A/N: Hey hey everybody, it's me again, Cardinal Kiril. Sorry it took a while to write this thing, next update shouldn't take as long.

Thank you all for following/reviewing my shit, I know this sort of stuff isn't for everyone and can turn a lot of people off. Just gonna respond a few reviews and we'll get right to it!

Saturation: Dude, are you me? I fucking LOVE Brockhampton, hell I was listening to that exact song while I was writing that thing. Seriously, get an account and PM me sometime, we can talk about it then. I'm gonna take your review as a compliment, even though it was more of a criticism, haha. I don't think the story is completely worthless though, maybe future chapters will change your mind.

Dudeaga: Thank you so much! That's the most glowing response I've gotten, I'm glad you like the story so much! Hope this chapter doesn't disappoint, haha.

KatoriAeku: My first positive review! Thanks a lot man, appreciate it.

All he could see were chains.

Not this shit again.

Even though the place initially royally creeped him the fuck out, Akira had gotten pretty much completely used to the Velvet Room. He hated waking up on that gross prison cell mattress, and the overbearingly oppressive stone walls made him feel very uncomfortable, but after a few moments of waking up and absorbing his surroundings, the place became almost mundane, an ordinary part of Akira's totally bizarre life. He never appreciated being taken there during his sleep, without any sort of warning from Igor, but Akira assumed that asking them to be a little more polite was probably out of the question.

Groggily, Akira stepped out of the bed, clutching his head and rubbing his eyes. He approached the barred door and saw the ever-smiling Igor behind his desk, the Twin Wardens flanking him on each side.

"Look who's finally awake! Pay attention, Inmate! Our master wants to speak with you!"

"Be thankful that Master is spending so much time and effort to rehabilitate you, Inmate. This is a rare opportunity."

Akira was used to the Wardens as well, but he had a hard time telling which was Caroline and which was Justine, mainly because he never gave enough of a shit to even try to remember.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Akira said. He focused his attention to the smiling hunchback. "What do you want, dude?"

Igor chuckled. Does anything faze this guy? Akira thought to himself.

"Your rehabilitation is going smoothly, Trickster," Igor said. "It may even be complete sooner than you think."

"Mmhmmm…" Akira kept rubbing his eyes. He really wished that Igor had something of more substance to say, all the cryptic BS that he kept throwing at him about his rehab did nothing to help him understand this place or the Metaverse in general. If he was going to drag him back into the Velvet Room during sleep, he could have at least had some worthwhile news to give him.

Why did Igor bring him here, anyway? Did something happen lately that he didn't notice? Akira scratched his head, trying to remember.

What happened yesterday? I woke up, fapped, went to school, fapped, went home, fapped, went to Mementos…

The events of last night's excursion in Mementos hit him like a ton of bricks. Everything suddenly came rushing back: the douchebag, the dick-curse, him and his friends floating in the air. Akira's mind was totally awake now. He gripped the metal bars before him and spoke to Igor, panic in his voice.

"Uh, yeah, good to know, that's great. Hey, uh, look, could you tell me who that guy was? I have no idea what that thing was supposed to be and I was pretty sure I was gonna die back there. Was that like, some special part of Mementos or something?"

Even though he kept smiling, Akira could tell that Igor was missing something. He cocked his head to the side and chuckled lightly.

"What are you talking about, Trickster? I simply brought you here to update you on your progress."

"You know, the guy! That white dude who came out of nowhere! C'mon, you have to know who I'm talking about."

Igor only cocked at eyebrow at this, his gaze unchanging.

One of the twins spoke up. "Stop bothering our master with your nonsense, Inmate! He has better things to do than listen to your meaningless babble!"

Akira couldn't believe it. His heart began to pound, and he started to panic. No, he thought. No, this isn't right! How could Igor not know about that… that thing? It couldn't have been a dream, it was real!

"Holy shit," Akira muttered. "Holy fucking shit. This isn't happening. This isn't fucking happening!"

"Watch your language, Inmate!"

Akira ignored her. He felt as though his entire world was crashing down. Everything was blurry, his head began to shake. He realized that he was crying and wiped the tears from his eyes. His breathing was rapid, uncontrolled, desperate. "No! No, no, no! Oh God, please God, no!"

