it's one in the morning. Groaning and fueled with an annoyance he hasn't felt in a long time, Killua snaps the phone open without bothering to check the user ID.
"What do you want at" He squints, checking the time, "One in the morning."
"First off, you're an insomniac, you wouldn't be sleeping anyways. Secondly, hello to you to."
Ah it's Bisky, the last person Killua wanted to hear from. He was appreciative for everything that Bisky did to help him and Alluka, but dang she could be naggy. A little part of him had hoped, just for a fleeting moment that it was-
"That doesn't answer my question of what you want."
There's a tired sigh on the other side that has Killua sitting up straighter. Bisky doesn't sigh like that unless she actually has something important to say.
"Something's happening Killua. It was easy to ignore at first but now I really need your help."
Killua snorts softly, making sure not to wake Alluka who was sleeping in a different bed near him. Making sure her breathing was even, Killua got up and tiptoed out the door of the hotel room before sliding down the hallway wall to sit.
"And why do you need my help with this? Aren't you supposed to be highly efficient at nen?"
"Killua. I think we both know that with all the training you've been putting yourself through all these years has made us much closer in power than you realize. Besides, the person I need your help with doesn't listen to anyone except you."
The pale boy has to bite his tongue to keep himself from groaning in annoyance. Killua doesn't realize when his voice begins to rise.
"WHO Bisky? I need a name."
Bisky huffs out an angry puff of air before yelling back. "It's Gon you damn brat!"
All the sudden Killua is glad he's sitting on the floor. Of course Killua always assumed that Gon was alive after the island boy cut off contact a year ago even after promising at the World Tree to stay in contact after they split. Was it incorrect to assume so? Was Gon... no. He needs to think positive. But what if Gon needed him and had yelled out for Killua while he did nothing but sat and watch romcoms with Alluka-
"He's.. not dead. At least not physically. But in his eyes- nevermind. Can you be here?"
Can he? What about Alluka? He promised to take her everywhere she wanted to go. But if Gon was in danger then how was he to say no?
"I-I can't. It's been too long, if I saw him I wouldn't be able to stop myself and I would just end up hurting myself and him. Besides, I have Alluka to watch out for now."
"I can stay with Alluka until you help Gon."
Killua gnaws on his bottom lip, a strong habit he had developed over the year since Gon disappeared.
"Ok."
It was quiet, but Killua knows Bisky heard it all the same.
"Where should we meet you?"
Bisky hums and there is a rustle of papers somewhere. "Can you be in Yorknew in two days?"
Killua's eyebrows shoot up. They were that close? And here Killua thought he was running from Gon. The whole time he's been running right at him.
"Actually, we could be there by six this morning. We are a town over."
Killua hears a surprised whistle on the other side.
"No wonder Illumi hasn't found you and Alluka yet. You're good at covering your tracks kid. I thought you were still in Bunzen. Well anyways, I'll give you extra time. I'll expect you at the address I send you by ten tomorrow. Before you panic and back out, that's where I live in case you forgot. It's not Gon's place."
When Killua agrees, the line goes dead and Killua is left in the hallway with clammy palms and a heart that's beating too hard to be considered healthy.
What if Gon doesn't want to see Killua? What if KIllua makes the problem worse? What if they don't get there in time? What if-
"Onii-chan?"
Killua lifts his gaze quickly from it's spot on the floor and crystal blue eyes meet equally tired ones.
"Sorry Alluka, did I wake you?"
Alluka shakes her head, rubbing her right eye with a yawn. "I just didn't feel you in the room anymore. As soon as I noticed you were gone your nen spiked so I was making sure you were ok."
Bisky had taught Alluka nen per Killua's request when he deemed that it would be good for both Alluka and Nanika to control their powers better. Just as Killua was always looking out for them, his sisters are always looking out for him.
"I'm ok, but we need to pack and move a town over."
Killua doesn't miss the way Alluka's nen spikes, her en tickling his skin.
"Did Illumi find us?"
Shaking his head, Killua ruffled Alluka's hair and shepherds the two of them into the hotel room.
"Something happened to Gon."
Alluka stiffens as Killua averts his gaze, the tears he had been trying to push down in the hallway threatening to reappear. He feels Alluka's gaze on him, searching for an answer that she already knows the answer to.
"Onii-chan?"
Killua doesn't answer, running a sleeve across his eyes to collect the water sitting there.
"I'm ok."
Alluka wraps her arms around Killua's midsection, burrowing her head into his shoulder.
"I-I'm ok Alluka."
She just squeezes him harder. As she slowly guides them to the floor, Killua can't help the tears that begin to leak and the quiet hiccup that escapes him. Suddenly he's crying, gripping Alluka as hard as he dared. The cry that worms out of his throat is chilling, even to his own ears.
"I failed him, I could've been there and he would be ok. What if he-" Killua spits out the next word quickly, "dies? I should've been there. I should've..."
He can't continue as his throat clogs, his face finding purchase in Alluka's shoulder as he his shoulders heave up and down. Alluka says nothing, just holding tightly and assuring Killua that he is still here and still has a sense of reality.
"You weren't. You weren't there but that doesn't mean it's your fault. You were there, texting him everyday for four years. There isn't much you can do when he cut off contact for all this year, Onii-chan."
"Y-yeah but"
Alluka puts a hand tightly around Killua's wrist, effectively stopping his blubbering.
"It's not your fault."
And just like that the precautious dam that had been built shattered once again.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
By the time the duo makes it to Bisky's home it's 9:30 in the morning. If Bisky notices Killua's red-rim eyes when they arrive, she doesn't comment on it. Bisky looks the same as she did all those years ago, her face soft and youthful and her hair as vibrant as ever. Killua's taller now, Bisky coming to about his shoulder. Hah, how things have changed. It's also more apparent to Killua how much he has changed himself, his jawline more sharp and his eyes no longer their rounded child appearance.
After settling Alluka in Bisky's guest room with their stuff, Killua follows Bisky out the front door and into the cold air. Killua tugs his scarf tighter, his nose already a rosey color in the biting air.
"So, are you going to tell me why we're here?"
As much as Killua hates to admit it, the nerves had been driving him insane. Bisky had still yet to mention what had happened to Gon, and was now leading him who knows where with an aggravated Killua in tow.
"We're going to be there soon."
Bisky then whirls around, her blonde hair bobbing behind her as a crease forms between her eyebrows. Her eyes are hard and Killua swallows in apprehension.
"When we get there, you need to promise me you won't freak out. You can only see him if you can promise me that."
Raising an eyebrow at this, Killua nods hesitantly. Bisky seems to scan his face for a moment before nodding in approval. Turning around, she continues to walk as Killua scrambles to keep up.
"I've been visiting Gon about once a week for about two years. At first he seemed fine, sad that you were gone, but fine."
Killua averts his gaze, guilt clogging his throat.
"It was about a year ago that I brought up to him how he no longer messaged you whenever you told me. He seemed surprised I knew until I explained that you and I have been in contact ever since you two split."
When she pauses, Killua glances over and sees the way her eyebrows are pinched together, her lips pulled into a tight frown.
"After that things got rough. He had picked up baking within those five years, and would often bake too much and give it to the kids that didn't have anything on the street. Not surprising given his nature. But after I asked about him ghosting you, I started notice things that I had brushed aside at first. He always came home empty handed no matter how much he took with him, and he never made more when he got back."
Killua doesn't want to hear the next few sentences.
"He was starving himself, Killua. His body began to give out but he still forced his ren everyday, claiming he needed to be stronger; for you."
Any air that the cold weather hadn't stole already left quickly, leaving Killua still on the sidewalk with wide eyes. Funny how when something happens, suddenly everything fades away. All of the sudden the only thing you're aware of is how many breaths you take, the painful stretching and releasing of your lungs as you struggle to remember what it's like to live, to breath.
"-ua, -illua, Killua!"
Jolting, the world refocuses, the color bleeding back into the picture. It takes a moment for Killua to see the look that Bisky is giving him, the concern hidden by a layer of sterness Killua has rarely ever seen.
"I'm ok."
And he is, he will be. As soon as he finds Gon and sees the damage.
At the sight of Killua's face and the eyes glazing over, unable to focus, Bisky snorts.