"Inmate!" The two girls ran towards the cell and smacked the bars with their batons. "Behave yourself, or we will- "

"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" The two girls jumped back in shock and fear. Akira's face was contorted, manic, almost animal-like. His eyes were bloodshot and red, and foam dribbled from the side of his mouth. "You have no idea what's going on! Do you know what just happened? Do you have even the slightest IDEA of the pain that I will be forced to endure? Do you!?"

"W-what are you talking about?!"

Akira gripped the bars and banged his head against them. He screamed at the top of his lungs. "I CAN'T BEAT MY MEAT FOR A FUCKING MONTH YOU LITTLE ASSHOLES!"

"I-Inmate! You had better stop this foolishness right now, or else-"

"Or else what? You'll kill me? Go ahead! I would rather die than endure this suffering, this eternal punishment!"

Akira was not a particularly religious person, but when times became desperate, he never turned his nose on anything that could possibly help. He fell on his knees, clasped his hands together, and looked up to ceiling. "Oh, God, please, oh Heavenly Father, PLEASE tell me this is all some sick prank! And if it isn't, for the love of all that is holy strike me down now and end my suffering!"

The twins were paralyzed with fear, completely unnerved by the beast that their inmate became. Igor, however, began to sweat a little.

"Trickster." There was something in his voice that Akira could not quite make out. Trepidation? Akira looked at Igor's face, and noticed that, for the first time ever, his immaculate smile began to waver. "This 'white guy' you were talking about. What exactly did he look like?"

Akira got up off the ground. Was Igor… scared? "Uhh, he had dark hair, a gold watch. He dressed like some douchebag fratboy from Todai. He was always smiling and had his hands together like some kind of freak. Oh! And he had the brightest fucking socktans I had ever- "

Igor stood up from his chair so quickly, it fell down behind him. His smile was long gone, and his eyes were like dinner plates. Beads of sweat kept materializing on his sizeable forehead, dripping down his face. There was something so strange, so alien to Akira about Igor's reaction. The normally elusive, calm, and ever-in-control Igor suddenly became his complete opposite before Akira's very eyes. Igor became… Igor became vulnerable.

"Caroline. Justine. Leave us." Igor gulped loudly. "Now."

"B-but master! We can't leave you here alone with this inma-"

Then, something happened. Igor's eyes became piercing, red lights, almost the exact same kind Akira saw on the guy from Mementos. A screeching, deafening, high-pitched, white noise buzzed in the air, and the entire Velvet Room shook. Igor swiftly turned to face the Twin Wardens, raised his hand, and deftly chopped it down in the air until it pointed right at the two girls.

"BEGONE, THOTS!"

And without any further notice, the two girls disappeared.

Akira was grateful that he had already pissed himself earlier.

Everything came back to normal as Igor composed himself. Akira said nothing, leaving the room completely silent, save for Igor's heavy breathing. After a while, the hunchback rubbed his face, sighed, and walked over to Akira's cell.

Damn, Akira thought as Igor approached the metal bars. I've never been this close to Igor before. He's got a big fucking nose.

Akira's heart skipped a beat as Igor took out a key from his pocket and started to unlock the cell. Was this really happening? Akira wasn't sure if this was some kind of test, because he was sure his rehabilitation wasn't over yet, whatever that meant.

However, Igor clearly did not intend to let Akira out. Instead of opening the door all the way, he simply creaked it open and let himself inside, locking it behind him. Akira suddenly remembered his father's advice from long ago, that if he ever found himself in jail, to make sure he never bent down to pick up a bar of soap in front of his cellmate. Akira subtly grabbed his asscheeks and clinched them together. That honker ain't going anywhere near my ass, creep.

Igor did not seem to notice Akira's cautionary steps, and if he did, he certainly didn't care. He collapsed on Akira's dirty cot, stretched his legs out, and sighed deeply, as though he were trying to find the best way to deliver bad news. He reached into his pocket and took out what looked to be a homemade joint. He pointed it to Akira.

"Wanna hit?"

What the fuck? Akira thought. Is he seriously offering me a joint?

"Uhh… I'm good."