"Yeah, like I'm going to believe that for a second." Killua winces, and Bisky's face turns more sympathetic. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, I thought it would get better."
"Then what made you call?"
Bisky's frown deepens and she looks away, refusing to answer. Killua's eyes narrow.
"Bisky."
"His wrists."
Suddenly Killua wishes he hadn't ask. Taking it in stride, Killua gnaws at his lower lip as pressure begins to build behind his eyelids again. It's silent for a long time before Bisky speaks again.
"This is your chance Killua. Please help Gon."
Killua nods, a few tears slipping past his eyes before the wind carries them away. Bisky puts a hand on Killua's back before pulling him in for a hug.
"It's not your fault Killua. That knucklehead cut off contact, you couldn't have done anything more than you did."
Taking a shuddering breath, Killua pulls himself together and nods. When he pulls back, Bisky regards him with a frown before jerking her head towards an apartment building across the street.
"That's where he is. Apartment 99."
God, how many times was Killua's breath going to be taken today? At least this one took it similar to a summer breeze, leaving a tingly and warm feeling within Killua. Gon chose an apartment with Killua's hunter exam number. He could've chosen any apartment number but he picked that one. Man, Killua forgot how head over heels he was for this guy. Wait, what?
"Oh."
Well... that was a great response. Bisky seems to giggle at Killua's struck expression before sobering up.
"Go ahead, I'll be here getting coffee when you're done. If you aren't down in two hours I'm going home and you can either meet me there later or stay longer."
Killua nods, already walking across the street. He hears the way Bisky sighs behind him, causing Killua to set his gaze.
I'm coming Gon, I'm almost there.
Once he makes it to the building, he pushes open the lobby doors and walks inside cautiously, his body pulled tight as if he was standing in a pit of vipers. Every shadow seemed to bend towards him, threatening to drag Killua in. Shrugging them off, Killua whispers under his breath,
"You can't have me back and you can't have Gon either."
When the pale boy looks around inside, he notices the plaques in the back with room numbers on them. Rooms 0-50 to the left, 0-100 to the right. Huh, kind of like a hotel.
Turning sharply, Killua walks down the hallway, his footsteps starting quick. Killua soon realized that his footsteps were slowing, his hands shaking and his footsteps remaining silent.
Could he do this? He was so fueled by the desire to save Gon that his brain managed to skip the fact that Killua hasn't seen GOn face to face in five years. They haven't even talked in five. When Killua's nose catch the faint smell of alcohol, he makes up his mind.
Restarting his footsteps, Killua breathes out slowly and stops in front of room 99. Raising a trembling hand, Killua hesitates. Inside of the room, something stumbles and a hiccup is heard. There's not much resistance from Killua after that.
One.
Two.
Three.
The knocks are fast, Killua's breath speeding up with each rasp of his knuckles. It feels like a lifetime before the door swings open. Killua's mouth opens but nothing comes out as he takes in Gon's appearance. If he didn't have bags under his eyes and his skin wasn't a sickly pale Killua would be drooling. The dark green turtleneck accompanied by a pair of fitted black jeans that hugged ever curve of Gon just right.
"Hi."
It's a breath from Killua, who notes is still taller than Gon. In the doorway Gon is fairing no better. HIs mouth is open like he wants to reply, but there's an odd crinkle to his brow that signifies a stress mark. Before Killua can say anything more, Gon does something Killua wasn't expecting.
Gon Freecss, Killua's first and only best friend, walks back a few feet and slams the apartment door in Killua's face.
That went well.
Killua walks up to the door, banging on it more confidently than last time.
"OI! LET ME IN IDIOT!"
"NUH UH! GO AWAY KILLUA!"
"WHY WOULD I DO THAT STUPID? I JUST GOT HERE!"
"YOU SHOULD'VE NEVER COME!"
"I SHOULD'VE NEVER LEFT!"
Killua's panting by now, his face red in anger. On the other side where Killua can't see, Gon isn't fairing much better. Although underneath his anger is panic and the need to escape.
"DON'T MAKE ME BUST THIS DOOR DOWN!"
When he receives no reply, Killua grunts and gathers lightning easily, throwing it at the door and shattering it into little pieces. When Killua finds the apartment seemingly empty, he fumes.
"GON FREECSS WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?"
When he receives no reply, Killua stretches out his en, searching the apartment. He barely has time to dodge the incoming punch from behind. Throwing his weight to the left, the punch grazes his chin. Spinning, Killua throws a punch of his own while making sure not to damage anything in the apartment.
Gon dodges, and Killua charges up his nen, electrifying the air in the room. At the awe on Gon's face that appears for just a moment, Killua tries to attack while Gon is distracted. Gon does the same. The end result has them both on the ground beside each other, giggling and unable to stop.
"Holy shit dude, that was great."
Gon hums in agreement, sitting up. It's awkward for a moment before the silence is shattered by a beeping noise in the kitchen. All of the sudden, Gon's eyes light up.
"Oh! The muffins are done!"
Gon scampers off, going to check the stuff in the oven. Killua follows, curious on what the muffins look like. A beer bottle sits in the living room half empty and Killua tears his gaze away. In the kitchen, Killua watches as Gon pulls out two trays of 12 muffins, each one plump and golden.
Killua makes a noise of awe in his throat, his eyes widening.
"Woah, those look so good Gon!"
Gon's ears tint, something that Killua notes. Since when could Killua embarrass Gon? Oh he's definitely getting payback for the two years Gon had over Killua's mortification.
Silently, Gon sticks his tongue out in concentration and removes the muffins from the tray carefully. He lines them up in a container before putting a lid over them. He doesn't look at Killua. Any progress that was made moments ago has already been lost, the memory nothing more than an old TV show that can only be rewound so many times before the CD breaks.
"I need to take these somewhere."
Killua nods, his eyes following Gon as he walks to his door. When Gon's hand reaches the handle, he pauses.
"I left a muffin on the stove. Try it, let me know if it's any good."
With that said, Gon was out the door as the hallway light flickered gently against his thin form. Killua sighed, taking out his phone.
Killua - Hey, might be longer than expected.
Alluka - That's fine! Bisky and I are painting each other's nails.
Alluka - How's Gon?
Killua - Paint Bisky's orange so they clash with her dress, and I'm not sure on Gon. He just left with some muffins, I'll see if he eats.
Alluka - Good luck Onii-chan!
Killua sighs, turning his phone off. Scanning the room and feeling satisfied, Killua turns on his en to keep an eye on Gon before shifting his gaze to the stove. When Killua sees the muffin, he stands and crosses the room to the stovetop. Picking up the muffin gently, he brings it to his lips softly, taking a bite.
When the flavor registers, Killua notices the way it rolls smoothly on his tongue, the slightest hint of cinnamon present. Oh hell yeah, Killua could eat more of these.
FInishing the muffin, Killua wanders the apartment. He finds Gon's room easily and lets himself in. There isn't anything on the walls, and the only furniture is a bed, a dresser, and a nightstand. Everything is bare except the dresser, where two picture frames are seen. One is obviously Aunt Mito and Gon on Whale Island, just the thought makes Killua smile. The other is a picture of Killua. Gon isn't in the shot but somehow he got a picture of Killua mid laugh, the sun behind him making him seem angelic.
Ears burning, a smile forms on Killua's face. So Gon didn't forget about him.
Killua turns, about to leave the room when he catches sight of a box under the bed. Curious, he creeps closer and pulls the box out slowly. On the top, the box says 'Killua' in blue lettering. Opening it slowly, Killua is hit with memories. Inside the box is countless pictures, moments of time frozen forever and preserved on waxy paper. The letter Killua sent over the years are folded neatly, a rare chocolate robot stuffed in the bottom.
A wet laugh escapes Killua as he flips through the old pictures. At the bottom of the stack is a white slip of paper. Picking it up, Killua nearly drops it in shock. It's Gon's hospital band, the one from five years ago.
Killua doesn't realize his mistake until there's a figure in the doorway. He forgot about his en, and now an angry looking Gon was standing in the doorway.
"What are you doing?" He seethes, his teeth tight and his fists clenching at his sides.