Igor pursed his lips and quickly raised his eyebrows, giving Akira a classic 'suit yourself, loser' expression. He took out a lighter from his coat pocket, flicked it a few times until a flame materialized, and brought it to the tip of the joint, inhaling deeply. Akira watched him with fascination, mesmerized at the sight of the uncanny and mysterious Igor reclining on some crappy bed and doing something so mundane, so human as enjoying a good hit, listening to him mumble in agitation when the paper did not light immediately, flicking the lighter off with a stylish swing of his wrist once he got a good blaze, breathing in until the tip was red-hot, slowly craning his head back, and finally releasing a huge cloud of smoke out of his mouth.

"Fuuuuuuuuccckkkkk…" he moaned. "I needed that." The hunchback sat up and looked Akira in the eyes. "Take a seat, Trickster."

Akira looked around the cell. Noticing that there weren't any chairs, he sat on the ground and leaned his back against the wall. Did that hunchbacked fuck just cuck me out of my own bed?

Igor rubbed his eyes and face with his hand. "I don't really know how I'm supposed to start this, so I'm just going to straight-up say it. Kid, you're fucked."

Akira felt his heart drop. "W-woah! H-hang on there man, you can't just throw that at me like that. First of all, who the hell was that guy?"

Igor took another hit and started rubbing his nose. Not just with his fingers, but his entire hand. Akira watched as he took the entire shaft in his hand, and rubbed it up, and down, up and down. Akira suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

"Well, that's a little complicated. Okay, look. Mementos. It's the palace for society. The entire world's cognition is trapped there, and the way people think and what they believe are reflected there, just like a palace. This should all be review for you, yes?" Akira nodded. "Okay, so here's the thing. You can think of me as sort of… as sort of a curator for the Metaverse. Anything that happens within the Metaverse, I more or less can see and already know about. But sometimes, cognitions change. Something might happen in the real world that affects the Metaverse in sudden, profound ways that nobody can predict or see coming, even me. Something catastrophic like 9/11 or the Sarin Attack, or something extremely influential like a religion spreading or a movie getting watched everywhere could flip everything on its head, and turn Mementos into a completely unrecognizable place. Do you understand?"

"Uh, yeah. But what does that have to do with that guy? I've never seen him before. Is he like, what, some religious leader I never heard about?"

Igor gripped his nose really hard, all the blood making the tip swell up and turn red. A single bead of sweat trailed off of Akira's brow as he looked down at his own crotch. You're killing me here, Igor.

"I suppose you could say that. The most accurate description of him would be… a modern day god. A god for the Internet Age, a deity born from the collective consciousness of humankind. Jesus, I need another hit."

"What? That doesn't make any sense, man." Akira spoke as Igor dragged on the joint. "Hold on, if you know so much about him, how come you didn't know who I was talking about earlier? Why couldn't you see him? I thought you saw everything that happens in my life."

"I like to keep myself updated with human affairs. Most of my time is spent keeping careful watch over the internet and popular culture, keeping track over everything, waiting to see if something big will happen that will make the Metaverse change. I always try to keep myself prepared, but not even I can see those changes right as they happen. Truth be told, I was expecting him to materialize. But I had no idea it would be this soon. I would have warned you if I knew."

"I see." Something about this unnerved Akira. The idea that something could slip by even Igor's watch was a frightening concept. "What's his name?"

"I am NOT saying his name here! That is some bad juju. No, you're just going to have to find out for yourself. It shouldn't be too hard, you have all of the clues."

Akira sighed. He knew that this wasn't going to be easy. But wait, he thought, what clues is Igor talking about? Akira remembered what the guy said to him and his friends.

"No Nut November." The words tasted like acid in his mouth. Akira had never heard such a vile combination of words before, everything about it made him want to vomit. "He told me… he told me that me and my friends are going to be forced to do No Nut November."

"Yes, I gathered that from your little outburst earlier." Igor looked Akira dead in the eyes, and gave him a sincere, sympathetic look. "Akira. I am so, so sorry. But you had better kiss your cock goodbye. You are never going to see it ever again."

Akira stood up. His worst fears had been confirmed. "NO! Igor, dude, there's got to be something you can do! You're the master here, not that little prick!" He grabbed Igor by the shoulders. "Please, I'm begging you, you have to do something about this."

Igor sighed and looked at the ground sadly. "I am sorry, Trickster. There is nothing I can do. He is simply too powerful of a force for the Velvet Room to do anything."

Without missing a single beat, Akira got on his knees and returned to praying, this time with more devotion than before. He clasped his hands together, put his forehead against them, and squeezed his eyes shut. "Soul of Christ, make me holy, body of Christ, be my salvation, blood of Christ, let me drink your wine."

Igor rubbed his face again. "What are you doing now?"

"You won't help me, but that doesn't mean that God won't." Akira returned to his sincere prayer. "I believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and the earth…"

The sight almost brought a tear to Igor's eyes. Akira was completely helpless before him, and nothing could fix his situation. He reached over and grabbed Akira's shoulder, making him stop his hurried prayers. He rubbed it in comfort. "I don't know what God is planning. But I'm pretty sure he hates you, kid."

Akira sighed. "An entire month… A whole month without masturbating."

"Yeah."

Akira looked up. "Wait, hold on. Why are telling me to kiss my cock goodbye? Is it so unfathomable for you that I could go an entire month without jerking off?"

Igor was incredulous. "It is absolutely unfathomable to me, Trickster. Have you forgotten that I have watched over you and your friends carefully over the course of your rehabilitation? Caroline and Justine have started to take bets on how many times you'd masturbate in a single week, and every time their predictions were far too low. You not masturbating is as foreign a concept to me as dry water. And that Ryuji fellow you hang out with…" Igor shuddered. "There is no way he's human. He has to be, like, some kind of ancient masturbation deity from the Metaverse that accidentally found its way to Japan. There's no other explanation for how many times he jerks off."

"You… You've watched me masturbate." It wasn't a question. Akira was just making a simple statement. "You've watched me, and Ryuji, and Yusuke, and Morgana, masturbate."

"And Ann, and Haru, and Makoto, and Futaba. It is my job to look over the Trickster and his friends. No need to apologize." Akira blinked. Apologizing to the creepy, hunchbacked stoner had never crossed his mind. "I am quite used to it."

Akira's eyes glazed over as he processed this new information. He did a quick run-through of everything wrong with his life, just in case he was missing something that was fucking him in the ass.

Number one: There's some kind of god with boat shoes and sock tans running around Mementos, and he is by far the most powerful enemy we have ever fought.

Number two: My friends and I are masturbation addicts, and it is getting so bad that we might jerk ourselves to our graves.

Number three: I have to not masturbate for an entire month, and if I do, I lose my dick.

Number four: All of my masturbation sessions in Tokyo (and those bazillion times in Hawaii, now that I think about it) were all watched by Igor and those two preteen fucks whose names I still can't remember.

Number five: I now have confirmation that Makoto masturbates too.

Wait, what?

"Wait, what?" Akira asked. "You're telling me that Makoto masturbates?"

Igor tensed up. "Oh jeez, I forgot you had that crush on her. Just forget I said anything."

"Hey! You can't just say that Makoto masturbates and just leave me hanging like that! Dude, c'mon, does she ever think about me?"

"I think it's time you went to bed."

"Igor, I-"

Before Akira could finish his sentence, Igor grabbed him by the shirt and flung him on the bed, displaying a surprising amount of strength. As he pinned him down, successfully resisting Akira's frantic struggles, he reached down into his sock and pulled out a small blackjack.

"Remember, Trickster," Igor said to the wide-eyed Akira, who stared at the blackjack before him. "The Velvet Room is yours. If you need any help or support, I will be here for you. Good luck not busting a nut for a month. You'll need it."

"PLEASE DON'T HIT ME WITH THAT THI-"

Igor hit Akira over the head with the blackjack, and everything went black.

Akira jolted up, his face covered in sweat.

"Guys, he's awake!"

It didn't take long for Akira to realize where he was. The cold lights, stiff bed, incessant white noise. Oh yeah, he thought. Sexy doctor lady. He grinned to himself. I definitely know what I'm gonna think about toni-

Fuck.

All of his fellow Phantom Thieves crowded around him.

"Akira! Are you okay?"

The poor boy looked at his crotch. His eye twitched.

"Peachy."

A/N: Whelp, there's chapter 2. I know it isn't as long as the first one, but I think making these things a little shorter could make them easier to digest (and write, lol). I'll probably get the next chapter out sooner than this one, this was just a little something to help satiate your appetites.

Thanks again to all my readers and follows! Did you like this chapter? Did you hate it? Were you ambivalent? Write a review! Let me know what you guys think, ANY feedback is extremely welcome and very helpful!

-Kiril