"G-Gon! I was just curious about what you've been doing..."
Practically stomping, Gon crosses the room, ripping the box out of Killua's hands. He seems to go pale once he realizes that Killua is holding the medical bracelet. Silent, Killua deposits the band into the box. Gon puts the lid on before whirling on Killua.
"Why."
Killua beats Gon to the chase, leaving Gon angry and sputtering but unable to speak.
"Why did you stop messaging a year ago."
The island boy diverts his gaze, walking towards the door.
"I'm not talking about this with you."
"Yes you are Gon!"
Gon turns towards Killua, angry tears welling in both of their eyes.
"No I'm NOT!"
"Yes you are! Look at you, you're so fucking thin I can see your ribs!"
This stops both of them short, Killua wasn't expecting to bring it up so soon and Gon wasn't expecting Killua to notice. Gon immediately backs up, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
"It doesn't matter."
Killua scoffs and rolls his eyes.
"Pretty sure it does."
"Not if it means I'm making up for what I did to you!"
Gon breathes out through his nose angrily and clenches his fists to try and hide the shaking.
"Being apart is better for both of us. Look what I did Killua! I ruined everything! It took me four goddamn years to see it! I was hurting you just as much as I was hurting myself!"
Killua's mouth drops open is disbelief.
"You weren't hurting anyone!"
"I WASN'T? God Killua, I'm a wreck! I couldn't do what was good for you without damaging myself!" Gon shoves Killua away, thrusting his arms forward. "I couldn't just starve myself, I had to do this too!"
The faded red lines speak what a million words couldn't, standing bright and wrong against Gon's skin. The reminder of NGL hurts, but Killua plows on.
"Idiot! That's what you said against Kite!"
"YEAH AND I MEANT IT!"
"WELL I MEAN IT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW WHEN I TELL YOU THAT YOUR MY BEST FRIEND!"
Killua has pushed Gon back against a wall, towering over him with a fierce tint to his blue eyes.
"You're my best friend. And if you think that this-" He picks up Gon's arms and thrusts them into his view. "-is going to make me happier then I don't know how we are friends in the first place."
Gon diverts his gaze, tears welling up in his eyes. Killua drops Gon's arms and wraps himself around the tan boy. Immediately Gon stiffens.
"Y-you need to leave. If you stay I'll only grab onto you and hurt you more."
"Stupid, you'll have to catch me first."
And with that, Gon lets out a sob and collapses into Killua.
It's a long time before Gon's crying subsides. It's an even longer time before either one of them dares to let go. They're squeezing each other so hard that they can't tell where one person stops and the next begins. When they finally drift apart, Gon groans.
"I need a beer."
Scoffing, Killua helps him up.
"No you need a water."
Gon whines in protest but Killua just shakes his head, guiding Gon to a seat at the counter. Once sitting, Killua used his en to quickly locate the cups, pouring himself and Gon a glass of water. Setting one of them in front of Gon, Killua then turns to the cupboard and grabs some bread and peanut butter.
"What're you doing?" Gon mumbles into his glass.
Killua glances at him slightly.
"Making us sandwiches."
The frown on Gon's face looks ready to refuse and Killua rolls his eyes.
"When was the last time you actually ate something?"
Gon doesn't answer before Killua finishes, sliding his handiwork to Gon. He watches as Gon hesitantly picks up the sandwich.
"Thank you."
It's whispered before tan hands are taking the sandwich delicately as if it would break. When he begins to eat it, Killua nearly sighs in relief. Taking a bite of his own sandwich, Killua hums at the substance. It's silent until Gon eats half the sandwich.
The noise of the plate scraping the counter and away from Gon has Killua glancing up.
"Eat two more bites."
Gon frowns. "I'm not hungry."
"Just two more, save the rest for tomorrow."
After some persuasion, he takes two more bites as requested. Killua finishes his sandwich and delicately wraps up Gon's leftovers, placing them in the fridge. Gon twitches his thumbs nervously when Killua turns around.
"Do you want to stay tonight?"
Killua scoffs, smiling at him.
"Are you kidding? I'm never leaving again."
The smile that lights up Gon's face makes Killua glad he didn't turn down Bisky's call.